TWO: LORELAI GILMORE FOR THE BLOCK, PLEASE
"Gotta run, or I'm going to miss the bus," said Rory, getting up quickly. "And if I'm late, I may set off a catastrophic chain of events which might only end with my tragic suicide. I'll see you after school."
"Take care, don't run with scissors, you know the drill," said Lorelai as she waved at Rory who was already halfway out the door.
"Yeah, bye," Rory managed to yell out before the diner door shut.
"Sometimes I don't know who fathered her," Lorelai said, as she walked to the counter where Luke was, "Christopher or Speedy Gonzales."
"Christopher or Speedy Gonzales what?" asked Luke, who did not manage to catch the first part of what Lorelai said.
"I'm staging a home version of Hollywood Squares and I can't decide who to fill in the ninth square," said Lorelai, hopping on one of the bar stools. "So I've narrowed it down to Christopher and Speedy Gonzales… unless you want it, then I can give you the upper middle square and you can be on top of me. Oh, that sounds wrong."
"Why do you even bother talking?"
"Because my beautiful voice sends shivers down your spine," said Lorelai, "Hey, Luke?"
"No."
"What?"
"I know that tone, you want something, and there's a very high chance that it'll be something I don't want to do, and you know this, but you're asking me anyways, so I'm telling you right now – no."
"I haven't even said anything yet."
"Whatever it is – no."
"But I haven't …"
"No."
"If you don't know what it is , how are you …"
"No."
"But what if it's …"
"Lorelai…"
"Fine, I won't ask you then."
"Good."
Lorelai drummed her fingers on the counter impatiently for about a minute, before speaking again. "How about, if I make a statement, that with proper analysis, could be construed as a question?"
"No."
"How about if I give you a hypothetical situation, where this girl … Lucy , wants to ask this guy … Duke… something? Completely fictional characters. It'd be like I was telling you a story."
"But you'd still be asking me something."
"No, you're missing the point," said Lorelai. "I'd be telling you the story of somebody asking for something. It's a whole different ball game."
"Okay, fine, I'll listen."
"Good," Lorelai clapped her hands carefully. "There was this girl, Lucy, who most people would call absolutely beau…"
"I meant you can just ask me like a normal person."
"But I really had a good story planned," sighed Lorelai. "Fine, but it's a very strange request, so I have to pretend to ask you about it 'by the way' , just slip it into a normal conversation. So, Luke, how was your day so far?"
Luke raised an eyebrow at her. "It was okay."
"Speaking of flyers," said Lorelai suddenly, taking out the leaflet from her purse. "I just happened to come across one of these babies this morning. I, for one, have not read it before, maybe we can read it together."
"If it's something that Taylor gave you, you can forget…"
Lorelai unfolded the leaflet. "What's this? Stars Hollow First Annual Bachelor Auction?"
Luke's eyes narrowed immediately. "Forget it."
"And what's these little words here? All proceeds go to the Stars Hollow Statue Fund?" Lorelai read out loud. "Surely there can't be a better cause than that."
"It's a stupid fund to fix a stupid statue, so throw that stupid leaflet away and save your time, because I'm not going to participate in that pathetic excuse of an event."
"It's on Sunday," said Lorelai, seemingly ignoring Luke's comments. "Oh, here's a crazy idea, why don't you join this?"
"Yes, it's a crazy idea, but coming from a crazy person it's not much of a shock to me."
"Come on Luke," said Lorelai pleadingly. "I'll give you five dollars."
"No."
"Ten."
"No."
"Twenty."
"No."
"See, it's kind of like we're bidding aren't we?" Lorelai said, "You're a natural! You're meant to do this."
"Leave me alone."
"If you do this, I'll give you thirty dollars, and a popsicle."
"Go away."
"Okay, forty dollars, and I'll throw in Rory, a sweet young girl that you can raise as your very own. Chilton uniform and emotional baggage sold separately."
"Why are you so interested in this anyway? What's in it for you?" Luke asked, planting his hands firmly on the counter.
"What's in it for me? Do you have to ask?" Lorelai responded. "Just the pleasure of serving my fellow townsfolk, and helping raise enough money to beautify our little corner of the world, is enough payment for me. You know what they say … virtue is its own reward."
"Liar."
"Fine, if you want to know the truth," said Lorelai. "If I bid on you and win, I get to make you my personal love slave for the entire night."
"It does not say that," said Luke, snatching the leaflet from Lorelai, trying to desperately hide the fact that that was really something he wouldn't mind happening. It is, after all for charity. "You're making everything up."
"I am not," said Lorelai, "And what I can tell you is, if you do this, you'll get Taylor off both our backs, I can guarantee you that much."
"I don't care about Taylor. He can stay on my back for as long as he wants, I don't listen to him anyway."
"Maybe so, but can you imagine this," Lorelai said, "A world, where Taylor doesn't tell us to do anything, because, well, we've all helped out in his last stupid event."
"I know Taylor. It won't stop at this. In a few months time he'll be starting all over again."
"But what a glorious few months that would be."
"You know, if you're so smart, you join."
"I am. I will be doing the bidding," said Lorelai, "So, if you play your cards right, that sexy flannel covered body of yours will be all mine."
"It won't be anyone's," said Luke, who was slightly turned on but tried not to show it. "Because I'm not doing this."
"Please."
"No."
"I'll bid on you," said Lorelai, "So you won't end up with Miss Patty, or Loretta the one-eyed gypsy hag."
"Thanks, but no thanks."
"Come on," said Lorelai, "Think about it, you'll be Taylor free for a while, and you won't have to be stuck with some horny man-crazy psychopath."
"I thought you said you were bidding on me."
"Ha, ha," Lorelai gave a fake laugh. "Funny. Please, Luke, it's risk-free, and lots of fun, and Headless Statue will be reunited with its head. It won't be the same head, since they'll be building one from scratch, but I think it will be a tearful reunion anyhow."
"No."
"Please."
"No."
"Pleaseeee, Luke."
"Stop that, you sound like a dying weasel."
"Pleaseeee… Luke. I'll be your very best friend, and I'll double your tip today."
Luke sighed. "If I do it will you stop whining?"
"Yes."
"And Taylor will get off my back?"
"Yes."
"And you'll make sure Miss Patty, Loretta or any other disgusting woman don't get to lay their hands on me."
"Yes."
"And you'll double my tip."
"Oh, geez, now you're really pushing it," said Lorelai. She gave him a trademark Lorelai cheerful smile. "Are you going to do it?"
Luke, through all his years of knowing her, was as of yet still unable to master the art of resisting the charms of Lorelai Gilmore and her Smile of Doom. He sighed, quite aware that this was one inner battle he wasn't going to win anyway. "Okay."
* to be continued *
A/N: Yeah, I know, Luke caved in a little too easily, but I had to get the story moving, don't I? My apologies. :)
"Gotta run, or I'm going to miss the bus," said Rory, getting up quickly. "And if I'm late, I may set off a catastrophic chain of events which might only end with my tragic suicide. I'll see you after school."
"Take care, don't run with scissors, you know the drill," said Lorelai as she waved at Rory who was already halfway out the door.
"Yeah, bye," Rory managed to yell out before the diner door shut.
"Sometimes I don't know who fathered her," Lorelai said, as she walked to the counter where Luke was, "Christopher or Speedy Gonzales."
"Christopher or Speedy Gonzales what?" asked Luke, who did not manage to catch the first part of what Lorelai said.
"I'm staging a home version of Hollywood Squares and I can't decide who to fill in the ninth square," said Lorelai, hopping on one of the bar stools. "So I've narrowed it down to Christopher and Speedy Gonzales… unless you want it, then I can give you the upper middle square and you can be on top of me. Oh, that sounds wrong."
"Why do you even bother talking?"
"Because my beautiful voice sends shivers down your spine," said Lorelai, "Hey, Luke?"
"No."
"What?"
"I know that tone, you want something, and there's a very high chance that it'll be something I don't want to do, and you know this, but you're asking me anyways, so I'm telling you right now – no."
"I haven't even said anything yet."
"Whatever it is – no."
"But I haven't …"
"No."
"If you don't know what it is , how are you …"
"No."
"But what if it's …"
"Lorelai…"
"Fine, I won't ask you then."
"Good."
Lorelai drummed her fingers on the counter impatiently for about a minute, before speaking again. "How about, if I make a statement, that with proper analysis, could be construed as a question?"
"No."
"How about if I give you a hypothetical situation, where this girl … Lucy , wants to ask this guy … Duke… something? Completely fictional characters. It'd be like I was telling you a story."
"But you'd still be asking me something."
"No, you're missing the point," said Lorelai. "I'd be telling you the story of somebody asking for something. It's a whole different ball game."
"Okay, fine, I'll listen."
"Good," Lorelai clapped her hands carefully. "There was this girl, Lucy, who most people would call absolutely beau…"
"I meant you can just ask me like a normal person."
"But I really had a good story planned," sighed Lorelai. "Fine, but it's a very strange request, so I have to pretend to ask you about it 'by the way' , just slip it into a normal conversation. So, Luke, how was your day so far?"
Luke raised an eyebrow at her. "It was okay."
"Speaking of flyers," said Lorelai suddenly, taking out the leaflet from her purse. "I just happened to come across one of these babies this morning. I, for one, have not read it before, maybe we can read it together."
"If it's something that Taylor gave you, you can forget…"
Lorelai unfolded the leaflet. "What's this? Stars Hollow First Annual Bachelor Auction?"
Luke's eyes narrowed immediately. "Forget it."
"And what's these little words here? All proceeds go to the Stars Hollow Statue Fund?" Lorelai read out loud. "Surely there can't be a better cause than that."
"It's a stupid fund to fix a stupid statue, so throw that stupid leaflet away and save your time, because I'm not going to participate in that pathetic excuse of an event."
"It's on Sunday," said Lorelai, seemingly ignoring Luke's comments. "Oh, here's a crazy idea, why don't you join this?"
"Yes, it's a crazy idea, but coming from a crazy person it's not much of a shock to me."
"Come on Luke," said Lorelai pleadingly. "I'll give you five dollars."
"No."
"Ten."
"No."
"Twenty."
"No."
"See, it's kind of like we're bidding aren't we?" Lorelai said, "You're a natural! You're meant to do this."
"Leave me alone."
"If you do this, I'll give you thirty dollars, and a popsicle."
"Go away."
"Okay, forty dollars, and I'll throw in Rory, a sweet young girl that you can raise as your very own. Chilton uniform and emotional baggage sold separately."
"Why are you so interested in this anyway? What's in it for you?" Luke asked, planting his hands firmly on the counter.
"What's in it for me? Do you have to ask?" Lorelai responded. "Just the pleasure of serving my fellow townsfolk, and helping raise enough money to beautify our little corner of the world, is enough payment for me. You know what they say … virtue is its own reward."
"Liar."
"Fine, if you want to know the truth," said Lorelai. "If I bid on you and win, I get to make you my personal love slave for the entire night."
"It does not say that," said Luke, snatching the leaflet from Lorelai, trying to desperately hide the fact that that was really something he wouldn't mind happening. It is, after all for charity. "You're making everything up."
"I am not," said Lorelai, "And what I can tell you is, if you do this, you'll get Taylor off both our backs, I can guarantee you that much."
"I don't care about Taylor. He can stay on my back for as long as he wants, I don't listen to him anyway."
"Maybe so, but can you imagine this," Lorelai said, "A world, where Taylor doesn't tell us to do anything, because, well, we've all helped out in his last stupid event."
"I know Taylor. It won't stop at this. In a few months time he'll be starting all over again."
"But what a glorious few months that would be."
"You know, if you're so smart, you join."
"I am. I will be doing the bidding," said Lorelai, "So, if you play your cards right, that sexy flannel covered body of yours will be all mine."
"It won't be anyone's," said Luke, who was slightly turned on but tried not to show it. "Because I'm not doing this."
"Please."
"No."
"I'll bid on you," said Lorelai, "So you won't end up with Miss Patty, or Loretta the one-eyed gypsy hag."
"Thanks, but no thanks."
"Come on," said Lorelai, "Think about it, you'll be Taylor free for a while, and you won't have to be stuck with some horny man-crazy psychopath."
"I thought you said you were bidding on me."
"Ha, ha," Lorelai gave a fake laugh. "Funny. Please, Luke, it's risk-free, and lots of fun, and Headless Statue will be reunited with its head. It won't be the same head, since they'll be building one from scratch, but I think it will be a tearful reunion anyhow."
"No."
"Please."
"No."
"Pleaseeee, Luke."
"Stop that, you sound like a dying weasel."
"Pleaseeee… Luke. I'll be your very best friend, and I'll double your tip today."
Luke sighed. "If I do it will you stop whining?"
"Yes."
"And Taylor will get off my back?"
"Yes."
"And you'll make sure Miss Patty, Loretta or any other disgusting woman don't get to lay their hands on me."
"Yes."
"And you'll double my tip."
"Oh, geez, now you're really pushing it," said Lorelai. She gave him a trademark Lorelai cheerful smile. "Are you going to do it?"
Luke, through all his years of knowing her, was as of yet still unable to master the art of resisting the charms of Lorelai Gilmore and her Smile of Doom. He sighed, quite aware that this was one inner battle he wasn't going to win anyway. "Okay."
* to be continued *
A/N: Yeah, I know, Luke caved in a little too easily, but I had to get the story moving, don't I? My apologies. :)