THE END OF A DREAM
Disclaimer: I don't own Everwood, la la la…
Summary: My interpretatation of the Ephram/Amy interactions at the end of Monday night's episode Amy's POV..
A/N: Okay, I don't exactly have an amazing memory, so don't freak if this isn't exactly how the episode went. I tried. And I made up the Paige bit. The point was just to get in Amy's head, because she was really difficult to figure out in that one, so I thought someone should go for it. Oh, yeah, and I'm going to do a two more versions (because I loved this ep and sequence of scenes so much) one of which will be Ephram's POV, probably. And the third version will be Amy's POV again, but looking at things a little differently, and probably in the form of a songfic. But those will be a little later on. Happy reading, and don't forget to be kind, rewind—er, review. 3 always - laur
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"So, Amy, you must be so excited!" Paige exclaimed stupidly, dragging out the "so". Before I could get in a word, she continued her rambling. "I mean, Colin's back! It's like you're getting your life back again. It'll be so great to see you acting normal again, instead of hanging out with Mr. Suicidal—"
"He's not suicidal," I responded dully, looking at her, but not really looking at her, if you catch my drift.
"Whatever," she stated emphatically. "But really, aren't you happy? I mean, he's back!" she repeated.
I glanced over her shoulder, my eyes searching the crowded living room until they finally fell upon the one thing they were looking for.
Colin.
He was sitting on the couch with his parents. People were crowded around him with photos, words of encouragement. His mother's hand was rested gently on his shoulder. And he, in the midst of it all, still had that same dumbfounded look on his face, the one that had not left since the moment he arrived home from the hospital. He was looking around at everything like a panicky kid lost in a big crowded place where he didn't know anyone.
Which very well had been the case.
Paige was wrong. He wasn't back. He was gone. And maybe forever.
They'd told me not to get too worked up. And I, stupid and naïve, had not listened to a word anyone said. I wished I had.
I mumbled something hollow like, "Of course I'm excited," and took off to be alone. The best thing that had happened to me in a long time…well, it was turning into the worst night of my life. I snuck outside to the back porch, slid down against the wall and willed myself not to cry.
***
I don't know how long I'd been sitting there. Maybe it was a minute, maybe it was an hour. I was too busy trying to blank out my mind to keep time. The thing that finally knocked me back into reality was the closing of a door.
God…I just want a little time alone to think…or not think…can't everyone just stay inside and let me sulk by myself? That better not be Paige or Kayla or…
"Ephram," I stated plainly, a little taken aback at the fact that he was there but not entirely surprised. "What are you—?"
He plastered on a little smile, for my sake, avoiding my eyes. But his tone of voice was thick with sarcasm and hurt "Couldn't miss the biggest party of the year." I had been avoiding him big-time since the news of Colin's return, and I guess I kind of deserved the sarcasm. You forgot to invite him…or did you? Running away from all your problems, putting him at the back of your mind when there was a conflict you didn't want to deal with. I always run.
I began trying to explain, but not much came out of my mouth. "I'm sorry…I guess I have been kind of avoiding you but it's just…I'm sorry." A few meaningless apologies strung into a sentence. I was avoiding his eyes, too. You're such a coward, Amy.
"It's okay." We both knew it wasn't but for the moment, tried to pretend it was. I finally caught his eye and opened my mouth to say something, but shut it when I realized I had nothing to say. I sighed deeply, finally allowing the pained expression, the one that I had rid myself of when he came outside, to resurface. He didn't say anything, just shuffled his feet uncomfortably. Finally the silence got too weird and he asked me, "So…what are you doing out here anyway?" He was trying to keep his tone casual and light, but there was a bitterness laced through his words. "Shouldn't you be inside, being ecstatic or something? I mean, didn't you Martha Stewart this whole thing?"
How could I explain to him the whole situation? That my boyfriend had no idea who I was, that I was starting to fall in love with him, that what I really needed was a friend but you can't be friends with someone you're falling in love with if you have a boyfriend? That I was supposed to want my boyfriend back and I did, but another part of me wanted him to disappear? That he needed to go away before I did something crazy like kiss him again? No, there was no way to tell him that. In a slightly strained voice, I managed, "It hasn't really gone like I planned."
He looked at me thoughtfully, and then carefully, knowing he was treading on thin ice, launched into, "Colin's back. From where I'm standing…" He paused for a second, then, this time more forceful, continued. "It looks like you've gotten everything you ever wanted since I met you."
He was right, I suppose. I was the kind of person who everything used to come so naturally to. My life had always been like a fairy tale, really…until the accident. But I couldn't tell him that. So I just looked at him, with "duh" written all over my face, waiting for him to break the tension and say something else.
And then he started to kneel down, moving in a little closer. My heart began to pound. Colincolincolin…Ephram… But he lost his nerve, and backed away as he blurted out, "You should get back in there. And I should really take off." He spun on his heel, and started his way off the porch. I didn't know where he was going.
He's not supposed to walk away from you. But I guess he's doing the right thing…so why does the right thing feel so wrong?
A voice inside me was calling for me to go inside to Colin. But there was another voice, a whisper, almost, telling me not to let Ephram slip away. Two voices, one from my heart, one from my conscience, both playing a tug-o-war.
And for once, I gave in to my heart. "Hey…" I called out casually, getting up to my feet.
Ephram stopped, and slowly turned to face me, a confused look on his face.
I'm sure the next words out of my mouth shocked him on levels I can't explain, because I saw the priceless look on his face as I hesitantly asked, "Can I come?"
***
We walked in silence, side by side, down the dimly lit Washington Road. We were passing an empty parking lot when his shoulder accidentally brushed mine. I took that as the initiative to take my fair turn at breaking the tension.
Unfortunately, the words that spilled from my mouth were not exactly casual icebreakers. "He doesn't even know who I am."
"Amy…" Ephram began, turning to face me, searching for comforting words. "My dad said it takes a while. He'll remember eventually."
I shrugged, not knowing what else to do. What if he doesn't? Feeling the need to further explain, I admitted, "I've built my life over memories of me and him. I've spent the past six months sacrificing for him and to find that he can't reciprocate even one of those memories…" And then suddenly, from nowhere, the tears I'd been holding back all night finally broke over, and I let them fall, stopping there on the sidewalk. All the frustration and heartbreak and everything…it just kept building and building.
Ephram kind of just stood there, a mixed array of emotions clouding his face. I saw his hand twitch like he was going to go in to hug me, or touch me, or something, anything. And I wanted him to. Guilty as charged. But I saw that hesitant look in his eyes, saw the hand move and pull back. Like he didn't want to take advantage of somebody else's girlfriend at a vulnerable moment.
Somebody else's girlfriend…I had thought tears were the outlet for all my frustration, but suddenly they felt insufficient. "I had no idea that it would be this hard," I explained to him, trying to keep my cool. He wasn't really looking at me, I think trying to avoid my eyes, because there were no more words to comfort for me. And then, suddenly my heart exploded in a raged torment, and something made me burst out angrily, "When do run out? When do I just give up?"
He turned his head back to look at me, wide-eyed. There. Got your attention. But before I could triumph over the tiny victory, the meaning of my words began to sink in. When do you give up…Amy, stupid, stupid, Amy! Give up so you can be with Ephram? Give up because part of you might not love Colin anymore? Give up why?
And I knew Ephram was realizing the meaning of my words too and maybe even inwardly gloating over his triumph, that I had finally, though in not so many words, admitted that I did have feelings for him. That I did sometimes want to just give up Colin to be with him. And suddenly I had this crazy impulse to just kiss him, run away with him, to somewhere where there were no gossipy townspeople or recovering boyfriends, somewhere where it could just be me and him. And he looked at me and I looked at him and for the second time that night I thought that he might be about to—
"No, Amy," he stated firmly, not exactly sure of himself but firm nonetheless. The sharpness of his voice stunned me. "You won't give up, because you're a loyal person. And from the day I've met you, you've always been loyal to Colin, no matter what anyone else might say. You have to go back to Colin."
I didn't know what to say. He was right. This time, it was him who prevented anything from happening, him who told himself this was wrong. He snapped me back to reality this time.
"How did you get so smart?" I thought out loud, forcing a tiny smile on my face.
"I'm not. If I was, I would've worn a warmer jacket," he teased, bringing the sense of friendship back into the picture. A joke. Where did he find ability to make light of anything? A real grin began to spread across my face, but I didn't realize his sentence wasn't quite finished.
"And I wouldn't be telling you to go back to your boyfriend," he added in a small voice. The bold, self-assured Ephram was gone. And I wanted to badly to reach out and comfort him, as he had done so many times for me. And now he was the vulnerable one, laying himself on the line and… "Ephram," I began, my voice thick with emotion, as my hand shot out from my side, drawing itself towards his face, but he abruptly and instinctively moved backward.
"Look, Amy, I wish it were different…but it's not," he forced out, pained. "I wish I'd been here first, but…it's just not that way. And you need to go back to Colin, and get your life back." That face, the look on it seemed so stiff and unnatural. And I knew he was right. I gave him a look that begged for him to not do this, even though I was trying to fight it. And the only response I got was a look that said he didn't want to, but he had to.
And he was right. You can't ever really be with him. At least not anytime soon. This was all just a dream, you and him, something to get you away from your sucky life where your boyfriend was in a coma.
And no matter how good a dream is, eventually you have to wake up and start living your real life again. Colin was my real life. And even though dreams are better than reality sometimes, you can't live your life based on a dream.
This can't go on anymore. The dream's over, Amy. You had your fun, and maybe this dream will eventually become a nightmare that will haunt you, because you can't have it again…but he is right. You have to go back and start living your life, no matter how hard it is right now.
"You're right," I reluctantly agreed, and then I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I turned around and walked away on the dream that had kept me going over the past six months.
And even though I tried hard to take all of me back into reality, I think a tiny, miniscule piece of my heart had chosen to stay there on that sidewalk. I was going to go back to get it before the dream had a chance to reclaim it, but when I turned, I saw that he already had begun to walk away, and I decided maybe I'd just keep it there for a little while, untouched. At least until I was fully used to living again. And then maybe one day, I'd relive the dream, and by then I'd be so used to living that it would be nothing more than that—a past dream.
Maybe.