Harry Potter and the Chamber of insanity!
Chris: This is my newly attempt to make fun of JK's book "Chamber of secrets."
Harry: Hi. I am Harry. Today is my birthday and no body gives a damn. How would you feel if no one cares about you and locks you up in the room all because you're a freak?
Hedwig: *Screech* I'm just a birdie! I am not important in this story. All I ever did was sent mails to Harry and back. Imagine how it feels to be a post owl. *Screech* By the way Harry, can i gauge your uncle's eyes out because he's an asshole!
Vernon: I'm Uncle Vernon. And I work at the Grunnings. Boring company as I am and I am viciously evil. People never likes me. I always abuse my nephew and spoiled my son Dudley. He's a fat pig size of a killer whale. We had to use trucks to carry him with us. And my wife who is a whore and a bitch. She too spoils our son and treats Harry like a dung.
Dudley: I'll be waiting to open the door for the Masons.
Petunia: I'll be welcoming them into our home.
Harry: That's so funny because that sounds like you try to be something you are definitely not! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'll be in my room pretending i don't exist. Just so you can be "happy". ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Dobby: me sir, Dobby the house elf! I got a message for 'Arry Potter sir! Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts of witchcraft and wizardry school this year! Plots! Terrible plots! Oh lordy! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! No wizard treats me nice. Bad Dobby! Anyway, You stay here Sir Potter. And while I make sure, I will put this cake on the Masons and the Dursleys might put bars on your window!
Mr. Mason: I got the gist that something is up. Those three idiots they called themselves Dursleys grinned too much, the fat boy opened the door and asked to take our jackets. Too unusual for a twelve year old boy. And Petunia stares at me too much. Mr. Dursley talks too much about boring stuff. When is dinner?
Mrs. Mason: Aaaaa! A cake on my head. Oh why does this have to happen? Odd things happened around here. Oh let's get out of this weird place.
Vernon: Blast you boy! You shall never see your freaky friends of yours again! Never!
Harry: Oh woe is me!
Ron: Here I come to save the damsel in distress!
Harry: Do I look like a female!?
Ron: No, but I am your knight in shining Armour. Ever wonder why I want to be a knight in that chess board last year? Ever notice that Fred is my steed and George is my forgettable sidekick?
Fred and George: HEY!
Ron: Quiet you. Get your trunk Harry. You better stand back. Drive. (Rope yanks the bars off the window and Harry get everything he needs*
Vernon: Petunia! He is escaping!
Ron: Aaaaaah!
Harry: Let go of me!
Ron: I'll save you Harry!
Vernon: you're not going anywhere!
Harry: Get off!
*Vernon falls out the window)
Me: Aaaawww! That didn't break his neck? Bugger.
Ron: By the way Harry, Happy birthday.
Harry: I'm not gay.
Ron: I never said I was.
Molly Weasley: I'm a frantic worrywart mother! I punish only Ron because he always did things wrong! No note! Beds empty! Car gone! You could have died! You could have been seen!
Ron: I saved him from starvation mum. They put bars on his windows!
Molly: You best hope I don't put bars on your window Ronald Weasley.
Me: Call the security! Bring in the straight jacket! Not for me! For that crazy woman!
Ginny: I'm Ginny. I love Harry Potter. I adore him to death.
Ron: Want me to get rid of her for you?
Harry: No. It's fine.
Ron: Aw.
Mr. Weasley: I'm a spoiled father! I don't care what happens to my kids as long as there is still seven numbers around. No wait. Charlie! Bill!
Weasley: Bill is in Egypt! Charlie is in Romania you idiot! Not dead. And besides, Your kids drove that enchanted car of yours to Surrey and back last night.
Mr. Weasley: Did you really? So how did it go? (Weasley mother hits him) I mean that is very wrong boys. Very wrong indeed.
Ron: Yeah you tell us that.
Mr. Weasley: And who are you?
Harry: Sorry sir. Harry Potter sir. I mean. I am Harry Potter. Now I am sounding like dobby.
Mr. Weasley: Really? Eeeee! OH ME GAWD! HARRY POTTER IN MY HOUSE!! Errr… I mean… Are you really? Ron told me all about you.
Harry: He didn't tell you I'm gay did he?
Mr. Weasley: Aren't you?
Harry: No.
Mr. Weasley: Aww. Ok. You know much about Muggles. What is a function of a rubber duck?
Errol: Message! *Hits into the window.* (A la "don't be a menace in the central while drinking juice in the hood")
Percy: I'm a PREfuct. I mean Prefect. And I am strict with rules. Flying a car here is quite wrong. Anyway, Message from Dumbasdoor. I mean Dumbledore, He knows you're here Harry.
Mr. Weasley: Does he really? EEEE! I mean, doesn't miss a trick that man.
George: But these don't come cheap! *Sobs*
Molly: Oh dear. Now we will not eat for a month.
All: NO!!!!
Molly: Kidding. There is one place to find them. Diagon Alley.
Harry: Thank you captain obvious! I now know where Ron gets 'em.
Molly: We're gonna go through Floo powder. Go on Harry.
Harry: Are you sending me straight to hell?!
Molly: No. We're just going to Diagon Alley.
Ron: But Harry never traveled through Floo Powder before mum.
Harry: Flu?
Ron: No Floo. No 'U', two O's. Floo.
Harry: Floo. Flu… Floo.
Mrs. Weasley: Why don't you show Harry how it's done.
Ron: Watch me Harry. Diagon alley!
*Green flames bursts and Harry was shaken up*
Harry: D-dia-gon All-ay
*Harry comes out in Knockturn alley. And plays with gadgets*
Hand: Muwahahahahahaha! I scared you didn't I boy? Read the note! Don't touch!
Woman: Want to come to my place Dearie?
Harry: AAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!! *Runs into Hagrid*
Hagrid: Watch out for them. Avada Kedavra! *Kills all the people in knockturn!*
Harry: But won't you be arrested?
Hagrid: They won't know.
Me: Good ol' Hagrid!
Hermione: Harry! I'm a bookworm and I am bit snobby, slutty, I mean I stick with the rules. Although we'll be breaking hundreds of school rules anyway. So there. (A/N: I don't think she's at all a slut. So don't flame me! It is a joke!) What did you do to your glasses? Ocilis Reparo. Come on, got to see Lockhart.
Harry: Oh no. Not that freak.
Molly: EEEEE! LOCKHART! OH ME GAWD! This is why We don't go get Harry. We want Lockhart!
Ron: No I don't. Mum fancies him.
Molly: I don't want to admit it but yes.
Ginny: I love Harry!
Harry: *Is freaked out*
Ron: Want me to…
Harry: NO!
Lockhart: couldn't be Harry Potter!
*Photographer grabs him and then Harry gets hurt and tangled and he is frightened.*
Hagrid: Somebody call the freaking child abuse department!
Ron: I'll save you!
Harry: NO!
Draco: I'm a poor abused child in a rich family where they spoiled me and treat me rotten. I act like my father to gain his love but he never does notice it. Bet you love that didn't you Potter? Famous Harry Potter. Can't get into a book shop without making the front page! Which I found arousing.
Harry: God, I am not gay!
Draco: I never said I was.
Ginny: Harry loves me.
Harry: Ummm….. God, are you there? HELP ME!!!
Lucius: There, Draco, play nicely. Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy. Forgive me…
Harry: Get away from me you perv!!
Lucius: Fine. But your scar is legend. And of course, so was the one who gave it to you.
Harry: Oh you mean Voldilocks? Well he was nothing more than a big cry baby and a murderer. He was just jealous because he has no parents.
Mr. Weasley: Children, it's mad in here. We must get out of here. Your mum is nuts.
Mr. Malfoy: Mr. Weasley. The company you keep, i though the Weasleys would sink no lower. How disgrace to the name of wizardry.
Mr. Weasley: We have a very good deal about name of wizard Mr. Malfoy.
Mr. Malfoy: My god. You people are so… disgusting. See you at work.
Draco: See you at school. *Raises eye brows at Ron and Harry*
Harry: I'm.. not.. Gay!
*Ron and Harry crashes into the wall.*
Hedwig: aaaah! What in the name of Allah are you doing? Trying to kill me?
Scabbers: *Snores*
Harry: Ah crap! We can't get through the wall.
Ron: Let's go steal the car and get noticed by muggles and get nearly expelled.
Harry: Ok!
Harry: Won't muggles notice a flying car?
Ron: Oh, right. *Turns on invisibility booster*
Car: Weeee! I'm invisible!
*Car is visible this time*
Car: aaah! I can be seen!
Ron: Oh no, the invisibility boost must be faulted.
Harry: We have to go lower. We have to find the train.
*As they fly down, Ron farted*
Harry: Uigh!
Hedwig: Don't tell me you ate the burrito before we left!
Ron: Now we have to find the train. It can't be far behind
*Train whistles*
Harry: Did you hear that?
Ron: we must be getting close. But where is it?
Hedwig: *Turns to see a train* Eeeeek! Get off the fucking tracks you morons!
Harry and Ron: Aaaaaaaaa! *Car spins around under the bridge and then Harry slids out of the car*
Car: Why didn't you wear a freaking seatbelt Harry?!?!
Ron: Harry! Hold on!
Harry: Thank you mister Obvious!!
Ron: Take my hand!
*Harry grabs his hand but slips*
Ron: Hold on!
Harry: I'm trying! Your hands are all sweaty and sticky!
Car: Eeeeeewwww! Bad hentai image!
Ron: Uuuhhh…
Harry: Now we found the train.
Ron: Yeah.
Car: *In louis Anderson voice* I hope we learned a valuable lesson. Wear a freaking seat belt. It does have a purpose you twits!
*We see the Hogwarts castle*
Ron: Welcome home.
Harry: … I thought i told you… *Car starts to sputter and die*
*Ron tries to stop the car with the wand and It snapped in half*
Ron: My wand. Look at my wand!
Harry: Lest it's not your neck that's broken. *Something hit's the car*
Ron: *In very high pitch voice* What's happening?
Willow: You hit me! I hate you! This is the second time a car hits me! I will not take it! Die!
Car: Ok, that sucks. Now get out boys! Take your stinking luggage, your stupid birdie!
Hedwig: Aaaaa! Stupid car!
Scabbers: *Snores* Eeeh what? *Snores*
Ron: Scabbers, you're ok!
Scabbers: Well I should be or the third movie would be messed up if I were dead.
Car: I'm out of here. Those no count brats. Thinking this was a great time to fly cars into whomping willows and get run over by trains. How dare they! I'm pissed off! I need a lawyer!
Ron: Ok, let's go meet Filch.
Filch: Oh dear. I am a ugly grumpy mangy old goat! You shall be expelled! What a jolly holiday it's gonna be!
Ron: It's September.
Filch: Don't mouth at me!!
Snape: Muggles seen you flying a car! What idiocy is this? I shall expel you now!
Dumbledore: You will not. I am a old man and am very mysterious. McGonagall you give the punishments.
Snape: But the boys did a terrible damage on the whomping willow that been here since before they were born.
McGonagall: Snape, you shut the hell up and go play with your little snake friends. Besides, no body cares about the whomping willow!
Willow: Why I oughta…
Ron: We're not expelled!
McGonagall: No you're not. I'm not letting Snape enjoy watching you two get expelled. It disgusts me.
Snape: Damn you woman.
Ron: *Taping his wand* Wonderful. A broken wand, angry parents, nearly expelled but detention, the car hates us, Scabbers is stupid, Hedwig hates us, and now what is worse?
Harry: You're doomed.
*A camera snaps and Harry startles*
Colin: Hi Harry. I'm a weird, poisoned mind obsessed, ill, creepy stalking Colin Creevey. I'm in Gryffindor too. I heard that you are gay.
Harry: No I am not! Get away from me!!
Dean: Hey Ron, is that your owl?
Me: His famous last words.
Howler: RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THE CAR! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER IS OUT THERE FACING INQUIRY AT WORK! SO I THINK I WILL HAVE TO BE PUTTING BARS ON YOUR WINDOW NOW! Oh Ginny. Congratulations on making the Gryffindor.
Ginny: Great Mum. Go yell at Ron and then speak to me. Couldn't things get worse?
Harry: You're doooooooomed.
.
Sprout: I'm a fat humble plump woman who is to teach you how to repot mandrakes. Now who ought to tell me the property of the mandrake roots.
Hermione: Mandrake, or mandagora, is used for returning people beck to normal form when cursed or petrified. And I don't know what is next. Oh yes. Quite dangerous, the Mandrake's cry is arousing… no! I mean fatal to blondes… I mean people who eats them… no hear them.
Sprout: Ummm. I don't know what to say… 10 points to Gryffindor because I don't care. Mandrakes are only babies so their cries won't kill you yet.
Me: Thank goodness.
Sprout: But they can knock you out in several hours so I got you these pair of earmuffs!
Harry: Ugh. These muffs are ugly.
Hermione: Put them on. I found them quite sexy. I mean… shutting up.
Sprout: You grasp the mandrake firmly and you pull them sharply out of the ground.
(Mandrake screams*
Mandrake: OW! Stupid woman! That hurts! You need to read the books! Don't yank the mandrakes! That is why we cry!
*Neville fainted*
Seamus: Nooooo! My love fainted!
Harry: Why are these hypocrites driving me crazy!
*Draco tickles the mandrake and it bites*
Draco: YEOW! I was being nice you brat! No wonder my daddy hates me.
Lockhart: Welcome! I am Lockhart, a stupid, egoistic, moron who stole all the credits from people and am a creep. Ok, I will lease the pixies. I don't know what to do with them.
Seamus: Cornish pixies?
Lockhart: Freshly caught Cornish Pixies.
*Everyone laughed and Lockhart looked offended*
Lockhart: Laugh if you want. But the pixies can be tricky devilish little blighters. Let's see what you make of them
*Pixies fly off and Neville hung onto the candelier, and Lockhart casts a nonworking spell and the pixie took it away and He runs away*
Ron: What do we do now?
Harry: Simple, Hermione will put a charm on them and Neville will say…
Neville: Why is it always me?
Harry: We didn't see much happen to you. Just in the books.
Neville: Life sucks.
Ron: DUH!
Oliver: Ok, let's get shaken there. Let's go fly the brooms and did what we did… when was the last time we practiced? Oh yeah… What cha doin' Flint?
Flint: Beautiful morning. Birds chirping in the sky, Weather smells nice, birds singing. I'm getting my braces in few weeks.
Oliver: God… You… Need… Serious… Help… Immediately!
Flint: Nah, kidding. We got a special signed permission from the sour prune Snape with permission to train a new seeker.
Oliver: got a new seeker? Who?
*Draco shows*
Harry: Malfoy! You decided to follow me as a seeker! You got to be kidding!
Draco: That's right. Now it is a perfect time for me to watch your sweet ass.
Harry: I'm… Not… GAY!!!
Ron: No fair! WAAA! You guys get the nimbus 2001! All they got is cleansweep 7 and nimbus 2000!
Draco: Yeah and my father can afford the best!
Hermione: Spoilt brat. Didn't you know your father only did this to shut you up? And none of the Gryffindor team have to buy their way in. They got in through pure talent.
Draco: No one asks opinions of a mud blood!
Ron: You'll pay for that one! Eat slugs!
*Wand backfires and Ron starts to feel badly sick*
Hermione: Ron are you alright? Say something!
*Ron vomits all over Hermione.*
Hermione: UGH!
Colin: Wow. Can you turn him around Harry?
Harry: NO! Get out of the damn way! Now it's my turn to save his ass. Oops.
Ron: You love me. *Pukes on Hermione*
Hagrid: I'm a huge beardy man with beasts nesting inside. I love beasts too much it gets me into trouble. Better let 'em out Ron. *Hands a bucket and Ron pukes*
Hermione: Draco calls me a mud blood! Waaaaaaaa! How prejudiced! It's not like it's my fault I am not a pure blood!
Hagrid: Ah, pure blooded fools think they are all that. But take a look at me, I'm not pure blood but I don't care. We are as good as them.
Hermione: How sweet of you Hagrid.
*Ron pukes. Everyone looks at him*
Ron: Hey, I wasn't thinking that was sick.
Lockhart: Oh Harry, I don't blame you. Course I kick myself for giving you publicity. Now I tell you, Fame is a fickle friend Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that.
Harry: You make me puke!!
Basilisk: Time to go! Time to put make ups.
Harry: Wha?
Lockhart: Yes? Want something? Goodness gracious, it's been four hours. Lucky you.
Harry: I'm off!!
*In the hall*
Basilisk: Kiss. Time to kiss!
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: AAAAA! Watch it! Listen!
Ron: What?
Harry: It's moving!
*Runs down the corridor and sees the message; Chamber of Karma Sutra has been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware.*
Harry: No, the other message.
*Chamber of secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware.
Draco: Wooooo. Enemies of the heir beware! You'll be next mud bloods! Tee hee!
Harry: Oh my god.
*sees a petrified cat, Mrs. Norris*
Mrs. Norris: Oh, look at me, I'm all petrified. Ain't life a bitch?
Filch: Make way! Mrs. Norris? You murdered my cat!
Harry: No I didn't! I was framed!
Filch: I'll kill you!
Me: Call the child abuse department.
Dumbledore: Filch! You filthy squib! Never attack Harry Potter! She's all petrified. But how I can not say.
Lockhart: I know a very counter curse that could have saved her.
Snape: BULLLLLLLL CRRRRRRAPPPP!!!!
Lockhart: Sadly there were two victims.
Filch and Dumbledore: Two?
Lockhart: Mrs. Norris and Professor McGonagall.
McGonagall: I'm not petrified you retard! This is my normal expression.
Lockhart: And you and Filch look like you been beaten with an ugly stick! And Snape looks like a prune vampire.
*Three offended eyes scowls*
McGonagall: Ok, today, we shall teach you how to turn animals into goblets.
Bird: Oh no. Anything but that!
*McGonagall turns the bird into goblet*
All animals: AAAAA!
Scabbers: Don't do this! I'm not to be humiliated!
Ron: Well you are no fun. So we have to do something with you!
Scabbers: Anything but this!
*Ron turns him into a furry cup with a tail*
Lizard: Aaaa! Animal abuser!
Chimp: Let's rebel!
*All animals attacks*
Hermione: Tell us about the chamber of secrets! It'll calm them down!
*all animals stopped and think, "Well they may leave us alone finally!"*
Scabbers: But what about me?
Sirius: Psst. Shut up Peter. You get a bigger part in the next movie.
McGonagall: there are four people who came to build this place and They named your common rooms after themselves. Godric Gryffindor, the brave and stupidly too courageous. Helga Hufflepuff, a loyal bitch, Rowena Ravenclaw, who is exceptionally bright and is in love with Salazar Slytherin, a sly ugly boy. Slytherin complains and wants purebloods only. But the other three likes any children into school so Slytherin left. Leaving a small present behind. No one knows where the chamber is. It is said to be the home of somewhat only the heir of Slytherin can control. It says to be the home of a monster.
*Dramatic Chord*
Hermione: Ok, who did that?
Draco: Cute red head. *Purrs*
Ron: Uhhh… you aren't a Heir of Slytherin are you?
Draco: Wish I was. It would be nice revenge on my father.
Hermione: Oh dear me, who would want to kill muggle born?
Ron: Draco. You heard him.
Harry: But he told you he wasn't.
Ron: Oh please he would have to be thick to say it!
Hermione: Let's go into the library for the book and try to make a difficult potion.
Harry: stop looking at me Ron.
Ron: What?
Hermione: Here it is. It needs Bicorn Horn and Boomslangs. We can steal them from Snape. We'll just break fifty school rules. Beat the two retards head in and turn into them. But you have one hour.
Harry: That sucks.
Hermione: This is Dangerous. And It takes one month to make.
Harry: A month! Then the Heir will take over thy school and kill off all thee Muggle born! (Gets onto his knees and arms reached out in the sky*
Hermione: But it's the only chance we 'ave. *Hermione does the same*
*Ron shook his head and put his hands on their shoulder*
Ron: We shouldn't be here. What if we all get caught?
Hermione: Get caught? Geez you sound like you were speaking in sexual term. *Laughs* Anyway, no one ever comes in here.
Ron: Why?
Hermione: Moaning Myrtle.
Ron: M-m-m-moaning? God now that is sick!
Myrtle: I suppose you like that! No one ever knows Myrtle! Who would ever remember the poor ugly, miserable, moaning myrtle? *Hiccups and cries. Then wails as she flies into her toilet*
Ron: Huh?
Hermione: She's a little sensitive.
Harry: A little?
*Dah ta da da! A Quidditch match begins and Harry nearly gets his head taken off!*
Draco: All right there scarhead?
Harry: Bugger off.
*bludger flies past Harry and passed Oliver.*
Oliver: Watch it dimwit!
Harry: Get out of the way you dick!
*The bludger breaks the broom and sends Oliver spinning down. Harry dodges it and flies all over the pitch and the bludger breaks through the stands*
Staff: Eee! What if the bludger breaks this stand's support?
Snape: nonsense. It's really sturdy.
*Stands creaks. The stand moves a bit. Everyone tenses up and looks at Snape glowering. Snape looked bewildered*
Draco: Training for ballet potter?
*Snitch flies over Draco's head*
Snitch: Oh, look at me! I can get behind the eye goggling, drooling Harry lover and never get caught. Tee Hee!
*The bludger flies passed the blonde and then Harry goes for the snitch. Draco follows*
*Colin stands in the field*
Bludger: Aaah! Take that boy!
*Colin ducks*
Bludger: Damn.
Hagrid: blimey! Harry's got himself a Rogue bludger!
Ron: I'll save you Harry!
Hermione: No! You'll hit Harry!
Ron: You're just jealous.
Hermione: And besides, your wand is broken.
Ron: Damn.
*The bludger blocks Draco off and Draco want sailing into the air and tumbling painfully and gasps and falls down*
Lucius: Incompetent. Is this how you show what the Malfoy are made of? Disgraced!
*Bludger breaks Harry's arm and Harry caught the snitch and lands*
Snitch: *Sings* The jig is up, the news is out they finally found me!
Lee: He caught the snitch! Gryffindor wins!
Bludger: Die scarhead!
*Hits Harry's right side and missed and missed again and again then Hermione blows it up*
Bludger: Eep!
Ron: I wanna save him. He's mine!
Lockhart: I'll fix your arm. I done this countless times!
Harry: Help! Help me!!
Lockhart: Ok, *Debones Harry*
Harry: Ah shit! Now my arm looks like a flaccid Pe…
Hermione: Innocent ears!
Hagrid: No bones! Now how is he gonna write?
Lockhart: We'll just sent him to the hospital wing.
Ron: You should have thought of that before deboning him you retard!
*Draco moans*
Pomfrey: I am a mean nurse who believes I am best at everything and nothing can fool me. You may go Malfoy. You're fine.
Draco: Damn. Now I can't snog with Harry.
Pomfrey: You should have come to me in the first place. Why did Lockhart have to be so retarded? I can mend bones in seconds! But Regrowing them is a nasty business. Drink this. It's a Skele grow and it burns.
*Harry drinks and spits it out.*
Pomfrey: well if it tastes good everyone would want it. Hmph.
*Harry wakes up and hears the basilisk. Sees Dobby*
Dobby: Me back! Sir, you should have stayed home when you missed the train!
Harry: You nearly got us Expelled!
Dobby: Lest you be home safe!
Harry: There's nothing safe about being with the Dursleys!
Dobby: Better there than here. And I hoped my bludger would have hurt you enough to sent you home. I also have to iron my hands after the train station too.
Harry: You better beat it before my arm grows back or I might strangle you!
Dobby: *Gasps* Please sir, Don't hate me. I Dobby is treated like vermin! Why not pick somebody your own size? I mean, you should go home! Now the History is to repeat itself. *Gasp* I shouldn't have said that! Now that the Chamber is opened again! Damn, not again! Shouldn't have said that!
Hagrid: Hey, that was my old lines! Go get your own! You copycat!
Harry: I'm not leaving. My friend will be the first to go if the chamber is really opened. Tell me Dobby! Now!
*Dobby snaps fingers and disappears*
Dumbledore: Another attack! Finally. Now Colin will leave us alone.
McGonagall: Now what about Lockhart?
Dumbledore: Shh. We'll deal with him later. He seems to want to take a picture of his attacker? He was also carrying grapes. Guess he has a crush on Harry.
Harry: *Grumbles about not gay.*
Dumbledore: This also means Hogwarts is no longer safe. The Chamber of Secrets has been indeed opened, again.
*Dramatic chord*
McGonagall: Now where did that come from?
Lockhart: Welcome all! I started Dueling club to train you up in case you ever need to defend yourself. My assistant professor Snape.
Snape: I'm your Colleague. Not your assistant you jerk.
Lockhart: He has told me he knows a tiny bit about Dueling. Now we shall duel.
*They face off and walked.*
Lockhart: 1...2...3!
Snape: Expelliarmus!
*Lockhart went flying*
Harry: Guess that shows who is a better duelist.
Hermione: Is he all right?
Ron: Who cares?
Me: No one does! Muwahahahahahahaha!
Lockhart: *Shaken* That was truly obvious that is what you're about to do. If I were to stop you, it would be truly too easy.
Snape: Horseshit. Now you should pair people up to duel each other.
Lockhart: An excellent suggestion Professor Snape. How about a volunteer up there? Potter, Weasley. How about you?
Snape: I don't think so. Time to split up a dream team. How about I select someone from my own house? Malfoy, perhaps?
*Motions for Draco to move up and Harry moves onto Draco*
Draco: Scared Potter?
Harry: Yoooou Wish.
Lockhart: Only to disarm please! !…
Draco: *Mutters his spell and sends Harry flying and doing back flips*
Harry: Rictasempra!
*Draco went flying and Snape looks at the poor Dray about to cry*
Draco: I fell on my arse twice! Waaa.
Snape: Get up and duel!
Draco: *Mutters a snake summoning*
*Snake hisses*
Snape: Bloody brats. Don't move Potter. I'll get rid of it for you.
Lockhart: Oh no, I-I-I'll handle this Professor Snape *Mutters a curse*
*The Snake went flying and the head snaps almost three dimensional at the screen. Snake gets pissed*
Snake: Damn that buffoon! Ooo. Why I oughta…
Harry: hiiii eeeaaa hhhuuusseeaaathh! Hhiii Eeaa Huuseeath! *The snake faces Justin and it hisses*
Snake: Hello good looking' wanna go out?
Harry: Hiiii eeaaa huusseeatth
*Snake looks at Harry and Harry shook his head and the class and the professors looked at him in shock*
Ron: You're a parseltongue Harry! Why didn't you tell us?
Harry: I didn't know what it was! I also let the snake loose onto my cousin Dudley.
Boa Constrictor: No, I didn't do anything to that big fat cry baby! I just went to see my mamma!
Ron: I heard you speaking parseltongue. Snake language? Salazar was famous for it.
Harry: How can I speak the language without knowing it?
Ron: You could be his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great *Hermione slaps him in the head* grandson.
Hermione: It was a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be.
Harry: *After getting stares from suspicious Students*
Mysterious voice: Deception. Disgrace. Evil as plain as the scar on his face! Deception, Disgrace! He asked for trouble the moment he came.
Harry: I'll be in the common room.
*Sees Nick petrified and Justin*
Nick: Ooooh. Look at me, I am all petrified! How scary.
Justin: I thought I saw a sn…
*Something kicks Justin*
Silch: Aaah! 'Nother attack. McGonagall!
Harry: No. Mr. Filch. Y-you don't understand!
*sees spiders crawling up the window. McGonagall enters.*
Harry: McGonagall. I swear. I didn't do it.
McGonagall: This is out of my hands Potter. *Gets to the gargoyle* Professor Dumbledore will be waiting for you.
*Harry walks into the office and sees a Sorting hat.*
Hat: hello Potter. You know me. I am full of surprises. You might be wondering if I sent you into a right house. Well you were very difficult. But I stand what I said last year. You would done well in Slytherin.
Harry: You're wrong.
Hat: Oooh. Cheeky brat.
Fawkes: Hello. Goodbyeeeee. *Bursts into flame*
Harry: Professor! I swear Your bird! I couldn't do anything!
Dumbledore: You murdered my bird! How dare you! Naw, I am just kidding Harry. Fawkes is a phoenix. It was his time to die. But he gets reborn from the ashes.
Harry: Whoa. Weird.
Dumbledore: Yeah, I know. And they have healing tears and can carry massive heavy loads. Now I want to ask if there is something you want to tell me…
Hagrid: He didn't! He couldn't! I would stand in front of the ministry if I had too!
Dumbledore: Ah shut up. Harry didn't kill no one. I'm sure he is innocent.
Hagrid: Oh, I guess I will wait out the door.
Harry You don't believe I did this?
Dumbledore: Nah. You're too innocent. Anyhow, Is there anything you want to tell me?
Harry: No. Sorry. Nothing.
Dumbledore: Nothing? Nothing, tra, la la??
Harry: McGonagall brought me here anyway. But as the script follows, I go off to get Crabbe and Goyle.
*as the trio got together, Hermione got the two sleeping draught muffins*
Hermione: Give them to the two boys and bring me their heads. Err… I mean hair.
Harry: *stifles from laughing* Ok, evil stepmother.
*Sees The two boys coming. Harry brings the muffins up and they ate it and then Cuts to the scene where they add the hairs*
Ron: I'm gonna be sick.
Hermione: Me too.
Harry: Hmm… I wonder if they have weak stomachs. Ugh! Now I feel like shit! *Seems hand bubbles* Aaaaaah! I'm mutating! *sees himself as Goyle* Whoa.
Ron/Crabbe: Harry?
Goyle: Ron.
Goyle: wow. That is so shibby. Err… What's wrong with my voice?
Harry: You have to make it sound deeper.
Ron: *deep* Bloody hell.
Harry: Excellent.
Ron: I can sound sexy if you want.
Hermione: Go to the goddamn Slytherin common room!
Harry: Hermione, are you ok?
Hermione: Just go, you're wasting time!
Harry: What's up her ass?
Hermione: I heard that!!!!!
Harry: I think I see a Slytherin go this way.
Percy: Hey!
Ron: What are you… What are you doing here?
Percy: I happen to be a school prefuct. And you have no business running around the corridors these days. Your names?
Draco: Crabbe! Goyle! Where ye been? What's with the Glasses?
Goyle: *Thinking, "Damn."* Oh, for reading.
Draco: Reading? I didn't know you could read. Hang on. Those looks like Harry's.
Goyle: Yeah, I stole it. How you like it?
Draco: Retarded. But how did you steal it?
Goyle: I punched him out.
Draco: Punched him out? A boy who defeated a dark lord gets punched out by a large ugly retard? Yeah right! Nice try making me laugh. So really, why did you use it?
Goyle: I lost my old one so I stole Harry's and thought of making fun of it.
Draco: Soooo stupid. What's with you Crabbe?
Crabbe: Stupid.
Draco: What? What did you call me?
Crabbe: Not you. Goyle.
Draco: You never called him that before. I wonder why.
Crabbe: Uhhh….
Goyle: He just likes the word. Stupid.
Draco: But he said he's insulting you.
Crabbe: Uh… Oh I mean I tell him I learn stupid.
*Draco chuckles but looks at them disbelief.*
Draco: now what Crabbe?
Crabbe: Stomach ache.
Draco: You know, I'm surprised that the daily prophet hadn't inform about the attacks. Dumbledore might be trying to hush it up. Father said he was the worst person that could ever happen into this place.
Goyle: You're wrong!
Draco: *Looking suspicious* What? You think someone you know something I don't? Well do you?
Goyle: Um… Harry Potter might know.
Draco: Good work Goyle. Saint Potter. God he is sooo sexy… I mean… People thinks he's the Slytherins Heir. I wish I knew who it is. I could help them.
Goyle: You must have some idea who's behind this.
Draco: You know I hadn't Goyle. How many times do I have to tell you? *Shakes a present* Is this yours?
*Both boys shook head. Draco looks around and sneaks the package inside*
Draco: I do know one thing. When the chamber was opened, it was fifty years ago. And when it happened, A mud blood died. I think it's about time that it happens again. I hope it's Granger.
*Crabbe gets up and Goyle stops him*
Draco: What's the matter with you two? You been acting very… odd.
Goyle: It's his stomach ache* *To Crabbe* Settle down.
Crabbe: Your scar.
Goyle: It's no time to be fantasizing me.
Crabbe: No I mean your scar is showing.
Goyle: Oh crap. Your hair.
Draco: What the?
Goyle: Crabbe learned to die his hair magically. Gotta go!
Draco: He learned how to use a wand? Hey, where are you going?! Intruders!
Harry: Hermione, come on out, we have loads to tell you!
Hermione: Go away!
Ron: What else is up her ass?
Myrtle: It's dreadful.
Harry: Oh my god.
Hermione: Bulstrode has a cat. I should not assumed it was her hair! Animal transformation is not good for polyjuice potion!
Ron: Look at your tail.
Harry: Oh real smooth.
*Two boys spoke and saw water flooding. They ran to the bathroom*
Ron: Shut off all the water!
Harry: Why the water running anyway?!
*Myrtle moaning and crying*
Myrtle: Come to throw something else at me?
Harry: Why would I throw something at you?
Myrtle: Don't talk to me like that. Here I am minding my own business. And someone thinks it's fun to throw a book at me.
Ron: But it'll go through you. What's the point of crying and flooding the castle?!
Myrtle: Let's all go throw books at Myrtle because she can't feel it! Ten points if you get it through her stomach! Fifty points if you get it through her head!
Harry: What throw what at you?
Myrtle: The book is over there. I gotta go and cry and moan some more.
*Harry picks up a book.*
*Harry is back at the Common room, inspecting the book and writes in it*
Harry: My name is Harry Potter.
Tom: Hello Harry. I am Tom Riddle. I'm not really Voldielocks I mean Voldemort.
Harry: Do you know anything about the chamber of secrets?
Tom: Yes.
Harry: Can you tell me?
Tom: No. But I can show you. Let me take you fifty years into the past.
*Harry see Tom staring at the people bringing the covered body which is Myrtle. Then Dumbledore asked for Riddle to come up.*
Dumbledore: What are you doing out here this time of night? You ought to be in your dorm and not causing trouble. I have my eye on you. Got something to say?
Tom: No sir.
Dumbledore: you being discreet. I sense much evil in you.
Tom: Sure yoda.
*Tom walks over to where Hagrid was*
Tom: What's up Hagrid?
Hagrid: What are you doing here?
Tom: It's all over. They are closing the school.
Hagrid: You just don't like the orphanage. You cry baby. Besides, Aragog never kills no one.
Tom: come on, The thing Hogwarts can do was slaughter the monster who killed the girl. Now stand aside.
Hagrid: No!
*Tom mutters a spell and the tiny spider crawls away*
Harry: HAAAAAGRIIIIID!
*Comes out of the book*
Hermione: So Hagrid was expelled for opening the chamber of secrets? Should we ask?
Ron: Uh, sure, that will be a nice visit. "Hello Hagrid, tell us, have you been setting anything mad, and hairy lately?"
Hagrid: Mad and Hairy? How dare you insult me! I will crush your bones to make me bread!
Harry: We weren't talking about you.
Hagrid: Oh, then you three shall watch out for yourselves. *Walks away and Newville ran*
Neville: Harry, I don't know who did it but someone was in your room and it was… Well come see!
*Sees a room destroyed*
Harry: Who would have done this?
Ron: Got to be a Gryffindor. No one else knows our password.
Harry: tom's diary. It's gone.
*Dramatic chord*
Hermione: What was that again?
Oliver: ok, let's try this again, if that bludger tries to take on Harry, we shall beat it in the whatever. Hello McGonagall.
McGonagall: The Quidditch match is being cancelled.
Oliver: What? Noooo! That sucks! You can't cancel Quidditch!
McGonagall: I can if I want to. Harry, come with me. Hermione is petrified. I bet you know this?
Harry: No.
Ron: No.
McGonagall: Rules now are All students must stay in their Dormitories. All students must go to class assisted by a teacher. All students must shut the hell up because I can hear your whining and complaints!
Harry: Looks like I have to get my dad's cloak.
Ron: Quick, to the potter mobile!
Hagrid: *Hears a door knock. Grabs a crossbow* Who is there?
Harry: It's just us. Are you gonna kill us?
Hagrid: Oh. Nah. I'm just defending myself from a stupid attacker. I heard about Hermione yes. Anyway, I tell you what I know about the Chamber of secrets. *Door knocks* Quick, Hide. Oh, Hello Fudge. Dumbledore Sir.
Harry: *Whispers* Fudge? What woman would name their kid fudge?
Ron: That's his last name. He's Cornelius. And he's my dad's boss.
Harry: What your dad works with a Christmas ornament?
Fudge: Very bad business, Hagrid. Very bad business. You have to come per see, Charges are on your arse and you better head onto Azkaban.
Hagrid: No. Not… Azkaban!
*Dramatic chord*
Harry: Ok, this is not funny.
Dumbledore: He has my full trust. I need to control him in order to have him do what ever I say. Or he would just crush your bones to make his bread.
Lucius: Hello everybody. I have arrived.
Hagrid: What are you doing here? Get out of my house!
Lucius: Oh please. I have no interest in being in your ugly house. House you call it eh? I was informed Dumbledore was hiding here.
Dumbledore: I wasn't hiding here you dolt. I came to restraint Hagrid.
Lucius: All twelve members signed your suspension form and you will need to leave.
Hagrid: You blackmailed them! You threatened them! How dare ye?
Lucius: Stuff it. How many more muggle borns are gonna die this week? Sad. Time to go.
Dumbledore: I would be too glad to leave the school but only if those were not loyal to me. But you will find any help that can be given to those who asked for it.
*Dumbledore looks at Harry*
Harry: Shit. He can see us!
Hagrid: And if anyone want information. Follow the spiders. And watch out. They are evil.
Harry: Dumbledore gone, there will be an attack a day.
Ron: I'm afraid of spiders. Why spiders? Why can't it be follow the butterflies?
Harry: Then it would be like saying "follow the yellow brick road" ugh. I hate Oz.
Ron: Can we go back now?
Harry: No. Come on. *They venture further.*
Harry: Ron, don't panic.
Aragog: Hagrid. Is that you?
Harry: No. We're a friend of Hagrid. We came because he needs your help. Some said he let the monster out long ago. It killed someone and it must of come back.
Aragog: It was I he released. But I never hurt anyone. I never gone back.
Harry: So you're not the guardian?
Aragog: No! The spiders fears it! We run away because it was scary! Oooh! We do not speak of it! It roams the castle, killing muggle borns and we fear it because we are it's mortal enemy.
Ron: *squeaky* Harry.
Harry: *annoyed* What?
*Ron whimpers as he points up. The spiders come down and they surround the boys*
Harry: Are any of your kids radioactive?
Aragog: No. None here will turn you into Spiderman you idiots. Now I can not let you go. My children are starving. Now I must feed them. You!
Harry: Aaah! They're gonna eat us!
Ron: Now who's being obvious?
*The car comes crashing in*
Car: *In mighty mouse's voice* Here I come to save the day!
Harry: It's nighttime.
Car: *In Louis Anderson voice* Who cares. I came to save your arse. Get in here now!
*They got away and then head to the Hut*
Ron: Follow the spiders. Just follow the spiders. If Hagrid comes out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!
Harry: But he's innocent.
Ron: Sending us straight to the spiders is not my idea of innocent.
Harry: He never opened the chamber of secrets.
*In the hospital wing*
Harry: We need you Hermione. More than ever.
Ron: Why did this have to be us?
Harry: A paper. It's the basilisk. He been roaming around the pipes and killing muggles. Nick got a blast of it, Justin saw it through Nick, Mrs. Norris saw it's reflection on the water, and Hermione saw it through the mirror. And spiders flee before it.
Ron: It makes sense!
Harry: Time to be a hero again.
McGonagall: All students get back in your dorms immediately! All staffs get their arse back over to the corridor where Mrs. Norris is murdered!
McGonagall: The monster took the girl into the chamber. Now we are doom! Time to close it all up!
Lockhart: So sorry. Dozed off. What did I miss?
Snape: Everything! The girl is taken away and now it's up to you to save her!
McGonagall: Want a reign? You got it. Go to hell!
Lockhart: Oh. Ok. Very well. I better go pack up and scram.
Pomfrey: Who was taken?
McGonagall: Ginny Weasley.
*dramatic chord*
McGonagall: I really hate that!
Harry: We got to get Lockhart! Lockhart, we got to tell you something! Going somewhere?
Lockhart: Yes, urgent news. Unavoidable.
Ron: What about my sister?
Lockhart: No one gives a shit about her.
Ron: You're the defense against the dark arts teacher! You can't go now!
Lockhart: When I took this job, it was not in job description!
Harry: But by running away? After all the things you done in the books? You wrote them!
Lockhart: I didn't do any of it. I'm a fraud! I freaking stole the ideas and erased their memories. It was my talent. I stole credits and use memory charms. Now, I must do the same to you.
Harry: *Points a wand* Don't.. Even… Think about it. *Motions his wand to say drop your wand.*
*They got to the bathroom*
Myrtle: What do you want?
Harry: To… Ask… You… How… You… Died.
Myrtle: Do I look like a moron? I can understand fast speech. And I understand English stupid! I died in this very stall. I want to tell this jerk to fuck off but then I died.
Harry: How?
Myrtle: seeing a two great yellow eyes right over there. *Pointing to the sinks*
Ron: Say something in Parseltongue.
Harry: *Mutters the snake language*
Lockhart: ahh… Very good Harry. Well done. Well I better scram! *But the boys held him back and threw him into the hole*
Harry: Serves that fucker right.
Myrtle: Oh Harry… If you died down there. You can share my toilet.
Harry: Thanks Myrtle. *Looks disgusted*
*Slides into the chamber and Ron points the wand at Lockhart*
Ron: Don't even think about it. Move on.
Harry: bones, Snake skins, and bloody hell, snake shit too!
Ron: *Sees Lockhart faint* What a weak minded.
*Lockhart grabs the wand*
Lockhart: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now prepare to die! I shall erase your memories! Buh bye! Obliviate! *Flies off and gets memory erased*
Lockhart: Hello. Who are you?
Ron: I'm Ron Weasley.
Lockhart: Really? And ummm… Who am I?
Ron: Lockhart's memory charm's backfired! He hasn't got a fucking clue who the hell he is!
Lockhart: Interesting place. You live here?
Ron: No. *Smacks Lockhart with the rock*
Me: Yay! Go Ron, go Ron, go Ron!
Ron: What do we do now?
Harry: You stay here, and I get Ginny.
*Enters the chamber and finds Ginny*
Harry: Are you dead? Please be dead.
Tom: Oh she's not dead. Just alive. Only just.
Harry: Ok, I better take her out of here. The basilisk will come.
Tom: It won't come until it's called.
Harry: Give me my wand!
Tom: No. I like it. It's so nice.
Harry: Sicko!
Tom: Yeah, sure. You saw my brain scheme capture of that big oaf.
Harry: Hagrid's my friend! And you… *sobs* Framed him!
Tom: It was my word against Hagrid. Although Dumbledore suspects me all along after he was expelled.
Harry: Bet he saw right through you.
Tom: He kept an annoying close watch on me. That big old bastard. Anyway I want to say Ginny opened the chamber. Written in my diary, killed the muggle borns, written threatening letters in the wall, and is about to be gone. I am taking her soul. I will be very real. Now tell me, how can a tiny scrawny boy like you survive the dark lord?
Harry: Who cares. Voldemort was after your time.
Tom: Kid, Voldilocks… I mean Voldemort is my past, present, and future! Tom Marvolo Riddle, I am Lord Voldemort!
Harry; Oh shit!
Tom: You think, I was gonna keep my filthy muggle father's name? No. I choose a name, a name I know everyone will one day fear to speak. Before I even became a greatest sorcerer in the world.
Harry: Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer in the world.
Tom: Dumbledore is gone. Ran from a mere memory of me.
Harry: He'll never be gone. Not as those who are loyal to him.
*Fawkes comes*
Fawkes: Here I come to aid Harry Potter. Make way. Phoenix coming through!
Tom: So this is what Dumbledore gives to this pitiful boy. A song bird and a old hat.
Fawkes and sorting hat: Hey! We resent that! Never judge the book by it's cover!
*Tom ignores and speaks in parseltongue. The mouth of Salazar Slytherin opens and the snake appears*
Tom: Let's match the power of Lord Voldilocks… I mean Voldemort Heir of Helga Hufflepuff… I mean Salazar Slytherin against the famous scrawny boy Harry Potter. No one can save you now Potter!
Fawkes: dum da da! *Attacks the basilisk*
Basilisk: Ow! My eye! Cut it out you bastard! Ow!
Fawkes: Now take him down!
Harry: Let him not get me!
Tom: He can still hear you Potter.
*Harry escapes the basilisk and gets back to Ginny*
Harry: Yes Potter. I am feeling much alive!
*The snake bursts out of the water. Screaming and then the sword appeared from the hat*
Hat: Harry, here's a sword.
Harry: *Takes the sword and runs on top of Salazar's head*
Salazar: Oh man, Now this is ridicules. Boy on my head and the snake attacks over my face.
Basilisk: Come here!
*The sword pierces through the roof of the mouth into the brain*
Basilisk: AAAAAAAA! I'm dying! Oh what to do now! Waaaaaa! I'm gonna diieeeeeeeeeeeee! *Falls down*
*Harry walks over with a fang in left hand.*
Tom: Funny. A thing a little silly book can do, in a hands of a silly little slut. The poison is inside you now Potter. You got one minute to live. *Harry takes the book and fang hovers above it* What are you doing? No! Stop! No! My book! *Harry stabs it!* My body! My face! Noooo! I'm dying! Noooooooooooo!
Ginny: Oh Harry! You save me!
Harry: Damn. Go away Ginny.
Ginny: But your arm!
Fawkes: I'll heal you.
Harry: You're fantastic Fawkes. I wasn't fast enough.
Fawkes: Are you sick or something? Aw hell with it. I'll heal you anyway.
*later*
Lockhart: Amazing! It's just like magic!
Ron: Why didn't I kill him?
Harry: Then we will get expelled for killing a teacher.
Lockhart: I'm a teacher? Gracious I thought I was hopeless.
Dumbledore: Broke hundreds of rules, killed a basilisk, discovered the chamber of secrets, saved the girl, erased Hagrid's name, and got Malfoy fired as a school governor. You're a hero!
Fawkes: WHAT? I gave him the hat who gave him the sword, I blinded the basilisk, I healed the wound, I Brought them out of the chamber and the stupid kid is a hero?
Car: Well I just saved them from the spiders.
Fawkes: I did more than what you did jerk!
Hat: psssh. Puh leaze. No one cares about us. All this is about him. Always him! WHY HIM!?
Fawkes: stupid bugger gets all the glory and we never get an attention. Life sucks!
Dumbledore: Ron, take this letter. We need our Gate keeper back. And as for you Harry… You told me you had nothing to say. You lied.
Harry: I was afraid of what you might do. I'm a parseltongue.
Dumbledore: You're a parseltongue because the stupid Voldemort is a parseltongue. Gave you bit of his powers unintentionally.
Harry: The hat said I would done well in Slytherin. But I choose to be in Gryffindor.
Dumbledore: Well, It's our choice. And if you want to know you belong in Gryffindor, take a look at this.
*The name on the sword Harry took from Dumbledore said, "Godric Gryffindor"*
Dumbledore: Only a true Gryffindor would pull that out of a hat.
Lucius: You back? How dare you!
Dumbledore: Hagrid was right. You threatened and blackmailed the members. Well, it sucks to be you. And the culprit is caught.
Malfoy: Really? Who?
Dumbledore: Voldilocks.
Malfoy: No, I suspect you meant Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Well it's a name we give him so that it pisses him off. And I must tell you not to give anymore Voldemort's old school stuff away.
Fawkes: Since when did he ever kept Voldemort's school supplies?
Car: Beats me.
Hat: Tom must have left it behind and Lucius knew what it is and took it. I think. I can be far wrong.
Lucius: Let's just hope that Mr. Potter will always be around… To save the day.
Hat: Hey we saved the day! Not him!
Car: Give it a rest. I saved their lives from a spider, You gave Harry a sword, And Fawkes gauged the Basilisk and healed the wound and took them out of that ruddy chamber. What did Harry do? Searches for clues that are quite crystal clear under his nose. Course, he's just twelve. Not 20. Yet he gets the glory because this is all about him.
Hat: Daniel plays a twelve year old boy but is close to being fourteen.
Fawkes: And they say he's too old
Hat: Old? Look at the woman playing Myrtle!! Nearly 40!!! People are retarded.
Harry: Don't worry… I will be.
Fawkes: Will be what?
Hat: Will save the freaking day of course! Where you been?
Fawkes: Ah shut up. You're just mad because I did more stuff than you guys did.
Car: Don't make me beat the stuffing out of you!
Hat: I got more surprises under my hat so better what it bub!
Harry: Mr. Malfoy! Mr. Malfoy! Here's your diary.
Mr. Malfoy: I don't use Diaries. That is gross. Malfoys don't need diaries.
Harry: Gee, that's too bad, your pal Voldilocks used this Diary himself. So what's the big deal? You gave the diary to Ginny too.
Mr. Malfoy: *Thrusts the book to dobby* Why don't you proof it? *Sneers and walks away* Come Dobby.
Dobby: Dobby has a sock! Master gave Dobby a sock! Dobby freeeeeeee!
Mr. Malfoy: YOU LOST ME MY SERVANT!
Harry: Geez, don't get a cold head.
Dobby: You will not harm Harry Potter.
*Mr. Malfoy begins his curse and Dobby knocks him away*
Mr. Malfoy: Your parents are meddlesome fools! You will meet their sticky end. *Leaves*
Dobby: Harry Potter gave Dobby a sock. Harry freed Dobby! How can Dobby ever repay him?
Harry: Just one favor.
Dobby: Anything.
Harry: Talk like that and you will be put on "The most annoying computer generated creature" like Jar Jar binks. And don't save my life. Ever.
Dumbledore: Another year gone with great events it was! Now Gryffindors win the house cup and the petrified kids were cured except for Colin because he is annoying as Dobby. And now Hagrid Is coming back.
Neville: Hey, It's Hermione!
*The two boys looked at her and then she runs up and hugs Harry. But doesn't hug Ron. But shakes hands*
Seamus: Hmm… Pretty obvious. You're still young.
Ron: Shut up! *To Hermione* Welcome back.
Hermione: You solved it. I can't believed you actually solved it.
Harry: Well… I guess you can say that.
Hagrid: I'm back! Them morons started babbling about mistaking me for being the attacker. Well, here I am. I would never forget what you done for me Harry. Ron… Well… Especially Hermione of course.
Harry: It isn't Hogwarts without you.
Fawkes: Wait, what did Hagrid ever do for them?
Trevor: Well duh! Told about the stone last year by accident, brought Harry to Privet drive, then to Hogwarts.
Hat: He gave Dumbledore Fluffy to guard the stone. He also knew about the chambers and knew Aragog knows something. He wants Harry and Ron to know what he knows. He does a lot more than you all think. So it's never Hogwarts without him.
Fawkes: No count buggers.
Car: I wonder if I will show up again? Will I do something heroic?
Fawkes: Yeah, sure! You might!
*Somehow Ron and Harry were in the car for the fourth time. Just flying around in the dark sky.*
Ron: Aaah. Nice out here. Basilisk dead, Ginny safe and sound, Hermione is ok, Colin is gone, Dobby bothers you no more, and you know what else is great? Lockhart is dead.
Harry: I thought he was sent to Mungo's hospital?
Ron: Oh he was but then mysteriously died.
Harry: Well then that is good. The air smells nice out there.
Ron: Mmm Hmm.
Harry: Ron, is that your hand on my ass again?
Ron: No. Was yours on mine?
Harry: No. Uh… *Both looks back and screams*
Both: MALFOY!
Draco: Hiya boys. Taking a ride on the wild side eh? *Purrs*
Author: Ever wonder how Draco got there? Why animals and inanimate objects talked? That few familiar song comes from somewhere, and the dramatic Chord also coming from somewhere?
Simple. Just the author putting in the high sugar caffeine rush comedy. Although who knows how great it can be. If you want to flame me go ahead. I would just count that as a review given for me because you simply waste time reviewing stories you hate. I think you don't hate stories you hate. Wanna know why? Because you review them and complain too much about the story. A person who really hates it, would never bother it. But if you are this retarded, You hate a story because you think it's not good, but you still like to review it. You still talk about it. Meaning you don't really disliked it. You just confusing yourself. So get over it.
Chris: This is my newly attempt to make fun of JK's book "Chamber of secrets."
Harry: Hi. I am Harry. Today is my birthday and no body gives a damn. How would you feel if no one cares about you and locks you up in the room all because you're a freak?
Hedwig: *Screech* I'm just a birdie! I am not important in this story. All I ever did was sent mails to Harry and back. Imagine how it feels to be a post owl. *Screech* By the way Harry, can i gauge your uncle's eyes out because he's an asshole!
Vernon: I'm Uncle Vernon. And I work at the Grunnings. Boring company as I am and I am viciously evil. People never likes me. I always abuse my nephew and spoiled my son Dudley. He's a fat pig size of a killer whale. We had to use trucks to carry him with us. And my wife who is a whore and a bitch. She too spoils our son and treats Harry like a dung.
Dudley: I'll be waiting to open the door for the Masons.
Petunia: I'll be welcoming them into our home.
Harry: That's so funny because that sounds like you try to be something you are definitely not! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'll be in my room pretending i don't exist. Just so you can be "happy". ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Dobby: me sir, Dobby the house elf! I got a message for 'Arry Potter sir! Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts of witchcraft and wizardry school this year! Plots! Terrible plots! Oh lordy! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! No wizard treats me nice. Bad Dobby! Anyway, You stay here Sir Potter. And while I make sure, I will put this cake on the Masons and the Dursleys might put bars on your window!
Mr. Mason: I got the gist that something is up. Those three idiots they called themselves Dursleys grinned too much, the fat boy opened the door and asked to take our jackets. Too unusual for a twelve year old boy. And Petunia stares at me too much. Mr. Dursley talks too much about boring stuff. When is dinner?
Mrs. Mason: Aaaaa! A cake on my head. Oh why does this have to happen? Odd things happened around here. Oh let's get out of this weird place.
Vernon: Blast you boy! You shall never see your freaky friends of yours again! Never!
Harry: Oh woe is me!
Ron: Here I come to save the damsel in distress!
Harry: Do I look like a female!?
Ron: No, but I am your knight in shining Armour. Ever wonder why I want to be a knight in that chess board last year? Ever notice that Fred is my steed and George is my forgettable sidekick?
Fred and George: HEY!
Ron: Quiet you. Get your trunk Harry. You better stand back. Drive. (Rope yanks the bars off the window and Harry get everything he needs*
Vernon: Petunia! He is escaping!
Ron: Aaaaaah!
Harry: Let go of me!
Ron: I'll save you Harry!
Vernon: you're not going anywhere!
Harry: Get off!
*Vernon falls out the window)
Me: Aaaawww! That didn't break his neck? Bugger.
Ron: By the way Harry, Happy birthday.
Harry: I'm not gay.
Ron: I never said I was.
Molly Weasley: I'm a frantic worrywart mother! I punish only Ron because he always did things wrong! No note! Beds empty! Car gone! You could have died! You could have been seen!
Ron: I saved him from starvation mum. They put bars on his windows!
Molly: You best hope I don't put bars on your window Ronald Weasley.
Me: Call the security! Bring in the straight jacket! Not for me! For that crazy woman!
Ginny: I'm Ginny. I love Harry Potter. I adore him to death.
Ron: Want me to get rid of her for you?
Harry: No. It's fine.
Ron: Aw.
Mr. Weasley: I'm a spoiled father! I don't care what happens to my kids as long as there is still seven numbers around. No wait. Charlie! Bill!
Weasley: Bill is in Egypt! Charlie is in Romania you idiot! Not dead. And besides, Your kids drove that enchanted car of yours to Surrey and back last night.
Mr. Weasley: Did you really? So how did it go? (Weasley mother hits him) I mean that is very wrong boys. Very wrong indeed.
Ron: Yeah you tell us that.
Mr. Weasley: And who are you?
Harry: Sorry sir. Harry Potter sir. I mean. I am Harry Potter. Now I am sounding like dobby.
Mr. Weasley: Really? Eeeee! OH ME GAWD! HARRY POTTER IN MY HOUSE!! Errr… I mean… Are you really? Ron told me all about you.
Harry: He didn't tell you I'm gay did he?
Mr. Weasley: Aren't you?
Harry: No.
Mr. Weasley: Aww. Ok. You know much about Muggles. What is a function of a rubber duck?
Errol: Message! *Hits into the window.* (A la "don't be a menace in the central while drinking juice in the hood")
Percy: I'm a PREfuct. I mean Prefect. And I am strict with rules. Flying a car here is quite wrong. Anyway, Message from Dumbasdoor. I mean Dumbledore, He knows you're here Harry.
Mr. Weasley: Does he really? EEEE! I mean, doesn't miss a trick that man.
George: But these don't come cheap! *Sobs*
Molly: Oh dear. Now we will not eat for a month.
All: NO!!!!
Molly: Kidding. There is one place to find them. Diagon Alley.
Harry: Thank you captain obvious! I now know where Ron gets 'em.
Molly: We're gonna go through Floo powder. Go on Harry.
Harry: Are you sending me straight to hell?!
Molly: No. We're just going to Diagon Alley.
Ron: But Harry never traveled through Floo Powder before mum.
Harry: Flu?
Ron: No Floo. No 'U', two O's. Floo.
Harry: Floo. Flu… Floo.
Mrs. Weasley: Why don't you show Harry how it's done.
Ron: Watch me Harry. Diagon alley!
*Green flames bursts and Harry was shaken up*
Harry: D-dia-gon All-ay
*Harry comes out in Knockturn alley. And plays with gadgets*
Hand: Muwahahahahahaha! I scared you didn't I boy? Read the note! Don't touch!
Woman: Want to come to my place Dearie?
Harry: AAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!! *Runs into Hagrid*
Hagrid: Watch out for them. Avada Kedavra! *Kills all the people in knockturn!*
Harry: But won't you be arrested?
Hagrid: They won't know.
Me: Good ol' Hagrid!
Hermione: Harry! I'm a bookworm and I am bit snobby, slutty, I mean I stick with the rules. Although we'll be breaking hundreds of school rules anyway. So there. (A/N: I don't think she's at all a slut. So don't flame me! It is a joke!) What did you do to your glasses? Ocilis Reparo. Come on, got to see Lockhart.
Harry: Oh no. Not that freak.
Molly: EEEEE! LOCKHART! OH ME GAWD! This is why We don't go get Harry. We want Lockhart!
Ron: No I don't. Mum fancies him.
Molly: I don't want to admit it but yes.
Ginny: I love Harry!
Harry: *Is freaked out*
Ron: Want me to…
Harry: NO!
Lockhart: couldn't be Harry Potter!
*Photographer grabs him and then Harry gets hurt and tangled and he is frightened.*
Hagrid: Somebody call the freaking child abuse department!
Ron: I'll save you!
Harry: NO!
Draco: I'm a poor abused child in a rich family where they spoiled me and treat me rotten. I act like my father to gain his love but he never does notice it. Bet you love that didn't you Potter? Famous Harry Potter. Can't get into a book shop without making the front page! Which I found arousing.
Harry: God, I am not gay!
Draco: I never said I was.
Ginny: Harry loves me.
Harry: Ummm….. God, are you there? HELP ME!!!
Lucius: There, Draco, play nicely. Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy. Forgive me…
Harry: Get away from me you perv!!
Lucius: Fine. But your scar is legend. And of course, so was the one who gave it to you.
Harry: Oh you mean Voldilocks? Well he was nothing more than a big cry baby and a murderer. He was just jealous because he has no parents.
Mr. Weasley: Children, it's mad in here. We must get out of here. Your mum is nuts.
Mr. Malfoy: Mr. Weasley. The company you keep, i though the Weasleys would sink no lower. How disgrace to the name of wizardry.
Mr. Weasley: We have a very good deal about name of wizard Mr. Malfoy.
Mr. Malfoy: My god. You people are so… disgusting. See you at work.
Draco: See you at school. *Raises eye brows at Ron and Harry*
Harry: I'm.. not.. Gay!
*Ron and Harry crashes into the wall.*
Hedwig: aaaah! What in the name of Allah are you doing? Trying to kill me?
Scabbers: *Snores*
Harry: Ah crap! We can't get through the wall.
Ron: Let's go steal the car and get noticed by muggles and get nearly expelled.
Harry: Ok!
Harry: Won't muggles notice a flying car?
Ron: Oh, right. *Turns on invisibility booster*
Car: Weeee! I'm invisible!
*Car is visible this time*
Car: aaah! I can be seen!
Ron: Oh no, the invisibility boost must be faulted.
Harry: We have to go lower. We have to find the train.
*As they fly down, Ron farted*
Harry: Uigh!
Hedwig: Don't tell me you ate the burrito before we left!
Ron: Now we have to find the train. It can't be far behind
*Train whistles*
Harry: Did you hear that?
Ron: we must be getting close. But where is it?
Hedwig: *Turns to see a train* Eeeeek! Get off the fucking tracks you morons!
Harry and Ron: Aaaaaaaaa! *Car spins around under the bridge and then Harry slids out of the car*
Car: Why didn't you wear a freaking seatbelt Harry?!?!
Ron: Harry! Hold on!
Harry: Thank you mister Obvious!!
Ron: Take my hand!
*Harry grabs his hand but slips*
Ron: Hold on!
Harry: I'm trying! Your hands are all sweaty and sticky!
Car: Eeeeeewwww! Bad hentai image!
Ron: Uuuhhh…
Harry: Now we found the train.
Ron: Yeah.
Car: *In louis Anderson voice* I hope we learned a valuable lesson. Wear a freaking seat belt. It does have a purpose you twits!
*We see the Hogwarts castle*
Ron: Welcome home.
Harry: … I thought i told you… *Car starts to sputter and die*
*Ron tries to stop the car with the wand and It snapped in half*
Ron: My wand. Look at my wand!
Harry: Lest it's not your neck that's broken. *Something hit's the car*
Ron: *In very high pitch voice* What's happening?
Willow: You hit me! I hate you! This is the second time a car hits me! I will not take it! Die!
Car: Ok, that sucks. Now get out boys! Take your stinking luggage, your stupid birdie!
Hedwig: Aaaaa! Stupid car!
Scabbers: *Snores* Eeeh what? *Snores*
Ron: Scabbers, you're ok!
Scabbers: Well I should be or the third movie would be messed up if I were dead.
Car: I'm out of here. Those no count brats. Thinking this was a great time to fly cars into whomping willows and get run over by trains. How dare they! I'm pissed off! I need a lawyer!
Ron: Ok, let's go meet Filch.
Filch: Oh dear. I am a ugly grumpy mangy old goat! You shall be expelled! What a jolly holiday it's gonna be!
Ron: It's September.
Filch: Don't mouth at me!!
Snape: Muggles seen you flying a car! What idiocy is this? I shall expel you now!
Dumbledore: You will not. I am a old man and am very mysterious. McGonagall you give the punishments.
Snape: But the boys did a terrible damage on the whomping willow that been here since before they were born.
McGonagall: Snape, you shut the hell up and go play with your little snake friends. Besides, no body cares about the whomping willow!
Willow: Why I oughta…
Ron: We're not expelled!
McGonagall: No you're not. I'm not letting Snape enjoy watching you two get expelled. It disgusts me.
Snape: Damn you woman.
Ron: *Taping his wand* Wonderful. A broken wand, angry parents, nearly expelled but detention, the car hates us, Scabbers is stupid, Hedwig hates us, and now what is worse?
Harry: You're doomed.
*A camera snaps and Harry startles*
Colin: Hi Harry. I'm a weird, poisoned mind obsessed, ill, creepy stalking Colin Creevey. I'm in Gryffindor too. I heard that you are gay.
Harry: No I am not! Get away from me!!
Dean: Hey Ron, is that your owl?
Me: His famous last words.
Howler: RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THE CAR! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER IS OUT THERE FACING INQUIRY AT WORK! SO I THINK I WILL HAVE TO BE PUTTING BARS ON YOUR WINDOW NOW! Oh Ginny. Congratulations on making the Gryffindor.
Ginny: Great Mum. Go yell at Ron and then speak to me. Couldn't things get worse?
Harry: You're doooooooomed.
.
Sprout: I'm a fat humble plump woman who is to teach you how to repot mandrakes. Now who ought to tell me the property of the mandrake roots.
Hermione: Mandrake, or mandagora, is used for returning people beck to normal form when cursed or petrified. And I don't know what is next. Oh yes. Quite dangerous, the Mandrake's cry is arousing… no! I mean fatal to blondes… I mean people who eats them… no hear them.
Sprout: Ummm. I don't know what to say… 10 points to Gryffindor because I don't care. Mandrakes are only babies so their cries won't kill you yet.
Me: Thank goodness.
Sprout: But they can knock you out in several hours so I got you these pair of earmuffs!
Harry: Ugh. These muffs are ugly.
Hermione: Put them on. I found them quite sexy. I mean… shutting up.
Sprout: You grasp the mandrake firmly and you pull them sharply out of the ground.
(Mandrake screams*
Mandrake: OW! Stupid woman! That hurts! You need to read the books! Don't yank the mandrakes! That is why we cry!
*Neville fainted*
Seamus: Nooooo! My love fainted!
Harry: Why are these hypocrites driving me crazy!
*Draco tickles the mandrake and it bites*
Draco: YEOW! I was being nice you brat! No wonder my daddy hates me.
Lockhart: Welcome! I am Lockhart, a stupid, egoistic, moron who stole all the credits from people and am a creep. Ok, I will lease the pixies. I don't know what to do with them.
Seamus: Cornish pixies?
Lockhart: Freshly caught Cornish Pixies.
*Everyone laughed and Lockhart looked offended*
Lockhart: Laugh if you want. But the pixies can be tricky devilish little blighters. Let's see what you make of them
*Pixies fly off and Neville hung onto the candelier, and Lockhart casts a nonworking spell and the pixie took it away and He runs away*
Ron: What do we do now?
Harry: Simple, Hermione will put a charm on them and Neville will say…
Neville: Why is it always me?
Harry: We didn't see much happen to you. Just in the books.
Neville: Life sucks.
Ron: DUH!
Oliver: Ok, let's get shaken there. Let's go fly the brooms and did what we did… when was the last time we practiced? Oh yeah… What cha doin' Flint?
Flint: Beautiful morning. Birds chirping in the sky, Weather smells nice, birds singing. I'm getting my braces in few weeks.
Oliver: God… You… Need… Serious… Help… Immediately!
Flint: Nah, kidding. We got a special signed permission from the sour prune Snape with permission to train a new seeker.
Oliver: got a new seeker? Who?
*Draco shows*
Harry: Malfoy! You decided to follow me as a seeker! You got to be kidding!
Draco: That's right. Now it is a perfect time for me to watch your sweet ass.
Harry: I'm… Not… GAY!!!
Ron: No fair! WAAA! You guys get the nimbus 2001! All they got is cleansweep 7 and nimbus 2000!
Draco: Yeah and my father can afford the best!
Hermione: Spoilt brat. Didn't you know your father only did this to shut you up? And none of the Gryffindor team have to buy their way in. They got in through pure talent.
Draco: No one asks opinions of a mud blood!
Ron: You'll pay for that one! Eat slugs!
*Wand backfires and Ron starts to feel badly sick*
Hermione: Ron are you alright? Say something!
*Ron vomits all over Hermione.*
Hermione: UGH!
Colin: Wow. Can you turn him around Harry?
Harry: NO! Get out of the damn way! Now it's my turn to save his ass. Oops.
Ron: You love me. *Pukes on Hermione*
Hagrid: I'm a huge beardy man with beasts nesting inside. I love beasts too much it gets me into trouble. Better let 'em out Ron. *Hands a bucket and Ron pukes*
Hermione: Draco calls me a mud blood! Waaaaaaaa! How prejudiced! It's not like it's my fault I am not a pure blood!
Hagrid: Ah, pure blooded fools think they are all that. But take a look at me, I'm not pure blood but I don't care. We are as good as them.
Hermione: How sweet of you Hagrid.
*Ron pukes. Everyone looks at him*
Ron: Hey, I wasn't thinking that was sick.
Lockhart: Oh Harry, I don't blame you. Course I kick myself for giving you publicity. Now I tell you, Fame is a fickle friend Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that.
Harry: You make me puke!!
Basilisk: Time to go! Time to put make ups.
Harry: Wha?
Lockhart: Yes? Want something? Goodness gracious, it's been four hours. Lucky you.
Harry: I'm off!!
*In the hall*
Basilisk: Kiss. Time to kiss!
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: AAAAA! Watch it! Listen!
Ron: What?
Harry: It's moving!
*Runs down the corridor and sees the message; Chamber of Karma Sutra has been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware.*
Harry: No, the other message.
*Chamber of secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware.
Draco: Wooooo. Enemies of the heir beware! You'll be next mud bloods! Tee hee!
Harry: Oh my god.
*sees a petrified cat, Mrs. Norris*
Mrs. Norris: Oh, look at me, I'm all petrified. Ain't life a bitch?
Filch: Make way! Mrs. Norris? You murdered my cat!
Harry: No I didn't! I was framed!
Filch: I'll kill you!
Me: Call the child abuse department.
Dumbledore: Filch! You filthy squib! Never attack Harry Potter! She's all petrified. But how I can not say.
Lockhart: I know a very counter curse that could have saved her.
Snape: BULLLLLLLL CRRRRRRAPPPP!!!!
Lockhart: Sadly there were two victims.
Filch and Dumbledore: Two?
Lockhart: Mrs. Norris and Professor McGonagall.
McGonagall: I'm not petrified you retard! This is my normal expression.
Lockhart: And you and Filch look like you been beaten with an ugly stick! And Snape looks like a prune vampire.
*Three offended eyes scowls*
McGonagall: Ok, today, we shall teach you how to turn animals into goblets.
Bird: Oh no. Anything but that!
*McGonagall turns the bird into goblet*
All animals: AAAAA!
Scabbers: Don't do this! I'm not to be humiliated!
Ron: Well you are no fun. So we have to do something with you!
Scabbers: Anything but this!
*Ron turns him into a furry cup with a tail*
Lizard: Aaaa! Animal abuser!
Chimp: Let's rebel!
*All animals attacks*
Hermione: Tell us about the chamber of secrets! It'll calm them down!
*all animals stopped and think, "Well they may leave us alone finally!"*
Scabbers: But what about me?
Sirius: Psst. Shut up Peter. You get a bigger part in the next movie.
McGonagall: there are four people who came to build this place and They named your common rooms after themselves. Godric Gryffindor, the brave and stupidly too courageous. Helga Hufflepuff, a loyal bitch, Rowena Ravenclaw, who is exceptionally bright and is in love with Salazar Slytherin, a sly ugly boy. Slytherin complains and wants purebloods only. But the other three likes any children into school so Slytherin left. Leaving a small present behind. No one knows where the chamber is. It is said to be the home of somewhat only the heir of Slytherin can control. It says to be the home of a monster.
*Dramatic Chord*
Hermione: Ok, who did that?
Draco: Cute red head. *Purrs*
Ron: Uhhh… you aren't a Heir of Slytherin are you?
Draco: Wish I was. It would be nice revenge on my father.
Hermione: Oh dear me, who would want to kill muggle born?
Ron: Draco. You heard him.
Harry: But he told you he wasn't.
Ron: Oh please he would have to be thick to say it!
Hermione: Let's go into the library for the book and try to make a difficult potion.
Harry: stop looking at me Ron.
Ron: What?
Hermione: Here it is. It needs Bicorn Horn and Boomslangs. We can steal them from Snape. We'll just break fifty school rules. Beat the two retards head in and turn into them. But you have one hour.
Harry: That sucks.
Hermione: This is Dangerous. And It takes one month to make.
Harry: A month! Then the Heir will take over thy school and kill off all thee Muggle born! (Gets onto his knees and arms reached out in the sky*
Hermione: But it's the only chance we 'ave. *Hermione does the same*
*Ron shook his head and put his hands on their shoulder*
Ron: We shouldn't be here. What if we all get caught?
Hermione: Get caught? Geez you sound like you were speaking in sexual term. *Laughs* Anyway, no one ever comes in here.
Ron: Why?
Hermione: Moaning Myrtle.
Ron: M-m-m-moaning? God now that is sick!
Myrtle: I suppose you like that! No one ever knows Myrtle! Who would ever remember the poor ugly, miserable, moaning myrtle? *Hiccups and cries. Then wails as she flies into her toilet*
Ron: Huh?
Hermione: She's a little sensitive.
Harry: A little?
*Dah ta da da! A Quidditch match begins and Harry nearly gets his head taken off!*
Draco: All right there scarhead?
Harry: Bugger off.
*bludger flies past Harry and passed Oliver.*
Oliver: Watch it dimwit!
Harry: Get out of the way you dick!
*The bludger breaks the broom and sends Oliver spinning down. Harry dodges it and flies all over the pitch and the bludger breaks through the stands*
Staff: Eee! What if the bludger breaks this stand's support?
Snape: nonsense. It's really sturdy.
*Stands creaks. The stand moves a bit. Everyone tenses up and looks at Snape glowering. Snape looked bewildered*
Draco: Training for ballet potter?
*Snitch flies over Draco's head*
Snitch: Oh, look at me! I can get behind the eye goggling, drooling Harry lover and never get caught. Tee Hee!
*The bludger flies passed the blonde and then Harry goes for the snitch. Draco follows*
*Colin stands in the field*
Bludger: Aaah! Take that boy!
*Colin ducks*
Bludger: Damn.
Hagrid: blimey! Harry's got himself a Rogue bludger!
Ron: I'll save you Harry!
Hermione: No! You'll hit Harry!
Ron: You're just jealous.
Hermione: And besides, your wand is broken.
Ron: Damn.
*The bludger blocks Draco off and Draco want sailing into the air and tumbling painfully and gasps and falls down*
Lucius: Incompetent. Is this how you show what the Malfoy are made of? Disgraced!
*Bludger breaks Harry's arm and Harry caught the snitch and lands*
Snitch: *Sings* The jig is up, the news is out they finally found me!
Lee: He caught the snitch! Gryffindor wins!
Bludger: Die scarhead!
*Hits Harry's right side and missed and missed again and again then Hermione blows it up*
Bludger: Eep!
Ron: I wanna save him. He's mine!
Lockhart: I'll fix your arm. I done this countless times!
Harry: Help! Help me!!
Lockhart: Ok, *Debones Harry*
Harry: Ah shit! Now my arm looks like a flaccid Pe…
Hermione: Innocent ears!
Hagrid: No bones! Now how is he gonna write?
Lockhart: We'll just sent him to the hospital wing.
Ron: You should have thought of that before deboning him you retard!
*Draco moans*
Pomfrey: I am a mean nurse who believes I am best at everything and nothing can fool me. You may go Malfoy. You're fine.
Draco: Damn. Now I can't snog with Harry.
Pomfrey: You should have come to me in the first place. Why did Lockhart have to be so retarded? I can mend bones in seconds! But Regrowing them is a nasty business. Drink this. It's a Skele grow and it burns.
*Harry drinks and spits it out.*
Pomfrey: well if it tastes good everyone would want it. Hmph.
*Harry wakes up and hears the basilisk. Sees Dobby*
Dobby: Me back! Sir, you should have stayed home when you missed the train!
Harry: You nearly got us Expelled!
Dobby: Lest you be home safe!
Harry: There's nothing safe about being with the Dursleys!
Dobby: Better there than here. And I hoped my bludger would have hurt you enough to sent you home. I also have to iron my hands after the train station too.
Harry: You better beat it before my arm grows back or I might strangle you!
Dobby: *Gasps* Please sir, Don't hate me. I Dobby is treated like vermin! Why not pick somebody your own size? I mean, you should go home! Now the History is to repeat itself. *Gasp* I shouldn't have said that! Now that the Chamber is opened again! Damn, not again! Shouldn't have said that!
Hagrid: Hey, that was my old lines! Go get your own! You copycat!
Harry: I'm not leaving. My friend will be the first to go if the chamber is really opened. Tell me Dobby! Now!
*Dobby snaps fingers and disappears*
Dumbledore: Another attack! Finally. Now Colin will leave us alone.
McGonagall: Now what about Lockhart?
Dumbledore: Shh. We'll deal with him later. He seems to want to take a picture of his attacker? He was also carrying grapes. Guess he has a crush on Harry.
Harry: *Grumbles about not gay.*
Dumbledore: This also means Hogwarts is no longer safe. The Chamber of Secrets has been indeed opened, again.
*Dramatic chord*
McGonagall: Now where did that come from?
Lockhart: Welcome all! I started Dueling club to train you up in case you ever need to defend yourself. My assistant professor Snape.
Snape: I'm your Colleague. Not your assistant you jerk.
Lockhart: He has told me he knows a tiny bit about Dueling. Now we shall duel.
*They face off and walked.*
Lockhart: 1...2...3!
Snape: Expelliarmus!
*Lockhart went flying*
Harry: Guess that shows who is a better duelist.
Hermione: Is he all right?
Ron: Who cares?
Me: No one does! Muwahahahahahahaha!
Lockhart: *Shaken* That was truly obvious that is what you're about to do. If I were to stop you, it would be truly too easy.
Snape: Horseshit. Now you should pair people up to duel each other.
Lockhart: An excellent suggestion Professor Snape. How about a volunteer up there? Potter, Weasley. How about you?
Snape: I don't think so. Time to split up a dream team. How about I select someone from my own house? Malfoy, perhaps?
*Motions for Draco to move up and Harry moves onto Draco*
Draco: Scared Potter?
Harry: Yoooou Wish.
Lockhart: Only to disarm please! !…
Draco: *Mutters his spell and sends Harry flying and doing back flips*
Harry: Rictasempra!
*Draco went flying and Snape looks at the poor Dray about to cry*
Draco: I fell on my arse twice! Waaa.
Snape: Get up and duel!
Draco: *Mutters a snake summoning*
*Snake hisses*
Snape: Bloody brats. Don't move Potter. I'll get rid of it for you.
Lockhart: Oh no, I-I-I'll handle this Professor Snape *Mutters a curse*
*The Snake went flying and the head snaps almost three dimensional at the screen. Snake gets pissed*
Snake: Damn that buffoon! Ooo. Why I oughta…
Harry: hiiii eeeaaa hhhuuusseeaaathh! Hhiii Eeaa Huuseeath! *The snake faces Justin and it hisses*
Snake: Hello good looking' wanna go out?
Harry: Hiiii eeaaa huusseeatth
*Snake looks at Harry and Harry shook his head and the class and the professors looked at him in shock*
Ron: You're a parseltongue Harry! Why didn't you tell us?
Harry: I didn't know what it was! I also let the snake loose onto my cousin Dudley.
Boa Constrictor: No, I didn't do anything to that big fat cry baby! I just went to see my mamma!
Ron: I heard you speaking parseltongue. Snake language? Salazar was famous for it.
Harry: How can I speak the language without knowing it?
Ron: You could be his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great *Hermione slaps him in the head* grandson.
Hermione: It was a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be.
Harry: *After getting stares from suspicious Students*
Mysterious voice: Deception. Disgrace. Evil as plain as the scar on his face! Deception, Disgrace! He asked for trouble the moment he came.
Harry: I'll be in the common room.
*Sees Nick petrified and Justin*
Nick: Ooooh. Look at me, I am all petrified! How scary.
Justin: I thought I saw a sn…
*Something kicks Justin*
Silch: Aaah! 'Nother attack. McGonagall!
Harry: No. Mr. Filch. Y-you don't understand!
*sees spiders crawling up the window. McGonagall enters.*
Harry: McGonagall. I swear. I didn't do it.
McGonagall: This is out of my hands Potter. *Gets to the gargoyle* Professor Dumbledore will be waiting for you.
*Harry walks into the office and sees a Sorting hat.*
Hat: hello Potter. You know me. I am full of surprises. You might be wondering if I sent you into a right house. Well you were very difficult. But I stand what I said last year. You would done well in Slytherin.
Harry: You're wrong.
Hat: Oooh. Cheeky brat.
Fawkes: Hello. Goodbyeeeee. *Bursts into flame*
Harry: Professor! I swear Your bird! I couldn't do anything!
Dumbledore: You murdered my bird! How dare you! Naw, I am just kidding Harry. Fawkes is a phoenix. It was his time to die. But he gets reborn from the ashes.
Harry: Whoa. Weird.
Dumbledore: Yeah, I know. And they have healing tears and can carry massive heavy loads. Now I want to ask if there is something you want to tell me…
Hagrid: He didn't! He couldn't! I would stand in front of the ministry if I had too!
Dumbledore: Ah shut up. Harry didn't kill no one. I'm sure he is innocent.
Hagrid: Oh, I guess I will wait out the door.
Harry You don't believe I did this?
Dumbledore: Nah. You're too innocent. Anyhow, Is there anything you want to tell me?
Harry: No. Sorry. Nothing.
Dumbledore: Nothing? Nothing, tra, la la??
Harry: McGonagall brought me here anyway. But as the script follows, I go off to get Crabbe and Goyle.
*as the trio got together, Hermione got the two sleeping draught muffins*
Hermione: Give them to the two boys and bring me their heads. Err… I mean hair.
Harry: *stifles from laughing* Ok, evil stepmother.
*Sees The two boys coming. Harry brings the muffins up and they ate it and then Cuts to the scene where they add the hairs*
Ron: I'm gonna be sick.
Hermione: Me too.
Harry: Hmm… I wonder if they have weak stomachs. Ugh! Now I feel like shit! *Seems hand bubbles* Aaaaaah! I'm mutating! *sees himself as Goyle* Whoa.
Ron/Crabbe: Harry?
Goyle: Ron.
Goyle: wow. That is so shibby. Err… What's wrong with my voice?
Harry: You have to make it sound deeper.
Ron: *deep* Bloody hell.
Harry: Excellent.
Ron: I can sound sexy if you want.
Hermione: Go to the goddamn Slytherin common room!
Harry: Hermione, are you ok?
Hermione: Just go, you're wasting time!
Harry: What's up her ass?
Hermione: I heard that!!!!!
Harry: I think I see a Slytherin go this way.
Percy: Hey!
Ron: What are you… What are you doing here?
Percy: I happen to be a school prefuct. And you have no business running around the corridors these days. Your names?
Draco: Crabbe! Goyle! Where ye been? What's with the Glasses?
Goyle: *Thinking, "Damn."* Oh, for reading.
Draco: Reading? I didn't know you could read. Hang on. Those looks like Harry's.
Goyle: Yeah, I stole it. How you like it?
Draco: Retarded. But how did you steal it?
Goyle: I punched him out.
Draco: Punched him out? A boy who defeated a dark lord gets punched out by a large ugly retard? Yeah right! Nice try making me laugh. So really, why did you use it?
Goyle: I lost my old one so I stole Harry's and thought of making fun of it.
Draco: Soooo stupid. What's with you Crabbe?
Crabbe: Stupid.
Draco: What? What did you call me?
Crabbe: Not you. Goyle.
Draco: You never called him that before. I wonder why.
Crabbe: Uhhh….
Goyle: He just likes the word. Stupid.
Draco: But he said he's insulting you.
Crabbe: Uh… Oh I mean I tell him I learn stupid.
*Draco chuckles but looks at them disbelief.*
Draco: now what Crabbe?
Crabbe: Stomach ache.
Draco: You know, I'm surprised that the daily prophet hadn't inform about the attacks. Dumbledore might be trying to hush it up. Father said he was the worst person that could ever happen into this place.
Goyle: You're wrong!
Draco: *Looking suspicious* What? You think someone you know something I don't? Well do you?
Goyle: Um… Harry Potter might know.
Draco: Good work Goyle. Saint Potter. God he is sooo sexy… I mean… People thinks he's the Slytherins Heir. I wish I knew who it is. I could help them.
Goyle: You must have some idea who's behind this.
Draco: You know I hadn't Goyle. How many times do I have to tell you? *Shakes a present* Is this yours?
*Both boys shook head. Draco looks around and sneaks the package inside*
Draco: I do know one thing. When the chamber was opened, it was fifty years ago. And when it happened, A mud blood died. I think it's about time that it happens again. I hope it's Granger.
*Crabbe gets up and Goyle stops him*
Draco: What's the matter with you two? You been acting very… odd.
Goyle: It's his stomach ache* *To Crabbe* Settle down.
Crabbe: Your scar.
Goyle: It's no time to be fantasizing me.
Crabbe: No I mean your scar is showing.
Goyle: Oh crap. Your hair.
Draco: What the?
Goyle: Crabbe learned to die his hair magically. Gotta go!
Draco: He learned how to use a wand? Hey, where are you going?! Intruders!
Harry: Hermione, come on out, we have loads to tell you!
Hermione: Go away!
Ron: What else is up her ass?
Myrtle: It's dreadful.
Harry: Oh my god.
Hermione: Bulstrode has a cat. I should not assumed it was her hair! Animal transformation is not good for polyjuice potion!
Ron: Look at your tail.
Harry: Oh real smooth.
*Two boys spoke and saw water flooding. They ran to the bathroom*
Ron: Shut off all the water!
Harry: Why the water running anyway?!
*Myrtle moaning and crying*
Myrtle: Come to throw something else at me?
Harry: Why would I throw something at you?
Myrtle: Don't talk to me like that. Here I am minding my own business. And someone thinks it's fun to throw a book at me.
Ron: But it'll go through you. What's the point of crying and flooding the castle?!
Myrtle: Let's all go throw books at Myrtle because she can't feel it! Ten points if you get it through her stomach! Fifty points if you get it through her head!
Harry: What throw what at you?
Myrtle: The book is over there. I gotta go and cry and moan some more.
*Harry picks up a book.*
*Harry is back at the Common room, inspecting the book and writes in it*
Harry: My name is Harry Potter.
Tom: Hello Harry. I am Tom Riddle. I'm not really Voldielocks I mean Voldemort.
Harry: Do you know anything about the chamber of secrets?
Tom: Yes.
Harry: Can you tell me?
Tom: No. But I can show you. Let me take you fifty years into the past.
*Harry see Tom staring at the people bringing the covered body which is Myrtle. Then Dumbledore asked for Riddle to come up.*
Dumbledore: What are you doing out here this time of night? You ought to be in your dorm and not causing trouble. I have my eye on you. Got something to say?
Tom: No sir.
Dumbledore: you being discreet. I sense much evil in you.
Tom: Sure yoda.
*Tom walks over to where Hagrid was*
Tom: What's up Hagrid?
Hagrid: What are you doing here?
Tom: It's all over. They are closing the school.
Hagrid: You just don't like the orphanage. You cry baby. Besides, Aragog never kills no one.
Tom: come on, The thing Hogwarts can do was slaughter the monster who killed the girl. Now stand aside.
Hagrid: No!
*Tom mutters a spell and the tiny spider crawls away*
Harry: HAAAAAGRIIIIID!
*Comes out of the book*
Hermione: So Hagrid was expelled for opening the chamber of secrets? Should we ask?
Ron: Uh, sure, that will be a nice visit. "Hello Hagrid, tell us, have you been setting anything mad, and hairy lately?"
Hagrid: Mad and Hairy? How dare you insult me! I will crush your bones to make me bread!
Harry: We weren't talking about you.
Hagrid: Oh, then you three shall watch out for yourselves. *Walks away and Newville ran*
Neville: Harry, I don't know who did it but someone was in your room and it was… Well come see!
*Sees a room destroyed*
Harry: Who would have done this?
Ron: Got to be a Gryffindor. No one else knows our password.
Harry: tom's diary. It's gone.
*Dramatic chord*
Hermione: What was that again?
Oliver: ok, let's try this again, if that bludger tries to take on Harry, we shall beat it in the whatever. Hello McGonagall.
McGonagall: The Quidditch match is being cancelled.
Oliver: What? Noooo! That sucks! You can't cancel Quidditch!
McGonagall: I can if I want to. Harry, come with me. Hermione is petrified. I bet you know this?
Harry: No.
Ron: No.
McGonagall: Rules now are All students must stay in their Dormitories. All students must go to class assisted by a teacher. All students must shut the hell up because I can hear your whining and complaints!
Harry: Looks like I have to get my dad's cloak.
Ron: Quick, to the potter mobile!
Hagrid: *Hears a door knock. Grabs a crossbow* Who is there?
Harry: It's just us. Are you gonna kill us?
Hagrid: Oh. Nah. I'm just defending myself from a stupid attacker. I heard about Hermione yes. Anyway, I tell you what I know about the Chamber of secrets. *Door knocks* Quick, Hide. Oh, Hello Fudge. Dumbledore Sir.
Harry: *Whispers* Fudge? What woman would name their kid fudge?
Ron: That's his last name. He's Cornelius. And he's my dad's boss.
Harry: What your dad works with a Christmas ornament?
Fudge: Very bad business, Hagrid. Very bad business. You have to come per see, Charges are on your arse and you better head onto Azkaban.
Hagrid: No. Not… Azkaban!
*Dramatic chord*
Harry: Ok, this is not funny.
Dumbledore: He has my full trust. I need to control him in order to have him do what ever I say. Or he would just crush your bones to make his bread.
Lucius: Hello everybody. I have arrived.
Hagrid: What are you doing here? Get out of my house!
Lucius: Oh please. I have no interest in being in your ugly house. House you call it eh? I was informed Dumbledore was hiding here.
Dumbledore: I wasn't hiding here you dolt. I came to restraint Hagrid.
Lucius: All twelve members signed your suspension form and you will need to leave.
Hagrid: You blackmailed them! You threatened them! How dare ye?
Lucius: Stuff it. How many more muggle borns are gonna die this week? Sad. Time to go.
Dumbledore: I would be too glad to leave the school but only if those were not loyal to me. But you will find any help that can be given to those who asked for it.
*Dumbledore looks at Harry*
Harry: Shit. He can see us!
Hagrid: And if anyone want information. Follow the spiders. And watch out. They are evil.
Harry: Dumbledore gone, there will be an attack a day.
Ron: I'm afraid of spiders. Why spiders? Why can't it be follow the butterflies?
Harry: Then it would be like saying "follow the yellow brick road" ugh. I hate Oz.
Ron: Can we go back now?
Harry: No. Come on. *They venture further.*
Harry: Ron, don't panic.
Aragog: Hagrid. Is that you?
Harry: No. We're a friend of Hagrid. We came because he needs your help. Some said he let the monster out long ago. It killed someone and it must of come back.
Aragog: It was I he released. But I never hurt anyone. I never gone back.
Harry: So you're not the guardian?
Aragog: No! The spiders fears it! We run away because it was scary! Oooh! We do not speak of it! It roams the castle, killing muggle borns and we fear it because we are it's mortal enemy.
Ron: *squeaky* Harry.
Harry: *annoyed* What?
*Ron whimpers as he points up. The spiders come down and they surround the boys*
Harry: Are any of your kids radioactive?
Aragog: No. None here will turn you into Spiderman you idiots. Now I can not let you go. My children are starving. Now I must feed them. You!
Harry: Aaah! They're gonna eat us!
Ron: Now who's being obvious?
*The car comes crashing in*
Car: *In mighty mouse's voice* Here I come to save the day!
Harry: It's nighttime.
Car: *In Louis Anderson voice* Who cares. I came to save your arse. Get in here now!
*They got away and then head to the Hut*
Ron: Follow the spiders. Just follow the spiders. If Hagrid comes out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!
Harry: But he's innocent.
Ron: Sending us straight to the spiders is not my idea of innocent.
Harry: He never opened the chamber of secrets.
*In the hospital wing*
Harry: We need you Hermione. More than ever.
Ron: Why did this have to be us?
Harry: A paper. It's the basilisk. He been roaming around the pipes and killing muggles. Nick got a blast of it, Justin saw it through Nick, Mrs. Norris saw it's reflection on the water, and Hermione saw it through the mirror. And spiders flee before it.
Ron: It makes sense!
Harry: Time to be a hero again.
McGonagall: All students get back in your dorms immediately! All staffs get their arse back over to the corridor where Mrs. Norris is murdered!
McGonagall: The monster took the girl into the chamber. Now we are doom! Time to close it all up!
Lockhart: So sorry. Dozed off. What did I miss?
Snape: Everything! The girl is taken away and now it's up to you to save her!
McGonagall: Want a reign? You got it. Go to hell!
Lockhart: Oh. Ok. Very well. I better go pack up and scram.
Pomfrey: Who was taken?
McGonagall: Ginny Weasley.
*dramatic chord*
McGonagall: I really hate that!
Harry: We got to get Lockhart! Lockhart, we got to tell you something! Going somewhere?
Lockhart: Yes, urgent news. Unavoidable.
Ron: What about my sister?
Lockhart: No one gives a shit about her.
Ron: You're the defense against the dark arts teacher! You can't go now!
Lockhart: When I took this job, it was not in job description!
Harry: But by running away? After all the things you done in the books? You wrote them!
Lockhart: I didn't do any of it. I'm a fraud! I freaking stole the ideas and erased their memories. It was my talent. I stole credits and use memory charms. Now, I must do the same to you.
Harry: *Points a wand* Don't.. Even… Think about it. *Motions his wand to say drop your wand.*
*They got to the bathroom*
Myrtle: What do you want?
Harry: To… Ask… You… How… You… Died.
Myrtle: Do I look like a moron? I can understand fast speech. And I understand English stupid! I died in this very stall. I want to tell this jerk to fuck off but then I died.
Harry: How?
Myrtle: seeing a two great yellow eyes right over there. *Pointing to the sinks*
Ron: Say something in Parseltongue.
Harry: *Mutters the snake language*
Lockhart: ahh… Very good Harry. Well done. Well I better scram! *But the boys held him back and threw him into the hole*
Harry: Serves that fucker right.
Myrtle: Oh Harry… If you died down there. You can share my toilet.
Harry: Thanks Myrtle. *Looks disgusted*
*Slides into the chamber and Ron points the wand at Lockhart*
Ron: Don't even think about it. Move on.
Harry: bones, Snake skins, and bloody hell, snake shit too!
Ron: *Sees Lockhart faint* What a weak minded.
*Lockhart grabs the wand*
Lockhart: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now prepare to die! I shall erase your memories! Buh bye! Obliviate! *Flies off and gets memory erased*
Lockhart: Hello. Who are you?
Ron: I'm Ron Weasley.
Lockhart: Really? And ummm… Who am I?
Ron: Lockhart's memory charm's backfired! He hasn't got a fucking clue who the hell he is!
Lockhart: Interesting place. You live here?
Ron: No. *Smacks Lockhart with the rock*
Me: Yay! Go Ron, go Ron, go Ron!
Ron: What do we do now?
Harry: You stay here, and I get Ginny.
*Enters the chamber and finds Ginny*
Harry: Are you dead? Please be dead.
Tom: Oh she's not dead. Just alive. Only just.
Harry: Ok, I better take her out of here. The basilisk will come.
Tom: It won't come until it's called.
Harry: Give me my wand!
Tom: No. I like it. It's so nice.
Harry: Sicko!
Tom: Yeah, sure. You saw my brain scheme capture of that big oaf.
Harry: Hagrid's my friend! And you… *sobs* Framed him!
Tom: It was my word against Hagrid. Although Dumbledore suspects me all along after he was expelled.
Harry: Bet he saw right through you.
Tom: He kept an annoying close watch on me. That big old bastard. Anyway I want to say Ginny opened the chamber. Written in my diary, killed the muggle borns, written threatening letters in the wall, and is about to be gone. I am taking her soul. I will be very real. Now tell me, how can a tiny scrawny boy like you survive the dark lord?
Harry: Who cares. Voldemort was after your time.
Tom: Kid, Voldilocks… I mean Voldemort is my past, present, and future! Tom Marvolo Riddle, I am Lord Voldemort!
Harry; Oh shit!
Tom: You think, I was gonna keep my filthy muggle father's name? No. I choose a name, a name I know everyone will one day fear to speak. Before I even became a greatest sorcerer in the world.
Harry: Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer in the world.
Tom: Dumbledore is gone. Ran from a mere memory of me.
Harry: He'll never be gone. Not as those who are loyal to him.
*Fawkes comes*
Fawkes: Here I come to aid Harry Potter. Make way. Phoenix coming through!
Tom: So this is what Dumbledore gives to this pitiful boy. A song bird and a old hat.
Fawkes and sorting hat: Hey! We resent that! Never judge the book by it's cover!
*Tom ignores and speaks in parseltongue. The mouth of Salazar Slytherin opens and the snake appears*
Tom: Let's match the power of Lord Voldilocks… I mean Voldemort Heir of Helga Hufflepuff… I mean Salazar Slytherin against the famous scrawny boy Harry Potter. No one can save you now Potter!
Fawkes: dum da da! *Attacks the basilisk*
Basilisk: Ow! My eye! Cut it out you bastard! Ow!
Fawkes: Now take him down!
Harry: Let him not get me!
Tom: He can still hear you Potter.
*Harry escapes the basilisk and gets back to Ginny*
Harry: Yes Potter. I am feeling much alive!
*The snake bursts out of the water. Screaming and then the sword appeared from the hat*
Hat: Harry, here's a sword.
Harry: *Takes the sword and runs on top of Salazar's head*
Salazar: Oh man, Now this is ridicules. Boy on my head and the snake attacks over my face.
Basilisk: Come here!
*The sword pierces through the roof of the mouth into the brain*
Basilisk: AAAAAAAA! I'm dying! Oh what to do now! Waaaaaa! I'm gonna diieeeeeeeeeeeee! *Falls down*
*Harry walks over with a fang in left hand.*
Tom: Funny. A thing a little silly book can do, in a hands of a silly little slut. The poison is inside you now Potter. You got one minute to live. *Harry takes the book and fang hovers above it* What are you doing? No! Stop! No! My book! *Harry stabs it!* My body! My face! Noooo! I'm dying! Noooooooooooo!
Ginny: Oh Harry! You save me!
Harry: Damn. Go away Ginny.
Ginny: But your arm!
Fawkes: I'll heal you.
Harry: You're fantastic Fawkes. I wasn't fast enough.
Fawkes: Are you sick or something? Aw hell with it. I'll heal you anyway.
*later*
Lockhart: Amazing! It's just like magic!
Ron: Why didn't I kill him?
Harry: Then we will get expelled for killing a teacher.
Lockhart: I'm a teacher? Gracious I thought I was hopeless.
Dumbledore: Broke hundreds of rules, killed a basilisk, discovered the chamber of secrets, saved the girl, erased Hagrid's name, and got Malfoy fired as a school governor. You're a hero!
Fawkes: WHAT? I gave him the hat who gave him the sword, I blinded the basilisk, I healed the wound, I Brought them out of the chamber and the stupid kid is a hero?
Car: Well I just saved them from the spiders.
Fawkes: I did more than what you did jerk!
Hat: psssh. Puh leaze. No one cares about us. All this is about him. Always him! WHY HIM!?
Fawkes: stupid bugger gets all the glory and we never get an attention. Life sucks!
Dumbledore: Ron, take this letter. We need our Gate keeper back. And as for you Harry… You told me you had nothing to say. You lied.
Harry: I was afraid of what you might do. I'm a parseltongue.
Dumbledore: You're a parseltongue because the stupid Voldemort is a parseltongue. Gave you bit of his powers unintentionally.
Harry: The hat said I would done well in Slytherin. But I choose to be in Gryffindor.
Dumbledore: Well, It's our choice. And if you want to know you belong in Gryffindor, take a look at this.
*The name on the sword Harry took from Dumbledore said, "Godric Gryffindor"*
Dumbledore: Only a true Gryffindor would pull that out of a hat.
Lucius: You back? How dare you!
Dumbledore: Hagrid was right. You threatened and blackmailed the members. Well, it sucks to be you. And the culprit is caught.
Malfoy: Really? Who?
Dumbledore: Voldilocks.
Malfoy: No, I suspect you meant Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Well it's a name we give him so that it pisses him off. And I must tell you not to give anymore Voldemort's old school stuff away.
Fawkes: Since when did he ever kept Voldemort's school supplies?
Car: Beats me.
Hat: Tom must have left it behind and Lucius knew what it is and took it. I think. I can be far wrong.
Lucius: Let's just hope that Mr. Potter will always be around… To save the day.
Hat: Hey we saved the day! Not him!
Car: Give it a rest. I saved their lives from a spider, You gave Harry a sword, And Fawkes gauged the Basilisk and healed the wound and took them out of that ruddy chamber. What did Harry do? Searches for clues that are quite crystal clear under his nose. Course, he's just twelve. Not 20. Yet he gets the glory because this is all about him.
Hat: Daniel plays a twelve year old boy but is close to being fourteen.
Fawkes: And they say he's too old
Hat: Old? Look at the woman playing Myrtle!! Nearly 40!!! People are retarded.
Harry: Don't worry… I will be.
Fawkes: Will be what?
Hat: Will save the freaking day of course! Where you been?
Fawkes: Ah shut up. You're just mad because I did more stuff than you guys did.
Car: Don't make me beat the stuffing out of you!
Hat: I got more surprises under my hat so better what it bub!
Harry: Mr. Malfoy! Mr. Malfoy! Here's your diary.
Mr. Malfoy: I don't use Diaries. That is gross. Malfoys don't need diaries.
Harry: Gee, that's too bad, your pal Voldilocks used this Diary himself. So what's the big deal? You gave the diary to Ginny too.
Mr. Malfoy: *Thrusts the book to dobby* Why don't you proof it? *Sneers and walks away* Come Dobby.
Dobby: Dobby has a sock! Master gave Dobby a sock! Dobby freeeeeeee!
Mr. Malfoy: YOU LOST ME MY SERVANT!
Harry: Geez, don't get a cold head.
Dobby: You will not harm Harry Potter.
*Mr. Malfoy begins his curse and Dobby knocks him away*
Mr. Malfoy: Your parents are meddlesome fools! You will meet their sticky end. *Leaves*
Dobby: Harry Potter gave Dobby a sock. Harry freed Dobby! How can Dobby ever repay him?
Harry: Just one favor.
Dobby: Anything.
Harry: Talk like that and you will be put on "The most annoying computer generated creature" like Jar Jar binks. And don't save my life. Ever.
Dumbledore: Another year gone with great events it was! Now Gryffindors win the house cup and the petrified kids were cured except for Colin because he is annoying as Dobby. And now Hagrid Is coming back.
Neville: Hey, It's Hermione!
*The two boys looked at her and then she runs up and hugs Harry. But doesn't hug Ron. But shakes hands*
Seamus: Hmm… Pretty obvious. You're still young.
Ron: Shut up! *To Hermione* Welcome back.
Hermione: You solved it. I can't believed you actually solved it.
Harry: Well… I guess you can say that.
Hagrid: I'm back! Them morons started babbling about mistaking me for being the attacker. Well, here I am. I would never forget what you done for me Harry. Ron… Well… Especially Hermione of course.
Harry: It isn't Hogwarts without you.
Fawkes: Wait, what did Hagrid ever do for them?
Trevor: Well duh! Told about the stone last year by accident, brought Harry to Privet drive, then to Hogwarts.
Hat: He gave Dumbledore Fluffy to guard the stone. He also knew about the chambers and knew Aragog knows something. He wants Harry and Ron to know what he knows. He does a lot more than you all think. So it's never Hogwarts without him.
Fawkes: No count buggers.
Car: I wonder if I will show up again? Will I do something heroic?
Fawkes: Yeah, sure! You might!
*Somehow Ron and Harry were in the car for the fourth time. Just flying around in the dark sky.*
Ron: Aaah. Nice out here. Basilisk dead, Ginny safe and sound, Hermione is ok, Colin is gone, Dobby bothers you no more, and you know what else is great? Lockhart is dead.
Harry: I thought he was sent to Mungo's hospital?
Ron: Oh he was but then mysteriously died.
Harry: Well then that is good. The air smells nice out there.
Ron: Mmm Hmm.
Harry: Ron, is that your hand on my ass again?
Ron: No. Was yours on mine?
Harry: No. Uh… *Both looks back and screams*
Both: MALFOY!
Draco: Hiya boys. Taking a ride on the wild side eh? *Purrs*
Author: Ever wonder how Draco got there? Why animals and inanimate objects talked? That few familiar song comes from somewhere, and the dramatic Chord also coming from somewhere?
Simple. Just the author putting in the high sugar caffeine rush comedy. Although who knows how great it can be. If you want to flame me go ahead. I would just count that as a review given for me because you simply waste time reviewing stories you hate. I think you don't hate stories you hate. Wanna know why? Because you review them and complain too much about the story. A person who really hates it, would never bother it. But if you are this retarded, You hate a story because you think it's not good, but you still like to review it. You still talk about it. Meaning you don't really disliked it. You just confusing yourself. So get over it.