Chamber of insanity!

by infernomage

one chapter contains slash other does not! read them and review! These will make you laugh your spleens up! Please review!!!!!

2. Non slash! The COS altered for longer be...

Ok this is a non-slash fic. Everything is modified and nothing is related to slash. So this is probably funnier.

Harry: *Looks at the album of his parents. And apparently, there has been one NAUGHTY picture of Sirius Black having affair with Lily!* Aaaa! My virgin eyes! *Slams the book and sees Hedwig trying to get out* No Hedwig.. Uncle Vernon hates it when you go off and bringing dead rats and letters all over the place and making noise, making babies, crapping all over the place, and attracting people.
Hedwig: *Screech* what the devil is wrong with him! Oh why didn't Dumbledore adopt you to someone nicer? It doesn't have to be a freaking relative!!
Vernon: Harry Potter! Get down here! You brat, you let your pesky birdie make noise. Now I'm gonna eat that bird!
Hedwig *off stage* what, no way!
Harry: But she's bored. If I only let her out for… an hour… ah I think you guys need to grow up. Stop with this frickening prejudice and hate.
Vernon: Ah shut up freak. *Belts him*
Vernon: Good for you. A freak like you should have learned to duck. Now, go to your room and not make noise. The stupid Masons do not know you exist. I don't want you messing anything up.
Harry: Oh, I won't mess anything up. Iiiii promiiiissse!
Dudley: I'll be opening the door and take their coats and lead them to the living room.
Petunia: I'll be welcoming them into our home. And admire Mrs. Mason's dress and jewelry!
Mr. Dursley: And I will pretend that everything was fine and Harry doesn't exist.
Harry: Oh you all are so going to hell. *Laughs* that is the most pathetic thing I ever seen in my life! *Laughs hysterically*

*Dobby jumps on the bed*
Dobby: No more Dobby jumping on the bed! And one fell out and cracked his head open! Eeerrr…. Hi Harry Potter sir. Dobby the House Elf.
Harry: A house elf? In my bedroom? This isn't good. Not good at all.
Dobby: Dobby understands sir. It's just that Dobby has something to say. Err… Kinda embarrassing.
Harry: Why don't you just sit down.
Dobby: Ok.
Harry: No you're suppose to go hysterical because no wizard treats you as an equal.
Dobby: But sit down is a command. You don't tell best friends to sit down do you?
Harry: Oh, will you care to sit down?
Dobby: Wha? Sit… Sit down? *Starts to wail*
Harry: I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you.
Dobby: But asking me to sit down, as an equal doesn't make it sound offending.
Harry: But you started bawling!
Dobby: But you told me to go hysterical.
Harry: Dobby, we're suppose to follow the script.
Dobby: What's a script?
*Harry slaps himself and hands him a script*
Dobby: What the hell is a Bas… *Harry takes it away*
Harry: Moron! Don't blabber stuff out! Now follow the script! Bang your head against the dresser now.
Dobby: but you're Harry Potter. Not The Malfoys.
Harry: Idiot! It's in the goddamn script! And repeat yourself Bad Dobby while banging your head against it.
Dobby: *Dobby hits himself* Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
*The masons and the Dursleys hear the noise*
Vernon: It's a… the cats.
Mr. Mason: Do cats normally go around banging things and making noise?
Mrs. Mason: I don't think I seen any cats act like that.
Harry: Cut it out Dobby!
*Still banging*
Dobby: But… ow… you … told… me… too… OW!
Harry: Yeah but now it's time to stop. Now, tell me why you punish yourself.
Dobby: You made me do it.
Harry: No you moron. You have to punish yourself. Because it's what you do when you let some plots out. And start hitting yourself. Malfoys gives you threats five times a day.
Dobby: Really?
Harry: Yes, now repeat what I just said and now go.
Dobby: 'Yes, now repeat what I just said…'
Harry: no! *Strangles himself* Grrr…. Ok. Forget that now, why are you here?
Dobby: I'm not sure.
Harry: Yes you do. Think Dobby, Think!
Dobby: Harry… Potter… Mustn't go back to Hogwarts of… Witchcraft?
Harry: Go on. You're getting it.
Dobby: Go on. You're getting it.
Harry: You idiot! Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry this year! And if I do, terrible things will happen! Now, Say those lines.
Dobby: You idiot! Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry this year!
Harry: Well, let's just move on.
Dobby: If Harry Potter goes back to school. He will be in great danger.
Harry: What kind of things. What's happening there?
Dobby: Ummm…
Harry: *Whispers* Hit yourself with the lamp because you were about to nearly speak the plot you don't wanna repeat.
*Dobby takes the lamp and beats himself*
Mr. Vernon: Uh… Hold on. I think Dudley left his TV on.
Dudley: No I didn't… I mean… Oops. Sorry.
Harry: Now stop it. Stop! *Takes the lamp away and stuffs him in the closet*
Vernon: What the devil are you doing up here?
Harry: I mean Teaching this House Elf a Less… Nothing.
Vernon: One more word or sound out of you, you will wish you were never born! Now fix this door *Closes door. Harry opens the door and Dobby hops out. Holding a underwear*
Dobby: Uhhh….
Harry: Cut it out. Now, listen, you see why I can't stay. I don't belong here. And I miss my friends.
Dobby: hmmm… I understand. Want me to take you to Hogwarts?
Harry: Idiot! You are suppose to say, "Those friends who hadn't written to Harry Potter?"
Dobby: Oh yeah. Ok.
Harry: Well I expect them to… Hold on… How you know my friends hadn't been writing to me?
Dobby: You knew it yourself.
Harry: Dooooooooobbbbbeeeeee.
Dobby: Oh, Dobby… I mean Harry mustn't be angry with Dobby. He thought if his friends hadn't written, he wouldn't want to go back to school.
Harry: Give me those, now.
Dobby: Ok.
Harry: God you are so retarded!
Dobby: No! *Runs and Harry chases after him*
Harry: Dobby, get back here. *Whispers* Stay where you are and shook your head no.
*Does as commanded and looks at Harry*
Harry: Levitate that cake.
*Dobby does so*
Harry: Dobby… No.
Dobby: But you told me to.
Harry: Not that. Stick to the script.
Dobby: Harry Potter must say, he will not be going back to school.
Harry: I can't. Hogwarts is my home.
Dobby: Weird. A kid who likes school.
Harry: It's different from that! It's a way of escaping the Dursleys! They make me turn to the dark side!
Dobby: Use the force Harry.
Harry: shut up. Put the cake up top the mason's head. Until I get close enough, you make it drop*
*Dobby moves it and the Dursleys sees Potter and the cake drops on top of Mrs. Mason*
Vernon: It's my nephew. He's very disturbed.
Harry: Ah shut up. It's hard to control the stupid Elf.
Dobby: What must I do now?
Harry: Disappear. Evaporate. You're finished.
Legolas: You call this an elf? He's so tiny and ugly!
Harry: JK has weird imagination. I guess that she wants something small and annoying to be our slaves. But if she had you, you would be opening a can of whoop-ass on every owners.
Legolas: Well why don't they do that?
Harry: See why I can't get this stupid House elf to do anything right? They're that stupid not to rebel. They got powerful magic. They would act like Yoda in 'Attack of the clones'.
Yoda: Indeed they would. Too bad no force they have not had. *Legolas and Yoda leaves*
Harry: My life is hysterical.

Vernon: Blast you boy! You shall never see your freaky friends of yours again! Never!
Harry: Oh woe is me!
*Wakes up and sees a car flying toward him*
Ron: hello Harry.
Harry: *Deep voice every girls falls over for. Boys rolls their eyes* Ron? Fred. George. What are you all doing here?
Fred: we're here to watch you suffer. Nah, kidding
Ron: Rescuing you of course.
Harry: *Sarcasm* Oh, ok, just, like, let me get my princess gown on.
Fred: You have a princess gown?
Harry: It was sarcasm.
Fred: Oh. Never mind. *Thought, "I never seen cross dressers."*
Ron: Come on, get your stuff. *To his brothers* Drive.
*Harry puts his stuff in the trunk. Harry puts a hook on the bars and Ron ordered them to drive.*
Fred: We're not your servants.
Ron: Just drive! We're here to save Harry.
Harry: Frilling in a girl voice* Oooooh. Save me oh Ron. My heeero!
Ron: Quit it Harry! This stuff they do has to be illegal!
Harry: What cross dress?
Ron: No, putting you in a little cage and treat you like shit.
Harry: Ok.
*Fred moves and the hook pried the bars off. The Dursleys woke up*
Vernon: I-I-I-I-I wants some more Jell-O Mrs. Mason.
Petunia: How dare you!!!!
*Slaps him*
Vernon: Wha… Oh yeah. Potter!
Harry: He sounds like a goat!
Ron: Hurry up!
Hedwig: That's right, don't dawdle.
Harry: Take Hedwig.
Vernon: Petunia he's escaping!!
Shorty: Oh shit son!
Harry: Get out of our film you idiot!
Shorty: Ok, I gotta go smoke some shit.
Ron: Hold on Harry!
Vernon: *Grabs his ankle* you're not going anywhere!
Harry: Yes I am you baka!
Ron: Wait, you know Japanese?
Harry: Pretty cool huh?
Ron: Wicked.
Harry: Now let go of me!
Ron: Ok.
Harry: Not you! *To Vernon* Get off!
Ron: Drive!
Fred: Yes master.
*Vernon falls out of the window and goes… Splat!*
Petunia: Yay! Now I can go marry Mr. Mason! I like JELL-O!
Dudley: I never liked him anyway.

Ron: By the way Harry, Happy Birthday.
Fred: I so hate it when our little brother dragged us into this place.
George: Now we're dead.

*Morning has risen and they drove into the Burrow*
Harry: Don't you have chickens?
Ron: The author ate them. Now we use pigs instead.
Harry: The author?
Ron: yes. He likes chickens and will devour them a whole. Cooked. *Enters the house*
Harry: my god, what a pigsty!
Ron: Hey!
Harry: A really cool place to live in! This is what I am talking about!
Ron: Are you ok?
Harry: *high, whiney, Sarcastic* No I miss my princess dress.
Ron: *Sweat drop in anime style*
Molly Weasley: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! *Sees Harry* Oh Harry! How corky to see… I mean how nice to see you. No note! Beds empty! Car gone! You could have died! You could have been seen! *To Harry* I don't blame you dear.
Ron: I saved him from starvation mum. They put bars on his windows!
Molly: They did what? Why those no count scoundrels! I mean… You best hope I don't put bars on your window Ronald Weasley. *To Harry* Come, have some big, big, big breakfast!
Harry: ummmm… Ok.

Ginny: Mummy, have you seen my psycho Barbie doll? She left the room.
Molly: Oh dear.
*Barbie doll attacks Harry*
Barbie: Mmm…. Juicy boy.
Harry: Eep!
Ron: No! *Grabs the doll but it bit him and then Ginny dives for her. Harry rolls out and Ginny smacks into the floor*
Barbie: Hee hee hee, Die piggies!
Harry: Avonia Actabae! *Knocks Barbie away*
*Ginny scoops her up and places her in the restraint and shoved her wiggling body into the cell*
Harry: Hi.
Ginny: *Hearts is beating out of her heart and floating up her head and tongue rolling over the floor*
Molly: Don't wet the floor.
Ron: Knock it off Ginny.
*She runs away*
Harry: What did I do?
Ron: That's Ginny. She's been talking about you all summer. And making noise in the bedroom.
Molly: *Smacks him in the head*
Molly: How dare you say that to our guest? Harry, want more sausages?
Harry: That's ok. I'm full.
Arthur: Hello pixies.
Fred: We're not pixies. Hello Dad.
Arthur: Nine raids. Nine!
Harry: Nine?
Ron: he works at the boring department of ministry of magic.
Harry: That sucks.
*Arthur sits down and notices Harry*
Arthur: Who are you? What the devil are you doing in my house?
Harry: I'm Harry Potter sir.
Arthur: Good lord. Are you really? Well Ron's told me all about you of course.
Ron: There was about the dress he wore.
Harry: It was a joke. I don't wear dresses.
Arthur: That's funny, I thought I saw Ron worn a Xena costume and yelled like her.
Ron: Dad!
Harry: In that play I dressed up in a disguise to get out of France and got my head loped off.
Arthur: Elly? Cool. When did He get here?
Molly: This morning. Your sons flew that enchanted car to surrey and back last night.
Fred: Actually it was morning when we came back. Pretty early in the morning.
Arthur: That was very stupid! Never fly that precious car of mine! My precious. My own…. My… Precious.
Ron: Ok, Gollum whatever you say.
Arthur: How dare you! Now Harry, you know a lot about muggles, what does your parents do?
Harry: My parents are dead.
Arthur: *Begins to cry* I'm soooo sorry.
Molly: He never knew about it 12 years ago.
Arthur: It was twelve years ago?
Molly: Yes idiot. He was a baby that time.
McGonagall: *Out of no where* Well I did say all children will know about Harry Potter. Not every single adults would. That included Arthur. Tee Hee!
Errol: *Singing* I got a lovely bunch of coconuts… *Smashes into the window* Oooh. How embarrassing. Ah damn. Now everyone saw that.
Harry: Well it's for a good laugh. *Laughs*
Percy: *With bed head* Letter from Dumbledore. He knows you're here Harry.
Harry: Is that bad?
Percy: No.
Arthur: How did he know?
Molly: Dumbledore is mysterious and he never misses a trick.
Arthur: Not fair!
Molly: *Punches Arthur out* Now we will not listen to his blabber. Son of a bitch. These things may be expensive but we'll manage. To Diagon Alley we go.

Molly: We're gonna go through Floo powder. Go on Harry.
Harry: T-through there?
Molly: Yes. Come on.
Ron: But Harry never traveled through floo powder before mum.
Harry: How did you know?
Ron: You told me before remember?
Harry: Oh, we can't we just use the car?
Molly: Why don't you show Harry how it's done Ron?
Harry: What about the car? We can all fit in there and get to Diagon Alley.
Ron: It's faster this way.
Harry: But I don't wanna go. I want to fly in the car and get there. It's fun to fly in there.
Fred: Harry, just pay attention.
Ron: Diagon alley. *Burst of flames wrapped Ron and disappears.*
Harry: Aaaaaaa! Noooooooo! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! Please, I rather be too sick than go in there!
Fred: Oh calm down! You won't feel anything! It's hundred percent safe!
Harry: Are you sure?
Fred: I'm positive.
Harry: Only fools are positive.
Fred: Are you sure?
Harry: No, I'm just kidding now let's just go through this flu powder.
Fred: It's floo.
Harry: Floo, Flu who cares. *Drops the floo powder* Knockturn Alley!
Fred: Oh shit, he did not go there!


*Harry comes out in Knockturn alley. And plays with gadgets*
Harry: Gosh, did I say something wrong? Oh damn. My glasses is broken. Oh what the use, I'll just play with things like a kid in a evil store. Why didn't I land in adult store? Oops. I mean Book store.
Hand: Hey kid, do you know what I am?
Harry: Yeah, you shake other people's … Emmm… I'll just pass.
Draco passes the window and sees a skull*
Draco: All I want for Christmas is a shrunken head.
Mr. Malfoy: *To a guy* Joy to the frickening world. *To Draco* Draco.
Draco: Damn. Coming father.
*Harry walks out the store and the lady comes over looking scary and ugly*
Woman: Hello dearie. Are you lost??
Harry: AAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!! *Runs into the crowd*
Harry: Oh shit, now my life is officially over! Now they are gonna gang rape me and do ugly stuff! I'm only twelve!
Hagrid: HEY! He's twelve ok, leave him be or I call the police. Or worse, the AURORS!
People: Ah fuck. *Leaves. Harry comes to Hagrid*
Harry: Thanks for that. What you doing down there?
Hagrid: I was looking for slug repellents. They're ruining the old school cabbages. Pretty dodgy place here Harry.
Harry: Well I only said Knockturn alley so I can freak the Weasleys out. Never meant to go in there.

Hermione: Harry! Hagrid! What did you do to your glasses? Ocilis Reparo. It's not against the rule is it?
Hagrid: Nah. No muggles here. It's fine.
Harry: Hi Mrs. Weasley.
Molly: Never do that again! Are you ok Harry? Just try not to GIVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK! Sorry for that my dear. SPLIT FUCKING PERSONALITY!
Harry: oooooook.
Ron: Mum fancies him.
Molly: shut up Ronald Wesley! I don't like to admit it but HE'S FUCKING HOT!!
Ron and Harry: o.O
Ginny: *Stares at Harry and drools over the books*
Harry: *Is freaked out*
Ron: Go away Ginny.
*Ginny bawls and runs away*
Announcer: Gilderoy Lockhart.
*Claps and Lockhart appears. Molly drools&
Lockhart: Hey, hey, hey you might remember me from such tale about as in Gagging the ghouls, bitchslapping banshees, vaking love to vampires, whacking the werewolves, and my new magical bullshits of me.
Reporter: Gang way, daily prophet. *Smacks his face into the bystander who happens to be the author and he rips him from limbs to limbs.*
Me: That'll teach you, you miserable bastard.
Lockhart: couldn't be Harry Potter!
*He grabs him and then Harry gets hurt and tangled and he is frightened.*
Hagrid: Somebody call the freaking child abuse department!
Ron: Harry!!
Harry: GET ME OUT OF HERE! GANG RAPING CHILD MOLESTERS! AAAAAAA!
Lockhart: People, what an extraordinary moment this is. Me and Harry, make the front page. God, he only wants my autobiography book magical me. He had no idea, he would get the complete stack of my books. I'm attending Hogwarts to teacher.
Harry: nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Draco: Hmm…. *Spits on Gilderoy's head and he turns up and another spit lands in the eye*
Lockhart: Aaaaaa! It burns!!!
Draco: YES! I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad. You know it. I know it.
*Everything soon goes insane and Harry and the gang co moved to the door*.
Draco: Bet you love that didn't you Potter? Famous Harry Potter. Which is something I am very jealous of. You are some critic that takes pleasure of being on every damn page of every books when opportunity rises.
Ginny: Oh it's because he's madly in love with me.
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAA!
Ginny: Oh no, I lost my homicidal Ken.
*Ken jumps on Draco and attacks him. Draco flicks him away and he came back. Draco threw him across the wall and then stomps it. Ken is dead*
Draco: Rule number one: Never get toys that kills. Because that is what I want to do! Not the toys!! Mwuahahahahahahahahaha!
Lucius: There, Draco, play nicely. Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy. Forgive me…
Harry: Don't touch me! I been through enough being raped twice just few minutes ago.!!
Lucius: Damn. I mean… How unfortunate. That scar is so legendary. So is the one who gave it to you.
Harry: How is Voldemort legendary? He's a stupid homicidal maniac who has no parents and is a big ugly butt fucker.
Lucius: How dare you?
Hermione: It's true. And besides, you are commander of his stupid gang.
Mr. Weasley: Children, it's mad in here. We must get out of here. Your mum is nuts. Trying to unbutton Lockhart's pants.
Mr. Malfoy: Mr. Weasley
Mr. Weasley: aaaaa! A freaky Blondie! Blondes are scary!
Harry: He sure is. In fact they all are.
Mr. Malfoy: Grangers. The company you keep is so pathetic. I seen better shit than this.
Mr. Weasley You're a disgrace to the wizardry! you should die! Aaaaa! *Runs away*
Mr. Malfoy: My god. You people are so… *Leaves*.
Draco: See you at school. *Raises eye brows at Ron and Harry*
Harry: Now with that eyebrow issue…

Arrives the Express and the four kids goes inside and two parents goes in. Ron and Harry stood there*
Ron: On your mark, Get set, go!
*Ron and Harry crash into the wall.*
Ron: Damn! The stupid wall was blocking us! Now we missed the train!
Harry: Damn.
Ron: Let's go steal the car.
Harry: Ok!
Harry: Ron I have a suggestion, won't the muggles see a flying car and get us in trouble?
Ron: Oh, right. *Turns on invisibility booster*

*Car is visible this time*
Ron: Oh no, the invisibility boost must be faulted.
Harry: We have to go lower. We have to find the train.
*As they fly down, Ron farted*
Harry: Good lord! That was the awful smell ever! *Rolls the window open and sticks his head out*
Ron: Now we have to find the train. It can't be far behind
*Train whistles*
Harry: Did you hear that?
Ron: we must be getting close. But where is it?
Hedwig: *Turns to see a train* Eeeeek! No! I'm too pretty to dieeeeeeee!!
Harry and Ron: Aaaaaaaaa! *Car spins around under the bridge and then Harry slides out of the car*
Ron: Harry! Hold on!
Harry: This is the worst time of my life!!!!!!!
Ron: Take my hand!
*Harry grabs his hand but slips*
Ron: Hold on!
Harry: I'm trying! Your hands are all sweaty!
*Pulls Harry in*
Harry: God, I wonder what I did wrong..
Ron: Yeah.

*We see the Hogwarts castle*
Ron: Welcome home.
*Car starts to sputter and die*
Harry: We're gonna dieeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
*Ron tries to stop the car with the wand and it snapped in half*
Ron: My wand. Look at my wand!
Harry: Here, let me use mine. *but the tree trunk hits them*
Ron: *In very high pitch voice* What's happening?
Ron: Drive! Move you stupid car!
*Car rears and they get the ground and the tree falls down and gets itself up. Car rejects Ron and Harry*
Harry: Life is so bad! God this world is hell!! *Bird cage hits him in the head* *Scabber's cage pelts into Ron's stomach*

Filch: Oh dear. We're in trouble. *Spots two kids on the floor unconscious.* Well wake up! Time for you to get to Snape's office.
Harry: Just let me die!
Filch: I can be very scary in horror flicks. But now I am in a kid flick. Potter movie.
Ron: But it shouldn't be for kids. I been swearing my ass off! Bloody hell!!
Filch: Ok, a family movie. There. So let's go visit Snape where he might, I so deeply hoping, that he's finished with fooling with Madam Pomfrey.
Harry: Aaaaaaa! Bad hentai images!
Ron: *Pukes*

Snape: *To Pomfrey* You're awful! I had better shit than this! You awful! Get out of here bitch! *She leaves and Snape turns to the boys*
Harry: Bad Hentai image!
Snape: Tee hee hee. Now, the muggles saw you flying a car and now you damaged a precious Whomping willow that been around since before you were born. Which we will find out why. Mwuahahahahahahahaha! No wait. This is wrong. Damn you Lupin!
Remus: You all will soon find out about me. The author decide to bring me here because I'm the best! I'm the best! Tee hee!
Lockhart: But I am the best! And I had a greatest sex ever!
Harry and Ron: Our virgin ears!!! Aaaaa! This can't be happening!
Lupin: Kamehameha!
*Blasts Lockhart away*
Lupin: Hell, I always wanted to do this since watching dragon ball Z.
Goku: It's cool.
Vegeta: Shut up and fight me Kakarotto!
Gohan: Masenko HA!
*The Anime characters began fighting and swearing*
Snape: We need to get on with the script.
Harry: Well one with Pomfrey with you isn't in the script.
Snape: Stay out of my sex life!
Both boys: Aaaaaaa! Virgin ears!! Now it's ruined!
Snape: Silence. Where would you be if you were in my house? You would be…. EXPELLED! But lucky for you McGonagall was the one with that happy power.
McGonagall: And I say you're not expelled. But you will be getting detention. And Snape, to my office please.
Both: Aaaaaaaaaaaa!
McGonagall: No I am not going to do that. Silly boys. Now go to your dormitory.
Harry: I been through a lot!
Ron: Hey so have I!

Ron: *Taping his wand* We're doomed!!
Harry: You're doomed.
Ron: No you and I are doomed. Not just me.
Harry: you nearly got me killed, and you flew that car over here. Now what? You're getting a howler. A worst thing yet to come!!!
*A camera snaps and Harry startles*
Colin: Hi Harry. I'm Colin creepy stalking Creevey. And now I will stalk you! I'm possessed.
Harry: Oh dear kami! Get me out of here!!!
Dean: Hey Ron, here's the howler.
Harry: This would be funnier if it were Anime.
*He got his wish and the world is Anime and the owl starts to fly*
Errol: Excuse me, coming through. Watch aaaaaa! *Crashes into the bowl of chips*
Ron: Bloody bird's a menace.
Errol: What was that? I meant to do that! I'm not crazy! I'm not a psycho. Get out of my way! I'm gonna go to the owlery and cry. Wait, owls don't cry. They never deliver letters either or crash into chips and windows.
Ron: Oh kami! *Ron began to act scared in anime style as the howler began screaming*
Howler: RONALD WEASLEY! HOW COULD YOU TRY GETTING HARRY KILLED! YOU SHOULD NEVER HURT OUR GUESTS! NOW I SHALL PUNISH YOU! BUT RIGHT NOW I AM BUSY WITH YOUR FATHER!
Ron: *Sweatdrop*
Harry: You're doo…
*Ron punches him out*
*Hermione laughs and falls down in anime style*
.
Sprout: Hello class. Tell me, what is the property of the mandrake's roots?
Hermione: It's a ugly thing that screams and annoys the hell out of us. It also kills us with screaming. But good thing is, you have to wait until they mature and then chop them up to tiny pieces and start putting them in potion so you can restore the kids who will soon be petrified.
Harry: good job, you just let out the fact that the mandrakes are part of the plot!
Hermione: Oh shimatta!
Cho: *Gasp* You swore in Japanese!
Ron: Well she is the brains.
Sprout: Ummm. I don't know what to say… 10 points to Gryffindor because I don't care. You grasp the mandrake firmly and you pull them sharply out of the ground.
*Mandrake screams*
*Neville fainted*
Seamus: oh man, now Neville died!
Sprout: No he just fainted.
Seamus: Oh. Never mind then.
*Draco tickles the mandrake and it bites*
Draco: OW! You brat! You don't challenge me! I am the menacing homicidal maniac! Not you!
*Everyone sweat drop in anime style*

Lockhart: Welcome! I am Lockhart, Have you also read my book, Yelling with the yeti? Well now I set these pixies loose and let you do what you should do.
Seamus: Cornish pixies?
Lockhart: Freshly caught Cornish Pixies.
*Everyone laughed and Lockhart looked offended*
Lockhart: Laugh if you want. But the pixies can be tricky devilish little blighters. Let's see what you make of them
*Pixies fly off and Neville hung onto the chandelier, and Lockhart casts a nonworking spell and the pixie took it away and He runs away*
Ron: What do we do now?
*Hermione shouts a spell and the pixies froze*
Neville: Why is it always me?

Oliver: Let's go straight onto that field and practice some Quidditch. What the… Ah fuck. Come on, don't tell me you scheduled your practice today. Come on, we had this Field first.
Flint: Ah go kiss my ass.
Oliver: Hey, I think I recognized your ancestors. Know them? They are the Trolls. No wonder you look like them.
Flint: Is that so pretty boy?
Oliver: You're just jealous because I don't have trollish look on me. I'm cute and have a sexiest accent!
Draco: No I am! And I have the sexiest accent ever!
Flint: Meet, Malfoy. A new seeker we are up to train. And besides, his father bought us broomsticks. How generous of him.
Oliver: Yeah. It is really disgusting. We got to train. You and your new 'seeker' clear off!
Ron: Nimbus 2001? Curse you! I hate you even more!
Draco: Why am I not surprised?
Hermione: No Gryffindor are stupid to even buy their way in like you retards. They got in through pure talents.
Draco: No one asks your opinions you disgusting mudblood!
Ron: You'll pay for that one! Eat slugs!
*Wand backfires and Ron starts to feel badly sick*
Hermione: Ron are you alright? Say something!
*Ron vomits all over the place.*
Hermione: UGH!
Colin: Wow. Can you turn him around Harry?
Harry: NO! *Punches Colin out*
Everybody: YAY!!!
Ron: Oh why now? Waaaaaa! *Pukes*

Hagrid: Better let 'em out Ron. *Hands a bucket and Ron pukes* It takes a while. Hell, Lupin came by and told me about Lockhart being so bullshit everyday.
Harry: Tell me about it.
Hermione: You're being unfair.
Harry: Unfair? Hermione, he's a goddamn retard who wrote cock and ball stories and went around swinging.
Hagrid: I heard that one. He tried to get it on with…
All three: Nooo!! Not our sweet virgin ears!!
Hagrid: Sorry. And who did Ron tried to curse on?
Hermione: Draco calls me a mud blood!
Hagrid: HE DIDN'T! I'll rip him limb to limb!
Harry: The author did that to the photographer. But don't try to hurt Draco. He is just an idiot. Not worth it.
Hagrid: Ah you're right. Hermione, Being a muggle born doesn't mean anything. Most of the wizards are muggle borns than there are pure bloods.

Lockhart: Oh Harry, I don't blame you. Course I kick myself for giving you publicity. Now I tell you, Fame is a fickle friend Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that.
Harry: god make it stop!
Basilisk: Ieeeee haaaassss sssssaaaaxxxx!
Harry: aaaaaaaa! Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Lockhart: Yes? Want something? Goodness gracious, it's been four hours. Lucky you.
Harry: I'm off!!
*In the hall*
Basilisk: Seeeexxxx!
Harry: Stop that!!
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: AAAAA!
Ron: What?
Basilisk: sssssssss…
Harry: It's moving!
*Runs down the corridor and sees the line of spiders*
Harry: Ever seen spiders act this way?
Hermione: No.
Harry: Have you Ron? Ron?
*Sees Ron screaming and running away*
Ron: I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!
*The trio now sees the sign 'Chamber of secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware'*
Draco: Enemies of the heir beware? Come on, I can make better threat than this corny line!!!
Harry: Oh my god.
*sees a petrified cat, Mrs. Norris*
Mrs. Norris: Mwuahahahahahahaha!
Filch: Make way! Mrs. Norris? You murdered my cat!
Harry: No I didn't! I was framed!
Filch: I'll kill you!
Draco: *Beats up Filch* Hey, I kill people around here. Not you! I'm the …
Hermione: Menacing psychopathic maniac.
Draco: Close enough.
Dumbledore: She's all petrified. But how I can not say.
Lockhart: I know a very counter curse that could have saved her.
Snape: That is so bullshit.
Lupin: Damn straight. It's the work of a dark wizard. No one could have caused this.
Lockhart: I knew that.
Harry: buuulllll craaaappp!
Snape: I wonder why the three were around here. And not in the great hall stuffing themselves like thanksgiving turkeys.
Trio: Virgin ears!!!!

McGonagall: Ok, today, we shall teach you how to turn animals into goblets.
*McGonagall turns the bird into goblet*
McGonagall: Now Ron, let's see you do it.
Ron: Do I have any choice? My wand is broken.
McGonagall: That is nothing I can do about. Now do it.
*Ron turns him into a furry cup with a tail*
McGonagall: What a pity.
Hermione: Tell us about the chamber of secrets!
McGonagall: there are four people who came to build this place and They named your common rooms after themselves. Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin, Slytherin complains and wants purebloods only. But the other three likes any children into school so Slytherin left. Leaving a small present behind. No one knows where the chamber is. It is said to be the home of somewhat only the heir of Slytherin can control. It says to be the home of a monster.

Hermione: Oh dear me, who would want to kill muggle born?
Ron: well let's think… hey don't touch me there!
Pansy: Excuse me mister hot pants!
Ron: Let's think, who here thinks that the muggles are scum.
Hermione: How can muggles be scums? That is stupid.
Ron: Well Draco is a likely suspect.
Hermione: Let's go into the library for the book and try to make a difficult potion.
*In the library*
Hermione: Here it is. It needs Bicorn Horn and Boomslangs. We can steal them from Snape. We'll just break fifty school rules. Take a bit of the Slytherins and turn into them. But you have one hour.
Harry: That sucks.
Hermione: This is Dangerous. And It takes one month to make.
Harry: A month! Then the Heir will take over the school. Why oh why does this life have to suck!!

Ron: are we suppose to be here? I definitely think not. This is a girl's bathroom!
Hermione: Oh Ron, no one will be in here. Moaning Myrtle haunts a toilet here. And besides no one comes here. They are so frightened that the fact she stares at people's…
Both boys: Virgin ears!
Ron: and besides who is moaning myrtle??
Myrtle: I am moaning myrtle! I suppose you like that! No one ever knows Myrtle! Who would ever remember the poor ugly, miserable, moaning myrtle? *Hiccups and cries. Then wails as she flies into her toilet*
Ron: Huh?
Hermione: She's a little sensitive.

*Dah ta da da! A Quidditch match begins and Harry nearly gets his head taken off!*
Draco: All right there scarhead?
Harry: I bet you like that eh Malfoy? I'll whop your ass!
Draco: Bring it on bitch!
*bludger flies past Harry and passed Oliver.*
Oliver: What it Harry!
Harry: Look out!!
*Oliver sees the bludger and breaks his broom*
Oliver: Oh shit! Not again!
*The bludger breaks the broom and sends Oliver spinning down. Harry dodges it and flies all over the pitch and the bludger breaks through the stands*
Staff: Eee! Are you sure this stand ain't gonna fall down?
People in other stand: Oh shit. We're gonna die!
Snape: Ah will you people shut up?.
*Stands creaks. The stand moves a bit. Everyone tenses up and looks at Snape glowering. Snape looked bewildered*
Draco: Training for ballet potter?
*Snitch flies over Draco's head*
Harry: *Thinking* If I could just advert my eyes, Draco will not know I am looking at the snitch.
Draco: *Thinking* What is he thinking?
Harry: Bonzai!
*The bludger flies passed the blonde and then Harry goes for the snitch. Draco follows*
*Colin stands in the field*
*Then the bludger takes Colin's head and the crowd cheers*
*Hagrid: blimey! Harry's got himself a Rogue bludger!
Ron: I'll stop it!
Hermione: Oh really? How will you get the bludger from afar? It will be too far away and you will hit the stands!
Ron: But… But…
Hermione: no butts.
*The bludger blocks Draco off and Draco want sailing into the air and tumbling painfully and gasps and falls down*
Draco: Aargh. damnit. *Faints*
Lucius: Oh kami.
*Bludger breaks Harry's arm and Harry caught the snitch and lands*
Harry: Ah crud!
Lee: He caught the snitch! Gryffindor wins!
*The bludger rams into the ground when Harry flipped to his side and another and then sat up but the bludger banged into his… groin*
Harry: Aaaarrrgggghhh! *Faints*
Lockhart: Oh Harry, I'll fix your arm! I'll fix your arm. I done this countless times!
Harry: *Wakes up* Aaaaa! Help me! Somebody get this evil pervert from hell away!!!
Lockhart: Ok, *Debones Harry*
Harry: Eeewww… Lockhart has a sickest mind in the universe!
Lockhart: yeah well that happens sometimes. But the thing is, the bones are not broken.
Hagrid: No, but there's no fucking bones left!
Lupin: My god. I was too late to stop this. But not too late to kick his ass! *Started attacking Lockhart and Draco was passed out and couldn't do anything*
Ron: Let's just take him to the hospital wing.

*Draco moans*
Pomfrey: Malfoy, you're fine now get to class.
Draco: You're next on my list!
Pomfrey: What?
Draco: Nothing.
Harry: Ha, coward.
Draco: Lest I didn't get my balls squished.
Harry: Ah at least I didn't have to lay down eagle spread!
Draco: Yes you did too! Shut up!
*Harry sees a needle Madam Pomfrey set on the table. Harry starts screaming*
Harry: A needle! No, don't! Let me out of here! Let me out of here! Please, I rather be too sick to get a needle!
Draco: Oh will you shut up already?!
Pomfrey: I'm not giving you a needle.
Harry: *Relaxes* Oh, never mind then.
Pomfrey: Take this skele-gro.
Harry: *Takes a sip and then spits*
Pomfrey: Oh what now?
Harry: You didn't tell me it burns!
Pomfrey: Well what did you expect? Pumpkin juice?
*Draco laughs*
Harry: Oh you're going down you baka.
Draco: You know Japanese?
Harry: Indeed I do.

*Harry wakes up and hears the basilisk. Sees Dobby*
Dobby: Me back! *Just sits there and there's an awkward silence*
Harry: Don't tell me. You never read the script.
Dobby: Oh that was the script? Well I just wiped my ass with it.
Harry: Great, this is far worse than having to help Ron get those foods out of his arse.
Dobby: *Looks frightened* Ronald Weasley stuck his food where?!
Harry: Well you are suppose to tell me I should have gone home when I missed the train and that you sent the bludger to send me home injured.
*Dobby says the line*
Harry: Now you have nearly got me and Ron expelled.
Dobby: Lest you be home safe!
Harry: There's nothing safe about being with the Dursleys! Do you have any idea how evil they are? They belted me.
Dobby: Better there than here. And I hoped my bludger would have hurt you enough to sent you home.
Harry: You make that Bludger take after me?
Dobby: Yes. So grievously sorry. But I was such an idiot.
Harry: Argh you missed it up again! You better beat it before my arm grows back or I might strangle you!
Dobby: Why not pick somebody your own size?
Harry: Dobby, Just go back and read the script very carefully and come back and let's say them. Now you are fucking up the fucking film!!! *Dobby does and returns fourteen hours later*
Harry: Don't tell me, you went off, did nasty shit with your girlfriends and got yourself beaten up by the Malfoys and acted like a jerk to everyone and took lesson with Yoda on force and then now you read the script.
Dobby: Yes. Yes, I did. Sorry. you should go home! Now the History is to repeat itself. Now that the Chamber is opened again. *Gasp* Shouldn't have said that! *Took the vodka and drank deeply*
Harry: No moron! Hit your head with the skele gro.
Dobby: *does so*
*Harry took the bottle away and grabbed Dobby*
Harry: I'm not leaving. My friend will be the first to go if the chamber is really opened. Tell me Dobby! Now!
Dobby: No, I mustn't. I want you safe.
Harry: No, I need to know now.
*Dobby snaps fingers and disappears*


Dumbledore: Another attack! *Holds the severed head onto the boy's shoulder.*
McGonagall: I don't know why we should care. He is dead.
Dumbledore: Well, we just pretend he was petrified ok?
McGonagall: What has happened?
Dumbledore: It means Hogwarts is no longer safe. The chamber has been indeed opened. Again.
Harry: Again? Oh lord.
Dumbledore: shhh. Now, we should just dump the body somewhere.
McGonagall: ok.

Lockhart: Hi you all, today we shall do dueling. Well these days was young like you I learned…
Lupin: Shut up!
Lockhart: Fine fine, Anyhow, My assistant Professor Snape.
Lupin: Snape? Assistant? *Laughs and rolls on the floor holding his sides*
Snape: I'm your Colleague. Not your assistant.
Lockhart: He has told me he knows a tiny bit about Dueling. Now we shall duel.
*They face off and walked.*
Lockhart: 1...2...3!
Snape: Final flash!!
*Lockhart went flying*
Lupin: Ooooh. Doing Dragon ball Z style.
Goku: That is the baddest stuff to do.
Vegeta: How dare he uses that ki blast?
Hermione: Is he all right?
Ron: Who cares?
Gohan: I don't think anybody does.
Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Lockhart: *Shaken* Nice one Snape. But I could just stop that easily. But I just want to show that to everyone.
Vegeta: You want to show everyone how remarkably stupid you are!
Snape: Indeed. I agree with Vegeta. Now, you should teach them how to block.
Lockhart: An excellent suggestion professor Snape.
Snape: That's no suggestion you retard!
Lupin: Yeah, that is just simply a command. He's telling you to do that. Doubts that you could even do anything.
Goku: *Laughs and points at Lockhart*
Lockhart: Well then, any volunteer up there? Potter, Weasley. How about you?
Snape: I don't think so. Time to split up a dream team. Mr. Malfoy? Care to demonstrate your ability to Mr. Potter?
Draco: Thrashing you will be a treat! *Gleam in his eyes*
*Motions for Draco to move up and Harry moves onto Draco*
Draco: Scared Potter?
Harry: Yoooou Wish.
Lockhart: Only to disarm please!
Draco: Final flash! *Harry jumps very high and does flips*
Draco: Curse you Potter! Big bang attack!
Harry: Masenko HA!
Draco: Final flash!
Harry: Ka…
Draco: Oh you don't even fucking think about it!
Harry: Me…
Draco: Stop!
Harry: Ha…
Draco: Big bang attack!
Harry: Me…
*The blast misses Harry and he continues the blast*
Harry: Ha!
Draco: Kamehameha!
*Their blast hits together and grows. The crowd expands*
Vegeta: Oh Kruse!
Draco: Ah FUKKA! *Losses the battle and hits on his ass.
Vegeta: Oh boy.
*Draco began to weep silently and has angry face on him*
Snape: Get up.
*Draco gets up and pulls out a light saber. Harry pulled his too. They bowed and began their skills. Obi wan, Anakin and Qui gon Jinn came to watch*
*Harry runs up the wall and does a major back flip*
Neo: Hey, he stole my move!
*The lights flashes as they went lightning speed*
Ron: Shit me!
Vegeta: No way!
Goku: Now that is powerful!
Draco: *Stops and began to power up. Trying to go Super mage* Yaaaaaa!!!!!!
Harry: Hoooooooooo!
*Crowd expanded and then the two duelists began battling it out to the death*
Snape: Oh this was bad!
Lockhart: I could do better than this.
Lupin: Bullshit. *Attacks Lockhart*
*Then the two boys moved up on Super mage two*
Vegeta: Oh my kami. They are not serious!
Gohan: They're serious!
Piccolo: Such power!
Krillin: I never felt it this way!
*Moves to Super mage three*
*The whole school began to see this*
Goku: No way!
Snape: I guess I shouldn't have encouraged them both. Fuck this. *Runs away*
Dumbledore: Oh dear.
McGonagall: Can't you do something?
Dumbledore: 'fraid not. They have to stop at their own accord.
Pomfrey: I guess I should get the beds ready and the medicines too.
Dumbledore: You do that.
Draco: Die Potter!
Harry: To hell with you!
*Goes super mage four*
Draco: Big bang attack!
Harry: Kamehameha!
Draco: Expelliarmus
Harry: Expelliarmus!
Draco: Stupefy!
Harry: Rictasempra!
Draco: *Mutters the snake charm*
*The snake hisses*
Lockhart: Allow me to get rid of it for you.
Harry: No! *Speaks parseltongue*
*The snake hisses and looks at Justin and began to hover closely*
*Harry speaks in parseltongue again and the snake hisses back at Harry but Harry shook his head slightly. Snape was back and vaporized the snake*

Ron: You're a parseltongue? Why didn't you tell us?
Harry: what? I know I could talk to snakes but Parseltongue? What, anyone could talk to snakes right?
Hermione: It's not a common thing. Being able to speak in parseltongue is what Salazar Slytherin is famous for.
Harry: What's bad if I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin?
Ron: I heard you spoke in parseltongue. Snake language.
Harry: Snake language? How can I speak in that language without knowing it?
Hermione: It was a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be.

Harry: *After getting stares from suspicious Students*
Harry: I'll be in the common room.
*Sees Nick petrified and Justin*
Filch: Aaah! 'Nother attack. McGonagall!
Harry: No. Mr. Filch. Y-you don't understand!
*sees spiders crawling up the window. McGonagall enters.*
Harry: McGonagall. I swear. I didn't do it.
McGonagall: This is out of my hands Potter. *Gets to the gargoyle* Professor Dumbledore will be waiting for you.
*Harry walks into the office and sees a Sorting hat.*
Hat: hello Potter.
Potter: I wanted to ask if you put me in the right house.
Hat: Course I did you idiot. Surely enough you are difficult. But I stand what I said last year. You would have done well in Slytherin.
Harry: You're wrong.
Hat: Oooh. Cheeky brat. Like your father.
Harry: Was he this difficult?
Hat: Well…. Um… maybe.
Harry: Horse crap.
*Sees Fawkes*
Harry: Wow. Pretty bird.
Fawkes: Indeed I am pretty. Now watch me burst into flames! Mwuahahahahahahahaha!. *Bursts into flame*
Dumbledore: Harry?
Harry: Professor! Your bird! I couldn't do anything!
Dumbledore: Course you couldn't do anything! He's a phoenix. It's his time to die alright. Now, Harry he will soon be reborn from the ashes.
Harry: Whoa. Weird.
Dumbledore: Yeah, I know. And they have healing tears and can carry massive heavy loads. Now I want to ask if there is something you want to tell me…
Hagrid: Professor Dumbledore Sir. Professor Dumbledore wait. It can't be Harry. I would stand against the ministry if I had to.
Dumbledore: Hagrid.
Hagrid: You got the wrong boy!
Dumbledore: Hagrid!
Hagrid: Take him away and muggle borns won't stand a chance!
Dumbledore: HAGRID!!
Remus: *Snores then wakes up with a start* Oh my. I over slept. Wild party it was at the dueling.
Dumbledore: I am sure, Harry, hasn't attacked these people.
Hagrid: Oh, I guess I will wait out the door.
Remus: Hee, hee. So embarrassing.
Harry You don't believe I did this?
Dumbledore: Nah. You're too innocent. Anyhow, Is there anything you want to tell me?
Harry: No. Sorry. Nothing.
Dumbledore: Nothing? Nothing, tra, la la??
Harry: Yeah well… I was here just to show the audience the office of yours.
Dumbledore: Oh well that's nice of you but you need to leave. I'm quite… Busy.
Harry: Aaaa! My sweet virgin ears!
Dumbledore: Harry…
Harry: No!
Dumbledore: Harry…
Harry: No!
Dumbledore: Harry listen!
Harry: You and who else?
Dumbledore: I'm only doing my work. I'm not doing nasty stuff.
Harry: AAAAAAAAAA!!!! *Runs out screaming*
Remus: Smart move professor. Well… um… nap time for me. *Snores*

*as the trio got together, Hermione got the two sleeping draught muffins*
Hermione: Ok, these here is the sleeping draught muffins. All you need to do is put these two where Goyle and Crabbe and find them. Then take their hairs and meet me in the bathroom.
Ron: Who's hair you ripping out.
Hermione: I already got mine. Mrs. Bulstrode. She left this on my clothes and soon we will be three Slytherins and we'll ask Malfoy everything. Just make sure Crabbe and Goyle find these.
*Ron and Harry stood behind a stastue and Ron clears his throat and raises his wand*
Harry: Wait. You won't want to be coughing more slugs.
Ron: Right.
Harry: Wingardium Leviosa.
*two muffins rose in the air. The two hid behind and watched Crabbe and Goyle found them and ate them. Passed out*
Ron: How stupid can you get you dick wads? Yeah, I'm gonna piss on you, fart in your mouth and shit on these walls!
Harry: RON?!
Ron: Kidding. *Laughs*
*They entered the bathroom and added the hairs. Then drank it*
Ron: I'm gonna be sick.
Hermione: Me too.
Harry: hmmm…. Weird taste. Ugh! I feel like exploding! *Seems hand bubbles* Aaaaaah! Noooooo! *sees himself as Goyle* Whoa.
Ron/Crabbe: Harry?
Goyle: Ron.
Goyle: Whoa. Bloody hell
Harry: You have to make it sound deeper.
Ron: *deep* Bloody hell.
Harry: Excellent.
Ron: This is weird.
Harry: Hermione, are you ready?
Hermione: I don't think I can go! You go ahead without me.
Harry: Hermione, are you ok?
Hermione: Just go, you're wasting time!
Harry: Eesh. What a bitch.
Hermione: I heard that!!!!!

Harry: I think I see a Slytherin go this way.
Percy: Hey!
Ron: What are you… What are you doing here?
Percy: I happen to be a school prefect. And you have no business running around the corridors these days. Your names?
Draco: Crabbe! Goyle! Where ye been? What's with the Glasses?
Goyle: Oh, for reading.
Draco: Reading? I didn't know you could read. *To Percy* What are you doing here… Weasley?
Percy: Mind your attitude.
Draco: Want a piece of me?
Percy: Get to your dorms now!
Draco: Why don't you make me?
Goyle: Draco. Let's go.
*In the Slytherin Common Room*
Draco: Only time I saw you use books was for wiping your ass with the papers!
Goyle: Well I learned good values of books.
Draco: You don't even know how to think.
Crabbe: *Stares at Draco*
Draco: What are you looking at?
Crabbe: Nothing.
Draco: Doesn't look like you were looking at nothing! I'll beef you up you ass! You understand me? You stop staring at me!
Crabbe: Sorry. *adverts his eyes*
Draco: You never said sorry.
Goyle: You judge too easily.
*Draco grabs Goyle by the throat* What?!?!?!?!?!?!
Goyle: Nothing! I was yelling at my ear!
Draco: *Gives a quizzical look and a huge sneer.*
Draco: If I see you talk at me like that I will make sure you both get expelled for good.
Crabbe: We'll be good.
Draco: God what the fuck is the matter with you guys? What have you eaten? Whatever it is, it fucked up your brains!
*Ron clenches his fists*
Draco: What's wrong with you now?!
Crabbe: Stomach ache.
Draco: You never cared for stomach aches!!
Goyle: Yeah, I stole the glasses.
Draco: Why did you steal it?
Goyle: I lost mine..
Draco: You never owned one! So really, why did you use it?
Goyle: just for fun.
Draco: Soooo stupid. What's with you Crabbe?
Crabbe: Stomach ache..
Draco: *Gives a cruel look and whines* stomach ache! Stomach ache! Is that your problem now? You eat too fucking much!!!
Crabbe: Yes I do..
Draco: You never admit shit!
Crabbe: Uhhh….
Goyle: Him or me?
Draco: both of you! You're all stupid than rocks and plain fucking weird!
Pansy: What's wrong?
Draco: Fuck off!
Pansy: Motherfucker. *Leaves*.
*Draco pulls out his light saber and sliced her in pieces*
Crabbe: Uh…
*Draco chuckles madly*
Draco: now what?
Crabbe: Nothing.
Draco: You know, I'm surprised that the daily prophet hadn't inform about the attacks. Dumbledore might be trying to hush it up. Father said he was the worst person that could ever happen into this place.
Goyle: You're wrong!
Draco: *Looking suspicious* What? You think someone you know something I don't? Well do you?
Goyle: Um… Harry Potter?
Draco: Good work Goyle. Saint Potter. God he is sooo sexy… I mean… People thinks he's the Slytherins Heir. I wish I knew who it is. I could help them.
Goyle: You must have some idea who's behind this.
Draco: You know I hadn't Goyle. How many times do I have to tell you? *Shakes a present* Is this yours?
*Both boys shook head. Draco looks around and sneaks the package inside*
Draco: I do know one thing. When the chamber was opened, it was fifty years ago. And when it happened, A mud blood died. I think it's about time that it happens again. I hope it's Granger.
*Crabbe gets up and Goyle stops him*
Draco: What's the matter with you two? You been acting very… odd.
Goyle: It's his stomach ache. *To Crabbe* Settle down.
Crabbe: Your scar.
Goyle: What?
Crabbe: Your scar is showing.
Goyle: Oh crap. Your hair.
Draco: What is wrong now?
Goyle: Gotta go!
Draco: What the hell?

Harry: Hermione, come on out, we have loads to tell you!
Hermione: Go away!
Ron: what now?
Myrtle: It's dreadful.
Harry: Oh my god.
Hermione: Bullstrode has a cat. I should not assumed it was her hair! Animal transformation is not good for polyjuice potion!
Ron: number one lesson: Never guess the who's hair that was. You could be extremely wrong.
Harry: Oh ha ha.

*Two boys spoke and saw water flooding. They ran to the bathroom*
Ron: Why is all the water running?
Harry: How should I know?
*Myrtle moaning and crying*
Myrtle: Come to throw something else at me?
Harry: Somebody threw something at you?
Myrtle: They did. Here I am minding my own business. And someone thinks it's fun to throw a book at me.
Ron: Why you complaining about that? It can't hurt!
Myrtle: Oh sure! Let's all go throw books at Myrtle because it can't hurt! Ten points if you get it through her stomach! Fifty points if you get it through her head!
Harry: where was the book?
Myrtle: The book is over there. *Wails*
*Harry picks up a book.*

*Harry is back at the Common room, inspecting the book and writes in it*
Harry: My name is Harry Potter.
Tom: Hello Harry. I am Tom Riddle.
Harry: Do you know anything about the chamber of secrets?
Tom: Yes. In my days we believed it was a myth but I found it and the culprit.
Harry: Can you tell me?
Tom: No. But I can show you. Let me take you fifty years into the past.

*Harry see Tom staring at the people bringing the covered body which is Myrtle. Then Dumbledore asked for Riddle to come up.*
Dumbledore: May I ask why you're out of your dorm at this time of night?
Tom: No sir.
Dumbledore: Why not?
Tom: Oh sorry sir. I mean, Yes, I was wondering if they are closing this school?
Dumbledore: Fraud they have to. If the attacks don't stop soon, Hogwarts closed… Forever!
Tom: NO!
Dumbledore: Oh shut up. What is there you have to tell me? Is there anything?
Tom: No sir.
Dumbledore: Puh. You suck.
*Tom finds Hagrid*
Tom: What's up Hagrid?
Hagrid: What are you doing down here Tom?
Tom: It's all over. They are closing the school.
Hagrid: No! Really? Oh that is so sad.
Tom: Don't mock me you ingrate able bastard! I will find this thing that killed the girl and make sure it was so damned slaughtered!
Hagrid: No! Aragog will never hurt anyone!
Tom: Stand aside!
Hagrid: No!
*Tom mutters a spell and the tiny spider crawls away*
Hagrid: Aragog! Aragog!
Tom: You're expelled! Mwauahahahahahahahahahahaha *Coughs hacks and wheezes*
Harry: HAAAAAGRIIIIID!
*Comes out of the book*

Hermione: So Hagrid was expelled for opening the chamber of secrets? Should we ask?
Ron: Uh, sure, that will be a nice visit. "Hello Hagrid, tell us, have you been setting anything mad, and hairy lately?"
Hagrid: Mad and Hairy? You wouldn't be talking about me by the way would you?
Harry: We weren't talking about you.
Hagrid: Oh, ok then. *looks at them in awkward silence* then you three shall watch out for yourselves. *Walks away and Newville ran*
Neville: Harry, I don't know who did it but someone was in your room and it was… Well come see!
*Sees a room destroyed*
Harry: Who would have done this?
Ron: Got to be a Gryffindor. No one else knows our password.
Harry: Tom's diary. It's gone.

Oliver: Let's go fly the brooms, up to the highest height! Let's go fly the broom and whop some Hufflepuff ass! Hello McGonagall.
McGonagall: The Quidditch match is being cancelled.
Oliver: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *McGonagall punches him*
McGonagall: Son of a bitch. Harry, come with me. Hermione is petrified. I bet you know this?
Harry: No.
Ron: No.

McGonagall: Rules now are All students must stay in their Dormitories. All students must go to class assisted by a teacher. All students must shut the up!
Harry: Looks like I have to get my dad's cloak.
Ron: Why do I have the feeling we're gonna die this time for sure?!
Hagrid: *Hears a door knock. Grabs a crossbow* Who is there?
Harry: AAAAAAA!
Hagrid: Oops. Sorry. Thought you're an intruder. Well come in. Make ya a tea.
Harry: You hear about Hermione?
Hagrid: Yes. Poor girl.
Harry: We must ask you, do you know anything about the chamber of secrets?
Hagrid: Ok, I see where this' going… *Door knocks* Ah fuck. Hide. Oh, hello Fudge. Dumbledore Sir.
Harry: *Whispers* Fudge? What woman would name their kid fudge?
Ron: That's his last name. He's Cornelius. And he's my dad's boss.
Harry: What your dad works with a Christmas ornament?
Fudge: Very bad business, Hagrid. Very bad business. You have to come per see, Charges are on you and you have to come
Hagrid: No. Not… Azkaban!
Dumbledore: He has my full trust.
Fudge: But the charges are against him. I have to take him.
Lucius: Hello.
Hagrid: What are you doing here? Get out of my house!
Lucius: Oh please. I have no interest in being in your…
You call this a house? *Rolls on the floor laughing* House you call it eh? *Gets up with a serious look on him* I was informed Dumbledore was hiding here.
Dumbledore: I wasn't hiding here you moron. I'm here to … Shutting up.
Lucius: All twelve members signed your suspension form and you will need to leave.
Hagrid: You blackmailed them! You threatened them! How dare ye?
Lucius: Yes well you see. I came because the twelve members have signed their form and agreed to expel I mean suspend you. How many more muggle borns are gonna die this week? Dear me… I'm afraid you have… lost your touch.
Dumbledore: You* sound like a girl! 'lost your touch'.
Lucius: Ah shut up you bugger.
Dumbledore: I would be too glad to leave the school but only if those were not loyal to me. But you will find any help that can be given to those who asked for it.
*Dumbledore looks at Harry*
Harry: Aaaaaa!!
Lucius: What's that?
Hagrid: Just my radio. *Pretends to turn his radio off.
Lucius: This is so pathetic. Worst thing when I went to talk to … Molly and found her house to be very odd.
Ron: Noooooooo!
Hagrid: My TV's on! I forgot to turn it off!
Lucius: It was never on!
Hagrid: my other TV dolt.
Lucius: Well I'm not in a great mood since my son went off with this girl of his and did stuff.
Both boys: AAAAAAAA!
Lucius: Oh for god sake what is that this time?!
Draco: Oh father, I never did anything to her. I spared her from death. So shut up! It's not worse than what you and mum did.
Both boys: AAAAA! SWEET MARY AND JOSEPH!
Hagrid: And if anyone want information. Follow the spiders. And watch out. They are evil. *All left except for Harry and Ron.
Harry: Hagrid's right. With Dumbledore gone, There will be an attack a day.

Harry: You heard Hagrid. Follow the spiders.
Ron: They're heading toward the dark forest. I'm afraid of spiders. Why spiders? Why can't it be follow the butterflies?
Harry: Then it would be like saying "follow the dandelions" ugh.
Ron: Can we go back now?
Harry: No. Come on. *They venture further.*
Harry: Ron, don't panic.
Aragog: Hagrid. Is that you?
Harry: No. We're a friend of Hagrid. We came because he needs your help. Some said he let the monster out long ago. It killed someone and it must of come back.
Aragog: It was I he released. But I never hurt anyone. I never gone back.
Harry: So you're not the guardian?
Aragog: No! The spiders fears it! We run away because it was scary! Oooh! We do not speak of it! It roams the castle, killing muggle borns and we fear it because we are it's mortal enemy.
Ron: *squeaky* Harry.
Harry: *annoyed* What?
*Ron whimpers as he points up. The spiders come down and they surround the boys*
Harry: Thank you anyway, And we best be going.
Aragog: Go? I'm afraid I can not. My sons and daughters never hurt Hagrid on my command. But I can not deny them fresh meat when it wanders willingly into our midst. Good bye friend of Hagrid.
Spiders: Bite them! Bite them. Bite them. Bite them.
Harry: What we do now?!
Ron: You were the one who brought me into this!
*The car comes crashing in*
*They got into the car and saw Pyscho Barbie and Homicidal Ken running around killing the spiders. One clutches Ron's neck. Harry brought out his wand*
Harry: Avona Actabae!
Ron: Thanks for that.
Harry: Don't mention it.
*They got away and then head to the Hut*
Ron: Follow the spiders. Just follow the spiders. If Hagrid comes out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!
Harry: But he's innocent.
Ron: He was sending us straight to hell.
Harry: He never opened the chamber of secrets.
*In the hospital wing*
Harry: We need you Hermione. More than ever.
Draco: Oh god will you shut the fuck up?
Ron: What's that?
Harry: A paper. It's the basilisk. He been roaming around the pipes and killing muggles. Nick got a blast of it, Justin saw it through Nick, Mrs. Norris saw it's reflection on the water, and Hermione saw it through the mirror. And spiders flee before it.
Ron: It makes sense!
Harry: Time to be a hero again.
Draco: *Sardonic voice* Here he comes to save the day.
McGonagall: All students get back in your dorms immediately! All staffs get their arse back over to the corridor where Mrs. Norris is murdered!
McGonagall: The monster took the girl into the chamber. Now we are doom! Time to close it all up!
Lockhart: So sorry. Dozed off. What did I miss?
Snape: Everything! The girl is taken away and now it's up to you to save her!
McGonagall: Want a reign? You got it. Now go kiss your ass!
Lockhart: Oh. Ok. Very well. I better go pack up and scram.
Pomfrey: Who was taken?
McGonagall: Ginny Weasley.
*Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever. Mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!*

Ron: Ginny.
Harry: We got to get Lockhart! Lockhart, we got to tell you something! Going somewhere?
Lockhart: Yes, urgent news. Unavoidable.
Ron: What about my sister?
Lockhart: No one gives a shit about her.
Ron: Why you! *Strangles Lockhart*
Lockhart: No! I'm a fraud! I never did anything! I don't even know anything! I'm stupid! Now get away! I want to run away!!
Harry: But by running away? After all the things you done in the books? You wrote them!
Lockhart: I didn't do any of it. I'm a fraud! I freaking stole the ideas and erased their memories. It was my talent. I stole credits and use memory charms. Now, I must do the same to you.
Harry: *Points a wand* Don't.. Even… Think about it. *Motions his wand to say drop your wand.*
*They got to the bathroom*
Myrtle: What do you want?
Harry: To… Ask… You… How… You… Died.
Myrtle: *Mimics* I… Died… In… This… Very… Stall… Right… here… I… was… crying… because… Olive… Hornby… teased… me… about… my … glasses… then… I… heard… somebody … come… in! I.. Opened the door and told him to use his own bathroom and then… I DIED!!!!!
Harry: How?
Myrtle: seeing a two great yellow eyes right over there. *Pointing to the sinks*
Ron: Say something in Parseltongue.
Harry: *Mutters the snake language*
Lockhart: ahh… Very good Harry. Well done. Well I better scram! *But the boys held him back and threw him into the hole* AAAAA! Noooooo! Let me go!!!
Harry: Serves him right.
Myrtle: Oh Harry… If you died down there. You can share my toilet.
Harry: Aaaaaaaa! *Jumps in the hole. Ron followed*
*Slides into the chamber and Ron points the wand at Lockhart*
Ron: Don't even think about it. Move on.
Harry: bones, Snake skins, and bloody hell, snake shit too!
Ron: *Sees Lockhart faint* A lion heart this is..
*Lockhart grabs the wand*
Lockhart: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now, i shall erase your memories! Everyone will know my story, about how you two strategically lost your mind over the sight of her mangled body! Buh bye! Obliviate! *Flies off and gets memory erased*
Lockhart: Hello. Who are you?
Ron: I'm Ron Weasley.
Lockhart: Really? And ummm… Who am I?
Ron: Lockhart's memory charm's backfired! He hasn't got a fucking clue who the hell he is!
Lockhart: Interesting place. You live here?
Ron: No. *Smacks Lockhart with the rock*
Everybody: Yay! Go Ron, go Ron, go Ron!
Ron: What do we do now?
Harry: You stay here, and I get Ginny.

*Enters the chamber and finds Ginny*
Harry: Are you dead? Please be dead.
Tom: Oh she's not dead. Just alive. Only just.
Harry: Ok, I better take her out of here. The basilisk will come.
Tom: It won't come until it's called.
Harry: Give me my wand!
Tom: No. I like it. It's so nice.
Harry: Listen we have to go.
Tom: I'm afraid I can not do that Harry.
Harry: What you talking about?
Tom: Ginny Weasley opened the chamber. She poured herself inside my diary for months. When she tried to dispose of me, then, you have found it. The very person I am anxious to meet. So I decided to show you my brain scheme capture of that big oaf to gain your trust.
Harry: Hagrid's my friend! And you Framed him!
Tom: It was my word against Hagrid. Although Dumbledore suspects me all along after he was expelled.
Harry: Bet he saw right through you.
Tom: He kept an annoying close watch on me. I knew it wouldn't be safe to open the chamber so I decided to leave the school. Preserving my 16 year old self in this diary. Then hoping I would lead another to finish off Salazar Slytherins noble work.
Harry: But it didn't work. All muggle borns are petrified and they'll be back to normal.
Tom: Hadn't I told you? Murdering muggle borns don't matter to me anymore. Now my new target bas been… you.
Harry: nooooooooooooooooooo!
Tom: SHUT UP! Now i must ask, how is it that a baby with no extraordinary power have managed to defeat the greatest wizard?
Harry: Why do you care how I escaped? Voldemort was after your time.
Tom: Voldemort is my past, present, and future! Tom Marvolo Riddle, I am Lord Voldemort!
Harry; Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Tom: *Punches Harry* You think, I was gonna keep my filthy muggle father's name? No. I choose a name, a name I know everyone will one day fear to speak. Before I even became a greatest sorcerer in the world.
Harry: *Rubs the sore on his cheek* Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer in the world.
Tom: Dumbledore Ran from a mere memory of me.
Harry: He'll never be gone. Not as those who are loyal to him.
*Fawkes comes*
Fawkes: dum da da! Here I come to save the day!!
Tom: So this is what Dumbledore gives to this pitiful boy. A song bird and a old hat.
*Tom laughs like Vegeta*
Vegeta: Hey! Copy cat!
*Tom ignores and speaks in parseltongue. The mouth of Salazar Slytherin opens and the snake appears*
Tom: Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort Heir of Salazar Slytherin against the famous scrawny boy Harry Potter.
*The basilisk sprouts out of the mouth*
Harry: EEEWW!!! Bad mental image! Hentai! Hentai!
Tom: No one can save you now Potter!
Fawkes: dum da da! *Attacks the basilisk*
Basilisk: Ow! My eye! Cut it out you bastard! Ow!
Fawkes: Now take him down!
Harry: Let him not get me!
Tom: He can still hear you Potter.
*Harry escapes the basilisk and gets back to Ginny*
Tom: Yes Potter. I am feeling much alive!
*The snake bursts out of the water. Screaming and then the sword appeared from the hat*
Harry: *Takes the sword and runs on top of Salazar's head*
Basilisk: Come here!
Harry: Take that! And that! And this! *Turns into super mage 4* Hoooooooo! *spears the blade into the brain*
Basilisk: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *A long prolonged scream from the basilisk began annoying vegeta that he used big bang attack to blow it's head off*
*Harry walks over with a fang in left hand.*
Harry: Oooh. My… Arm!
Tom: Funny. Damage a little silly book can do, in a hands of a silly little slut. The poison is inside you now Potter. You got one minute to live. You'll be with your damned muggle born mother soon Harry. *Harry takes the book and fang hovers above it* What are you doing? No! Stop! No! My book! *Harry stabs it!* My body! *Stabs again* My face! Noooo! I'm dying! *Closes the book and stabs the cover* Noooooooooooo! *Blows up in Agent smith style and Ginny wakes up with a start?*
Ginny: Oh Harry! Oh Harry. I meant to tell you. It was me Harry.
Harry: I already knew about that.
Ginny: Where were my toys?
Harry: Dead. Killed by spiders.
Ginny: Your arm.
Harry: It's ok. Ginny, go toward the chamber and meet Ron there. I'll be fine..
Ginny: But your arm!
Fawkes: I'll heal you.
Harry: You're fantastic Fawkes. I wasn't fast enough.
*Heals him with the tears*
*Ron, Ginny, and Harry hung from the Phoenix*
Lockhart: What about me?
*Serial killer Skipper appeared and killed Lockhart*

Dumbledore: Broke hundreds of rules, killed a basilisk, discovered the chamber of secrets, saved the girl, erased Hagrid's name, and got Malfoy fired as a school governor. You're a hero!
Fawkes: WHAT? I gave him the hat who gave him the sword, I blinded the basilisk, I healed the wound, I Brought them out of the chamber and the stupid kid is a hero? That's it, I'm going to Durmstrang. Maybe they'll apreciate me. God, what did you put in this Phoenix food! *Pukes* Stupid bugger gets all the glory and I never get an attention. Life sucks!
Dumbledore: Ron, take this letter. We need our Gate keeper back. And as for you Harry… You told me you had nothing to say. .
Harry: I'm a parseltongue.
Dumbledore: You're a parseltongue because the stupid Voldemort is a parseltongue. Gave you bit of his powers unintentionally.
Harry: The hat said I would done well in Slytherin. But I choose to be in Gryffindor.
Dumbledore: Well, It's our choice. And if you want to know you belong in Gryffindor, take a look at this.
*The name on the sword Harry took from Dumbledore said, "Godric Gryffindor"*
Dumbledore: Only a true Gryffindor would pull that out of a hat.
Lucius: You back? How dare you!
Dumbledore: Hagrid was right. You threatened and blackmailed the members. And you so sounded like a girl.
Lucius: Why you… *Unable to touch Dumbledore* And the culprit is caught.
Malfoy: Really? Who?
Dumbledore: Voldilocks.
Malfoy: No, I suspect you meant Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Well it's a name we give him so that it pisses him off. And I must tell you not to give anymore Voldemort's old school stuff away.
Lucius: Let's just hope that Mr. Potter will always be around… To save the day.
Harry: Don't worry… I will be.
*Lucius leaves and Dobby follows*
Harry: Professor? May I have that? *The book*

Harry: Mr. Malfoy! Mr. Malfoy! Here's your diary.
Mr. Malfoy: Your parents are meddlesome fools.
Harry: You know how Ginny got the hold of that book? You gave the diary to Ginny.
Mr. Malfoy: *Thrusts the book to dobby* Why don't you proof it? *Sneers and walks away* Come Dobby.
Dobby: Dobby has a sock! Master gave Dobby a sock! Dobby freeeeeeee!
Mr. Malfoy: YOU LOST ME MY SERVANT!
Harry: Geez, don't get a cold head.
Dobby: You will not harm Harry Potter.
*Mr. Malfoy begins his curse and Dobby knocks him away*
Mr. Malfoy: Your parents are meddlesome fools! You will meet their sticky end. *Leaves*
Dobby: Harry Potter gave Dobby a sock. Harry freed Dobby! How can Dobby ever repay him?
Harry: Just one favor.
Dobby: Anything.
Harry: Don't save my life. Ever. And, try to read the script next time. And be prepared for the fourth novel movie ok?
Dobby: Ok.

Dumbledore: Another year gone with great events it was! Now Gryffindors win the house cup and the petrified kids were cured except for Colin because he was dead. And now Hagrid Is coming back.
Neville: Hey, It's Hermione!
*The two boys looked at her and then she runs up and hugs Harry. But doesn't hug Ron. But shakes hands*
Seamus: *Cat whistles*
Ron: Shut up! *To Hermione* Welcome back.
Hermione: You solved it. I can't believed you actually solved it.
Harry: Well… I guess you can say that.
Hagrid: I'm back! Them morons started babbling about mistaking me for being the attacker. Well, here I am. I would never forget what you done for me Harry. Ron… Well… Especially Hermione of course.
Harry: It isn't Hogwarts without you.
*Everybody claps and including the whole non hp characters and then credits started rolling*

*Somehow Ron and Harry were in the car for the fourth time. Just flying around in the dark sky.*
Ron: Finally, a good time to relax.
Harry: Yeah, everything was so bad. I nearly got killed. Man, I hope it never happens again.
Ron: Harry.
Harry: Yeah Ron?
Ron: I forgot gas for the car.
*Car sputters*
Both: Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!

*Loud fast rapping music plays*