"Take, if you must, this
little bag of dreams,
Unloose the cord, and they will wrap you round."
-- W.B. Yeats
Fly with me then away from three separate faces shrouded in shadows: one clutching a stuffed animal, a comfort reaching out from her childhood; one, startled from anxious reveries by the sound of his tears falling into the drink held in his lap; one walking slowly through the cool air of the early hours, eyes reflecting the stars above that he gazes at with an awful humility.
Come instead into a more hopeful scene, over the warm fields of Kansas, through the quiet small town of Smallville, to a school whose sports-fields lie open to the country beyond. The sound of laughing teenagers, accompanied by music from the odd radio or two can be heard enjoying their welcome breaks from their study. Here, in the light of the sun, as they walk about hand in hand with lovers, or sit in huddles on white steps laughing and gossiping, they all seem like what they should be; children. The sense of dread, fear, grief and betrayal that have before now crept up on them at too young an age, appear absent.
Come with me away from the lunch-crowd, the soccer practice, the impromptu celebration of a Senior's 18th birthday out in the parking lot. Come out to the football field - with no practice today it's empty bar a few stray candy wrappers happily playing with the breeze – and let your eye travel up to the lone figure perched high on the bleachers.
Clark sits spread out beneath the empty sky, elbows resting on the bench behind, legs stretched out before him.
His eyes are closed, the sounds of his peers distant in his ears as he faces the wind face-on. Its been building up the past few minutes so that now his jet-black hair is being kept off his eyes, swept back in the breeze.
For a few moments, if he sits like this, he can have a kind of peace. He can empty his mind. He can forget why he's not in the office of the Torch right now with Chloe; forget the fact that since the weekend she's been perfectly civil, smiling and appearing fine and happy, albeit not as teasing and banter-eager as usual. It's just that she's made it perfectly clear that she's not ready to be alone with him yet. She can't say it, but she needs someone else there...Pete, one of her girlfriends, a hall full of people…anyone whose eyes she can turn to meet, and not see in them a guilt-ridden liar.
He can forget how yesterday they'd been planning Pete's party at the Talon with Lana. How she'd frowned as Clark's off-hand suggestion for music had been met by a stony silence from Chloe, before she'd turned to Clark with an expression Lana couldn't read' saying quietly how Pete had been very much over that band since their disappointing last album cam out a month back.
"Oh, I didn't know…" Clark had said with a strange hasty smile.
Chloe hadn't had to voice her thoughts. Of course you didn't. You're never around. You're never at Pete's, you never stick around long at the Talon with us. And when you are you seem like you've got something far more important on your mind than what music we're currently into.
Yes, Lana had sat in confusion among the tension before her. But there'd been no time for questions as they'd moved on with the planning.
---
Ever had a week, completely routine, that's just flown by? Sure you have. Far too much of life is wasted like that; filled with unmemorable, routine and meaningless hours. But for Clark, the past week had been so full of changes and emotional exhaustion that he quite honestly had to re-count the days in hid mind, it was that hard to accept his and Lex's first kiss had been less than a week ago; that the party wasn't some far distant memory of a more confused time; that that morning by the river wasn't the beginning of something that had been going on forever; that only days ago Chloe had been able to look at him without something akin to bitter disappointment.
He was a changed person. Life was so thick with complications right now it was unbelievable; but it was a rush. Friday night through to Saturday morning had been a living hell of rejection. Saturday had been a waking dream of relief and adjustment, ending in its final hours with aching pangs of regret, of a friendship lost in a wave of change….sure, he'd had to sacrifice a lot. He was playing so many different roles with Chloe, Pete and Lana (who he'd had to seek out for a little amount of time each day to avoid her or Pete noticing anything really strange in his behaviour); and then there were his parents of course.
He'd muttered something about a big project at school to account for his stressed appearance, and his long absences…
…because then there was Lex. Lex, who was worth all this lying, hiding and deception of a level even Clark, the alien boy-wonder, had ever known.
Quite literally every spare minute he'd had, had been spent with him. After leaving Chloe's he'd gone home and tried to sleep – but to no avail. The house was too quiet and empty, his posters from childhood and aging wallpaper too stifling for him. He'd ventured out into the night to look at the stars, finding himself drawn to the mansion. That's where he'd been while Lex was drowning his sorrows….standing in the grounds, hidden in darkness, staring at a house which appeared quiet and still. He'd left then – some very human part of him finding the time to worry about seeming too obsessive, too clingy, …too likely to scare Lex off at the start of this part of their relationship.
Come daylight however, he'd realised how that could never be.
Lex had appeared first thing in the morning, much to Martha's innocent delight, and was set to work consuming some of the pancakes which she always made too much of on a Sunday morning. Clark's dad had always allowed himself this one day of the week to sleep in…a fact that all three were keenly aware of and grateful for, but of course never mentioned aloud.
As for all Clark's confusion and anxiety from the night before, all it needed was one suggestive smile and raised eyebrow from Lex while Martha's back was turned, for every worry of his to evaporate into nothing, and to give a wide-eyed mock-threatening glare of warning back across the table.
Even as skilled at deception as he was Clark still struggled to contain his impatience for this nice little family get-to-together to come to a quick end, and for the two of them just to be alone. Lex seemed to be in a freakily humorous mood however, and was taking great delight in taking as much time as he needed in enjoying his breakfast and flattering the obliging and blushing Mrs. Kent.
When they'd finally gotten away from the table, and gone outside – Lex smoothly claiming he'd promised to help Clark shop for Pete's birthday gift – they'd made sure they were out of sight of the house before Clark had grabbed Lex by the shoulder and tugged him into the shadow of the barn, laughing in disbelief.
"Lex, what the hell has got into you!"
Lex had adopted a mock-serious face of concern, his twinkling eyes and slight hints of a smile giving his amusement away.
"What's the matter Clark? Didn't you enjoy your morning surprise?"
Clark frowned incredulously.
"Of course I did, I mean…are you okay? You just-"
Lex watched him closely now.
"What?"
Clark shrugged lightly, still frowning.
"Its just…well, I guess I didn't expect you to take such a risk, or, I don't know….I suppose I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon."
Lex smiled knowingly, looking away for a second as he started to speak.
"Clark, I still believe in being cautious, and in keeping this secret. But….we wasted a long time hiding from this. Far, far too long."
He turned back to meet Clark's gaze, standing closer.
" This is the best thing that's ever happened to me – I'm not ashamed to say that. And I don't care if I seem to be coming on too strong, or too fast, because I swear to God Clark every minute I've not been with you these past few days has seemed like the longest, most lonely minute I've ever know."
And with that he had reached up and pulled Clark into a kiss that sure as hell confirmed everything he'd just said, and then some.
So that had been the end to any fears about 'taking it slow'. A good percentage of the awkward uncertainty in the early days of a relationship is due only to unfamiliarity. But Lex knew him like no-one else. They knew each other, their moods and tempers, their tones and expressions. All it had needed was one of them to say this equivalent of 'let's just skip all the hesitant crap and admit what we want'.
Since then they'd spent as much time together as possible without arousing suspicion from those around them. Apart from the traditional- and obligatory -Sunday dinner in the Kent household, all that day had been spent with Lex, riding around the country in his car. After school every day so far this week he'd been round at the mansion, or 'accidently' meeting him in the Beanery.
They were crazy about each other, sure. Clark had never been more happy in his life, even though a lot of the time they were just doing what they always had – talking, laughing, sharing thoughts and opinions, feelings and memories. But somehow you could always grin wider when some joke was accompanied by teasing laughter and a long kiss.
A few days of seeing the Friday-evening Lex as a permanent feature, which was strangely like watching someone settle into their own skin for the first time, left Clark on a high of expectation and bliss he hadn't known since the first proper development of his powers.
He felt like nothing else mattered – just the hours of wonderful nothingness spent with his best friend…hours which they both desperately tried to fit around work and school, and with great success. And swept away by his own incredible luck, Clark almost forgot he was supposed to be keeping his other secret locked away, even from those he loved.
TBC
[yet again I plead guilty to a hugely unfair leave of absence. Got a job, got Uni madness, but slowly getting life back on track. Touch wood. (seriously, go touch some wood for me). More soon folks. And hey, I heard that mutter of disbelief, and – well, I can understand. sheepish apologetic grin ]
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