Guido, chapter 2
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except for Guido, who is not really evil, just misunderstood.
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one! The reviews inspired me to get working on this chapter. Thanks again and please keep the reviews coming!
"Here's one dwarf they won't ensnare so quickly!" Gimli growled. "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox-"
A sudden thump sound made the dwarf and all three hobbits jump in surprise.
"It's only Guido," Aragorn groaned. "He knocked a tree over." To Merry and Pippin he said, "Why did we take him along?"
Suddenly four or five elf-guards surrounded the Fellowship, bowstrings drawn. Haldir stepped forward. "The troll is so loud we could have shot him in the dark, with no sight and no hearing, with our brains tied behind our backs, with-"
"That will suffice," Aragorn told him. "Haldir, we need your protection."
"From the orcs?"
"From Guido."
"Why did you bring a troll here?" asked Haldir.
"Ask them." Aragorn pointed to Merry and Pippin, who were trying to get Guido to fetch, with little success. Guido seemed more interested in eating Haldir and his friends.
"Guido is an endangered species," Pippin informed the elf, "and you shall be severely punished if you do not give him refuge."
"Like what punishment?" Haldir challenged. "There is almost nothing you can do to me that will-"
"If you don't give Guido shelter," Merry answered, "Boromir will read you some of his poetry."
"Come on in," said Haldir quickly. "She is waiting."
***
"Eight there are here, yet nine-, wait a second, sorry, nine there are here,yet nine-, no, ten there are here, yet nine there were, set out from Rivendell." Celeborn looked extremely flustered. "I have one line in the whole damn movie and your stupid troll just killed it!"
"My god..." said the Lady Galadriel. "What is that thing? It's hideous!"
"Guido is a he," Pippin said. "And I am really getting tired of having to tell everyone this."
"They have a cave troll!" announced Boromir. He sounded somewhat alarmed.
Everyone within earshot turned to glare at him. "It has been established that they do indeed have a cave troll," Legolas replied sarcastically. "Further news as events continue."
"I am really sorry about this," Gandalf said to Celeborn. "Look, we only need to stay for one night. Please let us."
"I'm sorry, Gandalf, but Guido just can't stay!" protested Celeborn. "He's too big! The rest of you can stay, as long as Boromir doesn't read any poetry, but Guido has to go."
"The thing is, Celeborn, according to the little kiddles over there, Guido is endangered."
"I still refuse. Not even Boromir's poetry can scare me into keeping that thing in my forest."
Gandalf sighed. "I take it you haven't heard Boromir's poetry."
"I actually haven't. It can't be that bad."
"Boromir!" Gandalf called. "Share your newest poem with this fine fellow. You know, the one about the slugs."
"Yay!" said Boromir, who promptly bounced over and began to recite. After about five seconds, Celeborn's eyes had glazed over.
"That is awful," the elf-lord said, once Gandalf had slapped him awake. "Fine, Guido can stay. But just for one night."
"Of course," agreed Gandalf. "Boromir, you may return to - what were you doing before I called you over?"
"I was about to comment that they had a cave troll."
"Well then. Please, do that."
"But I had 700 stanzas to go!" whined Boromir.
"That guy is bad news," Celeborn whispered as Boromir walked away.
"Yeah. I tried to shove him off the stairs in Moria, but..."
***
When the group was about to set off in the morning, Galadriel announced that she had gifts to give. Frodo got a flashlight, Sam a bungee cord, Legolas a dart gun, and Boromir some sticky taffy ("To keep his mouth glued shut," Galadriel told Aragorn). Aragorn and Gandalf got earplugs, which they immediately put in, Gimli got nail polish, and Merry and Pippin received a large bag of Troll Chow.
"That was a nice gesture," Merry told Galadriel. "Thank you for thinking of Guido."
"Guido ate three people last night," Galadriel commented. "I just wanted to save you from being ingested, although I frankly wouldn't mind if your pet ate Boromir."
"It was a nice idea anyway," said Pippin. "Thanks."
Galadriel and Celeborn waved goodbye as the Fellowship set out in their rowboats, Guido dogpaddling faithfully behind.
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir yelled about twenty minutes after departure.
"Have some taffy," Frodo told him. "Then read us a poem."
"Okay!" said Boromir, popping some taffy into his mouth. "I can't believe this! Nobody's ever taken an interest in my poetry be-" He stopped, unable to move his jaws. "Gwoomph!"
"No, really, let's hear something!" Aragorn was now in on the mayhem too.
"Nnghfweh," agreed Boromir. "Eerogwah. Noobaquaff zprts. Jkavfdsfo yofasnb ptat gksl-"
By this time nobody was able to hear Boromir because they were laughing so hard. Merry was in such hysterics that he fell out of the boat twice. Oblivious, Boromir continued.
"Dnr zlquef rtsvibjfbas!" he said dramatically. "Vuorp dsosfiah! Hsfadvs! Vplkecytlkjdf!"
"No wonder he's not married," Gimli commented.
"This is pathetic," Legolas agreed. "I wonder how long it takes to wear off."
His question was answered very soon.
"Lsadfptoai, tfdasrekrwal asghstcvx - hey!" Boromir rubbed his mouth, surprised. "What was that stuff?"
"I dunno," said Merry. "Maybe you'll be able to figure it out if you have some more..."
"Okay..." Boromir reached into the bag and pulled out another piece. "I wonder what flavor ths sshgtsf. Rtjkbcvg. Mnoo..."
A/N: Well? Please keep reviewing! More "fun" is on its way! *evil cackle*
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except for Guido, who is not really evil, just misunderstood.
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one! The reviews inspired me to get working on this chapter. Thanks again and please keep the reviews coming!
"Here's one dwarf they won't ensnare so quickly!" Gimli growled. "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox-"
A sudden thump sound made the dwarf and all three hobbits jump in surprise.
"It's only Guido," Aragorn groaned. "He knocked a tree over." To Merry and Pippin he said, "Why did we take him along?"
Suddenly four or five elf-guards surrounded the Fellowship, bowstrings drawn. Haldir stepped forward. "The troll is so loud we could have shot him in the dark, with no sight and no hearing, with our brains tied behind our backs, with-"
"That will suffice," Aragorn told him. "Haldir, we need your protection."
"From the orcs?"
"From Guido."
"Why did you bring a troll here?" asked Haldir.
"Ask them." Aragorn pointed to Merry and Pippin, who were trying to get Guido to fetch, with little success. Guido seemed more interested in eating Haldir and his friends.
"Guido is an endangered species," Pippin informed the elf, "and you shall be severely punished if you do not give him refuge."
"Like what punishment?" Haldir challenged. "There is almost nothing you can do to me that will-"
"If you don't give Guido shelter," Merry answered, "Boromir will read you some of his poetry."
"Come on in," said Haldir quickly. "She is waiting."
***
"Eight there are here, yet nine-, wait a second, sorry, nine there are here,yet nine-, no, ten there are here, yet nine there were, set out from Rivendell." Celeborn looked extremely flustered. "I have one line in the whole damn movie and your stupid troll just killed it!"
"My god..." said the Lady Galadriel. "What is that thing? It's hideous!"
"Guido is a he," Pippin said. "And I am really getting tired of having to tell everyone this."
"They have a cave troll!" announced Boromir. He sounded somewhat alarmed.
Everyone within earshot turned to glare at him. "It has been established that they do indeed have a cave troll," Legolas replied sarcastically. "Further news as events continue."
"I am really sorry about this," Gandalf said to Celeborn. "Look, we only need to stay for one night. Please let us."
"I'm sorry, Gandalf, but Guido just can't stay!" protested Celeborn. "He's too big! The rest of you can stay, as long as Boromir doesn't read any poetry, but Guido has to go."
"The thing is, Celeborn, according to the little kiddles over there, Guido is endangered."
"I still refuse. Not even Boromir's poetry can scare me into keeping that thing in my forest."
Gandalf sighed. "I take it you haven't heard Boromir's poetry."
"I actually haven't. It can't be that bad."
"Boromir!" Gandalf called. "Share your newest poem with this fine fellow. You know, the one about the slugs."
"Yay!" said Boromir, who promptly bounced over and began to recite. After about five seconds, Celeborn's eyes had glazed over.
"That is awful," the elf-lord said, once Gandalf had slapped him awake. "Fine, Guido can stay. But just for one night."
"Of course," agreed Gandalf. "Boromir, you may return to - what were you doing before I called you over?"
"I was about to comment that they had a cave troll."
"Well then. Please, do that."
"But I had 700 stanzas to go!" whined Boromir.
"That guy is bad news," Celeborn whispered as Boromir walked away.
"Yeah. I tried to shove him off the stairs in Moria, but..."
***
When the group was about to set off in the morning, Galadriel announced that she had gifts to give. Frodo got a flashlight, Sam a bungee cord, Legolas a dart gun, and Boromir some sticky taffy ("To keep his mouth glued shut," Galadriel told Aragorn). Aragorn and Gandalf got earplugs, which they immediately put in, Gimli got nail polish, and Merry and Pippin received a large bag of Troll Chow.
"That was a nice gesture," Merry told Galadriel. "Thank you for thinking of Guido."
"Guido ate three people last night," Galadriel commented. "I just wanted to save you from being ingested, although I frankly wouldn't mind if your pet ate Boromir."
"It was a nice idea anyway," said Pippin. "Thanks."
Galadriel and Celeborn waved goodbye as the Fellowship set out in their rowboats, Guido dogpaddling faithfully behind.
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir yelled about twenty minutes after departure.
"Have some taffy," Frodo told him. "Then read us a poem."
"Okay!" said Boromir, popping some taffy into his mouth. "I can't believe this! Nobody's ever taken an interest in my poetry be-" He stopped, unable to move his jaws. "Gwoomph!"
"No, really, let's hear something!" Aragorn was now in on the mayhem too.
"Nnghfweh," agreed Boromir. "Eerogwah. Noobaquaff zprts. Jkavfdsfo yofasnb ptat gksl-"
By this time nobody was able to hear Boromir because they were laughing so hard. Merry was in such hysterics that he fell out of the boat twice. Oblivious, Boromir continued.
"Dnr zlquef rtsvibjfbas!" he said dramatically. "Vuorp dsosfiah! Hsfadvs! Vplkecytlkjdf!"
"No wonder he's not married," Gimli commented.
"This is pathetic," Legolas agreed. "I wonder how long it takes to wear off."
His question was answered very soon.
"Lsadfptoai, tfdasrekrwal asghstcvx - hey!" Boromir rubbed his mouth, surprised. "What was that stuff?"
"I dunno," said Merry. "Maybe you'll be able to figure it out if you have some more..."
"Okay..." Boromir reached into the bag and pulled out another piece. "I wonder what flavor ths sshgtsf. Rtjkbcvg. Mnoo..."
A/N: Well? Please keep reviewing! More "fun" is on its way! *evil cackle*