I don't feel like chatting but let me remind you once more that if you or
someone else could call any of the events or people in this story theirs
then it is theirs. I do not lay claim to anything in this story.I find it
so hard to write my true feelings on many subjects that I feel like
sharing. It is awful I get to telling you about something and then I leave
out my true feelings on the matter which tends to leave things half done. I
guess it is natural for me to hide my emotions and the deeper things about
me.
But then what happens next? I had woken up then. How wierd it is to dream inexplicable dreams as I do. The darkness was looming over me still as I lay in my bed. Not the elegantly carved four poster but my own bed. The real one that does not move to different places but remains in my room. the darkness being the only remnant of my dream was not with the opressive quality that had been present moments before. What I felt now was the type of darkness in which I have grown to treasure. Foolish is it? But why I hold such endeavor for this darkness is that it reminds me of the all the times I could be lost in thought in it? The darkness of the small hours. It is the symbol of tranquility. When I lie to rest in this deep soundless dark I am safe. I am me. There is nothing to contend with here. No one here hates me because I am alone. The solitude does not bother me either for I am too busy imagining what it would be like to be around fantastical people out of stories. Like Marius for instance. I can spend hours just thinking about what it would be like to know such a magnificent creature as himself. I imagine myself knowing him and having conversations with him and well... just being around him would make me incrediably happy as nothing real possibly could.
He knows who he is, where he is, and where he is going. Listen to me talk! I think of him so much it is as if he was actually real inside my head. As said in the Vampire Chronicles he has experienced so much and has finally found his place in the world. I feel that if I was ever to know such a man I might finally learn who I am. I would no longer be unsure of my course in life. My own ideals could be set on a straighter defined path. I wish I had eternity as he did but I am pretty sure that no one lives forever. There is not enough time in all the world to treasure what we posess. We should not endure life or envy it from a far. Fill your senses and fill your mind. Rejoice and be happy, Rachel! You should not dream of a eternity. You are wasting your time to hope for the things you will never recieve. No magic lamps with grand omnipotent geniis. So stop dreaming. There is so much more to taste.So much to explore. So little time.
Tasakapeotkauu believes that I think too much about things. It is my primary sense of enjoyment. Why should I want to quit now? Yes I may not be enjoying life to it's fullest extent but is thinking not important too? If I was to spend all my time doing physical activities I would not be truely content. So you think that I should not think but it is what I do best. It fills me with appreciation for what I have in life not just what I want. Should I watch t.v every day like most people do. It is so boring. T.V.s are wretched things. All they do is talk and laugh and cry and scream and smile and hope and love and hate and be wistful and vengeful and sarcastic. Why pay money for this when friend are as free as the grass and the sky?
I wonder if I was to actually meet some one like the fictious Marius and he was to teach me all the things I wanted to know would I be happy? People who do not love and care about things are generally as a rule very miserable. People who love in their hearts but are naive can for the most part be happy. People who want to understand things like me but have not completely found what they are looking for are not usually content and are restless like I. I want to be a person who has found what I am looking for. Is there anyone who actually has? Would I be happy? Would I find other things to want and envy? Is there anyone who is very knowledgable but has every thing that they could ever want ? That person must be happy but does he exist? Marius seems to embody that person. Maybe that is why I envy him. I could learn a thing or two from him.
It was only two oclock? I was quite wide awake. I went down stairs to find something to occupy myself with.
But then what happens next? I had woken up then. How wierd it is to dream inexplicable dreams as I do. The darkness was looming over me still as I lay in my bed. Not the elegantly carved four poster but my own bed. The real one that does not move to different places but remains in my room. the darkness being the only remnant of my dream was not with the opressive quality that had been present moments before. What I felt now was the type of darkness in which I have grown to treasure. Foolish is it? But why I hold such endeavor for this darkness is that it reminds me of the all the times I could be lost in thought in it? The darkness of the small hours. It is the symbol of tranquility. When I lie to rest in this deep soundless dark I am safe. I am me. There is nothing to contend with here. No one here hates me because I am alone. The solitude does not bother me either for I am too busy imagining what it would be like to be around fantastical people out of stories. Like Marius for instance. I can spend hours just thinking about what it would be like to know such a magnificent creature as himself. I imagine myself knowing him and having conversations with him and well... just being around him would make me incrediably happy as nothing real possibly could.
He knows who he is, where he is, and where he is going. Listen to me talk! I think of him so much it is as if he was actually real inside my head. As said in the Vampire Chronicles he has experienced so much and has finally found his place in the world. I feel that if I was ever to know such a man I might finally learn who I am. I would no longer be unsure of my course in life. My own ideals could be set on a straighter defined path. I wish I had eternity as he did but I am pretty sure that no one lives forever. There is not enough time in all the world to treasure what we posess. We should not endure life or envy it from a far. Fill your senses and fill your mind. Rejoice and be happy, Rachel! You should not dream of a eternity. You are wasting your time to hope for the things you will never recieve. No magic lamps with grand omnipotent geniis. So stop dreaming. There is so much more to taste.So much to explore. So little time.
Tasakapeotkauu believes that I think too much about things. It is my primary sense of enjoyment. Why should I want to quit now? Yes I may not be enjoying life to it's fullest extent but is thinking not important too? If I was to spend all my time doing physical activities I would not be truely content. So you think that I should not think but it is what I do best. It fills me with appreciation for what I have in life not just what I want. Should I watch t.v every day like most people do. It is so boring. T.V.s are wretched things. All they do is talk and laugh and cry and scream and smile and hope and love and hate and be wistful and vengeful and sarcastic. Why pay money for this when friend are as free as the grass and the sky?
I wonder if I was to actually meet some one like the fictious Marius and he was to teach me all the things I wanted to know would I be happy? People who do not love and care about things are generally as a rule very miserable. People who love in their hearts but are naive can for the most part be happy. People who want to understand things like me but have not completely found what they are looking for are not usually content and are restless like I. I want to be a person who has found what I am looking for. Is there anyone who actually has? Would I be happy? Would I find other things to want and envy? Is there anyone who is very knowledgable but has every thing that they could ever want ? That person must be happy but does he exist? Marius seems to embody that person. Maybe that is why I envy him. I could learn a thing or two from him.
It was only two oclock? I was quite wide awake. I went down stairs to find something to occupy myself with.