YAY! IT'S HERE! THE FUNNIEST CHAPTER!
Well except for Chapter Seventeen but I haven't put that up yet.
So nyah.
ALSO: MAJOR SPOILERS! If you haven't read the Return of the King, well, I would NOT recommend reading this because we give away EVERYTHING! Like Gandalf refusing to save Frodo and Gollum destroying the one ring! (covers mouth) Oops.
Oh, btw, practically all the stuff that we tell Artemis about, like in chapters 4 & 5 and this one- most of it actually happened. INCLUDING painting my face with lipstick at a public pool and, well, let's not get into that right now.
To Jennie: DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY TO MY FRODO!
To everyone else: Uhh, ignore that.
Riight.
*
Chapter Fourteen; The Ride to the Black Gate
"Anything else?"
"Horses," Tessa said practically. "We need horses, right?"
Legolas nodded and led the four around to the stables. For the past twenty minutes, they had been getting ready for the ride to the Black Gate.
"I want a blue roan!" Tessa cried enthusiastically.
Artemis, who was being surprisingly quiet, asked for a black quarterhorse. Jennie put in a request for a dappled gray stallion, and Allison, who had fallen in love with a brown mare that possessed white stockings, was already getting a saddle and tack- she learned fast.
The four were rapidly adjusting to life in Middle Earth - which was good, as in five hours and forty minutes, they would be stuck there forever.
Artemis was aware of this. Being a genius was a burden, and while he tried to focus on the lessons Legolas was giving them on saddling a horse the Rohan style, his mind kept flicking back to Fowl Manor, and the Underground. It was becoming more likely that he would never see either of those places again.
"Artemis!" The gravelly, stern voice of Aragorn cut into his thoughts. "Jennifer, Alison. come. We are riding early."
Tessa cinched a gurth tighter, indignant at not being mentioned.
All four mounted up. Aragorn ahead of them swung into Brego's saddle; Gimli and Legolas shared Arod. They rode out of the stables together to where Gandalf was waiting with Shadowfax.
"Farewell, white Towers of Gondor!" he cried. Behind him a moderate army stood attentive. "We ride to war!"
"We ride to war!"
*
Trouble stood shamefaced under Root's degrading stare. "You what?"
"She was awake, Commander. We attacked and brought her back as hostage," Trouble said wretchedly. "The city is equalized."
"And what do you plan to do with their MOTHER?" Root's voice raised at the last word.
Foaly snickered.
"We have the fingerprints," Trouble offered.
"One thing done correctly." Root pushed past him. "Where is she?"
Leah sat drooping outside the pods. She was being given a wide berth from the fairies; the electricity from the buzz batons had made her start spacing out.
Foaly examined her. "Just how much buzz do you pack in those batons?" he asked. "Opal Kaboi flushes no doubt." Something to do an a rainy day.
Leah looked at him blearily. "How much sugar did Jennie REALLY eat that night when we went to the candy store?"
Foaly blinked. "A metric ton," he assured her.
Root's eyes narrowed. "What are you DOING?"
"Keep the patient confused and you'll have less need for a mind wipe. Standard really, Julius."
"Don't. call. me. JULIUS!"
Leah blinked at the commander. "A shouting tomato. How unusual."
Foaly tried and failed to stop laughing.
Root's face grew even redder. "She's been drugged," he pronounced. "The creature is not in her right mind."
"Oh, I think she seems pretty lucid, Julius," the centaur said innocently.
The commander was very tempted to decapitate the insolent scientist but controlled himself.
Barely. "Very well, Trouble, let's have a look at these 'fingerprints.'" He deftly changed the subject.
The captain, who was also sniggering, produced a roll on which he had copied the data of the cousins' fingerprints. "Here you are, sir."
Shouting tomato. He couldn't help it - he laughed.
Julius Root buried his head in his hands. When this was over, he was going to crawl in a chute hole and die. Maybe then his talents as Commander would be more appreciated.
*
Jennie half-rose from her saddle and looked around the terrain. She yelled back at Legolas, his bow swinging to thump into her butt as she did so. Flinching, she called, "How much farther?"
He covered a smile at her clumsiness. "Guess," the elf yelled back, pointing at the cloud of ash rising from the nearing Mount Doom.
Tessa grinned. They were close, all right. She knew her cousin just wanted an excuse to talk to - she eyed the elf that was riding next to her - this. babe.
Nudging her horse to a gallop, she sped up and fell into place by Jennie. "So," she said, looking around at the outskirts of Mordor, "how much farther?" She laughed as the other attempted to kick her.
"Well, I just wanted to know," Jennie said, highly affronted.
Tessa rolled her eyes. "Why don't you just ask him if he'll marry you and have done with it?"
Her cousin's eyes misted over. Groaning, Tessa whacked her over the head with Gandalf's staff. "You're pathetic!"
"Just wait till we see Frodo," Jennie said wickedly, rubbing her head. "You won't even bother to ask him to marry you, you'll take it for granted and start-"
Tessa smacked her again, a lot harder. "You shut up!" ((A/N: *cough cough* Let's keep this a PG-13 fic.))
Alison, who was behind them next to Aragorn, snickered. "Now Jennie be nice to your cousin," she said, assuming a big-sister air.
"Like crap she will," Tessa grumbled, glaring at Jennie.
She smirked. "What a beautiful shade of red your face is, Tessa. Like a rose, a blossom of love slowly unfurling its crimson petals as the love of your life draws nearer-"
Gandalf watched, flinching, as his white staff cracked down on Jennie's head for the third time. "Teenagers," he muttered.
Artemis rode up to join the fun. "Say Tessa, you look like Root!"
Remembering what Holly had told them about the overreactive commander, Tessa scowled. "WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Ingrates," she said majestically, and nudged her horse to a gallop.
Ahead of them stretched the Black Gate of Mordor, the sight of which made her slow. "When did we get so far?" Tessa wondered aloud.
"Please, Tessa." Alison followed. "That's worse than 'how far are we'. We've been riding for half an hour."
Artemis heard. He calculated quickly; if that was so, they had about four hours until their time was out.
As the army assembled around the Gate, waiting, they cried insults. "Come forth!" they shrieked. "Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Justice shall be done upon him, for wrongfully has he made war upon Gondor."
Jennie and Tessa exchanged looks. "That's right out of the books," one said in relief.
The Doors opened with a clang, and a monstrous shape came forth, cloaked in black. Artemis shuddered slightly, as did all. It was mounted on a Ringwraith steed, a living man consumed by evil.
"I am the Mouth of Sauron," he said.
Boos came from the general area of Jennie, Tessa, Alison, and Artemis, as well as cries of "Bastard!" and "Jerk!" and "Gah, go take a bath, ratscum; we can smell you from here."
Some of Gondor smiled. Gandalf did not. Protesting, the four were shown to the rear of the company.
The parleying continued as it had in the books. Alison sighed with love when Aragorn faced down the Mouth of Sauron, and Tessa actually screamed when Frodo's garments were shown.
Jennie covered her eyes, not because the of the clothes; rather, her cousin. "It has begun."
Tessa continued to wail. "AAAAaaah, my FROOOODOOOOOO, noooo," she bawled, reaching for the Mithril shirt.
"It is plain that this brat at least has seen these tokens before," said the messenger. "It would be vain to deny them now."
"You FILTH!" Tessa roared, grabbing at the Mithril shirt and yanking it from the Mouth of Sauron's grasp. "You hurt my Frodo! God, I hate you! May all that's foul and stinking torture your miserable hide as you did his! Curse you! CURSE YOU!" She wept over the dwarvish silver, gulping and shaking.
Artemis and Alison joined Jennie in hiding their eyes. Artemis was disgusted. "Is she always like this?"
"Usually," Jennie replied. "When it happened in the movie (we went to see it opening night), you know, and the Orc dude is whipping Frodo, she stood up in the theater and threw our whole bag of popcorn at the screen."
Tessa sniffled, overhearing them. "It was SAD, okay?"
The messenger had ignored this exchange, and had just finished naming the terms of Gondor's surrender, in return for the Halfling.
Gandalf refused.
("When THAT happened in the theater," Jennie confided to Artemis, "it wasn't the popcorn that got hurled- it was our Coke."
"It made quite a splash on the White Wizard," Alison added. "We got thrown out REAL quick after that.")
Having no soda handy, Tessa threw the Mithril shirt at Gandalf. It struck home, unfortunately for the wizard. He yelped. "You're as bad as he is!" the girl raged. "Come on people! This is FRODO! I'd give the citadel of the angels for Frodo!" She cast about for something else to throw.
Finally uncovering her eyes, Jennie surged forward and grabbed her cousin. "Shh! We came along to sneak away right NOW and save him, remember? So just hush!"
At that moment, the Black Gate fully opened. Having been refused, Sauron was pouring out all his strength, thrice that of Saruman's. About two million Orcs were streaming out of the gates, more plentiful than in the movie, more sinister than in the book.
The four from Earth gaped. Tessa managed a whimper before Jennie grabbed her arm and hauled her away. "We have to go NOW! To save the hobbits!"
In the tumult of the battle that followed, nobody noticed four shapes sneaking through the open Black Gate.
*
(cough loudly) If I do not get at least twenty reviews for this chapter I will be MAD! Because this is the BEST chapter in my opinion! I finally show my true colors! GO FRODO! WE LOVE YOU!
Well except for Chapter Seventeen but I haven't put that up yet.
So nyah.
ALSO: MAJOR SPOILERS! If you haven't read the Return of the King, well, I would NOT recommend reading this because we give away EVERYTHING! Like Gandalf refusing to save Frodo and Gollum destroying the one ring! (covers mouth) Oops.
Oh, btw, practically all the stuff that we tell Artemis about, like in chapters 4 & 5 and this one- most of it actually happened. INCLUDING painting my face with lipstick at a public pool and, well, let's not get into that right now.
To Jennie: DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY TO MY FRODO!
To everyone else: Uhh, ignore that.
Riight.
*
Chapter Fourteen; The Ride to the Black Gate
"Anything else?"
"Horses," Tessa said practically. "We need horses, right?"
Legolas nodded and led the four around to the stables. For the past twenty minutes, they had been getting ready for the ride to the Black Gate.
"I want a blue roan!" Tessa cried enthusiastically.
Artemis, who was being surprisingly quiet, asked for a black quarterhorse. Jennie put in a request for a dappled gray stallion, and Allison, who had fallen in love with a brown mare that possessed white stockings, was already getting a saddle and tack- she learned fast.
The four were rapidly adjusting to life in Middle Earth - which was good, as in five hours and forty minutes, they would be stuck there forever.
Artemis was aware of this. Being a genius was a burden, and while he tried to focus on the lessons Legolas was giving them on saddling a horse the Rohan style, his mind kept flicking back to Fowl Manor, and the Underground. It was becoming more likely that he would never see either of those places again.
"Artemis!" The gravelly, stern voice of Aragorn cut into his thoughts. "Jennifer, Alison. come. We are riding early."
Tessa cinched a gurth tighter, indignant at not being mentioned.
All four mounted up. Aragorn ahead of them swung into Brego's saddle; Gimli and Legolas shared Arod. They rode out of the stables together to where Gandalf was waiting with Shadowfax.
"Farewell, white Towers of Gondor!" he cried. Behind him a moderate army stood attentive. "We ride to war!"
"We ride to war!"
*
Trouble stood shamefaced under Root's degrading stare. "You what?"
"She was awake, Commander. We attacked and brought her back as hostage," Trouble said wretchedly. "The city is equalized."
"And what do you plan to do with their MOTHER?" Root's voice raised at the last word.
Foaly snickered.
"We have the fingerprints," Trouble offered.
"One thing done correctly." Root pushed past him. "Where is she?"
Leah sat drooping outside the pods. She was being given a wide berth from the fairies; the electricity from the buzz batons had made her start spacing out.
Foaly examined her. "Just how much buzz do you pack in those batons?" he asked. "Opal Kaboi flushes no doubt." Something to do an a rainy day.
Leah looked at him blearily. "How much sugar did Jennie REALLY eat that night when we went to the candy store?"
Foaly blinked. "A metric ton," he assured her.
Root's eyes narrowed. "What are you DOING?"
"Keep the patient confused and you'll have less need for a mind wipe. Standard really, Julius."
"Don't. call. me. JULIUS!"
Leah blinked at the commander. "A shouting tomato. How unusual."
Foaly tried and failed to stop laughing.
Root's face grew even redder. "She's been drugged," he pronounced. "The creature is not in her right mind."
"Oh, I think she seems pretty lucid, Julius," the centaur said innocently.
The commander was very tempted to decapitate the insolent scientist but controlled himself.
Barely. "Very well, Trouble, let's have a look at these 'fingerprints.'" He deftly changed the subject.
The captain, who was also sniggering, produced a roll on which he had copied the data of the cousins' fingerprints. "Here you are, sir."
Shouting tomato. He couldn't help it - he laughed.
Julius Root buried his head in his hands. When this was over, he was going to crawl in a chute hole and die. Maybe then his talents as Commander would be more appreciated.
*
Jennie half-rose from her saddle and looked around the terrain. She yelled back at Legolas, his bow swinging to thump into her butt as she did so. Flinching, she called, "How much farther?"
He covered a smile at her clumsiness. "Guess," the elf yelled back, pointing at the cloud of ash rising from the nearing Mount Doom.
Tessa grinned. They were close, all right. She knew her cousin just wanted an excuse to talk to - she eyed the elf that was riding next to her - this. babe.
Nudging her horse to a gallop, she sped up and fell into place by Jennie. "So," she said, looking around at the outskirts of Mordor, "how much farther?" She laughed as the other attempted to kick her.
"Well, I just wanted to know," Jennie said, highly affronted.
Tessa rolled her eyes. "Why don't you just ask him if he'll marry you and have done with it?"
Her cousin's eyes misted over. Groaning, Tessa whacked her over the head with Gandalf's staff. "You're pathetic!"
"Just wait till we see Frodo," Jennie said wickedly, rubbing her head. "You won't even bother to ask him to marry you, you'll take it for granted and start-"
Tessa smacked her again, a lot harder. "You shut up!" ((A/N: *cough cough* Let's keep this a PG-13 fic.))
Alison, who was behind them next to Aragorn, snickered. "Now Jennie be nice to your cousin," she said, assuming a big-sister air.
"Like crap she will," Tessa grumbled, glaring at Jennie.
She smirked. "What a beautiful shade of red your face is, Tessa. Like a rose, a blossom of love slowly unfurling its crimson petals as the love of your life draws nearer-"
Gandalf watched, flinching, as his white staff cracked down on Jennie's head for the third time. "Teenagers," he muttered.
Artemis rode up to join the fun. "Say Tessa, you look like Root!"
Remembering what Holly had told them about the overreactive commander, Tessa scowled. "WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Ingrates," she said majestically, and nudged her horse to a gallop.
Ahead of them stretched the Black Gate of Mordor, the sight of which made her slow. "When did we get so far?" Tessa wondered aloud.
"Please, Tessa." Alison followed. "That's worse than 'how far are we'. We've been riding for half an hour."
Artemis heard. He calculated quickly; if that was so, they had about four hours until their time was out.
As the army assembled around the Gate, waiting, they cried insults. "Come forth!" they shrieked. "Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Justice shall be done upon him, for wrongfully has he made war upon Gondor."
Jennie and Tessa exchanged looks. "That's right out of the books," one said in relief.
The Doors opened with a clang, and a monstrous shape came forth, cloaked in black. Artemis shuddered slightly, as did all. It was mounted on a Ringwraith steed, a living man consumed by evil.
"I am the Mouth of Sauron," he said.
Boos came from the general area of Jennie, Tessa, Alison, and Artemis, as well as cries of "Bastard!" and "Jerk!" and "Gah, go take a bath, ratscum; we can smell you from here."
Some of Gondor smiled. Gandalf did not. Protesting, the four were shown to the rear of the company.
The parleying continued as it had in the books. Alison sighed with love when Aragorn faced down the Mouth of Sauron, and Tessa actually screamed when Frodo's garments were shown.
Jennie covered her eyes, not because the of the clothes; rather, her cousin. "It has begun."
Tessa continued to wail. "AAAAaaah, my FROOOODOOOOOO, noooo," she bawled, reaching for the Mithril shirt.
"It is plain that this brat at least has seen these tokens before," said the messenger. "It would be vain to deny them now."
"You FILTH!" Tessa roared, grabbing at the Mithril shirt and yanking it from the Mouth of Sauron's grasp. "You hurt my Frodo! God, I hate you! May all that's foul and stinking torture your miserable hide as you did his! Curse you! CURSE YOU!" She wept over the dwarvish silver, gulping and shaking.
Artemis and Alison joined Jennie in hiding their eyes. Artemis was disgusted. "Is she always like this?"
"Usually," Jennie replied. "When it happened in the movie (we went to see it opening night), you know, and the Orc dude is whipping Frodo, she stood up in the theater and threw our whole bag of popcorn at the screen."
Tessa sniffled, overhearing them. "It was SAD, okay?"
The messenger had ignored this exchange, and had just finished naming the terms of Gondor's surrender, in return for the Halfling.
Gandalf refused.
("When THAT happened in the theater," Jennie confided to Artemis, "it wasn't the popcorn that got hurled- it was our Coke."
"It made quite a splash on the White Wizard," Alison added. "We got thrown out REAL quick after that.")
Having no soda handy, Tessa threw the Mithril shirt at Gandalf. It struck home, unfortunately for the wizard. He yelped. "You're as bad as he is!" the girl raged. "Come on people! This is FRODO! I'd give the citadel of the angels for Frodo!" She cast about for something else to throw.
Finally uncovering her eyes, Jennie surged forward and grabbed her cousin. "Shh! We came along to sneak away right NOW and save him, remember? So just hush!"
At that moment, the Black Gate fully opened. Having been refused, Sauron was pouring out all his strength, thrice that of Saruman's. About two million Orcs were streaming out of the gates, more plentiful than in the movie, more sinister than in the book.
The four from Earth gaped. Tessa managed a whimper before Jennie grabbed her arm and hauled her away. "We have to go NOW! To save the hobbits!"
In the tumult of the battle that followed, nobody noticed four shapes sneaking through the open Black Gate.
*
(cough loudly) If I do not get at least twenty reviews for this chapter I will be MAD! Because this is the BEST chapter in my opinion! I finally show my true colors! GO FRODO! WE LOVE YOU!