I would not recommend reading this if you haven't read the Return of the
King, because we enter Middle-Earth right in the middle of that book.
Chapter Eight: When You Wish Upon An Elf
"So, out of curiosity," said Alison conversationally, five hours later, "why did you want Artemis to stay with us? Because it sounds sort of wrong from my point of view."
"Ally!"
"Jennie, I'm worried! You're not."
Her little sister scowled so heavily Tessa thought her eyebrows would go down to her chin. "NO."
The three looked down at Holly, still unconscious and sleeping fitfully in Tessa's bed. It was two in the morning; Artemis, after explaining that the People dislike Mud Man chemicals, had gone to bed on an air mattress in the den.
Ally sighed. "So why."
"None of your business."
"Listen, Jen, I'm a bit concerned about you two. This kid is a perfect stranger, I nor Mom nor Aunt Kris have heard of him, and you bring him into our house as though he's your long-lost brother. Now his pointy-eared sis is unconscious because of Mud Man chemicals?! What the hell is going on?"
The cousins exchanged glances, and then Tessa gave in. "She really is an elf," Tessa blurted, knowing she would pay later but not caring. "She was kidnapped three years ago by Artemis, and."
Alison gave her a look that would have stripped paint.
". she calls humans Mud Men and they live underground."
The older girl rose with an irritated growl. "Spare me! Please, Tessa. I'm going to bed. And when you want to tell me the truth, feel free. Until then."
She left, muttering something about "her sad family".
Jennie looked out the window expressionlessly. Overhead, the full moon cast light on her upturned face. She let out a small sigh. "You made a mess of that one, Tessa," she said.
"I know."
"Somehow. I wonder if Ally's right."
Tessa looked sharply at her cousin. "What?"
"I mean. oh Tess, don't you think Middle-Earth would be better than this? Artemis is a kidnapper, and Holly would come up to Legolas's knee. It's like a primitive version of LOTR, and. well. guns instead of swords, LEP instead of the Dunaden. and no bad guy, unless you count Artemis, and I hardly do. We haven't even done anything yet."
"Frodo didn't find out about the Ring until he was fifty."
"How encouraging." The other heaved a discontent sigh.
It was quiet for a while, and Holly didn't stir. Blue sparks were flickering over her skin like crazy, trying to revive their owner before it was too late. The cousins, of course, didn't know her condition was that serious, and both were looking out the window wistfully. Then one spoke. "Oh, Jennie, now you have me thinking about Middle-Earth. Lothelorien. the Shire. the Gap of Rohan."
Whether by chance or some inner sense, Tessa's hand found Holly's as she raised her voice for emphasis. "I wish we were there right now!"
Blue sparks flickered up her arm, and then the world turned over.
A blur of color swept past them. Bitter cold winds, fringed with ice that stung the cousins' arms, swirled and settled into a hilly landscape with drifts of snow here and there.
It was winter, and this was the Gap of Rohan.
"Oh, my God," said one of the cousins. "Oh my God oh my God oh my God."
Artemis stormed over almost immediately, wearing his beige bathrobe.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"
"Ummmmmmmmmmmm." Tessa looked like she wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and stay there. "I. guess I. might. sort of. IwishedusintoMiddle- EarthandHollydidsomethingbutIdon'tknowwhatandIthinkwemightactuallybethereand . Oh, Artemis, I swear I didn't mean to!"
Behind her, Jennie looked with shining eyes into the night sky. A shape moved in the snow at the edge of her vision, and she glanced at it. Her throat constricted.
"You brought HER along?" she said to Tessa. "HERE?"
Tessa blinked, looked, yelped, and said a very bad word that Jennie up until that moment hadn't thought her cousin knew.
"ALLISON?"
She stormed over, wearing a frown that was a mirror image of Artemis's.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"
"We're in Middle Earth, something went seriously wrong, and we're trying to figure out how to get back," said Jennie rapidly. "So shut up or when we go back we'll leave you here for the Orcs to eat or take to Barad-dur or whatever it is they do."
"Jennie!" Tessa yelped. "Do you think the Quest is still going on? We could meet Frodo!"
"That," said Jennie after a moment's thought, "is the least of our problems."
"Problems? How can you be thinking of problems? This is FRODO!"
Alison pinched herself. Nothing happened.
"Jennieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she wailed. "WE'RE IN MIDDLE EARTH!"
Artemis rubbed his temples and turned slightly. "Holly, whatever you did, would you please - Holly?"
There was no answer. Tessa had sent them into Middle Earth by elf magic, but the elf was still in the United States.
They couldn't go back.
Shivering with combined nerves, horror and cold, Alison peered about her with a critical unforgiving eye. Snow and sleet was coming down in torrents, and there was no shelter visible.
"We may as well go somewhere," Jennie pointed out when her older sister complained, and set off in the direction of the moonrise.
"Jennie!" Tessa caught up with her and pulled her back. "East is Mordor. We can't go that way."
"Now she tells me."
"Let's go south. To Gondor."
"Or west to the Sea."
"Or north to the Shire!"
"No, that takes us into Fangorn and that in turn to Isengard or the northern gates of Moria. Why couldn't you have sent us to the Shire?"
"Be thankful I didn't mention the dead marshes."
Jennie growled deep in her throat. "What are we going to do?"
"I vote Gondor. Mordor, the Sea, and Isengard do not appeal to me somehow."
"Tessa, you know what I mean. How are we going to get home?"
The other rolled her eyes in exasperation. "You wanted Middle Earth. This is Middle Earth. And despite all our doubts, we are IN Middle Earth. What is the problem?"
Ally's lower lip was trembling. "No food, no water, no warmth, no shelter, no transport, no guide, no help, no civilization. All we have are Orcs, cold, two useless cousins, one dumb guy, and all the snow in the world."
"And you, of course. It's lucky we have you to help us think of a plan," Jennie said sardonically. "Shut up a minute, okay?"
Artemis, who had been standing nearby, glowered at the lot of them and pulled his bathrobe tighter about him. Tessa noticed his scowl and glared right back. "Well, genius, have you thought of a plan?"
"Yes," he answered. "Simple. Holly will recover, summon the forces of the LEP, and they and their magic will find a way to get us back. In the meantime."
".in the meantime," said Tessa looking behind him, "we have company."
A swordpoint leveled Artemis's chin up. He almost yelled for Butler, and then remembered; Butler wasn't there.
"Mani naa essa en lle?" said a gruff voice behind him.
Jennie almost squealed at her first sight of a real Rohan rider! but restrained herself. "Heru en amin, lye naa lle nai. I am Jen Megiltura, this is my cousin Tessa Ita'istar, and my sibling Alison Whitestar. That is our kinsman Artemis Elandili."
The Rider of Rohan hid a smile at her atrocious accent. "Indeed. My own name is Haraj, Captain of the Mark. Follow me."
"Where will you take us?" Artemis folded his arms obstinately.
"To the White Tower."
And then something struck Artemis full in the face, something that wasn't physical, it was an emotional blow that almost drove him to his knees; he remembered reading J. R. R. Tolkien as a young boy and wishing that he could go to the White Towers, and now here he was because of these cousins, these cousins brought me here, what am I doing here, this isn't real, can this be real?
He looked up into the emotionless eyes of Haraj, and he was afraid. The shivers that crackled over his spine at the beginning of an adventure almost crippled him now, and he was disgusted with himself, but this was a whole other world, what good was a mastermind here? How would he ever get home to Butler and Mother and Artemis Fowl Senior - my dad - and even if he did go back, would it ever be the same knowing that it was real, this other world was really real, and maybe it was their real that wasn't real -
The cousins, though he didn't know it, were experiencing the same thing. This was Middle Earth, this was their dream, and somehow it wasn't at all like their dream; and though none of them knew it, they would be part of a tapestry larger than any they had woven in their minds, and they would be the four main threads.
Tessa also looked at Haraj. She was frowning. "Where are the White Towers?"
"The way I have come."
Allison pouted, an expression unbecoming to the young woman she was. "What makes you think we want to go?"
Haraj raised his eyebrows, and immediately a host of other riders appeared over the crest of the snowy hills. He called for four horses loudly and looked back at the quartet. "What makes you think you have a choice?"
*
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA the mush between me and Frodo isn't as NEAR as bad as it is in real life. Like when I went to see TTT there was this little fifth grader next to me and when Frodo walks up to the Ringwraith she was like "stupidhead." I turned around and I was like, DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY TO MY FRODO!
Chapter Eight: When You Wish Upon An Elf
"So, out of curiosity," said Alison conversationally, five hours later, "why did you want Artemis to stay with us? Because it sounds sort of wrong from my point of view."
"Ally!"
"Jennie, I'm worried! You're not."
Her little sister scowled so heavily Tessa thought her eyebrows would go down to her chin. "NO."
The three looked down at Holly, still unconscious and sleeping fitfully in Tessa's bed. It was two in the morning; Artemis, after explaining that the People dislike Mud Man chemicals, had gone to bed on an air mattress in the den.
Ally sighed. "So why."
"None of your business."
"Listen, Jen, I'm a bit concerned about you two. This kid is a perfect stranger, I nor Mom nor Aunt Kris have heard of him, and you bring him into our house as though he's your long-lost brother. Now his pointy-eared sis is unconscious because of Mud Man chemicals?! What the hell is going on?"
The cousins exchanged glances, and then Tessa gave in. "She really is an elf," Tessa blurted, knowing she would pay later but not caring. "She was kidnapped three years ago by Artemis, and."
Alison gave her a look that would have stripped paint.
". she calls humans Mud Men and they live underground."
The older girl rose with an irritated growl. "Spare me! Please, Tessa. I'm going to bed. And when you want to tell me the truth, feel free. Until then."
She left, muttering something about "her sad family".
Jennie looked out the window expressionlessly. Overhead, the full moon cast light on her upturned face. She let out a small sigh. "You made a mess of that one, Tessa," she said.
"I know."
"Somehow. I wonder if Ally's right."
Tessa looked sharply at her cousin. "What?"
"I mean. oh Tess, don't you think Middle-Earth would be better than this? Artemis is a kidnapper, and Holly would come up to Legolas's knee. It's like a primitive version of LOTR, and. well. guns instead of swords, LEP instead of the Dunaden. and no bad guy, unless you count Artemis, and I hardly do. We haven't even done anything yet."
"Frodo didn't find out about the Ring until he was fifty."
"How encouraging." The other heaved a discontent sigh.
It was quiet for a while, and Holly didn't stir. Blue sparks were flickering over her skin like crazy, trying to revive their owner before it was too late. The cousins, of course, didn't know her condition was that serious, and both were looking out the window wistfully. Then one spoke. "Oh, Jennie, now you have me thinking about Middle-Earth. Lothelorien. the Shire. the Gap of Rohan."
Whether by chance or some inner sense, Tessa's hand found Holly's as she raised her voice for emphasis. "I wish we were there right now!"
Blue sparks flickered up her arm, and then the world turned over.
A blur of color swept past them. Bitter cold winds, fringed with ice that stung the cousins' arms, swirled and settled into a hilly landscape with drifts of snow here and there.
It was winter, and this was the Gap of Rohan.
"Oh, my God," said one of the cousins. "Oh my God oh my God oh my God."
Artemis stormed over almost immediately, wearing his beige bathrobe.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"
"Ummmmmmmmmmmm." Tessa looked like she wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and stay there. "I. guess I. might. sort of. IwishedusintoMiddle- EarthandHollydidsomethingbutIdon'tknowwhatandIthinkwemightactuallybethereand . Oh, Artemis, I swear I didn't mean to!"
Behind her, Jennie looked with shining eyes into the night sky. A shape moved in the snow at the edge of her vision, and she glanced at it. Her throat constricted.
"You brought HER along?" she said to Tessa. "HERE?"
Tessa blinked, looked, yelped, and said a very bad word that Jennie up until that moment hadn't thought her cousin knew.
"ALLISON?"
She stormed over, wearing a frown that was a mirror image of Artemis's.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"
"We're in Middle Earth, something went seriously wrong, and we're trying to figure out how to get back," said Jennie rapidly. "So shut up or when we go back we'll leave you here for the Orcs to eat or take to Barad-dur or whatever it is they do."
"Jennie!" Tessa yelped. "Do you think the Quest is still going on? We could meet Frodo!"
"That," said Jennie after a moment's thought, "is the least of our problems."
"Problems? How can you be thinking of problems? This is FRODO!"
Alison pinched herself. Nothing happened.
"Jennieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she wailed. "WE'RE IN MIDDLE EARTH!"
Artemis rubbed his temples and turned slightly. "Holly, whatever you did, would you please - Holly?"
There was no answer. Tessa had sent them into Middle Earth by elf magic, but the elf was still in the United States.
They couldn't go back.
Shivering with combined nerves, horror and cold, Alison peered about her with a critical unforgiving eye. Snow and sleet was coming down in torrents, and there was no shelter visible.
"We may as well go somewhere," Jennie pointed out when her older sister complained, and set off in the direction of the moonrise.
"Jennie!" Tessa caught up with her and pulled her back. "East is Mordor. We can't go that way."
"Now she tells me."
"Let's go south. To Gondor."
"Or west to the Sea."
"Or north to the Shire!"
"No, that takes us into Fangorn and that in turn to Isengard or the northern gates of Moria. Why couldn't you have sent us to the Shire?"
"Be thankful I didn't mention the dead marshes."
Jennie growled deep in her throat. "What are we going to do?"
"I vote Gondor. Mordor, the Sea, and Isengard do not appeal to me somehow."
"Tessa, you know what I mean. How are we going to get home?"
The other rolled her eyes in exasperation. "You wanted Middle Earth. This is Middle Earth. And despite all our doubts, we are IN Middle Earth. What is the problem?"
Ally's lower lip was trembling. "No food, no water, no warmth, no shelter, no transport, no guide, no help, no civilization. All we have are Orcs, cold, two useless cousins, one dumb guy, and all the snow in the world."
"And you, of course. It's lucky we have you to help us think of a plan," Jennie said sardonically. "Shut up a minute, okay?"
Artemis, who had been standing nearby, glowered at the lot of them and pulled his bathrobe tighter about him. Tessa noticed his scowl and glared right back. "Well, genius, have you thought of a plan?"
"Yes," he answered. "Simple. Holly will recover, summon the forces of the LEP, and they and their magic will find a way to get us back. In the meantime."
".in the meantime," said Tessa looking behind him, "we have company."
A swordpoint leveled Artemis's chin up. He almost yelled for Butler, and then remembered; Butler wasn't there.
"Mani naa essa en lle?" said a gruff voice behind him.
Jennie almost squealed at her first sight of a real Rohan rider! but restrained herself. "Heru en amin, lye naa lle nai. I am Jen Megiltura, this is my cousin Tessa Ita'istar, and my sibling Alison Whitestar. That is our kinsman Artemis Elandili."
The Rider of Rohan hid a smile at her atrocious accent. "Indeed. My own name is Haraj, Captain of the Mark. Follow me."
"Where will you take us?" Artemis folded his arms obstinately.
"To the White Tower."
And then something struck Artemis full in the face, something that wasn't physical, it was an emotional blow that almost drove him to his knees; he remembered reading J. R. R. Tolkien as a young boy and wishing that he could go to the White Towers, and now here he was because of these cousins, these cousins brought me here, what am I doing here, this isn't real, can this be real?
He looked up into the emotionless eyes of Haraj, and he was afraid. The shivers that crackled over his spine at the beginning of an adventure almost crippled him now, and he was disgusted with himself, but this was a whole other world, what good was a mastermind here? How would he ever get home to Butler and Mother and Artemis Fowl Senior - my dad - and even if he did go back, would it ever be the same knowing that it was real, this other world was really real, and maybe it was their real that wasn't real -
The cousins, though he didn't know it, were experiencing the same thing. This was Middle Earth, this was their dream, and somehow it wasn't at all like their dream; and though none of them knew it, they would be part of a tapestry larger than any they had woven in their minds, and they would be the four main threads.
Tessa also looked at Haraj. She was frowning. "Where are the White Towers?"
"The way I have come."
Allison pouted, an expression unbecoming to the young woman she was. "What makes you think we want to go?"
Haraj raised his eyebrows, and immediately a host of other riders appeared over the crest of the snowy hills. He called for four horses loudly and looked back at the quartet. "What makes you think you have a choice?"
*
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA the mush between me and Frodo isn't as NEAR as bad as it is in real life. Like when I went to see TTT there was this little fifth grader next to me and when Frodo walks up to the Ringwraith she was like "stupidhead." I turned around and I was like, DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY TO MY FRODO!