FINALLY, a new chapter! Didn't think it'd take this long, did you?
I blame it on J. Edgar Hoover. Don't ask me why. I just do.
---
SEVEN: I'll Take "Things That Don't Belong In An Auction" For $500
"Hurry up, Rory!" said Lorelai, flinging the door open and waiting out on the porch. "If we get any later we're going to miss the auction."
"I'm coming," Rory called down, running down the stairs while putting her coat on. "Why don't you go ahead first?"
"What?"
"I have to go to Lane's first, we're going to the auction together… remember?" Rory was gently pushed out of the door by an impatient Lorelai. "Hey! Doors were not meant to be pushed through."
"Yes, I'm sure we'll have a lengthy discussion with the inventor of the door about that *after* the auction, but right now, I would actually like to be at the auction. Physically. Because, spiritually, I'm already there."
"You are?"
"My spirit got into the jeep and drove off while you were spending six hours in the bathroom."
"I had bed hair."
"At six in the evening?"
"It was being rebellious," Rory sighed. "Look, you head on to the town square first. I'll go to Lane's, see if we can find some master plan to get her to the auction without her mom knowing, and then we'll rendezvous there before it starts, okay?"
"Okay," said Lorelai, "But I'm going to the diner first to see if Luke is wearing his shiny new auction clothes."
*
"Lucas!" Lorelai screeched as she walked through the diner. Fortunately, there was nobody around. This was partly due to the fact that the diner was closed, and that if Lorelai cared about what the sign on the door said, she would not have been there either. "Where are you?"
"What are you doing here?" Luke asked, coming out from the back. He was still dressed in his flannel and jeans, his baseball cap typically put on backwards as usual.
"What is this?"
"What is what?"
"What are you wearing?"
"Flannel," Luke said, looking down, "And I think this uncommon piece of clothing is what they call … a pair of jeans."
"Funny," said Lorelai. "Why aren't you wearing your brand-spanking new clothes? The auction starts in less than ten minutes."
"Yeah, I know," said Luke, "I don't think I really want to go through with it."
"What?"
"I don't want to go through with it."
"What?"
"Are you deaf?"
"Are you insane?"
"Are you deaf?"
"Are you insane?" Lorelai echoed. "You can't not go through with it. And you can't cancel. We've had this conversation before."
"It's stupid," Luke said, "You go out there, parading around while all those sex-crazed old, divorced, retired women haggle over you like a piece of meat, and then you're handed over to them like a cow to slaughter, and all you're doing it for is a stupid statue that lost its stupid head."
"It's not stupid, it symbolic of small town integration."
"It's stupid."
"Go back up," Lorelai pushed him up the stairs, "And put on your new clothes."
"I don't want to do it."
"It's just stage fright," Lorelai was practically dragging him back to his apartment. "Once you're up there, it will be fine. Come on, I brought this big stack of dollar bills to slip in your G-string, too."
"That's not helping."
"Change."
"I don't want to."
"That would be relevant if you had a choice," said Lorelai, flinging open his closet and picking out the clothes they bought the other day. "Put them on now, or I'll dress you myself."
"Fine," said Luke, snatching the clothes from her hand, and going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him. "I'm not happy about this."
"That would also be relevant if your feelings were an issue," Lorelai said, through the door, "Just feel proud that you're involving yourself in this great moment in Stars Hollow history."
"I wish the bathroom door were thicker."
"Think – you were a part of Stars Hollow's first annual bachelor auction," Lorelai continued, "You'll be in history books. Everywhere you go, people will point and say, 'oh, look, there goes a pioneer'. "
"Exactly what I want."
"And, then, I can say 'Yes, but who pioneered that pioneer? Me.'"
"That makes no sense."
"I know, I'm running out of things to say. Can you hurry up?" Lorelai rattled on the door. "You would think it wouldn't take so long to get in and out of clothes. There's a joke somewhere in there, but I just can't think of it right now."
"I hate these clothes," said Luke, "There are all these buttons and God knows what else."
"You're wearing formal wear, not a rocket. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out," Lorelai said. "Do you want me to help you?"
"No."
"Then hurry up," said Lorelai. "I feel my life is passing me by out here – I'll probably inspire a new Sarah Mclachlan song. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up."
"I'm out," Luke flung open the bathroom door and stepped outside. "Are you happy now?"
"Baseball cap," said Lorelai. "Off."
"Right," Luke removed his baseball cap and put it on the counter. "Can we just get this over with?"
"Don't you want to comb your hair?"
"What's wrong with my hair?"
"I don't know, but if Don King were here, he would think he was looking into a mirror."
"What?" Luke leaned back in the bathroom and looked at his reflection. He ran his fingers through his hair. "It's not that bad."
"For a homeless person, maybe."
"Look, can we just go?" Luke said. "I like my hair the way it is. Let's go down."
"Dirty."
"Down-STAIRS."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai as she headed to the door. "Hey, you do know that Taylor wants to see you before the auction actually starts right?"
"What?"
"Yes, for something I believe he called 'Orientation Briefing'. He had a cute little green folder and everything. I helped him label his post-it's. If you look under the yellow tab of Section 2(2)(b), you'll find I drew a little smiley there."
"That's not funny," said Luke.
"Speaking of funny," Lorelai said, "I'd watch out for Miss Patty if I were you. I saw her carrying two big suitcases earlier; rumor has it , they are filled with money. She's been saving for this for ages."
"Not funny. Again. And while we're on this ridiculous topic, I thought we'd go through our arrangement again."
"Again? Gosh, you're paranoid."
"You bid on me."
"Yes."
"You make sure nobody old, disgusting, or Miss Patty-esque gets their hands on me."
"Yes."
"If anyone like that starts bidding, you bid back."
"Yes."
"I don't care how high it goes to, you don't give up," Luke said.
"All right. Oooh, question."
"What?"
"What if it's somebody who's not old, disgusting, or Miss Patty-esque? What if it's some hot young chick who wants a piece of your diner meat?"
"Okay, first off, please don't ever use phrases like that again," Luke said, "And secondly, if it comes to that – use your discretion. If it's someone whom you think I could possibly want to smack after spending two minutes alone with her, then the same rules apply. If not, then you don't have to continue bidding."
"All right, use discretion, check. Now, hurry to the town square. Taylor's gonna blow a fuse if you're late," said Lorelai. "I'll see you at the auction. Break a leg."
*
"…going twice, SOLD, to Miss Patty for eight dollars!" Taylor said, bringing down the gavel. The young man on the stage looked nervously at Miss Patty, and then stared at the audience, his eyes terrified and pleading.
"I'm here, I'm here," said Rory, pushing through the crowd with Lane right behind her. "Did I miss anything?"
"Did you miss anything?" Lorelai responded, "The auction's nearly over. What happened to rendezvousing before the auction?"
"We were on our way out," Rory explained, "When Lane's mom caught us and told us to join in on her Sunday evening Bible class. We tried to get out of it, but she said it was for our own good."
"Was it?"
"Well, for what it's worth, we now know more about Moses than humanly possible."
"Oh, good. I've always wanted to know how he turned water into wine," said Lorelai.
"That was Jesus."
"Oh."
"So, what did we miss?" Rory asked, looking at the crowd, and then at the stage in front.
"Well, a lot, actually," Lorelai began, "Kirk's mom bid on Kirk, and won. Uncontested, of course. I thought it was sweet, if it didn't remind me so much of 'Psycho'. Miss Patty bid on, and won, Derek Scott, Michael Hendrick, and Jacob Wilkinson."
"She's older than all three of them combined!"
"I know. You should have seen the look in their eyes. They were like lambs taken out to slaughter."
"Has Luke gone on yet?"
"Oh, not yet," said Lorelai, "Apparently , they are saving the best for the last. Or, as Taylor calls it, participants are auctioned in the order at which they applied; so Luke's last."
"And now, last, but certainly not least, we present one of Star's Hollow's most eligible bachelors," said Taylor, speaking into the microphone. "Some of you may recognize him from the diner he runs out of his father's old hardware store, and the rest of you would have probably seen him scowling at all the town meetings. Ladies and gentlemen, our last bachelor for the evening, Mr. Luke Danes!"
The crowd gave a loud applause, as Luke reluctantly stepped out on the stage. He glared at Taylor, and then looked back at the crowd.
"Woooo!" screamed Lorelai, "Shake your money maker!"
Taylor rapped his hammer on the podium quickly. "Lorelai, I don't think we need to remind you that this is a bachelor auction, not Ladies' Night at Chippendale's. Now, we'll open the bidding at fifty dollars. Fifty dollars, do I have fifty?"
"FIFTY!" came a voice from the back of the crowd. Luke felt a short wave of panic as he realized it came from Miss Patty; not Lorelai.
"We have fifty," said Taylor, "Do I hear sixty?"
"Wait!" Lorelai piped up. "Miss Patty already has three bachelors. Isn't there some rule which says you can't have more than three?"
"If there is, it's a stupid rule," said Miss Patty.
Taylor paused, and looked at Miss Patty, and then at Lorelai, and then back at Luke. "Miss Patty, maybe you should give this one a pass."
"But he looks so nice," she replied, "All dressed up like that. I've waited so long to see him out of flannel… or out of anything."
"Ew," said Lorelai. "Taylor, make her stop."
"Yes, please," Luke pleaded.
"All right," Taylor rapped his hammer again, "Miss Patty, you're not allowed to bid this round. You've helped raise enough money for the statue fund tonight. Let's let the other ladies have a chance, how about it? Okay, Luke Danes, going for fifty, going for fifty, do I hear fifty?"
"Heh, I got Miss Patty out of the running, I probably saved myself a whole lot of money," said Lorelai, turning to Rory. She looked back at Taylor: "Fifty."
"Unsurprisingly, Lorelai has placed a bid at fifty," Taylor announced.
"Hey! What is that supposed to mean?"
"Do I hear a sixty? Is there a sixty? Going once, going twice..."
"One hundred dollars."
The crowd grew silent, as they turned to see who had placed the sudden bid. Lorelai whipped her head back, the voice definitely came from behind her.
The woman who made the bid looked slightly confused as everybody stared at her. She was an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, with long, blonde hair and a stunning figure. "What?"
To be continued
- sorry it took so long. I had writer's block. I have another L/L story in the works, I wonder how that will turn out. As usual, reviews will be appreciated : ) Thanks.
I blame it on J. Edgar Hoover. Don't ask me why. I just do.
---
SEVEN: I'll Take "Things That Don't Belong In An Auction" For $500
"Hurry up, Rory!" said Lorelai, flinging the door open and waiting out on the porch. "If we get any later we're going to miss the auction."
"I'm coming," Rory called down, running down the stairs while putting her coat on. "Why don't you go ahead first?"
"What?"
"I have to go to Lane's first, we're going to the auction together… remember?" Rory was gently pushed out of the door by an impatient Lorelai. "Hey! Doors were not meant to be pushed through."
"Yes, I'm sure we'll have a lengthy discussion with the inventor of the door about that *after* the auction, but right now, I would actually like to be at the auction. Physically. Because, spiritually, I'm already there."
"You are?"
"My spirit got into the jeep and drove off while you were spending six hours in the bathroom."
"I had bed hair."
"At six in the evening?"
"It was being rebellious," Rory sighed. "Look, you head on to the town square first. I'll go to Lane's, see if we can find some master plan to get her to the auction without her mom knowing, and then we'll rendezvous there before it starts, okay?"
"Okay," said Lorelai, "But I'm going to the diner first to see if Luke is wearing his shiny new auction clothes."
*
"Lucas!" Lorelai screeched as she walked through the diner. Fortunately, there was nobody around. This was partly due to the fact that the diner was closed, and that if Lorelai cared about what the sign on the door said, she would not have been there either. "Where are you?"
"What are you doing here?" Luke asked, coming out from the back. He was still dressed in his flannel and jeans, his baseball cap typically put on backwards as usual.
"What is this?"
"What is what?"
"What are you wearing?"
"Flannel," Luke said, looking down, "And I think this uncommon piece of clothing is what they call … a pair of jeans."
"Funny," said Lorelai. "Why aren't you wearing your brand-spanking new clothes? The auction starts in less than ten minutes."
"Yeah, I know," said Luke, "I don't think I really want to go through with it."
"What?"
"I don't want to go through with it."
"What?"
"Are you deaf?"
"Are you insane?"
"Are you deaf?"
"Are you insane?" Lorelai echoed. "You can't not go through with it. And you can't cancel. We've had this conversation before."
"It's stupid," Luke said, "You go out there, parading around while all those sex-crazed old, divorced, retired women haggle over you like a piece of meat, and then you're handed over to them like a cow to slaughter, and all you're doing it for is a stupid statue that lost its stupid head."
"It's not stupid, it symbolic of small town integration."
"It's stupid."
"Go back up," Lorelai pushed him up the stairs, "And put on your new clothes."
"I don't want to do it."
"It's just stage fright," Lorelai was practically dragging him back to his apartment. "Once you're up there, it will be fine. Come on, I brought this big stack of dollar bills to slip in your G-string, too."
"That's not helping."
"Change."
"I don't want to."
"That would be relevant if you had a choice," said Lorelai, flinging open his closet and picking out the clothes they bought the other day. "Put them on now, or I'll dress you myself."
"Fine," said Luke, snatching the clothes from her hand, and going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him. "I'm not happy about this."
"That would also be relevant if your feelings were an issue," Lorelai said, through the door, "Just feel proud that you're involving yourself in this great moment in Stars Hollow history."
"I wish the bathroom door were thicker."
"Think – you were a part of Stars Hollow's first annual bachelor auction," Lorelai continued, "You'll be in history books. Everywhere you go, people will point and say, 'oh, look, there goes a pioneer'. "
"Exactly what I want."
"And, then, I can say 'Yes, but who pioneered that pioneer? Me.'"
"That makes no sense."
"I know, I'm running out of things to say. Can you hurry up?" Lorelai rattled on the door. "You would think it wouldn't take so long to get in and out of clothes. There's a joke somewhere in there, but I just can't think of it right now."
"I hate these clothes," said Luke, "There are all these buttons and God knows what else."
"You're wearing formal wear, not a rocket. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out," Lorelai said. "Do you want me to help you?"
"No."
"Then hurry up," said Lorelai. "I feel my life is passing me by out here – I'll probably inspire a new Sarah Mclachlan song. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up."
"I'm out," Luke flung open the bathroom door and stepped outside. "Are you happy now?"
"Baseball cap," said Lorelai. "Off."
"Right," Luke removed his baseball cap and put it on the counter. "Can we just get this over with?"
"Don't you want to comb your hair?"
"What's wrong with my hair?"
"I don't know, but if Don King were here, he would think he was looking into a mirror."
"What?" Luke leaned back in the bathroom and looked at his reflection. He ran his fingers through his hair. "It's not that bad."
"For a homeless person, maybe."
"Look, can we just go?" Luke said. "I like my hair the way it is. Let's go down."
"Dirty."
"Down-STAIRS."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai as she headed to the door. "Hey, you do know that Taylor wants to see you before the auction actually starts right?"
"What?"
"Yes, for something I believe he called 'Orientation Briefing'. He had a cute little green folder and everything. I helped him label his post-it's. If you look under the yellow tab of Section 2(2)(b), you'll find I drew a little smiley there."
"That's not funny," said Luke.
"Speaking of funny," Lorelai said, "I'd watch out for Miss Patty if I were you. I saw her carrying two big suitcases earlier; rumor has it , they are filled with money. She's been saving for this for ages."
"Not funny. Again. And while we're on this ridiculous topic, I thought we'd go through our arrangement again."
"Again? Gosh, you're paranoid."
"You bid on me."
"Yes."
"You make sure nobody old, disgusting, or Miss Patty-esque gets their hands on me."
"Yes."
"If anyone like that starts bidding, you bid back."
"Yes."
"I don't care how high it goes to, you don't give up," Luke said.
"All right. Oooh, question."
"What?"
"What if it's somebody who's not old, disgusting, or Miss Patty-esque? What if it's some hot young chick who wants a piece of your diner meat?"
"Okay, first off, please don't ever use phrases like that again," Luke said, "And secondly, if it comes to that – use your discretion. If it's someone whom you think I could possibly want to smack after spending two minutes alone with her, then the same rules apply. If not, then you don't have to continue bidding."
"All right, use discretion, check. Now, hurry to the town square. Taylor's gonna blow a fuse if you're late," said Lorelai. "I'll see you at the auction. Break a leg."
*
"…going twice, SOLD, to Miss Patty for eight dollars!" Taylor said, bringing down the gavel. The young man on the stage looked nervously at Miss Patty, and then stared at the audience, his eyes terrified and pleading.
"I'm here, I'm here," said Rory, pushing through the crowd with Lane right behind her. "Did I miss anything?"
"Did you miss anything?" Lorelai responded, "The auction's nearly over. What happened to rendezvousing before the auction?"
"We were on our way out," Rory explained, "When Lane's mom caught us and told us to join in on her Sunday evening Bible class. We tried to get out of it, but she said it was for our own good."
"Was it?"
"Well, for what it's worth, we now know more about Moses than humanly possible."
"Oh, good. I've always wanted to know how he turned water into wine," said Lorelai.
"That was Jesus."
"Oh."
"So, what did we miss?" Rory asked, looking at the crowd, and then at the stage in front.
"Well, a lot, actually," Lorelai began, "Kirk's mom bid on Kirk, and won. Uncontested, of course. I thought it was sweet, if it didn't remind me so much of 'Psycho'. Miss Patty bid on, and won, Derek Scott, Michael Hendrick, and Jacob Wilkinson."
"She's older than all three of them combined!"
"I know. You should have seen the look in their eyes. They were like lambs taken out to slaughter."
"Has Luke gone on yet?"
"Oh, not yet," said Lorelai, "Apparently , they are saving the best for the last. Or, as Taylor calls it, participants are auctioned in the order at which they applied; so Luke's last."
"And now, last, but certainly not least, we present one of Star's Hollow's most eligible bachelors," said Taylor, speaking into the microphone. "Some of you may recognize him from the diner he runs out of his father's old hardware store, and the rest of you would have probably seen him scowling at all the town meetings. Ladies and gentlemen, our last bachelor for the evening, Mr. Luke Danes!"
The crowd gave a loud applause, as Luke reluctantly stepped out on the stage. He glared at Taylor, and then looked back at the crowd.
"Woooo!" screamed Lorelai, "Shake your money maker!"
Taylor rapped his hammer on the podium quickly. "Lorelai, I don't think we need to remind you that this is a bachelor auction, not Ladies' Night at Chippendale's. Now, we'll open the bidding at fifty dollars. Fifty dollars, do I have fifty?"
"FIFTY!" came a voice from the back of the crowd. Luke felt a short wave of panic as he realized it came from Miss Patty; not Lorelai.
"We have fifty," said Taylor, "Do I hear sixty?"
"Wait!" Lorelai piped up. "Miss Patty already has three bachelors. Isn't there some rule which says you can't have more than three?"
"If there is, it's a stupid rule," said Miss Patty.
Taylor paused, and looked at Miss Patty, and then at Lorelai, and then back at Luke. "Miss Patty, maybe you should give this one a pass."
"But he looks so nice," she replied, "All dressed up like that. I've waited so long to see him out of flannel… or out of anything."
"Ew," said Lorelai. "Taylor, make her stop."
"Yes, please," Luke pleaded.
"All right," Taylor rapped his hammer again, "Miss Patty, you're not allowed to bid this round. You've helped raise enough money for the statue fund tonight. Let's let the other ladies have a chance, how about it? Okay, Luke Danes, going for fifty, going for fifty, do I hear fifty?"
"Heh, I got Miss Patty out of the running, I probably saved myself a whole lot of money," said Lorelai, turning to Rory. She looked back at Taylor: "Fifty."
"Unsurprisingly, Lorelai has placed a bid at fifty," Taylor announced.
"Hey! What is that supposed to mean?"
"Do I hear a sixty? Is there a sixty? Going once, going twice..."
"One hundred dollars."
The crowd grew silent, as they turned to see who had placed the sudden bid. Lorelai whipped her head back, the voice definitely came from behind her.
The woman who made the bid looked slightly confused as everybody stared at her. She was an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, with long, blonde hair and a stunning figure. "What?"
To be continued
- sorry it took so long. I had writer's block. I have another L/L story in the works, I wonder how that will turn out. As usual, reviews will be appreciated : ) Thanks.