Rest and Recuperation

Rae sat and looked at her partner. Jo had stood up and scooping Eliana into her arms had moved out into the hallway. "Steve, please, do you really think that? That everything is my fault?"

"No, no I don't, and I shouldn't have said anything like it. I, I just feel helpless when Jo is like she has been the last few days, I needed someone to blame, and you were an easy target, and then just now…" Steve trailed off, he felt very guilty now that he had realised why she had made him so angry, and he knew that what he was about to say would make him sound like a spoilt child. "When I heard your voice in here, and then Jo's and she was happy and laughing I… I was jealous."

"Jealous, what of?" Rae looked completely confused as she listened to her partner.

"Jealous of you, because you helped her talk, and laugh and I couldn't get any response out of her at all."

"Oh, Steve." Rae's voice was soft, and somehow that made it worse, he felt unable to look her in the eye, but he knew that he had to make his peace with her now, or he may never get a chance to do it again.

"Don't Rae, I don't need your sympathy." His voice grew hard again, as he fought his emotions.

"Ok, maybe I just need to collect my daughter and go home, Jesse will be here in a few minutes anyway. You know where I am if you want to talk."

"Dammit, Rae, you know I want to talk, but I don't know what to say."

"Well, maybe you could tell me how I am supposed to trust a partner who thinks me capable of murder? That would be a good start." Rae's voice had lost its compassion, and Steve could see that her right hand was held in a tight fist.

"Until Dad was attacked, I didn't. I knew it looked bad for you, but I didn't believe that you could kill somebody in cold blood. But Rae, he's my father, and I had to go with what he said."

"The man was under the influence of the anaesthetic, and as soon as he was able he told you that it wasn't me. I didn't see you come rushing to my side then."

"Rae, I'll admit, I got sucked in by the way she framed you, if I had thought for a while, maybe I would have made the connection between you, Levington and then Willis, but I didn't. It wasn't my case, I had other things to deal with, and the main one was my dad being in the hospital with a stab wound to his side, and a ruptured colon. Life wasn't great for me either you know."

"I know. But when Mark told you it wasn't me, why didn't you believe him?" Rae wouldn't let it go. She needed to know.

"Because I knew that you were ill. I had seen you lose it at Bob's, you pulled a gun on Jesse and me, assaulted a police officer, Honey, you were behaving irrationally. I was scared for you, I knew you needed help, and the only way I could see you getting it was if you were convicted and sent to a secure psyche ward. All the evidence pointed to you, I didn't want you to get off on a technicality and not get help."

"So you were doing it because you cared?" she said sarcastically.

"Oh, God, Rae, I don't know what to say. I was worried sick for you, and when you were arrested the attacks stopped. What was I supposed to think?"

"That you knew me better than that."

"Maybe it was because I knew you so well, that I thought you might have done it."

"I don't understand that." Rae looked straight at her partner, and she could see that he was working out what to say next.

"Rae, I love you, you know that, and I would lay my life on the line for you, and I know that you would do the same for me. But I have seen you under the most incredible pressure over the last two years or so… and then suddenly I was watching my father being wheeled into the OR for the second time… thinking that he would never come out again.  I'm a cop Rae; I put the facts together to get answers. You were the answer I came up with. I had to put the personal aside, and just go with the factual… Rae, I'm sorry."

Rae sat quietly, and Steve could see her clenching and unclenching her right fist, and he knew that she wanted to run her hands through her hair, and was unable to do so.  He realised that he could no longer bear the silence and so he spoke again.

"Rae, I'm sorry."

This time Rae smiled, "Then I forgive you."

"That's it, you forgive me?"

"Yes, that's it. And I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been so angry with you for suspecting me. Steve, I love you too, you know that. We've had a wild ride since we got together, I hope one day it can continue."

Steve shook his head. She never ceased to amaze him. "Why is it that yesterday you were ready to swing for me, and now all is fine again?"

"Because you dropped the personal and went with the factual, that I can live with. Steve, the evidence against me was overwhelming, I knew that, and if I hadn't, well, Cheryl arrested me, and she's a good cop, but you, you're my partner, I just couldn't believe you could ever suspect me of those crimes, not until just now, when you told me you were following the facts. "

Steve moved over and dropped down in front of his partner. "One day I will work you out, Reagan Susan Yeager, one day."

"And then life will be really boring."

Steve gently took Rae's shoulders in his hands and she leant into his chest. They hugged like that for a few minutes, and each knew that they were giving strength to the other once again.

Jesse had spent the morning shopping and he vowed that he would never do it again. Christmas shopping had always been a sore point for him, part of him just loved it, but another part hated it. This year he had really enjoyed buying things for Eliana, and for Rae, but then he had headed for the supermarket to get the food and drinks that they would need and he felt as if his head was going to explode.

He had taken everything home before going back to Jo's and now there were presents hidden all over the house. Jesse smiled, he guessed he had spent a bit more than he had planned, but there were so many things that you could buy for a nine month old baby, or an almost nine month old baby, and he had gotten a little carried away. Jesse found himself whistling a Christmas carol that he had heard at the mall as he locked up the house and headed over to get Rae and Eliana.

Rae pulled back from Steve, they hadn't spoken for a while, and all of a sudden Rae felt herself begin to panic slightly. "Eliana, I need to have her back in the room, Steve, I know it's silly, but I just do."

"Honey, it's not silly at all, let's go find her together shall we?" Steve smiled at his partner, and then before he stood up he leant over her again and kissed her hair. "Thank you, Rae."

"For what?"

"For being fair minded, for listening to me, in the end."

"I need you in my life, and when I stopped being sorry for myself and started to see things as others saw them I knew that I had a lot to be thankful for, and you got my little girl back for me Steve, I will never ever be able to thank you enough for that."

"You don't have to. Every time I see her, I get thanked all over again.  Come on, I'm missing her now, too."

Steve stood up, moved round and carefully pushed her out into the hallway. There was no one around, and even though she knew it was silly Rae's heart began to pound. "Texas, where are you?" There was still no answer, and Rae began to get really worried. "Steve, where is she? I need her back now."

"Honey, she can't have gone far, she will just be playing with her Aunty Jo someplace, we'll find her."

As they moved down towards the living room Rae heard the unmistakable sound of her daughter laughing, and she let out a deep sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God." Steve pushed Rae in through the doors, and then out onto the patio. In the garden Jo and Eliana were seated looking at the birds who were eating the peanuts Jo had put in a bird feeder hanging down from a tree that in spring was covered in pink blossom. Steve looked at the two of them together and smiled, Eliana had her snowsuit and boots on that he had gotten her, and Jo was obviously just enjoying spending time with the little girl. He could see from where he stood that her eyes had life in them again, and he was confident that he would be able to keep her from retreating again, hopefully for a long time.

"Hey, Sweetie, Mummy was a little worried, we have to be ready for Daddy, he will be here soon." Jo came over to where Steve had parked Rae.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you, but I didn't know how long you were going to be an' Eliana was gettin' a little fretful."

Rae smiled as she watched her daughter in her best friend's arms. "I know, and I knew really that she would be fine, but … but it's hard not to be able to see her all the time, now I know she's here again. I'm not explaining this very well, am I?"

"Honey, it's not a situation anyone should have to explain, an' I know just what you mean. Come on let's go an' get ready for Jesse then." Jo pulled down a little on the hat that Eliana had already taken off twice since she had been outside.

"She looks beautiful doesn't she? I can't believe that Jesse managed to buy everything to match like he did. Guess I underestimated him."

Steve looked on in stunned silence. Jesse knew that the outfit had been from him, he didn't know why he was trying to cut him out of his life, but ever since Eliana had been home things had changed. He needed to speak to him because he wanted his friend back. As Steve debated whether or not to mention to Rae about the snowsuit they heard a car horn and Rae's face broke into a smile.

"Ok, I guess that's Daddy being too lazy to come to the door."

Jesse sat in the car and waited for Rae to come out to him. He knew that if he went into the house he would have to face Steve, and he wasn't ready to do that right now. As he saw the front door open Jesse got out and walked round to the trunk and opened it. Then he smiled as Michael pushed the chair out towards him.

Steve watched Jesse undo the reins that held his goddaughter into Rae's chair, take Eliana from Rae and put her in her car seat, then he saw him gently help his wife out of her wheelchair and into the car. Steve walked over to help by folding up Rae's chair but Jesse's body language spoke volumes and he backed off.

Rae sat quietly, and waited for Jesse to help swing her round so she was facing the right way. As she sat she saw Steve move closer to them, and then watched as Jesse effectively blocked his path. Rae could see the hurt and confusion in her partner's eyes, and then he moved away. His shoulders dropped and Rae knew that even though they might have solved their problems he was still hurting, a lot.

"Steve." Rae called. She could tell just by looking at Jesse, that something was wrong, and had no intention of interfering, but the pain that emanated from Steve was too much for her, and she knew she had to speak with him before she left.

"Yes, Rae, what is it?" Steve's voice was soft, and sad.

"Honey, are you alright? What's the matter?"

"I don't know, Rae, I wish I did, because then maybe I could solve it, make it better." Steve stopped talking. He could feel a lump forming in his throat, and he had no intention of letting Jesse see how this enforced silence was affecting him.

Rae had another problem, and she needed to ask him something. "Steve, I have my date to appear in court, Monday 23rd, you will come, won't you? Please."

Steve looked round for a moment, "I don't know that I would be very welcome, Rae."

"I need you to be there, Steve, what if the judge changes her mind, what if she doesn't think that there is enough evidence to drop the case… I just need you there, please."

Steve saw Jesse go round and get into his side of the car, and he knew that Rae would soon be gone. "Honey, there is no way that is gonna happen, but yes, I will be there, ok?" He leant forward and kissed Rae gently on the cheek, keeping his eyes open so that he could look directly at his friend, but Jesse refused to make eye contact with him, and started the engine up without a word. "I'll see you then, and Rae… thank you for bringing Jo back to me."

"I think that you really ought to thank your goddaughter, but I'll take all the praise I can get. Bye, Steve."

Steve stood up and closed Rae's door. He waved his hand in the direction of the disappearing car and, trying not to let his feelings show, headed back to the house.

Rae was quiet for the entire journey home, and then she sat and watched as Jesse carefully took their now sleeping child back into the house. It was coming up to half past two in the afternoon, and Rae realised that she too could do with a nap. She hadn't said anything while she had been talking with Jo and then Steve, but the physical therapy had taken its toll on her, and she was aware of every muscle she had in each leg.

Jesse was only gone for a few moments, just the amount of time it took him to unzip Eliana from her suit and place her in her crib. Then he returned to the car. He hated having to leave Rae while he dealt with his daughter, but if he did it the other way round then Eliana would be left outside unattended and that was unthinkable.  He unfolded the chair and pushed it round to Rae's side of the car. He could see that she was deep in thought, and he gently tapped on the glass before opening the door so that he didn't frighten her.

"Jesse, do you think you could just wheel me straight into the bedroom, I need a nap just as much as Ana does." Since Jesse had said that he didn't mind her calling their daughter by the shortened version of her name she hardly ever called her anything else. Jesse smiled, he still hated it, but now wasn't the time to mention it.

"Ok, I guess you've had a busy day. Want me to wake you up in time for tea?"

"Tea? You'll be popping to the shops, putting the rubbish out, and pushing a pram along the pavement before long." Rae smiled at Jesse, and wanted to pull him closer to her so that she could kiss him like they used to. "That would be nice, but dinner is fine."

Rae waited until Jesse had got her positioned on the bed, her backrest behind her before she spoke again. "Jesse, Eliana is asleep, can you lie with me for a little while, I need to speak with you?"

Jesse looked at her, she seemed relaxed and at peace with herself, maybe she was worried about her court case. He had heard Steve talking about it with her earlier. "Ok, but if you fall asleep I will leave you? I have other things that I have to do." Jesse walked round and sat on the bed next to his wife. He leant against the wall, and realised that he could see straight over Rae's head. He began to squirm and shuffle himself around to get comfortable, not looking at Rae as he did so.

"Jesse! For heavens sake will you sit still, you are driving me nuts!" Rae knew that she shouldn't yell, but her temper was on the rise, and she was having trouble controlling it.

"Ok, I'm comfy. Sorry. Now what did you want to say?"

"Jess, what is up with you and Steve?" Rae carefully turned her head so that she could see Jesse's face, but realised that she would have to move all of herself to see him properly. She tried to push on her hands to shift position, but the flame of pain that shot through her left her gasping for breath.

"Honey, what are you doing? Oh, God, Rae." Jesse could hear the trouble she was having as she gathered herself together, and knowing that she was already in pain but needing to help comfort her he took her into his arms. "It's ok, I have you. Don't worry about Steve and me right now, let me lie you down, and you can sleep, he's my best friend, Rae, we are fine, ok?"

Rae couldn't speak, the pain she had caused wasn't receding, and she knew that complete rest was the only thing that was going to help. The tears sprang to her eyes, they weren't selfish tears, or tears of anger and frustration, but tears of pain and desperation, she wasn't sure just how long she could cope with the agony that almost every move resulted in.

Rae had finally drifted off to sleep and Jesse went out of the bedroom, once he had checked on his daughter he sat in the living room and looked out at the winter afternoon sun on his garden. Everywhere he looked something was happening that he had no control over, he hadn't told Rae yet, but he had to work the weekend, Wil had arranged for there to be cover for him until then, and for the Christmas week. But after that life would have to start getting back to normal or he was going to lose his job. He'd had more time off since he had met Rae than in his whole life, and, he guessed, people were starting to get a little fed up with it. With a sigh he moved across the room and picked up the phone.

Amanda heard the phone ringing in the kitchen and hurried to pick it up. "Doctor Bentley … Oh hi, Jesse… No, that's not a problem, I haven't see her in ages, and it will be nice to have a baby in the house."

Jesse breathed a sigh of relief as he realised that at least one of his problems had a simple solution. "Amanda, I will drop them both off and if you don't mind, maybe I could stay the night too… Amanda?"

"Hold on Jesse. Boys… BOYS! Will you turn that down? Jesse, I am sorry, they didn't have much homework tonight, and the computer is on way too loud."

"That's ok, Amanda, you're sure this is all right with you? I don't know how Rae will feel about me working, it'll be the first time since she got out of the hospital, but I need to get back to the ER. I'll be off when she goes to court, and for Christmas, and then we are gonna have to make some more permanent arrangements."

"Jesse, stop worrying, you know the boys will love to have her and Eliana here, you just try to get your life back into some sort of routine, and we will deal with the rest."

"Amanda, thank you. I'll see you then, bye." Jesse put the phone down and breathed a sigh of relief. At least the arrangements had been made, he would wait to tell Rae, he knew that she was hurting from when he had been sitting with her, and he wanted to let her sleep as long as he could.

By the time Friday evening came Jesse still hadn't told Rae that he was working the weekend or the plans he had made for her. He knew that he had to because she would need to prepare herself for him not being there. Jesse had been watching her with doctor's eyes over the past few days, and he knew just how much she was suffering. Every movement was causing her pain, and he was amazed that she was still keeping a cheerful front, and a smile on her face.

Rae hadn't wanted to travel very far since her time at Jo's so they had spent the last three days quietly together. It was probably the best thing they could have done. All of them were feeling very fragile right now, and although Jesse knew that Jo had been much better since Rae had visited with her, she wasn't up to having visitors for a whole weekend, and Mark was still recuperating. In fact the last time he had called to speak with him, Mark had been in bed, and Jo said that he was running a slight fever. Wil had called to see him, and although they were sure it was just a winter cold, Steve had said no visitors until Christmas Eve Day.

That suited Jesse fine, by then he might have worked out what to say to his best friend to get him back into his life. Whenever he looked at his little girl he could see the hurt in Steve's eyes caused by his insensitivity during her absence. He had been a jerk, but at the time nothing had mattered except keeping Rae alive and getting his daughter back. He still felt that Steve had kept him in the dark for way to long, he hadn't told him any of the things that had been done to get Eliana back. Until he had spoken to him in the hallway Steve had said nothing of all the posters everywhere, or the television newscasts. But if Steve had reacted quicker and got the hospital cordoned off immediately he was sure that woman would never have had the chance to get all the way to Fresno.

Jesse went out into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. Eliana was in bed, Rae was in the bath and he was in a mood. Rae was spending a long time in the bath. Once she was in there, nothing seemed to ache quite so much, and she found that it helped her to relax, so she had taken to having a bath at about eight thirty every night, staying in there for about an hour and then going straight to bed. The hot dog that Alex had gotten her when she had been in the hospital, after being snatched by Levington, had proved to be a godsend. The little lavender pouch inside its tummy could be heated up in the microwave, and the dog itself was so soft that Rae could drape it round her shoulders without any pain, and the heat and the effect of the lavender sent her quickly off to sleep each night.

Jesse on the other hand had spent the last three nights watching the time on the ceiling, feeling as if life was passing him by and there was nothing he could do to grab hold of it and slow it down some. As he sat there he heard Rae call his name and he moved off the chair and down towards the bathroom. She was sitting in the bath, and once again he realised just how thin she had become.

"Are you ready to get out?"

"Oh yeah, I am getting all prune like and wrinkly now, so before I turn into my mother I think I will go to bed."

Jesse smiled. He had been waiting, ever since she had gotten out of the hospital, for her mood to change, and some of the despair and depression he had seen before reach the surface, but it hadn't happened yet. In fact he was the one wrestling with his emotions not Rae, who just seemed so delighted to have her daughter and her life back that everything else even her constant pain was taking second place.

He started to help her out of the bath, it was a procedure they now had down to a fine art. The bathroom was warm, and Jesse would let the water out, wrap hot towels round her, and then the seat that had been fitted to the bath would be raised and Rae could be safely returned to dry land. Jesse had been aware of a smell of oranges when he had entered the room. Rae had been trying all sorts of different essential oils, and although her favourite was still lavender, tonight it had been mandarin, and now she smelt like a fruit salad.

Since her second session of physical therapy Rae had been told that she had to stand up as much as she could bear, and so she tried to step away from the special chair so that Jesse could dry her off more easily.

Once Jesse had got Rae into bed he sat beside her and looked into her eyes. The love and laughter were returning to them, especially after she had her bath, and he found that once again they were deep, dark and beautiful. "Honey, I have to work tomorrow."

"Jesse, no, I can't look after Eliana on my own, what will I do?"

"I have to work Sunday too."

Her eyes were panic stricken now, and Jesse felt instantly so guilty that he just wanted to hug her tight.

"Ah, I have the solution too, but I don't know if you will like it."

"What? What won't I like?"

"Well, I have arranged for you to go stay at a friend of mine's house. She said she would look after Eliana and you for the weekend."

"No, Jesse, I can't go to anybody I don't know. Look at me, I'm a … Who do you know that I don't?" Rae looked into Jesse's eyes, and knew that she was being had.

"Her name is Amanda Bentley, and she is just dying to meet you."

"Oh, ha ha. I would be just rolling round the floor if I was able." Rae smiled then, and stuck her tongue out. "But I'll admit, you got me." Rae began to think and she slowly leant a little closer to Jesse. "You know I can't remember the last time I got to spend time with Amanda, just to talk and enjoy her company, thank you Jesse, it will be nice to go see her."

Jesse leant forward then and began to kiss her and Rae moved slightly so that she was positioned a little more comfortably. "Oh, God, Jesse, I want you so much, I wish I hadn't pushed you away before."

"Rae, I want you too, but I don't want to hurt you, I think we have to wait, just a while longer."

"Touch me Jess, let me feel your hands on my body, I never understood how someone could ache for a touch, but right now I do. Ahhh." Rae stopped talking as she felt Jesse's hands move underneath her nightclothes and begin to caress her. He moved so that he was next to her on the bed, and then he gently ran his fingers lightly across her breasts and down her body. For a few moments she felt so wonderfully relaxed and complete, but then the frustration and futility of it overtook her. "Stop it, Jesse, I'm sorry, just stop it."

"Rae?"

"I shouldn't have asked you to do that, I'm sorry." Rae had been feeling bright and positive since she had come home, so much so that she had been able to make the pain almost a separate part of her, and she'd been determined not to let it drag her spirit down. But now her inability to enjoy what Jesse was doing, and to respond made her suddenly realise just how limited her life had become. Suddenly she just needed to be completely alone.  "I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight, Jesse."

"No, Rae, please. Honey, don't shut me out again. Rae, I love you, if all I get to do is kiss your hand for the rest of our married life, then I will accept that. I thought I had lost you and Eliana, and now both of you are here again I will take family life in any shape or form so that we can stay together."

"But Jesse, I wanted you to make love to me, and I could feel that you did too, and I couldn't do it. You could touch me, and caress me and do all the wonderful things that just make me feel so fantastic, and I can do nothing in return, I can't even lean over now and take your hand, or kiss you or do to you what I know you like me to do."

"But you will, one day you will be able to do all those things, and when you can, I will still be here waiting, a little frustrated maybe, but waiting all the same."

Rae smiled. "Thank you, Sweetheart. I changed my mind, I think you should sleep here, and if we are careful, I could cuddle up, couldn't I?"

"Well, I guess, if you are really nice to me."

Jesse tried to talk to her when he was in front of her face so that she could look at him, and now she knew that he was once again joking with her. She smiled at him and kissed him tenderly on the lips. Then she watched as he made himself comfortable on the bed, moved her backrest and then with his arm around the middle of her back gently pulled her towards him. "I love you Jess, you do know that, don't you?"

"Oh yeah, I know that." Jesse smiled to himself. He was very unsure of a lot of things these days, but not that, never that.