Chapter 9
Confessions
Garak awoke to sunlight hitting his face, filtering through the trees above him. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he felt better since he did. Kay slept on, snuggled in his cloak and nestled on his lap. She looked far better than she had the past night, her skin was not so pale and her breathing was regular. Garak felt his arms bring to tingle, he had lost feeling through the night. Groaning softly he tried to shift under Kay's weight without waking her. But as soon as he moved, the girl sighed and stirred, her eyes blinking open and catching his gaze.
They stared at each other for a while, neither speaking. After a time, Garak coughed uncomfortably and turned away from her eyes. Kay finally noticed where she had slept the night.
"Garak?"
"Yes?"
"Why am I on your lap?" an uncomfortable silence.
"You were cold," the lame reply. Kay shrugged.
"Ok," she said. The girl untangled herself from the Uruk's arms and stood, still wrapped in his cloak. She looked around their surroundings. Garak stood as well, watching her for any sign of pain or weakness. But the girl seemed physically fine; she turned to face him again. "How did I get here? Where are the others?" she asked. Oh shit.
'She doesn't remember her time with the orcs,' he thought. Garak debated whether or not he should tell her the truth, but he figured the memory would return sooner or later. Better he tell her now, so he can help her bear the weight of the painful memory. He looked at her seriously.
"Kay, do remember the battle with the orcs? How they took you?" he asked, carefully keeping his voice and expression calm. Kay was silent for a time, her eyes distant. Suddenly, her whole demeanor changed, her eyes became darker, and she shuddered once before collapsing to the ground. She covered her faces with a hand, the other was balled into a fist. Garak remembered the state he had found her and a thought made him choke. Had they –?
The Uruk knelt down beside her, slowly placing a large, dark hand on her shaking shoulder. He spoke in a low, calming voice, one he would use when calming a frightened animal. "Kay, did they – they didn't – to you…?" he couldn't bring himself to speak the atrocity that he was thinking of. Kay shook her head, not removing her hand from over her eyes. Garak sighed inwardly.
"No," she choked out, "No, they didn't get a chance to, but I'm sure they would have if not…" she stopped, suddenly, thinking back to that time. She looked up at Garak. "It was you," she whispered. "It was you who saved me, you killed all of those orcs, taking me out of that horrible place." Garak nodded, solemnly. She suddenly threw herself into his arms; he put them around her, not thinking about what he was doing. "Why? You were the last person I thought would rescue me," she said. Garak nodded, remembering the argument they had had.
"I was going to apologize, but then the attack came," he said. "The others had to continue on the quest, I came after you." Garak paused and pulled away a bit, looking down into the girl's face. "Kay, I am sorry for what I said to you earlier, yesterday. I do not know what came over me," he paused. "Actually, I do." Kay looked up at him, expectantly and he continued. "Its strange, every time that I am near you I feel an odd tugging in my chest," he put a hand on his chest, over his heart. "I always believed that my heart was dead, that I could not feel anymore, but over the past days since I joined you, I feel like it is coming alive again." Garak didn't know why he was saying all of this, but Kay was watching him with her wide, beautiful eyes, so he decided to just continue. "I don't understand it, and sometimes if frightens me, these feelings I have. I have not felt them before, at least not in this life. Sometime, it feels like I am beginning to remember a part of me that was forgotten, buried under all of my pain and torment. At first I didn't know why this was happening and then it occurred to me," he paused, looking into the girl's eyes. She nodded, urging him to continue. "You," was all he said.
"Me?" she asked, surprised, pulling back some. Garak nodded.
"When you gave me your blood to heal me, that night after the fight with Ungar, I began feeling the change then. It was your blood; it was different than anything else I had ever tasted, because it was given freely and with good intentions. No one had ever done that for me, and you would always defend me, against your friends, even. You treated me like I was a normal person, not a monster. I didn't understand why, and I still don't, but you gave me a chance to be something better than I was. You helped me, healed me, even at the cost of your friends you stood with me. You had faith in me, and I foolishly threw that in your face," he ended with a growl. Kay looked down and nodded.
"I have to admit, that took me by surprise," she said. "I thought we were beginning to become close, then that happened, and I thought everything I had tried to do was for naught." Garak shook his head, and reached out one dark hand. Gently, he tipped Kay's chin up to meet his eyes. She didn't look away, but stared intently into his dark, piercing eyes, seeing the change in the Uruk.
"No, it was because I was afraid, just being around was causing me to feel things that were new and strange to me. I didn't mean to push you away, but I had to. I needed to come to terms with what was going on inside of me; I needed to be alone to do that. I wanted nothing more than to take you right then and say I was sorry, that I hadn't meant it, but I needed time. All of this was new to me, I hoped you would understand." His hand remained, cupping her chin. Kay took a big breath and spoke.
"And, do you understand now?" this was a whisper. Garak could feel the girl shaking slightly under his hand, but by the look in her eyes, it was not from fear. Garak nodded.
"Yes, your blood changed me, inside. I no longer feel the blackness coursing through my veins. It helped me to return, at least partially to what I once was, a long time ago…" his voice trailed off, and he shook his head. "Not only did your blood heal me and change me, it formed a connection between you and me, I felt it every time you were near. I couldn't seem to get you out of my head, every look, every wave, laugh or smile you made just caused a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts to run through me." Garak lowered his voice. "Now I understand, and have accepted the changes. But there are things that the blood have nothing to do with," he added. Kay looked confused and he continued. "Now that we are here, and you are safe I think I can safely say that you have truly brought my heart back to life. Not just physically, but emotions and…" he stopped, unable to put to words what he was thinking, or feeling. Kay reached up and took his hand with her own, holding it gently. Garak looked at their hands, her white, small one, holding his black, large one.
"Just say what you feel, don't think about the words," she advised, softly smiling at him. Garak nodded.
"I want to protect you, from anything that would do you harm. Seeing you in that cave with the orcs, I wanted nothing more than to kill them all for you, but I knew I had to get you out of there first. I want to hold you, talk with you, watch you laugh and smile in the sun. I want to be with you," he said this last in his low, rumbling voice.
Kay looked up at the being before her, smiling. Aragorn and Legolas were wrong, this was not a monster, he was a person, and he had feelings. He had emotions just like she did. Garak was no longer the cruel, cynical, and horrible creature he was made to be. He was just Garak, himself and maybe something a little more, something that he used to be. Kay nodded up at him, then rose up on her knees, still holding his hand. She looked directly into his eyes as she spoke.
"I think I know what you mean," she answered, in a soft whisper. Then Garak did something unexpected. He smiled. Not the leering, sarcastic grin he used to do, but a real smile.
"You were the first person to look upon me without turning away with disgust, and after a time I came to admire the way you faced any challenge head-on, and protected the halflings without any regard to your own safety. Gandalf was right, you are amazing," he said. Kay blushed turning away. Garak chuckled, deep in his chest. "We should move on, Aragorn told me to take you to Rivendell, it will take almost a week to get there," he stood, pulling the girl to her feet with him. She pulled his cloak more tightly around her shoulders, and then he remembered that her own clothes were still in tatters. "I don't have any clothing to give you, but…wait a moment, hand me the cloak." Kay did so and he carefully unraveled a part of it, taking out the thread. Using a small skinning knife, he fashioned a crude needle from a twig. He stitched the two sides of the cloak together, leaving some of it free at the bottom. It looked like a long tube, a dress without sleeves. Garak held it up to Kay's body for a second, and then brought it back to him, he sewed the top, making it smaller, like the neckline. Then he used his knife to cut two slits into it, one on either side. When he was finished he held it up for Kay to see. "Here, put it on," he tossed it to her. It was big, but Kay got it on over her head, her head popping through the smaller opening in the top. She stuck her arms through the slits and turned for him to see.
It was pretty big on her, but it would keep her warm. Garak nodded his approval and stuck his knife back into his belt. Kay sidled up to him, watching him with a small gleam in her eyes.
"I didn't know you sewed," she said with a slightly laughing tone. Garak growled, but not unkindly.
"We had to make our own clothing, of course I can sew," he said stiffly. Kay giggled, and he looked at her. It was the first time she laughed since he had rescued her. The sound made his heat feel lighter; the orcs hadn't touched her that deeply. Good.
They set out, northward, Kay trusting Garak to know where they were going. Garak was careful to go slow enough that she could keep up, they walked in silence, only speaking ever so often to comment on something that was seen. It was almost evening that Garak noticed that Kay was becoming slower and she was stumbling. He decided to call it a day. He found a well secluded clearing and gathered firewood. Kay sat against a tree, watching him. Soon Garak had a small fire going. He turned to Kay.
"I am going to see if I can find us some food. Stay here," and he disappeared into the forest. Kay sat where she was, now and again jumping at a sound. The darkness settled in around her and she hugged her shoulders. Night critters rustled around in the undergrowth. A stick cracked behind her and Kay jumped to her feet. Suddenly, she was taken back to the cave with the orcs. She could see them in her minds eye, as they scuttled around in the darkness. Kay looked side to side, her eyes darting around in the dark.
"Kay?" a deep voice behind her made the girl cry out and turn. Garak stood there, holding two dead rabbits in one hand. The girl looked frightened, and he made as if to go to her, but she suddenly threw herself into his arms. Garak was so startled that he dropped the rabbits to put his arms around her. Kay was shaking so badly that he was afraid she might fall over. Garak lifted her easily, bringing them both over to the fire. He sat down holding her to him, allowing the fire to warm them both. After a while, the tremors began to die down and Kay loosened her hold on him. "Kay? What is it?" he asked, softly. The girl took a shaky breath before speaking.
"It was like I was back with the orcs, it was so dark, and there were things in the dark making noises," she buried her head into his chest. "I was so afraid," she whispered. Garak sighed, one hand reaching up to stroke her hair, the other gently rubbing her back. He didn't know that this would help, it just felt right.
"Shh, its ok, they can't hurt you, I wont let them. You're safe now, don't worry," he murmured into her hair. Slowly, she began to calm down until she finally sighed and looked up at him. Both froze, staring into each other's eyes, so close. Garak felt the familiar tug at his chest – heart, he reminded himself. Out of pure instinct, Garak leaned down, slowly. He could feel Kay's heartbeat quicken, her warm breath puffing against his tainted lips. He saw her close her eyes, it seemed so natural, so real, so right….
Garak stopped before his lips touched hers, pulling back. Mentally he kicked himself for his lapse. Kay was watching him, with a surprised look on her face. So young, he thought. She didn't need this, not now; it was too soon. Gently, but firmly he put her on the ground, close to the fire. He retrieved the rabbits, already skinned and put them on two sticks over the flames. When they were thoroughly cooked, he took them off handing one to the girl, she took it gingerly, and they ate in silence.
As the fire died down, Garak lay down, Kay beside him. Crickets and other night bugs chirped in the dark. A few moments passed, then he felt a pressure against his side. Turning, he saw Kay curled against him. Frowning, he tried to pull away, but she grabbed his hand. He caught her gaze and she pleaded with her eyes as much as her voice.
"Please, I just want to know there is someone there, that you are there," she whispered. Garak sighed, but nodded. He opened his arms, and Kay crawled into them, snuggling against his chest. Once again, they fell asleep holing each other.