EIGHT : EYE OF THE TIGER
"Who is that woman?" Lorelai whispered to Rory.
Rory gave the woman a hard, long look before turning back to her mother. "I know … isn't she Lena Anderson?"
"Who?"
"Lena Anderson," Rory repeated, "Old Mrs. Anderson's daughter."
"Who is Old Mrs. Anderson?"
"The woman who runs that Christian memorabilia shop a few blocks away from Luke's. Don't you remember her? Every Friday she'd stand out on the street and point out the people that were going to hell."
"Oh yes, I was one of them. I told her I'd see her there, and then things were never again the same between the two of us. Now I remember," Lorelai said. "I thought Lena Anderson moved to New York a long time ago."
"I heard she moved back here a couple of weeks ago," Rory added, "But I never saw her around town so I thought it was just a rumor."
"So what is she doing here? Bidding on Luke?" Lorelai asked.
"One hundred dollars, for Luke Danes, one hundred dollars. Do I hear one hundred and ten? Going once, going…" Taylor raised his gavel.
Lorelai looked at Lena one more time, and then looked back at Luke, who, to her surprise (and slight annoyance) was not looking at Lorelai, but was looking at Lena – and he looked pleased. Lorelai bit her lower lip and waved her hand in the air. "One hundred and ten!"
"Lorelai bids one hundred and ten. One hundred and ten … do I hear one hundred and twenty?"
"Mom, what are you doing?" Rory tugged on her mother's arm. "I don't think Luke minds if you don't bid on him now." She motioned towards Luke, who seemed confused as to why Lorelai started bidding on him again.
"No, you don't understand," said Lorelai, "Luke told me to use my discretion, and I am using my discretion. And in using my discretion, I've decided that she is someone that Luke could not possibly want to be alone with."
"What?"
"One hundred and twenty," Lena announced loudly.
"Clearly, she is not the type of woman for Luke," said Lorelai, almost defensively. She raised her voice. "One hundred and thirty."
"How do you know that?" Rory asked.
"Well, first off, she's from New York, and everybody knows that Luke hates anything that comes from a big city. Last week, he gave me a seventeen minute rant on the stool I bought from Pottery Barn."
"But she's originally from Stars Hollow."
"One hundred and forty," Lena said.
"One hundred and fifty!" Lorelai almost yelled. She turned back to Rory. "That's not the point. And also, I don't think she comes from a very good background."
"Her mother owns a store called Heavenly Blessings."
"Oh, please," Lorelai said, "Everybody knows that that's just a front for her underground crack smuggling and prostitution ring. Makes you think twice about the name of her establishment, doesn't it?"
"One hundred and sixty," Lena bid again.
"Doesn't she ever give up?" Lorelai said. "One hundred and seventy!"
All the while, Luke was watching this exchange with fascination and interest. He thought he had given Lorelai the signal that it was okay for her to stop bidding, but she seemed hell-bent on ignoring it and proceeding as usual.
"One hundred and eighty."
"One hundred and ninety."
"Two hundred dollars." The crowd gasped as Lena announced this figure. The bidding was certainly going higher than anyone had expected.
"Two hundred and ten," Lorelai was determined not to give up.
Rory kept tugging on her mother's arm. "Mom, what are you doing?"
"I'm keeping to my end of the bargain," said Lorelai, "I promised Luke I would bid on him, and keep him away from any undesirable women, and I am doing just that. He wants me to do this. He asked me to do this."
"No, he didn't," said Rory, "And if you keep increasing your bid, pretty soon we're going to be living in box… which wouldn't even be ours that we'd have to rent from one of those crazy bag ladies."
"No, I can't," said Lorelai. "Look at her, with her perfect hair and her perfect body and her perfect make-up and her perfect dress. Can't you tell she's trouble?"
"Two hundred and twenty."
"Mom, I hate to say this, but you're borderline psychotic. "
"I am not," said Lorelai. "Three hundred dollars!"
"And we have crossed the border," sighed Rory.
The crowd gasped again. Lena, not to be outdone, raised her hand. "Three hundred and ten dollars."
"Three hundred and fifty dollars," Lorelai announced firmly.
"Three hundred and fifty dollars?" Taylor echoed. "Oh my God."
Lorelai looked at Lena, who seemed to have given up. She waved her hand at Taylor, indicating that she was not going to bid anymore.
"All right, going once, going twice – Luke Danes, sold to Lorelai Gilmore for an amazing sum of three hundred and fifty dollars." Taylor slammed his gavel down. "And that concludes tonight's Bachelor Auction. I would like to thank everybody for participating, especially Lorelai…"
*
"Haha, you're mine now," said Lorelai, as she grabbed Luke's arm and pulled him away from the town square.
"What the hell was that all about?" Luke asked.
"What was what about?" Lorelai acted innocent.
Before Luke could clarify, Rory came up to them. "Excuse me, Luke, do you mind if I speak to my mother for one second?"
"She's all yours."
Rory dragged Lorelai aside. "What did you just do?"
"What?"
"You just spent three hundred and fifty dollars. On Luke. Three hundred and fifty dollars."
"It was a duty."
"Again, I don't see the logic. I didn't even know you brought along that much money with you."
"I didn't," said Lorelai, "I wrote Taylor a check."
"That's not the point," said Rory. "Where are we going to get three hundred and fifty dollars? That termite thing we did last year already put us in the red, and now you want to add to that?"
"Rory, you're not looking at the big picture. I'll have you know, that I have single handedly raised enough money to buy three statue heads. And three hundred and fifty dollars isn't such a big deal," said Lorelai. "We'll just have to cut down on a few unimportant things for a while… like electricity, water, and food."
"There must be some sort of medication I can give you."
"Rory, don't worry about it," said Lorelai, "Mommy will handle everything. Worse case scenario, I'll strap you in a baby-T, throw some water on you, and see if Coyote Ugly is looking for night waitresses."
"You're delusional."
"You should go home," said Lorelai, "Take Lane along. Order some pizza or something."
"I would, if you didn't just deplete our entire bank account in twenty minutes."
"Then order something from Al's Pancake World. He'll give you credit. If he won't, try and see if you can pawn off the bookends that are shaped like elephants we keep in the backroom."
"Fine," said Rory, turning to go, "I'll see you at home."
Lorelai walked back to Luke, who was waiting patiently. "Sorry about that. Girl talk. Rory wanted to know if she was a summer or a fall color kind of girl."
"I didn't ask."
"Yeah, but I'd just tell you anyways," said Lorelai, "So what are we going to do now?"
"Look, Lorelai, about just now," Luke said, "You really didn't have to bid so high. It would have been fine if you stopped halfway, really."
"Are you kidding? Everybody knows Lena Anderson is bad news."
"That was Lena Anderson?"
"Yes. Rumor has it, she's had so much work done, she doesn't even recognize herself anymore. I heard she walked past a mirror once, and said 'who's that?'. She is bad, bad news."
"Didn't her mother run that Christian shop down…"
"Crack smuggler."
"I see," Luke deadpanned. "Look, at least let me pay you back the three hundred and fifty dollars."
"What? No," said Lorelai. "I paid three hundred and fifty dollars for you, and it's good money, so if you want to repay me, get up on that table and shake your booty."
"That's not funny."
"Come on, do a sexy striptease. I'll sing 'Eye of the Tiger' so you can dance to it" said Lorelai, beginning to sing. "Risin' up, back on the street, did my time, took my chances…"
"Stop that. If you won't let me pay you the money," Luke said, "Then at least let me buy you dinner. We can go to one of those fancy places you like, and you know that you know I hate."
"The ones with the unpronounceable menus?"
"Yes."
"The ones which you say are just really like any restaurant, and the only reason they charge you so much is because they want you to think they are better than anybody else? The ones which you say overprice their food and undercook their meat on purpose?"
"Yes."
"Good, because their shrimp paste is to die for. Can we pretend to be Russian tourists who don't speak a single word of English?"
"No."
"Can we dress up like Joseph and the Virgin Mary and ask for room and board?"
"What?"
"I did that with Christopher once. The worth on the waiter's face was worth getting thrown out."
"Well, you're not trying that with me," said Luke. "Come on, let's go."
*
- to be continued.
- next: the drama unfolds, as Lorelai discovers Luke has an evil twin brother
who just happened to be a surgeon who performed the plastic surgery on
Lena Anderson (who is actually... get this.... Lorelai's long lost sister!)
"Who is that woman?" Lorelai whispered to Rory.
Rory gave the woman a hard, long look before turning back to her mother. "I know … isn't she Lena Anderson?"
"Who?"
"Lena Anderson," Rory repeated, "Old Mrs. Anderson's daughter."
"Who is Old Mrs. Anderson?"
"The woman who runs that Christian memorabilia shop a few blocks away from Luke's. Don't you remember her? Every Friday she'd stand out on the street and point out the people that were going to hell."
"Oh yes, I was one of them. I told her I'd see her there, and then things were never again the same between the two of us. Now I remember," Lorelai said. "I thought Lena Anderson moved to New York a long time ago."
"I heard she moved back here a couple of weeks ago," Rory added, "But I never saw her around town so I thought it was just a rumor."
"So what is she doing here? Bidding on Luke?" Lorelai asked.
"One hundred dollars, for Luke Danes, one hundred dollars. Do I hear one hundred and ten? Going once, going…" Taylor raised his gavel.
Lorelai looked at Lena one more time, and then looked back at Luke, who, to her surprise (and slight annoyance) was not looking at Lorelai, but was looking at Lena – and he looked pleased. Lorelai bit her lower lip and waved her hand in the air. "One hundred and ten!"
"Lorelai bids one hundred and ten. One hundred and ten … do I hear one hundred and twenty?"
"Mom, what are you doing?" Rory tugged on her mother's arm. "I don't think Luke minds if you don't bid on him now." She motioned towards Luke, who seemed confused as to why Lorelai started bidding on him again.
"No, you don't understand," said Lorelai, "Luke told me to use my discretion, and I am using my discretion. And in using my discretion, I've decided that she is someone that Luke could not possibly want to be alone with."
"What?"
"One hundred and twenty," Lena announced loudly.
"Clearly, she is not the type of woman for Luke," said Lorelai, almost defensively. She raised her voice. "One hundred and thirty."
"How do you know that?" Rory asked.
"Well, first off, she's from New York, and everybody knows that Luke hates anything that comes from a big city. Last week, he gave me a seventeen minute rant on the stool I bought from Pottery Barn."
"But she's originally from Stars Hollow."
"One hundred and forty," Lena said.
"One hundred and fifty!" Lorelai almost yelled. She turned back to Rory. "That's not the point. And also, I don't think she comes from a very good background."
"Her mother owns a store called Heavenly Blessings."
"Oh, please," Lorelai said, "Everybody knows that that's just a front for her underground crack smuggling and prostitution ring. Makes you think twice about the name of her establishment, doesn't it?"
"One hundred and sixty," Lena bid again.
"Doesn't she ever give up?" Lorelai said. "One hundred and seventy!"
All the while, Luke was watching this exchange with fascination and interest. He thought he had given Lorelai the signal that it was okay for her to stop bidding, but she seemed hell-bent on ignoring it and proceeding as usual.
"One hundred and eighty."
"One hundred and ninety."
"Two hundred dollars." The crowd gasped as Lena announced this figure. The bidding was certainly going higher than anyone had expected.
"Two hundred and ten," Lorelai was determined not to give up.
Rory kept tugging on her mother's arm. "Mom, what are you doing?"
"I'm keeping to my end of the bargain," said Lorelai, "I promised Luke I would bid on him, and keep him away from any undesirable women, and I am doing just that. He wants me to do this. He asked me to do this."
"No, he didn't," said Rory, "And if you keep increasing your bid, pretty soon we're going to be living in box… which wouldn't even be ours that we'd have to rent from one of those crazy bag ladies."
"No, I can't," said Lorelai. "Look at her, with her perfect hair and her perfect body and her perfect make-up and her perfect dress. Can't you tell she's trouble?"
"Two hundred and twenty."
"Mom, I hate to say this, but you're borderline psychotic. "
"I am not," said Lorelai. "Three hundred dollars!"
"And we have crossed the border," sighed Rory.
The crowd gasped again. Lena, not to be outdone, raised her hand. "Three hundred and ten dollars."
"Three hundred and fifty dollars," Lorelai announced firmly.
"Three hundred and fifty dollars?" Taylor echoed. "Oh my God."
Lorelai looked at Lena, who seemed to have given up. She waved her hand at Taylor, indicating that she was not going to bid anymore.
"All right, going once, going twice – Luke Danes, sold to Lorelai Gilmore for an amazing sum of three hundred and fifty dollars." Taylor slammed his gavel down. "And that concludes tonight's Bachelor Auction. I would like to thank everybody for participating, especially Lorelai…"
*
"Haha, you're mine now," said Lorelai, as she grabbed Luke's arm and pulled him away from the town square.
"What the hell was that all about?" Luke asked.
"What was what about?" Lorelai acted innocent.
Before Luke could clarify, Rory came up to them. "Excuse me, Luke, do you mind if I speak to my mother for one second?"
"She's all yours."
Rory dragged Lorelai aside. "What did you just do?"
"What?"
"You just spent three hundred and fifty dollars. On Luke. Three hundred and fifty dollars."
"It was a duty."
"Again, I don't see the logic. I didn't even know you brought along that much money with you."
"I didn't," said Lorelai, "I wrote Taylor a check."
"That's not the point," said Rory. "Where are we going to get three hundred and fifty dollars? That termite thing we did last year already put us in the red, and now you want to add to that?"
"Rory, you're not looking at the big picture. I'll have you know, that I have single handedly raised enough money to buy three statue heads. And three hundred and fifty dollars isn't such a big deal," said Lorelai. "We'll just have to cut down on a few unimportant things for a while… like electricity, water, and food."
"There must be some sort of medication I can give you."
"Rory, don't worry about it," said Lorelai, "Mommy will handle everything. Worse case scenario, I'll strap you in a baby-T, throw some water on you, and see if Coyote Ugly is looking for night waitresses."
"You're delusional."
"You should go home," said Lorelai, "Take Lane along. Order some pizza or something."
"I would, if you didn't just deplete our entire bank account in twenty minutes."
"Then order something from Al's Pancake World. He'll give you credit. If he won't, try and see if you can pawn off the bookends that are shaped like elephants we keep in the backroom."
"Fine," said Rory, turning to go, "I'll see you at home."
Lorelai walked back to Luke, who was waiting patiently. "Sorry about that. Girl talk. Rory wanted to know if she was a summer or a fall color kind of girl."
"I didn't ask."
"Yeah, but I'd just tell you anyways," said Lorelai, "So what are we going to do now?"
"Look, Lorelai, about just now," Luke said, "You really didn't have to bid so high. It would have been fine if you stopped halfway, really."
"Are you kidding? Everybody knows Lena Anderson is bad news."
"That was Lena Anderson?"
"Yes. Rumor has it, she's had so much work done, she doesn't even recognize herself anymore. I heard she walked past a mirror once, and said 'who's that?'. She is bad, bad news."
"Didn't her mother run that Christian shop down…"
"Crack smuggler."
"I see," Luke deadpanned. "Look, at least let me pay you back the three hundred and fifty dollars."
"What? No," said Lorelai. "I paid three hundred and fifty dollars for you, and it's good money, so if you want to repay me, get up on that table and shake your booty."
"That's not funny."
"Come on, do a sexy striptease. I'll sing 'Eye of the Tiger' so you can dance to it" said Lorelai, beginning to sing. "Risin' up, back on the street, did my time, took my chances…"
"Stop that. If you won't let me pay you the money," Luke said, "Then at least let me buy you dinner. We can go to one of those fancy places you like, and you know that you know I hate."
"The ones with the unpronounceable menus?"
"Yes."
"The ones which you say are just really like any restaurant, and the only reason they charge you so much is because they want you to think they are better than anybody else? The ones which you say overprice their food and undercook their meat on purpose?"
"Yes."
"Good, because their shrimp paste is to die for. Can we pretend to be Russian tourists who don't speak a single word of English?"
"No."
"Can we dress up like Joseph and the Virgin Mary and ask for room and board?"
"What?"
"I did that with Christopher once. The worth on the waiter's face was worth getting thrown out."
"Well, you're not trying that with me," said Luke. "Come on, let's go."
*
- to be continued.
- next: the drama unfolds, as Lorelai discovers Luke has an evil twin brother
who just happened to be a surgeon who performed the plastic surgery on
Lena Anderson (who is actually... get this.... Lorelai's long lost sister!)