"The human heart has hidden treasures,
In secret kept, in silence sealed;
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed."
-Charlotte Bronte
When they reached the Kent farm, that was when reality seemed to come crashing back down again. That was when Clark seemed to come out of his reverie, and blinking looked around them, shocked out how quickly they seemed to have got here.
It was suddenly far, far too quiet without the rush of the road going by, and the hum of the engine. The timing didn't help. Clark felt so beat that this should have been the end of the day. It should be late at night, so that he could smile nervously, wish Lex 'sweet dreams' and tentatively lean in for a good night kiss. Then he could go in and crash into bed, allowing his thoughts to whirl around for a while without being disturbed, before sleep overcame him.
But no, it was Saturday morning. His parents would probably want to sit and talk to him about the party over breakfast, and then he'd have the rest of the day ahead of him. Life does that… the day-to-day reality of living doesn't cater for our TV-induced view of the world. The dramatic scenes don't fade to black accompanied by appropriately reflective music in the background, only for time to go by in a heartbeat, and the next scene to play out. No, this was one of the in-between times. The bits you have to put up with and struggle through, like your last class of a Friday afternoon. There was no rule-book to help you with times like this.
So Clark wasn't particularly looking forward to getting out of that car, and going back to his life as if nothing had changed. He couldn't even bring himself to open the door. He couldn't say goodbye.
Glancing at Lex he knew he felt like he did. Sitting here together, as yet unseen by his parents, it still felt like they were in that same private bubble they'd been in since Lex had found him. They hadn't seen a single other human being yet, and they could almost believe they were the only people in the world. If Clark left now, that world would shatter, and neither one could hide their fear that the other might not let the moment be recreated. They could have second thoughts, they could realise that this wasn't what they wanted – that it wasn't worth the risk of bringing their lives crashing down around them…
It was Lex, who broke the moment. His gaze dropped from looking straight ahead, down to his hands resting on the wheel, his nervousness betrayed by his flickering focus.
"Clark, this…this isn't going to disappear now, is it?" He asked, his voice heavy with tension and the awkwardness that was now creeping in.
When there was no immediate response he eventually turned to his passenger with fear in his eyes. Clark's own gaze was downcast now, and his face was set hard. He looked up with something of courage, and something of desperation in his eyes.
"Not if we don't let it." He said determinedly.
They shared a look for a beat, before Lex's look softened further, and he relaxed his grip on the wheel.
"Thanks Clark." It was a simple response, but his voice was thick with relief, and gratitude.
And it was all they could really handle right now.
The mood seemed to shift then, with their silent understanding, and Clark gave a nervous smile as he looked up at the house through the window.
"This is weird."
Lex gave a 'no kidding' kind of look.
"Well, I can't say that I envy you having to go in there."
Clark turned back to him with a playful smile.
"Oh, way to be supportive Lex!"
They laughed lightly at the surreal-ness of it all, and the friendship between hem seemed to rush in and take away all the looming unknown of the future.
Lex gave a mild shrug.
"Sorry, but you know what I mean." He suddenly found himself placing his hand over Clark's as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as he spoke with unveiled concern and tenderness.
"Seriously though, are you going to be okay with this?"
Clark sighed, as he squeezed Lex's hand back in gratitude.
"You mean with lying to my parents and trying to act normal?" The 'or' was unspoken but clear in his eyes. Or do you mean this, us, whatever this crazy thing is that's happened between us, this thing we couldn't leave buried…?
Lex smiled.
"With everything."
Clark smiled back and nodded.
"I can't say I'm not scared, but…this is good. This feels good." He smiled wider at his own inadequacy expressing how he felt. He gave a small embarrassed shrug. "It feels right y'know?"
Lex looked surprised at how steadily he found himself answering.
"Yeah. I do."
Their gazes both came down to their joined hands. That background hum of excitement, of expectation appeared, and their eyes came up to meet, inadvertently flickering down to waiting lips…
But they knew they couldn't. Not here…the chance of Clark's parents spotting them was too high, and they were still both at that point where they had to be absolutely sure, and totally comfortable…that needed a privacy they didn't have here.
" You'll come to dinner tonight right?" Lex asked hurriedly, trying not to let his longing, his panic, enter his voice. But Clark's gaze was fixed on his lips even as he spoke, and there was not a second before his response.
"When?"
"Seven?"
"I'll be there."
And with that Clark tore his eyes away and was out of the car without another look back. They both knew why, they'd both felt that same uncontrollable recklessness building within them, and knew it wasn't safe.
It scared Clark. This was all so new, he was so happy and yet so terrified, and this -what he'd felt back there – it had opened up a whole other world of worry. This was all happening too fast to comprehend.
~ ~ ~ ~
After hearing Lex's car pull back out onto the road, Clark finally opened the back door. It should have been such a familiar action, something he'd done his whole life; and that only made him feel all the more anxious. For now, everything seemed different…he had something more than this now. He'd tasted excitement, he felt so wired- despite his physical exhaustion- with all his racing thoughts of what the future was to bring; yet he couldn't allow any of it to show. He couldn't laugh, he couldn't cry, he couldn't scream at the immensity of what had happened that night, of that step he'd taken which even now, he could recognise the life-long significance of. That's the thing about the big moments…you felt the importance of them as you lived them. Oh, he could trace all this back to those early wonderings, the meetings at the Beanery, the diary….you can always sit and logically pinpoint the origins of some change in your life, and say that that was the turning point…that was what had led you to where you were. But it was moments like this, when you were reeling at how hard real life had hit you, that you knew would change you forever. That can scare you, shake you up, make you feel out of control, and force you to reassess everything.
And if you've never had one of those moments then you can't even begin to imagine the hell of having to hide it while you make small talk with your parents.
You hear the excuses, the light vague comments coming out of your mouth, you recognise that you're nodding and smiling in all the right places. But you don't see anything. Its honest to god all a blur, while all the time you feel like everything within you is both tightening up and crumbling away at the same time.
Clark was forced to sit and eat the pancakes his mom had started making for him the minute he'd walked in the door. He couldn't taste anything without thinking it dull and bland compared to Lex's kisses. He couldn't so much as lower the heavy lids of his eyes for a second without re-playing how Lex had grabbed him and whirled him around last night, and how he in turn had pushed him hard back into the wall in his uncontrolled desire.
Then he'd have to force his eyes wide open again, and he'd sit in absolute incredulity at his parents ignorance of what was going on in his mind.
Terror had given way to amazement, and amazement gave way to a terrible guilty pleasure. They couldn't tell there was anything different. His mom was there light-heartedly arguing with his dad about the grocery list, while their son just sat before them, thinking about how in love he was with Lex Luthor. Just sitting there, smiling in all the right places in the conversation while his mind was filled with memories of another man's kisses, touches, voice, eyes, breath…
It was all there in his head, he could open his mouth at any second and confess it all…but they remained oblivious, unaware, and unsuspecting.
This truly was just between him and Lex. It was their secret. He'd thought the idea of the Friday meetings being something just between them was exhilarating. He'd had no idea…
TBC