Author's note: hey guys…I'm back. The saga continues. Apologies for the short chapter. But thought you'd appreciate it sooner rather than later. If its been a while since you last read, might want to re-read chap 16:"confessions" and chap 20:"suffer in silence".
"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved."
-Victor Hugo
Lex had been sitting in his office for the past hour staring into nothingness. Sitting sideways to his desk, his arm resting on its surface, he had sat there , his mind wandering, until he'd gradually become aware that that distant rhythm he could hear was in fact the drumming of his own fingers on the wooden surface. Such a nervous little habit ; he was doing that more and more of late. He'd have to stop; betraying his preoccupation like that wasn't wise.
So, instead, he'd raised his arm in order to rest his chin on his knuckles, before dissolving into that pensive state again.
He would have been annoyed to realise that a few minutes later, a smile was allowed to cross his features.
Of course, it was the memory of Clark's face, open and honest, his voice clear and soft as ever as he'd told him that he didn't have to worry about anything anymore. Even amongst all the raging thoughts, fears and concerns about what was happening, and what the future might bring, there were two things so incredible about that moment…two things that kept bringing that look of disbelieving happiness to Lex's expression.
The first was the fact that Lex believed had believed him. The words of a child breathed in his ear, a mere prelude to a kiss. But he had believed him. He had felt so secure…
Oh, later on he might sigh, or give a faint smile at the poor boy's naivety; thinking that so much uncertainty in a relationship could so easily disappear…that from now on there would be nothing but perfect understanding between them….what a notion. But in that moment...and every time he remembered those words, Lex honestly believed Clark had the ability to take away all his worries and give him permission to stop being scared; to confirm that everything he was feeling was good, nothing to be ashamed of, and totally comprehensible to him.
Great men and women; politicians, world and religious leaders, people in power all over the world tried to inspire that confidence, to try and appear that genuine. Lex had seen so many try and fail, the world over. But Lex had never met anyone who had what Clark had.
It was such a goddamned genuineness. A purity, an innocence, and yet a kind of wisdom, and conviction. There was more than persuasion in his words…there was love. Clark Kent was all heart. As corny as he knew that sounded, when Lex really sat and thought about it – as he had many months earlier than this- he had realised that that was an incredibly rare thing in humanity.
That led on to the second striking quality of the moment, really : the way the boy had looked at him. It had been a look of love. At that instant, sitting by the river, the breeze in their clothes and the grasses around them, there had indeed been complete clarity between them for the first time, if only for a minute. And Lex had sat there, more vulnerable than he had ever let himself be before…and basked in the love and understanding and safety of this boy beside him.
This morning he'd found someone on this earth who loved him. Honest to god valued him as a person: the real him…not that damn façade he put on. He was a twenty-one-year old scared kid who felt like an orphan, who was playing at being a cold stylish bastard because that was the role assigned to him. It was the only way he knew how to survive when dealing with most people. Oh, his conscience slipped through occasionally, and he'd find his father mocking him, looking at him as though he were weak for standing up for the plight of the latest batch of workers LuthorCorp was laying off. But he'd never let his guard down so much, as around his one and only friend.
The friend he'd come to love.
The friend who'd just burst in to his study.
If he had time to reflect later he might have mused over how Clark gave yet another display of being so forceful, so intense and yet so uncertain and shy at the same time.
The frantic boy strode in, right up to the desk before Lex had barely time to stand, his face flushed and fists clenched…with panic in his eyes. And yet when he came to a stop, standing there, such an uncertainty seemed to come over him…and his eyes shifted around, as if intimidated by his surroundings…and his fingers curled up around the cuffs of his plaid shirt.
" What's wrong? " Lex heard the words coming out of his mouth, completely by-passing his brain, without any censorship of the tone of concern…
And Clark was still standing there, right back with the nervous guest routine. For a second it was like the whole year had not happened, and the Kents' young son had suddenly found himself bursting into a mansion, and striding into a millionaire's office without an invite. Sudden change was a strange thing: you often find yourself unsure of just what's happened, and who you r supposed to be.
"I…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just , I mean…you're busy."
Lex frowned now, as he came around the desk to face him.
"What the hell, Clark? You don't have to apologise for seeing me-" The thought of honestly telling him how work didn't seem to matter anymore, how this was what had revived the heart within him…it was too much, too soon, and now was not the time. Lex placed a supporting hand on his friend's arm as Clark sighed heavily.
"I'm sorry, its just -" he looked up at Lex with a small attempt at a grin, apologetic, and wanting to explain.But Lex finished his sentence for him:
" -this is new. I know". He was watching Clark's eyes, still darkened with exhausted shadows, with close concern. He paused before asking again.
"What's happened?"
"Chloe came by a little while ago."
He said it with such a weight, Lex felt his chest tighten up. He couldn't have told her. God, please say he hadn't underestimated him…that he hadn't confessed everything to one of his high school pals in his excitement…that he hadn't told the little journalist-in the-making, besotted as she was with Clark, and so suspicious of him…
"I didn't tell her." Clark said, as if reading his mind…or the fear in his eyes.
There wasn't even a trace of annoyance, or defensiveness in his voice. Damn, that boy was too pure-hearted to be true.
" Then what-?"
" –I said things…things I shouldn't have.."
He looked guilty now, and his eyes flicked sideways, before he looked back at Lex with such a disbelieving , vulnerable expression…
"I kinda yelled at her."
Lex had to stop himself from laughing aloud with relief. With such sweet, terrible, amusement at this boy's innocence. All of a panic because he thought he'd been mean to a friend.
It was incredible.
I t was laughable.
And it made Lex wonder if he'd ever been that young and uncorrupted.
Once maybe…there must have been a few years…a few years of happiness, when he'd felt cared for, if not loved...
He reached out and placed his other hand on Clark's shoulder, and sighed as he shook his head.
"Don't worry….whatever it was, I promise she'll forgive you for it."
"Lex, this was serious…"
Lex's smile faded as he saw the truth of it in his face.
Pausing for a second, he squeezed Clark's shoulders in a quick gesture of support before nodding lightly.
"Tell me everything."
As Clark sighed with relief, and nodded back gratefully, a small part of him remained wistful and saddened by Lex's choice in words. Tell him everything. The whole truth and nothing but. All his worries, and everything he was afraid of. If only he could.
He pushed those pangs of self-pity aside as Lex led him to the couch, and instead, he began to relate the entire argument he'd just had with one of his best friends
~ ~ ~
TBCreview..review..review..
[then go read my Buffy, CSI or Discworld fic… LOL. Shameless promotion.]
…and review some more!