Home Is Where The Heart Is
Rae had stayed in bed for the rest of the day, after she had passed out, and had slept through until two in the morning before she realised that she was awake, and not likely to be going back to sleep very soon. As she lay there her thoughts began to clear and for the first time, probably since she had been in the hospital, and definitely the first time since Eliana had been taken, she began to think seriously about how everything would be affecting the other people in her life.
Tony had been in to see her, and his presence had helped her a great deal, but she had been on the ventilator then, and she hadn't been able to speak to him. She knew that he was flying home in the next day or two, and she hoped that he would come see her before he left. Rae wondered about her other children; did they know about their sister's disappearance? She hoped not, but news was international almost the second it happened these days, and she had a feeling that there would have been no way that they could have escaped knowing.
Rae flexed the fingers of her left hand and tried to move her arm. The pain was still as bad, if not worse than before, and her right arm just as burningly painful, but maybe things would get back to how they should be, one day. Rae sighed, it was one thing to be scared to death of something tangible, like the thought of silk scarves, or the feeling of things round your neck, like this damn brace, Rae pushed the thought away, but to be almost paralysed with pain and to have no idea what had caused it, Rae stopped. She wasn't supposed to be thinking about herself, she had done too much of that lately. The image of Mark's friendly but worried face came up in her mind, and she heard him speaking to her. He had suffered, maybe in some ways more than anybody else, he was such an active man, and his brain was always way ahead of everybody else's, to have let first the murder case, and then Eliana's disappearance and successful recovery go on around him, without being able to do anything to help must have been doubly difficult for him.
Steve, suddenly Rae needed to see her partner, to hear his voice, to know that her world was safe and secure once more and that he trusted her again. She pushed his face to the back of her mind. She loved him so much, but she was so angry with him. And then there was Jesse, they had talked before he left to get their little girl back, she was so glad of that, but she had hurt him, badly, she knew that, and it would take time to get things back to how they were. But he had said some awful things too, about Eliana being sold or dead, Rae shuddered, thank God neither of them had become a reality. Rae turned her head slightly and tried to get more comfortable in the bed, she wondered if Eliana would recognise her, would know that she was still her mummy, well, if she didn't she had all the time in the world now to remind her. Rae's thoughts all began to run together, she was feeling tired again, and gradually her eyes closed, and her breathing got deeper and slower and she fell back into a healing sleep.
Jesse had asked Steve to spend the night in the sleep room so that he could drive back to LA. That way Eliana would have her daddy with her in the back of the car all the way home and he could sleep when his daughter did. By the time Doctor Hernandez had finished his rounds it was nearly eleven o'clock and Jesse was almost beside himself with anxiety, excitement, impatience and almost every other emotion known to man. He had sent Steve out to fill the car with gas, and make sure that they had things to eat and drink. He had no intention of stopping except to change diapers all the way to LA.
Steve had done everything that had been asked of him with a smile. He knew that Jesse was having trouble keeping himself in check, he wanted everything to go as smoothly as possible, and at least at the moment Jesse seemed to have forgotten his earlier animosity towards his friend. When Jesse finally came out of the ward with Eliana in his arms Steve was sitting in the hallway reading the book he had bought while he was out. He also had a bag of goodies next to him.
"Hey, Steve, whatcha reading?"
Steve looked a little embarrassed for a moment and then he showed his friend the title. 'So Your Child Has Asthma.' "I just wanted to know what she would be facing, I didn't mean to presume."
"Steve, don't worry about it, come on let's go." Steve was shocked by the irritation in Jesse's voice, although he guessed that he shouldn't be surprised, but Eliana was safe, and for the life of him Steve couldn't work out what he had done wrong since she had been found. Steve began to collect all his things but Jesse was already halfway down the hallway on his way to the parking lot before he was halfway done.
Rae hadn't woken up again until lunchtime, when she had realised that she was hungry. She couldn't actually remember the last time she had eaten properly. Certainly not while she was in jail, so it wasn't surprising that she was in need of food, even hospital food. She carefully pressed the buzzer and waited for a nurse to come see her.
As she lay there she realised that for the first time in a long time she wasn't worried, or frightened, she was just Rae. She was sad for the things that had happened, but not in a way that overwhelmed her. Rae wasn't stupid, she knew that even as close as tomorrow she may feel threatened all over again, it would take her time to be whole once more, but as she lay looking at an area of ceiling she hoped she would never see again, she knew that she would make it, and in one piece.
"Detective Yeager, are you all right?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I was miles away, yes, I'm fine, but I am really famished, could I have some lunch do you think?"
"I'll check with Doctor Collins, but it doesn't say on your chart that you can't." The nurse put the clipboard she had been checking back in the slot at the end of Rae's bed and moved out towards the nurse's station. Fifteen minutes later Rae had a tray with meatloaf and salad and a rather vivid green jelly on it. The positive mood of the morning disappeared as Rae realised that she was unable to eat her meal unaided. She pressed the buzzer once again.
This time it was Wil himself who came in, and he understood her problem straight away.
"How am I going to cope at home? Jesse will need two high chairs." Rae's voice was quiet, and Wil could tell, that certain aspects of her disability were just being realised by his patient.
"From what I've heard about how things were organised when the Lieutenant hurt his hands, I think you will be fine, but for today I'll get someone to help you. Then once you have eaten we'll get you back out of bed, ok?" Wil went out into the hallway, but as he did so the nurse on duty disappeared into a room further down the corridor. He turned and seeing Shannon in the room next to Rae's indicated for her to come see him. "Do you think your young man would spare you for a little while to help Rae?"
"I'm sure he would, why, what's the problem?"
"She is unable to feed herself at the moment, could you quite literally give her a hand?"
"Yes, Doctor." Shannon moved back into Alex's room, explained the situation and then went and sat next to Rae. "Hi, do you remember who I am?"
"You're Shannon, Alex's girlfriend, I'm sorry about this."
"Hey, it's no problem, I have done this loads of times before, now, do you want the fork to be a train, a plane or just a fork?"
"I think I can cope with it being just a fork." Rae smiled, she had been deeply embarrassed to be unable to feed herself, but in one sentence this young woman had made all that disappear.
By the time Rae had finished her lunch she had told her new friend about when Steve had plaster covered hands and Mark had opened his own mouth each time he fed his son. Shannon had been relieved to find out that she didn't actually do that herself. Then Shannon had discussed the whole of the evening when Alex had dated the nurses who had bid for him. She had managed to tell the story without mentioning Louise and Rae had enjoyed herself immensely. Once the tray had been taken away Shannon had begun to rise out of her seat, but had seen Rae move her hand.
"Yes? Is there something else I can do for you?"
"I am going to be back in my chair in a little while, do you think I could come and see Alex?"
Shannon had smiled, "I know he would be delighted to see you. Doctor Collins said that he would be getting out of bed himself tomorrow."
"Oh, that's wonderful, I am so pleased for him. I'll see you in a little while then."
Rae had found the journey from bed to chair less harrowing the second time around, and soon she was in Alex's room, and Shannon had excused herself to get Alex some clothes from his apartment ready for when he could get out of bed himself.
"She's a lovely girl, Alex, and she cares for you, a lot." Rae was as close to Alex's bed as her chair would allow.
"Yeah, I guess I have really tested how she feels about me haven't I? Rae I am so sorry that I let Louise take Eliana, you must just hate me."
"Alex, no, of course I don't hate you." Rae could see that Alex was unable to make eye contact with her.
"Alex look at me, please, and listen. I don't blame you for what happened, there isn't anyone to blame, except that mad man. She told me that I had taken Levington from her and now she was taking everybody I cared for away from me. It was just bad timing that meant that you came along at that moment, and with Eliana in your arms." Rae stopped speaking and looked at Alex, but he still wasn't looking at her, and she knew he wasn't convinced.
"Alex, did you know Louise was in my room?"
"No."
"Did you bring Eliana up to see me or her?"
"You."
"Why?"
"Because, because I thought it might help you remember. I felt so sad for you that you couldn't remember your baby."
"So you didn't intend to hand her over to someone who was going to kidnap her and take her away from her parents and her home?"
"No, Rae!" Alex looked up then and his eyes were full of anguish.
"Sounds awful doesn't it? But that is what you are blaming yourself for doing." Rae smiled. "Nobody would do that, least of all you. You brought her into the world, Alex, I know you would never hurt my child, I know how empty and lost I feel without her, and I would guess that you are hurting in a similar way, but there is no blame to be shared out, none at all."
"Shannon said that Jesse would be bringing her home soon."
This time Rae beamed. "Today, he is bringing her home after rounds today." Rae looked down at the clock on Alex's nightstand. "They will be somewhere between here and Fresno right now, bringing her home."
"Will you let me see her, still be her godfather?" Alex still didn't seem convinced.
"No, not if you don't stop berating yourself. Alex, we have all had a terrible time, and I have been next door beating myself and everybody else up with my despondency, but it is over. It will take a long time before we can put it all behind us, I know that, but we have to start trying. From right now, today, because today she comes home."
They didn't speak very much after that. Rae asked for Alex's hand and she had held it gently in her own, and they sat quietly, helping each other just by being together. Finally a little over an hour after Shannon had left she came back into the room.
"Hey, Alex, Rae, you are very quiet, are you all right."
Alex had smiled then, "No, but we will be, won't we, Rae?"
"Oh, yeah, we will be, gradually. Shannon do you think you could take me back to my room? I need to get ready for a visitor."
Jesse and Steve had just managed to get into LA ahead of the evening rush hour traffic, and they pulled into the parking lot of Community General just before five. Eliana had slept almost the whole time the car had been in motion, and as soon as it stopped she opened her eyes and looked around until she saw her daddy's face and then a big smile appeared, "dadadada."
"Hey, that's me! Now, let's go find Mommy, ok?" Jesse undid the restraints on the child seat and eased Eliana out of the chair. Steve was standing by the now open back door to the car and he took the little girl into his arms. She reached up and pulled at his hair as he stood with her, and he smiled.
"No, that is a no, no. We don't pull hair." Steve placed a finger into her palm and gently moved her arm away from his head. Eliana just looked at him and waited. Steve let go of her hand, and she pulled his hair again.
"Ow!" The little girl had gotten a good hold this time, and Steve's cry frightened her. Her face began to pucker, and Steve knew he was about to get the full works. Eliana began to scream, she cried and cried, and nothing 'Uncle Steve' could do would stop her. Jesse had got out of the car and taken her from him, but that hadn't stopped the flow either.
"Oh great. Now she is gonna go upstairs all red faced and puffy, way to go, Lieutenant!"
"Jesse! I'm sorry, ok, but she pulled my hair, it hurt, and she shouldn't do it." Steve could feel the temperature drop as his friend rounded on him again, and although he didn't' say anything, Steve was getting very fed up with it.
"Shhh, Honey, come on, baby, Mommy's waiting upstairs to see you." Jesse looked around and saw Steve rummaging about in the car, and then he brought out a ready-made bottle of formula.
"Would this help?"
"Yeah, it might." Jesse sat back down in the back and took the small bottle without another word and gave it to his daughter, the crying stopped the instant the nipple was plunged into her mouth, and then apart from the sound of sucking there was complete silence.
"Wow, having a baby is exhausting isn't it? I guess the hair pulling is just the start. Don't children hit, thump even bite? And temper tantrums, and boys" Steve smiled, but as he looked at Jesse he could see that it wasn't being returned, something was very wrong between them, but he had no idea what. He watched Eliana as she drank her formula, every time she cried like that he felt drained. "I always feel so helpless when she really loses it."
"Yeah, well, you'll get over it, especially if you are planning on having some yourself."
"Maybe Jo and I should get a cat instead." But his words were lost as Jesse shut the car door to keep the chilly evening air off his daughter. Steve sighed, nothing anybody said could put him off wanting to be in the same position as his friend, and soon, he hoped, very soon, but he also hoped that by then he and Jesse would be on much better terms than they were right now.
The bottle of ready-made formula was only small, and in five minutes the two men and their precious cargo were in the elevator on their way to the Rae's room.
The doors to the elevator pinged open and Steve, Jesse and Eliana came out, and suddenly both men felt nervous.
"Jess, I'm gonna go see Alex, I don't want to intrude, but I'd appreciate it if you would let me know before you go home? I could do with a lift."
"Ok." For a brief second Jesse just stood, and then with a look at his little girl he turned his back on Steve, moved down the hallway and tapped lightly on Rae's door.
Steve looked once again at Jesse's back, and then with a shake of his head he walked towards Alex's room.
Jesse took a moment to realise that Rae was out of bed and in a wheelchair, and then he was in the room and Rae was smiling and crying at the same time.
"mamamamadadadada" Eliana had no intention of keeping the reunion a quiet affair, she could see her mommy, and she wanted her. Jesse had trouble keeping hold of his daughter, and in the end he gave up and gently placed her in Rae's lap.
"Thank you. Jess, keep hold of her, because I can't." Rae looked down at her child and drank in every inch of her, "Oh, baby, your beautiful curls, they'll grow back though, won't they? Ana, I missed you so much… Oh, sorry, Jess."
"Honey, you can call her whatever you want. When you called out that she had taken Ana I knew I had you back, and now we have her back too, it doesn't matter any more."
Jesse looked at the scene in front of him, the two ladies he loved the most in the whole world were there sitting looking at him, and he knew that whatever had happened in the past his luck was still with him.
By the time Rae, Jesse and Eliana had had their reunion and were ready to face the world together, it was too late to release Rae that night, and so it was arranged that she would go home the next morning after rounds. Jesse kissed her goodnight, and then he and Eliana went home together.
Rae had been sitting, still in her chair, for about ten minutes when there was another knock on the door. She looked up and her face broke into a smile when she saw her partner standing there.
"Steve, oh, Steve, thank you, thank you so much."
Steve came into the room, and as gently as he could he took her into his arms and hugged her. "Rae, oh, Honey, I have missed you, I'm so sorry about Eliana, and, and other things too."
Rae looked at him, all the euphoria gone suddenly to be replaced by the hurt she had felt when she learnt that he had abandoned her.
"How could you think I would murder someone, or three some ones, and to hurt Texas or your dad? Would you have testified against me, Steve, would you?"
"Oh, God, Rae, I don't know, I never got that far. He's my father, and he called your name out, he cried out 'Rae … no.' what was I supposed to think? They found your sneaker patterns in the blood, you had it all over your clothes, and it was my dad's." Steve had moved away from his partner and was pacing the room.
"But your dad never thought I did it, he knew I was innocent all along, and he doesn't know me as well as you… nobody knows me as well as you."
"Ok, now look. I made a mistake, I can stand here and admit that, I'm not a coward, but the evidence was damning long before I started to doubt you, and that woman nearly killed my dad, and Jo, and everything pointed at you, Rae, what the hell else was I supposed to think?"
"I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DIDN'T DO IT!" Rae was shouting now, and she could feel the pain as it moved through every injured part of her, but she didn't care.
"I KNOW THAT NOW!" Steve's voice was matching her own, and he moved over and shut the door, glaring down the nurse who was tentatively making her way over towards them.
"Do you have any idea how much it hurt when your dad told me you thought I was a killer?" Rae's voice sounded as if she had been de-pressurised. All the fight had suddenly left her. "You are my partner, even if I found you with a smoking gun in your hand I would know there had to be another explanation, and yet you just jumped on the bandwagon with everybody else, and convicted me, you didn't ask me whether I did it, you just assumed." Rae slowly and painfully turned her head away, and shut her eyes.
"You were in jail, I am not family, I couldn't come see you, and it takes thirty days anyway. I did come when you were in here, but you were out cold. Rae, I'm glad that you have your daughter back, and if you want to work with me again when you are passed fit I will try and make it happen, but if you have lost confidence in me, then fine, I'll work with somebody else, but now I am going home to Jo, when you feel you can face me again, let me know."
Steve left the room and reached the parking lot before he realised that Jesse had gone home without him.
"Dammit." Steve kicked a soda can across the lot, and remembered suddenly how he had dinged Rae's car when he did that, almost two years ago. As he stood there, he realised that parked just in front of him was Alex's car. He went back up into the hospital and after getting permission to use it, and the keys, made his usual journey home.
Dinner at the Walters residence that night had been a very quiet affair. Steve kept going over and over what Rae had said in his mind, but it didn't matter how many times he relived it he knew that he wouldn't have done things any differently. He didn't know if he would ever work with Rae again, he hoped so, but right now, he just wanted to forget.
Jo had watched her fiancé for a while as he ate. She knew that he didn't actually taste anything and was going through the motions. She was so relieved to have him back, although she hadn't said anything to anyone while he had been away, all she could think of when she was alone was that he was chasing a serial killer who wouldn't want to be caught. The cop that was still inside her knew all the pitfalls, all the dangers that he faced every day, and they scared her half to death. Thankfully this time he had come back in one piece, but there had been no guarantee of that, there would never be any guarantee of that.
Mark had tried to make conversation for a while before giving it up as a bad job. Michael had served in his usual quiet efficient way, but somehow that had only accentuated the frosty and sombre mood of the table.
In the end Steve had stood up and picking up his wine glass had gone out into the garden. He had shut the door behind him and both Jo and Mark had known that he did not want company.
"Mark do you have any idea what is the matter with him?"
"No, not really, but I would imagine that now everything is back to normal, he is just beginning to realise that nothing is back to normal, if you see what I mean."
"I do, I guess we thought that when Eliana came home we would all be transported back to where we were before any of this happened. But that isn't how life is, is it? There has been too much hurt caused this time for us to just carry on without it affectin' us. I guess that woman has achieved what she set out to do after all."
Jo had got up herself then, and headed up the stairs. She could see why Rae retreated to her bedroom when life got tough, because that was what she was about to do.
Steve had sat out underneath the stars for over two hours before the cold finally drove him inside. His father had put his head round the door about an hour before to say that he was going to bed, and he knew that Michael wouldn't retire for the night until he did, so he guessed he ought to come in.
The house seemed very warm after the December air outside, and shrugging off the thick shirt he had on over his t-shirt he made his way up the stairs. The light shone out across the hallway from the room he shared with Jo, which surprised him, he felt sure she would have been asleep. He opened the door carefully in case she had nodded off with the light on, but she wasn't on or in the bed. "Jo, Honey, are you in here?"
Steve moved into the room and looked around, he was just about to go back out to look for her somewhere else when he saw her. Jo was sitting on the chair from her dressing table, but she had moved it over into the corner of the room, and she was perched on the seat, her arms protectively around her knees, which were drawn up to her chest. Steve looked at her and his heart sank. He had seen her like this, once before, then he had managed to get her back, but he wasn't so sure that he would be able to do it again.
"Jo?" Steve slowly moved towards her, not wanting to frighten her, but he had a feeling that she was completely unaware of his presence. "Jo, Sweetie, it's Steve," he was right next to her now, and he gently placed a hand on her shoulder. There was no response at all, and he knew that while he had been sitting looking at the stars, Jo had been in here, looking inwards, and now she had disappeared, but this time it seemed she was too far away for him to reach.
For a few minutes while he calmed himself Steve held her close to him and gently stroked and kissed her hair. There was no response, but he just needed to feel her physical presence. Then he picked her up, and even though she was almost a dead weight, managed to get her over and onto the bed. She had undressed before she sat in the corner, and so he just pulled the covers up over her, and then after kissing her hair once more, he went in search of Michael and his father.
Wil had sedated Rae after her row with Steve, he still wanted to send her home the next day, and she needed to be rested for that to take place. If she stayed in the hospital he knew that she would wallow, and he had already seen what she was like when that was allowed to happen.
By nine the next morning, Jesse and Eliana were waiting in the hallway outside Rae's room. Eliana was in her stroller; she had a pink snowsuit on and little cream boots. When Jesse had arrived home the night before and unpacked everything he had found a parcel wrapped in gold paper, with 'To my goddaughter' written on it. Inside had been the snowsuit, the little boots, a hat, mittens, everything the well-dressed little girl was wearing this winter, and she looked beautiful in it. Trouble was, it was very warm in the hospital, and if Rae didn't hurry up then the effect would be lost. The mittens and hat had already been pulled off, and Jesse could see Eliana eyeing up the boots as he sat there.
The door to Rae's room opened and she was wheeled out. Jesse could see that she'd had her hair cut and her make up done, he beamed at her and moved over and kissed her gently on the lips. Then he went back over and spun the stroller round so that Rae could see her daughter.
"Oh, Honey, don't you look a picture." Rae smiled just as the first boot hit the floor, the second one followed, and then each foot in turn was moved up and the socks removed too.
Jesse looked at his little girl and shook his head. He put the socks and the boots back on, and considered the advantages of glue. Then he pushed the stroller towards the elevator and watched with pleasure as Rae was wheeled in to join them.
The journey down was a silent but relaxed one, and soon they were out by Jesse's car. Wil smiled at his temporary patient and began to speak. "Ok, we have gone over everything this morning, but I will just mention the main points again. You will need to get on your feet for a little while every day. The pain you felt was because you hadn't been using your legs as well as the injury. You will need to rest the leg as well as have physical therapy on it. I don't expect you to be joining in with the aerobic classes on the morning show yet, but a little exercise won't hurt, by which, at this early stage, I just mean standing up and sitting back down again a few times, ok?"
"Yes, Doctor Collins." Rae smiled, she had heard this before, but she had asked him to go through it all again, so that she didn't have to repeat it herself half a dozen times when she got home.
"Neck, shoulders, arms and hands are a different matter. Until we start the physical therapy after Christmas I want you to be very, very careful. Alex told me yesterday that he has an idea about a removable cast for your left arm, and I am going to go see him about it today. You are still very swollen, and until that goes down, we can't do anything very much, so be cautious. If it hurts, stop."
"I will, and Wil, thank you, thank you for everything."
"The chair and the neck brace go with you I'm afraid, but they will both be returned to me before too long." Wil smiled. He knew that Rae was coping far better than anyone had hoped with the fear being caused by the collar, but he also knew that she had been desperately hoping to leave it behind when she went home.
"How long, I just want to take it off, all the time." Rae fought the panic back down, and looked at her doctor.
"I don't know, but you are married to a doctor, I am sure that he will make a certain amount of time each day when you can take it off."
"I guess I can manage that." Jesse smiled. He had been thinking that himself, so it was nice to get it suggested by someone else.
Between them Jesse and Wil got Rae into the car without causing her too much extra pain, and then Wil folded the wheelchair and put it in the trunk along side Eliana's stroller. He moved back round to the front of the car and smiled at Rae. Jesse pressed a button on the dashboard and the window came down.
"Ok, Rae, physical therapy starts for your knee tomorrow at ten, and then every other day after that. I won't see you every time you come, but I will make a point of being there tomorrow. Now you take care, and any problems, just call me."
"Wil, thank you, for everything, but especially taking over and putting up with so much when first Alex and then Jesse couldn't care for me."
"It was my pleasure, I know, I know," Wil could see Rae about to speak again. "You will be going back to Alex, and I am pleased that that is the case. He needs his confidence boosting a little right now, and he is a good doctor. Now, go home." Wil smiled and then so did Rae as she heard the car start. Slowly the window went back up and they drove out of the parking lot.