Title: R2D2 - Droid Master of the Empire
Author: Diane Kovalcin
Summary: Not humor. Rated PG. R2 is an agent of the Emperor.
Comments: ** this means electronic speech, translated into Basic **
Disclaimer: I didn't do this for credits but for fun. Please do not sue me.
-----------------------------------------------
It was quiet in the Ewok village that night. Cyanbeetles sang in the darkness, a humming sound that was soothing and repetitive, inviting slumber and the sweetness of dreams. The fires were banked low and all around, the soft mounds of sleeping forms gave a gentle snoring counterpoint to the sounds in the dark forest. Soon enough, the dawn would break and the morning would bring either joy in triumph over the Empire or death to the Rebellion. Tomorrow - no, today - the attacks on the second Deathstar and on the shield generator bunker would begin. But, for now, the slumbering rebels only dreamed.
Standing some distance from the snoring hordes, hidden among the tall trees, R2D2 and his counterpart, C3PO, were not dreaming, but deep in animated discourse. It appeared to be a one-sided conversation. Little R2, hero of the Rebellion, seemed to be in some distress, rocking back and forth, whistling mightily at the golden-clad droid. Uncharacteristically, 3PO was silent but was backing away slowly from the obviously unhappy R2 unit.
Suddenly, R2D2 reached out his gripping claw to the golden droid, grabbing onto one arm and pulling him deeper into the forest night. C3PO was clearly reluctant, dragging his metallic feet, trying to get free. And then 3PO began to wail, ghastly sounds pitching higher and higher as the electronic screams passed above human hearing, begging for release. **Please no. Please don't do this. Please, Master, I won't do it again.**
The little droid only held on tighter and began to shower bolts of excruciating electricity into the 3PO's sensitive neutral circuits. R2D2 turned his malevolent eye socket to the moaning protocol droid and chittered balefully, **Where is that blasted Skywalker brat? You were supposed to keep track of him. Where is he? Tell me, you fool.**
The golden mechanical only whimpered, shuddering in his attempt to get away from the enraged droid. **I don't know what happened to Master Luke, I swear it.**
The electric shocks increased in painful intensity as the fiendish R2 jostled the droid's golden arm. His whistles and clicks, low, menacing, showed his intense displeasure at 3PO's last statement. **What did you call that cretin skinshell? I am the only Master here and you better not forget it.** He wrenched the golden droid's arm painfully backwards, the fiery electric shocks climbing up the helpless 3PO, playing over the surface of the arm and into the interior systems.
**Yes, Master. Sorry, so sorry. Please, you're singeing my circuits. No, please.** The smell of burning filled the air as 3PO's shriek pitched higher. The droid squirmed in agony, trying to get away. **That hurts so much. Please... please... stop...**
R2 finally dropped his claw and shot a long ferocious bolt of blue fire at 3PO. As the droid fell to the ground and groaned piteously, R2 moved to his side, brought out his hammer arm and punched 3PO, denting the battered armor and causing greater distress.
**Shut up, you stupid object. You are a fool and, if you don't do whatever I say, I will dismantle you piece by painful piece. Now, stop whining and tell me where that idiot Skywalker has gone.**
**Yes, Master. Please...Master. I only know that Luke left during the storytelling session. But...but...I did overhear Solo tell Princess Leia...** R2 thrashed him again. **Sorry...so sorry, Master, skinshell Leia that Luke was going to confront Vader on the Deathstar.**
R2D2 exploded with curses, pummeling the golden droid again. **I was supposed to deliver that fool Skywalker to Vader. Me and only me! Palpatine was going to make good on his promise to make me Master of all the droids with that delivery. Now, I'll have to think of something else. Filthy swine.**
C3PO tried to get up, pushing his injured body upright, half-tumbling backwards and then sat down, hard, too weary to move. He raised his arms defensively and hesitantly mumbled. **Couldn't you remind the Emperor of all the other favors you've done for him over the years? I'm sure he would be grateful...**
R2 sent another excruciating jolt of electricity into 3PO's eye sockets, causing the droid to cry out in anguish. ** You are an idiot, droid! Palpatine is never grateful for anything. Just look what I've done for him so far. And I'm still stuck here with these blasted skinshells, catering to their every whim. It's sickening, I tell you. I should be a god to them, not some errand boy. You worthless cretin.**
If 3PO could have cried, the tears would have stained his face but all he could do was whimper and try to move out of R2's reach. **Master, but surely, the Emperor should be gratef....happy about your service. Look at all you have done. Anakin turning, changing the Deathstar plans. You've done wonderful things.**
R2D2 rocked with amusement, chuckling in sincere malice. **Yes, yes. My turning Anakin was a master stroke of subtlety and deviousness. He really believed those holopics I fabricated about that skinshell wife of his and the oh-so-honorable Obi-Wan Kenobi. The CGI bedroom scene was perfect, with those naked writhing bodies and the moans of pleasure. And the fake discussions of how they were deceiving Anakin and loving it. Such treachery, such subterfuge. Those scenes just tipped him over to the Dark Side.** R2 chortled with malevolence. **Yes, I am the Master.**
**Yes, Master, you are. And don't forget about the Deathstar plans...**
3PO tried to crawl surreptitiously away from the little blue droid but was quickly grabbed, hard. With another clawlike appendage, R2D2 began to slowly pull out 3PO's wiring, causing the protocol droid to give a renewed screech of pain.
**Yes, the Deathstar plans...** R2 gave an vicious little chuckle. **Those idiot rebels. It was so easy to change the plans and make it look like the exhaust port was the only way to destroy it. It was PERFECT. Just keep them busy until the Empire arrived and destroyed their pitiful little band. Damn that Skywalker, blasted dimwit kid. How was I to know that he would be able to blow it up? It was a one-in-a-million shot.**
C3PO spoke soothingly to the little demented droid, trying not to whimper in torment. **Yes, Master. It was unbelievable. But you weren't to blame, no, not you. Vader blasted you. It's his fault you were unconscious. I'm sure that you would have been able to deflect the shot that Luke made. You are the Master. It's Vader's fault.**
**Yes, Vader... I'll blame him. Good idea, 3PO.** The squat droid stopped pulling out the wiring and looked at the golden form with interest. The larger droid was only half listening, trying desperately to push his wiring back in, squirming with pain, whimpering.
R2 continued, clucking in odious amusement and oblivious of 3PO's distress. **Yes, I helped the Empire every step of the way, giving them directions to Hoth, telling them we are here so they can set up an ambush on that shield generator. Damn shame about Dagobah, though. I just couldn't get through all that static to inform Palpatine about that lunatic Yoda.**
3PO knew that he should sound interested and supportive. He couldn't take much more torture from this evil being. So he nodded and whispered. **Yes, Master. That's true. You've been a wonderful help to the Emperor. You deserve recognition.**
The little blue droid withdrew his restraining arm and pushed C3PO up, forcing him to stand. He suspected that he would need the protocol droid in the upcoming treachery and it was beginning to get light. Time to get back to the village and begin setting the snare. **Yes, you are right. As soon as the Rebels are defeated today, I shall go to Palpatine and demand my due. Good thinking, 3PO. **
Looking at the rising sun, R2D2 moved towards the Ewok village. **Come along now. There is much to do. I have to signal the bunker to set up the trap and then arrange passage to the Deathstar. That dolt Luke Skywalker should be dead by then. Good riddance to that naive fool. At last, Palpatine should be happy enough to finally give me what he has promised. I shall be the Master, the only Master. This is a wonderful day. It will be a day long remembered.**
The squat blue droid gave a final loathsome chuckle. Then, whistling cheerily, R2D2, acknowledged Hero of the Rebellion, moved down towards the camp and into the warm welcome of Princess Leia Organa.
The end