What's My Gundam Again? (Parody of 'What's My Age Again?' by Blink 182)
Disclaimer: Still don't own Gundam Wing, still don't own Blink 182 or any of their songs. Damn.
A/N: Hmmm...this one's for Marion J. Weber, who always refused to let me see the fanfics she was reading, which urged me to go to FF.net and print out fics for my eyes only.
Other stuff: Hmm. This one just doesn't make any sense. But that's what you're reading this, right? Slight adult humor...but nothing you'll get nightmares about. And no, I don't think this will taint you for life.
Trowa: I flew it out, it was a Friday night,
I wore a Nazi costume, to get the feeling right
I started losing my mind, it was the damn amnesia
So I started thinking of Cathy
And that's about the time it flew away from me
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen
And are still more amused by anime and manga
What the hell is wrong with me?
Duo says I should find my mecha,
God, what's my Gundam again?
What's my Gundam again?
Duo (to Zechs): What the fuck do you mean we have to run through the street naked?
(Lt. Noin seems to be Zechs' assistant in this one. She flips through a clipboard.)
Noin: STREETS, Duo. Not street.
Duo: Okay, what the fuck do you mean we have to run through the STREETS naked?
Zechs: And yes, naked, nude, in the buff, in your birthday suits, unclothed, uncovered, bare, exposed, in the raw, need I go on?
All pilots: NO!
Trowa: And what are you going to do about it?
Zechs (nonchalantly): Nothing, if everything were up to me. But unfortunately, the ACB (Anime Censorship Board) is going to view this, and if they see your disgusting privates, you guys will never get this aired on MTV and I'll never get filthy stinking rich and famous. So we're going to censor...your...naughty parts.
Heero: NOBODY SEES MY FAMILY JEWELS!!!
Zechs (snorting): Except Relena?
(Heero's eyes widen, his fists clench, and his face scrunches up. It's the infamous Yuy suicidal phase. And he lunges at Zechs, grabbing his hair and pulling them in all directions.)
Zechs: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! SECURITY!!!!!!
Heero (whilst choking Zechs with his gun): Let! Me! Repeat! Myself! Nobody. Sees. My. Family. Jewels. Especially! Your. Damn. Sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zechs (gagging): Okay...okay...you can run through the streets with your clothes on! Just let go of my throat! Can't...breathe...
(Heero lets go of Zechs' neck...reluctantly.)
(Relena emerges from the sidelines wearing a cute nurse's outfit.)
Relena: Zechs, am I gonna see Heero's thing now?
Heero (incensed): WHAT NOW?!?
(Zechs flushed and smirked at his sister, then slowly backed away from the crazy, gun-wielding teenager, who was already reloading his revolver.)
Duo: Don't worry, Zechs man. We'll tell Noin that you're dead. I'll order your gravestone! Marble's great, right?
Trowa: Yeah, dude! Think about it! Transparent with silver writing! It could read, "Milliardo Peacecraft/Zechs Marquise...he died because of a pornography scandal."
Zechs: I have a big question. Since all of you dinks know that my real name is Milliardo Peacecraft, why do you keep calling me Zechs?
(Laughter)
Zechs: Why?
(Laughter. Everyone's laughing so hard that some of them have lost consciousness. But Quatre attempts to explain through his brief fit of humorous insanity.)
Quatre: Hahaha...Number one, it rhymes with sex...woohoohoohoohoo!!!!!!
(Hoots and cheers from everyone, including Relena. Duo is rolling around on the floor, overcome by hilarity. Heero is shooting bullets at the ceiling, laughing. Trowa has given in to his emotions and is now slapping Wufei's back and hooting. Quatre has the ZERO System look on his face, except that he's accompanying it with giggling. And Wufei is slapping Trowa's back and roaring with laughter. They're slapping each other's backs alternately.)
(Zechs is not amused.)
Quatre (still rolling around on the floor): I mean, when you picked an alter ego for yourself, you could at least picked out a serious name if you wanted to be the bad guy!
(Hoots and hollers in the background. Zechs is STILL not amused, and Relena has her hand on her brother's shoulder, trying too hard not to laugh.)
Quatre: I mean, you could have tried Emerrett Q. Einstein, or Handsom B. Wonderfull, or I. M. Brilliant! JESUS! God almighty! I mean, I could have thought of something better than Zechs Marquise!
Zechs (grummbling): Okay, fine. I know it sounds funny. But I found it on the side of a truck! What's the number two reason you use my fake name instead of my real one?
Quatre: Because it's shorter, ya asshole!
(Everyone loses all sense of sanity.)
Zechs: Damn! Guards! Tranquilize these yahoos!
(Guards come out and cattle-prod everyone.)
Zechs: Are your asses sore enough?
Duo: I speak for everyone when I say, HELL YES!
(Rubs his ass)
Trowa: I'm gonna whoop your ass once I get out of my damn contract with you and Lightning Baron Productions!
Zechs: Shut up! All of you! I don't care if your rumps hurt worse than my prostate, but you knobheads are going to run through the streets dressed up as fruits, since you're not running through the streets in the buff.
Wufei (indignantly): FRUITS? You want me, the last of the Dragon Clan, to run through the streets wearing a cushy portion of the food chain?
Zechs: FRUITS. Heero, you're the strawberry...
(Heero groans loudy as he puts on his costume.)
Zechs: Duo, banana...
Duo (protesting): BUT I HATE BANANAS!!!!
Zechs: Awww...you hate bananas, and I hate your guts. Boo hoo, right? Mr. Silent, you're going to be a mango.
Trowa: MANGO? WHAT IN GOD'S GOOD NAME, IS A MANGO????
Zechs: It's a fruit, ya moron! Winner-Papa's-Boy, you're going to be a kiwi...
Quatre (objecting): KIWIS GIVE ME HIVESSSS!!!!!!!! I can't be a kiwi!!!
Trowa (curiously): What's a kiwi?
Zechs: And I don't care! And last but not least, Last of the Dragon Clan I'm Full of Shitty Dignity Chang, you're an apple. A shiny, red apple.
Wufei (sinking to his knees): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! KISSSAAAAA MMMMMAAAAAAA!!!!
(Zechs smiles a grin of self-satisfaction.)
Duo: And what happens to your slut of a sister?
Relena (very peeved): Hey!
Duo: Well you are.
Relena: Sadly, yes.
Zechs: WHAT?!?
Relena and Duo: Nothing.
Zechs: Then get to Central Park, ya nincompoops!
All pilots (in unison): Fine.
Zechs: And WEAR your costumes, for the love of shit!
All pilots: Rats.
(Scene switches to Central Park. Five fruits are standing around a wooden bench, looking stupid. Tourists from various animes, such as Cooking Master Boy, Gatekeepers, Oh My Goddess, and Fushigi Yuugi, are snapping pictures of them and gawking and giggling like mad.)
Wufei: You should have murdered Zechs when you had the chance, Yuy.
Heero (soberly): I know. It's sad.
Wufei: Can I borrow your revolver so I can shoot him the minute he gets here?
Heero: Absolutely not.
Duo: I said it before, and I'll say it again. I HATE bananas.
Quatre (wailing): I'M GETTING HHHIIIVVVVEEEESSSS!!!
Trowa: You only get hives from something if you actually eat the food you're allergic to, dumbass!
Duo: At times like this, I wish that we chose to run through the streets naked.
Quatre: Yeah...
Wufei (in agony because the polyester is making him itch all over): Is it too late to strip?
Sally Po (from off-set): NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, CHANG!
Trowa: And I STILL don't know what a mango is!
(Finally, Zechs appears with Relena, Lt. Nichol (the cameraman), and Lt. Noin.)
Zechs: Sorry I'm late. I just didn't care anymore. (Sits down in his director's chair) So, since we can't copy Blink 182, we've made it so that Relena chases you.
(All pilots turn towards Relena, who is still wearing her nurse outfit, but this time is looking dazed, confused...somewhat drunk. And she was in a cage)
Duo (flatly): You injected her with sugar, didn't you?
Zechs (just as flatly): Hell yeah.
Quatre (looking faint): Oh my God.
Trowa: How much, pray tell?
Noin (still checking her clipboard): Uh, let's see... um, 100% pure liquid glucose.
Wufei: No wonder she's in chains.
Zechs: Oh, duh! You think I'd let her loose? My name may rhyme with sex, but I'm not nutcase.
(Snickers.)
Zechs: SHADDUP! Shaddup! I can't believe you people don't shut up!
(Snaps his fingers and Nichol, the cameraman hands each of the fruits a video camera.)
Quatre: What in heck's name are these for?
Zechs: You don't think Nichol, Noin and I will be chasing you around town while my deranged sister goes psycho on all of you, do you?
All pilots: WHAT?!?
Zechs: Hey, we're worried about our safety. We're hiding out in a triple- chromium plated see-through bomb shelter.
All pilots: WHAT?!?:
(Zechs motioned to Nichol to release Relena.)
Zechs (sweetly): I suggest you better run. And sing your nonexistent hearts out!
(Relena runs after the Gundam pilots in fruit costumes.)
Zechs (to Noin and Nichol): TO THE BOMB SHELTER!!!
(Heero looks behind him and sees Relena running towards them, her mouth all foamy like a rabid dog's.)
Trowa (frantically): WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!?
Duo: RRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zechs (from bomb shelter): YOU BETTER START SINGING, YOU STOOGES!!!!!
Trowa: Then later on, on my lift home
I prank-called Lady Une on my cellphone
I said I was the undertaker
And Treize has risen from the grave
This state looks down inside of me
Trowa: And that's about the time the schizo hung up on me
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen
And are still more amused by lemons and limes
What the hell is caller ID?
Duo says I should find my mecha
God, What's my Gundam again?
What's my Gundam again?
Trowa: And that's about the time she came on to me
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen
And you still act like you're in junior high
What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
(Quatre is now presently wrapped tightly around a light post, a la Jackie Chan in Rush Hour. Trowa is hiding in a huge mailbox. Heero has managed to climb on top of a traffic light post...and is staying there. Duo is on top of a fire exit stairwell, and Wufei is perfectly content in the middle of Central Park's lake.)
Zechs (through a megaphone): I CAN'T HEAR YOU GOOFS SINGING!!!
(All pilots exchange worried looks, as Relena climbs up the traffic light post. Heero screams and jumps into an open manhole.)
Zechs (to Nichol): Can you nip Trowa's ass?
Nichol (peering through the sniper spyhole): Yeah, I think so...
(Luckily, Trowa sees the sniper and twitches.)
Nichol: Damn! He moved!
Trowa: And that's about the time she freaked out on me
No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years to lose your mind
Why would you want to get chased by a princess
I never want to act my age
I forgot my age again
What's my age again?
Zechs: Noin, slap me now.
(Noin obliges.)
Zechs: As soon as they finish this goddamned album, I'm checking myself into rehab!
Noin: But you don't have a drinking problem!
Zechs (grabbing a bottle of whiskey from Nichol's pocket): I do now.
Disclaimer: Still don't own Gundam Wing, still don't own Blink 182 or any of their songs. Damn.
A/N: Hmmm...this one's for Marion J. Weber, who always refused to let me see the fanfics she was reading, which urged me to go to FF.net and print out fics for my eyes only.
Other stuff: Hmm. This one just doesn't make any sense. But that's what you're reading this, right? Slight adult humor...but nothing you'll get nightmares about. And no, I don't think this will taint you for life.
Trowa: I flew it out, it was a Friday night,
I wore a Nazi costume, to get the feeling right
I started losing my mind, it was the damn amnesia
So I started thinking of Cathy
And that's about the time it flew away from me
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen
And are still more amused by anime and manga
What the hell is wrong with me?
Duo says I should find my mecha,
God, what's my Gundam again?
What's my Gundam again?
Duo (to Zechs): What the fuck do you mean we have to run through the street naked?
(Lt. Noin seems to be Zechs' assistant in this one. She flips through a clipboard.)
Noin: STREETS, Duo. Not street.
Duo: Okay, what the fuck do you mean we have to run through the STREETS naked?
Zechs: And yes, naked, nude, in the buff, in your birthday suits, unclothed, uncovered, bare, exposed, in the raw, need I go on?
All pilots: NO!
Trowa: And what are you going to do about it?
Zechs (nonchalantly): Nothing, if everything were up to me. But unfortunately, the ACB (Anime Censorship Board) is going to view this, and if they see your disgusting privates, you guys will never get this aired on MTV and I'll never get filthy stinking rich and famous. So we're going to censor...your...naughty parts.
Heero: NOBODY SEES MY FAMILY JEWELS!!!
Zechs (snorting): Except Relena?
(Heero's eyes widen, his fists clench, and his face scrunches up. It's the infamous Yuy suicidal phase. And he lunges at Zechs, grabbing his hair and pulling them in all directions.)
Zechs: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! SECURITY!!!!!!
Heero (whilst choking Zechs with his gun): Let! Me! Repeat! Myself! Nobody. Sees. My. Family. Jewels. Especially! Your. Damn. Sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zechs (gagging): Okay...okay...you can run through the streets with your clothes on! Just let go of my throat! Can't...breathe...
(Heero lets go of Zechs' neck...reluctantly.)
(Relena emerges from the sidelines wearing a cute nurse's outfit.)
Relena: Zechs, am I gonna see Heero's thing now?
Heero (incensed): WHAT NOW?!?
(Zechs flushed and smirked at his sister, then slowly backed away from the crazy, gun-wielding teenager, who was already reloading his revolver.)
Duo: Don't worry, Zechs man. We'll tell Noin that you're dead. I'll order your gravestone! Marble's great, right?
Trowa: Yeah, dude! Think about it! Transparent with silver writing! It could read, "Milliardo Peacecraft/Zechs Marquise...he died because of a pornography scandal."
Zechs: I have a big question. Since all of you dinks know that my real name is Milliardo Peacecraft, why do you keep calling me Zechs?
(Laughter)
Zechs: Why?
(Laughter. Everyone's laughing so hard that some of them have lost consciousness. But Quatre attempts to explain through his brief fit of humorous insanity.)
Quatre: Hahaha...Number one, it rhymes with sex...woohoohoohoohoo!!!!!!
(Hoots and cheers from everyone, including Relena. Duo is rolling around on the floor, overcome by hilarity. Heero is shooting bullets at the ceiling, laughing. Trowa has given in to his emotions and is now slapping Wufei's back and hooting. Quatre has the ZERO System look on his face, except that he's accompanying it with giggling. And Wufei is slapping Trowa's back and roaring with laughter. They're slapping each other's backs alternately.)
(Zechs is not amused.)
Quatre (still rolling around on the floor): I mean, when you picked an alter ego for yourself, you could at least picked out a serious name if you wanted to be the bad guy!
(Hoots and hollers in the background. Zechs is STILL not amused, and Relena has her hand on her brother's shoulder, trying too hard not to laugh.)
Quatre: I mean, you could have tried Emerrett Q. Einstein, or Handsom B. Wonderfull, or I. M. Brilliant! JESUS! God almighty! I mean, I could have thought of something better than Zechs Marquise!
Zechs (grummbling): Okay, fine. I know it sounds funny. But I found it on the side of a truck! What's the number two reason you use my fake name instead of my real one?
Quatre: Because it's shorter, ya asshole!
(Everyone loses all sense of sanity.)
Zechs: Damn! Guards! Tranquilize these yahoos!
(Guards come out and cattle-prod everyone.)
Zechs: Are your asses sore enough?
Duo: I speak for everyone when I say, HELL YES!
(Rubs his ass)
Trowa: I'm gonna whoop your ass once I get out of my damn contract with you and Lightning Baron Productions!
Zechs: Shut up! All of you! I don't care if your rumps hurt worse than my prostate, but you knobheads are going to run through the streets dressed up as fruits, since you're not running through the streets in the buff.
Wufei (indignantly): FRUITS? You want me, the last of the Dragon Clan, to run through the streets wearing a cushy portion of the food chain?
Zechs: FRUITS. Heero, you're the strawberry...
(Heero groans loudy as he puts on his costume.)
Zechs: Duo, banana...
Duo (protesting): BUT I HATE BANANAS!!!!
Zechs: Awww...you hate bananas, and I hate your guts. Boo hoo, right? Mr. Silent, you're going to be a mango.
Trowa: MANGO? WHAT IN GOD'S GOOD NAME, IS A MANGO????
Zechs: It's a fruit, ya moron! Winner-Papa's-Boy, you're going to be a kiwi...
Quatre (objecting): KIWIS GIVE ME HIVESSSS!!!!!!!! I can't be a kiwi!!!
Trowa (curiously): What's a kiwi?
Zechs: And I don't care! And last but not least, Last of the Dragon Clan I'm Full of Shitty Dignity Chang, you're an apple. A shiny, red apple.
Wufei (sinking to his knees): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! KISSSAAAAA MMMMMAAAAAAA!!!!
(Zechs smiles a grin of self-satisfaction.)
Duo: And what happens to your slut of a sister?
Relena (very peeved): Hey!
Duo: Well you are.
Relena: Sadly, yes.
Zechs: WHAT?!?
Relena and Duo: Nothing.
Zechs: Then get to Central Park, ya nincompoops!
All pilots (in unison): Fine.
Zechs: And WEAR your costumes, for the love of shit!
All pilots: Rats.
(Scene switches to Central Park. Five fruits are standing around a wooden bench, looking stupid. Tourists from various animes, such as Cooking Master Boy, Gatekeepers, Oh My Goddess, and Fushigi Yuugi, are snapping pictures of them and gawking and giggling like mad.)
Wufei: You should have murdered Zechs when you had the chance, Yuy.
Heero (soberly): I know. It's sad.
Wufei: Can I borrow your revolver so I can shoot him the minute he gets here?
Heero: Absolutely not.
Duo: I said it before, and I'll say it again. I HATE bananas.
Quatre (wailing): I'M GETTING HHHIIIVVVVEEEESSSS!!!
Trowa: You only get hives from something if you actually eat the food you're allergic to, dumbass!
Duo: At times like this, I wish that we chose to run through the streets naked.
Quatre: Yeah...
Wufei (in agony because the polyester is making him itch all over): Is it too late to strip?
Sally Po (from off-set): NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, CHANG!
Trowa: And I STILL don't know what a mango is!
(Finally, Zechs appears with Relena, Lt. Nichol (the cameraman), and Lt. Noin.)
Zechs: Sorry I'm late. I just didn't care anymore. (Sits down in his director's chair) So, since we can't copy Blink 182, we've made it so that Relena chases you.
(All pilots turn towards Relena, who is still wearing her nurse outfit, but this time is looking dazed, confused...somewhat drunk. And she was in a cage)
Duo (flatly): You injected her with sugar, didn't you?
Zechs (just as flatly): Hell yeah.
Quatre (looking faint): Oh my God.
Trowa: How much, pray tell?
Noin (still checking her clipboard): Uh, let's see... um, 100% pure liquid glucose.
Wufei: No wonder she's in chains.
Zechs: Oh, duh! You think I'd let her loose? My name may rhyme with sex, but I'm not nutcase.
(Snickers.)
Zechs: SHADDUP! Shaddup! I can't believe you people don't shut up!
(Snaps his fingers and Nichol, the cameraman hands each of the fruits a video camera.)
Quatre: What in heck's name are these for?
Zechs: You don't think Nichol, Noin and I will be chasing you around town while my deranged sister goes psycho on all of you, do you?
All pilots: WHAT?!?
Zechs: Hey, we're worried about our safety. We're hiding out in a triple- chromium plated see-through bomb shelter.
All pilots: WHAT?!?:
(Zechs motioned to Nichol to release Relena.)
Zechs (sweetly): I suggest you better run. And sing your nonexistent hearts out!
(Relena runs after the Gundam pilots in fruit costumes.)
Zechs (to Noin and Nichol): TO THE BOMB SHELTER!!!
(Heero looks behind him and sees Relena running towards them, her mouth all foamy like a rabid dog's.)
Trowa (frantically): WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!?
Duo: RRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zechs (from bomb shelter): YOU BETTER START SINGING, YOU STOOGES!!!!!
Trowa: Then later on, on my lift home
I prank-called Lady Une on my cellphone
I said I was the undertaker
And Treize has risen from the grave
This state looks down inside of me
Trowa: And that's about the time the schizo hung up on me
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen
And are still more amused by lemons and limes
What the hell is caller ID?
Duo says I should find my mecha
God, What's my Gundam again?
What's my Gundam again?
Trowa: And that's about the time she came on to me
Nobody likes you when you're seventeen
And you still act like you're in junior high
What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
(Quatre is now presently wrapped tightly around a light post, a la Jackie Chan in Rush Hour. Trowa is hiding in a huge mailbox. Heero has managed to climb on top of a traffic light post...and is staying there. Duo is on top of a fire exit stairwell, and Wufei is perfectly content in the middle of Central Park's lake.)
Zechs (through a megaphone): I CAN'T HEAR YOU GOOFS SINGING!!!
(All pilots exchange worried looks, as Relena climbs up the traffic light post. Heero screams and jumps into an open manhole.)
Zechs (to Nichol): Can you nip Trowa's ass?
Nichol (peering through the sniper spyhole): Yeah, I think so...
(Luckily, Trowa sees the sniper and twitches.)
Nichol: Damn! He moved!
Trowa: And that's about the time she freaked out on me
No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years to lose your mind
Why would you want to get chased by a princess
I never want to act my age
I forgot my age again
What's my age again?
Zechs: Noin, slap me now.
(Noin obliges.)
Zechs: As soon as they finish this goddamned album, I'm checking myself into rehab!
Noin: But you don't have a drinking problem!
Zechs (grabbing a bottle of whiskey from Nichol's pocket): I do now.