Part Two
The story continues straight on from part one, but now we are no longer reliving memories, the past has been examined and laid to rest, the future is out there waiting to happen, and life is continuing on for Steve, Mark, Amanda, Jesse, Rae and Jo.
A Change of Address
Rae ran the brush through her hair and listened to the sound of bird song outside her window. She was getting ready to go and see Brian. She had seen him once since he had used his silk handkerchief to gauge her reaction to the scarves that Leticia Howard and Levington had used on her, and he hadn't even mentioned what he had done. She turned as she heard a sound and smiled as Jesse came in, their daughter in his arms.
Jesse returned the smile as he placed Eliana on the carpet, and the little girl just sat and smiled. She was leaning up against the side of the bed and was obviously extremely pleased with herself. She had just learnt how to sit unaided. It didn't last for long before gravity took over, but while she was upright she just loved it. "Are you ready to go see Brian?"
"Yeah, I had to cancel last week, and I didn't want to have to do that again." There had been a meeting at the precinct at the same time as her appointment the previous week, which Rae had had to attend. A serial rapist was on the loose, attacking early morning joggers, there seemed to be no pattern to his choice of location and he was getting more violent each time he attacked. Rae's friend Jan had been in charge of the meeting and although the subject was horrifying and Rae's heart went out to the four women who had already been attacked, she had revelled in the feeling of belonging, of being a useful cop once again. She wished that she still felt that way. "I'm gonna go straight to work after I finish. Can you take Eliana to Sally for me?"
"Yeah, sure, I haven't seen her in a few days, and I like to hear her praise our daughter."
Rae looked at her husband, he was just so proud of their baby. "Ok, and you'll pick her up, unless something happens to change our plans." Rae leant over and checked her earrings, placed a gold chain over her head and looked at her silver bangle watch, she never got tired of its sleek and simple lines and the fact that it didn't get in the way of anything, she never took it, or the bangle that almost matched it, and was on her left wrist, off.
Eliana's eyes never left her mother's face, and as Rae turned and crouched down in front of her, her excitement got the better of her and she kicked her feet so hard that she fell over onto her side. She wasn't at all bothered by what had happened, but just lay there, babbling away to herself. "dadadamamama." Rae kissed her and then picked her up. She reached out one chubby little hand and pulled hard on Rae's chain, which broke and slid off Rae's neck and over her baby's wrist.
"Oh, Ana, and I liked that chain too." Rae sat her daughter back down and gently prised open her fingers and took the offending necklace away from her. Eliana's face crumpled and she let out a long, loud and heartbreaking wail.
"I think I will leave you with that. I'll see you tonight. Bye, Honey, bye, baby." Rae put the chain back in her jewellery box, blew two kisses, and then, seeing Jesse pick up their tearful child, she left the house.
Rae arrived at the hospital five minutes early for her appointment, and so she made her way up to the fifth floor ready to have a chat with Helen. Brian's receptionist was filing away some folders when she heard the familiar ping as Rae walked out of the elevator, but turned with a ready smile and moved over to the front of her desk.
"Hi, Rae, how are you today? Oh, no baby then?" Helen looked disappointed, when Rae had brought her daughter in a fortnight ago she had got to play with her for almost an hour.
"No, she's with her daddy this morning, and then she's going to her sitter. But I'll make sure I bring her in to see you again soon." Rae had been sucking a piece of candy as she had come up to see Brian, now she moved back over towards the trash can and put the wrapper in. As she did so the elevator pinged again, and two nurses exited, and one of them almost knocked Rae off her feet. Rae, who felt her temper rise, and only managed to control it with difficulty, spun round, "And I hope you have a nice day too. Maybe somewhere along the way you'll find where you left your manners!" The two nurses said nothing but just headed off towards the maternity ward, which was just down the corridor and round to the left. As Rae turned back to carry on talking with Helen she saw Brian's door open and a young man exit.
Helen smiled across at him, but as was always the case when he left, he looked neither left nor right, and moved straight over to the elevator, pressed the button and stood in silence until he was swallowed by it.
"I'll just be a minute Rae, if you don't mind, I need to speak with Doctor Dobson."
"Of course." Rae sat down on the chair nearest to the doctor's office and picked up a magazine from the pile. She flicked through it, and seeing an article on holidays in London she began to read.
"Rae, I am so sorry, that took far longer than I expected, I hope I haven't made you late for anything." Helen's voice broke into Rae's thoughts just over ten minutes later.
"What? Oh, no, I was just reading about holidays to England. I was quite happy being nostalgic, it wasn't a problem." Rae got up and headed into the office, and Brian who was waiting by the door closed it behind her.
"So, Rae, how are you?"
Rae always felt as if her feelings were being laid bare the moment the entered the room, and she seemed to be able to start talking about difficult things straight away. She knew that she wouldn't trust anybody else as she trusted Brian. Sometimes she had to tell Steve things first, but normally he just listened to her, Brian helped her to understand.
"Rae, how are you?"
"What, Oh, sorry, ok, I think. Well, I'm ok, when I can keep control of my emotions, sometimes that is real hard." Rae swallowed as she finished talking.
"In what way? Have you lost control since I saw you last?"
Rae thought for a moment. She had been getting flashbacks to things that had happened with Levington and found things attacking her senses almost for no reason. "Yeah, but not as often as I thought I might."
"What type of things?"
"I suddenly see him, sometimes when I'm setting the table, for a meal, any meal, breakfast, lunch, dinner… He … he used to just sit and watch my every move…" Rae shuddered as she remembered.
"Any other times?" Brian looked intently at her. He had been seeing her on and off since she had arrived in LA and thought that he knew her pretty well by now. He had seen her at her lowest ebb, as well as when she was in no need of his services, and he was sure he could read her and at the moment he knew that she was keeping things from him.
"Yes, some other times." Rae couldn't make eye contact with her doctor. She didn't know if she could talk about what happened in her dreams, and sometimes when she was alone.
"Ok, do you want to tell me about the other occasions, I really think that after all this time you need to be able to face your fears."
"Or my inadequacies." Rae's words were quiet, but Brian didn't have to strain to hear her. He said nothing and just waited. "I see him when I go to bed. Even though it's Jesse lying there, and I know that he wants me to …" Rae paused, this time she could see Jesse's face in her mind, his kind, loving and patient face, although she knew he was finding it increasingly hard to be patient with her. "He wants me to react to him, to let him touch me, and I just can't." There she had said it, it had been twelve months since Rae had left the hospital and she had only let Jesse near her once in all that time.
"Why not?"
"Why not? Because when he touches me, or kisses me I don't see him, I don't feel him I …" Rae stopped talking. She didn't even know how to describe how she felt when Jesse touched her, but it was nothing like it used to make her feel. "I see, well you know who I see, but somehow I don't feel … anything familiar. I don't know … but I can't let it happen, not for long enough to explain it."
"Have you tried making love in other parts of the house? Somewhere other than a bed?"
Rae shook her head. "Sometimes I let him cuddle me when we are in the family room, and if he is working and I'm not he kisses me goodbye, but no, I can't even think about it. I have enough trouble with what he does to me already."
"And what does that mean?" Brian was getting quite troubled by what she was saying, and he wanted to get as much of it out into the open as he could.
"When he touches me, or kisses me, or even says nice things to me I just want him to stop, I want to shout at him, scream at him not to be nice to me, because I don't deserve it. I can't believe that he is still with me, that he still wanted to marry me, and I wish he would go away." Rae had put her hand over her mouth as she finished speaking, she didn't know why she had said that, but it was the truth. She wanted to be alone, just her and her demons, she couldn't bear to have his sympathy, his concern, and his love, it was just too much. She wanted to deal with everything on her own.
"Rae, I think that we really need to talk about this in greater detail. What happened to you wasn't your fault, nor was it Jesse's, he loves you, and I know that when you were rescued all you wanted was to be with him. That was your real, deep-seated reaction; the feelings inside you were ones of longing for the man you loved. When you were first released from the hospital and you and Jesse went to stay with your friend, Texas, you just wanted to be together, why do you think that has changed?"
"I don't know, but it has. I have to stop myself everyday from just laying into him. From shouting at him, sometimes for no reason." Rae slammed her fist down on the table. "God, I am so fed up with being nice. I am NOT a nice person, I can't be, because nice things just don't happen to me any more."
"Rae, look at me. Do you think you deserve the things that happened to you?" Brian's heart sank as he saw her nod.
"I must do, why else would they happen?"
"So when you are nice, which is your word not mine, to Jesse, or Steve, or Helen when you are here, that is all an act? A front for the rest of the world to see?"
Rae nodded. "When I talk about Eliana it isn't a lie. I like to talk about her, and I like to hear what people have to say about her, but apart from that, yes, it's an act."
"What do you think will happen to you if you keep this act up? Do you think that one day it will all disappear and everything will be fine, or do you think it will gradually eat away at you until you have nothing left of the world that you want to be a part of?
"I don't know." Rae looked away. The more he said to her the more she wanted to retreat into her own little world, the world where she didn't have to listen to anybody, or care for anybody, or have anybody care for her.
"What happens when you are at work? Are you a good cop?"
Rae stared at him. His question had taken her completely off guard, and she realised that she didn't know the answer to it. "I… I'm not sure."
"When Doctor Martin signed your release papers so that you could work again, were you ready to go back?"
"Yes, I needed to be back doing what I do best. I am a good cop." Rae stared at him, and he could see the defiance in her eyes.
"Yes, I know you're a good cop. But are you a good cop right now? Can Steve rely on you to watch his back at the moment?"
Rae looked away then and suddenly the scene of the siege at the Tower Mall flashed into her mind. He hadn't been sure of her to start with that day, and neither had she. But she had dealt with it, she had kept him safe. Could she do it right now, today? She had no idea.
"I hope so."
"So do I, because most of the time you're all he's got. Does he know how you are feeling?"
"No." Rae was looking down at her hands in her lap. She knew what was going to happen, and she knew she couldn't stop it.
"I don't think you are fit to continue on active duty, Rae. I think you are suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, and I think you agree with me."
"So, you are gonna sign me off work, so I can do what? Sit around my nice white, nice clean, nice safe house and be nice to everybody?" Rae's voice had risen every time she said the word nice, and she could feel the temper she had been keeping in for so long, perilously close to the surface.
"No, I am going to sign you off work so that you can get your life sorted out. I want you to go home, and think over what we have said today, and I want you to come back tomorrow. I will come in early if that is what you want, or I can see you in the afternoon."
"So, you have let all these feeling out and now you are just gonna send me home?" Rae had stood up as she was talking, and her voice was now raised to a shout. "Well, thank you, thank you very much."
"Rae, if you are just gonna shout then nothing will be gained by talking about these things right now. You need to go over what has happened and then come back. So tomorrow, either early morning or afternoon."
"The afternoon will be fine." Rae's voice was tight and hard and Brian knew that she was determined not to lose her temper any further.
"Very well then, I will see you at two." He stood up and extended his hand, but Rae just turned away from him, and without another word she left his office.
Rae went down to the parking lot without speaking to Helen, and climbed into Tom. She sat there for a few minutes and then she started her car and headed out into the traffic. Her first stop was the precinct, and she stormed in and up the stairs, without speaking to Bob and when she arrived at her desk she sat down with a glare on her face as if daring anybody to come near to her. For a while nobody did and she sat there, her mind going over what had just happened to her. After about five minutes Rae became aware of another person in the squad room and she looked up to see Detective Crosier crossing the floor. She looked towards her partner, but Steve was on the phone. She knew that Crosier was coming towards her and she took a deep breath and waited for his latest set of comments.
"Well, Detective, and how are we today? You know I heard that there is a scarf sale on at a real nice silk shop just two blocks from here. Right in your neck of the woods so to speak." Crosier turned before Rae had a chance to say anything, and laughing to himself he went back the way he had come. Rae leapt out of her chair and stormed across the room, and then grabbing Crosier by the back of his jacket she swung him round and using all the force she could find slapped him hard across the face.
"You ever talk to me again, and I will permanently stop you. Understand?" Rae's eyes were blazing, and Crosier, his hand up to his face took a step backwards.
"Is that a threat, Detective? I would watch yourself, you can lose your badge for talking like that." Crosier sneered at her as he spoke. "And there was me thinking you liked to talk about your past loves."
This time Rae didn't hold back, she slammed the vice man straight back against the nearest wall, and he found himself eye to eye with her. Rae pulled her arm back and slammed it into his stomach, and then leaving the officer rolling on the floor she went back to her desk.
Captain Newman came out of his office and walked over to her.
"Detective Yeager, I would like a word with you in my office, now."
"Yes, Sir." Rae stood up and moved off, leaving a very shocked but relieved squad room behind her.
"Sit down, Detective. Why are you here? And what the hell are you doing?"
"I work here, Sir." Rae could feel her temper returning to where it usually resided these days, just under the surface. She knew that if she were about to be suspended, it wouldn't be on medical grounds any longer, but for insubordination and assault.
"I have just come off the phone with Doctor Dobson, and he informed me that he feels you are not fit to work at the moment. He also told me that he wouldn't be at all surprised if you came here anyway. He didn't tell me that there was a chance of you assaulting a fellow officer, and being brought up on charges."
"No, Sir."
"Was there a reason why you just attacked Detective Crosier?" Rae stayed silent. "Detective, you could lose your badge for what you just did. Now I know that you fought long and hard to be able to stay in LA and work here, I can't believe you would throw it all away like that."
"No, Sir."
"Detective, talk to me. I can't do a damn thing for you if you don't."
"He said something I didn't like. I will apologise to him." Rae didn't look up as she spoke and the Captain knew that there was far more to it than she was prepared to admit. He knew and despised Crosier. He was the type of man that gave cops a bad name. He understood that Rae was under a lot of pressure at the moment, and he had no doubt that Crosier was playing on that. But if she wouldn't open up to him there was nothing he could do about it.
"Reagan," The Captain's voice was suddenly soft and Rae looked up. "Go home, take a week to sort yourself out a little and then come back and see me. I don't want you here if you aren't up to it, this job is too dangerous for that. But I also don't want you to be at home if you could be here, we need you. So give yourself a week and then return, is that ok with you?"
"I suppose it will have to be, won't it?" Rae tried to be civil, but she knew that, for today at least, being nice was beyond her.
"I will contact you in a couple of days to see how you are feeling… if that is all right." The Captain couldn't read his officer at the moment, and that was a concern to him. He needed to know that she was up to the job. Normally, when her life didn't get in the way she was an excellent officer, and he had every confidence in her abilities, but right now, well he didn't, it was as simple at that.
Rae stood up. "Am I dismissed, Sir?"
"Yes, Detective, you are dismissed." The Captain's voice came out as a resigned sigh and Rae turned and left the room. She picked her purse up from where she had left it on the table, and moved across towards the door. She felt Steve rise from his desk even though she had her back to him.
"Rae, wait." Steve watched as his partner didn't even break her stride, but just carried on walking. He sat back down. Sometimes he knew he wouldn't be able to do or say anything that would help, and he got the feeling that this was one of those times.
Rae climbed back into Tom, slammed the door and drove back home. She let herself in through the security gate, waving her hand at the guard as she did so. She parked her car and then went into the house. She knew that she had hours before Eliana and Jesse would be home and she felt completely exhausted by her session with Brian and what had happened in the squad room. Rae kicked off her shoes, and curled herself up on the reclining chair that they had got from Tony and closed her eyes.
Jesse picked up his daughter from Sally's and placed her chair on the seat next to him in the car. He changed the CD to one with nursery rhymes on it and drew slowly out into the traffic. Sally had said that she had been awake almost all day, so he was hoping for a nice quiet evening with Rae, maybe they could talk about what had happened at her meeting with Brian.
Jesse drew his car up behind Rae's on the driveway and then he carefully took his sleeping daughter out of the car. She was already wearing her nightclothes and so he took her straight round to the nursery and gently laid her in her crib. He switched the alarm on and the light off and went back into the kitchen.
Once Jesse had made himself a coffee and sandwich he went into the lounge and stopped as he saw Rae lying fast asleep in front of him. He put his drink on a mat and the sandwich on the table, and then he moved over and looked at her. He thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and still couldn't believe that they were together. He wished that he could help her, that she would open up to him, so that they could solve her problems together. Quietly, he moved right up next to Rae bent down and gently kissed her on the lips.
Rae was instantly awake, her eyes blazing with anger and fear. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Jesse took a step back, and could see that her hands were balled into fists. "Nothing, I just gave you a little kiss."
"Well, just back off, ok. If I wanted you to kiss me I would be standing waiting for you to come home. The fact that I was fast asleep should give you an idea of what I want you do to, nothing! Just leave me alone, completely alone."
Rae got up off the recliner and went to walk out of the room, but Jesse, his patience finally exhausted, grabbed her by the arm and swung her round. "What is the matter with you? Don't you care about me any more? All I want to do is help you. I know you have been to hell and back, but I love you, Rae, and I want us to get back to how we used to be."
"Yeah, well that is never gonna happen, because I don't want to be with you any more. Do I care? No, I don't care, just get out, Jesse, get out and leave me alone."
This time Jesse let Rae leave the room, he was too stunned to say or do anything. He sank down in the chair and ran his hands through his hair as he had seen Rae do so many times.
He was still sat there twenty minutes later when Rae came back in the room. "Oh, you're still here then? I thought I asked you to leave."
"I can't leave, because if I do who will look after Eliana? She needs someone who is kind and gentle, and Honey, whatever you have been in the past, you are neither of those things right now."
Rae swallowed the feelings that threatened to overwhelm her. She wanted to be on her own, that way nobody could get hurt, and nobody could hurt her. She took a deep breath and spoke again. "Then take her with you, it makes no difference, just take her. I want you to leave tonight."
Jesse got up as if in a dream and headed into the bedroom, he grabbed a bag from the bottom of his closet and pulled a couple of pairs of jeans, some t-shirts and all the other things he would need into it and shut the zipper. Then he went into Eliana's room and did the same thing again, picked up his still sleeping child, put her back in her car seat and moved into the hallway. It had taken him ten minutes to collect up everything he needed, and in that time the house had been completely silent.
"I'll go then, unless you want me to stay." Jesse could hear the pleading in his voice and hoped desperately that Rae would hear it too.
"No, if I wanted you to stay I would have said so, just go Jesse, I'll be in touch." Rae had walked over to the double doors, which led out onto their deck. She didn't turn round as she heard the front door open and then shut, but as the sound of the car pulling away reached her ears a single tear escaped and ran down her cheek.
Steve and Jo had just finished putting the dinner in the oven when there was a knock at the door.
"Oh, no, don't tell me we are gonna have visitors." Jo looked at her fiancé and sighed. Michael had finally been persuaded to take the evening off and go to see a show, so that Steve and Jo could have a night completely to themselves, and now just an hour after he had left there was somebody wanting to see them.
Steve went to the door, and looking through the peephole saw his best friend, and goddaughter standing on the step. He opened the door, and was shocked at Jesse's appearance.
"Jesse, what's happened? Are you all right? Where's Rae?" Steve was firing questions at him until he saw that he wasn't really in a fit state to answer any of them. Steve carefully took the carry seat out of his hand and then guided him into the living room.
Jo had come out of the kitchen and she followed them in. "Jesse, Honey, what's goin' on?"
"She … she threw me out, Steve, she said … she said she didn't care about me anymore, and didn't want to be with me. She said to take Eliana too, that it didn't make … any difference to her." Jesse couldn't speak any more. He sank down into the nearest chair and placed his head in his hands. "Oh, God, Steve what am I gonna do without her? I just don't understand why she is doing this to me, to us." He looked up at his friend and Rae's best friend and they could see the devastation he felt written all over his face. Then he just dissolved into tears.
Jo placed her hand on Steve's arm. "I am gonna call her, see if I can find out what is going on." Steve just nodded and she went out into the hallway, picked up the phone and placed her call.
Rae heard the ringing of her house phone but she didn't move. She had no intention of answering it and she just let it ring.
Jo tried Rae's cell phone as well, but that just rang out, she left a message on her voice mail and then, resigned to the fact that Rae just didn't want to talk to anybody, she went back towards the lounge. She stopped just outside the doorway as she heard Jesse, who was now a little more in control of is emotions, speaking to Steve.
"What am I gonna do, Steve? She and Eliana are everything, I couldn't believe that she wanted to spend her life with me, and then I found out about the baby, and I was the happiest man alive. But now a year later it's all over."
"Jesse, I don't think she knows what she wants right now. She's ill, Jess, that is the only reason I can think for her to be acting this way. Brian will help her and then you will get her back. She loves you, Jesse, and normally she is a great mom to Eliana, it will be all right." Steve was sitting next to his friend, his arm round his shoulders. He had tentatively moved closer and closer to him as Jesse had cried, and having not been pushed away had offered the only comfort he could think of. As they sat there Eliana began to stir in her seat. Jo came quietly into the room picked her up and went upstairs with her.
Rae had left a travel cot in one of the spare rooms in case they ever stayed so late that it wasn't worth going home, or if Steve and Jo were babysitting for them. Now it looked like it would become her permanent crib, at least for a while.
Jo laid the baby down and began to rock the cot back and forth with her foot. The gentle movement seemed to soothe Eliana and her eyes began to close again. Jo carried on rocking her long after she had fallen back to sleep. The movements were soothing to her as well as the child. She was very worried about Rae, and tomorrow she would go over and see her and try to find out what was going on, but for now, all she could do was care for her husband and child, so that when she recovered they would be able to become a family again.