Disclaimer: All characters are property of J.J. Abrams and Alias
***
The next few were a blur of meetings. Meetings about the future of the CIA's involvement in taking down SD-6, about Agent Bristow's death, about our new potential double agent. All were issues that I wanted nothing to do with. I did my best to put on a good face for everyone. I wanted no one to know how upset I was. Colleagues patted me on the shoulder and told them how sorry they were for the loss of my agent. They didn't understand how much more she was to me though. They just didn't get it. Even Weiss said those words to me, though I suspected that he understood that there was more to it than that by the look in his eyes. Obviously I looked upset but it was imperative that no one understand the true extent of those feelings, even now my love for her had to remain a secret. To the world she had been my agent and I had been her handler. Simple as that. Cut and dry. Black and white. Nothing more.
*** Flashback It was hot. Uncomfortably hot. The sweat trickled down my back and pooled at the waist of my pants. I shifted in my seat for the tenth time, trying to find a comfortable position for my long legs. These seats weren't made for people who were more than five feet tall. The person next to me glared in my direction when I kicked him in the shin. "Sorry," I mumbled quickly. My tie was too tight. I struggled to loosen it. I felt like it was cutting off my airway. I really didn't want to be in this meeting. I hated talking about Sydney's death and her replacements. How could the CIA just treat her like some animal that they needed to replace before production decreased any more than it already had. They didn't understand who she really was and truthfully didn't care. I wasn't able to concentrate on Kendall's words. I watched his mouth move but the words escaped my grasp. I thought about my meetings with her at the warehouse. The sun beams shining through the dusty air and her smile lighting up my soul. I asked myself why I had never taken the plunge and just told her straight out how I felt. These were the questions that kept me awake at night. Regret is such a powerful emotion.
The meeting droned on as my mind wandered further from the topic at hand. I thought about the day I met her and how my heart had skipped a beat. I was sick and tired of trying to bring down SD-6 without Syd. I felt guilty that I wasn't more inspired but I just didn't have the drive or the energy to do it anymore.
Jack and I still met to discuss his missions and counter-missions. I wasn't his handler by any means but I acted as his contact at the CIA more often than before. I had sensed a change in him since Syd's death. There was something quieter about him. He lacked the intensity that he used to have. Though he maintained his gruff exterior his tone around me had softened, especially when he spoke of Sydney. I never understood how much she meant to him. In fact I spent most of my time being frustrated with him for not appreciating the truly amazing woman that she was more often. That was behind us now. We had practically developed a friendship. I suspected that I was one of the few people that he discussed Sydney around and I felt privileged that he trusted me. Privileged because I was sure that Jack could count the people that he truly trusted on one hand easily.
I knew that I couldn't stay in this line of work much longer. Not if I was going to remain a sane and rational person. There were too many reminders of her around. Although I loved memories of her, most days they hurt more than they did any good. As I headed to the warehouse, 'our warehouse' as I had usually called it in my mind, to meet Jack I made my decision. I wanted his blessing before I let anyone else know. I knew what I had to do. She would've wanted me to move on as well. It was time.
***
The next few were a blur of meetings. Meetings about the future of the CIA's involvement in taking down SD-6, about Agent Bristow's death, about our new potential double agent. All were issues that I wanted nothing to do with. I did my best to put on a good face for everyone. I wanted no one to know how upset I was. Colleagues patted me on the shoulder and told them how sorry they were for the loss of my agent. They didn't understand how much more she was to me though. They just didn't get it. Even Weiss said those words to me, though I suspected that he understood that there was more to it than that by the look in his eyes. Obviously I looked upset but it was imperative that no one understand the true extent of those feelings, even now my love for her had to remain a secret. To the world she had been my agent and I had been her handler. Simple as that. Cut and dry. Black and white. Nothing more.
*** Flashback It was hot. Uncomfortably hot. The sweat trickled down my back and pooled at the waist of my pants. I shifted in my seat for the tenth time, trying to find a comfortable position for my long legs. These seats weren't made for people who were more than five feet tall. The person next to me glared in my direction when I kicked him in the shin. "Sorry," I mumbled quickly. My tie was too tight. I struggled to loosen it. I felt like it was cutting off my airway. I really didn't want to be in this meeting. I hated talking about Sydney's death and her replacements. How could the CIA just treat her like some animal that they needed to replace before production decreased any more than it already had. They didn't understand who she really was and truthfully didn't care. I wasn't able to concentrate on Kendall's words. I watched his mouth move but the words escaped my grasp. I thought about my meetings with her at the warehouse. The sun beams shining through the dusty air and her smile lighting up my soul. I asked myself why I had never taken the plunge and just told her straight out how I felt. These were the questions that kept me awake at night. Regret is such a powerful emotion.
The meeting droned on as my mind wandered further from the topic at hand. I thought about the day I met her and how my heart had skipped a beat. I was sick and tired of trying to bring down SD-6 without Syd. I felt guilty that I wasn't more inspired but I just didn't have the drive or the energy to do it anymore.
Jack and I still met to discuss his missions and counter-missions. I wasn't his handler by any means but I acted as his contact at the CIA more often than before. I had sensed a change in him since Syd's death. There was something quieter about him. He lacked the intensity that he used to have. Though he maintained his gruff exterior his tone around me had softened, especially when he spoke of Sydney. I never understood how much she meant to him. In fact I spent most of my time being frustrated with him for not appreciating the truly amazing woman that she was more often. That was behind us now. We had practically developed a friendship. I suspected that I was one of the few people that he discussed Sydney around and I felt privileged that he trusted me. Privileged because I was sure that Jack could count the people that he truly trusted on one hand easily.
I knew that I couldn't stay in this line of work much longer. Not if I was going to remain a sane and rational person. There were too many reminders of her around. Although I loved memories of her, most days they hurt more than they did any good. As I headed to the warehouse, 'our warehouse' as I had usually called it in my mind, to meet Jack I made my decision. I wanted his blessing before I let anyone else know. I knew what I had to do. She would've wanted me to move on as well. It was time.