SIX: ANNE HECHE WANTS HER PERSONALITY BACK
"Here you go," said Luke, as he handed her the shirt and pants he had tried on earlier.
"Thank you," Lorelai answered cheerfully, taking it from him and slinging them over her left arm. The both of them seemed to have decided the best way to deal with the awkward situation from before was to pretend it never happened. They walked over to the cashier. "Credit card, please."
Luke took out the card from his wallet and handed it to Lorelai.
"Ah, hello my friend, it has been a while," she spoke to the credit card, before kissing it. The cashier looked on, mildly perturbed at this odd display at affection towards an inanimate object. "Sigh. Remember the days? Every sha-la-la, ever whoa-whoa still shines."
"Stop talking to my credit card. And don't kiss it again." Luke took it snatched the card. The cashier had begun to fold the clothes Lorelai placed on the counter. Luke passes the credit card to the cashier and said: "I don't really know her."
"Will that be all?" The cashier looked up.
"Well, I would like a Big Mac with fries," Lorelai said.
The cashier stared blankly at her and didn't respond.
"Okay, somebody seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the cash register today."
"That will be all," said Luke, cutting in before Lorelai could say anything else. "Thank you."
*
"I still think we should have bought the leather jacket and the leather pants," said Lorelai, as Luke was driving them back to Stars Hollow.
"Thank you, but I prefer wearing something that wasn't actually once part of a cow."
"Oh, please," said Lorelai, "It's not like it's a puppy coat. It's leather. It's perfectly normal. I think the cow would have been happy to die if it knew its skin was going to be converted into a stylish piece of fashion. I would kill one myself if I knew how to harvest its skin into leather."
"Remind me to let the people at PETA give you a call some day."
"Sure. As long as it's not Alicia Silverstone. I swear, she is this close to actually marrying a lettuce." she answered. "You should have at least bought the turtleneck too. It would go perfect with that nice, khaki colored pants you keep hidden at the back of your closet."
"What the hell are you doing looking through my closet?" Luke asked.
"Remember that day, when you couldn't find that important document and you asked me to help you look? Well, I wasn't actually helping, I was going through your closet and looking at all your pretty clothes under the pretense of helping you look. And while we're on that topic, I must say, I also never figured you to be a lemon yellow shirt wearing kind of guy."
"One of my aunts gave that to me for a Christmas present."
"Would this be the same aunt that also gave you that Star Trek shirt?"
"As a matter of fact no," Luke said calmly.
"You seem to have many aunts who hate you."
"Next time, just stay out of my closet."
"Ooh, so authoritative, so scary," said Lorelai, waving her hands about dramatically. "I'm shivering in my boots."
"Also made from cow."
"Well, I would wear another pair, but I think Rory ate my potato boots this morning."
"You're unbelievable, you know."
"It's incredible how someone so unbelievable thinks that I am unbelievable too," said Lorelai.
"Unforgettable."
"What?"
"The word is unforgettable."
"What?"
"It's unforgettable, not unbelievable. If you're going to try to be witty, at least use the right words."
"Funny, ha , ha, I'm almost out of breath from all that not laughing," said Lorelai, as Luke pulled up on their driveway. She paused, and looked out the window, pointing at the garden. "What is Rory doing out there?"
Luke pulled his truck into park and looked to where Lorelai was pointing. "I don't know."
"That girl gets stranger and stranger each day," said Lorelai, getting out of the truck and walking towards Rory, followed closely by Luke.
Rory was kneeling in the garden, her jeans stained with mud. She was sifting through the grass, and staring intently at the ground. She seemed so focused in her task that she did not realize Lorelai and Luke come up to her.
"Sweetie, what are you doing?" Lorelai asked, poking her daughter gently with her foot. "Are you praying? Because unless there's something I don't know about, I really think you're facing the wrong direction."
"What?" Rory looked up. Seeing Luke and Lorelai standing there, she got up and brushed the mud from her jeans hastily. "What are you guys doing back so early? I wasn't expecting you for another four, five hours."
"Yeah, but Franciso Scowlamanga here decided to cut our trip short," said Lorelai, sadly. "Apparently to him, one hour shopping is more than enough."
"Sacrilegious," Rory said. "Did you guys get anything good?"
"Tons of stuff," said Lorelai. She turned to Luke. "Luke, go get what we bought, and model it in front of Rory."
"What? No." Luke said.
"Ooh, and let her feel your pants," Lorelai turned to Rory. "You have to touch his pants later. It's like heaven at your fingertips."
"There are like a thousand things wrong with that sentence," said Rory. "And I'd rather not."
"I'd rather you not either," said Luke. "I've had enough of that today."
"Thanks for the offer anyhow," said Rory, raising an eyebrow at her mother, curiously.
"Enough about us," said Lorelai, quickly. "Tell me, why are you going through our garden like a Fresno Anne Heche wannabe?"
"You know that necklace Dean gave me?"
"No."
"The one you wanted to borrow but I wouldn't let you?"
"Oh, that one," said Lorelai, "What about it?"
"I seem to have dropped it somewhere," said Rory. "I knew I had it when I was walking back home just now, but when I stepped inside I realized it was gone. So it has to be out here in the garden somewhere."
"Is it me, or are you constantly losing all the things Dean gave you?"
"I don't know," said Rory, sinking to the ground and starting to search again. "It has to be here somewhere. Necklaces don't just vanish into thin air."
"Poor thing," said Lorelai. "Do you want me to help?"
"Yes, that would be great, thanks," Rory answered, turning over a leaf and searching underneath it.
Lorelai nodded, but continued just standing there, looking at Rory.
After several seconds, Rory realized that her mother was not doing anything, and she looked up at her again. "Well?"
"Yes?"
"Aren't you going to help me?"
"Oh, no, sweetie, I don't want to get my clothes dirty," said Lorelai. "I was just being polite earlier."
"Do you want me to help?" Luke volunteered, crouching down. "And when I say help, I actually mean it."
"Hmm, what an interesting concept," said Lorelai.
"No, it's all right," said Rory, "You go back to the diner. I'll find it somehow."
"Are you sure?" Luke asked, standing back up again.
"Sure," said Rory. "I'll see you tomorrow at the auction. Have fun."
Luke nodded, and headed back to his truck.
"Hmm," said Lorelai.
Rory said nothing but continued sifting through the grass.
"Hmm," Lorelai repeated.
Rory sighed and stopped. "Something on your mind?"
"Oh, nothing," said Lorelai. "I just found it interesting how you willingly jumped to accept my help when I asked, but when Luke did the same, you let him off the hook. I say some form of biasness is at hand."
"I didn't want to bother him."
"Yes, but asking your own mother to crawl through mud is perfectly acceptable."
"In what dimension did I ask you to do that?" Rory said.
"Ugh, whatever," said Lorelai. "Do you want me to help you? I'm serious this time. I think."
"No, it's fine," said Rory. "I'll find it somewhere. It can't be far off."
"Thank God," said Lorelai, taking off. "Because I feel tired just looking at you. I'm going to take a shower. Enjoy yourself."
*
"Found it!" Rory yelled as she ran into the house. She couldn't find her mother in the living room, so she headed to the kitchen, where she found Lorelai drinking a cup of coffee and flipping through a random magazine.
"Good for you," Lorelai put her magazine down.
"Yeah, but not only that," Rory dug her hands into her pockets, taking out an assortment of items and placing them on the table in front of Lorelai. "I also found that earring you lost last Christmas, the spare key to the back door, a battery, and a lightbulb."
"Ah, my earring," said Lorelai, picking it up and looking at it in the light. "Now, I will finally have a complete pair, if only I didn't lose the other one last month."
"I also happened to find your copy of 'A Suitable Boy'," Rory put down the heavy book that she had been carrying at the time as well.
"Oh, I was looking for that," said Lorelai, looking warily at the dirty, and worn out book.
"I found it under the porch."
"Well, I can't imagine what it could be doing there."
"You told me you didn't finish reading it because you misplaced it and you couldn't find it."
"And I was telling the truth," said Lorelai, "I misplaced it under the porch."
"Do you know how much this book costs?" Rory waved the book in front of Lorelai.
"There are many pages, and the words are very small."
"You don't hide books you don't like."
"I had difficulty even reading the author's name."
"You could have donated it to a library."
"Is it pronounced Vee-kram? Or Vy-kram?"
"Or to me."
"Vee-kram? Vy-kram? Veek-ram?"
"If you didn't like it," said Rory, "You should have just told me."
" 'A Suitable Boy' – hah. They should have made it a 'suitable length'. Ha, ha."
"I'm reclaiming this book," said Rory, picking it up, "I'm going to clean it, and put it on my shelf, where it will be appreciated. So tell me, how was shopping with Luke? Did he attack anybody? Did that little vein on his forehead start throbbing?"
"No, but mine was when my MOTHER showed up."
"Oh! Grandma was there? What was Grandma doing in a mall?"
"Apparently trying out a few things she read in an article about assisted suicide," said Lorelai. "Get this – she sees Luke, and she totally blows everything out of proportion. She has colonized Molehill Land and renamed it Mountainville."
"I can imagine," Rory sat down, eager to hear the rest of the story. "What did she say?"
"I'm not sure, exactly. I'm pretty sure she spoke English, but when she opened her mouth all I heard was this demonic voice chanting in Latin."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yes, I think she's expecting an invitation to the wedding sometime soon."
"I'm the Maid of Honor, right?"
"Only if Katie Couric can't make it," said Lorelai. "I don't know what is her problem. What, I can't shop with a man without first sleeping with him?"
"Well…" Rory paused after stating that one word.
"Well?!" Lorelai echoed, nearly screeching. "Are you 'well'ing me? You? My own daughter? My own flesh and blood? My daughter?"
"Well," Rory repeated, "You don't exactly seem to be helping yourself."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You said touching him was like heaven at your fingertips."
"It was an expression," insisted Lorelai. "A figure of speech. When I say I could eat a horse, you don't exactly bring me a horse, do you? Gee, I'm beginning to see why you scored so low for your verbal PSATs."
"Heaven at your fingertips," Rory repeated.
"That was totally taken out of context."
"And you are going to bid on him at the auction."
"That doesn't mean anything," said Lorelai. "It's just so that he won't end up with anybody weird that he doesn't like."
"Meaning anybody but you."
"Hey…"
"Heaven."
"Stop it."
"Absolutely heaven."
"You know I didn't mean it that way," said Lorelai, "And if you say one more word about it, I'll ground you and give you nothing to listen to except albums by 98 Degrees and pretty teen boy Aaron Carter."
"Shutting up now," said Rory. She stopped, and looked at the book she was holding. "You know what, maybe I suddenly feel like reading this again."
"Go ahead," said Lorelai. "If you do, between the two of us, we would have read it twice. Wow, that would be a really impressive thing to tell at a party."
"Or," Rory added, "You can tell people about how you can recite the words to 'I'm Your Venus' back to front."
"Or 'Venus Your I'm', as I like to call it. Ha ha!" Lorelai laughed at her own joke.
"I never knew something could be so impressive, and yet so sad at the same time."
"You have much to learn, little one," said Lorelai.
*
NOTE: Okay, so it's an abrupt ending to the chapter, but I couldn't think of any way to end it. The bachelor auction will be the next chapter (I think!), so those of you who couldn't wait for it will be thrilled!
I've been a little lonely lately, so if anybody feels like e-mailing me and telling me what a sad obsessive JavaJunkie I am, you can do so at sweet_serene99@hotmail.com . My inbox has been so empty lately it's sad. Also, don't forget to review. I like reviews. They are like whiskers on kittens.
NOTE2: "Things I Learnt from Jackie Chan" will be updated soon, too. I'm having the block of the writer, which means
my brain really isn't generating thoughts. This is quite usual, and I'm not talking just about writing.
"Here you go," said Luke, as he handed her the shirt and pants he had tried on earlier.
"Thank you," Lorelai answered cheerfully, taking it from him and slinging them over her left arm. The both of them seemed to have decided the best way to deal with the awkward situation from before was to pretend it never happened. They walked over to the cashier. "Credit card, please."
Luke took out the card from his wallet and handed it to Lorelai.
"Ah, hello my friend, it has been a while," she spoke to the credit card, before kissing it. The cashier looked on, mildly perturbed at this odd display at affection towards an inanimate object. "Sigh. Remember the days? Every sha-la-la, ever whoa-whoa still shines."
"Stop talking to my credit card. And don't kiss it again." Luke took it snatched the card. The cashier had begun to fold the clothes Lorelai placed on the counter. Luke passes the credit card to the cashier and said: "I don't really know her."
"Will that be all?" The cashier looked up.
"Well, I would like a Big Mac with fries," Lorelai said.
The cashier stared blankly at her and didn't respond.
"Okay, somebody seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the cash register today."
"That will be all," said Luke, cutting in before Lorelai could say anything else. "Thank you."
*
"I still think we should have bought the leather jacket and the leather pants," said Lorelai, as Luke was driving them back to Stars Hollow.
"Thank you, but I prefer wearing something that wasn't actually once part of a cow."
"Oh, please," said Lorelai, "It's not like it's a puppy coat. It's leather. It's perfectly normal. I think the cow would have been happy to die if it knew its skin was going to be converted into a stylish piece of fashion. I would kill one myself if I knew how to harvest its skin into leather."
"Remind me to let the people at PETA give you a call some day."
"Sure. As long as it's not Alicia Silverstone. I swear, she is this close to actually marrying a lettuce." she answered. "You should have at least bought the turtleneck too. It would go perfect with that nice, khaki colored pants you keep hidden at the back of your closet."
"What the hell are you doing looking through my closet?" Luke asked.
"Remember that day, when you couldn't find that important document and you asked me to help you look? Well, I wasn't actually helping, I was going through your closet and looking at all your pretty clothes under the pretense of helping you look. And while we're on that topic, I must say, I also never figured you to be a lemon yellow shirt wearing kind of guy."
"One of my aunts gave that to me for a Christmas present."
"Would this be the same aunt that also gave you that Star Trek shirt?"
"As a matter of fact no," Luke said calmly.
"You seem to have many aunts who hate you."
"Next time, just stay out of my closet."
"Ooh, so authoritative, so scary," said Lorelai, waving her hands about dramatically. "I'm shivering in my boots."
"Also made from cow."
"Well, I would wear another pair, but I think Rory ate my potato boots this morning."
"You're unbelievable, you know."
"It's incredible how someone so unbelievable thinks that I am unbelievable too," said Lorelai.
"Unforgettable."
"What?"
"The word is unforgettable."
"What?"
"It's unforgettable, not unbelievable. If you're going to try to be witty, at least use the right words."
"Funny, ha , ha, I'm almost out of breath from all that not laughing," said Lorelai, as Luke pulled up on their driveway. She paused, and looked out the window, pointing at the garden. "What is Rory doing out there?"
Luke pulled his truck into park and looked to where Lorelai was pointing. "I don't know."
"That girl gets stranger and stranger each day," said Lorelai, getting out of the truck and walking towards Rory, followed closely by Luke.
Rory was kneeling in the garden, her jeans stained with mud. She was sifting through the grass, and staring intently at the ground. She seemed so focused in her task that she did not realize Lorelai and Luke come up to her.
"Sweetie, what are you doing?" Lorelai asked, poking her daughter gently with her foot. "Are you praying? Because unless there's something I don't know about, I really think you're facing the wrong direction."
"What?" Rory looked up. Seeing Luke and Lorelai standing there, she got up and brushed the mud from her jeans hastily. "What are you guys doing back so early? I wasn't expecting you for another four, five hours."
"Yeah, but Franciso Scowlamanga here decided to cut our trip short," said Lorelai, sadly. "Apparently to him, one hour shopping is more than enough."
"Sacrilegious," Rory said. "Did you guys get anything good?"
"Tons of stuff," said Lorelai. She turned to Luke. "Luke, go get what we bought, and model it in front of Rory."
"What? No." Luke said.
"Ooh, and let her feel your pants," Lorelai turned to Rory. "You have to touch his pants later. It's like heaven at your fingertips."
"There are like a thousand things wrong with that sentence," said Rory. "And I'd rather not."
"I'd rather you not either," said Luke. "I've had enough of that today."
"Thanks for the offer anyhow," said Rory, raising an eyebrow at her mother, curiously.
"Enough about us," said Lorelai, quickly. "Tell me, why are you going through our garden like a Fresno Anne Heche wannabe?"
"You know that necklace Dean gave me?"
"No."
"The one you wanted to borrow but I wouldn't let you?"
"Oh, that one," said Lorelai, "What about it?"
"I seem to have dropped it somewhere," said Rory. "I knew I had it when I was walking back home just now, but when I stepped inside I realized it was gone. So it has to be out here in the garden somewhere."
"Is it me, or are you constantly losing all the things Dean gave you?"
"I don't know," said Rory, sinking to the ground and starting to search again. "It has to be here somewhere. Necklaces don't just vanish into thin air."
"Poor thing," said Lorelai. "Do you want me to help?"
"Yes, that would be great, thanks," Rory answered, turning over a leaf and searching underneath it.
Lorelai nodded, but continued just standing there, looking at Rory.
After several seconds, Rory realized that her mother was not doing anything, and she looked up at her again. "Well?"
"Yes?"
"Aren't you going to help me?"
"Oh, no, sweetie, I don't want to get my clothes dirty," said Lorelai. "I was just being polite earlier."
"Do you want me to help?" Luke volunteered, crouching down. "And when I say help, I actually mean it."
"Hmm, what an interesting concept," said Lorelai.
"No, it's all right," said Rory, "You go back to the diner. I'll find it somehow."
"Are you sure?" Luke asked, standing back up again.
"Sure," said Rory. "I'll see you tomorrow at the auction. Have fun."
Luke nodded, and headed back to his truck.
"Hmm," said Lorelai.
Rory said nothing but continued sifting through the grass.
"Hmm," Lorelai repeated.
Rory sighed and stopped. "Something on your mind?"
"Oh, nothing," said Lorelai. "I just found it interesting how you willingly jumped to accept my help when I asked, but when Luke did the same, you let him off the hook. I say some form of biasness is at hand."
"I didn't want to bother him."
"Yes, but asking your own mother to crawl through mud is perfectly acceptable."
"In what dimension did I ask you to do that?" Rory said.
"Ugh, whatever," said Lorelai. "Do you want me to help you? I'm serious this time. I think."
"No, it's fine," said Rory. "I'll find it somewhere. It can't be far off."
"Thank God," said Lorelai, taking off. "Because I feel tired just looking at you. I'm going to take a shower. Enjoy yourself."
*
"Found it!" Rory yelled as she ran into the house. She couldn't find her mother in the living room, so she headed to the kitchen, where she found Lorelai drinking a cup of coffee and flipping through a random magazine.
"Good for you," Lorelai put her magazine down.
"Yeah, but not only that," Rory dug her hands into her pockets, taking out an assortment of items and placing them on the table in front of Lorelai. "I also found that earring you lost last Christmas, the spare key to the back door, a battery, and a lightbulb."
"Ah, my earring," said Lorelai, picking it up and looking at it in the light. "Now, I will finally have a complete pair, if only I didn't lose the other one last month."
"I also happened to find your copy of 'A Suitable Boy'," Rory put down the heavy book that she had been carrying at the time as well.
"Oh, I was looking for that," said Lorelai, looking warily at the dirty, and worn out book.
"I found it under the porch."
"Well, I can't imagine what it could be doing there."
"You told me you didn't finish reading it because you misplaced it and you couldn't find it."
"And I was telling the truth," said Lorelai, "I misplaced it under the porch."
"Do you know how much this book costs?" Rory waved the book in front of Lorelai.
"There are many pages, and the words are very small."
"You don't hide books you don't like."
"I had difficulty even reading the author's name."
"You could have donated it to a library."
"Is it pronounced Vee-kram? Or Vy-kram?"
"Or to me."
"Vee-kram? Vy-kram? Veek-ram?"
"If you didn't like it," said Rory, "You should have just told me."
" 'A Suitable Boy' – hah. They should have made it a 'suitable length'. Ha, ha."
"I'm reclaiming this book," said Rory, picking it up, "I'm going to clean it, and put it on my shelf, where it will be appreciated. So tell me, how was shopping with Luke? Did he attack anybody? Did that little vein on his forehead start throbbing?"
"No, but mine was when my MOTHER showed up."
"Oh! Grandma was there? What was Grandma doing in a mall?"
"Apparently trying out a few things she read in an article about assisted suicide," said Lorelai. "Get this – she sees Luke, and she totally blows everything out of proportion. She has colonized Molehill Land and renamed it Mountainville."
"I can imagine," Rory sat down, eager to hear the rest of the story. "What did she say?"
"I'm not sure, exactly. I'm pretty sure she spoke English, but when she opened her mouth all I heard was this demonic voice chanting in Latin."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yes, I think she's expecting an invitation to the wedding sometime soon."
"I'm the Maid of Honor, right?"
"Only if Katie Couric can't make it," said Lorelai. "I don't know what is her problem. What, I can't shop with a man without first sleeping with him?"
"Well…" Rory paused after stating that one word.
"Well?!" Lorelai echoed, nearly screeching. "Are you 'well'ing me? You? My own daughter? My own flesh and blood? My daughter?"
"Well," Rory repeated, "You don't exactly seem to be helping yourself."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You said touching him was like heaven at your fingertips."
"It was an expression," insisted Lorelai. "A figure of speech. When I say I could eat a horse, you don't exactly bring me a horse, do you? Gee, I'm beginning to see why you scored so low for your verbal PSATs."
"Heaven at your fingertips," Rory repeated.
"That was totally taken out of context."
"And you are going to bid on him at the auction."
"That doesn't mean anything," said Lorelai. "It's just so that he won't end up with anybody weird that he doesn't like."
"Meaning anybody but you."
"Hey…"
"Heaven."
"Stop it."
"Absolutely heaven."
"You know I didn't mean it that way," said Lorelai, "And if you say one more word about it, I'll ground you and give you nothing to listen to except albums by 98 Degrees and pretty teen boy Aaron Carter."
"Shutting up now," said Rory. She stopped, and looked at the book she was holding. "You know what, maybe I suddenly feel like reading this again."
"Go ahead," said Lorelai. "If you do, between the two of us, we would have read it twice. Wow, that would be a really impressive thing to tell at a party."
"Or," Rory added, "You can tell people about how you can recite the words to 'I'm Your Venus' back to front."
"Or 'Venus Your I'm', as I like to call it. Ha ha!" Lorelai laughed at her own joke.
"I never knew something could be so impressive, and yet so sad at the same time."
"You have much to learn, little one," said Lorelai.
*
NOTE: Okay, so it's an abrupt ending to the chapter, but I couldn't think of any way to end it. The bachelor auction will be the next chapter (I think!), so those of you who couldn't wait for it will be thrilled!
I've been a little lonely lately, so if anybody feels like e-mailing me and telling me what a sad obsessive JavaJunkie I am, you can do so at sweet_serene99@hotmail.com . My inbox has been so empty lately it's sad. Also, don't forget to review. I like reviews. They are like whiskers on kittens.
NOTE2: "Things I Learnt from Jackie Chan" will be updated soon, too. I'm having the block of the writer, which means
my brain really isn't generating thoughts. This is quite usual, and I'm not talking just about writing.