Night Terrors
Jesse pulled up outside Amanda's house just after nine and saw CJ and Dion looking out of the window in what he knew was the living room. As he shut his car door the front door opened and Ron and Amanda came out with the two boys running in front of them. Jesse could see that there were Christmas lights decorating the outside of the house, and a Santa in each of the bedroom windows upstairs.
"Uncle Jesse, Uncle Jesse, come and play on the computer with us, I have a new game, it's an Action Fist one!" Dion was almost bouncing up and down as he spoke.
"I have to go to work, but I will be here tonight, we can play a game then, ok?" Jesse smiled at the young boy in front of him; he loved him very much, and was looking forward to spending some time with him.
Jesse opened the trunk of his car and took the wheelchair out. He began to open it up until he saw Ron move over towards him. "I can carry Rae in, if she won't mind, then she can sit on the sofa."
"Ok, she doesn't have to sit in this, as long as the sofa isn't as saggy as the one in the doctor's lounge, which puts most people into traction after ten minutes or so."
Ron opened Rae's door and crouched down. "Hey, can I take you in?"
Rae smiled at him. She was feeling very nervous, and she realised that a large part of her confidence since she had been discharged from the hospital had been due to the fact that she was at home, where she felt safe. "Ok, thank you." Rae felt herself tense up, and she concentrated on making her body relax a little. Ron's right arm slid underneath her legs, and then she felt his left arm as it was pushed gently behind her before he clasped a hand carefully round her upper arm. Taking a deep breath she waited for him to lift her up. She felt the air rush past her as Ron took a step backwards and then straightened up. "Whoah, oh, that was a bit fast." Rae leant into Ron's shoulder for a moment as she tried to get her bearings.
"Rae, are you ok? Do you want me to put you down?" Ron looked at the top of Rae's head, and then over at Jesse who was hovering in a concerned manner, his daughter's carry seat in his hands.
"No, just take me inside, I'll be fine. I trust you." Rae sounded a little muffled, but she seemed a bit steadier.
Ron went straight to the living room and as gently as he could he placed Rae on the sofa. She leant back into the cushions and closed her eyes. She had lost all her colour when Ron had stood up, but now it was returning, and gradually she opened her eyes, and a laugh escaped her lips as she saw three worried adults, two concerned children, and her completely oblivious daughter in front of her. "I'm fine now guys, honestly. It was just a little bit high, a little bit fast. I'm used to Jesse picking me up, and Ron you are a lot taller than he is. I don't think there are many people I would let carry me like that, but I knew I would be safe with you."
Ron smiled; accepting the compliment Rae had just paid him. "Thank you, Rae."
Jesse placed Eliana's car seat on the carpet and moved across and knelt down in front of Rae. "Honey, I have to go to work, or Wil will be sending out a search party. I'll see you this evening, and if you need me for anything you just call me ok? I'll come back here."
"Jess I will be fine, I have a pathologist and an FBI agent to look after me, not to mention two Action Fist experts, what more could a girl want?" Rae smiled at him and waited for him to kiss her. Slowly his lips met hers, and for a moment or two they were aware of nothing else.
"Ewww, Uncle Jesse, that is so gross."
"Dion!" Amanda was horrified at her son, but then she saw Jesse turn shamefaced, and Rae laughing.
"My daughter would say the same thing, but trust me Dion, when you are older, this is quite nice."
The young man looked at her as if she was completely crazy, and then Jesse squeezed Dion's shoulder, and moved over towards Amanda and Ron.
"Thank you, both of you. I know you don't get much time together, and to let Rae be here too, well, I really appreciate it."
"Jesse, go to work, it is fine, she is fine, everything will be fine, now just go." Amanda was gently pushing him towards the front door, as she spoke. As he went to go through it, he turned slightly.
"Rae…"
"Go to work, Jesse." Rae's voice floated out, and with a sigh Jesse headed back to his very empty car and headed towards Community General.
When he arrived Jesse found a message for him in his pigeonhole asking him to meet with Doctor Collins at eleven. He went to the doctor's lounge and picked up the phone.
Amanda had just finished changing Eliana's diaper, after unsuccessfully trying to persuade Ron to do it, when the phone rang. She heard him answer it. "Bentley residence… Oh hi, Jesse, yeah, hold on." Ron moved into the living room, the cordless phone in his hand. "Rae, it's Jesse." Ron gave the phone to Rae and moved away. With a gasp of pain she slowly moved the receiver towards her ear, and Ron hearing her turned back towards her. He realised what she needed and a little embarrassed, held the phone to her ear.
"Jesse, you haven't been gone half an hour. I am still all right." Rae was smiling, and Ron could tell that she was pleased that her husband had called her. As Rae went to speak again she heard the intercom call Jesse to the ER. "Honey, I guess you are needed. I'll see you later, ok?"
Jesse shrugged himself into his white coat and walked down the hallway towards the ER. The last time he had been here Eliana had been snatched, and he could almost hear her crying as she had squirmed in Sally's arms in front of that woman. That woman. Jesse stopped walking for a moment. She had been there in front of him, she had killed three people, attacked Jo and Mark and she had been standing there, at arms length from him, and he hadn't even realised it. For a second or two he had to try and clear his mind so that he could get himself back to where he was supposed to be right now.
As he turned the corner and saw the trauma suites, Shannon came out of one of the doors, and he was surprised to see her in uniform.
"Oh, hi Doctor Travis, how are you today?" She smiled at him, and seemed quite relaxed, and Jesse realised with a guilty pang that he hadn't even called to find out how Alex was since Rae had been discharged.
"Not too bad. I guess Alex must be on the mend if you are back to work."
"He is, and I need to eat, so I figured I had better get back to what I do best. He is out of bed most of the day now, and Wil, ah, Doctor Collins said that he is hopeful that he will be able to spend Christmas Day with Steve and Jo."
Jesse smiled and realised that Christmas Day was only four days away. He would have to get a few hours to himself if he was to get the tree decorated and the presents wrapped without Rae realising what was happening. The doors to the ER opened then and Santa was pushed in on a gurney. Jesse moved over to it and listened as the paramedic began to tell him how the man lying in front of him, with an extremely swollen foot had been happily handing out presents in front of a mall a half-mile away when one of his reindeer had moved the sleigh and run his foot over. Jesse shook his head and guided his seasonal friend into the first vacant trauma suite, and was pleased to see Shannon follow him in.
By the time Santa had been spirited away to x-ray it was ten past eleven and Jesse hurried to the doctor's lounge where he was delighted to see not only Wil but Alex too.
"Alex, I am so sorry I haven't been in touch, but, well, I just had other things on my mind. I haven't spoken to anyone except Rae, Mark and Jo."
"That's ok. How is she, Jess?" Alex looked at the doctor in front of him and he could see that he still had worries and concerns. They were showing in his eyes.
"She is doing surprisingly well. Her physical therapy on her knee is going well, and hopefully a week or two more and we can get rid of the wheelchair all together when we are in the house. I knew that it would be aggressive therapy, but she has been for about four sessions so far and she is way ahead of where I thought she would be." Jesse shook his head. The physical therapist had sent Rae home with a list of exercises to do that had involved a lot of pouting, and he knew that their electric and water bills were going to be real high because of the amount of baths she was taking.
"What about her shoulders and neck?" Alex was more concerned about them. He knew that her knee would right itself with work, but there was no guarantee of that happening with her other injury.
"She's started her therapy on that too, earlier than planned I might add, because the work on her knee is going so well. She has to move her right arm as much as she can bear, and she will do the same with her head soon. The lady said that she didn't think that the injury would get any worse and Rae should be guided by the amount of pain that she has, but if she doesn't use her arm then the muscles will wither."
"What about the neck support?"
"Still there, and I know it troubles her. I see her when she doesn't think I'm looking and I can see panic in her eyes. But she is keeping it under control, and so I haven't mentioned it."
"And her left arm?" Alex was most concerned by the paralysis, from shoulder to wrist.
"She still can't move it at all. She can move her fingers, but apart from that nothing, and I have to say that way down there at the end of her arm, that doesn't really help her."
Alex smiled. "It's funny you should say that." He looked across at Wil and the other doctor smiled as well.
"What?"
"We have been looking into the treatment of brachial plexus injuries, and, well, there is no hard and fast way to deal with them. Rae is lucky to be getting physical therapy so soon, a lot of patients are just left to suffer the pain and get on with life. I think I told you that Alex had some ideas as to how to help Rae, and this is what he came up with." Wil held up a peachy coloured, brace type contraption and Jesse just stared at it.
"Ok, this is my idea." Alex felt himself blushing as he began to explain. "Before I was injured I was trying to work out how Rae would cope with having an arm that didn't work. I tried all sorts of things. Getting dressed, making the bed… you are gonna have to do that, it's impossible… making breakfast, that sort of thing, and I found that if I had my left arm bent up I would use the hand much better than if it was swinging in the breeze. So I designed this. If you put your left arm out Jess, I'll show you what it does."
Jesse stood up and moved closer to Alex's wheelchair. He took his white coat off and watched as carefully Alex positioned his arm in the brace and then did it up with the Velcro straps. Jesse now had his arm in the same position as if it was in a sling, but because there was a metal strip about two inches wide running all the way along the elasticated material, which was bent at the elbow, it took no effort on his part to keep his arm bent. "Wow, this is great, it will make things so much easier for her. She might even be able to feed herself. Alex, thank you, for this, and for caring enough to get it made for her."
Alex smiled, "There is a strap which will go round Rae's body and through the brace to stop her arm moving away from her, but we didn't think you needed to put that on. I wanted to show her myself, but I guess that isn't possible, so if you could take it home with you, I know you will be able to explain it all to her."
"I think that you really ought to be getting back to your room, Alex. This is the most you have done since your accident." Wil stood up and moved across to where the young doctor was sitting.
"Yeah, I could quite easily fall asleep right now, so I won't argue. Jesse, give Rae my love, and Eliana too. She's all right now isn't she? Only I haven't seen her, and, well, I know she was ill."
"Alex, she's fine, as soon as you are feeling better, she can come see you."
"Tomorrow would be nice." Alex smiled hopefully.
"Ok, I'll check with your doctor." Jesse smiled at Wil, and then watched as the young man was wheeled out of the room. Jesse headed back down towards the ER, and realised that he was enjoying his day.
Rae smiled at CJ and Dion as they finished their lunch. Amanda had called Jo once she knew that Rae was coming and the grapefruit halves and kebab skewers were once again in evidence. Rae had eaten sausages and chicken nuggets, followed by a fruit salad without the cream and was feeling quite satisfied with herself as she looked at the almost empty grapefruit. First of all the slight bending movement she had to do to get each mouthful had hurt, but she had been pleased to realise that the more she moved in the same way, the easier it got. It still hurt, but she was sure that it wasn't quite as painful as it had been.
"Aunty Rae, you didn't do the same thing as Uncle Steve, did you?" CJ looked across at Rae as she took the last piece of strawberry into her mouth.
Rae chewed and swallowed and then she looked at the little boy. "Didn't do what the same as Uncle Steve, Sweetie?"
"Your hands. You don't use your arms or your hands. But you don't have casts like Uncle Steve? You don't have things we could paint like we did for Uncle Steve."
"No, look I can move my left hand. Rae had her arm resting on the table, and she flexed her fingers. I can move my right arm and hand, but it hurts, a lot, to do so. Uncle Steve had broken bones in his hands, I haven't broken anything, just hurt them badly."
"Oh. So that is why Mommy made you that strange lunch." CJ looked over at his mother and then leant in towards Rae. "I had a piece of sausage, it was fun eating off the sticks."
"I wondered why I had an empty one. It is fun I enjoyed it. I don't like to have someone feed me." Rae grinned and flexed the fingers on her left hand. She was enjoying the company, but she had worked hard at her physical therapy session the day before, and most of her body ached.
"Rae, Honey, would you like to go and lie down for a little while? We can look after Eliana, and we will wake you up in about an hour or so."
"Thank you, Amanda, that would be nice." Rae slowly stood up. She hadn't done any exercise all day and so she thought that she would walk to the bedroom. Instantly Dion was at her side and he quietly took hold of her arm.
"I'll help you, Aunty Rae. I can walk real slow." Rae began her unhurried journey to the bedroom, Dion shadowing her every step, and somehow the presence of the kind and gentle child by her side made her feel a whole lot better.
Rae slept for just over an hour and a half and then she had woken up and lain in the bed listening to the sounds of the household. She could hear CJ and Dion trying to be quiet in their room, and not really succeeding, then she heard Amanda and Ron giggling about something, and she smiled. She was very fond of Amanda and she could always tell when Ron was in town because her friend seemed to glow. As she lay there she also heard her little girl, chuntering away to herself, mamama- and dadada-ing in her happy chatty way.
Rae wasn't sure how long she had been lying there awake before there was a soft knock on the bedroom door. She couldn't get out of bed on her own, and she had known that she would need to lie there until someone came and helped her up.
"Come in." Rae felt the collar around her neck as she spoke, and, as she had to do most of the time, she forced the terror she felt back down inside her.
"Rae, are you awake?" Amanda put her head round the door, and saw her friend looking at her. "Ok, stupid question, can I come in?"
"Of course." Rae lay there and looked at her friend. "Thank you, Amanda, for letting me come here… How am I going to cope when Jesse has to go back to work? I know that Eliana can go to Sally, but if I am home I don't want her to have to do that." Rae shut her eyes. She hadn't shown any of her feelings to her friends, and she didn't think she ought to start now.
"Rae, open your eyes and look at me." Amanda placed her hand over Rae's and waited. Slowly Rae did as she was asked, and Amanda could see that there were a lot of feelings hidden there. "You will cope, gradually, with the level of disability you have. Look at you now. You have a serious knee injury that you are working hard to reverse. Your right arm hurts every time you move any muscle in it, and your left arm doesn't move at all. As for your neck…" Amanda saw Rae swallow hard and shut her eyes again. "As for your neck, well, I can't even begin to understand how you can stand that brace round it, but you are coping." Amanda stopped talking for a moment as she watched the reactions of her friend. "Rae, things are gonna get better not worse, so you will survive just fine."
"You really think so?"
"Honey, I know so. Reagan Yeager is no quitter. How about this time next year I remind you of our conversation, and then you can chase me round the house, and the first person to reach my tree gets the box of chocolates which is always under it?"
"Lady, you have yourself a deal." Rae smiled and very carefully moved her right hand so that she was holding Amanda's, then she moved both hands over and underneath her left hand. Once Amanda's hand was sandwiched between her two she gently squeezed. "Thank you."
"Any time my friend, any time. Now it is almost four o'clock, and Jesse finishes at five so I guess you should freshen up, and then I can help you back down to the living room. I would imagine that going down stairs is way harder than coming up them."
"I have no idea, I live in a bungalow, remember."
"Well, you had a great guide on the way up, I'm glad you didn't trip though, that might have worried him. There is a bathroom through that door, I'll be across the hall when you are done." Amanda smiled at her friend and then went to stand up.
"I can't actually freshen up on my own. I'm sorry."
"No, it's my fault I should have realised. You want me to help you?"
"Yes please." The two friends headed towards the bathroom once Amanda had helped Rae to her feet, and she once again she realised just how limited her life had become.
Jesse finished his shift and headed towards Amanda's house. The traffic was horrendous, and as he sat in the same stationary queue that he had been in for the last half hour he tried to figure out how he was going to get the house decorated with all the Christmas items he had bought without Rae noticing.
Finally he drew up outside Amanda's house and was delighted to see CJ and Dion come running out to meet him.
Jesse waited until after everybody had eaten their dinner before he went and got Alex's brace out of his bag. "Rae, Honey, Alex gave me this, he thought it might help you to use your left arm."
"Jesse, my left arm is paralysed, how can anything help me with that?" Rae's tone was short and sharp and Jesse looked over at her.
"Rae, are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, I'm just feeling a little out of sorts." Rae wouldn't make eye contact with Jesse, and he resolved to stay close to her for the rest of the evening.
"It's ok. This is for your left arm, so that you can use your hand. If you put your arm out in front of you a little way I can put it on." Jesse wasn't thinking as he spoke, and he wasn't looking at Rae.
"Jesse, my arm is paralysed. If you don't lift it up it will stay where it is." Rae shut her eyes for a moment, she was feeling very unsure of herself, and just wanted to go home.
"Sorry, let me do it for you. It's designed to go under your clothes, but just for now I'll put it over the top. There is also a belt like part which stops your arm from moving away from your body." Jesse gently took hold of Rae's left hand and moved her lower arm up so that she was ready for the brace. Rae smiled at him, as she felt his tender touch she felt a little better again.
"Thank you, Jess." Rae watched as the brace was fitted round her arm and then when Jesse let go it stayed where it was. Her arm was across her chest, and she could see that with it in its new position it would make things a little easier for her.
"When you see Alex tomorrow, would you thank him for me? Amanda, Ron, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to get Jesse to run me home, I will come back in the morning, but I just want to sleep in my own bed."
"Rae, I have to start early in the morning, I will be leaving here before anybody else is up, it would be much easier if we stay." Jesse looked at his wife, and he could see that something had changed with her. She had been confident and positive, but now, well now he wasn't so sure.
"Can I just go to bed here, now then?" Rae watched as Amanda nodded, and once again as she stood up she felt Dion at her elbow. This time though, because her arm was bent he placed his hand underneath it and began to gently guide her towards the stairs. They walked slowly up together, and Rae was able to get to the top a little quicker than she had the last time. Once they had arrived at the room Rae and Jesse would share Rae sat on the bed, and then with her left hand she took hold of Dion's arm. "Sweetie, thank you, I really appreciate your help, I know you think it's yucky, but can I give you a goodnight kiss?"
Dion pulled a face, but he leant forward and Rae was pleased to see that once she had kissed him he didn't wipe it off immediately. The little boy left the room and Rae let out a long sigh as she began to slowly undo the buttons on her shirt trying to ignore the pain she felt at lifting her right arm so high. Since she had started the physical therapy on her arm she had tried to undress herself if at all possible and she had found that the silky blue shirt she was wearing slid off her shoulders once she had undone the buttons. This time though, the brace was in the way, and once Rae had undone the buttons she was effectively stuck with no real way to release the support. Slowly Rae stood up. The pain that went through her knees as she put her weight on them almost made her stay where she was, but she persevered and gradually moved over towards the door. To her delight her left hand was now in the right position for her to pull carefully on the handle and once there was a small gap she began to call out.
"Jesse, Jesse, can you come here a minute?" Rae waited, and she heard him come running up the stairs.
Jesse had stayed downstairs, even though he had intended to take Rae up himself, because he hadn't wanted to hurt Dion's feelings. But as soon as he heard his name being called he was on his feet and taking the stairs two at a time.
Rae moved back from the door and then smiled at her husband. "Can you do this for me, I can't get the brace off?" Slowly Jesse helped her to get ready for bed, and then he moved back the covers and gently eased her in.
"Rae, something is wrong, can you tell me what it is?" Jesse was sitting on the side of the bed now, careful not to pull the bedclothes down over her still tender ribs. He began to stroke her hair, and waited for her to reply to him.
"Not right now, I just want to sleep, Jesse, do you think that I could have the neck brace taken off, just while I am asleep?"
"Honey, you know you can't. Not until your therapist says so. And last time you asked her, Michelle said not yet, didn't she?"
"Yeah, I know." Rae's voice was getting sleepy and Jesse knew that she would be oblivious to the brace within a few minutes. He sat watching her until he was sure that she was fast asleep and then checking that she was covered up and not going to get cold he went back down to spend an Action Fist evening with CJ and Dion.
When Rae suddenly woke up it was pitch dark in the room, and she could feel Jesse asleep next to her. She tried to catch her breath, but the only sensation she was aware of was an almost overwhelming panic. Rae felt the tears that were waiting to fall, and she tried to push them back. So far since she had been home from the hospital she had been able to cope with everything that her injuries had entailed, she knew that the euphoria that she had felt plus the safety that living in her gated community gave her had been part of it; but having Jesse home all the time had definitely helped. But now the pain was so total that she couldn't shut her mind to it, she could feel the brace around her neck, and it made her dizzy and short of breath. On top of that was the realisation that she would be going to court on the Monday, and whatever anybody said she still wasn't convinced that she would be coming home again.
"Oh, God, help me, I can't cope with all of this, not all at once." Rae hadn't even realised that she was talking aloud, but she heard Jesse moan next to her and turn over.
"Rae, what is it?" Jesse was awake instantly. He had heard panic and fear in his wife's voice and he knew that she needed him.
"Jesse, if you don't take this brace off I think I'm gonna go crazy. I just can't bear to have it there any more. Take it off, just …Take It… Off!" Rae was having trouble catching her breath, and Jesse turned the bedside light on and looked over at his wife. She was breathing very heavily, and he could see that she was very close to losing control completely.
"Rae, look at me, listen and look at me." Jesse could see that he was making no impression on his wife's panic, he couldn't take her by the shoulders and turn her towards him, because that would just cause her pain, so he knelt up on the bed next to her so that he could look her in the eyes. "Rae, breathe slowly, in and out, and I will take it off, but only for a moment, I have to put it back on."
"No, Jesse, I can't stand it any longer, take it off me, I have tried, really tried but I can't have it not any more." The tears began to fall now, and Rae took in gulps of air. As she did so her ribs complained, and she just wanted the whole world to go away. "Jesse, help me, help me please." She wasn't taking in enough oxygen to keep her conscious, and as Jesse watched, his wife moved away from him, her eyelids fluttered for a second, and then she was gone, into the part of her where the panic couldn't reach her, but where he could no longer reach her either.
Jesse sat there, waiting for Rae to come round. He knew that once she had lost consciousness her breathing would regulate itself, and after about a minute or two she began to stir and he took hold of her hand and waited for her to realise what had happened. He watched as the panic returned to her eyes, but he wasn't about to let her go for a second time, and so he gently placed a hand on either side of her face, and positioned himself so that she had no choice but to make eye contact with him.
"Rae, listen, don't say anything, think anything, do anything, just listen. I know you're scared. I don't know what suddenly made you give in to it tonight when it has been there all along, but we need to talk about it, now probably."
"Jesse, take this neck thing off me, I can't even think with it there, take it off, take it off, take it off."
Jesse could see that she was losing control again, and he pressed his hands a little more firmly against her face. "Rae, stop it. Just listen… LISTEN!" Jesse shouted, because he could see no change in Rae's expression. "I can't take the brace off… Rae listen, I know you're scared, Honey, I've been scared for you since you came home, because I knew this was going to happen, but you need it on."
"Jesse, I have so many emotions inside me, and I just need to get them out, but I can't, because the fear that this thing generates is the strongest emotion of all, and I know I am going to go mad if I can't spend a little time without it. Jesse please."
Jesse moved his hands from Rae's face, and slowly he undid the Velcro strap that was keeping the collar in place, then holding one hand underneath Rae's neck he slid a pillow beneath it. He felt Rae's whole body relax as the pressure was released from her throat. "Oh, Jesse, thank you. Thank you so much."
"Rae, what is the matter? You have been so strong, and now, all of a sudden you are falling to pieces." Jesse could see that now the cause of Rae's fear had been removed the other emotions that had been just underneath the surface were about to be released.
"I was home, you were home, I wasn't strong Jesse, I was just where I wanted to be, with the most important people in my life. It didn't matter that I couldn't do anything, or that I may never be able to do anything, because we were together, and we were safe. But look at me, I won't ever be able to work with Steve again…" Rae shut her eyes but the tears began to escape and run down her cheeks. "I can't walk properly, I can't move my arms, or turn my head, Jesse, every part of me has something wrong with it, and it is all my own fault."
"Rae, no, it isn't. None of what happened is your fault."
"Yes it is. Jesse, I went after Leticia Howard on my own. I knew that I shouldn't, but that little girl's diary and the way she looked just affected me so much, and I didn't think, I just headed back to that school, it seemed to be the logical thing to do. God, what a fool I was."
Jesse thought back to when they had first met. Rae had been working on a case where two young children had been killed, strangled, and it had been she who had worked out that their teacher was the person responsible. The little girl who had been killed had looked so like Rae's own daughter Mara that it had clouded her judgement for the whole case, and instead of telling Steve her suspicions she had confronted Leticia Howard on her own. The teacher had realised that her only obstacle to freedom was the British detective standing in front of her, and she had taken her silk scarf and strangled Rae with it.
Jesse shuddered as he remembered rushing into the school only to find that Rae was lying unconscious and not breathing on the floor of the science lab. He'd had to perform a tracheotomy and that combined with the memory of her strangulation had been the beginning of Rae's throat problems.
"Rae, you can't say that all this is your fault." Jesse knew that his voice didn't sound convincing.
"Can't I? She strangled me, Levington touched me on the neck and I shot him. He recovered, found out about my fears and used them against me. Then Louise Willis was fooled by him, she killed three people, attacked Texas and Mark … she almost killed Alex and she took our baby." Rae stopped talking for a moment and then with a sigh began again. "If I had waited for Steve, Howard wouldn't have strangled me, and nothing that followed would have happened." Rae shut her eyes again, and Jesse realised that as far as his wife was concerned the conversation was over, but he couldn't leave it there, she needed to know that she had it all wrong.
"Rae, Honey, please open your eyes and look at me." Jesse waited, and finally, slowly, Rae did as she was asked. "Do you use instinct in your job?"
"What?" Rae looked at him; she was confused by his question.
"Do you use instinct in your job? I do, sometimes I just know that there is more to a patient's condition than the presenting symptoms show. But do you, do you use instinct in your job?"
Jesse had asked her three times now, and finally she began to understand. "Yeah, you have to. Sometimes you just know that you have stopped someone who really has something to hide, and isn't just one of the many who can't make eye contact with a cop, just because they are a cop. Things like that."
"Ok, and when you went and confronted Leticia Howard, you were acting on instinct, you just had to go and face her because of what she had done. What if you hadn't done that? What if you had waited until there was some proof, concrete evidence? She may have slipped away again, and be killing right now in another town in this state, or somewhere so far from here that no one would have any idea what she's capable of."
"But I should have called for back up … or realised how stupid I was being. I had only been working a fortnight, I made a mistake."
"No, you weren't mistaken, you were trying to right a terrible wrong. You were fighting for two children who couldn't fight for themselves anymore. Honey, I won't lie to you, I wish you hadn't done it, because I think your life would be way easier if she hadn't laid a finger on you, but I am just so proud of you, that you went in and tried to deal with the situation, that you cared so deeply, and wanted justice so badly that you ignored the danger to yourself and acted on behalf of Hana and Terry."
"Thank you." Rae smiled a small smile but it reached her eyes, and Jesse knew that, for tonight at least, the discussion was over and she would rest again, but he had a feeling that somewhere down the line they would have to deal with this in far greater detail.