THREE: A TRUCK OR VAN WILL WORK JUST AS WELL
"Mom!" exclaimed Rory as she got down from the bus, slinging her backpack over her left shoulder. "What are you doing here?"
"You don't want me here?" Lorelai stood by the bench, holding two plastic cups of coffee. "Well, I guess I'll have to drink both these cups, then. It's disgusting, but I don't like to encourage wastefulness."
"Gimme," said Rory, reaching out for one of the cups. She took it with both hands, undid the cover and literally inhaled her coffee. "Mmm."
"Let's go to Luke's," said Lorelai, "I have a sudden craving for donuts."
"You always have a craving for donuts. After eighteen years you can no longer call them 'sudden'. Why didn't you get them when you go the coffee?" Rory asked. "You have much to learn in the ways of efficiency."
"If I got the donuts then," Lorelai replied, "You wouldn't have any now, because I would have eaten them all even though at the time of purchased, I would have bought enough for the both of us. Waiting makes me hungry, irritable, and prone to humming Diana Ross material. I was on the second verse of that Land Before Time song when you interrupted me. By the way, is it just me, or did it seem totally fitting that Diana Ross had to sing the theme song for a dinosaur movie?"
"You're weird."
"Well, newsflash, you share fifty percent of my genes, so things not looking so great for you, either," her mother said as they started walking. "How was school today?"
"Ugh, I've had better," said Rory, "We have this new kid, who's supposed to be like this super genius prodigy child, right. So he's only twelve, but he's in my class, and Paris is going crazy because there's more competition for her now, and normally I would be fine with that, but unfortunately, twelve year olds also have the mentality of twelve year olds."
"Did he throw spit balls at you?"
"I wish," said Rory, "He kept following me around calling me 'Rory Tory'. What's that about? If it were a nickname that made sense, at least there would be some consolation."
"You know, you should actually be thankful you share my name," said Lorelai. "It's so hard to rhyme things with Lorelai.Except this one time, Lucy McNamara called me 'Whore-elai' after she thought I stole her boyfriend."
"Did you?"
"Of course not," said Lorelai. "I can't believe you even had to ask me that."
"Sorry. Reflex. Did she ever stop?"
"Well, she got hit by a bus two weeks later so her priorities sort of changed."
"Great," said Rory, "So I have to find a bus and lure that kid in front of it to give me any peace of mind."
"It doesn't have to be a bus," said Lorelai, "I hear a truck or van works just as well."
"I'll keep that under advisement," Rory nodded, "Hey, so did you manage to talk to Luke about that whole bachelor auction thing? I can't get over it, I was so thrilled with the idea that I spent my entire Shakespeare class drawing pictures of Luke being bid on."
"You lie."
"Okay, so I contemplated drawing pictures," said Rory, "So did you ask him?"
"Yeah," said Lorelai, "And maybe you should bite on a spoon or something first, because I'm about to tell you that he has agreed to do it."
"Oh my god! That's so cool," said Rory, "I would clap my hands but the coffee would spill. How did you do it?"
"I had to tie him up and put bamboo shoots under his fingernails," replied Lorelai, "But I would like to think that it was my supernatural powers of persuasion that finally won him over."
"You didn't flirt with him , did you? Do that fluttering-eyelash-giggly-airhead-hike-up-your-skirt-a-couple-of-inches-oops-look-how-low-cut-my-blouse-is-airhead thing?"
"I have no idea what you just said."
"You know how you can get when you want something from him," said Rory, who started imitating Lorelai in a high pitched voice, giggling and twirling her hair with her finger. "Hee hee, Oooh, pleassee Luke, hee hee hee."
"That's a damaging misrepresentation," said Lorelai, "And I'm not having this conversation with you anymore."
"Did you hide the bamboo shoots down your blouse and make him look for it *before* you shoved them under his fingernails?"
"Please… stop… talking. Brain… hurts." Lorelai pushed open the door to Luke's. "I want my donuts, and if you don't stop I'm going to play ring-toss using the donuts and your Pinocchio like nose."
Lorelai and Rory found an empty table by the window and sat down. Lorelai took a menu from the center of the table and looked at it. Luke came over.
"Back again, I see," said Luke. "I see the coffee doesn't even last for an hour now."
"She's here to eat this time," said Rory.
"Thank you, sweet, kind, Rory, I did not know I had gone mute and was incapable of answering questions myself," Lorelai said, over the menu.
"We can still hope, I guess." said Luke.
"Hey, Lumberjack," said Lorelai, "You want to halve your tip?"
"Half the time you don't even pay for the meal," said Luke, "So the existence of a tip is pretty much depends on whimsical optimism on my part. So, what are you having?"
"Hmm, I don't know," said Lorelai, looking at the menu. "What's good here?"
"Lorelai…" Luke sighed.
"Yes, thank you, but actually I was referring to what was good to *eat*."
"Tell me," said Lorelai, "What is your… soup of the day?"
"You don't want soup."
"How do you know I don't want soup? I don't even know what soup it is. For all you know, it could be some sort of soup which I have waited my whole life to try, but never had the opportunity to. It could be the soup that might change my life."
"Every day you come in here, and you never order soup, unless you're sick. I assume you're here for the donuts. How many, and what kind?"
"Today, I am interested in the soup."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am. I realized that my body is 70% water, and what could be friendlier to my body than soup, something which is made almost entirely out of water. What's the soup of the day?"
"Tomato."
"I don't like tomato soup," said Lorelai. "What other type of soup do you have?"
"Mushroom. Chicken."
"Hmmm, I'm not sure about the mushroom, but I like the sound of chicken soup."
"So, one chicken soup."
"No, I'll have two jelly donuts, please," said Lorelai. "Rory?"
Rory looked at Luke. "Hmm.. what's your soup of the day again?"
"You know, I can throw the both of you out," said Luke. "I'm writing down two jelly donuts, whether you want them or not."
He walked back to the counter, put four donuts on a plate and handed it to them.
"Thank you," said Rory, taking a donut. "So, Luke, I heard you're participating in the bachelor event this Sunday."
"Yeah," Luke mumbled, "But it's just a one time thing, so don't expect me to suddenly start putting streamers all over my diner and singing the Stars Hollow anthem."
"There's a Stars Hollow anthem?" Lorelai asked.
"I heard about that," said Rory, "Apparently Taylor wrote one a couple of years back, but people couldn't remember the words."
"It was a complete rip-off of God Save The Queen," Luke started, "I mean, the man says he loves this town, but he can't even take the time to write an original, non-plagiarized anthem, but if I don't put up stupid Halloween decorations or Christmas lights he gets on my case."
"Calm down, there, Sparky," said Lorelai, "But after Sunday, you will live a quiet, Taylor-free life. And so will I. And hopefully, Rory, and the generations after her, will also get to experience the harmony I felt."
"I hope so," said Rory, "But I don't think Taylor's going to live for that long."
"That man is the Devil," said Lorelai, "And everybody knows the Devil lives forever. Don't you learn anything in Sunday school?"
"I don't go to Sunday school."
"Hmph. Suddenly that explains a lot."
"So, what are you wearing?" Rory asked Luke.
"Now?" Luke looked down at himself.
"No," said Rory. "For the auction."
"I have to wear something?"
"Well," said Lorelai, "I'm sure doing it naked would get the Statue Fund a couple more dollars but yes, in general, you have to wear something."
"You know what I meant," said Luke. "Because, I'm not dressing up for this thing."
"You're not thinking of going to the auction in that, are you?" Lorelai poked at him.
"Don't poke me," said Luke, "And what's wrong with this?"
"Nothing," said Lorelai, "If you're planning on chopping wood for the little house on the prairie, but you know, when you're at the auction, you've got to be snazzy, formal."
"Okay, if that's the case," said Luke, turning to go, "Count me out."
"Come on," said Lorelai, reaching out and pulling him back, "It's not that bad. And besides, I'm not going to bid on you if you're out there looking like you should be standing next to a tree stump and holding an axe."
"You're bidding on him?" said Rory, perking up.
"It's not what it sounds like," said Luke, "And you don't have to worry about that, because I'm pulling out."
"You can't," gasped Lorelai, "I already told Taylor, he was so happy, he almost showed a hint of an expression. You pull out and he'll blacklist us. Forever. I'll never be able to go to the grocery store again."
"First you tell me it's a one time thing," said Luke, "Now you tell me there's formal wear involved. Anything else you want to spring out on me?"
"Well, there is a swimsuit competition, but I think you can pass on that one."
"Funny," said Luke.
"So, I'll come over tomorrow, and then we can go," said Lorelai.
"Go where?"
"Shopping."
"I'm not going shopping with you."
"We have to get you formal wear."
"I already have enough from the last time you maxed out my credit card. Remember?"
"Oh, that was ages ago," said Lorelai, "And it wasn't Bachelor Auction Formal Wear. That was Generic Formal Wear. There's a difference, and everybody knows that you can't wear Generic Formal Wear for a bachelor auction. That will throw the whole world off it's axis, and things will never be the same again."
"I suggest a theme," said Rory, "Like light pastel colors."
"You're lucky I don't have a gun," Luke deadpanned. "Both of you."
"Four o'clock fine?" asked Lorelai.
"Fine," said Luke, turning away, "Just as long as you make it quick. I don't want to spend six hours there trying to find a nice belt."
"He caves way too easily," said Lorelai, looking at him go. "Way too easy."
* to be continued ... next: Lorelai and Luke go a-shopping! * be kind, give feedback :)
"Mom!" exclaimed Rory as she got down from the bus, slinging her backpack over her left shoulder. "What are you doing here?"
"You don't want me here?" Lorelai stood by the bench, holding two plastic cups of coffee. "Well, I guess I'll have to drink both these cups, then. It's disgusting, but I don't like to encourage wastefulness."
"Gimme," said Rory, reaching out for one of the cups. She took it with both hands, undid the cover and literally inhaled her coffee. "Mmm."
"Let's go to Luke's," said Lorelai, "I have a sudden craving for donuts."
"You always have a craving for donuts. After eighteen years you can no longer call them 'sudden'. Why didn't you get them when you go the coffee?" Rory asked. "You have much to learn in the ways of efficiency."
"If I got the donuts then," Lorelai replied, "You wouldn't have any now, because I would have eaten them all even though at the time of purchased, I would have bought enough for the both of us. Waiting makes me hungry, irritable, and prone to humming Diana Ross material. I was on the second verse of that Land Before Time song when you interrupted me. By the way, is it just me, or did it seem totally fitting that Diana Ross had to sing the theme song for a dinosaur movie?"
"You're weird."
"Well, newsflash, you share fifty percent of my genes, so things not looking so great for you, either," her mother said as they started walking. "How was school today?"
"Ugh, I've had better," said Rory, "We have this new kid, who's supposed to be like this super genius prodigy child, right. So he's only twelve, but he's in my class, and Paris is going crazy because there's more competition for her now, and normally I would be fine with that, but unfortunately, twelve year olds also have the mentality of twelve year olds."
"Did he throw spit balls at you?"
"I wish," said Rory, "He kept following me around calling me 'Rory Tory'. What's that about? If it were a nickname that made sense, at least there would be some consolation."
"You know, you should actually be thankful you share my name," said Lorelai. "It's so hard to rhyme things with Lorelai.Except this one time, Lucy McNamara called me 'Whore-elai' after she thought I stole her boyfriend."
"Did you?"
"Of course not," said Lorelai. "I can't believe you even had to ask me that."
"Sorry. Reflex. Did she ever stop?"
"Well, she got hit by a bus two weeks later so her priorities sort of changed."
"Great," said Rory, "So I have to find a bus and lure that kid in front of it to give me any peace of mind."
"It doesn't have to be a bus," said Lorelai, "I hear a truck or van works just as well."
"I'll keep that under advisement," Rory nodded, "Hey, so did you manage to talk to Luke about that whole bachelor auction thing? I can't get over it, I was so thrilled with the idea that I spent my entire Shakespeare class drawing pictures of Luke being bid on."
"You lie."
"Okay, so I contemplated drawing pictures," said Rory, "So did you ask him?"
"Yeah," said Lorelai, "And maybe you should bite on a spoon or something first, because I'm about to tell you that he has agreed to do it."
"Oh my god! That's so cool," said Rory, "I would clap my hands but the coffee would spill. How did you do it?"
"I had to tie him up and put bamboo shoots under his fingernails," replied Lorelai, "But I would like to think that it was my supernatural powers of persuasion that finally won him over."
"You didn't flirt with him , did you? Do that fluttering-eyelash-giggly-airhead-hike-up-your-skirt-a-couple-of-inches-oops-look-how-low-cut-my-blouse-is-airhead thing?"
"I have no idea what you just said."
"You know how you can get when you want something from him," said Rory, who started imitating Lorelai in a high pitched voice, giggling and twirling her hair with her finger. "Hee hee, Oooh, pleassee Luke, hee hee hee."
"That's a damaging misrepresentation," said Lorelai, "And I'm not having this conversation with you anymore."
"Did you hide the bamboo shoots down your blouse and make him look for it *before* you shoved them under his fingernails?"
"Please… stop… talking. Brain… hurts." Lorelai pushed open the door to Luke's. "I want my donuts, and if you don't stop I'm going to play ring-toss using the donuts and your Pinocchio like nose."
Lorelai and Rory found an empty table by the window and sat down. Lorelai took a menu from the center of the table and looked at it. Luke came over.
"Back again, I see," said Luke. "I see the coffee doesn't even last for an hour now."
"She's here to eat this time," said Rory.
"Thank you, sweet, kind, Rory, I did not know I had gone mute and was incapable of answering questions myself," Lorelai said, over the menu.
"We can still hope, I guess." said Luke.
"Hey, Lumberjack," said Lorelai, "You want to halve your tip?"
"Half the time you don't even pay for the meal," said Luke, "So the existence of a tip is pretty much depends on whimsical optimism on my part. So, what are you having?"
"Hmm, I don't know," said Lorelai, looking at the menu. "What's good here?"
"Lorelai…" Luke sighed.
"Yes, thank you, but actually I was referring to what was good to *eat*."
"Tell me," said Lorelai, "What is your… soup of the day?"
"You don't want soup."
"How do you know I don't want soup? I don't even know what soup it is. For all you know, it could be some sort of soup which I have waited my whole life to try, but never had the opportunity to. It could be the soup that might change my life."
"Every day you come in here, and you never order soup, unless you're sick. I assume you're here for the donuts. How many, and what kind?"
"Today, I am interested in the soup."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am. I realized that my body is 70% water, and what could be friendlier to my body than soup, something which is made almost entirely out of water. What's the soup of the day?"
"Tomato."
"I don't like tomato soup," said Lorelai. "What other type of soup do you have?"
"Mushroom. Chicken."
"Hmmm, I'm not sure about the mushroom, but I like the sound of chicken soup."
"So, one chicken soup."
"No, I'll have two jelly donuts, please," said Lorelai. "Rory?"
Rory looked at Luke. "Hmm.. what's your soup of the day again?"
"You know, I can throw the both of you out," said Luke. "I'm writing down two jelly donuts, whether you want them or not."
He walked back to the counter, put four donuts on a plate and handed it to them.
"Thank you," said Rory, taking a donut. "So, Luke, I heard you're participating in the bachelor event this Sunday."
"Yeah," Luke mumbled, "But it's just a one time thing, so don't expect me to suddenly start putting streamers all over my diner and singing the Stars Hollow anthem."
"There's a Stars Hollow anthem?" Lorelai asked.
"I heard about that," said Rory, "Apparently Taylor wrote one a couple of years back, but people couldn't remember the words."
"It was a complete rip-off of God Save The Queen," Luke started, "I mean, the man says he loves this town, but he can't even take the time to write an original, non-plagiarized anthem, but if I don't put up stupid Halloween decorations or Christmas lights he gets on my case."
"Calm down, there, Sparky," said Lorelai, "But after Sunday, you will live a quiet, Taylor-free life. And so will I. And hopefully, Rory, and the generations after her, will also get to experience the harmony I felt."
"I hope so," said Rory, "But I don't think Taylor's going to live for that long."
"That man is the Devil," said Lorelai, "And everybody knows the Devil lives forever. Don't you learn anything in Sunday school?"
"I don't go to Sunday school."
"Hmph. Suddenly that explains a lot."
"So, what are you wearing?" Rory asked Luke.
"Now?" Luke looked down at himself.
"No," said Rory. "For the auction."
"I have to wear something?"
"Well," said Lorelai, "I'm sure doing it naked would get the Statue Fund a couple more dollars but yes, in general, you have to wear something."
"You know what I meant," said Luke. "Because, I'm not dressing up for this thing."
"You're not thinking of going to the auction in that, are you?" Lorelai poked at him.
"Don't poke me," said Luke, "And what's wrong with this?"
"Nothing," said Lorelai, "If you're planning on chopping wood for the little house on the prairie, but you know, when you're at the auction, you've got to be snazzy, formal."
"Okay, if that's the case," said Luke, turning to go, "Count me out."
"Come on," said Lorelai, reaching out and pulling him back, "It's not that bad. And besides, I'm not going to bid on you if you're out there looking like you should be standing next to a tree stump and holding an axe."
"You're bidding on him?" said Rory, perking up.
"It's not what it sounds like," said Luke, "And you don't have to worry about that, because I'm pulling out."
"You can't," gasped Lorelai, "I already told Taylor, he was so happy, he almost showed a hint of an expression. You pull out and he'll blacklist us. Forever. I'll never be able to go to the grocery store again."
"First you tell me it's a one time thing," said Luke, "Now you tell me there's formal wear involved. Anything else you want to spring out on me?"
"Well, there is a swimsuit competition, but I think you can pass on that one."
"Funny," said Luke.
"So, I'll come over tomorrow, and then we can go," said Lorelai.
"Go where?"
"Shopping."
"I'm not going shopping with you."
"We have to get you formal wear."
"I already have enough from the last time you maxed out my credit card. Remember?"
"Oh, that was ages ago," said Lorelai, "And it wasn't Bachelor Auction Formal Wear. That was Generic Formal Wear. There's a difference, and everybody knows that you can't wear Generic Formal Wear for a bachelor auction. That will throw the whole world off it's axis, and things will never be the same again."
"I suggest a theme," said Rory, "Like light pastel colors."
"You're lucky I don't have a gun," Luke deadpanned. "Both of you."
"Four o'clock fine?" asked Lorelai.
"Fine," said Luke, turning away, "Just as long as you make it quick. I don't want to spend six hours there trying to find a nice belt."
"He caves way too easily," said Lorelai, looking at him go. "Way too easy."
* to be continued ... next: Lorelai and Luke go a-shopping! * be kind, give feedback :)