The Fox
I'm not your average bounty hunter.
I don't carry a gun, not loaded anyway. Got a knife or two and a few other gadgets, but that's about it. I'm not big and buff. Some even say I'm somewhat fat. I'm not a huge fan of wrestling. I don't really like fighting.
And yet, I'm one of the best in the business.
They call me the Fox in bounty hunter circles. I mean, when they talk at all. When I come into their clubs, everything goes silent. They're all shaking in their boots a little bit. Now, that's what I call respect. See, I'm the one who caught 150 men single handedly and led them all to Aku. So most of my colleagues have this idea that if they look at me the wrong way they're next. I'm not like that. I'm only after the people on the list, the ones with that huge reward next to their names.
Of course I had to go after the dude in white pajamas at the top of the list.
I kept close tabs on him ever since that day he mysteriously appeared in that Central Hub. Aku isn't too favorable about people who mysterious appear. They always cause trouble.
I wasn't expecting the bounty on this guy. Two googolplex! Now, we all knew that was a lot of money, but I don't think anybody else figured it up like I did. That's astronomical! Of course, it also meant that this guy was a challenge. Well, that's an understatement. From the stories I heard, he was next to impossible to catch. I can't count how many of my colleagues had him in their grasp only to see him slip out of their fingers.
But I knew they were going about it the wrong way. They were playing to his strength. I knew how to hit his weakness.
I had everything planned. I headed out to a spot where some scouts said he was heading. I spent the good part of a day digging a ditch deep into the earth in the middle of nowhere. I even added a little water to make it more interesting. It turned out great. The hole's walls were steep, no way anybody could get out on their own. I had my vehicle well hidden but within reach. Just as I was also hiding my digging drill, I saw something white moving along the edge of the forest. No time for celebrations now. Just in case he was looking, I walked toward the hole, purposely tripped, and fell in.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" I screamed over and over. I splashed in the water, sounding more and more helpless. Finally, I got an answer.
"Hello?"
"Somebody's there?"
"Yes, where are you?"
"Down in this here hole! Oh, I can't tell ya how long I've been calling. I was afraid no one would come, and I die here."
I saw him finally peer over the edge of the hole. "How did you get down there?"
"I was . . . turkey hunting." I still snicker at that response. "Stories later. Please get me out, it's cold!"
"Yes."
After a few minutes he came back with a rope made apparently out of kudzu. I grabbed the vine and started climbing up.
"Thank you so much so, sir. I can't tell you how--" Just before I got all the way up, I stopped climbing and looked up into his face. I faked being surprise. "Why, it's you!"
"Yes."
"Wow, Samurai Jack saving a poor hunter like me. That is something else, I tell you what."
"Better keep climbing. The rope will break."
Too late. I did what I was hoping to do--cause the rope to fray enough that it was beginning to snap.
"Oh, good night! I'm a goner!"
"No, you are safe. Here, take my hand." The samurai reached out his arm to me. Of course, to make it really dramatic, I stretched and stretched making it look like it was nearly impossible to reach it.
"I can't do it!"
"Keep trying! You can! Reach a little farther. Almost there." And right at that second, I grabbed his hand. "There. I have you."
I grinned, keeping silent. He continued to pull me out, but this time I helped out using my skill of repelling. "Thanks again." I acted like I was shaking his hand with the arm that saved me, but then in one quick motion, I locked onto our wrists a pair of handcuffs. The samurai looked at me in shock. I maliciously grinned back. "Gotcha."
The samurai drew his sword with his free hand and lashed it upon the cuffs. A deafening clang resounded.
"Antimantium metal," I said. "Little bird told me your sword can't cut through it. Face it, you're as good as mine."
The samurai scrutinized me with one harsh glare.
"Well, we better not waste time. Come on."
I revealed to him my hidden vehicle, one of those flying scooter things. I give 'em my own names; I don't know what they're called.
And now my favorite part of being a bounty hunter--taking my victim's weapon. "You won't be needing this, of course," I said as I took the scabbard. I unsheathed the sword and took a close look at it. "Man, this is a beaut! Hope Aku will let me keep it this time." I strung it on my back. "Now, let's get going."
I got the samurai situated, putting the handcuffs on both of his wrists. Then we were ready to go.
She wouldn't start.
"Alright, what's the problem now?" I got off and took a closer look at the engine. It was all chewed up. A fuzzy critter with long teeth was hanging off one side. "Dumb cromechucks." Those are woodchucks only mutated. I tossed it away. "OK, you little varmint, let's see what damage you done." I pulled out my handy status screen and checked it out. "Let's see . . . pressure valve, axle grinder, fuel cell--fuel cell?"
"What is that smell?" the samurai asked me.
"Uh oh, that's not a good smell." I quickly unbuckled his seat belt. "Go, go, go!" We ran as fast as we could, and the vehicle blew up. Oh, that hurt my heart! After the fireworks, I turned toward the fire, took off my fox-skin cap, and put it over my heart. "Charlene, we hardly knew ye."
"Charlene?"
"That was her name." I stood eulogizing for a while, then I came to my senses. "Well, I guess we gotta walk to town." I expected him to be disappointed, but he only glared at me again. "Oh yeah, that's nothing new to you, right? You probably don't want to walk in those, though." I took off his handcuffs and put in their place a chip on his forehead. "Now with this, you can't get five feet away from me, or you'll feel really intense pain. If you do it enough times, you'll die right on the spot. I don't want that to happen, so don't try to escape. And don't try taking back your sword or anything either. I'm an experienced bounty hunter. I can almost stop things like that before they even happen."
The samurai just glared.
"Not the talking type, eh? Well, let's go."
He stood still for a while. I turned. "I said, let's go."
He would not move. Might as well teach him a lesson. I took a few more steps, and then I heard screaming. I turned around to see the samurai surrounded by lightning. The chip was doing its job. As I walked closer to him, the shocking stopped. "I warned you."
The samurai frowned at me, but when I turned to walk again he was walking behind me. We walked for the rest of the day. He might have been used to it, but I got tired pretty quickly. We were completely silent the whole way. The samurai wouldn't let me out of his glare for hours, but ever so slowly his anger turned to sorrow, and he wouldn't look at me at all. I could barely see his face anymore from under that hat. I just spent the whole time whistling every tune I knew. I was happy. He probably got irritated, and I say "Good!"
As the sun went down, I chose a place to set up camp for the night. I built a fire. Not that we needed it. My wife had packed for me one of her great ham sandwiches with melted cheese, lettuce, a tomato, pickles, olives (both green and black), and spicy mustard. I relished every bite. Really, I wanted to tantalize my captive, maybe when he got to hungry toss him my crusts, shake my finger, and say, "Ah ah ah, Jack Sprat can't eat no fat!" But he didn't look up at me. As I was licking my fingers after I finished, he heaved a big sigh and continued to stare at the ground.
I couldn't take that. "Look, what's your problem? I've caught dozens of people who were nowhere near the warrior that you are, and they weren't nearly as mopey! What is the deal?"
After a minute or two of silence, he finally spoke. "Of all the . . . if I was ever to be captured by my foe . . . I just can not comprehend the manner in which I was deceived!"
"Is that all? Well, don't feel too bad about that. I'm the Fox after all. I got a bag of a thousand tricks. Tricking my captives is what I do." The samurai was silent. "Look, it's not my fault that you're as dumb as a goat."
"What?!?"
That's more like it. "Yep, I proved it today. You familiar with Aesop?"
The samurai looked at me with interest. "Aesop, the Greek slave?"
He surprised me that time. He pronounced the fable teller's name in a way I had never heard it pronounced before. "Yeah, I reckon so."
"Yes, very familiar," he replied in a rather detached tone.
"Well, there was this one story that I used on you. It's actually one of my favorite traps. A fox fell into a well, and he was afraid that he would never get out. And this goat came along. The fox convinced him to jump into the well. The goat did, and the fox jumped on its back and used the goat's horns to climb out of the hole. And the poor goat was trapped forever. You fell for it, so you're just like that goat."
"That is not the same thing, though."
"Oh really? How is it different?"
"The fox told the goat that he heard a drought was coming, so he came where the water was plentiful. He told the goat that the water in the well was the best in the world, and that he had drunk his fill so that he could no longer move. It was foolish for the goat to take the fox's advice. You, however, needed help. I was not being foolish helping you, although you are my enemy. Had you not considered the moral of the story?"
"Moral? Oh yeah, that boring sentence at the end."
The samurai looked offended. "I learned that story just for that 'boring sentence.' It is 'Look before you leap.' I looked. You were in trouble."
"Yeah, well all the same, it's your weakness. You're so gullible. You fell for one of Aku's guises, and just so you don't feel bad, many people do but most figure it out sooner or later. You gave back that water jewel thing to the Mafia."
"They said they would return it!"
"Ha! See what I mean? And then I heard about your tango with the Clenches. Hey, if you fell for Josie's wiles after all that, it just proves that you learned nothing. So of course you would believe in a man who was 'trapped.' If only you learned to doubt a little, samurai, you wouldn't be anywhere near the predicament. Now go to sleep."
"No, I am not tired."
"Go to sleep, or I'll make you."
He looked defiant still, so I pulled out a remote and pointed it to his chip. A little red light blinked, and he was out like a light.
Meanwhile, I felt the need to gloat. There are few of my colleagues that I could talk to. Most of them are unintelligible, or they spend all their times in Domes of Doom or betting on underground dogfights (or whatever fights down there). So I couldn't hold a decent conversation with hardly any of them, except for some of the best. Sure, we have the most heated competition, but oddly enough they are my best friends.
So I got out my portable vid phone and dialed the number of one of them. In a few seconds, that gruesome mug of his came on the little screen. He wasn't on a vid phone. It looked like a pay phone from some saloon. Figures. His vid phone must have run out of minutes so made the closest phone ring.
"Howdy."
"Well howdy, Ezekiel."
He frowned. "Dag nabbit, Fox, I told you not to call me that!"
I chuckled. "Hey, guess who's the newest googolplexaire?"
"I don't even wanna know anymore."
"Come on. I'll give you a hint: It's not Jill Gates."
He finally was starting to snap out of it. "You didn't?"
I only laughed. The expression on his face was priceless.
"Well I--Doggone it, Fox! I had that jackrabbit in my grasp just a few months ago. How in the world d'chu--"
"I always told you, Zeke, 'Slow and steady wins the race.'" (OK, so I learned a few morals, when I felt they had some use.) "I used some of those tactics to catch that 'jackrabbit' of yours."
"I ain't gonna believe it till I see it."
"Well, you can see him. In fact, I'm gonna need your help. Where are you right now?"
"Oh, just outside Greenville. Why?"
"Perfect. I think I'm closest Ridgebrier. Charlene bit the dust today, thanks to some wild cromechucks."
"Little varmints. Poor Charlene, she was a good horse."
"Yep. Well, I need a transport to Aku's. Do you mind offering us a ride?"
"I don't know. What's in it for me?"
That's Zeke Clench for ya. Like most of us, mercenary to the core. "I'll give you ten percent of my earnings."
"Ten percent? I don't know."
"Zeke, don't you realize how much ten percent of two googolplex is?"
"Let's see, one, two--"
"For crying out loud, don't count on your fingers! You'd be standing there counting for several years if you even try!"
"Oh. Well, you are good at math, so I'm gonna trust you. You got yourself a deal."
"I knew I could count on you. We'll meet at the local diner, OK?"
"Aight."
"Good. See you tomorrow. Thanks."
I would have done more gloating, but then I realized how tired I was. So I was going to call it a night when my phone rang.
"What is now, Ezekiel?" I muttered. Usually when I get him on an assignment like this, he calls back about ten times asking all the details. "Howdy?" I muttered sleepily.
I heard the voice before I saw the face. "Howdy Dayn-ny."
That smooth, Southern drawl of the only bounty hunter that ever calls me by name was like a cold splash of water on my face. "Jo! What a surprise!"
I knew Josephine since I was eight. She lived in my neighborhood, and we were pretty good friends. That's another way I've been competitive with Zeke. Sure, he's married to her, but who played along side her in "Annie Get Your Gun," hmmmm?
All right, if you really want to know, we did date for a little while, then she broke up with me. Just because I didn't want to do every little thing that she wanted to, she accused me of being manipulative. (Yeah, I know. The irony's so thick you could cut it with a knife.) But we were still friends. She suggested I become a bounty hunter. But back to our conversation.
"I was just talking to--I mean, I was just thinking about you."
Jo smiled. "Lookie who I got here."
A much more beautiful face got on the screen. "Hi Dad!"
"Anna! How's my girl?"
"Aunt Josie got me a book. I can read, Daddy!"
"Oh, you can? Let's hear it."
She opened up the book and read very slowly but advanced for a home- schooled seven-year-old. Jo loves my daughter. I think she does. She either loves her or deeply pities her.
"Good job, honey! Now, can I talk to Aunt Josie again?"
"OK, Daddy."
"Ain't she good?" Josie said.
"She's great. Jo, where's Cassandra?"
"Oh, she's upstairs, perfectly fine."
"Mommy's sleeping," Anna interjected.
"Uh, yes, sleeping," Jo said nervously. I didn't like the sound of that. "You better be getting to bed yourself, young lady."
"OK. Goodnight, Daddy." Anna blew me a kiss and ran upstairs.
"Goodnight," I called at her. Then I spoke seriously to Jo again. "How's she doing?"
"She's ok," Jo said in nearly a whisper. "It amazes me how much energy she has, poor thang. That's why I'm calling. I found a doctor who says he has a new procedure for--"
"Really?"
"Yes, and he's in the small town of Ridgebrier, can you believe it?"
"No. What does he charge?"
"Well, I got your family down here. Why don't you come down tomorrow and we'll find out?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Yes, why don't we meet at the local diner?"
Uh oh, that's bad. I know about the court order, and I didn't want to cause trouble. "Uh, tomorrow won't be a good day."
"What? Daniel York, are you denying me?"
"No, I--you?"
"I mean, your daughter. This is her life we're talking about!"
"You're right. How about I meet at the post office on the other side of town."
"Post office? Why?"
"I have my reasons. Please don't make me go into it."
"Well, aight."
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight."
"'Night Danny."
I turned off my phone. I didn't like this at all.
I didn't sleep well that night. I kept thinking about Jo and Zeke meeting again, causing pandemonium, and me losing my prisoner in the process. Those troubling thoughts didn't go away with sleep, and they muddled my brain with the morning light.
The way I deal with such troubling thoughts is to play with brainteasers and puzzles. I've got dozens of them in my backpack. They put my thoughts in order, even though I hardly ever solve them. I worked for about an hour on one of those cube puzzles. I eventually solved that one. Then I started a pyramid puzzle. That wasn't going as well.
"Awww, fiddlesticks!"
"What is it?" The samurai was awake. He sounded very tired. It sounded like he didn't have a restful sleep. I was expecting that. The chip stimulates sleep, but it only gets you to Stage 2. You need REM sleep in Stage 3 to have a good night's sleep. Hey, if you haven't figured out, I love psychology.
"Oh nothing, just the pyramid of doom. Wanna give it a try?"
"Pyramid of doom?"
"It's a puzzle. You jump the pegs and eliminate them, like in checkers. You know about checkers, right? Of course, Chinese Checkers. Wait, you're Japanese. My bad." He looked offended, and I say "Good!" I always got them mixed up anyway. "Anyhoo, the object is to leave only one peg left. Give it a try."
"You mean it?"
"Sure. We got nothing better to do for a while."
He looked at the game carefully and then began. He got it on the first try.
"Beginner's luck. Do it again."
He did it again.
"Wow. Your purdy smart. I mean," I looked closer at the words on the game, "You're a genius."
"I thought I was as dumb as a goat," the samurai said slyly.
"Hey, you got book smarts. You're still gullible." I snatched the game out of his hands. "Let's have breakfast." I stoked the fire and put a pot of grits on. "Sleep well?"
The samurai looked at me curiously then answered, "Considering my situation, yes."
I was somewhat surprised. "Good. I didn't. Do you like cheese? I think I got some cheese." When it was ready, I got a bowl for him and shredded some cheese on it. I made a bowl for myself similarly. I had a couple spoonfuls, but he just looked at his portion. "It's not poisoned or drugged, you know. I'm eating from the same deal. Go ahead. You'll need something to stick with you. We got a long walk, and I expect you're not going to have a decent meal for a while."
"What is it?"
"Grits, hominy grits."
He was quiet for a while, still not eating. Then he said in a low tone, "How many?"
I couldn't stop myself. I nearly fell over laughing. Really, I've heard that joke a few times, but it's just the idea that it was coming from him. "Oh my, that was great. I had no idea you had a sense of humor."
"I fail to see the humor."
"You made a joke. These are grits made out of a kind of corn called hominy."
The samurai looked closely at his bowl and then at me. "I see no hominy here."
He did it again! I started laughing, but I saw he wasn't smiling. That was humor--sarcasm. He started eating solemnly.
We started for the city after breakfast. This time we were both quiet. I was thinking about where we should go first and how to handle things once I saw the Clenches. The samurai broke my train of thought.
"Why are you a bounty hunter?"
This is a question I try to evade, even with Aku himself. So I just grinned and answered, "Because. Why do you ask?"
"When I think of what you have done in comparison with other bounty hunters I have met, I see that it is not characteristic of them at all. You have not raised a hand against me. You at least attempt to think things through. You have some concern about my welfare. You haven't exactly been very polite, but you haven't been evil or a brute. If you weren't my foe, I would almost call you my friend."
"Oh, you've done it now," I said to myself. "Wait until the other bounty hunters hear about this." I've tried so hard to annoy him, and still. What can I do to convince him that I hate his guts? Tell him to shut up and call him my slave? No, that's not my style.
He went on, but I barely heard him while I was thinking until he got to the final point. "I don't think you even like being a bounty hunter!"
That touched a nerve. Reputation or not, I had to say something to that. "All right, all right! You hit it! Right on the nose! I don't like capturing you anymore than you like being captured. Happy? Good night, I was going to save the 'This is going to hurt me more than it does you' speech for when I drop you off."
"Then I ask again: Why are you a bounty hunter?"
There's no way out now. "Because there's nothing else for me to do. I mean, I could have been a college professor, teach everywhere in the world about Aesop and other stories and myths around the world. That's all done on computers now that kids have all their schooling online. I could have been a chef, making seafood delicacies at fancy hotels. Robots do that now. I could have been a psychologist, map out the human brain, cured thousands of psychological problems and disorders. Aku bans that. Evidently one of his favorite forms of entertainment is watching people in a state of madness. There are a lot of other things I would want to be, like a bookkeeper or a computer designer or a writer or a cartoonist, but they hardly pay anything. So an old friend of my told me one day, 'Look, the only way to really make a decent living these days is to do Aku's dirty work.' So, here we are."
"So, it is as I thought. The only reason is for the money." The tone and the look he gave seem to say a silent message, "For shame."
"What? You're saying I'm a mercenary?" I scoffed. This'll get my rep back, and show off a little of my intellect as well. "Look who's talking!"
"And what do you mean by that?"
"I read about samurais when I was a kid. Y'all are notorious mercenaries! And you spent all your money on rice wine. You get so inebriated. Hey, people had to teach themselves karate to protect themselves from the likes of you!" I laughed cruelly. The samurai wouldn't even dignify that with a response. I think he saw my plan. His plan was better.
"No. I am doing this for the money, but it's not for me."
"And who would that be?"
"Look, I don't want to talk about it!"
"Why not?"
"It's hard. You don't understand. You're not a father."
"So, the money is for your child."
I sighed exasperated. "Yes. I might as well tell you. I've never told anyone except for my wife and my best friend." I pulled out some animated holos of my daughter jumping rope, one of her blowing a dandelion, and my favorite, one of the two of us playing a fun game of tickling and ending up in a hug. "This is my only child, my daughter Anastasia. She's seven. How can I explain this to you? She's sick. She's been sick since she was a little baby. And the doctors say she won't see 18. She'll never live to be a tutor, bless her heart. She always said she wants to help kids learn. She loves to learn, and she loves to play with kids."
I started to cry just a little bit. Boy, this looks bad. The samurai is making me into a total sap. During the whole time, he said nothing, but as he listened and looked at the pictures, he frowned sadly.
"Now, she can be cured. It's a quick procedure with lasers, as I understand it. But it costs two million. Do you see now? There's no way I could get that money with an ordinary job. Millionaires are rare. Not even celebrities or politicians are millionaires anymore. And they certainly don't give that money away with silly trivia or reality contests. Even now as a bounty hunter, I save every fraction of a penny that I earn for my Anna. I earn thousands of dollars for every job, but I'm dirt poor! And it's still not nearly enough. But two million barely scratches the surface of two googolplex.
"Don't you realize how big two googolplex is? OK, one of my favorite 'math facts' when I was a kid. A googol is a one followed by one hundred zeroes. Huge number! They said for a while that it was the largest defined number in the world. Of course, there's no real largest number in the world. You can always add one. So, naturally, there was an even bigger number than that. That's a googolplex, which is a one followed by a googol number of zeroes. It's astronomical! It would take several years to count to a googolplex without stopping. And to think that Aku would double that gargantuan number, it's unprecedented! There are not that many stars in the sky!
"So, I have it all planned out. First and foremost, I'm going to save my daughter. Then I promised a friend ten percent for doing an important job. Then I'm going to donate this money to major research facilities around the world. I don't want any other kids to go through what Anna is going through. And they can cure so many other diseases, like cancer and AIDS. Maybe I can even donate money to end world hunger, make all those third world countries as prosperous as some of our really rich countries. And I still should have enough to get a good house and live the rest of my life easily. Don't you see? Giving up your life will save millions, maybe billions of other lives."
The samurai gave me a hard look. "If you believe that, you are a fool."
"What? I'm not squandering the money. I'm putting it to good use! A fool would be someone who spends it all on rice wine."
"Two googolplex is a lot, but is not the life of an innocent man more?"
"Innocent? From what I've heard, you're not very innocent."
"How acquainted are you with Aesop?"
"I know him better than most people."
"How can you not know the tale of ash tree?"
"Ash tree? There's no fable about an ash tree!"
"One day a woodsman came to a forest with an axe without a handle. The oak saw the frustration on the man's face and asked him what was wrong. 'Would one of you trees please provide a handle for my axe? Any wood will do.' The trees were afraid to give up their lives. They whispered to one another, asking what they should say. Finally, a pine suggested that they offer the ash tree. It was young, ugly, and would never be as grand as the oaks and the cedars. So the woodsman uprooted the tree and took it home. He honed it down and made it into a fine axe handle. The next day he returned to the forest, and he immediately began felling each tree in his path. And the wise oak looked at the destruction of his friends and lamented, 'If only we had not sacrificed the ash tree to please this woodsman, we would have stood for centuries.' You think you are saving lives by giving me up? You do not know Aku at all. You may be giving him the means of your destruction."
I couldn't believe the ludicrous tale this Japanese farm boy just told me. "You made that up! You made that up and put Aesop's name on it! That's plagiarism! That's worse than plagiarism!"
"I did not make it up. I heard this tale with my own ears from Aesop."
I could not believe that. "You're either a liar or you're crazy."
"No. I heard nearly all of his stories, but I did not learn them for entertainment or to learn some sly trick. I learned them for their morals."
"I know all of his stories, but I've never heard one of some stupid axe."
"I can tell you the whole thing again in Greek, if that would convince you."
"Nah. Look there. That's the town where we're going." I got a coin out of my pocket. "Heads or tails? Call it in the air." I flipped the coin.
"Heads," he replied uncertainly.
"It's heads. We're going to the diner first. You know, we're going to see some friends of mine that can be really tricky, so I think we'll need these again." I got out the handcuffs, and I put one cuff on his wrist and one on my wrist. "Now let's go."
Ridgebrier is a really small town with only one stoplight, a few stores, a school, a few church buildings, and one restaurant. It's a nice restaurant, one of my favorites. Zeke was there at a booth waiting on us. He ordered my favorite soft drink and a huge cheeseburger for me.
"Fox, you ole dog!" he greeted me. "I see you weren't yanking my chain."
"Nope. I really did get him. Didn't you order him anything?"
"Him? Are you crazy?"
"Zeke, he is my prisoner, but he's also a human being. Waiter, get this man some chicken soup."
"No!" the samurai immediately cried.
"I thought you Oriental people like chicken and rice."
"Not me."
"Alright, peanut butter and jelly then."
"I always figured that either you, me, or my wife would end up catching this here Jack-in-the-box," Zeke grinned. "So, how'd you do it?"
I told him the whole story except the most recent events. Zeke joked about how smart I was, and we laughed about the old times. The samurai didn't talk much. The peanut butter probably stuck to the roof of his mouth. I say, "Good!" I was getting tired of his talking. Zeke paid for his meal and mine. I paid for the samurai's meal because Zeke flat-out refused.
"I can't believe I missed the way you did it," Zeke said. "What's your secret? What you got that I ain't?
I laughed. "Zeke, you're a great bounty hunter but you could use some more skill and cunning. Didn't your wife teach that to you?"
"Nah, but I oughta ask her. Meantime, I know one thing I got that you ain't got."
"Yeah, a way to get around," I chuckled.
"Oh yeah. I mean two things." He pulled something out from under his jacket and pointed it at us. "I also have a loaded gun. And seeing as y'all are a little tied up at the moment, I advise you hand your jackrabbit over to me."
"Zeke, I said you could have ten percent."
"Why just have one cow when you can get the whole ranch. Now hand him over!"
"Come on, Zeke. You acknowledge that I caught him fair and square. Aren't we friends?"
"Friends? This is two googolplex we're talking about! Who cares about friendship?"
"Zeke!"
Just then I heard a car horn. A vehicle drove right beside me, and the window rolled down. "Howdy Danny."
"Jo! Get out of here, the court order!"
"Sure thang." But first she yanked my collar and pulled me inside, and then she drove off. I heard Zeke yelling at us and shooting his gun into the air.
"Wow, thanks Jo. You saved our lives," I said.
"Your welcome. It's odd. We just happened to be driving by on the way to the post office, and we saw you. Wait a minute--'our' lives?"
"Yeah, you remember this guy, don't you?"
"Oh, do I ever." Jo turned around and reached out to stroke the samurai's chin. "Howdy Jay-ick." The samurai groaned and turned his head away. "And I happen to have someone else here with me."
Anna turned around from the front seat. "Hi Daddy!" She gasped. "Is that Samurai Jack?"
"Yeah," I nodded cheerfully.
"Hello, little one," Jack said quietly.
Anna gasped again. "He said 'hi' to me! Daddy, is he coming to the hotel? Is he going to have supper with us?"
"I don't know, honey."
"Daddy, why are you and Jack wearing a chain?" Anna asked somberly.
"Um, Daddy's playing policeman." The samurai gave me a look of shock. I mouthed to him, "It's not a lie." "Anna, where's Mommy?"
"Mommy's still sleeping."
"Tell me, did Aunt Josie talk to Mommy before she went to sleep?"
"Yeah."
"I told you yesterday, she's fine," Josie said.
I was satisfied. Jo evades the truth. She doesn't really lie. She acts. "So, we're going to that hospital?"
"Yep. I'm excited about this guy. I'm not sure what he does, but it sounds like his payment is much more reasonable than two million."
"That's great."
Jo drove up to the main entrance. "I got it all set up. Just go up to the second floor. It's the third door on the right. I'll be in the waiting room."
"Alright, thanks." Jo let all of us off, and we went in.
The doctor had his back turned toward us, but he understood when we came in. "Ah, Mr. York?" he said in a gentle voice. "You are here about your daughter?"
"Yes sir. What is your procedure?"
"Well, as it is, you have a choice." The doctor started to turn around. "Your girl can die later or die now!" He turned fully around and pointed a gun at us. It was Zeke.
Anna cried out and held onto my pant leg.
"Now, if you'll hand him over."
"Daddy, don't let the Boogie Man take Jack!"
"He won't honey. Zeke, you're being irrational."
"Hand him over!"
I ran out of the room. "Jooooooooo! Josieeeeeeeeeee! JOSEPHINE ANN CLEEEEEEEEEEEENCH!"
She met me in the hallway. "Danny, what's the matter?"
"Your husband has gone crazy! That's what this order from the court is about, isn't it?"
"Maybe. Maybe we're all a little crazy--for money."
"Josephine. Not you too."
"Hey, can you blame me? It's two googolplex."
"So there never was a doctor? You just got me here so you could take away my captive?"
"Well, I initially did this for something completely unrelated, but that's beside the point now. When Zeke told me--"
"Zeke told you? How could Zeke tell you?"
Zeke answered that one, "Court said we're supposed to stay a hundred and fifty feet apart. Didn't say anything about phone calls."
"All right then. If you want the money so much, we'll split it." I quickly divided 20 in my head to get an idea. "Oh, two googolplex won't divide evenly by three. Well, I get the extra two dollars because I actually did the job! You had your chance!"
"Nothing doing!" Zeke said. "Hand him over, or the girl gets it!"
"Jo, you're not going to allow this! Birds of a feather flock together"
"Danny, you forget that I read Aesop two. I'm the wolf in sheep clothing. I know that two can play at the same game."
"Can't you let me think it over, privately?"
"I reckon that's reasonable."
"Yep," Zeke answered. He pushed us into another empty room.
Jo put our cuffs around a chair so we couldn't get out. As she was doing so, she was humming a familiar song to herself. It took me a while to remember the words--"Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you." It was our showstopper from "Annie Get Your Gun." I always suspected that was her theme song.
"You got five minutes!" Zeke bellowed before slamming the door.
"I can't believe this," I said.
"Did you not say, 'if you fell for Josie's wiles after all that, it just proves that you learned nothing?'"
"Yeah, but she wasn't supposed to do that to me. I've been her friend since as far back as I can remember. Zeke and Josie were both my friends."
"Again you show your real ignorance of Aesop. You would have known the story of the blind doe."
"Haven't heard that one."
"Once there was a doe with only one good eye. She made a habit of grazing on a cliff overlooking the sea. She kept her good eye toward the forest, ever fearfully searching for hunters, but her bad eye was toward the sea where she feared no harm. But one unlucky day, a sailor saw her grazing on the cliff and shot her with an arrow. Sadly the doe realized that she was safe in the land where she feared danger, but her enemy was from the sea where she felt protected. In the same way, peril can come from those whom we trust the most, the last place we expect."
"Man, your right." I thought about the fable, and I decided that perhaps the reverse was true. So from there, I made the hardest, perhaps stupidest decision in my entire life. I reached for the remote with my free hand and opened the cuffs. Also with my free hand, I got the samurai's sword. "Run for it!" I whispered.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I know the Clenches better than you do. I can hold them off. Like I told you, I got a bag of a thousands tricks."
"One trick that works is better than a thousands doubtful ones."
"One minute!" Zeke yelled.
"I'm not gonna tell you again, git! Now!" So he scurried out the window just as Zeke burst opened.
"Where'd he go?"
"Well, he looked in the mirror on the door and saw himself. And he used the saw to--"
"I heard that one!"
"Yeah, it's a pretty bad joke, isn't it?"
I successfully stalled them for a while, but when they found out the samurai was gone, they weren't happy. We met out of the hospital.
"You really did it now!" Zeke yelled. He had his gun pointed again, and I was ready to face it. I closed my eyes, though. I didn't want to see the look on Anna's face, and I didn't want to look at Jo again. I heard a loud bang, and a ricochet sound. Surely Zeke Clench didn't miss.
I opened my eyes, and I saw the samurai standing right in front of me with his sword drawn. He gave a loud war cry, and I joined him. Together we chased the Clenches off. That was highly amusing, but my story's long enough. That was the last I ever saw of them.
"What was that for?" I asked the samurai.
"One good turn deserves another," he answered as he sheathed his sword.
"The Lion and the Mouse. So that tale does come in good for something."
"Actually, I was thinking the Dove and the Ant, but they're the same story."
"You know, you're alright." I shook his hand.
I didn't know any time portals, but I did advise him of some places not to go mainly good hangouts for bounty hunters. I showed him on a map to those places. Then I thought about all I was giving up, and I broke down. I didn't care what anybody thought this time.
"I am sorry about your daughter," the samurai said softly.
"Yeah, well sorry doesn't make her better!"
"If it is any consolation, I do not think Aku will really pay two googolplex for me. Like you said, it is larger than any number in the world. And there is a fable about a great earthquake in a mountain that made all the earth fear that a great monster would come. But as the earthquake caused a crack in the mountain, only a tiny mouse crawled out."
"It is money for evil deeds. Aku's been good at paying the right amount before. I don't know what I'm gonna do! She's gonna die!"
"This is the real puzzle, not like the pyramid. This requires more thought."
"Maybe I could take up bank robbing. Or I'll be a con artist."
"Aesop would not be happy with that."
"No. What else can I do?"
Then to my amazement, the samurai pulled out a huge bag full of gold and jewels. "Will this help?"
"Wow! Where did you get that? You are a mercenary, aren't you?"
He only smiled, as if to say, "You know I'm not."
"This isn't iron pyrite. This is real gold. I think this is a step in the right direction. Thank you."
"And perhaps you can ask others for money, and you will have the money you need. I am sure those good of heart would provide."
"Ask? Like a beggar? Well, I am poor. I guess I could do that. I hate to let you go, but I guess you got places to go, things to see, and all that."
"Thank you."
"What for? Kidnapping you?"
"Yes. It has shown me more of the underground world. I understand more about you, and perhaps I will not be as hateful to some of my foes."
"You are alright, Jack."
"So are you. Farewell." And so he went on his way.
I'm not your average bounty hunter. I quit.
You probably think I'm crazy, letting two googolplex get away from me like that, and now undoubtedly having to face Aku.
I say, "Good!"
I'm not your average bounty hunter.
I don't carry a gun, not loaded anyway. Got a knife or two and a few other gadgets, but that's about it. I'm not big and buff. Some even say I'm somewhat fat. I'm not a huge fan of wrestling. I don't really like fighting.
And yet, I'm one of the best in the business.
They call me the Fox in bounty hunter circles. I mean, when they talk at all. When I come into their clubs, everything goes silent. They're all shaking in their boots a little bit. Now, that's what I call respect. See, I'm the one who caught 150 men single handedly and led them all to Aku. So most of my colleagues have this idea that if they look at me the wrong way they're next. I'm not like that. I'm only after the people on the list, the ones with that huge reward next to their names.
Of course I had to go after the dude in white pajamas at the top of the list.
I kept close tabs on him ever since that day he mysteriously appeared in that Central Hub. Aku isn't too favorable about people who mysterious appear. They always cause trouble.
I wasn't expecting the bounty on this guy. Two googolplex! Now, we all knew that was a lot of money, but I don't think anybody else figured it up like I did. That's astronomical! Of course, it also meant that this guy was a challenge. Well, that's an understatement. From the stories I heard, he was next to impossible to catch. I can't count how many of my colleagues had him in their grasp only to see him slip out of their fingers.
But I knew they were going about it the wrong way. They were playing to his strength. I knew how to hit his weakness.
I had everything planned. I headed out to a spot where some scouts said he was heading. I spent the good part of a day digging a ditch deep into the earth in the middle of nowhere. I even added a little water to make it more interesting. It turned out great. The hole's walls were steep, no way anybody could get out on their own. I had my vehicle well hidden but within reach. Just as I was also hiding my digging drill, I saw something white moving along the edge of the forest. No time for celebrations now. Just in case he was looking, I walked toward the hole, purposely tripped, and fell in.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" I screamed over and over. I splashed in the water, sounding more and more helpless. Finally, I got an answer.
"Hello?"
"Somebody's there?"
"Yes, where are you?"
"Down in this here hole! Oh, I can't tell ya how long I've been calling. I was afraid no one would come, and I die here."
I saw him finally peer over the edge of the hole. "How did you get down there?"
"I was . . . turkey hunting." I still snicker at that response. "Stories later. Please get me out, it's cold!"
"Yes."
After a few minutes he came back with a rope made apparently out of kudzu. I grabbed the vine and started climbing up.
"Thank you so much so, sir. I can't tell you how--" Just before I got all the way up, I stopped climbing and looked up into his face. I faked being surprise. "Why, it's you!"
"Yes."
"Wow, Samurai Jack saving a poor hunter like me. That is something else, I tell you what."
"Better keep climbing. The rope will break."
Too late. I did what I was hoping to do--cause the rope to fray enough that it was beginning to snap.
"Oh, good night! I'm a goner!"
"No, you are safe. Here, take my hand." The samurai reached out his arm to me. Of course, to make it really dramatic, I stretched and stretched making it look like it was nearly impossible to reach it.
"I can't do it!"
"Keep trying! You can! Reach a little farther. Almost there." And right at that second, I grabbed his hand. "There. I have you."
I grinned, keeping silent. He continued to pull me out, but this time I helped out using my skill of repelling. "Thanks again." I acted like I was shaking his hand with the arm that saved me, but then in one quick motion, I locked onto our wrists a pair of handcuffs. The samurai looked at me in shock. I maliciously grinned back. "Gotcha."
The samurai drew his sword with his free hand and lashed it upon the cuffs. A deafening clang resounded.
"Antimantium metal," I said. "Little bird told me your sword can't cut through it. Face it, you're as good as mine."
The samurai scrutinized me with one harsh glare.
"Well, we better not waste time. Come on."
I revealed to him my hidden vehicle, one of those flying scooter things. I give 'em my own names; I don't know what they're called.
And now my favorite part of being a bounty hunter--taking my victim's weapon. "You won't be needing this, of course," I said as I took the scabbard. I unsheathed the sword and took a close look at it. "Man, this is a beaut! Hope Aku will let me keep it this time." I strung it on my back. "Now, let's get going."
I got the samurai situated, putting the handcuffs on both of his wrists. Then we were ready to go.
She wouldn't start.
"Alright, what's the problem now?" I got off and took a closer look at the engine. It was all chewed up. A fuzzy critter with long teeth was hanging off one side. "Dumb cromechucks." Those are woodchucks only mutated. I tossed it away. "OK, you little varmint, let's see what damage you done." I pulled out my handy status screen and checked it out. "Let's see . . . pressure valve, axle grinder, fuel cell--fuel cell?"
"What is that smell?" the samurai asked me.
"Uh oh, that's not a good smell." I quickly unbuckled his seat belt. "Go, go, go!" We ran as fast as we could, and the vehicle blew up. Oh, that hurt my heart! After the fireworks, I turned toward the fire, took off my fox-skin cap, and put it over my heart. "Charlene, we hardly knew ye."
"Charlene?"
"That was her name." I stood eulogizing for a while, then I came to my senses. "Well, I guess we gotta walk to town." I expected him to be disappointed, but he only glared at me again. "Oh yeah, that's nothing new to you, right? You probably don't want to walk in those, though." I took off his handcuffs and put in their place a chip on his forehead. "Now with this, you can't get five feet away from me, or you'll feel really intense pain. If you do it enough times, you'll die right on the spot. I don't want that to happen, so don't try to escape. And don't try taking back your sword or anything either. I'm an experienced bounty hunter. I can almost stop things like that before they even happen."
The samurai just glared.
"Not the talking type, eh? Well, let's go."
He stood still for a while. I turned. "I said, let's go."
He would not move. Might as well teach him a lesson. I took a few more steps, and then I heard screaming. I turned around to see the samurai surrounded by lightning. The chip was doing its job. As I walked closer to him, the shocking stopped. "I warned you."
The samurai frowned at me, but when I turned to walk again he was walking behind me. We walked for the rest of the day. He might have been used to it, but I got tired pretty quickly. We were completely silent the whole way. The samurai wouldn't let me out of his glare for hours, but ever so slowly his anger turned to sorrow, and he wouldn't look at me at all. I could barely see his face anymore from under that hat. I just spent the whole time whistling every tune I knew. I was happy. He probably got irritated, and I say "Good!"
As the sun went down, I chose a place to set up camp for the night. I built a fire. Not that we needed it. My wife had packed for me one of her great ham sandwiches with melted cheese, lettuce, a tomato, pickles, olives (both green and black), and spicy mustard. I relished every bite. Really, I wanted to tantalize my captive, maybe when he got to hungry toss him my crusts, shake my finger, and say, "Ah ah ah, Jack Sprat can't eat no fat!" But he didn't look up at me. As I was licking my fingers after I finished, he heaved a big sigh and continued to stare at the ground.
I couldn't take that. "Look, what's your problem? I've caught dozens of people who were nowhere near the warrior that you are, and they weren't nearly as mopey! What is the deal?"
After a minute or two of silence, he finally spoke. "Of all the . . . if I was ever to be captured by my foe . . . I just can not comprehend the manner in which I was deceived!"
"Is that all? Well, don't feel too bad about that. I'm the Fox after all. I got a bag of a thousand tricks. Tricking my captives is what I do." The samurai was silent. "Look, it's not my fault that you're as dumb as a goat."
"What?!?"
That's more like it. "Yep, I proved it today. You familiar with Aesop?"
The samurai looked at me with interest. "Aesop, the Greek slave?"
He surprised me that time. He pronounced the fable teller's name in a way I had never heard it pronounced before. "Yeah, I reckon so."
"Yes, very familiar," he replied in a rather detached tone.
"Well, there was this one story that I used on you. It's actually one of my favorite traps. A fox fell into a well, and he was afraid that he would never get out. And this goat came along. The fox convinced him to jump into the well. The goat did, and the fox jumped on its back and used the goat's horns to climb out of the hole. And the poor goat was trapped forever. You fell for it, so you're just like that goat."
"That is not the same thing, though."
"Oh really? How is it different?"
"The fox told the goat that he heard a drought was coming, so he came where the water was plentiful. He told the goat that the water in the well was the best in the world, and that he had drunk his fill so that he could no longer move. It was foolish for the goat to take the fox's advice. You, however, needed help. I was not being foolish helping you, although you are my enemy. Had you not considered the moral of the story?"
"Moral? Oh yeah, that boring sentence at the end."
The samurai looked offended. "I learned that story just for that 'boring sentence.' It is 'Look before you leap.' I looked. You were in trouble."
"Yeah, well all the same, it's your weakness. You're so gullible. You fell for one of Aku's guises, and just so you don't feel bad, many people do but most figure it out sooner or later. You gave back that water jewel thing to the Mafia."
"They said they would return it!"
"Ha! See what I mean? And then I heard about your tango with the Clenches. Hey, if you fell for Josie's wiles after all that, it just proves that you learned nothing. So of course you would believe in a man who was 'trapped.' If only you learned to doubt a little, samurai, you wouldn't be anywhere near the predicament. Now go to sleep."
"No, I am not tired."
"Go to sleep, or I'll make you."
He looked defiant still, so I pulled out a remote and pointed it to his chip. A little red light blinked, and he was out like a light.
Meanwhile, I felt the need to gloat. There are few of my colleagues that I could talk to. Most of them are unintelligible, or they spend all their times in Domes of Doom or betting on underground dogfights (or whatever fights down there). So I couldn't hold a decent conversation with hardly any of them, except for some of the best. Sure, we have the most heated competition, but oddly enough they are my best friends.
So I got out my portable vid phone and dialed the number of one of them. In a few seconds, that gruesome mug of his came on the little screen. He wasn't on a vid phone. It looked like a pay phone from some saloon. Figures. His vid phone must have run out of minutes so made the closest phone ring.
"Howdy."
"Well howdy, Ezekiel."
He frowned. "Dag nabbit, Fox, I told you not to call me that!"
I chuckled. "Hey, guess who's the newest googolplexaire?"
"I don't even wanna know anymore."
"Come on. I'll give you a hint: It's not Jill Gates."
He finally was starting to snap out of it. "You didn't?"
I only laughed. The expression on his face was priceless.
"Well I--Doggone it, Fox! I had that jackrabbit in my grasp just a few months ago. How in the world d'chu--"
"I always told you, Zeke, 'Slow and steady wins the race.'" (OK, so I learned a few morals, when I felt they had some use.) "I used some of those tactics to catch that 'jackrabbit' of yours."
"I ain't gonna believe it till I see it."
"Well, you can see him. In fact, I'm gonna need your help. Where are you right now?"
"Oh, just outside Greenville. Why?"
"Perfect. I think I'm closest Ridgebrier. Charlene bit the dust today, thanks to some wild cromechucks."
"Little varmints. Poor Charlene, she was a good horse."
"Yep. Well, I need a transport to Aku's. Do you mind offering us a ride?"
"I don't know. What's in it for me?"
That's Zeke Clench for ya. Like most of us, mercenary to the core. "I'll give you ten percent of my earnings."
"Ten percent? I don't know."
"Zeke, don't you realize how much ten percent of two googolplex is?"
"Let's see, one, two--"
"For crying out loud, don't count on your fingers! You'd be standing there counting for several years if you even try!"
"Oh. Well, you are good at math, so I'm gonna trust you. You got yourself a deal."
"I knew I could count on you. We'll meet at the local diner, OK?"
"Aight."
"Good. See you tomorrow. Thanks."
I would have done more gloating, but then I realized how tired I was. So I was going to call it a night when my phone rang.
"What is now, Ezekiel?" I muttered. Usually when I get him on an assignment like this, he calls back about ten times asking all the details. "Howdy?" I muttered sleepily.
I heard the voice before I saw the face. "Howdy Dayn-ny."
That smooth, Southern drawl of the only bounty hunter that ever calls me by name was like a cold splash of water on my face. "Jo! What a surprise!"
I knew Josephine since I was eight. She lived in my neighborhood, and we were pretty good friends. That's another way I've been competitive with Zeke. Sure, he's married to her, but who played along side her in "Annie Get Your Gun," hmmmm?
All right, if you really want to know, we did date for a little while, then she broke up with me. Just because I didn't want to do every little thing that she wanted to, she accused me of being manipulative. (Yeah, I know. The irony's so thick you could cut it with a knife.) But we were still friends. She suggested I become a bounty hunter. But back to our conversation.
"I was just talking to--I mean, I was just thinking about you."
Jo smiled. "Lookie who I got here."
A much more beautiful face got on the screen. "Hi Dad!"
"Anna! How's my girl?"
"Aunt Josie got me a book. I can read, Daddy!"
"Oh, you can? Let's hear it."
She opened up the book and read very slowly but advanced for a home- schooled seven-year-old. Jo loves my daughter. I think she does. She either loves her or deeply pities her.
"Good job, honey! Now, can I talk to Aunt Josie again?"
"OK, Daddy."
"Ain't she good?" Josie said.
"She's great. Jo, where's Cassandra?"
"Oh, she's upstairs, perfectly fine."
"Mommy's sleeping," Anna interjected.
"Uh, yes, sleeping," Jo said nervously. I didn't like the sound of that. "You better be getting to bed yourself, young lady."
"OK. Goodnight, Daddy." Anna blew me a kiss and ran upstairs.
"Goodnight," I called at her. Then I spoke seriously to Jo again. "How's she doing?"
"She's ok," Jo said in nearly a whisper. "It amazes me how much energy she has, poor thang. That's why I'm calling. I found a doctor who says he has a new procedure for--"
"Really?"
"Yes, and he's in the small town of Ridgebrier, can you believe it?"
"No. What does he charge?"
"Well, I got your family down here. Why don't you come down tomorrow and we'll find out?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Yes, why don't we meet at the local diner?"
Uh oh, that's bad. I know about the court order, and I didn't want to cause trouble. "Uh, tomorrow won't be a good day."
"What? Daniel York, are you denying me?"
"No, I--you?"
"I mean, your daughter. This is her life we're talking about!"
"You're right. How about I meet at the post office on the other side of town."
"Post office? Why?"
"I have my reasons. Please don't make me go into it."
"Well, aight."
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight."
"'Night Danny."
I turned off my phone. I didn't like this at all.
I didn't sleep well that night. I kept thinking about Jo and Zeke meeting again, causing pandemonium, and me losing my prisoner in the process. Those troubling thoughts didn't go away with sleep, and they muddled my brain with the morning light.
The way I deal with such troubling thoughts is to play with brainteasers and puzzles. I've got dozens of them in my backpack. They put my thoughts in order, even though I hardly ever solve them. I worked for about an hour on one of those cube puzzles. I eventually solved that one. Then I started a pyramid puzzle. That wasn't going as well.
"Awww, fiddlesticks!"
"What is it?" The samurai was awake. He sounded very tired. It sounded like he didn't have a restful sleep. I was expecting that. The chip stimulates sleep, but it only gets you to Stage 2. You need REM sleep in Stage 3 to have a good night's sleep. Hey, if you haven't figured out, I love psychology.
"Oh nothing, just the pyramid of doom. Wanna give it a try?"
"Pyramid of doom?"
"It's a puzzle. You jump the pegs and eliminate them, like in checkers. You know about checkers, right? Of course, Chinese Checkers. Wait, you're Japanese. My bad." He looked offended, and I say "Good!" I always got them mixed up anyway. "Anyhoo, the object is to leave only one peg left. Give it a try."
"You mean it?"
"Sure. We got nothing better to do for a while."
He looked at the game carefully and then began. He got it on the first try.
"Beginner's luck. Do it again."
He did it again.
"Wow. Your purdy smart. I mean," I looked closer at the words on the game, "You're a genius."
"I thought I was as dumb as a goat," the samurai said slyly.
"Hey, you got book smarts. You're still gullible." I snatched the game out of his hands. "Let's have breakfast." I stoked the fire and put a pot of grits on. "Sleep well?"
The samurai looked at me curiously then answered, "Considering my situation, yes."
I was somewhat surprised. "Good. I didn't. Do you like cheese? I think I got some cheese." When it was ready, I got a bowl for him and shredded some cheese on it. I made a bowl for myself similarly. I had a couple spoonfuls, but he just looked at his portion. "It's not poisoned or drugged, you know. I'm eating from the same deal. Go ahead. You'll need something to stick with you. We got a long walk, and I expect you're not going to have a decent meal for a while."
"What is it?"
"Grits, hominy grits."
He was quiet for a while, still not eating. Then he said in a low tone, "How many?"
I couldn't stop myself. I nearly fell over laughing. Really, I've heard that joke a few times, but it's just the idea that it was coming from him. "Oh my, that was great. I had no idea you had a sense of humor."
"I fail to see the humor."
"You made a joke. These are grits made out of a kind of corn called hominy."
The samurai looked closely at his bowl and then at me. "I see no hominy here."
He did it again! I started laughing, but I saw he wasn't smiling. That was humor--sarcasm. He started eating solemnly.
We started for the city after breakfast. This time we were both quiet. I was thinking about where we should go first and how to handle things once I saw the Clenches. The samurai broke my train of thought.
"Why are you a bounty hunter?"
This is a question I try to evade, even with Aku himself. So I just grinned and answered, "Because. Why do you ask?"
"When I think of what you have done in comparison with other bounty hunters I have met, I see that it is not characteristic of them at all. You have not raised a hand against me. You at least attempt to think things through. You have some concern about my welfare. You haven't exactly been very polite, but you haven't been evil or a brute. If you weren't my foe, I would almost call you my friend."
"Oh, you've done it now," I said to myself. "Wait until the other bounty hunters hear about this." I've tried so hard to annoy him, and still. What can I do to convince him that I hate his guts? Tell him to shut up and call him my slave? No, that's not my style.
He went on, but I barely heard him while I was thinking until he got to the final point. "I don't think you even like being a bounty hunter!"
That touched a nerve. Reputation or not, I had to say something to that. "All right, all right! You hit it! Right on the nose! I don't like capturing you anymore than you like being captured. Happy? Good night, I was going to save the 'This is going to hurt me more than it does you' speech for when I drop you off."
"Then I ask again: Why are you a bounty hunter?"
There's no way out now. "Because there's nothing else for me to do. I mean, I could have been a college professor, teach everywhere in the world about Aesop and other stories and myths around the world. That's all done on computers now that kids have all their schooling online. I could have been a chef, making seafood delicacies at fancy hotels. Robots do that now. I could have been a psychologist, map out the human brain, cured thousands of psychological problems and disorders. Aku bans that. Evidently one of his favorite forms of entertainment is watching people in a state of madness. There are a lot of other things I would want to be, like a bookkeeper or a computer designer or a writer or a cartoonist, but they hardly pay anything. So an old friend of my told me one day, 'Look, the only way to really make a decent living these days is to do Aku's dirty work.' So, here we are."
"So, it is as I thought. The only reason is for the money." The tone and the look he gave seem to say a silent message, "For shame."
"What? You're saying I'm a mercenary?" I scoffed. This'll get my rep back, and show off a little of my intellect as well. "Look who's talking!"
"And what do you mean by that?"
"I read about samurais when I was a kid. Y'all are notorious mercenaries! And you spent all your money on rice wine. You get so inebriated. Hey, people had to teach themselves karate to protect themselves from the likes of you!" I laughed cruelly. The samurai wouldn't even dignify that with a response. I think he saw my plan. His plan was better.
"No. I am doing this for the money, but it's not for me."
"And who would that be?"
"Look, I don't want to talk about it!"
"Why not?"
"It's hard. You don't understand. You're not a father."
"So, the money is for your child."
I sighed exasperated. "Yes. I might as well tell you. I've never told anyone except for my wife and my best friend." I pulled out some animated holos of my daughter jumping rope, one of her blowing a dandelion, and my favorite, one of the two of us playing a fun game of tickling and ending up in a hug. "This is my only child, my daughter Anastasia. She's seven. How can I explain this to you? She's sick. She's been sick since she was a little baby. And the doctors say she won't see 18. She'll never live to be a tutor, bless her heart. She always said she wants to help kids learn. She loves to learn, and she loves to play with kids."
I started to cry just a little bit. Boy, this looks bad. The samurai is making me into a total sap. During the whole time, he said nothing, but as he listened and looked at the pictures, he frowned sadly.
"Now, she can be cured. It's a quick procedure with lasers, as I understand it. But it costs two million. Do you see now? There's no way I could get that money with an ordinary job. Millionaires are rare. Not even celebrities or politicians are millionaires anymore. And they certainly don't give that money away with silly trivia or reality contests. Even now as a bounty hunter, I save every fraction of a penny that I earn for my Anna. I earn thousands of dollars for every job, but I'm dirt poor! And it's still not nearly enough. But two million barely scratches the surface of two googolplex.
"Don't you realize how big two googolplex is? OK, one of my favorite 'math facts' when I was a kid. A googol is a one followed by one hundred zeroes. Huge number! They said for a while that it was the largest defined number in the world. Of course, there's no real largest number in the world. You can always add one. So, naturally, there was an even bigger number than that. That's a googolplex, which is a one followed by a googol number of zeroes. It's astronomical! It would take several years to count to a googolplex without stopping. And to think that Aku would double that gargantuan number, it's unprecedented! There are not that many stars in the sky!
"So, I have it all planned out. First and foremost, I'm going to save my daughter. Then I promised a friend ten percent for doing an important job. Then I'm going to donate this money to major research facilities around the world. I don't want any other kids to go through what Anna is going through. And they can cure so many other diseases, like cancer and AIDS. Maybe I can even donate money to end world hunger, make all those third world countries as prosperous as some of our really rich countries. And I still should have enough to get a good house and live the rest of my life easily. Don't you see? Giving up your life will save millions, maybe billions of other lives."
The samurai gave me a hard look. "If you believe that, you are a fool."
"What? I'm not squandering the money. I'm putting it to good use! A fool would be someone who spends it all on rice wine."
"Two googolplex is a lot, but is not the life of an innocent man more?"
"Innocent? From what I've heard, you're not very innocent."
"How acquainted are you with Aesop?"
"I know him better than most people."
"How can you not know the tale of ash tree?"
"Ash tree? There's no fable about an ash tree!"
"One day a woodsman came to a forest with an axe without a handle. The oak saw the frustration on the man's face and asked him what was wrong. 'Would one of you trees please provide a handle for my axe? Any wood will do.' The trees were afraid to give up their lives. They whispered to one another, asking what they should say. Finally, a pine suggested that they offer the ash tree. It was young, ugly, and would never be as grand as the oaks and the cedars. So the woodsman uprooted the tree and took it home. He honed it down and made it into a fine axe handle. The next day he returned to the forest, and he immediately began felling each tree in his path. And the wise oak looked at the destruction of his friends and lamented, 'If only we had not sacrificed the ash tree to please this woodsman, we would have stood for centuries.' You think you are saving lives by giving me up? You do not know Aku at all. You may be giving him the means of your destruction."
I couldn't believe the ludicrous tale this Japanese farm boy just told me. "You made that up! You made that up and put Aesop's name on it! That's plagiarism! That's worse than plagiarism!"
"I did not make it up. I heard this tale with my own ears from Aesop."
I could not believe that. "You're either a liar or you're crazy."
"No. I heard nearly all of his stories, but I did not learn them for entertainment or to learn some sly trick. I learned them for their morals."
"I know all of his stories, but I've never heard one of some stupid axe."
"I can tell you the whole thing again in Greek, if that would convince you."
"Nah. Look there. That's the town where we're going." I got a coin out of my pocket. "Heads or tails? Call it in the air." I flipped the coin.
"Heads," he replied uncertainly.
"It's heads. We're going to the diner first. You know, we're going to see some friends of mine that can be really tricky, so I think we'll need these again." I got out the handcuffs, and I put one cuff on his wrist and one on my wrist. "Now let's go."
Ridgebrier is a really small town with only one stoplight, a few stores, a school, a few church buildings, and one restaurant. It's a nice restaurant, one of my favorites. Zeke was there at a booth waiting on us. He ordered my favorite soft drink and a huge cheeseburger for me.
"Fox, you ole dog!" he greeted me. "I see you weren't yanking my chain."
"Nope. I really did get him. Didn't you order him anything?"
"Him? Are you crazy?"
"Zeke, he is my prisoner, but he's also a human being. Waiter, get this man some chicken soup."
"No!" the samurai immediately cried.
"I thought you Oriental people like chicken and rice."
"Not me."
"Alright, peanut butter and jelly then."
"I always figured that either you, me, or my wife would end up catching this here Jack-in-the-box," Zeke grinned. "So, how'd you do it?"
I told him the whole story except the most recent events. Zeke joked about how smart I was, and we laughed about the old times. The samurai didn't talk much. The peanut butter probably stuck to the roof of his mouth. I say, "Good!" I was getting tired of his talking. Zeke paid for his meal and mine. I paid for the samurai's meal because Zeke flat-out refused.
"I can't believe I missed the way you did it," Zeke said. "What's your secret? What you got that I ain't?
I laughed. "Zeke, you're a great bounty hunter but you could use some more skill and cunning. Didn't your wife teach that to you?"
"Nah, but I oughta ask her. Meantime, I know one thing I got that you ain't got."
"Yeah, a way to get around," I chuckled.
"Oh yeah. I mean two things." He pulled something out from under his jacket and pointed it at us. "I also have a loaded gun. And seeing as y'all are a little tied up at the moment, I advise you hand your jackrabbit over to me."
"Zeke, I said you could have ten percent."
"Why just have one cow when you can get the whole ranch. Now hand him over!"
"Come on, Zeke. You acknowledge that I caught him fair and square. Aren't we friends?"
"Friends? This is two googolplex we're talking about! Who cares about friendship?"
"Zeke!"
Just then I heard a car horn. A vehicle drove right beside me, and the window rolled down. "Howdy Danny."
"Jo! Get out of here, the court order!"
"Sure thang." But first she yanked my collar and pulled me inside, and then she drove off. I heard Zeke yelling at us and shooting his gun into the air.
"Wow, thanks Jo. You saved our lives," I said.
"Your welcome. It's odd. We just happened to be driving by on the way to the post office, and we saw you. Wait a minute--'our' lives?"
"Yeah, you remember this guy, don't you?"
"Oh, do I ever." Jo turned around and reached out to stroke the samurai's chin. "Howdy Jay-ick." The samurai groaned and turned his head away. "And I happen to have someone else here with me."
Anna turned around from the front seat. "Hi Daddy!" She gasped. "Is that Samurai Jack?"
"Yeah," I nodded cheerfully.
"Hello, little one," Jack said quietly.
Anna gasped again. "He said 'hi' to me! Daddy, is he coming to the hotel? Is he going to have supper with us?"
"I don't know, honey."
"Daddy, why are you and Jack wearing a chain?" Anna asked somberly.
"Um, Daddy's playing policeman." The samurai gave me a look of shock. I mouthed to him, "It's not a lie." "Anna, where's Mommy?"
"Mommy's still sleeping."
"Tell me, did Aunt Josie talk to Mommy before she went to sleep?"
"Yeah."
"I told you yesterday, she's fine," Josie said.
I was satisfied. Jo evades the truth. She doesn't really lie. She acts. "So, we're going to that hospital?"
"Yep. I'm excited about this guy. I'm not sure what he does, but it sounds like his payment is much more reasonable than two million."
"That's great."
Jo drove up to the main entrance. "I got it all set up. Just go up to the second floor. It's the third door on the right. I'll be in the waiting room."
"Alright, thanks." Jo let all of us off, and we went in.
The doctor had his back turned toward us, but he understood when we came in. "Ah, Mr. York?" he said in a gentle voice. "You are here about your daughter?"
"Yes sir. What is your procedure?"
"Well, as it is, you have a choice." The doctor started to turn around. "Your girl can die later or die now!" He turned fully around and pointed a gun at us. It was Zeke.
Anna cried out and held onto my pant leg.
"Now, if you'll hand him over."
"Daddy, don't let the Boogie Man take Jack!"
"He won't honey. Zeke, you're being irrational."
"Hand him over!"
I ran out of the room. "Jooooooooo! Josieeeeeeeeeee! JOSEPHINE ANN CLEEEEEEEEEEEENCH!"
She met me in the hallway. "Danny, what's the matter?"
"Your husband has gone crazy! That's what this order from the court is about, isn't it?"
"Maybe. Maybe we're all a little crazy--for money."
"Josephine. Not you too."
"Hey, can you blame me? It's two googolplex."
"So there never was a doctor? You just got me here so you could take away my captive?"
"Well, I initially did this for something completely unrelated, but that's beside the point now. When Zeke told me--"
"Zeke told you? How could Zeke tell you?"
Zeke answered that one, "Court said we're supposed to stay a hundred and fifty feet apart. Didn't say anything about phone calls."
"All right then. If you want the money so much, we'll split it." I quickly divided 20 in my head to get an idea. "Oh, two googolplex won't divide evenly by three. Well, I get the extra two dollars because I actually did the job! You had your chance!"
"Nothing doing!" Zeke said. "Hand him over, or the girl gets it!"
"Jo, you're not going to allow this! Birds of a feather flock together"
"Danny, you forget that I read Aesop two. I'm the wolf in sheep clothing. I know that two can play at the same game."
"Can't you let me think it over, privately?"
"I reckon that's reasonable."
"Yep," Zeke answered. He pushed us into another empty room.
Jo put our cuffs around a chair so we couldn't get out. As she was doing so, she was humming a familiar song to herself. It took me a while to remember the words--"Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you." It was our showstopper from "Annie Get Your Gun." I always suspected that was her theme song.
"You got five minutes!" Zeke bellowed before slamming the door.
"I can't believe this," I said.
"Did you not say, 'if you fell for Josie's wiles after all that, it just proves that you learned nothing?'"
"Yeah, but she wasn't supposed to do that to me. I've been her friend since as far back as I can remember. Zeke and Josie were both my friends."
"Again you show your real ignorance of Aesop. You would have known the story of the blind doe."
"Haven't heard that one."
"Once there was a doe with only one good eye. She made a habit of grazing on a cliff overlooking the sea. She kept her good eye toward the forest, ever fearfully searching for hunters, but her bad eye was toward the sea where she feared no harm. But one unlucky day, a sailor saw her grazing on the cliff and shot her with an arrow. Sadly the doe realized that she was safe in the land where she feared danger, but her enemy was from the sea where she felt protected. In the same way, peril can come from those whom we trust the most, the last place we expect."
"Man, your right." I thought about the fable, and I decided that perhaps the reverse was true. So from there, I made the hardest, perhaps stupidest decision in my entire life. I reached for the remote with my free hand and opened the cuffs. Also with my free hand, I got the samurai's sword. "Run for it!" I whispered.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I know the Clenches better than you do. I can hold them off. Like I told you, I got a bag of a thousands tricks."
"One trick that works is better than a thousands doubtful ones."
"One minute!" Zeke yelled.
"I'm not gonna tell you again, git! Now!" So he scurried out the window just as Zeke burst opened.
"Where'd he go?"
"Well, he looked in the mirror on the door and saw himself. And he used the saw to--"
"I heard that one!"
"Yeah, it's a pretty bad joke, isn't it?"
I successfully stalled them for a while, but when they found out the samurai was gone, they weren't happy. We met out of the hospital.
"You really did it now!" Zeke yelled. He had his gun pointed again, and I was ready to face it. I closed my eyes, though. I didn't want to see the look on Anna's face, and I didn't want to look at Jo again. I heard a loud bang, and a ricochet sound. Surely Zeke Clench didn't miss.
I opened my eyes, and I saw the samurai standing right in front of me with his sword drawn. He gave a loud war cry, and I joined him. Together we chased the Clenches off. That was highly amusing, but my story's long enough. That was the last I ever saw of them.
"What was that for?" I asked the samurai.
"One good turn deserves another," he answered as he sheathed his sword.
"The Lion and the Mouse. So that tale does come in good for something."
"Actually, I was thinking the Dove and the Ant, but they're the same story."
"You know, you're alright." I shook his hand.
I didn't know any time portals, but I did advise him of some places not to go mainly good hangouts for bounty hunters. I showed him on a map to those places. Then I thought about all I was giving up, and I broke down. I didn't care what anybody thought this time.
"I am sorry about your daughter," the samurai said softly.
"Yeah, well sorry doesn't make her better!"
"If it is any consolation, I do not think Aku will really pay two googolplex for me. Like you said, it is larger than any number in the world. And there is a fable about a great earthquake in a mountain that made all the earth fear that a great monster would come. But as the earthquake caused a crack in the mountain, only a tiny mouse crawled out."
"It is money for evil deeds. Aku's been good at paying the right amount before. I don't know what I'm gonna do! She's gonna die!"
"This is the real puzzle, not like the pyramid. This requires more thought."
"Maybe I could take up bank robbing. Or I'll be a con artist."
"Aesop would not be happy with that."
"No. What else can I do?"
Then to my amazement, the samurai pulled out a huge bag full of gold and jewels. "Will this help?"
"Wow! Where did you get that? You are a mercenary, aren't you?"
He only smiled, as if to say, "You know I'm not."
"This isn't iron pyrite. This is real gold. I think this is a step in the right direction. Thank you."
"And perhaps you can ask others for money, and you will have the money you need. I am sure those good of heart would provide."
"Ask? Like a beggar? Well, I am poor. I guess I could do that. I hate to let you go, but I guess you got places to go, things to see, and all that."
"Thank you."
"What for? Kidnapping you?"
"Yes. It has shown me more of the underground world. I understand more about you, and perhaps I will not be as hateful to some of my foes."
"You are alright, Jack."
"So are you. Farewell." And so he went on his way.
I'm not your average bounty hunter. I quit.
You probably think I'm crazy, letting two googolplex get away from me like that, and now undoubtedly having to face Aku.
I say, "Good!"