Guido
Disclaimer: I do not own the Fellowship, though I wish I owned Legolas. Nor do I own Moria. Guido is sort of mine, though.
A/N: This was inspired by Arwen Lune's "Plotbunnies R Us". I doubt I could come up with this on my own.
"They have a cave troll," Boromir noted as a cave troll ran toward them in the Mines of Moria.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," grumbled Frodo.
"Hey, I was just trying to say my line!" said Boromir. "And that Captain Obvious thing wasn't in the script-"
He was cut short by the cave troll stomping through the door.
"Eek!" said Sam. The cave troll, at least ten feet high, loomed over him.
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir screamed.
"Shut up!" yelled Aragorn as he sliced off some orcs' heads. "Help us kill these! They're all over the place!"
Meanwhile, Legolas climbed onto the cave troll's head and shot at it. Or he would have, except....
"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Merry and Pippin in unison.
Legolas jumped off the troll, looking rather peeved (for an elf). "What?"
"Don't kill it!" Merry protested. "It's just so..."
"Cute and cuddly!!!" Pippin finished.
"What???" said Legolas.
"They have a cave troll!" shouted Boromir.
"We know!" shouted Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas.
"We're trying to kill it!" added Aragorn.
"Don't do that!" said Pippin. "Look! It's not evil, it's just misunderstood! How can you call it evil? Look at its precious little face! Those adorable beady eyes! And don't you just love the squished-up nose! Look at it! It's a good, loving creature!"
Aragorn looked at the cave troll, which was currently biting off an orc's head.
" I think we should keep it," finished Pippin.
"We can talk about this later," Aragorn hissed. "We're busy now." The orcs had politely waited until the Fellowship was done talking to resume trying to kill them.
"Charge!!!" yelled Aragorn. The entire group resumed their shooting, stabbing, and axe-swinging .
The cave troll, tired of eating orcs, looked around for something that wasn't so slimy. It decided against Boromir and went for Frodo, who was busy cowering in the corner and thinking about food. The troll picked up a metal pike and tried to skewer Frodo.
Once all the orcs were dead, Aragorn ran over to help Frodo, who the troll had picked up and was poking.
"Put him down!" Aragorn ordered, slashing the troll across the leg.
"Aragorn, what you just did was illegal!" Merry shouted. "Stop it!"
Aragorn turned to look at the little hobbit. "It was trying to kill Frodo!"
"Nevertheless, that troll is an endangered species and you are not allowed to harm it in any way!" Pippin added. "Frodo, on the contrary, is expendable. There are lots of hobbits. I could be the Ringbearer."
The entire fellowship burst into laughter, except for Frodo, who was occupied with trying to breathe.
"You...Ringbearer..." Gimli gasped in between guffaws. "Right."
"They have a cave troll!" said Boromir. "And we can't let it kill Frodo."
"Why not?" whined Pippin.
"Because then you'd be the ringbearer," Merry whispered. It took Pippin an entire hour to realize that he had been insulted.
"Anyway," Merry continued, "you may not harm this troll, because it is endangered."
"And how do you know this?" Aragorn asked.
"Gandalf's laptop!" said Pippin. Sure enough, on the computer screen, was a web page entitled "Cave Trolls Are So an Endangered Species, Aragorn".
"Hey, you made that up," protested Aragorn.
"Did not," said Pippin. "Anyway, you can't kill it."
"Fine," groaned the ranger. "Then let's take Frodo and get out. He's unconscious now."
"We can't leave the cave troll, either," Merry told him. "It would fall under the category of Neglect, and that's illegal too. We must take it with us."
"It tried to kill me!" said Frodo.
"You're supposed to be unconscious!" Gimli told him.
"Oops," said Frodo, who slumped over again.
"We can't take it!" Aragorn said forcefully. "I have enough problems having to save Frodo's ass 24/7 and I don't have time for a troll!"
"The troll can take care of itself!" Merry shouted.
"It needs a name," Pippin told Merry.
"No, don't do that, naming it just makes it more permanent, and since we aren't taking it with us we shouldn't-"
Merry cut Aragorn off mid-rant. "I'm thinking Rover."
"Guido," said Pippin. "Definitely Guido."
"Rover."
"Guido."
"Rover."
"Guido."
"Gimli," put in Legolas.
"Legolas," put in Gimli.
"Guido!!!"
"Rover!!!"
"Guido!!!"
Merry was silent. "Okay, then," Pippin said happily. "I'm glad you've seen the light. Guido it is!"
Merry, who had yelled so loudly that he could no longer talk, shook his head, but nobody saw him.
Aragorn looked like he was going to cry. "Guys," he said, "we can't take it with us! We just can't! It'll get in the way! No!"
"Guido is not an it," Pippin informed Aragorn. "Guido is a he."
***
"So how are we going to get Guido across this?" Aragorn asked. The group was standing at the stairs, and there was a huge gap.
"He could jump..." Pippin trailed off.
"Guido is about three times as wide as the damn stairs!!!" shouted Aragorn. "It's not going to work!" The Fellowship had never seen the ranger this angry, and Gandalf cast him a stern look. "Use your inside voice, okay Aragorn?"
"Gandalf..." whispered Aragorn. "That's it! Use your magic to float Guido across!" He dropped his voice to a whisper. "But drop him off the side. Please?"
"I heard that," said Legolas.
"Heard what?" asked Pippin.
"Nothing..." Legolas sang.
"I'll give you beer if you tell me."
"I don't want beer..."
"No, Aragorn," Gandalf answered. "I cannot. Guido is an endangered species."
The wizard picked up his staff, said a few choice words, and Guido magically hovered across the gap and down the stairs to safety.
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" said Merry, who had regained the use of his vocal chords just for this scene. "I wanna fly! Make me fly!"
Gandalf rolled his eyes and sent the whole Fellowship across one by one. "I don't think I was supposed to do that," he said. "The folks back at Hogwarts are going to kill me..."
***
"This is it," Sam breathed. "The Bridge of Khazad-Dum." He pulled out a Camcorder and started videotaping. "Wave, Legolas!"
Legolas shot an arrow right into the lens, shattering it. "Sam, we are being chased by a Balrog. There's no time for this!"
"Oh, right," said Sam, and ran across the bridge, followed by everyone else, including Guido.
"Here comes the Balrog," said Gandalf.
"They have a cave troll," said Boromir.
"We have the cave troll now," Pippin corrected.
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf yelled.
"Yes I shall!" the Balrog replied.
"Ooh, it's cute and cuddly too...." said Pippin.
"Don't even," Aragorn told him.
"You are so not passing!" cried Gandalf.
"I so am!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
Gandalf pounded his staff on the bridge, which immediately began to crumble away.
"Dammit!" said the Balrog as it fell into the dark abyss.
"Don't just stand there watching it, run!" yelled Aragorn.
Gandalf did as he was told and walked across the bridge to safety.
A/N: Well, what did you think? It's my first fic, so please don't be too hard on it, but all reviews are appreciated. The next chapter (Lothlorien) will only come up if you review... :-)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Fellowship, though I wish I owned Legolas. Nor do I own Moria. Guido is sort of mine, though.
A/N: This was inspired by Arwen Lune's "Plotbunnies R Us". I doubt I could come up with this on my own.
"They have a cave troll," Boromir noted as a cave troll ran toward them in the Mines of Moria.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," grumbled Frodo.
"Hey, I was just trying to say my line!" said Boromir. "And that Captain Obvious thing wasn't in the script-"
He was cut short by the cave troll stomping through the door.
"Eek!" said Sam. The cave troll, at least ten feet high, loomed over him.
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir screamed.
"Shut up!" yelled Aragorn as he sliced off some orcs' heads. "Help us kill these! They're all over the place!"
Meanwhile, Legolas climbed onto the cave troll's head and shot at it. Or he would have, except....
"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Merry and Pippin in unison.
Legolas jumped off the troll, looking rather peeved (for an elf). "What?"
"Don't kill it!" Merry protested. "It's just so..."
"Cute and cuddly!!!" Pippin finished.
"What???" said Legolas.
"They have a cave troll!" shouted Boromir.
"We know!" shouted Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas.
"We're trying to kill it!" added Aragorn.
"Don't do that!" said Pippin. "Look! It's not evil, it's just misunderstood! How can you call it evil? Look at its precious little face! Those adorable beady eyes! And don't you just love the squished-up nose! Look at it! It's a good, loving creature!"
Aragorn looked at the cave troll, which was currently biting off an orc's head.
" I think we should keep it," finished Pippin.
"We can talk about this later," Aragorn hissed. "We're busy now." The orcs had politely waited until the Fellowship was done talking to resume trying to kill them.
"Charge!!!" yelled Aragorn. The entire group resumed their shooting, stabbing, and axe-swinging .
The cave troll, tired of eating orcs, looked around for something that wasn't so slimy. It decided against Boromir and went for Frodo, who was busy cowering in the corner and thinking about food. The troll picked up a metal pike and tried to skewer Frodo.
Once all the orcs were dead, Aragorn ran over to help Frodo, who the troll had picked up and was poking.
"Put him down!" Aragorn ordered, slashing the troll across the leg.
"Aragorn, what you just did was illegal!" Merry shouted. "Stop it!"
Aragorn turned to look at the little hobbit. "It was trying to kill Frodo!"
"Nevertheless, that troll is an endangered species and you are not allowed to harm it in any way!" Pippin added. "Frodo, on the contrary, is expendable. There are lots of hobbits. I could be the Ringbearer."
The entire fellowship burst into laughter, except for Frodo, who was occupied with trying to breathe.
"You...Ringbearer..." Gimli gasped in between guffaws. "Right."
"They have a cave troll!" said Boromir. "And we can't let it kill Frodo."
"Why not?" whined Pippin.
"Because then you'd be the ringbearer," Merry whispered. It took Pippin an entire hour to realize that he had been insulted.
"Anyway," Merry continued, "you may not harm this troll, because it is endangered."
"And how do you know this?" Aragorn asked.
"Gandalf's laptop!" said Pippin. Sure enough, on the computer screen, was a web page entitled "Cave Trolls Are So an Endangered Species, Aragorn".
"Hey, you made that up," protested Aragorn.
"Did not," said Pippin. "Anyway, you can't kill it."
"Fine," groaned the ranger. "Then let's take Frodo and get out. He's unconscious now."
"We can't leave the cave troll, either," Merry told him. "It would fall under the category of Neglect, and that's illegal too. We must take it with us."
"It tried to kill me!" said Frodo.
"You're supposed to be unconscious!" Gimli told him.
"Oops," said Frodo, who slumped over again.
"We can't take it!" Aragorn said forcefully. "I have enough problems having to save Frodo's ass 24/7 and I don't have time for a troll!"
"The troll can take care of itself!" Merry shouted.
"It needs a name," Pippin told Merry.
"No, don't do that, naming it just makes it more permanent, and since we aren't taking it with us we shouldn't-"
Merry cut Aragorn off mid-rant. "I'm thinking Rover."
"Guido," said Pippin. "Definitely Guido."
"Rover."
"Guido."
"Rover."
"Guido."
"Gimli," put in Legolas.
"Legolas," put in Gimli.
"Guido!!!"
"Rover!!!"
"Guido!!!"
Merry was silent. "Okay, then," Pippin said happily. "I'm glad you've seen the light. Guido it is!"
Merry, who had yelled so loudly that he could no longer talk, shook his head, but nobody saw him.
Aragorn looked like he was going to cry. "Guys," he said, "we can't take it with us! We just can't! It'll get in the way! No!"
"Guido is not an it," Pippin informed Aragorn. "Guido is a he."
***
"So how are we going to get Guido across this?" Aragorn asked. The group was standing at the stairs, and there was a huge gap.
"He could jump..." Pippin trailed off.
"Guido is about three times as wide as the damn stairs!!!" shouted Aragorn. "It's not going to work!" The Fellowship had never seen the ranger this angry, and Gandalf cast him a stern look. "Use your inside voice, okay Aragorn?"
"Gandalf..." whispered Aragorn. "That's it! Use your magic to float Guido across!" He dropped his voice to a whisper. "But drop him off the side. Please?"
"I heard that," said Legolas.
"Heard what?" asked Pippin.
"Nothing..." Legolas sang.
"I'll give you beer if you tell me."
"I don't want beer..."
"No, Aragorn," Gandalf answered. "I cannot. Guido is an endangered species."
The wizard picked up his staff, said a few choice words, and Guido magically hovered across the gap and down the stairs to safety.
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" said Merry, who had regained the use of his vocal chords just for this scene. "I wanna fly! Make me fly!"
Gandalf rolled his eyes and sent the whole Fellowship across one by one. "I don't think I was supposed to do that," he said. "The folks back at Hogwarts are going to kill me..."
***
"This is it," Sam breathed. "The Bridge of Khazad-Dum." He pulled out a Camcorder and started videotaping. "Wave, Legolas!"
Legolas shot an arrow right into the lens, shattering it. "Sam, we are being chased by a Balrog. There's no time for this!"
"Oh, right," said Sam, and ran across the bridge, followed by everyone else, including Guido.
"Here comes the Balrog," said Gandalf.
"They have a cave troll," said Boromir.
"We have the cave troll now," Pippin corrected.
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf yelled.
"Yes I shall!" the Balrog replied.
"Ooh, it's cute and cuddly too...." said Pippin.
"Don't even," Aragorn told him.
"You are so not passing!" cried Gandalf.
"I so am!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
Gandalf pounded his staff on the bridge, which immediately began to crumble away.
"Dammit!" said the Balrog as it fell into the dark abyss.
"Don't just stand there watching it, run!" yelled Aragorn.
Gandalf did as he was told and walked across the bridge to safety.
A/N: Well, what did you think? It's my first fic, so please don't be too hard on it, but all reviews are appreciated. The next chapter (Lothlorien) will only come up if you review... :-)