FIVE: THE MOTHERSHIP HAS LANDED
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"What are you doing here?" Lorelai asked, clutching the snakeskin pants in her hands tightly.
"Your father needs a new tie," Emily said simply, holding out a tie she had chosen. "And this is apparently the only place that has it in the color he wants it. Why he wants to get his ties from a mall is beyond me. I really don't think you should be buying things to wear from a place that also sells burgers under the same roof. What are you doing here? And why are you holding that? Put that down, it looks like some form of animal carcass."
"These are snakeskin pants," said Lorelai, hanging them back on the rack.
"Are you shopping for something?"
"No, I am reinventing the wheel and I think the mall is a good place to test out my invention."
"I'll ignore that," said Emily quickly, "What are you doing in the men's department? Who are you shopping for?"
Lorelai paused, sensing dangerous territory ahead. "Myself?"
"What?"
"I like the fashion and have very broad shoulders."
"Lorelai, stop talking nonsense," Emily answered. "Are you here with somebody?"
"No," Lorelai lied, "I'm here all by myself. I just came over to look at some snakeskin pants, that's all. I was bored."
"Oh," said Emily, seemingly believing this. "Well, I'll leave you to your browsing, then. I have to get this tie back to Richard."
Lorelai nearly jumped with glee, utterly pleased that her lie had worked. She was about to say goodbye when the salesgirl from earlier approached her. "Excuse me, miss? Your boyfriend wants you to come to the back and look at his pants. I tried to tell him you were talking to somebody, but he didn't want to leave the dressing room."
"Oooh…" Lorelai wondered if there was some way to kill this salesgirl without anybody finding out she did it.
"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken," Emily said, "My daughter's here alone. She said so. My daughter never lies."
"I don't understand," the salesgirl said. "I'm pretty sure that…"
"You must be wrong," Emily insisted, "Because I just asked her, and she said she wasn't with anybody."
"But he just …"
"Well, clearly one of us here must be lying, then," said Emily, glancing sharply at Lorelai. "And I can honestly say it's not me."
"Ugh, I give up," said Lorelai, "All right, all right, I wasn't completely honest with you. I just didn't tell you because you're going to make a big deal out of it, which you're doing right now, by the way."
"Lorelai, don't be ridiculous," said Emily, "I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. If you want to go shopping with a man without telling me about it, that's fine. I mean, you also nearly got married without telling me, so who really cares about shopping anyways?"
"Oh, if you keep on being so subtle, how will I ever get your point?" Lorelai said, following the salesgirl to the dressing rooms. She stopped and turned around when she realized Emily was right behind her. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm following you."
"No, you're not."
"Well, you are walking, and I am proceeding after you, so I believe that, yes, I am following you."
"Didn't you say you have to get that tie back to dad?"
"He can wait a couple of minutes," said Emily. "So, who is this mystery man? Are you going to marry him? Or are you already married, but forgot to tell me?"
"How long do you intend to keep rubbing that in?"
"I'm not rubbing anything in," Emily said, "I'm just merely bringing it up again."
"Ugh, there's no winning with you," Lorelai said through clenched teeth. "Just don't make a big deal out of this , okay? We're just friends."
"Yes, yes."
Lorelai knocked on the door of the dressing room. "Luke? Come out, let me see your pants."
"Oh, it's Luke," said Emily. "I must say I am not surprised."
The dressing room door creaked open and Luke stepped out, wearing one of the pair of pants Lorelai had recommended earlier. "I look like a stock broker."
"You look fine," Lorelai said, looking at him, "And hey, guess who's here? The woman from whose womb I emerged."
"Hello, Luke," said Emily, who was also sizing him up. "I see my daughter is helping you shop."
"And the mothership has landed," Lorelai replied quickly, before Luke could say anything, "He needs my help, that's why I'm here."
"Oh, I see," said Emily, nodding her head. "So, his truck must be in the garage, and needed you to give him a lift?"
"What? No."
"Ah, so he injured one of his limbs and he needed you to drive him here?"
"No…"
"Oh, so then he must have gone blind and needed you to pick out the clothes for him?"
"Mom…"
"So, then, what? He's planning on buying the whole store and needs your help to carry everything back to the truck? Yes, I can see how he *needed* your help."
"Mom, you're making a big deal out of this again."
"I'm not making a big deal, I was just trying to see how exactly you *needed* to be in a mall shopping for clothing with a man."
"Standing right here," said Luke.
"Argh," Lorelai tried to suppress her scream, "I'm one axe away from being Lizzie Borden, and really, I don't think forty whacks is enough for you."
"Lorelai! Where you learn to say things like that is beyond me," said Emily.
"I'm thinking, sixty, seventy. Maybe eighty is more appropriate."
"Well, as much fun as this is," said Emily, turning to go "Your father really does need his tie soon. I'll leave you two alone to do your *shopping*. Goodbye Luke, it was nice to see you again."
"Can you believe her?" Lorelai said, after making sure that her mother was out of sight. "And thanks a lot, by the way, for just standing there."
"Excuse me?"
"We're a team, you and I, you're supposed to watch my back, and help me fend her off."
"Well, okay, next time, tell me and I'll pin her down while you punch her," Luke said sarcastically. "She didn't mean anything, I'm sure. From what I hear from you about her, she does this all the time, so you shouldn't really be too bothered by it."
"Blah, blah," said Lorelai, "I don't want to talk about her. Let's talk about your spiffy new pants."
"They're not spiffy. I feel so stupid in them."
"They're beautiful pants," said Lorelai, bending down and feeling his pants. "Ooh, what material is it? It's so soft. I love it."
Luke fidgeted uncomfortably – although he wouldn't deny the fact that Lorelai feeling his pants was somewhat pleasing. "Would you stop that?"
"What?"
"Stop touching me in public."
"Okay," said Lorelai, standing up straight, "But I'm going to assume that means I can touch you in private, Tiger. You know what would go really good with your pretty pants? A pretty shirt. You'll be the prettiest boy in the auction."
"Exactly the image I was going for."
"Stay right there," said Lorelai, "I think I saw something that would look perfect on you."
She rushed off in the direction of where the shirts were, while Luke waited patiently. About ten minutes later, she returned, carrying what seemed to be several pieces of clothing slung over her arm.
"Are you sure you brought enough?" Luke said, looking at the huge selection Lorelai had in her arms. "Because I think you've only got like half of the store in there."
"Haha, you should write comedy for a living," said Lorelai, shoving the first shirt into his arms. "But before you do that, look at this lovely number. Formal, yet comfortable, sophisticated, yet casual, sleek, but not overdone."
"Can it make me fly as well?"
"Just be quiet and put it on," said Lorelai, handing him another shirt, "This is the same thing, only it's in light blue."
"It looks the same."
"It's not," said Lorelai, "If you squint your eyes and look at both of them under a shadow, you will realize that the first one is of a slightly duller shade."
"Great."
"Here's another one," She handed him a third shirt, "It's green, which I think suits you, because I think you are the rightful heir to the throne of Greenpeace."
"Ha."
"Wait, I'm not done yet," Lorelai gave him two shirts this time. "Here's a snazzy, kinda formal uptight piece that will go really well with your 'I hate everybody' attitude, and this one is a sexy white turtleneck."
"I don't wear turtlenecks."
"I'll have you know that there's nothing women find sexier than a man who covers his neck. I think it is the mystery of the unknown."
"Really?"
"Yes, keep that," Lorelai handed him the last of the shirts. "And this shirt is a little pinkish, but it has these cute little frills at the end of the sleeves. I brought it along just to see if I can persuade you to try it on."
"Well, you can't." He gave the pink shirt back to Lorelai.
"It was worth a try, anyways. Go ahead, try them on." said Lorelai. She pushed him into the dressing room and closed the door. "I'll be waiting out here, to make sure you don't run away."
"Yeah, yeah."
He came out later, wearing the first shirt. "I feel weird in this."
"Oh, but you look so nice," said Lorelai, walking around behind him. "It goes really well with your pants, and you seem to carry it well."
"Okay, can we get it and then go?"
"But you haven't even tried on the rest yet."
"For some insane reason , you seem to have forgotten that the auction is tomorrow," said Luke, "I don't have time to try on every single thing you want me to try on. I have to get back to the diner and make sure Jess hasn't accidentally fed rat poison to my customers."
"Fine," said Lorelai, somewhat disappointed that their shopping trip had to be cut short, "But at least make sure it's a good fit before you buy it. Is it?"
"It's all right, I guess," said Luke, eager to change back into his usual clothes.
"Wait," said Lorelai, as she reached forward and started pulling at his shirt at various places. First at his sleeves, and then working her way down to his waist.
"What the hell are you doing now?"
"I'm making sure it fits your form," said Lorelai, "Sometimes you get clothes which seem to fit you fine when you try them on, but actually they're not the right size. You don't want to spend all this time and money only to realize you've made the wrong purchase, now do you?"
Luke, who was secretly enjoying Lorelai's special form-fit testing, decided not to argue with her. "All right, but hurry up."
"I'm done," said Lorelai, standing back and looking at him again, "A perfect fit, if I do say so myself. Just one thing's wrong with this picture, though."
"What?"
"This," said Lorelai, as she stood on her toes, reached over and snatched the baseball cap from his head. "You can't wear a cap with this outfit."
"Hey!" Luke protested, touching the top of his head and combing his hair with his hands. "I like wearing a cap."
"Yes, and we enjoy you looking like some whacked out white rapper cum woodcutter hybrid," said Lorelai, "But the fact of the matter is, formal wear and caps just don't mix. It's like oil and water, or Madonna and acting."
"I get it, but I feel weird without it," said Luke. "Give it back."
"Not yet," said Lorelai, holding it out of his reach, "I want to see how you look without the cap."
"Well, here I am," said Luke, spreading his arms out, "You've seen me, now give me back the cap. Come on."
"Just a minute," said Lorelai, waving it in front of his face, tauntingly.
Luke lunged forward to get the cap, but Lorelai managed to swing it out of the way in time, which only resulted in him almost knocking into her. He caught his balance in time, but Lorelai had to back step to avoid him. She tripped as she took a step back, and nearly fell backwards, but Luke reached out and caught her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her forward towards him. He managed to steady her, holding her close to him.
They both just stood there in that position for a couple of seconds, unaware of just what exactly was going. After a while, however, they realized the situation they were in , and pulled away awkwardly.
"Erm… your cap," said Lorelai, giving it to him.
"Thanks," he mumbled, as he smoothened out his hair, and put it back on.
"No problem," said Lorelai, aware of how stupid this was sounding. "So, we should get to paying for these clothes, huh."
"Yeah… I guess," he answered, his words coming out between pauses. "Just … let me go back and change first."
"I'll be… waiting outside," said Lorelai, walking hastily away from him.
"Okay," he answered softly, as he watched her go.
* to be continued *
NOTE: I've just discovered that I am destined to marry Luke. All of you other people get out of my way.
:)
Important Public Service Announcement:
Get a kitty, get free sandpaper for life!
* back to our programme *
"What are you doing here?" Lorelai asked, clutching the snakeskin pants in her hands tightly.
"Your father needs a new tie," Emily said simply, holding out a tie she had chosen. "And this is apparently the only place that has it in the color he wants it. Why he wants to get his ties from a mall is beyond me. I really don't think you should be buying things to wear from a place that also sells burgers under the same roof. What are you doing here? And why are you holding that? Put that down, it looks like some form of animal carcass."
"These are snakeskin pants," said Lorelai, hanging them back on the rack.
"Are you shopping for something?"
"No, I am reinventing the wheel and I think the mall is a good place to test out my invention."
"I'll ignore that," said Emily quickly, "What are you doing in the men's department? Who are you shopping for?"
Lorelai paused, sensing dangerous territory ahead. "Myself?"
"What?"
"I like the fashion and have very broad shoulders."
"Lorelai, stop talking nonsense," Emily answered. "Are you here with somebody?"
"No," Lorelai lied, "I'm here all by myself. I just came over to look at some snakeskin pants, that's all. I was bored."
"Oh," said Emily, seemingly believing this. "Well, I'll leave you to your browsing, then. I have to get this tie back to Richard."
Lorelai nearly jumped with glee, utterly pleased that her lie had worked. She was about to say goodbye when the salesgirl from earlier approached her. "Excuse me, miss? Your boyfriend wants you to come to the back and look at his pants. I tried to tell him you were talking to somebody, but he didn't want to leave the dressing room."
"Oooh…" Lorelai wondered if there was some way to kill this salesgirl without anybody finding out she did it.
"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken," Emily said, "My daughter's here alone. She said so. My daughter never lies."
"I don't understand," the salesgirl said. "I'm pretty sure that…"
"You must be wrong," Emily insisted, "Because I just asked her, and she said she wasn't with anybody."
"But he just …"
"Well, clearly one of us here must be lying, then," said Emily, glancing sharply at Lorelai. "And I can honestly say it's not me."
"Ugh, I give up," said Lorelai, "All right, all right, I wasn't completely honest with you. I just didn't tell you because you're going to make a big deal out of it, which you're doing right now, by the way."
"Lorelai, don't be ridiculous," said Emily, "I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. If you want to go shopping with a man without telling me about it, that's fine. I mean, you also nearly got married without telling me, so who really cares about shopping anyways?"
"Oh, if you keep on being so subtle, how will I ever get your point?" Lorelai said, following the salesgirl to the dressing rooms. She stopped and turned around when she realized Emily was right behind her. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm following you."
"No, you're not."
"Well, you are walking, and I am proceeding after you, so I believe that, yes, I am following you."
"Didn't you say you have to get that tie back to dad?"
"He can wait a couple of minutes," said Emily. "So, who is this mystery man? Are you going to marry him? Or are you already married, but forgot to tell me?"
"How long do you intend to keep rubbing that in?"
"I'm not rubbing anything in," Emily said, "I'm just merely bringing it up again."
"Ugh, there's no winning with you," Lorelai said through clenched teeth. "Just don't make a big deal out of this , okay? We're just friends."
"Yes, yes."
Lorelai knocked on the door of the dressing room. "Luke? Come out, let me see your pants."
"Oh, it's Luke," said Emily. "I must say I am not surprised."
The dressing room door creaked open and Luke stepped out, wearing one of the pair of pants Lorelai had recommended earlier. "I look like a stock broker."
"You look fine," Lorelai said, looking at him, "And hey, guess who's here? The woman from whose womb I emerged."
"Hello, Luke," said Emily, who was also sizing him up. "I see my daughter is helping you shop."
"And the mothership has landed," Lorelai replied quickly, before Luke could say anything, "He needs my help, that's why I'm here."
"Oh, I see," said Emily, nodding her head. "So, his truck must be in the garage, and needed you to give him a lift?"
"What? No."
"Ah, so he injured one of his limbs and he needed you to drive him here?"
"No…"
"Oh, so then he must have gone blind and needed you to pick out the clothes for him?"
"Mom…"
"So, then, what? He's planning on buying the whole store and needs your help to carry everything back to the truck? Yes, I can see how he *needed* your help."
"Mom, you're making a big deal out of this again."
"I'm not making a big deal, I was just trying to see how exactly you *needed* to be in a mall shopping for clothing with a man."
"Standing right here," said Luke.
"Argh," Lorelai tried to suppress her scream, "I'm one axe away from being Lizzie Borden, and really, I don't think forty whacks is enough for you."
"Lorelai! Where you learn to say things like that is beyond me," said Emily.
"I'm thinking, sixty, seventy. Maybe eighty is more appropriate."
"Well, as much fun as this is," said Emily, turning to go "Your father really does need his tie soon. I'll leave you two alone to do your *shopping*. Goodbye Luke, it was nice to see you again."
"Can you believe her?" Lorelai said, after making sure that her mother was out of sight. "And thanks a lot, by the way, for just standing there."
"Excuse me?"
"We're a team, you and I, you're supposed to watch my back, and help me fend her off."
"Well, okay, next time, tell me and I'll pin her down while you punch her," Luke said sarcastically. "She didn't mean anything, I'm sure. From what I hear from you about her, she does this all the time, so you shouldn't really be too bothered by it."
"Blah, blah," said Lorelai, "I don't want to talk about her. Let's talk about your spiffy new pants."
"They're not spiffy. I feel so stupid in them."
"They're beautiful pants," said Lorelai, bending down and feeling his pants. "Ooh, what material is it? It's so soft. I love it."
Luke fidgeted uncomfortably – although he wouldn't deny the fact that Lorelai feeling his pants was somewhat pleasing. "Would you stop that?"
"What?"
"Stop touching me in public."
"Okay," said Lorelai, standing up straight, "But I'm going to assume that means I can touch you in private, Tiger. You know what would go really good with your pretty pants? A pretty shirt. You'll be the prettiest boy in the auction."
"Exactly the image I was going for."
"Stay right there," said Lorelai, "I think I saw something that would look perfect on you."
She rushed off in the direction of where the shirts were, while Luke waited patiently. About ten minutes later, she returned, carrying what seemed to be several pieces of clothing slung over her arm.
"Are you sure you brought enough?" Luke said, looking at the huge selection Lorelai had in her arms. "Because I think you've only got like half of the store in there."
"Haha, you should write comedy for a living," said Lorelai, shoving the first shirt into his arms. "But before you do that, look at this lovely number. Formal, yet comfortable, sophisticated, yet casual, sleek, but not overdone."
"Can it make me fly as well?"
"Just be quiet and put it on," said Lorelai, handing him another shirt, "This is the same thing, only it's in light blue."
"It looks the same."
"It's not," said Lorelai, "If you squint your eyes and look at both of them under a shadow, you will realize that the first one is of a slightly duller shade."
"Great."
"Here's another one," She handed him a third shirt, "It's green, which I think suits you, because I think you are the rightful heir to the throne of Greenpeace."
"Ha."
"Wait, I'm not done yet," Lorelai gave him two shirts this time. "Here's a snazzy, kinda formal uptight piece that will go really well with your 'I hate everybody' attitude, and this one is a sexy white turtleneck."
"I don't wear turtlenecks."
"I'll have you know that there's nothing women find sexier than a man who covers his neck. I think it is the mystery of the unknown."
"Really?"
"Yes, keep that," Lorelai handed him the last of the shirts. "And this shirt is a little pinkish, but it has these cute little frills at the end of the sleeves. I brought it along just to see if I can persuade you to try it on."
"Well, you can't." He gave the pink shirt back to Lorelai.
"It was worth a try, anyways. Go ahead, try them on." said Lorelai. She pushed him into the dressing room and closed the door. "I'll be waiting out here, to make sure you don't run away."
"Yeah, yeah."
He came out later, wearing the first shirt. "I feel weird in this."
"Oh, but you look so nice," said Lorelai, walking around behind him. "It goes really well with your pants, and you seem to carry it well."
"Okay, can we get it and then go?"
"But you haven't even tried on the rest yet."
"For some insane reason , you seem to have forgotten that the auction is tomorrow," said Luke, "I don't have time to try on every single thing you want me to try on. I have to get back to the diner and make sure Jess hasn't accidentally fed rat poison to my customers."
"Fine," said Lorelai, somewhat disappointed that their shopping trip had to be cut short, "But at least make sure it's a good fit before you buy it. Is it?"
"It's all right, I guess," said Luke, eager to change back into his usual clothes.
"Wait," said Lorelai, as she reached forward and started pulling at his shirt at various places. First at his sleeves, and then working her way down to his waist.
"What the hell are you doing now?"
"I'm making sure it fits your form," said Lorelai, "Sometimes you get clothes which seem to fit you fine when you try them on, but actually they're not the right size. You don't want to spend all this time and money only to realize you've made the wrong purchase, now do you?"
Luke, who was secretly enjoying Lorelai's special form-fit testing, decided not to argue with her. "All right, but hurry up."
"I'm done," said Lorelai, standing back and looking at him again, "A perfect fit, if I do say so myself. Just one thing's wrong with this picture, though."
"What?"
"This," said Lorelai, as she stood on her toes, reached over and snatched the baseball cap from his head. "You can't wear a cap with this outfit."
"Hey!" Luke protested, touching the top of his head and combing his hair with his hands. "I like wearing a cap."
"Yes, and we enjoy you looking like some whacked out white rapper cum woodcutter hybrid," said Lorelai, "But the fact of the matter is, formal wear and caps just don't mix. It's like oil and water, or Madonna and acting."
"I get it, but I feel weird without it," said Luke. "Give it back."
"Not yet," said Lorelai, holding it out of his reach, "I want to see how you look without the cap."
"Well, here I am," said Luke, spreading his arms out, "You've seen me, now give me back the cap. Come on."
"Just a minute," said Lorelai, waving it in front of his face, tauntingly.
Luke lunged forward to get the cap, but Lorelai managed to swing it out of the way in time, which only resulted in him almost knocking into her. He caught his balance in time, but Lorelai had to back step to avoid him. She tripped as she took a step back, and nearly fell backwards, but Luke reached out and caught her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her forward towards him. He managed to steady her, holding her close to him.
They both just stood there in that position for a couple of seconds, unaware of just what exactly was going. After a while, however, they realized the situation they were in , and pulled away awkwardly.
"Erm… your cap," said Lorelai, giving it to him.
"Thanks," he mumbled, as he smoothened out his hair, and put it back on.
"No problem," said Lorelai, aware of how stupid this was sounding. "So, we should get to paying for these clothes, huh."
"Yeah… I guess," he answered, his words coming out between pauses. "Just … let me go back and change first."
"I'll be… waiting outside," said Lorelai, walking hastily away from him.
"Okay," he answered softly, as he watched her go.
* to be continued *
NOTE: I've just discovered that I am destined to marry Luke. All of you other people get out of my way.
:)