I Love Stalkin' Heero Yuy: A Song For Stalkers and Psychopaths (Parody of
'I Love Rock and Roll' by Britney Spears)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Rats. Don't own any of Britney's songs. YES! Nor do I own The La's song 'There She Goes.' And I don't own Gregorian or any of their weird chants. They're just my guests. I just like twisting seemingly fluffy pop-infused songs around and transfiguring them into sardonic, slightly dark, parodies I'm happy to call my own.
A/N: Hmmm... Relena bashes herself. Is that correct?
(Zechs signals to the mental hospital aides to free his sister from her straight jacket. They do so, and Relena is released onstage. ((A/N: Did anyone see that coming? Relena a mental patient?)) A set of thick metal bars falls from the ceiling, separating Relena, who is clinically insane, from the other, relatively sane people. Namely, everybody else.)
(Relena adjusts to her surroundings like a captive animal released into the wilds. She blinks at the white lights, and a Britney-esque costume is dropped from the ceiling.)
Dorothy: Miss Relena, you're supposed to put it on.
Relena: 'Kay.
(She puts the clothing on top of her mental patient robe, and taps the mic.)
Relena: Hey!? Is this thing on?
(Vibrations echo throughout the un-soundproofed room, and everybody winces and cover their ears.)
Zechs: For God's sake, Relena! Yes! It's on!
(Noin quickly hands him the oxygen mask and Zechs gulps down some air before watching his sister perform)
Heero: May I point out that that's really part of the video?
Noin (sharply): No.
I saw him sulking there next to my seat
I knew he must have been about, what? Fifteen?
The teacher was droning on
The radio station in my head was playing my favorite song
Heero (very, very, very, very outraged): WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU RETARD? I WASN'T SULKING! I WAS VERY MUCH DEEP IN THOUGHT!!!
Wufei: What were you thinking about?
Heero: Oh, uh...(lowers his voice and slumps his shoulders) I was thinking of ways...to assassinate Relena. A LOT of ways.
Trowa: SUBTLE ways, I bet.
Heero: What was that?
Trowa: Nothing... (coughing) S-hucker
Heero: AND I DO LOOK FIFTEEN!!!
Duo: You're 17.
Heero: Oh, fuck off, you wanker!
Duo: Wanker? Since when do we insult each other in English?
Heero: We ALWAYS insult each other in English, dumbass.
Duo: You KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Scab, little twat, knobhead, wanker, the list goes on! Don't curse in British!
Heero: Why not?
Duo: Why?
Zechs and Noin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
And I could tell it wouldn't be long
until I was stalking him
YEAH, HIM
And I could tell it wouldn't be long
until he'd be running away from me
YEAH from me,
Singin'
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me
Ow!
(In the soundproofed room:)
Duo: This is SO boring!
Heero: Wanna play...Go Fish?
(Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei shrug.)
Wufei: I know that this is totally OOC for me, people, but I have this uncanny idea.
Duo: I'm interested! What is it?
Wufei: I'm going to kill two bird with one stone. I'm going to give Zechs one helluva heart attack, AND I'm going to totally spice up Relena's video debut.
Quatre (sighing): Her video debut has to be an awful one. (In a perfect Piglet immitation from Winnie the Pooh) Oh d-d-dear-dear
(Duo starts taking off his clothes)
Trowa: Now what the fuck are you doing?!?
(Quatre hides in Heero's shoulder.)
Quatre: I don't want no family jewels! I don't want no family jewels! I'm too young! I'm too innocent! I don't want to see no family jewels!!!
Duo (groaning): RELAX! I struck a deal with the authoress. She's one hot chick (A/N: OH GOD! HOW DID THAT GET THROUGH?!?)... She gave me five censor bars, one for each of us! SO come on! Do the Full MONTY! Get with this! STrip TEASE!!!
(Convinced, the other four pilots start stripping and gluing the censor bars to the appropriate part of their bodies.)
He groaned as I got up and asked for his name
Bug off, he said, coz lady, you're lame
I said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"
And next he was running away from me
And he was running away from me, yeah, me
And I was still stalkin' him
Still singin' the same 'ol song
Noin: What the fuck are the five of you doing?
Heero: Spicing up the crummy, dead-end video. Let's go, men!
(Zechs and Noin watch as the Gundam pilots dance behind Relena, doing 'The Hustle' and the stuff John Travolta did in Saturday Night Fever. Personally, I didn't watch the movie, so just imagine Quatre doing the pointy thing and the hip shaking and the pelvic thrusts and the whole hoyven mayven.)
Heero: The chickens are coming! The chickens are coming!
Duo: My name is Duo MAXWELL! And I love tight panties!!!
Quatre: KISS ME, I'M IRISH!!!
Trowa: Look at ma censor bar! Look at ma censor bar!
Wufei: I am woman! Hear me roar!
Noin: Well, THAT was so unexpected.
Zechs: I know.
Wufei: HEY!!! You were supposed to have a heart attack! That's why we're acting stupid, and doing the whole John Travolta thing!
Zechs: Well, this whole escapade is just making me laugh... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
(Faints and the pulse meter goes flat. Noin snaps the wires from the mixing board, and uses them to revive him.)
Noin: CLEAR!
ZAP!
Zechs: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!
Relena: Yeah from me
Singing:
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me
Heero: I don't kill insane people!
Wufei: YEAH!! THAT'S WEAK!!!!
Ow!
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
'Coz it suits my soul
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
Yeah....
I said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"
And next he was running away from me
And he was running away from me, yeah, me
And I was still stalkin' him
Still singin' the same 'ol song
(Wufei and Trowa jump in front of the camera, doing ballet, pas-de-bourre- ing, pirouetting, jumping in the air and twirling.)
Trowa: Catch me, Wufei!
(Trowa leaps off the cameraman's head and Wufei holds out his hands. Trowa leaps, mid-air, and he falls straight to the ground.)
Relena: Yeah, from me
Singing:
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy (I love stalkin' Heero Yuy)
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
Heero: I protest all the lyrics! She's insane! Insane, I tellsya!
Zechs: That's why I put her into the nuthouse as soon as we finished taping Endless Waltz! Maybe I should put you in there, too...
Heero: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! Anything but that! I'll be good! I'll throw away all my guns! I'll actually change my Spandex shorts and my green tank top! I'll wear purple! Yellow! Burnt sienna! I'll PUT ON MY PANTSSSSS!!!!!
Noin: Oh God, the last one would be terrific. I'm getting tired of seeing your...thing...
Heero: I'm getting cold, anyway...
(Puts on his pants and goes back into the soundproof room.)
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Tries to kill me)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy (I love stalkin' Heero Yuy)
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs (Kill my brother Zechs)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Try to kill me)
(Trowa kissed the camera. Now it looks like it's raining on the set. The camera's being Frenched by Mr. Silent)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
(oh....)
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
(oh....)
(How are the Gundam pilots doing in the buff? Welllll....they turned bluer than Marge Simpson's incredibly tall long hair, caught pneumonia, and had to be revived by five tanning lamps a few live wires.)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy so come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Tries to kill me)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me!
@_@
Zechs: That's it!
(Makes a cutting motion at the recording guy, who nods and stops recording.)
Zechs: Great! That's a wrap! And I only needed oxygen once, and we didn't even need to use the ambulance!
Trowa (sarcastically): Your sister may be a wacko, but she's one hell of a performing wacko.
Zechs: Yeah. She doesn't give me constant heart attacks by purposely goofing up so, so many times.
(Gundam pilots blush profusely.)
Zechs: Okay, boys! Haul her back to the nuthouse!
(The mental hospital aides pick up Relena, knot her into her straight jacket, and dump a screaming former Queen of the World into the back of the bulletproof van.)
Quatre (in a singsong voice, as he watches the loony van pull out of the studio driveway): There she goes...
Background Gregorian-chant-type voices: Back to the loony bin...
Wufei (in a singsong voice): There she goes again...
Background Gregorian-chant-type voices: Back to the loony bin...
Heero (in rhythm with the other two): Chasing my ass down every lane
Duo: And I just can't contain...
Trowa: This feeling that remains...
A/N: I'm sorry if any of you are offended by any of my parodies. I also welcome suggestions for more parodies!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Rats. Don't own any of Britney's songs. YES! Nor do I own The La's song 'There She Goes.' And I don't own Gregorian or any of their weird chants. They're just my guests. I just like twisting seemingly fluffy pop-infused songs around and transfiguring them into sardonic, slightly dark, parodies I'm happy to call my own.
A/N: Hmmm... Relena bashes herself. Is that correct?
(Zechs signals to the mental hospital aides to free his sister from her straight jacket. They do so, and Relena is released onstage. ((A/N: Did anyone see that coming? Relena a mental patient?)) A set of thick metal bars falls from the ceiling, separating Relena, who is clinically insane, from the other, relatively sane people. Namely, everybody else.)
(Relena adjusts to her surroundings like a captive animal released into the wilds. She blinks at the white lights, and a Britney-esque costume is dropped from the ceiling.)
Dorothy: Miss Relena, you're supposed to put it on.
Relena: 'Kay.
(She puts the clothing on top of her mental patient robe, and taps the mic.)
Relena: Hey!? Is this thing on?
(Vibrations echo throughout the un-soundproofed room, and everybody winces and cover their ears.)
Zechs: For God's sake, Relena! Yes! It's on!
(Noin quickly hands him the oxygen mask and Zechs gulps down some air before watching his sister perform)
Heero: May I point out that that's really part of the video?
Noin (sharply): No.
I saw him sulking there next to my seat
I knew he must have been about, what? Fifteen?
The teacher was droning on
The radio station in my head was playing my favorite song
Heero (very, very, very, very outraged): WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU RETARD? I WASN'T SULKING! I WAS VERY MUCH DEEP IN THOUGHT!!!
Wufei: What were you thinking about?
Heero: Oh, uh...(lowers his voice and slumps his shoulders) I was thinking of ways...to assassinate Relena. A LOT of ways.
Trowa: SUBTLE ways, I bet.
Heero: What was that?
Trowa: Nothing... (coughing) S-hucker
Heero: AND I DO LOOK FIFTEEN!!!
Duo: You're 17.
Heero: Oh, fuck off, you wanker!
Duo: Wanker? Since when do we insult each other in English?
Heero: We ALWAYS insult each other in English, dumbass.
Duo: You KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Scab, little twat, knobhead, wanker, the list goes on! Don't curse in British!
Heero: Why not?
Duo: Why?
Zechs and Noin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
And I could tell it wouldn't be long
until I was stalking him
YEAH, HIM
And I could tell it wouldn't be long
until he'd be running away from me
YEAH from me,
Singin'
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me
Ow!
(In the soundproofed room:)
Duo: This is SO boring!
Heero: Wanna play...Go Fish?
(Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei shrug.)
Wufei: I know that this is totally OOC for me, people, but I have this uncanny idea.
Duo: I'm interested! What is it?
Wufei: I'm going to kill two bird with one stone. I'm going to give Zechs one helluva heart attack, AND I'm going to totally spice up Relena's video debut.
Quatre (sighing): Her video debut has to be an awful one. (In a perfect Piglet immitation from Winnie the Pooh) Oh d-d-dear-dear
(Duo starts taking off his clothes)
Trowa: Now what the fuck are you doing?!?
(Quatre hides in Heero's shoulder.)
Quatre: I don't want no family jewels! I don't want no family jewels! I'm too young! I'm too innocent! I don't want to see no family jewels!!!
Duo (groaning): RELAX! I struck a deal with the authoress. She's one hot chick (A/N: OH GOD! HOW DID THAT GET THROUGH?!?)... She gave me five censor bars, one for each of us! SO come on! Do the Full MONTY! Get with this! STrip TEASE!!!
(Convinced, the other four pilots start stripping and gluing the censor bars to the appropriate part of their bodies.)
He groaned as I got up and asked for his name
Bug off, he said, coz lady, you're lame
I said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"
And next he was running away from me
And he was running away from me, yeah, me
And I was still stalkin' him
Still singin' the same 'ol song
Noin: What the fuck are the five of you doing?
Heero: Spicing up the crummy, dead-end video. Let's go, men!
(Zechs and Noin watch as the Gundam pilots dance behind Relena, doing 'The Hustle' and the stuff John Travolta did in Saturday Night Fever. Personally, I didn't watch the movie, so just imagine Quatre doing the pointy thing and the hip shaking and the pelvic thrusts and the whole hoyven mayven.)
Heero: The chickens are coming! The chickens are coming!
Duo: My name is Duo MAXWELL! And I love tight panties!!!
Quatre: KISS ME, I'M IRISH!!!
Trowa: Look at ma censor bar! Look at ma censor bar!
Wufei: I am woman! Hear me roar!
Noin: Well, THAT was so unexpected.
Zechs: I know.
Wufei: HEY!!! You were supposed to have a heart attack! That's why we're acting stupid, and doing the whole John Travolta thing!
Zechs: Well, this whole escapade is just making me laugh... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
(Faints and the pulse meter goes flat. Noin snaps the wires from the mixing board, and uses them to revive him.)
Noin: CLEAR!
ZAP!
Zechs: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!
Relena: Yeah from me
Singing:
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me
Heero: I don't kill insane people!
Wufei: YEAH!! THAT'S WEAK!!!!
Ow!
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
'Coz it suits my soul
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
Yeah....
I said, "Can I take you home where we can be alone?"
And next he was running away from me
And he was running away from me, yeah, me
And I was still stalkin' him
Still singin' the same 'ol song
(Wufei and Trowa jump in front of the camera, doing ballet, pas-de-bourre- ing, pirouetting, jumping in the air and twirling.)
Trowa: Catch me, Wufei!
(Trowa leaps off the cameraman's head and Wufei holds out his hands. Trowa leaps, mid-air, and he falls straight to the ground.)
Relena: Yeah, from me
Singing:
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy (I love stalkin' Heero Yuy)
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
Heero: I protest all the lyrics! She's insane! Insane, I tellsya!
Zechs: That's why I put her into the nuthouse as soon as we finished taping Endless Waltz! Maybe I should put you in there, too...
Heero: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! Anything but that! I'll be good! I'll throw away all my guns! I'll actually change my Spandex shorts and my green tank top! I'll wear purple! Yellow! Burnt sienna! I'll PUT ON MY PANTSSSSS!!!!!
Noin: Oh God, the last one would be terrific. I'm getting tired of seeing your...thing...
Heero: I'm getting cold, anyway...
(Puts on his pants and goes back into the soundproof room.)
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Tries to kill me)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy (I love stalkin' Heero Yuy)
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs (Kill my brother Zechs)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Try to kill me)
(Trowa kissed the camera. Now it looks like it's raining on the set. The camera's being Frenched by Mr. Silent)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
(oh....)
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
(oh....)
(How are the Gundam pilots doing in the buff? Welllll....they turned bluer than Marge Simpson's incredibly tall long hair, caught pneumonia, and had to be revived by five tanning lamps a few live wires.)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy so come and take your time while he tries to kill me (Tries to kill me)
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So hold on tight while I ask him to kill my brother Zechs
I love stalkin' Heero Yuy
So come and take your time while he tries to kill me!
@_@
Zechs: That's it!
(Makes a cutting motion at the recording guy, who nods and stops recording.)
Zechs: Great! That's a wrap! And I only needed oxygen once, and we didn't even need to use the ambulance!
Trowa (sarcastically): Your sister may be a wacko, but she's one hell of a performing wacko.
Zechs: Yeah. She doesn't give me constant heart attacks by purposely goofing up so, so many times.
(Gundam pilots blush profusely.)
Zechs: Okay, boys! Haul her back to the nuthouse!
(The mental hospital aides pick up Relena, knot her into her straight jacket, and dump a screaming former Queen of the World into the back of the bulletproof van.)
Quatre (in a singsong voice, as he watches the loony van pull out of the studio driveway): There she goes...
Background Gregorian-chant-type voices: Back to the loony bin...
Wufei (in a singsong voice): There she goes again...
Background Gregorian-chant-type voices: Back to the loony bin...
Heero (in rhythm with the other two): Chasing my ass down every lane
Duo: And I just can't contain...
Trowa: This feeling that remains...
A/N: I'm sorry if any of you are offended by any of my parodies. I also welcome suggestions for more parodies!