Fears to Face

Jesse had called Wil and asked if he could survive without him on Sunday, and then he had planned to take Rae and Eliana home after breakfast. Amanda had been concerned and, while Rae was carefully eating her breakfast by herself, she had cornered Jesse in the living room, where he was putting CJ, Dion, Ron's and her presents under the tree.

"Jesse, what is going on?" Amanda had checked on Eliana and the little girl was sitting in the middle of a pile of baby toys that the boys had found in a bag at the back of CJ's closet. She was happy and contented, and Amanda had a feeling that when she was taken away from all her goodies she would be very unhappy.

"What do you mean, what's going on? We are going home, that's all." Jesse didn't think that he wanted to talk things over with his friend, however much he loved and trusted her, he wasn't sure he understood his feelings himself yet.

"Jesse, I heard Rae last night, when she woke up. She was upset, in fact she sounded panic stricken at times, if there is anything I can do to help you know I want to."

"She's scared Amanda, scared of what her life is gonna be like with the disabilities she has right now. I don't think she can see beyond them, which is understandable, most people can't. But it's more than that, and some of the things that she said last night, well, I don't know whether I can talk about them yet." Jesse sighed. What he really wanted to do was go and see Steve and let him know what Rae had said, but he knew that right now that wasn't an option.

"Jesse, did you think that she has to go to court tomorrow? That maybe she is a little freaked out by that?" Amanda put her hand on his arm, and knew by his expression that he hadn't thought about it at all.

"No, why would she? They are gonna drop the charges. It's only because Gilbert and Rose Marie … whatever her name is … Moreau, I think, and the judge came to an arrangement that Rae is getting her day in court at all. She will walk free, there is no possibility of that not happening."

"Maybe, Jesse, but until I hear her say those words, Case Dismissed, I won't believe it, ok?" Neither of them had heard Rae as she had moved slowly into the room, and Jesse immediately went over to help her.

"Honey, let me…"

"I can do it, Jesse, just leave me alone." Rae had her neck collar back on, and her arm brace underneath her shirt, and her knee was also supported. She felt like one of the extras from a medical series that could be seen in the background bandaged up and walking just like she did. "Jesse, I'm sorry, I am just a little mixed up right now. Amanda, you have been so kind, but I just want to go home. Once I get tomorrow out of the way, can I come back and see you all then?"

"Oh, Honey, of course you can. All you have to do is pick up the phone and we will come get you."

"Well, with my new brace, I might just be able to do that." Rae smiled. The fact that she was going home made her feel more positive again. She began to turn to get her daughter when she heard Dion call out.

"Oh, Eliana, ewwww, baby spit!" He was holding up the controller to his Playstation and Rae could see that her little girl had given it the sucking treatment. It was shiny and dripping.

Amanda moved over, a laugh escaping her as she did so. She picked up a Kleenex, put the controller inside it and began drying it off. "Dion, I guess it just serves you right for leaving it where she could get it."

"But I didn't leave it where she could get it. She was with the baby toys, then the next thing I knew she was with me. I didn't know she could crawl."

"She can't." Jesse's face broke into a smile. "At least she couldn't." Jesse crouched down in front of his daughter and he began to talk. "Eliana, Honey, come to Daddy." His little girl let out a squeal of delight as she saw him down on her level, and she went from her sitting position into a crawl and suddenly she was on the move, heading for where Jesse was sitting, his grin almost as large as hers.

Rae and Jesse's departure was delayed after that, as first CJ, then Jesse, then Dion and then Jesse again had her crawl towards them. By the time the Travis's were finally ready to leave Eliana was so tired she fell asleep in her daddy's arms before they reached the car. Ron offered to carry Rae to the car, but to her relief the extra walking she had done while she had been staying with Amanda seemed to be easing her knee a little and so she declined.

"I have my daughter to keep up with now, I need all the practice I can get." Rae kissed the tall man on his cheek as he bent down towards her, and then felt his arms go round her in a hug.

"I'll be there tomorrow for you, and I heard what you said, Rae, you will go home Monday afternoon, there really is no doubt about it."

"Thank you, Ron, I just hope you're right."

"You're not gonna be convinced until it's all over, are you?"

"No, I guess not, but I appreciate what you're saying." Rae realised that she could touch his hand with her own now that her arm was in its brace, and she squeezed it gently. Rae turned then and began her slow and still painful journey to the car.

Jesse realised that it was lunchtime as they drove home and so he pulled into the parking lot outside Barbeque Bob's and carefully helped Rae from the car. The brace she had on her knee made walking a little less painful, but it was slow, and so she began to walk towards the door before Jesse, knowing he would catch her up. Her right knee was still bruised and painful, but she could bend it and walking wasn't really a problem as far as it was concerned. The brace meant that she couldn't bend her left leg, but it did mean that she could move under her own steam for short journeys and she was determined to do that as often as she could. Jesse watched as Rae made her way stiff legged across the short distance from the car to Bob's and then he picked up Eliana's car seat and they too made their way to the restaurant.

As Rae moved towards the doorway for a moment the image of Mark lying in a pool of blood flashed through her mind, and she had to stop walking. Her heart was beating loudly and she couldn't catch her breath. Jesse came up beside her and touched her on the shoulder. Rae jumped out of her skin.

"Oh, don't do that!"

"Rae, Honey, are you all right?"

"Jess, I'm sorry, it's just that … I haven't been back here since Mark … well, you know."

"Rae, I didn't think, we can go someplace else for our lunch." Jesse was immediately concerned.

"No, no, I have to do this, otherwise it will become another obstacle to overcome, and I have way too many of them already. I didn't do it, I called the emergency services, I should have checked him over, but I just couldn't, I have to get over it." Rae shut her eyes for a moment and the vision of Mark cleared, then she carefully opened the door with her left hand and walked in.

Steve was serving a table in the corner as they entered, and didn't see them. Jo, who was sitting at the counter, an iced tea in front of her, had been persuaded by Steve to come out for a little while. He was only working a half shift himself because Mark was still in bed with his slight fever, but Michael was happy to stay with him. They were short staffed, but most of the other employees had been available to cover Jesse and Steve's shifts so that they could stay with their injured partners.

Rae's face broke into a huge grin as she saw Texas sitting just in front of her, and while Jesse moved over towards the back of the restaurant she made her way towards her friend.

"Rae, Honey, what are you doing here? I thought you were stayin' with Amanda this weekend. That's where you told me you were when we spoke on Saturday."

"I just wanted to go home. Jesse got today off, and somehow home was the place I needed to be."

"I can understand that. When I had … ah, my little problem before, all I wanted to do was head for Texas. You feel safe an' loved there, so that is where you need to be when you are vulnerable. Rae, I need to talk to you, do you have a minute?"

"Of course, but I really need to sit down." Rae could feel the pain in her knee getting worse, and she knew that if she didn't rest it soon all her good work would begin to be undone.

"Let's go sit at this table here. If we have a sudden rush of customers we can move out of the way."

Rae was surprised that Texas didn't want to sit with Jesse and her goddaughter but she said nothing. As she gently lowered herself into the seat Jo began to talk to her. "Rae, what is going on with Steve an' Jesse? They have hardly said two words to each other since Eliana was found safe an' sound. I know that Steve is puzzled an' hurt by it, but you know how stubborn he can be, there is no way he is gonna be the first to mention it, an' Jesse, well look at him Rae, he could go an' tell Steve he's here, but he won't."

"Texas, I have no idea. I tried to ask him the other night, but I didn't find anything out. Has he thanked Steve for getting her back? I know they were together from when Jesse arrived in Fresno until they got back to LA, but he hasn't talked to me about it, not any of it. And well, I have so many things in my mind right now, I'm afraid I didn't push him."

"I don't know what happened, but I know that Steve is hurtin' an' well there is somethin' else. Rae, I don't want to make you mad at Jesse, or come between husband an' wife…"

"But, Texas, there is a but, what is it?"

"The snowsuit, the hat, mittens and boots, the ones she had on when she came in just now."

"They're beautiful aren't they? Jesse had her in them when she came to take me home from the hospital. I told him how much I liked them, I didn't think they were quite his style, but then, I guess he has never been a daddy before …" Rae stopped talking as she realised just whose style they were, and she knew what Texas wanted to say. "No, oh no, Texas no, he didn't?"

"Honey, Steve bought the whole set for her, while he was in Fresno. He wanted her to have somethin' nice to come home in, an' it was much colder up there those days she was in the hospital an' I guess he just worried about her."

"How could he do that? How could he let me think that he had bought it all? And, oh my, I said that Jesse had bought it when I was at your house last week. I must have just hurt him so much."

"No, no you didn't, he knew you had no idea that it was he who had bought it, he wasn't hurt by you, but Jesse is pushin' this to the limit right now, an' if they don't talk, well, I think you an' I might have to meet in secret." Jo tried to make light of the situation, but Rae could see just how worried she was.

"Texas, I'm gonna get Jesse to have a take away, then we are gonna go home and have this out. I have to get tomorrow sorted, but once that is done, Steve and Jesse are going to talk, whether they like it or not." Rae got slowly to her feet and looked at her husband. He could tell from her gaze that he was in trouble, and then he saw who she had been talking to.

Rae moved closer to his table. "Jesse, turn our order into a takeout, we need to get home." Rae could see that Steve was aware of her, but she couldn't speak to him right now. She turned to Texas. "Tell him I will see him tomorrow. He can still come, can't he? He promised me, and I really need him there."

"Rae, he will be there. You go home, I'll explain to him." Texas kissed her friend on the cheek, and watched as she walked painfully and slowly towards the door. "Do you want me to help you back to your car? You seem to be walkin' much better than before but I can help if you would like."

"No I'm fine, Texas, you will be there too, tomorrow, won't you? You're my best friend, if it all goes wrong, I want to be able to say goodbye to you." Rae felt the familiar fear grab at her once again.

"I'll be there, but we will be comin' home together." Jo went to take Rae's arm, and realised that she had it bent up. "Honey, can you move your arm?"

"No, it's a brace that Alex made for me. It helps; in fact it helps a lot. After tomorrow I will go see him, and thank him for it… if I can."

"Detective Yeager, that is enough negative talk. You will walk free from that courthouse, without a stain on your character. Now, go home an' talk to that husband of yours, before they are exchangin' lawyers' letters."

Rae smiled at her friend, and then she realised that she hadn't told her the best news of the day. "Texas, I don't know if you want to tell Steve, or leave it as a surprise, but Ana can crawl. Really crawl, she moved across Amanda's carpet and gave the kiss of life to Dion's Playstation controller." By the time Rae had finished talking she and Texas were by Jesse's car.

"I don't think I'll tell him just yet. It will probably make him feel even more left out of her life than he already does, but thank you for sharin' that with me." Jo turned then as she heard Jesse coming out, Eliana in one hand and a bag of takeout in the other.

"Rae, you could have waited and taken the food." Jesse's voice was short, and Rae, her eyes raised to the heavens carefully but pointedly shook her head.

By the time Rae and Jesse had eaten their lunch, it was time for Rae to have a nap, and she slept until almost dinnertime. Eliana hadn't been tired, but had been content to play and Jesse had taken the chance to get his Christmas jobs done, and by the time Rae was waking up he was almost beside himself with the anticipation of her reaction. As he sat in the living room he began to hear movements from the bedroom, and then as usual her voice cut through the air. "I am awake." Jesse moved into the bedroom a grin on his face.

"Hi, Honey. Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I did. Where's Eliana? Only now she is on the move we will have to keep a serious eye on her."

"She is in her playpen. I figured that she will be spending quite a bit of time in there now." As Jesse spoke the sound of Old Macdonald floated through the air, as Eliana thumped the button that played musical sounds.

"You will get fed up with the music, I promise you that." Rae smiled at her husband, and then laughed as she heard her daughter shrieking with delight.

"Yeah, I know, but I just knew she would love it. Come on I'll help you into the living room, and you can watch her."

As Rae got to the door of her lounge her face lit up. "Oh, Jesse, how wonderful, it's just beautiful, thank you." In front of the patio doors was a huge Christmas tree. It was covered in tiny white lights, which were flashing and sparkling in a random pattern. There were also all sorts of tree decorations, and as Jesse and Rae moved closer to inspect it, Rae could see china figures of children, which had the date and 'Baby's First Christmas' printed on them. There were also some obviously hand made decorations, some by younger children, the others by older ones or maybe even an adult. "Where did you get these from?" Rae pointed with one finger from her left hand, which happened to be in line with some of the decorations.

"Tony brought them over with him, he gave them to me before he headed back to London. Mara made the snowman and the angel, Patrick made the stable and John, being John, made the car!"

They had stood, Jesse with his arm protectively around his wife, for a long time just looking at all the different things on the tree. Everything was new to Rae, the other Christmases she had been in LA had been spent at the beach house, and they hadn't even owned an angel before this Christmas. Gently Jesse ran a finger down Rae's face and then he leant over and kissed her. "There are presents under the tree too, you know."

"Oh, Jess, I don't have anything for you, or Eliana or … or anybody. Not my children in London, my mother, nobody. Maybe I could call Tony, he could get some presents for them couldn't he?"

"Rae, Honey, shhh. I have sent them all presents. I just went on the Internet and got them sent from there. All gift-wrapped, with tags, everything done for you. They won't know anything is any different from all the other Christmases they've had."

"Thank you. Where would I be without you?"  Rae had moved slowly over towards Tony's chair and as she did so saw Jesse pick up Eliana from the playpen and realised that she was fast asleep. He moved through with her into her nursery, and then came back. The little girl didn't make a sound. Jesse sat on the side of the chair and leant over his wife. Slowly he took the collar off her, and felt her breathe a sigh of relief. The lights from the Christmas tree gave the room a wonderful glow, and for a moment Jesse just stood and looked at the beautiful face of the woman he loved.

"Jesse?"

"Shhh, I've been thinking, I have got it planned in my mind. Rae, do you still want me?" Jesse wasn't sure, after the problems over night just how relaxed she was.

"Want you? Now? Yes, Jesse, oh yes." Rae watched as Jesse began to undo the buttons on the shirt she had on, and then she shivered as he gently pushed it off her shoulders. The reclining chair was comfortable and held her in a position where she could relax and just let Jesse run his hands over her body without it causing her any further pain. Soon all her clothes were on the carpet, and Jesse's had joined them, he knelt with one knee either side of her and then leant over her and began to kiss her. Rae felt his tongue as it went into her mouth, and she knew without a doubt that however much it hurt, this time she wanted him with every fibre of her being, and there was no way that she would be able to stop him. Their lovemaking was very gentle and slow. Rae had to take a passive role, but everything that Jesse did to her heightened her pleasure. When finally he moved so that he could enter her she was so close to an orgasm that the feel of him inside her was all she needed to take her over the edge.

Rae lay back on the chair a little while later and for the first time since her baby had been born she felt like a woman again. She looked up into the eyes of her husband, and she could see that they were filled with tears. "Jess?"

"Rae, I have been waiting to do that with you for it seems like forever, I love you so much."

"I know, and I love you." Rae slowly moved her right hand up and ran her fingers through his hair. Jesse shivered at her touch, just as she had done before they had finally managed to make love to each other. "I guess we ought to get dressed oughtn't we?"

"Yeah, I guess, but in a minute." Jesse gently ran his hands over her body once again, and left small kisses here and there and then he smiled and carefully moved himself away "They are just for you to keep, until next time." He kissed her tenderly at first and then passionately on the lips and with a sigh he began to help Rae back into her clothes.

Once Rae was settled back on Tony's chair, which she wasn't sure she would ever think about in quite the same way ever again, she looked over at Jesse. "Honey, that was wonderful, and I'm sorry to break the mood, but, we need to talk, no excuses, no nothing, I am really cross with you Jesse, and this needs sorting right now."

"What?" Jesse had no idea where her words had come from, and he looked as shocked as he felt.

"What is going on between you and Steve?"

Jesse turned away, and Rae knew that if he walked away from her she wouldn't be able to get him back. "Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I do. Jesse, he's your best friend, you have hardly spoken to him since Eliana came home, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Jesse Travis, so help me, if you don't speak to me I'll … I'll … I'll get Steve over here right now and you can tell him what the matter is."

"Rae, no." Jesse looked horror struck. He still had no idea what to say to his best friend, and the thought of facing him was not a pleasant one. But maybe Rae would be able to help him. "We had a disagreement, at Community General, when Eliana was missing."

"When you accused him of not looking for her? You didn't apologise? Oh, Jesse." Rae didn't know what to say. She could remember the two friends arguing in the hallway when she had been in the hospital. She had been unable to talk, and she hadn't heard it all, but when Steve had come in to tell her about Eliana his eyes had held all his emotions, and she had known that he was hurting so much that he was almost at breaking point. Rae had thought that it was just because of his goddaughter, but now she knew that there was more to it.

"Ok, you are gonna tell me everything that went on, and then we are going to arrange to go see Steve." Rae's tone was firm, and Jesse knew that this time there was no getting away from it; he would have to face his mistakes.

Steve had ended up working all afternoon and evening, and had sent Jo home so that she didn't over do it. He knew that she was getting better, and that Rae had helped her a great deal, but he was still worried about her, and that morning he had spoken to his dad about it.

Mark had been sitting up in bed fighting with the Sunday paper when Steve had tapped on the door. "Dad, can I come in for a moment?"

"Sure, Son, if you promise to help me sort this out."

Steve had smiled and begun folding the paper back into some sort of recognisable shape. "I need to talk to you about Jo."

"What about her, she's still doing fine isn't she?"

"That's what I wanted to ask you. Dad, I don't know if she is behaving as she should. Whether she should have gone to the hospital, been prescribed something, or if she should see Brian, or whoever it is doing his job these days. She just seemed to snap out of it when Rae came, and apart from sleeping more and being a little quiet sometimes she seems fine again."

Mark had smiled then and Steve had felt reassured. "She's with you, Son. That's all the medication she needs. She just had to shut down for a while, but I think that you will find that the need for her to do that will reduce the longer you are together. Sure Rae and Eliana got her talking, but you're the one keeping her going, helping her back to her normal self again. You shouldn't underestimate the role you play in her life. Don't over protect her, give yourself a pat on the back and realise that you are doing her more good than any pills, therapist or vacation in the sun ever could. Ok?"

"Thanks Dad, sometimes I'm glad you're a doctor and not a cop."

"Only sometimes?"

Steve smiled at the memory, and was just getting the last of the tables wiped down ready to head for home when he heard the restaurant door open and to his surprise and pleasure he saw Jesse standing there.

"Hey, Jess, what brings you here?"

"You do. I came to speak with you." Jesse moved in and locked the door behind him. Steve watched him as he moved over, poured himself a soda and then sat at the counter.

"Rae says that I owe you an apology."

"Rae says? What about you Jesse? Do you think you owe me an apology?" Steve moved round behind the counter so that he could face his friend.

"Maybe, I was a bit out of line, but I was worried."

"Yes, I know you were, but so was I, and … and you thinking that I wasn't doing anything … well that hurt."

"Yeah, well the fact remains that if you had locked down the hospital quicker she wouldn't have gotten away."

"Jesse, Alex was bleeding, to death for all I knew, on the floor and Rae was gasping for air in her bed. I called through the details of Eliana's abduction and a brief description right away, but then you had to operate on Rae, and somehow for a moment that seemed more important."

"That, I could do on my own, I didn't need an audience. Finding my daughter and the woman who should have been in jail instead of Rae was just a little bit out of my league, Lieutenant!" Jesse was shouting now, and all the pent up anger and worry of the last few weeks came rushing to the surface. He had kept calm with Rae since she had been home, even when he had wanted to cry as he saw her suffer. He had faced the world's media, because someone had taken his daughter, when all he wanted to do was rush from house to house and search every room, and now he was being told that finding Eliana wasn't important.

"Well, I think you had your priorities wrong, she was missing for two days, she coded in the ambulance, and ended up on a ventilator. She has asthma and has to take medicine everywhere with her, and all because you didn't do your job properly!"

Steve let his hands fall to his sides. If he got anywhere near Jesse he knew that he would not be responsible for his actions and so he just walked over towards the door and unlocked it.

"I think that you had better go. I'll be in court tomorrow, Doctor Travis, I hope that will be acceptable, because I promised your wife I would be there, but right now, I don't give a damn what you think." Steve watched as Jesse walked through the open door and back out to his car, then he went back into the restaurant and grabbed a bottle of lite beer from behind the counter. He downed it in one go, and then he marched out into the kitchen and slammed it into the recycling bin so hard that it smashed to pieces.

Rae had been in bed when Jesse went to see Steve. They had decided between them that once Eliana had settled for the night, and Rae was comfortable too, he would head over to Bob's rather than leave it any longer, but if he didn't find him there he would leave it until the next day after the court case. Jesse let himself quietly into the house once he arrived back from his confrontation with Steve and was relieved to see that the house was silent. The lights were still twinkling on the Christmas tree, but for Jesse all the festive spirit had deserted him.