Guido, chapter 3
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone but Guido, blah blah.
A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews! I LOVE getting them, so if you are reading this, it would be great if you reviewed! Thanks, y'all! And I'm sorry about all the Boromir-bashing, too; it's likely there will be more coming, so if you have any warm, fuzzy feelings toward the guy, don't say I didn't warn you...actually, I think I bash everyone in this chapter...I'm sorry, I really do love the whole big bunch!
Another A/N: In this chapter you get to hear Boromir's poetry...beware!
The Fellowship floated down the river Anduin with Guido swimming behind. Every now and then, Merry and Pippin would throw Guido a kibble, which he would eagerly ingest. The rest of the Fellowship, however, was bored stiff. Everyone had grown weary of listening to Boromir's taffy-induced poetry.
"We need something to do," commented Sam.
"We do need something to do," Frodo agreed.
"Just our luck the author of this stupid fic doesn't know what's going to happen next," said Gimli.
The author, who was in a feisty mood, decided to have Aragorn and Gandalf sing "Ninety-nine bottles of Beer on the Wall." So they did. Everyone else joined in around seventy, because annoying songs are a lot less annoying when you're singing them instead of just listening. Then, as revenge for his comment about the quality of this fic, the author decided to have Gimli fall out of the boat, only to have Guido pick him up and put him back in.
Merry and Pippin were astounded. "Wow!" they said in unison (they'd been practicing in case Guido did something cool). "Guido did something cool!"
"I am sorry for anything bad I ever said about that troll," Gimli apologized. "It's a good creature, just misunderstood! I have it to thank for-"
"Guido is a he!!!" Merry and Pippin screamed in unison (they'd been practicing this, too; in fact, they had over one hundred phrases at their disposal).
"Oops," said Gimli. "Well then. I am sorry for anything bad I said about that troll. He's a good-"
Legolas elbowed him. "Dude, orcs!" the blond elf said. "They're patrolling the eastern shore! A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind!"
"That isn't proper grammar," said Sam, annoyed. "See, if you were to say, 'A shadow has been growing in my mind' or 'A threat has been growing in my mind' that would be fine, but since you're talking about two things you have to use the plural, which would be 'A shadow and a threat have been gr- "
"Stuff it," replied Legolas. "You're just jealous because I'm prettier than you."
Sam, who was jealous for just that reason, said "Just because you get all the girls doesn't mean you're better than me."
"Yes it does, you little-" Legolas, using the elven agility that made so many fangirls worship him, jumped into Sam's boat. Sam responded by trying to push him out, and, well, it went downhill from there.
***
"Like, Shaniqua?" an Uruk-hai asked the leader of the tracking party. "Do you, like, see them? Or do we have to keep running?"
Shaniqua adjusted her binoculars. "No, they're totally not, like - oh, wait! There they are, in the boats! They're totally like, beating the crap out of each other-"
Sure enough, the entire Fellowship was now in on the fight. Guido wanted to eat someone, but it was difficult to pick just one body out of the wiggling mass.
Shaniqua continued. "So, oh my god, they are like totally killing each other. You so have to see this, Fifi!"
Fifi took the binoculars. "Whoah, they, like, are. Ohmygod, that's so, like, weird, 'cause you know how we were, like, supposed to kill them, but now they, like, are doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to because, like, they are doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to because, like, they're doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to?" Her tiny Uruk-hai brain struggled to get the point across.
"I, like, totally get you!" replied Shaniqua. "We don't even, like, have to kill them 'cause, like, they already are, you know?"
"Yeah, and we can, like, go home and tell Saruman we did what he wanted!"
"Wait, but he, like, totally told us to, like, bring the little short guys back..."
"Oh yeah...we could run away and, like, never go back to Isengard!"
"Totally! And we could, like, spend our time helping noble causes!"
"But, like, you know what we, like, need first?"
"What?"
"A, like, slumber party!"
"Yay!" replied all the Uruk-hai who were accompanying them. "Let's go find a spot.!"
***
Frodo was off wandering around when suddenly Boromir was behind him.
"Nobody should wander alone," he said. "You least of all."
"Leave me the hell alone," said Frodo. "Please, I insist."
"Was my poetry really that bad?"
"You have no idea."
"Hmm. Well, this one ought to change your mind!" Boromir said triumphantly. "It's called 'Ode to Adobe Photoshop Version 4.0' and I think you'll really-"
"Get AWAY!!!" Frodo screamed, running as fast as his hairy little feet would carry him.
***
"Aragorn! Dude, I am so glad to see you," Frodo said to the Ranger.
"And I you, Frodo," the Ranger said gravely. "Boromir was - well, reciting again. I told him I needed to get firewood." His glance strayed to the Ring around Frodo's neck.
"Would you destroy it?" Frodo asked. "Pretty pretty please with Legolas on top?"
"Dammit!" Aragorn screamed. "Everyone loves that guy!"
"I was just kidding," said Frodo. "Honestly."
"Yeah, well- Uruk-hai! Run!" Aragorn shouted. "I'll hold them off! Run!"
***
"Ooh, this looks like, like, a totally glam place for our slumber party!" Fifi giggled as she ran up the hill. "I think it's big enough for all of us to- eek, a man!"
"Eee!" giggled the rest of the Uruk-hai.
Shaniqua approached the man (who was Aragorn) to ask if she could use the hill, but before she had even begun, he sliced her head off and charged screaming into the cluster of Uruk-hai.
"This is, like, so totally not our week," Fifi panted as she ran from the beserk ranger.
*insert battle scene here*
"Boromir!" shouted Aragorn, rushing to the wounded man's side. "Boromir! I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the white city fall!"
"Dude, you rock," gasped Boromir. "Tell Frodo...tell Frodo..."
"What? Tell him what?" pressed Aragorn, afraid that the dying man had some piece of vital information.
"Tell him...tell him I said this..." Boromir gasped.
"O Photoshop, Photoshop, hats off to thee,
You start with a P and end in a P
You let me mess around with photos I get
Off the big wide internet!
"Oh Photoshop, Photoshop, I salute you
Just one click and you turn my hair blue
Photoshop, Photoshop, please oh please..."
Boromir gasped one last, long gasp for air, knowing he would die very soon.
"Do away with moldy peas."
"Whatever," Aragorn muttered as he walked away. Suddenly, Fifi, the only Uruk-hai left on the premises, tackled him from behind. She stood above him and prepared to slit his throat.
"You, like, totally killed my slumber party, you stupid man!" she growled.
Before Fifi knew what was happening, she was being lifted into the air by - who else - Guido. (Remember him? He was the main character before I started making fun of everyone.)
"Roar!" roared Guido before shoving Fifi in his mouth as if she were a large, slimy marshmallow.
"Thanks, dude," said Aragorn, getting up.
***
"No, Sam!" Frodo called across the river. "I'm going to Mordor alone!" Sam waded in after him, but it was no use, since he couldn't swim.
"Forgot...my...water wings..." he burbled as he tried desperately to keep his head above water. "Blorp..."
"I'm going to Mordor alone!" Frodo said again, not about to let the dramatic tension cease because of Sam.
"Or not," he continued, disgruntled, as Guido plopped a very wet Sam into Frodo's little boat.
"Thanks for saving me, Mr. Frodo," Sam grumbled, trying in vain to get some of the water out of his clothes.
Frodo said nothing, just fumed silently as the boat sailed off into the sunset, Guido paddling faithfully after it.
A/N: Well, what do you think? I was planning to end it here, but if I get enough requests for the adventure to continue, I just may do that...*evil smile* Anyway, please review! This is my favorite chapter out of the three...PLEASE tell me what you think!
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone but Guido, blah blah.
A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews! I LOVE getting them, so if you are reading this, it would be great if you reviewed! Thanks, y'all! And I'm sorry about all the Boromir-bashing, too; it's likely there will be more coming, so if you have any warm, fuzzy feelings toward the guy, don't say I didn't warn you...actually, I think I bash everyone in this chapter...I'm sorry, I really do love the whole big bunch!
Another A/N: In this chapter you get to hear Boromir's poetry...beware!
The Fellowship floated down the river Anduin with Guido swimming behind. Every now and then, Merry and Pippin would throw Guido a kibble, which he would eagerly ingest. The rest of the Fellowship, however, was bored stiff. Everyone had grown weary of listening to Boromir's taffy-induced poetry.
"We need something to do," commented Sam.
"We do need something to do," Frodo agreed.
"Just our luck the author of this stupid fic doesn't know what's going to happen next," said Gimli.
The author, who was in a feisty mood, decided to have Aragorn and Gandalf sing "Ninety-nine bottles of Beer on the Wall." So they did. Everyone else joined in around seventy, because annoying songs are a lot less annoying when you're singing them instead of just listening. Then, as revenge for his comment about the quality of this fic, the author decided to have Gimli fall out of the boat, only to have Guido pick him up and put him back in.
Merry and Pippin were astounded. "Wow!" they said in unison (they'd been practicing in case Guido did something cool). "Guido did something cool!"
"I am sorry for anything bad I ever said about that troll," Gimli apologized. "It's a good creature, just misunderstood! I have it to thank for-"
"Guido is a he!!!" Merry and Pippin screamed in unison (they'd been practicing this, too; in fact, they had over one hundred phrases at their disposal).
"Oops," said Gimli. "Well then. I am sorry for anything bad I said about that troll. He's a good-"
Legolas elbowed him. "Dude, orcs!" the blond elf said. "They're patrolling the eastern shore! A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind!"
"That isn't proper grammar," said Sam, annoyed. "See, if you were to say, 'A shadow has been growing in my mind' or 'A threat has been growing in my mind' that would be fine, but since you're talking about two things you have to use the plural, which would be 'A shadow and a threat have been gr- "
"Stuff it," replied Legolas. "You're just jealous because I'm prettier than you."
Sam, who was jealous for just that reason, said "Just because you get all the girls doesn't mean you're better than me."
"Yes it does, you little-" Legolas, using the elven agility that made so many fangirls worship him, jumped into Sam's boat. Sam responded by trying to push him out, and, well, it went downhill from there.
***
"Like, Shaniqua?" an Uruk-hai asked the leader of the tracking party. "Do you, like, see them? Or do we have to keep running?"
Shaniqua adjusted her binoculars. "No, they're totally not, like - oh, wait! There they are, in the boats! They're totally like, beating the crap out of each other-"
Sure enough, the entire Fellowship was now in on the fight. Guido wanted to eat someone, but it was difficult to pick just one body out of the wiggling mass.
Shaniqua continued. "So, oh my god, they are like totally killing each other. You so have to see this, Fifi!"
Fifi took the binoculars. "Whoah, they, like, are. Ohmygod, that's so, like, weird, 'cause you know how we were, like, supposed to kill them, but now they, like, are doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to because, like, they are doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to because, like, they're doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to?" Her tiny Uruk-hai brain struggled to get the point across.
"I, like, totally get you!" replied Shaniqua. "We don't even, like, have to kill them 'cause, like, they already are, you know?"
"Yeah, and we can, like, go home and tell Saruman we did what he wanted!"
"Wait, but he, like, totally told us to, like, bring the little short guys back..."
"Oh yeah...we could run away and, like, never go back to Isengard!"
"Totally! And we could, like, spend our time helping noble causes!"
"But, like, you know what we, like, need first?"
"What?"
"A, like, slumber party!"
"Yay!" replied all the Uruk-hai who were accompanying them. "Let's go find a spot.!"
***
Frodo was off wandering around when suddenly Boromir was behind him.
"Nobody should wander alone," he said. "You least of all."
"Leave me the hell alone," said Frodo. "Please, I insist."
"Was my poetry really that bad?"
"You have no idea."
"Hmm. Well, this one ought to change your mind!" Boromir said triumphantly. "It's called 'Ode to Adobe Photoshop Version 4.0' and I think you'll really-"
"Get AWAY!!!" Frodo screamed, running as fast as his hairy little feet would carry him.
***
"Aragorn! Dude, I am so glad to see you," Frodo said to the Ranger.
"And I you, Frodo," the Ranger said gravely. "Boromir was - well, reciting again. I told him I needed to get firewood." His glance strayed to the Ring around Frodo's neck.
"Would you destroy it?" Frodo asked. "Pretty pretty please with Legolas on top?"
"Dammit!" Aragorn screamed. "Everyone loves that guy!"
"I was just kidding," said Frodo. "Honestly."
"Yeah, well- Uruk-hai! Run!" Aragorn shouted. "I'll hold them off! Run!"
***
"Ooh, this looks like, like, a totally glam place for our slumber party!" Fifi giggled as she ran up the hill. "I think it's big enough for all of us to- eek, a man!"
"Eee!" giggled the rest of the Uruk-hai.
Shaniqua approached the man (who was Aragorn) to ask if she could use the hill, but before she had even begun, he sliced her head off and charged screaming into the cluster of Uruk-hai.
"This is, like, so totally not our week," Fifi panted as she ran from the beserk ranger.
*insert battle scene here*
"Boromir!" shouted Aragorn, rushing to the wounded man's side. "Boromir! I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the white city fall!"
"Dude, you rock," gasped Boromir. "Tell Frodo...tell Frodo..."
"What? Tell him what?" pressed Aragorn, afraid that the dying man had some piece of vital information.
"Tell him...tell him I said this..." Boromir gasped.
"O Photoshop, Photoshop, hats off to thee,
You start with a P and end in a P
You let me mess around with photos I get
Off the big wide internet!
"Oh Photoshop, Photoshop, I salute you
Just one click and you turn my hair blue
Photoshop, Photoshop, please oh please..."
Boromir gasped one last, long gasp for air, knowing he would die very soon.
"Do away with moldy peas."
"Whatever," Aragorn muttered as he walked away. Suddenly, Fifi, the only Uruk-hai left on the premises, tackled him from behind. She stood above him and prepared to slit his throat.
"You, like, totally killed my slumber party, you stupid man!" she growled.
Before Fifi knew what was happening, she was being lifted into the air by - who else - Guido. (Remember him? He was the main character before I started making fun of everyone.)
"Roar!" roared Guido before shoving Fifi in his mouth as if she were a large, slimy marshmallow.
"Thanks, dude," said Aragorn, getting up.
***
"No, Sam!" Frodo called across the river. "I'm going to Mordor alone!" Sam waded in after him, but it was no use, since he couldn't swim.
"Forgot...my...water wings..." he burbled as he tried desperately to keep his head above water. "Blorp..."
"I'm going to Mordor alone!" Frodo said again, not about to let the dramatic tension cease because of Sam.
"Or not," he continued, disgruntled, as Guido plopped a very wet Sam into Frodo's little boat.
"Thanks for saving me, Mr. Frodo," Sam grumbled, trying in vain to get some of the water out of his clothes.
Frodo said nothing, just fumed silently as the boat sailed off into the sunset, Guido paddling faithfully after it.
A/N: Well, what do you think? I was planning to end it here, but if I get enough requests for the adventure to continue, I just may do that...*evil smile* Anyway, please review! This is my favorite chapter out of the three...PLEASE tell me what you think!