The streets were bustling with life. At the traffic light across the street from NG headquarters Shuichi Shindou was jumping from one foot to the other waiting for the light to switch. After a couple of seconds it changed and he skipped happily across the street. The familiar face of the security guy in front of the main entrance came into view and he waved his hand enthusiastically to greet him as always.
But Shuichis hand stopped in midway as he saw him.
The one who now made his heart flutter and his knees go weak. And there he thought he could handle a situation with him. Looks like he assumed too much because here he stood like a fool mouth gaping open starring at the one person he cared about most in the world no matter how often his brain screamed at him: 'It's over.'
It looked like Yuki Eiri was lost in thought because the novelist stood in the entrance of NG headquarters nonmoving looking thoughtful.
'Lucky me. He didn't spot me yet. It would have given him all the wrong impression. Okay, breathe Shuichi. You can handle this. Just walk up to him and greet him casually.'
Shuichi had been so absorbed in Yuki's sudden appearance he totally forgot that he was still standing on the cross walk. The light switched and the cars started to honk at him to move out of the way.
******
Yuki snapped out of his thoughts as several cars started to honk madly in front of him. Someone seemed to hold up the traffic. Gazing towards the cross walk his eyes met with someone he hadn't expected to see this soon. His heart stopped beating for a split second as his eyes took in the beautiful youth a few meters away from him. The sun rays were reflecting on Shuichi's pink hair giving it an unnatural glow. His eyes were sparkling blue and happiness seemed to radiate from him.
'He's looking at me. Is he happy to see me? Maybe I can fix this situation sooner than I thought and everything can go back to like it used to be.'
Yuki fully convinced that he could get back Shuichi easily waited for the pink haired singer to walk up to him first.
******
Shuichi finally snapped out of his day dreaming and after bowing completely embarrassed to the car drivers he approached Yuki eying him nervously. The knowing look in Yuki's eyes made him uncomfortable and it didn't make it any easier to go through with his plan of acting casual around Yuki.
'Why is he looking so sure of himself? Well, of course he always looks like that but doesn't he feel at least a tiny bit sorry for what he said?'
Disappointment crept up in Shuichi's heart nagging at his hope which seemed to crumble more with each passing second. Of course it had been clear to him that obviously Yuki Eiri didn't care as much about him as Shuichi had interpreted into his actions over the last year. He finally admitted that to himself on that fateful day some time ago but it was a different matter to get your heart to understand that as well. And now it looked like a tough battle was coming up.
Shuichi swore to himself that he wouldn't make a fool out of himself yet again. He had promised Ryuichi to be strong and if he would make it through this without breaking down in front of Yuki Eiri then he had taken the first step into a new life - another step away from Yuki.
He let a smile slip on his face as he greeted his former lover.
******
Hey Yuki, how are you doing? Funny meeting you here. I've been just on my way to meet up with the guys. You know for some rehearsal checks for our Christmas concert. Oh, probably you don't know about that one yet, or do you?! Maybe Tohma already told you...."
Shuichi continued to ramble on about things. Yuki felt as if time had stopped. Here his lover stood in front of him chatting happily about nonsense like it used to be before. He felt a smile tugging at his lips and a warmth settled in his chest.
He was close to him.
How long had he yearned for that. It was as if nothing happened, Yuki thought to himself.
But why isn't he looking into my eyes then? He's looking anywhere but at me.'
He frowned as he observed Shuichi more carefully and suddenly he felt as if miles were between them and not a few feet.
Shuichi was uncomfortable.
Maybe he put on a really good show but he couldn't fool him - Yuki Eiri - he knew Shuichi better than he let on. It was like a shock. Shuichi always loved to be near him. Usually he couldn't stand to be a day without him. Now they had been parted for almost two weeks and suddenly everything was different.
Shuichi had stopped babbling now and he looked nervously at the ground. Yuki cocked his head to the side lifting Shuichis chin up so he could look into Shuichi's startling blue eyes. Usually they would tell him everything he needed to know but today they were clouded. So many emotions had been dancing in them a not so long time ago.
Yuki, eh, are you okay?!"
Shuichi jerked his head away taking a step back.
Yuki's heart froze.
He couldn't hold on to him.
Shuichi was slipping right between his fingers.
What should he do?
Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?" came the sarcastic reply. Yuki didn't want to let Shuichi know how much his retreat was bothering him but he couldn't bite back the sarcasm.
Shuichi felt guilty although it was Yuki who owed him an apology. Shuichi looked into Yuki's eyes. Cold and golden like the winter sun but still some warmth and longing was hidden in them. Shuichi wanted to say something, to make Yuki feel better, to do something for him, to calm his own heart. He couldn't stand seeing Yuki trying to act all tough on him. Yuki, I...I'm....-"
"No, I don't want you to say something. You would only end up saying sorry. Saying sorry for something you had no fault in. You were just being you. And that's nothing wrong. So don't even think about it."
Yuki paused looking off into the distance trying to gather his thoughts. He wanted to tell Shuichi so much to make up for his mistake. He wanted to apologize.
Shuichi was quiet too baffled by what Yuki had said. He couldn't remember when Yuki had been so open with him. Still it wasn't enough to heal the pain still lingering in Shuichi's heart.
But obviously Yuki wasn't done yet. He looked as he was trying desperately to find the right words. The pink haired singer sighed. Shuichi wasn't so sure if he wanted to hear it, he didn't trust himself. It had always been hard on him to resist Yuki and not to throw himself into his arms. His heart yearned for Yuki's voice wishing to hear some kind words from the man he still loved. But if he would give in their relationship would just go back to the way it was before. Nothing would change and he still wouldn't know where he stood with Yuki.
Still it was tempting. Shuichi wanted to make up with Yuki, so his restless aching heart would get some peace at night. A relationship was out of the question but since he had talked to Ryuichi most of the sorrow had slowly drifted away leaving a sad bitter feeling in his chest.
Shuichi had wished for a chance to see Yuki again - secretly. Now he had his chance and still he felt helpless. So he simply remained silent waiting patiently for Yuki to start.
The novelist eyes seemed to be far away.
Shuichi was startled as Yuki suddenly started to speak.
"You didn't came back that day. You left me behind. And I guess I deserved it."
He paused, a bitter smile crossing his features. His gaze came to rest on Shuichi's face lost in those pools of endless blue. This time Shuichi didn't look away.
"I denied it all the time. I told myself that you'll come back. Like you always did. And the days went by but you never came. One day I realized that if I wouldn't do anything for a change I might regret it."
He hesitated for a second. Putting on a cool face he shoved a last remark behind.
"Well, in case you want to know I'm not mad at you so you can come back with me if you want."
'Gods how pathetic was that.' Yuki cursed himself for not being able to express himself more Yuki-like.
Still he looked into Shuichi's eyes searching for forgiveness and reassurance that Shuichi understood him. But he could only see confusion and doubt.
Shuichi doubted him.
'So far did it come now. Just what more do you want me to say you stubborn brat.'
Yuki was getting frustrated. He wasn't used to explain himself that explicit to Shuichi. Normally the pink haired singer picked up the hints and everything was okay.
'He should be happy that I'd take him back. That's what he wants right?! So why isn't he in my arms by now? Why is he looking at me like that again?
Gods, I hate that look.'
Yuki was at a loss. He never had thought about what would happen if Shuichi didn't want to come back to him. He had said so many words. Words only meant for Shuichi to show him how he had felt without him. Wasn't that enough? Didn't Shuichi understand how much it took him to say something like that to him? Especially to him. Maybe they weren't as close as he thought they were. Yuki shook his head in confusion.
Silence lay between them.
'Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and just walk past him.'
But Yuki knew that he couldn't have done it. There was something magical that draw him close to the pink haired boy. Shuichi drove him mad.
Yuki couldn't stand to be close to him but he couldn't live without him neither.
The silence began to unnerve him. This was getting weirder and weirder. Now he was the one wishing for that idiots babbling.
'Say something. Please say something. Anything.'
Shuichi was still staring at him. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Yuki actually managed to let him see a bit of his feelings. But how should he react now? Shuichi was close to a panic. That was what he had been waiting for all the time for Yuki to open up by himself without his prodding and curiosity.
'Maybe...maybe we can patch things up...and everything can be like it was. I miss you Yuki, I miss you so much, but...but...'
Shuichi clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. Yuki could see the different emotions flash over Shuichi's face. But most of them were gone in less than a second only one remained in the end.
Doubt.
The doubting look was still on Shuichi's face.
And Yuki could feel himself crumble inside. The pain was eating away at him as he tried to keep up his mask.
'How can this happen to me again? Why, god damnit, why?'
Thoughts like that raced through his mind as he could feel a light touch on his sleeve. His hard gaze settled on Shuichi who clutched his jacket sleeve.
"What? What do you want now brat? I think I said enough. If you want to give me an answer do it now or let me go. I think I'm wasting my time here."
Almost instantly hurt flashed over Shuichi's face and he let Yuki's sleeve goo.
'No, no, put your hand back put it back, I didn't meant it. Please.'
Yuki sighted. Everything went wrong here. He should just leave now before matters got worse and he couldn't control his feelings anymore. He would either kiss that stupid brat or yell at him for messing his life up.
"Yuki, please listen to me."
Shuichi could see that Yuki wanted to get away from him but he wanted to settle this first.
"Yuki, look at me. I have to tell you something, too."
Slowly Yuki turned back to Shuichi.
"I can't forgive you for what you said because I don't really think there is something to forgive on your behalf. I rather think it helped me to realize something. Maybe I needed this push so I would finally grow up and stop chasing a dream which will never come true.
I think you have been right from the beginning. I tried to push things and I tried to make things work out although now I see that we never had a real chance anyway. It was rather my hyperactive imagination."
Yuki was stunned. First the brat told him there's nothing to forgive where he thought all the time how to apologize and second he's quitting on their relationship because everything was an illusion??!! What was going on here? Yuki got the feeling he was in the wrong movie. All he could do was look unbelieving at Shuichi who squirmed under Yuki's troubled gaze. He ran his hand through his pink hair and sighed.
"I know I start babbling again but I think we should just leave everything as it is now. At the moment I feel comfortable with how things are running. And you know our tour is coming up and the Christmas concert. So I'm quite busy and I think I need sometime for myself to figure out what I want."
Shuichi took a deep breath glancing up at Yuki to see how he had taken it.
'Geez, that sounded like an excuse.'
Well, maybe it was but he had no idea what else to say and he really felt content sharing an apartment with Ryuichi and he had to take care of a lot of things. But still - he felt bad for saying it to Yuki.
Yuki was in for a good yelling now. This whole meeting didn't went at all how he had imagined it would. What did Shuichi expect him to say now? Well, he offered enough if the brat wouldn't take it he didn't care anymore. Yuki was very upset and glared at his former lover.
"Well, that's fine with me. Tohma just mentioned that you have been out of it lately and it wouldn't be good for Bad Lucks future. He just asked me if I could talk to you and that's done now. So if you would excuse me now I can't stay here all day listening to your ranting." He spat out coldly and turned to walk off.
Shuichi was shocked. He couldn't just let him walk away. He knew Yuki was hurting.
"Yuki wait. I didn't mean to be rude."
Shuichi ran to keep up with the blonde and started to walk beside him.
"I just need some time alone now. To think everything over, okay?!" Shuichi gave Yuki a small smile. But the blonde kept his eyes straight ahead.
Both walked in silence for awhile.
"Are you coming tomorrow?" Shuichi cast a glance at the tall man beside him hoping for an answer. Yukis face was expressionless like usual.
"I don't know. Tohma said I should."
He paused here and skidded to a halt fixing his gaze on Shuichi.
"Look. I know I messed up - once again and probably one time too often. And concerning the stuff you said earlier. You were wrong in the first issue and in second as well. - I'm sorry Shuichi, I'm really sorry but I can't turn back time. I wish I could but I cannot."
'Here. That was much better.' Yuki was proud of himself. He won over his anger and told Shuichi what he thought. Well not too directly but it was okay and he felt much better now. He looked at Shuichi who was smiling now with sparkling blue eyes. Warmth settled in his chest again and for now the world seemed right again.
Shuichi was happy. Maybe it wasn't like it used to be between them but for now it was good enough.
"Hey Yuki, so are you coming tomorrow? I am. And Hiro and Suguru and K and Ryuichi..."
Shuichi was busy listing all the people he knew would attend as something pinkish in Yukis pocket caught his attention.
"What's that in your pocket?"
Before Yuki could react Shuichi had grabbed the little something and hold now a very fluffy, soap smelling Kumagoro in his hands.
"Whoa, Kumagoro what happened to you? Your fur feels kinda creamy. But you smell pretty good."
Shuichi smiled at his bunny he had been missing since he had left Yuki. Questioningly he eyed Yuki who nervously shifted his weight on his other leg.
"Well, you know after I found him he was kind of dirty, so I gave him a bath....-"
Before he could continue something bounced between them grasping the pink bunny and jumped Shuichi.
"Hija, Shu-chan, did you miss me, no na da? Kumagoro missed you and look-"
He hold up Shuichi's Kumagoro in his face.
"- who I found. Kumagoro's brother. Now we're all together again. Although his fur is kinda funny."
Ryuichi poked his little friend.
"But he smells good. What happened to him?"
Shuichi grinned as Ryuichi talked to the two Kumagoro's. Yuki just raised an eyebrow. To him Nittle Grasper's singer was as annoying as Shuichi could be. He had always wondered how Tohma had survived him on their tours.
"Well, you see Ryu-chan, Yuki gave him a bath."
At this Ryuichi eyes got all round and big.
"Whhhaaat? Yuki took a bath with Kumagoro???!!!"
Before Shuichi could even blink and Yuki get irritated by their buddy talking they had a hyper Ryuichi bouncing around them. Together with the two pink bunnies he sang loudly.
"Yuki took a bath with Kumagoro. Yuki took a bath with Kumagoro, no na da. "
They began to draw quite a crowd being popular as they were anyway. Yuki felt the heat rush into his cheeks. He really hated it to be embarrassed in front of anybody. So he quickly dragged both of them back to NG headquarters and after a couple of threatening glares Ryuichi finally shut up. Yuki dropped them off in the lobby and without any good bye he turned and stomped out of the building.
Shuichi stood nonmoving for awhile until Ryuichi poked him in his side.
"What is it, Shu-chan? You okay, no na da?!"
Worried he looked at his friend.
"I said his name." Shuichi seemed a bit confused. Ryuichi smiled knowing full well about who he was talking.
"And?"
Shuichi looked up at him, smiling.
"It felt good. I missed saying his name. And it doesn't hurt so much anymore."
Ryuichi nodded understandingly.
"Come on, Shu-chan. Let's go, no na da. The others are waiting."
With that he turned around and started bouncing down the hall quickly being followed by Shuichi.
******
The room was dark lit only by the stars and the moon. Shuichi sat on his bed feeling lonely once again. He always felt lonely at night. The pink haired singer sighed. Actually he should be happy. Things went well with Yuki at least before Ryuichi came along. But he knew his friend didn't make Yuki mad on purpose. It was just his cheerful self.
Shuichi rolled over on his tummy looking out of his window. Tomorrow was the Christmas party. Five days left until Bad Lucks concert. He hoped Yuki would come to the party.
Suddenly he remembered something.
"Argh, I'm just so stupid."
He smacked himself on the head.
"Now I forgot to get Yuki to answer if he's attending tomorrow or not."
He groaned and dropped his head on his pillow.
******
In his apartment Yuki Eiri was sitting in front of his laptop smoking a cigarette. He hadn't been writing since Shuichi left him but as soon as he entered the apartment today the words just appeared out of nowhere so he wrote them down. He had never written something like that before. It was very simple but it expressed what he felt and hoped. Yuki read it once again.
you and me
why can't you see
that only love it is
what I for you feel.
just look at me
why can't you see
deep in my heart
my love is real.
now I'm sitting here
being victim to my fear
the end is near, please come
and kiss away my lonely tear.
I'm lost without you at my side
so let's stop to hide
what we're feeling inside.
you know I love you, too
please come back, so together
we'll make our dreams come true.
The cursor blinked at the end of the page.
Restlessly.
Like Yuki Eiri's mind where images of a pink haired boy with sparkling blue eyes laughed at him.
************************************************
Sorry everyone that I needed so long to post this chapter. I had to finish my application for aupair in France and I also had trouble at school & with my apartment.
Thanks everybody for reviewing. I never thought so many people are reading my story. I love you all. You inspire me & keep me going.
Finally I can start writing the Christmas party. I really look forward to that chapter. Probably I even have to split it up. I don't know yet. This time I wanted to present the inner conflict of Yuki & Shuichi. I hope I got that right.
By the way a question to all native English speaker: do you guys know the expression "being in the wrong movie"? I took it from my mother language German. I didn't know how to express it in English. It means "feeling out of place" or something like that.