NINE : WATER IS THE FRUIT OF GODS
NOTE: Some people seemed to think that the post-script in the last chapter was for real. Erm, it's not. There is no evil Luke or Lorelai's long lost sisterI have more credibility than that, haha, okay, wait no, I don't, but I'm not going to put that in this chapter so don't worry. Hehe.
"Ah, table for two, right this way," the waiter ushered Lorelai and Luke to a table in a cozy corner of the restaurant. He waited for them to sit down, before lighting the candle in the middle of the table. "If you will excuse me, I will be back with your menus in a couple of seconds."
"Oh, candle light dinner," said Lorelai.
"You know, I never got this whole 'candle light dinner' thing …" Luke started.
"Uh-oh," said Lorelai. "The Rant Express is heading into town."
"I mean, come on," said Luke, "Why is it so romantic? It's dangerous, you could se the place on fire, and it doesn't even provide proper lighting. I can hardly see what my own hands, what more who is sitting opposite me. How am I going to read the menu? Who on earth would possibly consider this to be romantic? My eyes will practically be dead with all the squinting I'll have to do."
"You're a regular Cupid, aren't you?"
The waiter arrived with their menus and handed it to them. "Are we celebrating a special occasion tonight?" he asked.
"Yes, actually," said Lorelai quickly, putting her hand on Luke's. "We just got engaged."
"What …" Luke started.
"… a joy it is, to be engaged," Lorelai continued quickly. "I feel like I'm made of gold."
"Congratulations," said the waiter. "I'll give you two a little time to look through the menu, and I'll come back and take your order when you are ready."
When he was gone, Luke quickly pulled his hand from under Lorelai's. "What the hell was that?"
"Oh, hush," said Lorelai. "If they find out you're engaged, they give you a ten percent discount, and they throw in a free piece of cake. It's this special thing that they do."
"You'll do anything for a free piece of cake, won't you."
"What can I say," said Lorelai, "I'm a cake whore. I would have danced on the table if they were throwing in a free muffin, too."
"Have you no shame?"
"Nope. But if you have any left over, I'll share it with you."
"Are you like this all the time, or only to me?"
"Well," said Lorelai, "You are very special."
"I'm thrilled," Luke responded. "Makes me a bit worried about how you treat people who aren't special."
"If you're planning to be this mean to me," said Lorelai, "I'm leaving."
"I'm paying."
"But then again, I've always been taught to be tolerant of others," said Lorelai, picking up the menu. "So, what are you having?"
*
"And then," said Lorelai, giggling, as they were leaving the restaurant. "And then, hehe… this is funny. I open the door, and standing there, is … hehe nobody."
"Okay," said Luke, "I really think we shouldn't have ordered wine.""
"Oh, please," said Lorelai, pushing him gently. "No coffee, no wine, what are you, Ruler of Stick-In-The-Mud-Land? Hehe… stick-in-the-mud-land. That's funny. Where do I come up with all this stuff?"
"You're drunk."
"I'm tipsy," said Lorelai, "There's a difference…because I'm still coherent. And I can walk in a straight line. And I wouldn't be like this, if you took more than half a sip of the wine. I had to finish the whole bottle."
"I'm driving, remember?" said Luke. "And I'm not a wine drinker."
"Why not? Wine is a fruit."
"It is not."
"It comes from a fruit. It's grape juice."
"It is not."
"You say fruits are healthy. Wine, which, I must say, comes from a fruit, must there be healthy."
"It's amazing how well you can reason after drinking so much wine," said Luke sarcastically.
"Maybe they should make a wine salad. They have fruit salad, but no wine salad. Why is that? Wine is a fruit."
"For the hundredth time, Lorelai, wine is not a fruit," Luke sighed. He stopped, and walked towards a street vendor across the road.
"Where are you going?"
Luke bought a bottle of mineral water from the vendor, and handed it to her. "Drink this."
"Hmm. Water."
"Drink it," said Luke. "It'll help with the terrible hangover you're going to have tomorrow morning."
"Is water a fruit?"
Luke sighed again. "Yes, Lorelai. Water is a fruit. Come on, let's go home. I think we've had too much fun for one night."
Lorelai popped open the bottle and drank some of the water. "Water is a tasteless fruit."
"You don't say," said Luke as he opened the passenger door of his truck. He helped Lorelai in, before climbing into the driver's seat. "Put on your seat belt."
"Nag, nag, nag," said Lorelai before snapping on her seatbelt, watching Luke do the same. "Drink your water, put on your seat belt. Nag, nag, nag."
"Boy, I like you so much better when you're sober." Luke started the engine.
"For the last time, I'm not drunk," said Lorelai. "I'm just seeing a couple of white spots all over the place, and I'm having trouble forming rational thoughts, that's all."
"So other than the white spots you're completely normal."
"Tell that to me again tomorrow morning, and remind me to laugh then okay." Lorelai took another sip of her water. "This wine tastes like water."
"It is water."
"Oh, my world is all askew," said Lorelai, bringing the bottle close to her lips, right as Luke went over a speed bump. Her hand slipped slightly and ended up pouring some of the water on her blouse. "Ah crap!"
"What?"
"I spilt some fruit juice on my blouse when you went over that speed bump," said Lorelai. "Do you think it'll leave a stain?"
"It's water, Lorelai."
"I think some went down my blouse," said Lorelai, popping open the top button of her blouse as she peered down. Luke was watching her out of the corner of his eye, trying very hard to pay more attention to the road – but it was a difficult think to do, especially when he had one Lorelai Gilmore with an unbuttoned bloused sitting next to him.
"Could you stop that?" said Luke, his voice almost quivering, but he hid it well.
"Nobody's asking you to look," said Lorelai, "And shouldn't you be keeping your eyes on the road?"
"I wasn't looking," said Luke, turning to her, "I'm just saying, if you're …"
He didn't finish his sentence in time, as when he looked back at the road he found that he had somehow drifted over the left lane, and nearly rammed into a parked car. He swerved to his right quickly, only to find that his truck was responding quicker than he expected, crashing over the pavement and into a fire hydrant. His truck came to a complete halt – the bonnet folded - as a geyser of water shot up from the now broken hydrant.
"That was fun," said Lorelai, after a couple moments of silence.
"Great," said Luke. He looked over to Lorelai, who seemed strangely fascinated by the water gushing from the ground. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," said Lorelai. "Is that wine shooting from the ground?"
Luke sighed, and tried not to scream in frustration. He clenched his fists tightly for a moment, and tried to undo his safety belt. It wouldn't snap open. He pulled at it frantically, unsuccessfully. "Dammit! It's stuck."
"Mine's fine," said Lorelai, as she undid hers. "I think you're doing yours wrongly. You have to press the button while you're pulling it out. Here, let me."
Lorelai leaned over to Luke, forgetting that she still had the open bottle of water in her hand. Most of it had already spilled out when they crashed into the fire hydrant, but there was still some left inside – the rest of which she accidentally poured over his lap as she leaned towards him.
"Lorelai!"
"Ah, crap," said Lorelai, throwing the bottle down. She reached into her bag and took out a tissue. "Sorry. Let me get that." She began running the tissue up and down his lap, trying to soak up the water.
"Will you stop that?" Luke fidgeted, trying to get her away, despite the strange (and very, very wrong) feeling that he was actually enjoying what she was doing. "Leave it alone."
"I'm just trying to help," said Lorelai, who still had her hand on his lap. She paused as she noticed something – she leaned closer to his lap for a further inspection. "Is it going to stain your pants?"
"I don't know," said Luke, getting incredibly uncomfortable at this point. "And could you please move your head …"
He was interrupted by the rattling against his window. He couldn't see who it was, because the water spurting outside had limited much of his visibility. He wound down the window. A bright line shone into the truck
"And what do we have here?" The police officer said, as he looked at what may be a terribly incriminating scene.
To Be Continued
Next time, on Hey Mr Bachelor Man : Lorelai is diagnosed with a rare disease, which means Luke will have to donate half his lungs to save her life. Meanwhile, at home, Rory is visited by Tristan, who reveals a dark and terrible secret – he is not human. Jess discovers he is psychic, and in a special cross-over episode with "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", Lane's mother is turned into a creature of the night and is hunted by Buffy and her ragtag group of heroes. I'll let you take a guess whether I'm joking or not. :)
NOTE: Some people seemed to think that the post-script in the last chapter was for real. Erm, it's not. There is no evil Luke or Lorelai's long lost sisterI have more credibility than that, haha, okay, wait no, I don't, but I'm not going to put that in this chapter so don't worry. Hehe.
"Ah, table for two, right this way," the waiter ushered Lorelai and Luke to a table in a cozy corner of the restaurant. He waited for them to sit down, before lighting the candle in the middle of the table. "If you will excuse me, I will be back with your menus in a couple of seconds."
"Oh, candle light dinner," said Lorelai.
"You know, I never got this whole 'candle light dinner' thing …" Luke started.
"Uh-oh," said Lorelai. "The Rant Express is heading into town."
"I mean, come on," said Luke, "Why is it so romantic? It's dangerous, you could se the place on fire, and it doesn't even provide proper lighting. I can hardly see what my own hands, what more who is sitting opposite me. How am I going to read the menu? Who on earth would possibly consider this to be romantic? My eyes will practically be dead with all the squinting I'll have to do."
"You're a regular Cupid, aren't you?"
The waiter arrived with their menus and handed it to them. "Are we celebrating a special occasion tonight?" he asked.
"Yes, actually," said Lorelai quickly, putting her hand on Luke's. "We just got engaged."
"What …" Luke started.
"… a joy it is, to be engaged," Lorelai continued quickly. "I feel like I'm made of gold."
"Congratulations," said the waiter. "I'll give you two a little time to look through the menu, and I'll come back and take your order when you are ready."
When he was gone, Luke quickly pulled his hand from under Lorelai's. "What the hell was that?"
"Oh, hush," said Lorelai. "If they find out you're engaged, they give you a ten percent discount, and they throw in a free piece of cake. It's this special thing that they do."
"You'll do anything for a free piece of cake, won't you."
"What can I say," said Lorelai, "I'm a cake whore. I would have danced on the table if they were throwing in a free muffin, too."
"Have you no shame?"
"Nope. But if you have any left over, I'll share it with you."
"Are you like this all the time, or only to me?"
"Well," said Lorelai, "You are very special."
"I'm thrilled," Luke responded. "Makes me a bit worried about how you treat people who aren't special."
"If you're planning to be this mean to me," said Lorelai, "I'm leaving."
"I'm paying."
"But then again, I've always been taught to be tolerant of others," said Lorelai, picking up the menu. "So, what are you having?"
*
"And then," said Lorelai, giggling, as they were leaving the restaurant. "And then, hehe… this is funny. I open the door, and standing there, is … hehe nobody."
"Okay," said Luke, "I really think we shouldn't have ordered wine.""
"Oh, please," said Lorelai, pushing him gently. "No coffee, no wine, what are you, Ruler of Stick-In-The-Mud-Land? Hehe… stick-in-the-mud-land. That's funny. Where do I come up with all this stuff?"
"You're drunk."
"I'm tipsy," said Lorelai, "There's a difference…because I'm still coherent. And I can walk in a straight line. And I wouldn't be like this, if you took more than half a sip of the wine. I had to finish the whole bottle."
"I'm driving, remember?" said Luke. "And I'm not a wine drinker."
"Why not? Wine is a fruit."
"It is not."
"It comes from a fruit. It's grape juice."
"It is not."
"You say fruits are healthy. Wine, which, I must say, comes from a fruit, must there be healthy."
"It's amazing how well you can reason after drinking so much wine," said Luke sarcastically.
"Maybe they should make a wine salad. They have fruit salad, but no wine salad. Why is that? Wine is a fruit."
"For the hundredth time, Lorelai, wine is not a fruit," Luke sighed. He stopped, and walked towards a street vendor across the road.
"Where are you going?"
Luke bought a bottle of mineral water from the vendor, and handed it to her. "Drink this."
"Hmm. Water."
"Drink it," said Luke. "It'll help with the terrible hangover you're going to have tomorrow morning."
"Is water a fruit?"
Luke sighed again. "Yes, Lorelai. Water is a fruit. Come on, let's go home. I think we've had too much fun for one night."
Lorelai popped open the bottle and drank some of the water. "Water is a tasteless fruit."
"You don't say," said Luke as he opened the passenger door of his truck. He helped Lorelai in, before climbing into the driver's seat. "Put on your seat belt."
"Nag, nag, nag," said Lorelai before snapping on her seatbelt, watching Luke do the same. "Drink your water, put on your seat belt. Nag, nag, nag."
"Boy, I like you so much better when you're sober." Luke started the engine.
"For the last time, I'm not drunk," said Lorelai. "I'm just seeing a couple of white spots all over the place, and I'm having trouble forming rational thoughts, that's all."
"So other than the white spots you're completely normal."
"Tell that to me again tomorrow morning, and remind me to laugh then okay." Lorelai took another sip of her water. "This wine tastes like water."
"It is water."
"Oh, my world is all askew," said Lorelai, bringing the bottle close to her lips, right as Luke went over a speed bump. Her hand slipped slightly and ended up pouring some of the water on her blouse. "Ah crap!"
"What?"
"I spilt some fruit juice on my blouse when you went over that speed bump," said Lorelai. "Do you think it'll leave a stain?"
"It's water, Lorelai."
"I think some went down my blouse," said Lorelai, popping open the top button of her blouse as she peered down. Luke was watching her out of the corner of his eye, trying very hard to pay more attention to the road – but it was a difficult think to do, especially when he had one Lorelai Gilmore with an unbuttoned bloused sitting next to him.
"Could you stop that?" said Luke, his voice almost quivering, but he hid it well.
"Nobody's asking you to look," said Lorelai, "And shouldn't you be keeping your eyes on the road?"
"I wasn't looking," said Luke, turning to her, "I'm just saying, if you're …"
He didn't finish his sentence in time, as when he looked back at the road he found that he had somehow drifted over the left lane, and nearly rammed into a parked car. He swerved to his right quickly, only to find that his truck was responding quicker than he expected, crashing over the pavement and into a fire hydrant. His truck came to a complete halt – the bonnet folded - as a geyser of water shot up from the now broken hydrant.
"That was fun," said Lorelai, after a couple moments of silence.
"Great," said Luke. He looked over to Lorelai, who seemed strangely fascinated by the water gushing from the ground. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," said Lorelai. "Is that wine shooting from the ground?"
Luke sighed, and tried not to scream in frustration. He clenched his fists tightly for a moment, and tried to undo his safety belt. It wouldn't snap open. He pulled at it frantically, unsuccessfully. "Dammit! It's stuck."
"Mine's fine," said Lorelai, as she undid hers. "I think you're doing yours wrongly. You have to press the button while you're pulling it out. Here, let me."
Lorelai leaned over to Luke, forgetting that she still had the open bottle of water in her hand. Most of it had already spilled out when they crashed into the fire hydrant, but there was still some left inside – the rest of which she accidentally poured over his lap as she leaned towards him.
"Lorelai!"
"Ah, crap," said Lorelai, throwing the bottle down. She reached into her bag and took out a tissue. "Sorry. Let me get that." She began running the tissue up and down his lap, trying to soak up the water.
"Will you stop that?" Luke fidgeted, trying to get her away, despite the strange (and very, very wrong) feeling that he was actually enjoying what she was doing. "Leave it alone."
"I'm just trying to help," said Lorelai, who still had her hand on his lap. She paused as she noticed something – she leaned closer to his lap for a further inspection. "Is it going to stain your pants?"
"I don't know," said Luke, getting incredibly uncomfortable at this point. "And could you please move your head …"
He was interrupted by the rattling against his window. He couldn't see who it was, because the water spurting outside had limited much of his visibility. He wound down the window. A bright line shone into the truck
"And what do we have here?" The police officer said, as he looked at what may be a terribly incriminating scene.
To Be Continued
Next time, on Hey Mr Bachelor Man : Lorelai is diagnosed with a rare disease, which means Luke will have to donate half his lungs to save her life. Meanwhile, at home, Rory is visited by Tristan, who reveals a dark and terrible secret – he is not human. Jess discovers he is psychic, and in a special cross-over episode with "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", Lane's mother is turned into a creature of the night and is hunted by Buffy and her ragtag group of heroes. I'll let you take a guess whether I'm joking or not. :)