"Oh" was all a stunned Mac could say. He remembered the deal, he was serious about it. She hadn't ever really doubted his sincerity, he always kept his promises, but part of her thought it wouldn't ever be brought up, that too many chances between them had gone by.
Her incredibility was obviously showing in her expression.
"What Mac? You do still want to... don't you?" He asked her as he reached out to touch her cheek.
"Yes, of course, but... I, I just..." Mac fumbled for words, not exactly knowing how to respond to his words and his gentle touch.
"Okay, then would you even consider having an a.... doing what Singer did?" he reformed his previous question again. There was a moment of silence as she considered her answer, his hand was still on her cheek, his eyes searching hers.
"No, not a child you and I made. I couldn't… couldn't do it again." She had wanted to keep eye contact, but lost her courage as she considered what his reaction to her admission would be. He wouldn't miss it that was for sure, but she didn't think she had enough strength to see condemnation of her in his eyes.
He was filled with relief at her 'no', but then the 'again' filtered through to him as he watched her shift her gaze to the floor. She had an abortion? Who's? When? Why? The questions raced through his mind, further sending his emotions into confusion.
As the moments passed, and he hadn't moved or said anything, Mac couldn't take the silence. She took his hesitation to show his disappoint and disapproval of what she had done, of her. She took a step back.
"I….." was all she could get out as she turned and decided that a quick exit was best for the both of them.
"Wait, Mac…." Harm said as he realized her intent. He reached out and grabbed her arm, immediately sorry as he saw the startled fear in her eyes. "It… I just didn't know, I mean, and…. Okay, so I don't necessarily think it is a right thing to do, but I don't know the circumstances that you faced, and, don't go, please?" he asked, releasing her and taking a few steps back to his couch.
She knew he must be wondering whose the child was, when and why. She was still stunned that she had actually told him. She had never spoken about it to anyone, anyone that was still alive. The doctor who performed it knew, and Eddie. Eddie was dead a few months later and it was just one more bad childhood memory she tried to put in her past. Maybe it was time though. Perhaps it would help her, perhaps it would help Harm understand that it wasn't a choice that was taken lightly by anyone- either they realized that prior, or had to learn to deal with it after, even though her circumstances were completely different from the circumstances Singer faced.
She followed him to the couch and after he sat, she sat facing him.
"I was 17 years old, Harm, I was still drinking. The child was Eddie's. We didn't exactly have many options. I didn't want to bring another human being into what was my existence then. Eddie and I weren't exactly parent material at the time, nor could we have supported the child. At the time, I did it because it was an accident, I didn't mean to get pregnant and we saw it as a way out. That was the kind of person I was, the person I was when I was drinking. Looking back, I can explain it by saying that Eddie and I were incapable of being parents, that we couldn't afford it, that I didn't want another person to suffer as I was in my life at the time. I could even say that I didn't want the child to be burdened with the effects of the alcohol I was drinking and that was why I didn't even consider adoption, but that wasn't the case. It is something that I have never forgotten, that I will never forget. I regret the decision, but it was made. That is what I am trying to tell you Harm. It is done. Singer will have to deal with the consequences that will follow. Someday, at some point, she will regret it, and I feel for her, that she felt this was the only option." Mac explained, relieved at finding no signs of condemnation coming from Harm's gaze, although a bit uncertain where things stood because she could determine nothing else from gaze. Again, the moments of silence as he kept looking at her, his face a perfect mask on his emotions, started to wear on her.
"Harm…."
"I don't know what to say Mac. I guess I can understand now why you keep saying it is a woman's right to choose, but it wasn't necessary for her to do that, there weren't issues of health defects here, or, even as I can hardly picture Singer with a child, issues of inability to take care of a child. Singer isn't a child herself, she isn't 17, she is a grown woman. She didn't even tell the father of her child that she was pregnant. She didn't get his input on whether or not she should have the child." He reached out and wiped a few tears that were making their way down Mac's face.
"I don't know what to say to you either Harm." She said, holding onto his hand as he finished wiping the tears away. "You need to come to terms with this, and I don't know what to say or do to help you, and…." Mac stopped. She was too emotional to say anything else. She didn't dare, she didn't know what would come out, and right now, Harm needed a friend, not the person he had encountered on an Australian ferry. She slipped her hand from his and looked at the floor.
"Yes?" he questioned after it appeared she was not going to continue.
"What?"
"You were going to say something else…. You didn't know what to say or do to help me "and"" He prompted, not entirely sure why he was pursuing it.
She almost tried to put him off by saying she forgot, but looking into those blue-green eyes that were looking to her for understanding, comfort, explanations, seeing him so emotionally open, she told him.
"I was going to say that it bothers me because I can't stand to see you hurting like this." Seeing shock in his eyes, she continued, "Earlier today, when I was in your office, your hands were shaking. I have only seen you shake like that once before, when we were in Russia. I didn't know what to say or do then and it was hurting just as much."
"You did know what to do." He said to her. "You came up beside me and stood there with me, holding my hand. I wanted…." He stopped, not daring to say anymore. Things were right between them, he didn't want to mess things up and he wasn't sure how she would take what he had really wanted from her then, and even now.
"What Harm? What did you want?
He decided that the floor was an interesting spot as she had before. He wasn't sure what or why he was about to say this, so much was at stake.
"I wanted you to hold me that night. I couldn't sleep, all the noises in that old farmhouse, the strangeness, the emptiness I felt although I had finally found out what happened to my father. I needed you closer than the guestroom down the hall. I knew I didn't have the right to ask that from you though." He felt tears return to his eyes as he remembered that night.
"I would have, if I had thought that was what you wanted. I didn't sleep either that night. I was too worried about you. I almost came to your room a few times, but didn't dare. I would have held you, and as my friend you had the right to ask that of me." She assured him.
"No, I didn't. I…" his face was slowly turning a deep red, but he continued, "I probably would have wanted more than just to have you hold me, and that I certainly didn't have a right to."
Her faced matched his in color as she realized exactly what he was saying, but before she could stop herself, she heard herself say, "Do you want me to hold you tonight?" Not sure herself if what she was offering him was "more than holding" or even if that was a good idea. She knew she loved him, and wasn't sure how she would take a night with him only to find out he didn't feel the same way, but was just looking for a way to block everything out for a bit.
"Do you know what you are asking?" he asked. Determined that she know this, if they actually did more than holding, would not be just about comfort sex. That it was that, but more, that if he let go, and took her to his bed, that it would be in that bed only that either of them would ever belong in. "Do you know that even though I have never told you, that I love you. That you are only woman for me?" He didn't need anymore issues on his plate right now. A night with Mac without her understanding why he needed it and without him knowing why she was willing to offer it wasn't something he wanted to deal with. He had enough to handle with Singer's announcement she had aborted her and Sergei's child.
She gave him a smile, finally knowing that her feelings were not one-sided. He had just told her he loved her, and she was so happy she didn't know whether to cry, scream, or tell him she loved him too. Why was he looking at her like that? She then realized that she had been sitting there for five minutes without saying a word.
"I love you too Harm" she told him, and a smile spread across his face as well, the first one he had given since before Singer had entered his office. He was still upset about her decision, he was still mourning the loss of the child that would have been his niece or nephew, but he knew things were going to be okay because Mac loved him, and she would be there for him for this, and anything else that would happen in his life, as he would be there for her, it was happiness and sorrow mixed with a bittersweet relief and it made him realize how tired he was.
"Let's go to bed Sarah. I am exhausted and I want us to hold each other, okay?" He asked.
She got off the couch and led him to his bed, slipping into the offered sweats and t-shirt and then sliding down into his bed, holding her arms open to him. That night as they just slept, comforted by the other's presence, in an apartment across town, a woman sat at her kitchen table, reading the labels on some prenatal vitamins, and wondering how to alter her clothes as she was going to hide her pregnancy until she could come up with another plan.