A man's past is not simply a dead history…it is a

 still-quivering part of himself, bringing shudders

 and bitter flavours and the tinglings of merited shame."

-George Elliot.

"What?"

 "You heard me."

  It was a bluff. Clark had no idea if and how he was studying the meteors. But Lex had seen the truth in Chloe's 'wall of weird' more than once…and if there was one thing Clark knew about the young man looking up at him uncertainly, it was that he wouldn't just stand by while something that strange was going on. He enjoyed a good challenge, a good mystery… and knowing what Lex had seen, and what had suddenly appeared in that locked cabinet across the room, Clark was willing to take the risk of giving Lex a hint of a truth that he may or may not already know….

 And it seemed impossible, but for a second Lex's worried gaze darted over to that cabinet and back to Clark, and there wasn't just guilt or surprise there – there was suspicion. An unspoken suspicion that was nevertheless clear on Lex's face, and so automatic, so sure, that Clark couldn't believe Lex could ever make such an irrational, illogical, and correct  leap - the question came with narrowed eyes, and a slight fear:

Do you really know what's in there?

Whatever Lex could or could not read in his eyes, he did not voice the thought. Instead, something he saw in those eyes must have moved him to turn back to the question put to him.

"We all know the meteors have done something to this town Clark…"

It was a cautious answer. The tone and the careful wording rang true of the Lex Luthor of old. Only the eyes kept some spark of hope alive in the boy listening to him, that there was still a chance for truth…and love.

 It took everything in him to keep his own voice firm now, and not sound desperate, and as vulnerable as he felt.

 " So what – is it just your land and property you're concerned about? Contamination?"

 There was no immediate response save for a shifting of the eyes.

 "How 'bout the power of them Lex? Did you get curious about that? Did you need to know if it could be manipulated?"

 The eyes shot back up, and yes...it was there stronger now. Fear and confusion. Wondering why Clark was suddenly daring to say the things he thought they'd put behind them a long time ago.  Assessments of his character that were both harsh and frighteningly accurate…or at least, they could have been once…

 He spoke quietly – he'd never had to face this side of himself with Clark. He was the one person in whose presence he could vaguely feel good about himself ; the one person with whom he could be who he always wanted to be. So now…he was going to be honest. He was going to trust himself to the person he loved, even now when he seemed so, so different.

 "I have been studying the meteor rocks, yes…And at first there might have been an element of…of what you said. That, and curiosity…".

"But then?"

Lex flashed a brief, softened look for a moment, at such a reminder of how well they knew each other.

"But then it all became serious. Definitely, after seeing Chloe's Wall of Weird, it was like this constant, menacing worry at the back of my mind that there was something more to Smallville, to this whole place –  and a sudden fear that what very little I knew was just the tip of the iceberg."

 Clark watched him carefully, his eyes hard, defensive.

 "You're telling me that you honestly took that much notice of one of my friend's quirky hobbies?" 

That got a tired, sad chuckle, as Lex buried his head in his hands for a second before standing and pacing slowly.

 "Oh god Clark, you just don't see do you?" He sighed. "Not that there's any reason why you should I guess… I don't bring it up a lot in conversation. After all, most people have it in their minds each time they look at me…"

 It took Clark a moment or two to understand. When he did, his heart wrenched, recalling in a horrid rush the second main reason, other than appearing a freak to the man he loved, why he should never tell Lex the truth:

 His arrival here had made Lex a freak himself.

 Lex ran a hand over his bald head, as he stared down at the floor.

 "These meteors changed my life, Clark. For better or worse...I don't know. Maybe I'll never be able to decide for sure…But I do know that I've never been looked at the same since.  These...rocks from out of space…they just happened to strike this place at that particular time. I can't help but feel those few, unbelievably terrifying moments, didn't shape the entire of my life to come – that they weren't part of my destiny somehow…"

He looked up slowly out of his inward reverie.

"And then there was you."

 Clark couldn't say a word as Lex came to stand before him, his eyes trailing over his face, his hand briefly combing black locks away from his face.

 "Clark Kent…Who'd have thought it was you all along. You see, I thought…I still think… you're somehow linked to it all…to whatever secret this town is hiding, to those meteors and what they can do,  to my screwed-up life and what's to come of it."

 Lex swallowed hard as he looked into Clark's scared eyes…this was it. Looking into those eyes, he'd see the truth as he spoke.

 " I don't …I don't know if its like what's happened to all those others who I know you've discovered lately – whether its something that happened to you because of exposure to the rocks, or what….But, Clark…I should have killed you that day. I should have gone to hell having killed you. But instead, there you were, saving my life. Not a scratch on you. And not a single thing asked in return..."

 His voice was shaky and full of the burden of many hours and long nights spent struggling with terrible suspicions; thoughts that went round and round, and tore his heart at every turn.

 "And then you're… you've been there protecting me and those around you as if it were somehow your duty, your responsibility…as if you understand that -that world I can't grasp,  better than any of us."

 He leaned in closer, his voice a confessional whisper.

"And you're hiding things Clark. .."

He watched as the eyes before him for a second in the pain of being found out…in disbelieving all this was known…that there was only the truth or loss to come from this…

"…I study the meteors because I want to understand why. I want to understand what the hell happened here thirteen years ago, so that I can stop being that scared kid who saw the sky fall down around him…the kid who got turned into a freak. The kid who no-one trusts."

Clark broke down, lowering his face completely, leaning his forehead against Lex's, as the older boy, full of compassion and love clasped his fingers together behind Clark's neck.

 They stood there together, the tension unbearable, and the tears welling in their eyes threatening to fall at any second.

   When Clark spoke it was with such a strained tormented voice as neither Lex, or any other soul on this earth had heard before. No-one had even dreamt such pent-up anguish could exist inside the heart of mild-mannered, smiling, carefree Clark Kent.  It was the voice of his legacy – the question that had haunted him since his father had told him the truth; when he'd first realised that his arrival here, his good home, his wonderful parents, all came at the price of bringing with him those meteors…and causing the death and pain of dozens of people. Causing Lex to turn into a freak, just like him.

 "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…God, Lex, how can you ever forgive me?"

 TBC

[Apologies – couldn't write in week.]

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