Looking at the others, Wufei sat quietly. Quatre had fallen asleep leaning
against Heero's bed, Duo in the corner, and Trowa letting his sister lean
against him. Cathy had woken up and was greatly saddened by everything
Heero went through, but after much assuring, she finally admitted that she
did all she could and it wasn't her fault.
Gently taking the journal in his hands, Wufei looked at the leather cover and the golden patterns for each of their animals. Cathy had said that Heero had told her that if anything ever happened to him, that they were to read it and use it. Even if it was something like this. Well, Heero would be well to use it and he didn't want to invade his little brother's privacy, yet something told him that he was meant to know everything the Japanese youth went through. With a sigh, the young warrior took a seat and opened it to the first page, reading the dedication and prophet-like meanings for each animal, then turned to the first page of the journal. The writing was neat and cursive, he'd taken a lot of time to use it and make things just right. Smirking, he started.
"§May15, 195 AC §
§Hi, this is the first time I get to write in you, and Cathy says that I can say whatever I want in here and everything that happened during the day. I can say whatever I feel and think and do each day.
I still feel sad my friends left, I miss them and when they left, Sis let me hide and cry and she told me that they would come back, just fine. I know she's right, but I still miss them and Faith isn't as happy either. She doesn't want to play with me and she whines a little bit at the door sometimes, but I tell her they are going to come back in a little while and she just lays down and sleeps. I don't want anything to happen to them, because they're fighting the war and they have to kill other people so they come home.
Today, I helped Cathy feed the animals, I saw the big lion they call Lerado, the bears and elephants, and the tigers. Enchantress remembered me after she sniffed my hand a couple of times, then she let me pet her and Zita said that she was strong enough to ride like she did. Chant laid down and she let me climb on her back, and I held her fur tight and closed my eyes, but Zita told her to circle and she did in a really big area, letting me rider her and running really fast. I felt like I was in Zero again, I was free. The manager said that maybe, I could help train the animals and help Zita with her shows, maybe I could be in one!
The manager is nice and he says that he's glad I am staying with Cathy, then he laughed and asked Cathy how many brothers she did have. Cathy said she didn't know but she guessed a lot, and she helped them when she could and that they helped her and the circus in return, but I wasn't sure why they were laughing so much.
I don't really know what else to say, it's getting late and Cathy is tired. She just got done with another show. She said that I could send a letter to the others tonight, but I had to do it before she fell asleep, because I don't really know how.
Cathy says that if I want to, I have to send them a letter now because she was going to go to sleep soon and that I had to too, it is getting really late."
Laughing softly, he only shook his head. Heero and Faith had missed them, and he remembered the letter well. Sighing, he knew that Heero was going to be hurt when he heard about Faith, he'd grown ever-so attached to the poor thing. Turning the page, he continued to read.
"§June 8, 195 AC §
§I remembered this time, before, I was too tired from talking to my brothers that I didn't have the energy to write anymore for a while. I've been sleeping most of the time. It was my brothers that called, I'm glad they're all right but Trowa hurt his arm. He says it is just bruised up and hurts a little, but he'll be okay and I believe him.
My fever is finally gone and Cathy says that I can use the quilt again, I was so cold. She let me use hers too and now I'm warm but my stomach still hurts a little bit. That's okay, Cathy lets me watch TV when I'm awake and sleep the rest of the time, I eat a little bit and drink a little bit, but not too much because when my stomach starts to feel sick, I stop so I don't throw up.
My brothers sent me more letters, they said that they hoped I was getting better and that I was getting my rest. They had to move again, but they weren't going to be too close by. They were going to space, they'd stay at Quatre's home for a while. Everyone would be safe and they could call almost all the time. They said that they were getting tired of fighting, most of the time, that's all they did and they got even more tired. They don't get a lot of sleep and when they try, it gets hard to. I feel sorry for them, cause I'm sleeping all the time and I don't have to fight. But they say they're glad for me and they're trying to stop the fighting really soon. I hope so. I said that when I got better, I would practice with Zita a whole lot and we'd make a show, then they had to come back and see it for the first time. They all said they would and now we just have to make one up. That's okay, Zita says she has an idea though."
Wufei remembered this day, he remembered the entire time. It was really interesting to try and battle with only about two hours of sleep at most. Quatre had given them all a big scare when they'd landed after the retreat, the bleeding was heavy and he fell into shock and they lost his pulse for a few minutes, but the strong and determined youth came back to them and healed surprisingly fast.
"§ June 19, 195 AC §
§ We just got to the new circus area, it's right next to the OZ base. Cathy says that they'll never know I'm here, so there was nothing to worry about. I don't know, but Faith knows we're here and she doesn't like it. She'll jump up and look out the window and bark at people who go by until I call her to come and lay with me. Cathy lets me watch tv and rest, I don't feel like doing anything else. She tries to get me to eat, but I don't want to, thinking about it makes me sick all over again. Sometimes I eat, but a lot of the time, I just drink water.
The first show is tonight and Cathy is practicing and she'll be gone for a long time, but that's okay. I'll be okay by myself and Faith is with me too.
The others called again this morning, I tried to talk to them but got too tired and fell asleep. They said they're really worried about me, they say I shouldn't be this tired all the time, not for all this long. But I told them that it was okay and I was just trying to get better. I don't think they believed me. I don't know what's wrong, I wish I did. Faith wants to play now, she really does but I can't play with her and she just whines. She won't play when all the people are here though, she knows how to be quiet.
Cathy says if I am still really tired later, she's going to take me to the hospital, She says she's getting worried too and the others said it was good idea. They said just in case. They don't want anything to happen to me and if it's making them that scared, it makes me scared too. I don't know what's wrong and I don't want to die or anything. I'm scared of dying, I don't want to be all alone. I'm scared of leaving my family and going away. I don't know if I'll ever see them again if I die. If I do die, I hope that someone will read this. That they'll keep it and use it for me. If I die, then I want Faith to stay with my brothers and Wing Zero too. I don't have anything else of mine, so there's nothing else to give to them. I know we all die one day, I just don't want to right now. But if I die, I want to die with my family, and for them to bury me in a really pretty spot in the forest. I like the forest, it's really peaceful and pretty, I hope with a lot of flowers like Miss Relena has, they're so pretty. Especially in the morning time. I'll have to ask Cathy what happens when you die.
I've got a really bad feeling something is going to happen, and it's going to hurt and be bad, but I don't know what or who or when. I just know, something bad is going to happen to me. I hope not, but in case so, I need to ask Cathy about dying and if I do, tell her to read this for me and have my brothers share and use it.
I'm getting so tired again, so I'm just going to go ahead and rest for a little bit. I just have to wake up before Cathy comes back."
Pursing his lips, Wufei released a deep breath. They'd all been scared for Heero, it wasn't natural for him to sleep so much and like that, he didn't look the greatest either at that time. Yet, this was now proof, even Heero could get scared and feared dying. Most seemed to think him immortal, as the Perfect Soldier anyways, but he's just like everyone else, with his own fears, hopes, dreams, virtues, loyalties, and uncertainties. Looking over his still and fragile form, Wufei swallow and pushed the burning hatred for those who did this to him back down within himself and felt pity, compassion, and a protective nature overtake him.
"§ June 20, 195 AC §
§ I'm in the hospital now. I fell asleep and Cathy had a lot of trouble trying to wake me up. I'm not sure what is wrong an no one else is. She only closed her eyes and didn't look at me when I asked her what happened if you die. She said, that when you died, the good people went to heaven and lived happy with big, pretty, white wings and can fly and never hurt again. They turn into angels. The bad people like the ones that started the war went to hell and they were made to hurt like I had to but for forever. I don't think that is right. They might be bad people, but no one ever needs to hurt like I did. Ever. Cathy said that when I was an old man and almost a hundred, then I had to worry about going to heaven. I wasn't going to die. But she didn't look at me and her voice was really soft, so I don't know yet.
I told her that if I had to die, I wanted her to do something for me. To give Wing Zero and Faith to my brothers and to let them read my journal. Then use it so that it would be taken care of cause it was a good present. Then I started telling her about being buried in a pretty forest with flowers like the ones in Miss Relena's garden to make everything a lot prettier and she started crying. I said I was sorry and she said it was okay. She was just worried and didn't know what was wrong yet and the doctors were still doing tests and I was just making her sad with talking about dying. She said it sounded like I almost wanted to. I told her I don't and I was sorry, but I had a bad feeling about something and I wanted her to know what to do.
The doctor just came in, he said that he had the tests back and they were weird. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with me besides I'm not eating and I told him before I didn't want to because it made me really sick and I don't like being sick. He says I'm not even allergic to anything to make this happen. Cathy's crying again, but now she's smiling. The doctor says that the only thing he can think of is that I'm getting too much sleep and when I do, it makes me tired, just like not enough sleep can. He says that I should stay up for the rest of the night and then I can sleep in the morning for a little while, then I've got to try and stay up all day. But I'm still tired!"
Why did that sound so much like Duo in the end? Stifling his laughter, Wufei only quickly marked the page and closed the journal, trying to suppress his amusement. Sometimes Duo really does rub off on others. That's all he heard now, "I'm still tired guys!" Sometimes it could really get on the warrior's nerves, but patience helped him through it. Calming himself, he was glad that everything was fine and the somewhat expected reaction from Cathrine still expected of course, but in a way, it wasn't. It was hard to explain, like Cathrine had always hated Heero for letting her brother nearly commit suicide in one of his uncertain times, yet she loved him as her own, dear, little brother. Opening it again, he finished the excerpt.
"I just asked Cathy why she started crying again, she says that she's just glad that that is all and that I'm not really sick and nothing bad is wrong with me. That's good, and when I asked her if that meant that I wasn't going to die for a long time, she started laughing and said when I was old and gray.
I'm glad she's smiling now and she said that we can go home now, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I've got to try and eat a lot more they said, I don't want to but I have to. Just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt already.
I just called my brothers and we're at home now and Cathy is trying to keep me up. She's making some soup for us right now. My brothers said they were really glad that maybe I was just sleeping too much and that I'm getting as bad as Duo. He just pretended to be mad and pout, Duo did, then he started laughing too. They also said that I should start eating slow and then start eating more and more when I was ready. Even if I didn't really want to, I had to try. So I'm going to.
They also said that they were waiting for me to feel better and get my and Zita's show practiced and ready so they had the perfect excuse to come back. They were ready when I was.
I also told them where we were at and they said that they were really proud of me for being brave and being so close to an OZ base. They said OZ wasn't smart enough to know I was there and that they wouldn't mess with me because when you make Cathy mad, they were going to pay. And Cathy likes me so that she'd never let them hurt me. That, and they were afraid of me because I was a really good fighter and a Gundam Pilot like they were. I still am, but I don't have to fight now. That's good, because I don't like to fight. As long as I didn't tell OZ that, they didn't know the difference. I'm glad.
Cathy says the soup is almost ready so I have to put this away and stop writing. I get tired when I write too, so I'm not going to write until tomorrow. I've got to try and stay up now.
Bye."
Grinning, he was gladdened to know that Heero was actually anticipating their return. They hated to fight and they'd all become a bit overprotective of him, this amplifying their need and want to return. His head shot up from the book though when he heard a soft stirring and looking up, he found that Heero was growing restless in his sleep. "It's okay Watashi No Otoko, we're here and nothing is going to happen to you. Your brothers are here and we aren't going to leave you..." Standing and gently placing his hand on the boy's shoulder, he watched him relax but was sure to speak softly so as not to awaken the others either.
When Heero had fallen into a peaceful or rather exhausted sleep again, the young dragon sat in the chair and continued reading, drawn into his younger brother's experiences.
"§ June 29, 195 AC §
§ I did forget yesterday, I ate and I didn't throw up again. I feel a lot better and I don't feel sick or really tired anymore. Just a little bit.
Cathy let me come outside for a little while yesterday and today. Zita showed me what she was thinking and I really like the idea, all we have to do is practice now. Everyone is getting everything ready again, we're going to move and this time it is in a big city. Cathy says that if we get a lot of people on the first day, that we'll stay a little while longer. Big cities always get the circus a lot of people. That's good.
Zita says that she is going to take Cathy and me into town and we can get me a costume too. She says I need one if I want to be in the show. I'm really excited. I want to be in the show and if we practice a lot and really hard, then my brothers can come back and see it. I want them to see it for the first time. I told Cathy and she says that it is a great idea, but we should try it for the circus members first so I can get used to having a crowd. That's good, I got really nervous when I went down to the ring on my first show, I don't want to get nervous this time. I don't want to mess up in front of my brothers.
Zita has a white costume, long pants that flair out at the bottom into frills and a tight short-sleeve shirt. It doesn't cover her stomach though. She has a jacket too and it looks like a cowboy jacket, but it is cut off and the bottom stops at her stomach too. It doesn't button up. It's really pretty and she says I'll have a boy's costume, but a white one like her's. But her's is really shiny and the jacket is leather. I don't want a shiny costume and I want a shirt that fits. She only laughed and said that is how they were made, but mine wouldn't be exactly like hers. She said I'd see. So I have to wait now.
I also got to ride Enchantress again and she was glad I was better too, Zita said. She gave me a kiss and she watched me play with Faith and the ball before she wanted to and ran after the ball too. It was really funny, because she would get the ball and Faith would try and take it and she couldn't and she tried and barked. Zita showed me how to tell her to bring it back with my hands. Now Enchantress plays catch with us too. Faith got the ball a couple of times but Chant tried to take it from her and Faith only ran around with her tail wagging. I'm glad she likes to play.
I haven't talked to my brothers yet, they had to go back and fight and get rid of some of the bases so that OZ and the Alliance can't fight anymore. That'll be good, then the war will be over and they can come home.
It's getting late and I need to help tomorrow because we're moving tomorrow. Goodnight."
Now that was something he'd like to see, Chant and Faith playing catch with Heero. Then the small dog next to the large tiger and each trying to take the ball from the other after chasing it down. It had to be comical. Sighing again, he was glad they had someone's beliefs in them when they were fighting.
"§July 1, 195 AC §
§ You should really see it! I got my costume yesterday and it is a lot like Zita's, but it is really cool and it's mine! I'm so happy! I can't wait until the others call to tell them and show them. Cathy and Zita just laughed and clapped when I tried it on and they said they really really liked it too! The manager wants to see it, but he was a little busy when we got back so I can't show him now. It's really cool! We spent a lot of time looking in a lot of stores and I got tired but the others didn't and I had to stop from time to time. They looked at everything five times and said that it was different and then put it back!
I got white pants like Zita does, but they don't flair out and frill and I like that much better. She said I should try them and I told her no and she and Cathy started laughing really hard. I wasn't playing though and when I told them, they said that was okay and laughed some more. But, I also have a silver T-shirt, and it's a little shiny but that's okay and Zita let me get a white, leather jacket too! Just like a real cowboy's, and it isn't cut short either! They said I had to get new shoes too and I said I liked mine, but they said that it wouldn't look right and it might hurt the animals when we do our acts. So I got new ones and they're really different, but they're white too and made for moving. I think they look like ballerina shoes and I don't like them a lot, but everyone said they looked good with my costume and they bought them and I can't say no. Cathy says that tomorrow we can go ahead and start on my practice. She says I need to get my show ready with Zita and that we need to practice so that we know what to do and the tigers do too! I can't wait! Zita told and showed me what she wanted to do and I think it is really neat and a lot of fun and I hope the other people like it too. I just want to show my brothers, and plus, they get to visit! It's been a long time already, Sis says it has almost been two months already. Most of the time I was too sick to notice. I remember, I was always tired and sleeping and sick and hurting. But I wasn't hurting badly like I did before, and that's good. At Sally's base, the others said I almost died because I couldn't breath when I was throwing up."
Grinning, he remembered the carefully laid out costume and knew for certain that it was Heero's. The one he prided because it was his own and it meant something special to him. Yet he remembered the scare at Sally's base as well, everyone was on edge the entire time and it didn't help their hopes when Quatre told them. He was still fairly certain though that Quatre had been too nice and let their secret of their gift slip. About redoing Wing Zero.
"....It wasn't as bad as the pain from the gunshot either. That hurts a lot and I wanted to scream and yell but my voice didn't work and I got tired really fast and I couldn't breathe and I could feel my blood leaving me. I could feel me dying. It was really scary.
But that pain didn't hurt like I hurt before, I never want to hurt like that ever again and no one else should have to either. I don't want to write that, I don't want to remember that. I was really scared then and I wanted to die I hurt so much, but I couldn't and I tried to pray but God and the angels must not have heard me. Duo told me that I was never alone and that the angels were with me, a lot of them. They're called my guardian angels. He said that they protected me and took a lot of the hurt away and didn't let me give up because my friends were coming. They're not my friends, not all the way. They're my brothers. He said that they took a lot of the hurt away for me and made it easier and they were there to watch over me. And God was with me and he still loved me and knew that I was hurting and tired and weak, but he was being strong for me and he was sending my brothers as fast as they could come. He also said that he was judging the other men and that they would pay for all they did to me. I can still feel the hurt and being scared and I don't want to, so I'm going to quit writing about it.
I hope the others are okay, they still haven't called and Cathy said that when she watched the news, three more bases were blown up and they were OZ and Alliance bases, they said it was done by the Gundam Pilots. I'm proud of them, they said they're still looking for them, so they didn't get captured. They said they would try and tell me everything is okay even if I can't talk back and send them letters. I hope they do, I am getting worried again.
Cathy is back and she said that the manager has time now and he really wants to see my costume, so I'll be back in a little bit.
I'm back! He liked it and smiled and laughed and clapped really loud when I showed him and a lot of other people from the circus stopped and started smiling and clapping too! The manager says that he is proud of me and that he really wants to see our show, mine and Zita's. He says that if I'm Trowa's brother, he knew I was going to be really good and another star! Just like Trowa and Cathy! I hope so, it'd be a lot of fun!
When I asked Cathy today what would happen when the war was over, she said that there would be peace and that Trowa and the others could come home, and then Trowa would come and live with and work at the circus again. Then I asked her about the others, and she said that they'd go back to their homes and live in peace and try and help Miss Relena make the world a better and peaceful place. I asked her if they would come and live with and work at the circus too, but she only shook her head and said that they each had homes to go back to. I don't remember my home, I don't think I had one. Then what do I do when the war is over? I want to stay with all my brothers, I don't want to pick one to stay with for the rest of my life. I would miss the others too much. I don't know what to do."
Closing his eyes, Wufei remembered his home before it was destroyed. His family as well, and his young wife. All gone. No, he was wrong there. He still had family, one's he cared for greatly and they sat in the very same room as himself. Yet the part of Heero's pain flooded his mind with the recent events. To see that he never went through that pain again or any other, they'd have to figure something out for after the war and Heero being able to see all of them.
"§ July 7, 195 AC §
§They're coming! My brothers are coming back! Everyone said we did excellent and they loved mine and Zita's show!
We did everything right and I got a little nervous at first, but when Cathy and Hilde stood up and started clapping when I came out, everyone else did too! Then I wasn't nervous anymore. I was proud of myself and did everything just like we practiced, it was so much fun! I like being out there in front of people now, it's lots of fun and I like being in the "spotlight" like Cathy said. The manager says that I'll be a natural star, just like my brother and sister! I hope the others will be proud of me too.
Cathy says that we just need to wait a little while longer and then call them, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I can't tell them what I'm doing in the show yet, I want it to be a surprise. I really want to see their faces when they see my costume and my show. Not mine, mine and Zita's.
I'm feeling a lot better today, last night, I had a bad dream. I saw that I was back in the small, dark room and I felt it all over again. I was so scared, I thought it was real and I couldn't find my brothers and I didn't know what was happening. I just felt the hurt all over again as the other man laid on me and then pushed himself inside my body. I couldn't stop him and I just kept screaming and no one came to help me. No one heard me. Then I woke up and found out it was a dream and Cathy let me cry and held me and calmed me down, she said that no one was ever going to hurt me and that she wouldn't ever let that happen. I trust her, but I had a bad feeling again. She said that this bad feeling was wrong, because she wasn't ever going to let something like that happen. I hope not, and I trust her. I've just still got a bad feeling. The bad feeling is getting worse now, and there's a lot of noise outside and a lot of yelling. I've gotta go, Cathy should be back from taking Hilde and Sam to another safe place. Faith is growling at the door and her tail is down, something is really wrong and I have to go."
This had to be the day Heero and Cathy were taken captive. Sighing, he knew about Heero's dream. Cathy had told them about it after he'd fallen asleep again. Silently flipping the page, he found that the others were blank. His brother's "bad feelings" seemed to have proven true, and they tried to keep it from ever happening again, but they couldn't. They'd failed him. "I'm sorry Heero..." Standing and placing the book on the chair, he realized that the Japanese youth was beginning to awaken.
Gently taking the journal in his hands, Wufei looked at the leather cover and the golden patterns for each of their animals. Cathy had said that Heero had told her that if anything ever happened to him, that they were to read it and use it. Even if it was something like this. Well, Heero would be well to use it and he didn't want to invade his little brother's privacy, yet something told him that he was meant to know everything the Japanese youth went through. With a sigh, the young warrior took a seat and opened it to the first page, reading the dedication and prophet-like meanings for each animal, then turned to the first page of the journal. The writing was neat and cursive, he'd taken a lot of time to use it and make things just right. Smirking, he started.
"§May15, 195 AC §
§Hi, this is the first time I get to write in you, and Cathy says that I can say whatever I want in here and everything that happened during the day. I can say whatever I feel and think and do each day.
I still feel sad my friends left, I miss them and when they left, Sis let me hide and cry and she told me that they would come back, just fine. I know she's right, but I still miss them and Faith isn't as happy either. She doesn't want to play with me and she whines a little bit at the door sometimes, but I tell her they are going to come back in a little while and she just lays down and sleeps. I don't want anything to happen to them, because they're fighting the war and they have to kill other people so they come home.
Today, I helped Cathy feed the animals, I saw the big lion they call Lerado, the bears and elephants, and the tigers. Enchantress remembered me after she sniffed my hand a couple of times, then she let me pet her and Zita said that she was strong enough to ride like she did. Chant laid down and she let me climb on her back, and I held her fur tight and closed my eyes, but Zita told her to circle and she did in a really big area, letting me rider her and running really fast. I felt like I was in Zero again, I was free. The manager said that maybe, I could help train the animals and help Zita with her shows, maybe I could be in one!
The manager is nice and he says that he's glad I am staying with Cathy, then he laughed and asked Cathy how many brothers she did have. Cathy said she didn't know but she guessed a lot, and she helped them when she could and that they helped her and the circus in return, but I wasn't sure why they were laughing so much.
I don't really know what else to say, it's getting late and Cathy is tired. She just got done with another show. She said that I could send a letter to the others tonight, but I had to do it before she fell asleep, because I don't really know how.
Cathy says that if I want to, I have to send them a letter now because she was going to go to sleep soon and that I had to too, it is getting really late."
Laughing softly, he only shook his head. Heero and Faith had missed them, and he remembered the letter well. Sighing, he knew that Heero was going to be hurt when he heard about Faith, he'd grown ever-so attached to the poor thing. Turning the page, he continued to read.
"§June 8, 195 AC §
§I remembered this time, before, I was too tired from talking to my brothers that I didn't have the energy to write anymore for a while. I've been sleeping most of the time. It was my brothers that called, I'm glad they're all right but Trowa hurt his arm. He says it is just bruised up and hurts a little, but he'll be okay and I believe him.
My fever is finally gone and Cathy says that I can use the quilt again, I was so cold. She let me use hers too and now I'm warm but my stomach still hurts a little bit. That's okay, Cathy lets me watch TV when I'm awake and sleep the rest of the time, I eat a little bit and drink a little bit, but not too much because when my stomach starts to feel sick, I stop so I don't throw up.
My brothers sent me more letters, they said that they hoped I was getting better and that I was getting my rest. They had to move again, but they weren't going to be too close by. They were going to space, they'd stay at Quatre's home for a while. Everyone would be safe and they could call almost all the time. They said that they were getting tired of fighting, most of the time, that's all they did and they got even more tired. They don't get a lot of sleep and when they try, it gets hard to. I feel sorry for them, cause I'm sleeping all the time and I don't have to fight. But they say they're glad for me and they're trying to stop the fighting really soon. I hope so. I said that when I got better, I would practice with Zita a whole lot and we'd make a show, then they had to come back and see it for the first time. They all said they would and now we just have to make one up. That's okay, Zita says she has an idea though."
Wufei remembered this day, he remembered the entire time. It was really interesting to try and battle with only about two hours of sleep at most. Quatre had given them all a big scare when they'd landed after the retreat, the bleeding was heavy and he fell into shock and they lost his pulse for a few minutes, but the strong and determined youth came back to them and healed surprisingly fast.
"§ June 19, 195 AC §
§ We just got to the new circus area, it's right next to the OZ base. Cathy says that they'll never know I'm here, so there was nothing to worry about. I don't know, but Faith knows we're here and she doesn't like it. She'll jump up and look out the window and bark at people who go by until I call her to come and lay with me. Cathy lets me watch tv and rest, I don't feel like doing anything else. She tries to get me to eat, but I don't want to, thinking about it makes me sick all over again. Sometimes I eat, but a lot of the time, I just drink water.
The first show is tonight and Cathy is practicing and she'll be gone for a long time, but that's okay. I'll be okay by myself and Faith is with me too.
The others called again this morning, I tried to talk to them but got too tired and fell asleep. They said they're really worried about me, they say I shouldn't be this tired all the time, not for all this long. But I told them that it was okay and I was just trying to get better. I don't think they believed me. I don't know what's wrong, I wish I did. Faith wants to play now, she really does but I can't play with her and she just whines. She won't play when all the people are here though, she knows how to be quiet.
Cathy says if I am still really tired later, she's going to take me to the hospital, She says she's getting worried too and the others said it was good idea. They said just in case. They don't want anything to happen to me and if it's making them that scared, it makes me scared too. I don't know what's wrong and I don't want to die or anything. I'm scared of dying, I don't want to be all alone. I'm scared of leaving my family and going away. I don't know if I'll ever see them again if I die. If I do die, I hope that someone will read this. That they'll keep it and use it for me. If I die, then I want Faith to stay with my brothers and Wing Zero too. I don't have anything else of mine, so there's nothing else to give to them. I know we all die one day, I just don't want to right now. But if I die, I want to die with my family, and for them to bury me in a really pretty spot in the forest. I like the forest, it's really peaceful and pretty, I hope with a lot of flowers like Miss Relena has, they're so pretty. Especially in the morning time. I'll have to ask Cathy what happens when you die.
I've got a really bad feeling something is going to happen, and it's going to hurt and be bad, but I don't know what or who or when. I just know, something bad is going to happen to me. I hope not, but in case so, I need to ask Cathy about dying and if I do, tell her to read this for me and have my brothers share and use it.
I'm getting so tired again, so I'm just going to go ahead and rest for a little bit. I just have to wake up before Cathy comes back."
Pursing his lips, Wufei released a deep breath. They'd all been scared for Heero, it wasn't natural for him to sleep so much and like that, he didn't look the greatest either at that time. Yet, this was now proof, even Heero could get scared and feared dying. Most seemed to think him immortal, as the Perfect Soldier anyways, but he's just like everyone else, with his own fears, hopes, dreams, virtues, loyalties, and uncertainties. Looking over his still and fragile form, Wufei swallow and pushed the burning hatred for those who did this to him back down within himself and felt pity, compassion, and a protective nature overtake him.
"§ June 20, 195 AC §
§ I'm in the hospital now. I fell asleep and Cathy had a lot of trouble trying to wake me up. I'm not sure what is wrong an no one else is. She only closed her eyes and didn't look at me when I asked her what happened if you die. She said, that when you died, the good people went to heaven and lived happy with big, pretty, white wings and can fly and never hurt again. They turn into angels. The bad people like the ones that started the war went to hell and they were made to hurt like I had to but for forever. I don't think that is right. They might be bad people, but no one ever needs to hurt like I did. Ever. Cathy said that when I was an old man and almost a hundred, then I had to worry about going to heaven. I wasn't going to die. But she didn't look at me and her voice was really soft, so I don't know yet.
I told her that if I had to die, I wanted her to do something for me. To give Wing Zero and Faith to my brothers and to let them read my journal. Then use it so that it would be taken care of cause it was a good present. Then I started telling her about being buried in a pretty forest with flowers like the ones in Miss Relena's garden to make everything a lot prettier and she started crying. I said I was sorry and she said it was okay. She was just worried and didn't know what was wrong yet and the doctors were still doing tests and I was just making her sad with talking about dying. She said it sounded like I almost wanted to. I told her I don't and I was sorry, but I had a bad feeling about something and I wanted her to know what to do.
The doctor just came in, he said that he had the tests back and they were weird. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with me besides I'm not eating and I told him before I didn't want to because it made me really sick and I don't like being sick. He says I'm not even allergic to anything to make this happen. Cathy's crying again, but now she's smiling. The doctor says that the only thing he can think of is that I'm getting too much sleep and when I do, it makes me tired, just like not enough sleep can. He says that I should stay up for the rest of the night and then I can sleep in the morning for a little while, then I've got to try and stay up all day. But I'm still tired!"
Why did that sound so much like Duo in the end? Stifling his laughter, Wufei only quickly marked the page and closed the journal, trying to suppress his amusement. Sometimes Duo really does rub off on others. That's all he heard now, "I'm still tired guys!" Sometimes it could really get on the warrior's nerves, but patience helped him through it. Calming himself, he was glad that everything was fine and the somewhat expected reaction from Cathrine still expected of course, but in a way, it wasn't. It was hard to explain, like Cathrine had always hated Heero for letting her brother nearly commit suicide in one of his uncertain times, yet she loved him as her own, dear, little brother. Opening it again, he finished the excerpt.
"I just asked Cathy why she started crying again, she says that she's just glad that that is all and that I'm not really sick and nothing bad is wrong with me. That's good, and when I asked her if that meant that I wasn't going to die for a long time, she started laughing and said when I was old and gray.
I'm glad she's smiling now and she said that we can go home now, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I've got to try and eat a lot more they said, I don't want to but I have to. Just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt already.
I just called my brothers and we're at home now and Cathy is trying to keep me up. She's making some soup for us right now. My brothers said they were really glad that maybe I was just sleeping too much and that I'm getting as bad as Duo. He just pretended to be mad and pout, Duo did, then he started laughing too. They also said that I should start eating slow and then start eating more and more when I was ready. Even if I didn't really want to, I had to try. So I'm going to.
They also said that they were waiting for me to feel better and get my and Zita's show practiced and ready so they had the perfect excuse to come back. They were ready when I was.
I also told them where we were at and they said that they were really proud of me for being brave and being so close to an OZ base. They said OZ wasn't smart enough to know I was there and that they wouldn't mess with me because when you make Cathy mad, they were going to pay. And Cathy likes me so that she'd never let them hurt me. That, and they were afraid of me because I was a really good fighter and a Gundam Pilot like they were. I still am, but I don't have to fight now. That's good, because I don't like to fight. As long as I didn't tell OZ that, they didn't know the difference. I'm glad.
Cathy says the soup is almost ready so I have to put this away and stop writing. I get tired when I write too, so I'm not going to write until tomorrow. I've got to try and stay up now.
Bye."
Grinning, he was gladdened to know that Heero was actually anticipating their return. They hated to fight and they'd all become a bit overprotective of him, this amplifying their need and want to return. His head shot up from the book though when he heard a soft stirring and looking up, he found that Heero was growing restless in his sleep. "It's okay Watashi No Otoko, we're here and nothing is going to happen to you. Your brothers are here and we aren't going to leave you..." Standing and gently placing his hand on the boy's shoulder, he watched him relax but was sure to speak softly so as not to awaken the others either.
When Heero had fallen into a peaceful or rather exhausted sleep again, the young dragon sat in the chair and continued reading, drawn into his younger brother's experiences.
"§ June 29, 195 AC §
§ I did forget yesterday, I ate and I didn't throw up again. I feel a lot better and I don't feel sick or really tired anymore. Just a little bit.
Cathy let me come outside for a little while yesterday and today. Zita showed me what she was thinking and I really like the idea, all we have to do is practice now. Everyone is getting everything ready again, we're going to move and this time it is in a big city. Cathy says that if we get a lot of people on the first day, that we'll stay a little while longer. Big cities always get the circus a lot of people. That's good.
Zita says that she is going to take Cathy and me into town and we can get me a costume too. She says I need one if I want to be in the show. I'm really excited. I want to be in the show and if we practice a lot and really hard, then my brothers can come back and see it. I want them to see it for the first time. I told Cathy and she says that it is a great idea, but we should try it for the circus members first so I can get used to having a crowd. That's good, I got really nervous when I went down to the ring on my first show, I don't want to get nervous this time. I don't want to mess up in front of my brothers.
Zita has a white costume, long pants that flair out at the bottom into frills and a tight short-sleeve shirt. It doesn't cover her stomach though. She has a jacket too and it looks like a cowboy jacket, but it is cut off and the bottom stops at her stomach too. It doesn't button up. It's really pretty and she says I'll have a boy's costume, but a white one like her's. But her's is really shiny and the jacket is leather. I don't want a shiny costume and I want a shirt that fits. She only laughed and said that is how they were made, but mine wouldn't be exactly like hers. She said I'd see. So I have to wait now.
I also got to ride Enchantress again and she was glad I was better too, Zita said. She gave me a kiss and she watched me play with Faith and the ball before she wanted to and ran after the ball too. It was really funny, because she would get the ball and Faith would try and take it and she couldn't and she tried and barked. Zita showed me how to tell her to bring it back with my hands. Now Enchantress plays catch with us too. Faith got the ball a couple of times but Chant tried to take it from her and Faith only ran around with her tail wagging. I'm glad she likes to play.
I haven't talked to my brothers yet, they had to go back and fight and get rid of some of the bases so that OZ and the Alliance can't fight anymore. That'll be good, then the war will be over and they can come home.
It's getting late and I need to help tomorrow because we're moving tomorrow. Goodnight."
Now that was something he'd like to see, Chant and Faith playing catch with Heero. Then the small dog next to the large tiger and each trying to take the ball from the other after chasing it down. It had to be comical. Sighing again, he was glad they had someone's beliefs in them when they were fighting.
"§July 1, 195 AC §
§ You should really see it! I got my costume yesterday and it is a lot like Zita's, but it is really cool and it's mine! I'm so happy! I can't wait until the others call to tell them and show them. Cathy and Zita just laughed and clapped when I tried it on and they said they really really liked it too! The manager wants to see it, but he was a little busy when we got back so I can't show him now. It's really cool! We spent a lot of time looking in a lot of stores and I got tired but the others didn't and I had to stop from time to time. They looked at everything five times and said that it was different and then put it back!
I got white pants like Zita does, but they don't flair out and frill and I like that much better. She said I should try them and I told her no and she and Cathy started laughing really hard. I wasn't playing though and when I told them, they said that was okay and laughed some more. But, I also have a silver T-shirt, and it's a little shiny but that's okay and Zita let me get a white, leather jacket too! Just like a real cowboy's, and it isn't cut short either! They said I had to get new shoes too and I said I liked mine, but they said that it wouldn't look right and it might hurt the animals when we do our acts. So I got new ones and they're really different, but they're white too and made for moving. I think they look like ballerina shoes and I don't like them a lot, but everyone said they looked good with my costume and they bought them and I can't say no. Cathy says that tomorrow we can go ahead and start on my practice. She says I need to get my show ready with Zita and that we need to practice so that we know what to do and the tigers do too! I can't wait! Zita told and showed me what she wanted to do and I think it is really neat and a lot of fun and I hope the other people like it too. I just want to show my brothers, and plus, they get to visit! It's been a long time already, Sis says it has almost been two months already. Most of the time I was too sick to notice. I remember, I was always tired and sleeping and sick and hurting. But I wasn't hurting badly like I did before, and that's good. At Sally's base, the others said I almost died because I couldn't breath when I was throwing up."
Grinning, he remembered the carefully laid out costume and knew for certain that it was Heero's. The one he prided because it was his own and it meant something special to him. Yet he remembered the scare at Sally's base as well, everyone was on edge the entire time and it didn't help their hopes when Quatre told them. He was still fairly certain though that Quatre had been too nice and let their secret of their gift slip. About redoing Wing Zero.
"....It wasn't as bad as the pain from the gunshot either. That hurts a lot and I wanted to scream and yell but my voice didn't work and I got tired really fast and I couldn't breathe and I could feel my blood leaving me. I could feel me dying. It was really scary.
But that pain didn't hurt like I hurt before, I never want to hurt like that ever again and no one else should have to either. I don't want to write that, I don't want to remember that. I was really scared then and I wanted to die I hurt so much, but I couldn't and I tried to pray but God and the angels must not have heard me. Duo told me that I was never alone and that the angels were with me, a lot of them. They're called my guardian angels. He said that they protected me and took a lot of the hurt away and didn't let me give up because my friends were coming. They're not my friends, not all the way. They're my brothers. He said that they took a lot of the hurt away for me and made it easier and they were there to watch over me. And God was with me and he still loved me and knew that I was hurting and tired and weak, but he was being strong for me and he was sending my brothers as fast as they could come. He also said that he was judging the other men and that they would pay for all they did to me. I can still feel the hurt and being scared and I don't want to, so I'm going to quit writing about it.
I hope the others are okay, they still haven't called and Cathy said that when she watched the news, three more bases were blown up and they were OZ and Alliance bases, they said it was done by the Gundam Pilots. I'm proud of them, they said they're still looking for them, so they didn't get captured. They said they would try and tell me everything is okay even if I can't talk back and send them letters. I hope they do, I am getting worried again.
Cathy is back and she said that the manager has time now and he really wants to see my costume, so I'll be back in a little bit.
I'm back! He liked it and smiled and laughed and clapped really loud when I showed him and a lot of other people from the circus stopped and started smiling and clapping too! The manager says that he is proud of me and that he really wants to see our show, mine and Zita's. He says that if I'm Trowa's brother, he knew I was going to be really good and another star! Just like Trowa and Cathy! I hope so, it'd be a lot of fun!
When I asked Cathy today what would happen when the war was over, she said that there would be peace and that Trowa and the others could come home, and then Trowa would come and live with and work at the circus again. Then I asked her about the others, and she said that they'd go back to their homes and live in peace and try and help Miss Relena make the world a better and peaceful place. I asked her if they would come and live with and work at the circus too, but she only shook her head and said that they each had homes to go back to. I don't remember my home, I don't think I had one. Then what do I do when the war is over? I want to stay with all my brothers, I don't want to pick one to stay with for the rest of my life. I would miss the others too much. I don't know what to do."
Closing his eyes, Wufei remembered his home before it was destroyed. His family as well, and his young wife. All gone. No, he was wrong there. He still had family, one's he cared for greatly and they sat in the very same room as himself. Yet the part of Heero's pain flooded his mind with the recent events. To see that he never went through that pain again or any other, they'd have to figure something out for after the war and Heero being able to see all of them.
"§ July 7, 195 AC §
§They're coming! My brothers are coming back! Everyone said we did excellent and they loved mine and Zita's show!
We did everything right and I got a little nervous at first, but when Cathy and Hilde stood up and started clapping when I came out, everyone else did too! Then I wasn't nervous anymore. I was proud of myself and did everything just like we practiced, it was so much fun! I like being out there in front of people now, it's lots of fun and I like being in the "spotlight" like Cathy said. The manager says that I'll be a natural star, just like my brother and sister! I hope the others will be proud of me too.
Cathy says that we just need to wait a little while longer and then call them, then we can call my brothers and tell them. I can't tell them what I'm doing in the show yet, I want it to be a surprise. I really want to see their faces when they see my costume and my show. Not mine, mine and Zita's.
I'm feeling a lot better today, last night, I had a bad dream. I saw that I was back in the small, dark room and I felt it all over again. I was so scared, I thought it was real and I couldn't find my brothers and I didn't know what was happening. I just felt the hurt all over again as the other man laid on me and then pushed himself inside my body. I couldn't stop him and I just kept screaming and no one came to help me. No one heard me. Then I woke up and found out it was a dream and Cathy let me cry and held me and calmed me down, she said that no one was ever going to hurt me and that she wouldn't ever let that happen. I trust her, but I had a bad feeling again. She said that this bad feeling was wrong, because she wasn't ever going to let something like that happen. I hope not, and I trust her. I've just still got a bad feeling. The bad feeling is getting worse now, and there's a lot of noise outside and a lot of yelling. I've gotta go, Cathy should be back from taking Hilde and Sam to another safe place. Faith is growling at the door and her tail is down, something is really wrong and I have to go."
This had to be the day Heero and Cathy were taken captive. Sighing, he knew about Heero's dream. Cathy had told them about it after he'd fallen asleep again. Silently flipping the page, he found that the others were blank. His brother's "bad feelings" seemed to have proven true, and they tried to keep it from ever happening again, but they couldn't. They'd failed him. "I'm sorry Heero..." Standing and placing the book on the chair, he realized that the Japanese youth was beginning to awaken.