FOUR: MEOW FOR MOMMY
"I'm here, I'm here," said Lorelai as she barged into the diner, obviously uninterested the people in it were staring at her as if she were a lunatic. She walked up to Luke, who was taking orders from a young couple sitting in the corner. She tapped him on the shoulder. "Come on Luke, put on a sparkling shirt and your best pair of walking shoes, because we're going a-shopping."
"Do you mind?" Luke asked. "I'm in the middle of taking orders here."
"Sorry," said Lorelai. She paused for a moment, before piping up again. "Are you done yet?"
"No, I'm not. Go sit at the counter for a while."
"I don't want to."
"You can have a free donut while you're waiting."
"Bye," said Lorelai as she went over to the counter. She picked up a nice, juicy looking donut and put it on a plate. "Yum."
"What are you doing?" said Jess, popping up from under the counter. "Those aren't free, you know."
"Gah!" Lorelai nearly dropped her donut. "What the crap? Don't pop up from under counters. It's very eerie, only murderers do that, and you nearly made me drop my donut."
"The donut you didn't pay for."
"Since when were you the poster boy for capitalism?"
"Look," said Jess, "I got into trouble with Uncle Luke the last time I gave out free food."
"You gave out free food? To whom?"
"None of your business," Jess answered, "But she was totally worth it. Not that Luke cares though. So put your hands in the air and put that donut back slowly."
"Luke said I could have it," said Lorelai, biting into her donut nonchalantly, "So don't worry about it. Mmm. It tastes much better when you don't have to pay for it."
"So it's all right when he does it."
"Newsflash, he owns the place," said Lorelai.
"What are you doing, here anyways?" Jess asked bluntly, "I think there are some rabbits out there missing their cheerful disposition."
"Don't you have a school to burn down or something?"
"Been there, done that."
Luke walked up to them and tore off the front sheet of his notepad and slid it to Jess. "Take this to Caesar, and tell him to take over for the day. I'm heading out."
"Where are you going?"
"We're going shopping," said Lorelai, getting up. "We need to get him new clothes for the bachelor auction tomorrow. Flannel is so out."
Jess did his best not to hide his amusement. "You're taking part in that stupid bachelor auction?"
"It's just to get Taylor to shut up," said Luke quickly, not eager to hear what Jess had to say about this. He headed out the door. Lorelai followed him. "It's just a one time thing."
"Nah, I don't think so," said Jess quietly as he watched the two of them leave. "It never is."
*
"So, let me get this clear with you, so there are no misunderstandings," said Luke, as they walked into the men's department. "We get in, we pick something, we buy it, and we get out."
"Then what's the point?"
"The point is to buy something for me to wear tomorrow, not try on their entire fall collection," said Luke, looking around. "God, I can't believe I'm in a mall."
"But this scarf is so pretty," said Lorelai, picking up a brown scarf from the rack nearby and rubbing it against her cheek. "It's so soft, I feel reborn. Touch it."
"I'm not touching it. You don't know how many people have laid their grubby hands on it."
"Come on, put it against your cheek," said Lorelai, holding out the scarf, "Caress it. Let it speak to you. Listen to the scarf."
"I am, and right now it's saying 'let me go you crazy nut'."
"Scarves don't talk like that," said Lorelai, putting it back. "If you don't like it, just say so."
"I don't like it."
"Why would you say something like that?!"
"Look," Luke sighed, "Can we just go and get what we're looking for?"
"Ah, but you're forgetting the real experience behind shopping in a mall," said Lorelai, "It's not what you're looking for, it's what you aren't looking for but is conveniently on sale. Like this beautiful, leather jacket." She held out the jacket in front of him.
"We're not here to get a leather jacket."
"But it's fifty percent off," said Lorelai. "That means, you're only paying for half."
"Thank you, I was not aware of that," said Luke sarcastically, "But in case you don't know, they probably hiked up the prices last month, so when they tell you it's fifty percent off, you're actually paying the same as you would have before the sale... if not more."
"Blasphemy!" said Lorelai. "How dare you foul the sanctity of a sale."
"It's the truth."
"But it's so cheap," said Lorelai, "They're practically paying us to buy it. It's like 'hello, you look cold, here is a jacket, take some cash too'."
"I think you've gotten it confused with the Salvation Army."
"Come on," Lorelai nudged him on the shoulder gently, "Try it on. Try it."
"I'll try it once," said Luke reluctantly, "Then you will quit it with the jacket."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, as she helped him wear the leather jacket. She took a step back and tilted her head, looking at Luke. "Oh, I think we should get it."
"We're not getting it," said Luke, taking the jacket off, "And I've tried it, so enough about the jacket. We're here to get clothing for the auction. Why do you have to make things so complicated?"
"Gee, I don't know, Avril."
"What?"
"Come on, wear it again, and this time turn around." Lorelai took the jacket from him and hung it out in front of her.
"I'm not your Ken doll."
"You could learn a lot from him in terms of subservient behavior," said Lorelai. "Come on. Wear it."
"No."
"Wear it."
"Can we go?"
"Wear it!"
"Stop it, people are staring at us," said Luke, looking around. "And, great, the salesgirl is heading over here."
"Oh, I hate salesgirls, they always ask whether they can help me. Get rid of her."
"I'm not going to …" Luke stopped in mid-sentence when the salesgirl approached them.
Smiling brightly, she greeted them. "Hello. Is there anything I can help the two of you with?"
"Actually, yes," said Lorelai, reaching out to the sales rack nearby and randomly picking out two shirts. "We can't decide on which one looks better. Green or blue? I'm thinking blue, but Stubborn Head wants green."
"What did you call me?" Luke asked.
"Blue or green?" Lorelai practically shoved the two shirts in the salesgirl's face.
"I think, maybe blue," the girl said, after careful examination. She looked at Luke, "Your girlfriend has very good taste. These shirts are actually our newest arrivals."
"She's not my girlfriend."
"I'm not?" Lorelai gasped. "Are you breaking up with me?"
"No," said Luke, "Because you can't br…"
"I can't believe this," Lorelai waved her hands dramatically, pretending to cry, "You're dumping me? Here? Now? Why? Is it because of that slut Lorna Miller?"
"Who is Lorna Miller? What are you doing?" Luke was confused and also slightly embarrassed, since the salesgirl was looking on in amazement.
"You're breaking up with me!"
"I am not breaking up with you, Lorelai, I'm …"
"Maybe I should go," said the salesgirl, uncomfortably inching away from them.
"Maybe you should," said Lorelai, between fake tears. "Go, run along. We need to be alone."
The salesgirl nodded sympathetically and walked off.
"And that is how you get rid of salesgirls," Lorelai rubbed her hands together. "I think she won't be in a hurry to come and talk to us anytime soon. Come on, let's get you some clothes."
"What the hell was that?" Luke asked, following her. "I hope you realized you've just made the both of us look like complete idiots."
"Yes, but we're complete idiots who can do our shopping in peace," said Lorelai. "You're lucky I didn't slap you, I was thinking about doing that for dramatic effect, but I didn't want to draw too much attention."
"Oh, right, because *that* would have caused a scene."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, "So what do you want to get first? Pants? Shirt? Tie? Suit? Shoes? Belt? Oh, the choices are endless. I feel like I'm in Disneyland. I'm all giddy."
"At least one of us is having fun."
"Come on Luke, turn that smile upside down," said Lorelai, "And look at this beautiful pinstripe suit. Nothing says sophistication more than a purple and white striped suit – relive those stylish mobster days with this elegant, classy number. Sixty percent off."
"You're a hundred percent off your rockers," said Luke, "Can we get something normal, please?"
"Or, how about these sexy leather pants," Lorelai pulled a pair out from the rack, "I'm sure you'll be raking up lots of cash for the Statue Fund if you turn out in this. Meow for mommy."
"I am this close to leaving you here and driving home."
"I promise I'll be good," Lorelai pleaded. "Look, there are some really nice pants over there. Let's go look-see."
Lorelai rushed over to the pants section, looking at the various pieces of clothing, ooh-ing and aah-ing all the way, while Luke stayed a considerable distance away from her and the rack.
"Which one do you like better?" said Lorelai, holding out two pairs of pants in front of her. "This one, or this?"
"They look the same to me."
"Layman," scoffed Lorelai. She held out the pair in her right hand. "This has a different cutting from the other one. Can't you tell? Even the pleats are all different."
"I don't know, Lorelai. They look the same."
"Pick one."
"I don't know. You pick."
"I'm not going to be wearing them. You pick the one you like."
"I told you, they look the same."
"Pick one!"
"I don't …"
"PICK!"
"You're going to cause a scene again," said Luke.
"Just pick, Luke. It's not like you're looking for something that requires a considerable amount of thought, like a wife or a donut. The faster you pick the one you like, the faster we get to buy it, and the faster we can get out of here. Isn't that what you want?"
"Okay, fine," said Luke, "The second one."
"This?" Lorelai held it out to confirm.
"Erm, yeah."
"Are you crazy?" Lorelai nearly screeched. "Or are you just blind? How could you pick this?"
"You told me to pick the one I liked, and that's the one," Luke retorted, "What's wrong with it?"
"I was just testing you. And you have failed, I now declare you an unfit shopper," said Lorelai. She put the offensive pair of pants back on the rack and replaced it with another. "Here, take these two and try them on."
"Why do I have to try them on? Just get them."
Lorelai gasped. "You *always* try things on before you buy them. Haven't you ever bought a beautiful, silk dress that you think would look perfect on you, but when you got home and tried it you realize you look like Liza Minelli after a continental buffet breakfast?"
"I can confidently say that I haven't."
"Just go and try them on," said Lorelai, "And let me have a look. The changing room's over there."
Luke gave her a look and reluctantly took the two pairs of pants from her and slung them over his arm. He walked over to the dressing room, followed by Lorelai. He stopped, and turned around. "What are you doing?"
"I'm going in with you, so I can watch you change and see all your naughty bits." Lorelai paused after she saw Luke's face. "Gee, I'm just joking. Pop a Prozac, will you?"
Luke made a noise that could only be described as an inaudible grunt, and shuffled into the dressing room, slamming the door behind him.
Lorelai decided to entertain herself by browsing through the nearby rack, humming to herself. She was looking through what seemed to be a very interesting pair of snakeskin pants when she heard a familiar voice call out to her. "Lorelai?"
She looked up. "Mom?"
* to be continued*
A/N: Yeah, I love throwing Emily in there. I don't know why. I just have to have Emily there. If there's no Emily in the fic, I feel depressed, then I start taking my Valium, and then everybody starts looking like fuzzy animals with clown faces. Please help me.
"I'm here, I'm here," said Lorelai as she barged into the diner, obviously uninterested the people in it were staring at her as if she were a lunatic. She walked up to Luke, who was taking orders from a young couple sitting in the corner. She tapped him on the shoulder. "Come on Luke, put on a sparkling shirt and your best pair of walking shoes, because we're going a-shopping."
"Do you mind?" Luke asked. "I'm in the middle of taking orders here."
"Sorry," said Lorelai. She paused for a moment, before piping up again. "Are you done yet?"
"No, I'm not. Go sit at the counter for a while."
"I don't want to."
"You can have a free donut while you're waiting."
"Bye," said Lorelai as she went over to the counter. She picked up a nice, juicy looking donut and put it on a plate. "Yum."
"What are you doing?" said Jess, popping up from under the counter. "Those aren't free, you know."
"Gah!" Lorelai nearly dropped her donut. "What the crap? Don't pop up from under counters. It's very eerie, only murderers do that, and you nearly made me drop my donut."
"The donut you didn't pay for."
"Since when were you the poster boy for capitalism?"
"Look," said Jess, "I got into trouble with Uncle Luke the last time I gave out free food."
"You gave out free food? To whom?"
"None of your business," Jess answered, "But she was totally worth it. Not that Luke cares though. So put your hands in the air and put that donut back slowly."
"Luke said I could have it," said Lorelai, biting into her donut nonchalantly, "So don't worry about it. Mmm. It tastes much better when you don't have to pay for it."
"So it's all right when he does it."
"Newsflash, he owns the place," said Lorelai.
"What are you doing, here anyways?" Jess asked bluntly, "I think there are some rabbits out there missing their cheerful disposition."
"Don't you have a school to burn down or something?"
"Been there, done that."
Luke walked up to them and tore off the front sheet of his notepad and slid it to Jess. "Take this to Caesar, and tell him to take over for the day. I'm heading out."
"Where are you going?"
"We're going shopping," said Lorelai, getting up. "We need to get him new clothes for the bachelor auction tomorrow. Flannel is so out."
Jess did his best not to hide his amusement. "You're taking part in that stupid bachelor auction?"
"It's just to get Taylor to shut up," said Luke quickly, not eager to hear what Jess had to say about this. He headed out the door. Lorelai followed him. "It's just a one time thing."
"Nah, I don't think so," said Jess quietly as he watched the two of them leave. "It never is."
*
"So, let me get this clear with you, so there are no misunderstandings," said Luke, as they walked into the men's department. "We get in, we pick something, we buy it, and we get out."
"Then what's the point?"
"The point is to buy something for me to wear tomorrow, not try on their entire fall collection," said Luke, looking around. "God, I can't believe I'm in a mall."
"But this scarf is so pretty," said Lorelai, picking up a brown scarf from the rack nearby and rubbing it against her cheek. "It's so soft, I feel reborn. Touch it."
"I'm not touching it. You don't know how many people have laid their grubby hands on it."
"Come on, put it against your cheek," said Lorelai, holding out the scarf, "Caress it. Let it speak to you. Listen to the scarf."
"I am, and right now it's saying 'let me go you crazy nut'."
"Scarves don't talk like that," said Lorelai, putting it back. "If you don't like it, just say so."
"I don't like it."
"Why would you say something like that?!"
"Look," Luke sighed, "Can we just go and get what we're looking for?"
"Ah, but you're forgetting the real experience behind shopping in a mall," said Lorelai, "It's not what you're looking for, it's what you aren't looking for but is conveniently on sale. Like this beautiful, leather jacket." She held out the jacket in front of him.
"We're not here to get a leather jacket."
"But it's fifty percent off," said Lorelai. "That means, you're only paying for half."
"Thank you, I was not aware of that," said Luke sarcastically, "But in case you don't know, they probably hiked up the prices last month, so when they tell you it's fifty percent off, you're actually paying the same as you would have before the sale... if not more."
"Blasphemy!" said Lorelai. "How dare you foul the sanctity of a sale."
"It's the truth."
"But it's so cheap," said Lorelai, "They're practically paying us to buy it. It's like 'hello, you look cold, here is a jacket, take some cash too'."
"I think you've gotten it confused with the Salvation Army."
"Come on," Lorelai nudged him on the shoulder gently, "Try it on. Try it."
"I'll try it once," said Luke reluctantly, "Then you will quit it with the jacket."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, as she helped him wear the leather jacket. She took a step back and tilted her head, looking at Luke. "Oh, I think we should get it."
"We're not getting it," said Luke, taking the jacket off, "And I've tried it, so enough about the jacket. We're here to get clothing for the auction. Why do you have to make things so complicated?"
"Gee, I don't know, Avril."
"What?"
"Come on, wear it again, and this time turn around." Lorelai took the jacket from him and hung it out in front of her.
"I'm not your Ken doll."
"You could learn a lot from him in terms of subservient behavior," said Lorelai. "Come on. Wear it."
"No."
"Wear it."
"Can we go?"
"Wear it!"
"Stop it, people are staring at us," said Luke, looking around. "And, great, the salesgirl is heading over here."
"Oh, I hate salesgirls, they always ask whether they can help me. Get rid of her."
"I'm not going to …" Luke stopped in mid-sentence when the salesgirl approached them.
Smiling brightly, she greeted them. "Hello. Is there anything I can help the two of you with?"
"Actually, yes," said Lorelai, reaching out to the sales rack nearby and randomly picking out two shirts. "We can't decide on which one looks better. Green or blue? I'm thinking blue, but Stubborn Head wants green."
"What did you call me?" Luke asked.
"Blue or green?" Lorelai practically shoved the two shirts in the salesgirl's face.
"I think, maybe blue," the girl said, after careful examination. She looked at Luke, "Your girlfriend has very good taste. These shirts are actually our newest arrivals."
"She's not my girlfriend."
"I'm not?" Lorelai gasped. "Are you breaking up with me?"
"No," said Luke, "Because you can't br…"
"I can't believe this," Lorelai waved her hands dramatically, pretending to cry, "You're dumping me? Here? Now? Why? Is it because of that slut Lorna Miller?"
"Who is Lorna Miller? What are you doing?" Luke was confused and also slightly embarrassed, since the salesgirl was looking on in amazement.
"You're breaking up with me!"
"I am not breaking up with you, Lorelai, I'm …"
"Maybe I should go," said the salesgirl, uncomfortably inching away from them.
"Maybe you should," said Lorelai, between fake tears. "Go, run along. We need to be alone."
The salesgirl nodded sympathetically and walked off.
"And that is how you get rid of salesgirls," Lorelai rubbed her hands together. "I think she won't be in a hurry to come and talk to us anytime soon. Come on, let's get you some clothes."
"What the hell was that?" Luke asked, following her. "I hope you realized you've just made the both of us look like complete idiots."
"Yes, but we're complete idiots who can do our shopping in peace," said Lorelai. "You're lucky I didn't slap you, I was thinking about doing that for dramatic effect, but I didn't want to draw too much attention."
"Oh, right, because *that* would have caused a scene."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, "So what do you want to get first? Pants? Shirt? Tie? Suit? Shoes? Belt? Oh, the choices are endless. I feel like I'm in Disneyland. I'm all giddy."
"At least one of us is having fun."
"Come on Luke, turn that smile upside down," said Lorelai, "And look at this beautiful pinstripe suit. Nothing says sophistication more than a purple and white striped suit – relive those stylish mobster days with this elegant, classy number. Sixty percent off."
"You're a hundred percent off your rockers," said Luke, "Can we get something normal, please?"
"Or, how about these sexy leather pants," Lorelai pulled a pair out from the rack, "I'm sure you'll be raking up lots of cash for the Statue Fund if you turn out in this. Meow for mommy."
"I am this close to leaving you here and driving home."
"I promise I'll be good," Lorelai pleaded. "Look, there are some really nice pants over there. Let's go look-see."
Lorelai rushed over to the pants section, looking at the various pieces of clothing, ooh-ing and aah-ing all the way, while Luke stayed a considerable distance away from her and the rack.
"Which one do you like better?" said Lorelai, holding out two pairs of pants in front of her. "This one, or this?"
"They look the same to me."
"Layman," scoffed Lorelai. She held out the pair in her right hand. "This has a different cutting from the other one. Can't you tell? Even the pleats are all different."
"I don't know, Lorelai. They look the same."
"Pick one."
"I don't know. You pick."
"I'm not going to be wearing them. You pick the one you like."
"I told you, they look the same."
"Pick one!"
"I don't …"
"PICK!"
"You're going to cause a scene again," said Luke.
"Just pick, Luke. It's not like you're looking for something that requires a considerable amount of thought, like a wife or a donut. The faster you pick the one you like, the faster we get to buy it, and the faster we can get out of here. Isn't that what you want?"
"Okay, fine," said Luke, "The second one."
"This?" Lorelai held it out to confirm.
"Erm, yeah."
"Are you crazy?" Lorelai nearly screeched. "Or are you just blind? How could you pick this?"
"You told me to pick the one I liked, and that's the one," Luke retorted, "What's wrong with it?"
"I was just testing you. And you have failed, I now declare you an unfit shopper," said Lorelai. She put the offensive pair of pants back on the rack and replaced it with another. "Here, take these two and try them on."
"Why do I have to try them on? Just get them."
Lorelai gasped. "You *always* try things on before you buy them. Haven't you ever bought a beautiful, silk dress that you think would look perfect on you, but when you got home and tried it you realize you look like Liza Minelli after a continental buffet breakfast?"
"I can confidently say that I haven't."
"Just go and try them on," said Lorelai, "And let me have a look. The changing room's over there."
Luke gave her a look and reluctantly took the two pairs of pants from her and slung them over his arm. He walked over to the dressing room, followed by Lorelai. He stopped, and turned around. "What are you doing?"
"I'm going in with you, so I can watch you change and see all your naughty bits." Lorelai paused after she saw Luke's face. "Gee, I'm just joking. Pop a Prozac, will you?"
Luke made a noise that could only be described as an inaudible grunt, and shuffled into the dressing room, slamming the door behind him.
Lorelai decided to entertain herself by browsing through the nearby rack, humming to herself. She was looking through what seemed to be a very interesting pair of snakeskin pants when she heard a familiar voice call out to her. "Lorelai?"
She looked up. "Mom?"
* to be continued*
A/N: Yeah, I love throwing Emily in there. I don't know why. I just have to have Emily there. If there's no Emily in the fic, I feel depressed, then I start taking my Valium, and then everybody starts looking like fuzzy animals with clown faces. Please help me.