TEN: PRISON BARS MAKE YOU LOOK SLIMMER
- this is an updated version. There were several embarrasing mistakes that I didn't want in here. I hope that's the last of them. I really need to proof read more. And for fun, I threw in a few extra lines of dialogue here and there.
Lorelai opened her eyes, and discovered she was staring at a very unfamiliar ceiling. It was not like the ceiling of her bedroom – it looked different. And dirtier. And gloomier. The splitting headache she was having did not seem to help clear things up. She groaned as she sat up, and discovered that the walls and floor also did not look like her bedroom… so she formed a rational conclusion that she *wasn't* in her bedroom.
She looked around, and discovered Luke was sitting across from her, staring out of the prison bars. For a moment, it looked like there were two Luke's, but her vision corrected itself after she rubbed her eyes.
"Why am I in jail?" was the first thing that came out of her mouth. Her voice felt hoarse and dry, and she cleared her throat afterwards.
Luke glanced over to her. "Oh, you're up."
"Great observation skills," said Lorelai, running her hand through her hair. The headache was killing her. "What's going on?"
"You don't remember anything?"
"Not much," said Lorelai. "I remember the auction… and the restaurant. And the truck. And for some reason, I'm getting a lot of mental images of water. What happened?"
"We kind of got into a minor accident," said Luke, walking across the room and sitting on the bench beside her.
"Oh. I sort of remember a crash," said Lorelai.
"You really don't remember anything else?" Luke asked, nervously, hoping to God that she didn't.
"Hmmm," Lorelai paused. "No."
"Oh." He tried to hide his relief.
"How long have we been here?"
"Three hours," said Luke, looking at his watch. "And counting."
"I don't get it," said Lorelai. "So we knocked into a …" She motioned for Luke to complete the sentence for her.
"… hydrant."
"… hydrant, and they throw us into jail? That doesn't make sense. I mean… you weren't drunk, right?"
"Well," Luke paused before continuing. "They kind of locked us in here for something else."
"What?"
Luke told her.
"WHAT?!" Lorelai nearly screamed. "How is that… how could they … didn't you tell them something?"
"I tried to," Luke explained, "But it didn't help that you passed out on the way to the police station. I spent the first two hours trying to explain that it was just a mistake, and the other hour trying to tell them that you weren't a hooker."
"Did you succeed?"
"Yeah, they believed me, but I said, hey, throw us in jail anyways. What do you think?"
"Great," said Lorelai, rubbing her temples. "Did you call anybody?"
"I tried to call Jess, but nobody picked up. I guess he's out mugging an old lady somewhere. And when I tried to call someone else, this burly policeman told me my time was up."
Lorelai sighed, before she realized something. "I still have one phone call, right?"
*
"Hello?"
"Rory, it's me."
"Mom?"
"No, it's Eartha Kitt, channeling in from another dimension," said Lorelai. "I'm going to be back a little late tonight, okay?"
"Having fun with Luke?" Rory asked.
"Well, that's one way of putting it," Lorelai said. "Oh, yeah, and I need you to do me a small favor."
"Erm, sure. What?"
"Bail me out of jail."
There was nothing but silence on the other end of the phone. "What?"
"I'm at the Hartford police lock-up. Bail me out of jail," repeated Lorelai. "Geez, don't act like it's such a strange thing. Mothers ask daughters to do this all the time."
"Why are you in jail?"
"Erm, because they thought I was a hooker?"
"Seriously."
"Oh, believe me, I'm serious."
"What happened?"
"Yeah, apparently they thought me and Luke were pulling a Hugh Grant – Divine Brown escapade kind of thing. Total misunderstanding."
"How do you misunderstand something like that?"
"Look, Rory, a very big policeman named Bubba is standing three feet away from me ready to yank this telephone out of my hands the moment my five minutes are up, so it would be great if we kind of get to the point. Which is : bail me out jail."
"But I …"
"Rory, I've got to go, Bubba's glaring at me," said Lorelai. "I'm at Hartford, come soon, because I think our three hundred pound cellmate is looking at Luke affectionately and you know what they do to pretty boys in prison."
"Did you just call Luke a pretty boy?"
"Well, he's the prettiest one here. Runner up is some guy who has so many tattoos I'm going blind."
"What kind of -"
"Argh!" Lorelai exclaimed as the policeman clicked the phone and cut off the line. "What is your problem? I was talking there."
"Five minutes were up."
"So? Like an extra ten seconds would have really contravened the law."
"Rules are rules."
"Rules are made to be broken."
"Go back to your cell, ma'am."
"Fine."
*
"So Rory's coming over?"
"Yup," said Lorelai. "My daughter is going to bail us out of prison. Wow, I never thought I'd actually hear those words come out of my mouth. Hmmm... here I am rotting away in jail while my daughter has to fend for herself. Now I know how Mena Suvari's mom felt in 'Sugar and Spice'."
"Believe me, this isn't where I thought I'd end up either," said Luke, crossing his arms.
"Hey," said Lorelai, nudging him, discreetly motioning towards a large, burly inmate in the cell across from theirs. "I think Tiny over there likes you."
"What? Don't say that."
"He's been staring at you ever since you got here."
"How would you know, you were knocked out cold half the time."
"I think it's love at first sight."
"Stop it."
"Luke and Tiny sitting in a tree…"
"Ah geez. You can't even behave yourself in jail, can you."
"What are you going to name your kids? I suggest Luke Jr., and of course, Lorelai if it's a girl."
"Stop it."
"Do they even have flannel diapers?"
"You're not funny."
"I can help you pick out a wedding dress. It'll be white with horizontal black stripes. Hehe… get it? Ooh. Or, the popular choice... Flannel! Versace will be bouncing off the wall with that one."
"Well if he doesn't, I will soon. I can't believe I'm locked in here with you."
"Hello, I'm Luke Danes, Tiny's bitc…"
"Lorelai Gilmore!" Emily's voice resonated through the hall. Lorelai froze, as she saw her mother approaching the prison bars, escorted by a policeman.
"Mom?"
"Would you like to explain to me how exactly you ended up here?"
"What are you doing here, Mom?"
"Rory called me."
"Rory called you?"
"Yes. My grand daughter called me in the middle of the night to tell me that her mother just got thrown into jail. Do you have any idea what that's like?"
"Why did she call you? I told her to come down here."
"Yes, and I'm sure asking an eighteen year old girl to drive all alone to a prison in the dead of the night is a perfectly responsible thing to do."
"It's not a prison, Mom," said Lorelai. "It's a police station."
"She didn't have the money," said Emily. "Apparently you spent it all on a gigolo."
"What?"
"She told me you used up all your money to buy some man…"
"I'm standing right here," said Luke.
"Oh," Emily looked past Lorelai, and stared at Luke. "Now it makes sense."
"Can we save the lecture for later, and just please get us out of here?" Lorelai begged.
"No," said Emily. "It seems fitting that the only time you'll listen to me is when you're behind bars. Do you have any idea how embarrassing this whole situation is? Not just for you, not just for me, but for our entire family. What do you think will happen if word of this gets out? How will Rory feel if her classmates knew about this? Do you know how utterly humiliating it is, to have a complete stranger tell you that your daughter was caught … ugh, I can't even say it."
"Mom , it was…"
"That my own daughter was caught… pleasuring… some man after they destroyed public property," Emily decided she could say it after all. "If I could bury my head in the sand now, I would. That's how embarrassed I am."
"It was an accident, Mom."
"Oh, yes, I'm sure," Emily went on. "I'm sure you accidentally knocked over that fire hydrant. I'm also sure your blouse accidentally unbuttoned itself. I'm also sure the impact from the crash accidentally sent your body hurtling towards his, creating a totally misunderstood … accident."
"Um, if I could just cut in," Luke stood up and walked towards Emily, "It really was just a misunderstanding."
"And how would you know anything about it?" Emily shot back.
"Erm… because I was there?"
"Yes, and excuse me if I don't take the word of a man who sells his body to the highest bidder."
"What?"
"Mom," Lorelai decided to interrupt them before the two of them came to blows. "Could we please finish this elsewhere? I don't like how that policeman is smirking."
"What policeman?" Emily turned around and looked at the policeman behind her, who immediately dropped his smirk when she stared at him. "What are you looking at? Do you think this is funny? This is a family crisis."
"Mom, can we please go." Lorelai was this close to actual groveling.
"I hope you've learnt a very valuable lesson from this."
"Yes. Call Sookie to bail me out of jail."
"That's not funny," said Emily. "Honestly, Lorelai, I don't know why you insist on acting like this is a joke. I'd just die if somebody from my DAR group hears about this. What if Headmaster Charleston finds out? How is Rory ever going to get any respect in Chilton?"
"We'll spread a rumor that she's adopted."
"That's your answer to everything," said Emily. She motioned for the policeman to unlock the cell door. "Come on. And we aren't done talking."
"Yes, mother," said Lorelai, as she and Luke followed Emily out of the cell.
NEXT TIME, ON "HEY MR BACHELOR MAN"
- We shift the focus to a sizzling love triangle between Jess, Dean and Tristan. Slash galore, as we discover that the only reason Dean is so emotional around Jess is because of his burning attraction to him. And what about Tristan, who just wanted to be with Rory so he could be near Dean. But who does Jess love? The answer is one certain French man who works at Lorelai's Inn.
-Lorelai grows a third arm and decides to fight crime.
-In a very special cross-over segment, Jennifer Anniston guest stars as Rachel, who, while on an assignment for Ralph Lauren, stumbles across the sleepy town of Stars Hollow, and falls in love with Luke. Will their love blossom, or will a certain Charmed One (special guest star Rose McGowan) come between them?
- And keeping up with Survivor fever: Miss Patty accosts Jeff Probst in a grocery store ("I would love to snuff his torch," she says).
WATCH FOR IT NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW HEY MR BACHELOR MAN!
PS: I know I would like to snuff Jeff Probst's torch, too. Dirrttty.
- this is an updated version. There were several embarrasing mistakes that I didn't want in here. I hope that's the last of them. I really need to proof read more. And for fun, I threw in a few extra lines of dialogue here and there.
Lorelai opened her eyes, and discovered she was staring at a very unfamiliar ceiling. It was not like the ceiling of her bedroom – it looked different. And dirtier. And gloomier. The splitting headache she was having did not seem to help clear things up. She groaned as she sat up, and discovered that the walls and floor also did not look like her bedroom… so she formed a rational conclusion that she *wasn't* in her bedroom.
She looked around, and discovered Luke was sitting across from her, staring out of the prison bars. For a moment, it looked like there were two Luke's, but her vision corrected itself after she rubbed her eyes.
"Why am I in jail?" was the first thing that came out of her mouth. Her voice felt hoarse and dry, and she cleared her throat afterwards.
Luke glanced over to her. "Oh, you're up."
"Great observation skills," said Lorelai, running her hand through her hair. The headache was killing her. "What's going on?"
"You don't remember anything?"
"Not much," said Lorelai. "I remember the auction… and the restaurant. And the truck. And for some reason, I'm getting a lot of mental images of water. What happened?"
"We kind of got into a minor accident," said Luke, walking across the room and sitting on the bench beside her.
"Oh. I sort of remember a crash," said Lorelai.
"You really don't remember anything else?" Luke asked, nervously, hoping to God that she didn't.
"Hmmm," Lorelai paused. "No."
"Oh." He tried to hide his relief.
"How long have we been here?"
"Three hours," said Luke, looking at his watch. "And counting."
"I don't get it," said Lorelai. "So we knocked into a …" She motioned for Luke to complete the sentence for her.
"… hydrant."
"… hydrant, and they throw us into jail? That doesn't make sense. I mean… you weren't drunk, right?"
"Well," Luke paused before continuing. "They kind of locked us in here for something else."
"What?"
Luke told her.
"WHAT?!" Lorelai nearly screamed. "How is that… how could they … didn't you tell them something?"
"I tried to," Luke explained, "But it didn't help that you passed out on the way to the police station. I spent the first two hours trying to explain that it was just a mistake, and the other hour trying to tell them that you weren't a hooker."
"Did you succeed?"
"Yeah, they believed me, but I said, hey, throw us in jail anyways. What do you think?"
"Great," said Lorelai, rubbing her temples. "Did you call anybody?"
"I tried to call Jess, but nobody picked up. I guess he's out mugging an old lady somewhere. And when I tried to call someone else, this burly policeman told me my time was up."
Lorelai sighed, before she realized something. "I still have one phone call, right?"
*
"Hello?"
"Rory, it's me."
"Mom?"
"No, it's Eartha Kitt, channeling in from another dimension," said Lorelai. "I'm going to be back a little late tonight, okay?"
"Having fun with Luke?" Rory asked.
"Well, that's one way of putting it," Lorelai said. "Oh, yeah, and I need you to do me a small favor."
"Erm, sure. What?"
"Bail me out of jail."
There was nothing but silence on the other end of the phone. "What?"
"I'm at the Hartford police lock-up. Bail me out of jail," repeated Lorelai. "Geez, don't act like it's such a strange thing. Mothers ask daughters to do this all the time."
"Why are you in jail?"
"Erm, because they thought I was a hooker?"
"Seriously."
"Oh, believe me, I'm serious."
"What happened?"
"Yeah, apparently they thought me and Luke were pulling a Hugh Grant – Divine Brown escapade kind of thing. Total misunderstanding."
"How do you misunderstand something like that?"
"Look, Rory, a very big policeman named Bubba is standing three feet away from me ready to yank this telephone out of my hands the moment my five minutes are up, so it would be great if we kind of get to the point. Which is : bail me out jail."
"But I …"
"Rory, I've got to go, Bubba's glaring at me," said Lorelai. "I'm at Hartford, come soon, because I think our three hundred pound cellmate is looking at Luke affectionately and you know what they do to pretty boys in prison."
"Did you just call Luke a pretty boy?"
"Well, he's the prettiest one here. Runner up is some guy who has so many tattoos I'm going blind."
"What kind of -"
"Argh!" Lorelai exclaimed as the policeman clicked the phone and cut off the line. "What is your problem? I was talking there."
"Five minutes were up."
"So? Like an extra ten seconds would have really contravened the law."
"Rules are rules."
"Rules are made to be broken."
"Go back to your cell, ma'am."
"Fine."
*
"So Rory's coming over?"
"Yup," said Lorelai. "My daughter is going to bail us out of prison. Wow, I never thought I'd actually hear those words come out of my mouth. Hmmm... here I am rotting away in jail while my daughter has to fend for herself. Now I know how Mena Suvari's mom felt in 'Sugar and Spice'."
"Believe me, this isn't where I thought I'd end up either," said Luke, crossing his arms.
"Hey," said Lorelai, nudging him, discreetly motioning towards a large, burly inmate in the cell across from theirs. "I think Tiny over there likes you."
"What? Don't say that."
"He's been staring at you ever since you got here."
"How would you know, you were knocked out cold half the time."
"I think it's love at first sight."
"Stop it."
"Luke and Tiny sitting in a tree…"
"Ah geez. You can't even behave yourself in jail, can you."
"What are you going to name your kids? I suggest Luke Jr., and of course, Lorelai if it's a girl."
"Stop it."
"Do they even have flannel diapers?"
"You're not funny."
"I can help you pick out a wedding dress. It'll be white with horizontal black stripes. Hehe… get it? Ooh. Or, the popular choice... Flannel! Versace will be bouncing off the wall with that one."
"Well if he doesn't, I will soon. I can't believe I'm locked in here with you."
"Hello, I'm Luke Danes, Tiny's bitc…"
"Lorelai Gilmore!" Emily's voice resonated through the hall. Lorelai froze, as she saw her mother approaching the prison bars, escorted by a policeman.
"Mom?"
"Would you like to explain to me how exactly you ended up here?"
"What are you doing here, Mom?"
"Rory called me."
"Rory called you?"
"Yes. My grand daughter called me in the middle of the night to tell me that her mother just got thrown into jail. Do you have any idea what that's like?"
"Why did she call you? I told her to come down here."
"Yes, and I'm sure asking an eighteen year old girl to drive all alone to a prison in the dead of the night is a perfectly responsible thing to do."
"It's not a prison, Mom," said Lorelai. "It's a police station."
"She didn't have the money," said Emily. "Apparently you spent it all on a gigolo."
"What?"
"She told me you used up all your money to buy some man…"
"I'm standing right here," said Luke.
"Oh," Emily looked past Lorelai, and stared at Luke. "Now it makes sense."
"Can we save the lecture for later, and just please get us out of here?" Lorelai begged.
"No," said Emily. "It seems fitting that the only time you'll listen to me is when you're behind bars. Do you have any idea how embarrassing this whole situation is? Not just for you, not just for me, but for our entire family. What do you think will happen if word of this gets out? How will Rory feel if her classmates knew about this? Do you know how utterly humiliating it is, to have a complete stranger tell you that your daughter was caught … ugh, I can't even say it."
"Mom , it was…"
"That my own daughter was caught… pleasuring… some man after they destroyed public property," Emily decided she could say it after all. "If I could bury my head in the sand now, I would. That's how embarrassed I am."
"It was an accident, Mom."
"Oh, yes, I'm sure," Emily went on. "I'm sure you accidentally knocked over that fire hydrant. I'm also sure your blouse accidentally unbuttoned itself. I'm also sure the impact from the crash accidentally sent your body hurtling towards his, creating a totally misunderstood … accident."
"Um, if I could just cut in," Luke stood up and walked towards Emily, "It really was just a misunderstanding."
"And how would you know anything about it?" Emily shot back.
"Erm… because I was there?"
"Yes, and excuse me if I don't take the word of a man who sells his body to the highest bidder."
"What?"
"Mom," Lorelai decided to interrupt them before the two of them came to blows. "Could we please finish this elsewhere? I don't like how that policeman is smirking."
"What policeman?" Emily turned around and looked at the policeman behind her, who immediately dropped his smirk when she stared at him. "What are you looking at? Do you think this is funny? This is a family crisis."
"Mom, can we please go." Lorelai was this close to actual groveling.
"I hope you've learnt a very valuable lesson from this."
"Yes. Call Sookie to bail me out of jail."
"That's not funny," said Emily. "Honestly, Lorelai, I don't know why you insist on acting like this is a joke. I'd just die if somebody from my DAR group hears about this. What if Headmaster Charleston finds out? How is Rory ever going to get any respect in Chilton?"
"We'll spread a rumor that she's adopted."
"That's your answer to everything," said Emily. She motioned for the policeman to unlock the cell door. "Come on. And we aren't done talking."
"Yes, mother," said Lorelai, as she and Luke followed Emily out of the cell.
NEXT TIME, ON "HEY MR BACHELOR MAN"
- We shift the focus to a sizzling love triangle between Jess, Dean and Tristan. Slash galore, as we discover that the only reason Dean is so emotional around Jess is because of his burning attraction to him. And what about Tristan, who just wanted to be with Rory so he could be near Dean. But who does Jess love? The answer is one certain French man who works at Lorelai's Inn.
-Lorelai grows a third arm and decides to fight crime.
-In a very special cross-over segment, Jennifer Anniston guest stars as Rachel, who, while on an assignment for Ralph Lauren, stumbles across the sleepy town of Stars Hollow, and falls in love with Luke. Will their love blossom, or will a certain Charmed One (special guest star Rose McGowan) come between them?
- And keeping up with Survivor fever: Miss Patty accosts Jeff Probst in a grocery store ("I would love to snuff his torch," she says).
WATCH FOR IT NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW HEY MR BACHELOR MAN!
PS: I know I would like to snuff Jeff Probst's torch, too. Dirrttty.