ELEVEN: THE MAGICALLY CONTROLLED PUPPET AND THE OBLIGING TREE
Lorelai and Luke stared off into the darkness as Emily's car pulled away from the driveway. Ninety percent of the journey back from Hartford was silent, and when they finally reached Lorelai's house, it was as if a huge burden was lifted. Lorelai quietly muttered a prayer of thanks that the uncomfortable ride was over, as she and Luke got out.
"You could have just asked her to drop you back off at the diner," said Lorelai, "I don't think she would have minded. Then you won't have to walk back all alone. In the dark."
"It's okay," Luke shoved his hands into his pants. "I didn't really want to be in that car any longer than I have to. The whole ride back she was giving me these death glares through the rear view mirror."
"Ah, the infamous Death Glare, an Emily Gilmore trademark. No doubt it's been improved for the year 2002 – comes complete with a withering look and stinging commentary. You're lucky we got out as soon as we did – one more minute and I think she would have tried to force you to marry me to protect my reputation."
"Ugh," Luke shuddered.
Lorelai glared at him. "Gee, thanks."
"Oh, no, I wasn't … not because it's a horrible thing… because, I mean, not that I don't want to marry you, but not that I do, it's just… I'm shuddering at the thought of your mother, because, you know, she's …"
"Okay, pull out of reverse gear there, fella," Lorelai put her hand on his shoulder. "I was just kidding."
"Er.. good," Luke sighed. "So was I."
"Yeah, you're a regular Don Rickles."
"I'd better get going," said Luke, motioning towards the direction of his diner. "I don't want to get back after Jess – too many questions. Too complicated."
"Yeah, okay," Lorelai said. "Hey, I'm really sorry about your truck. I'll help you pay for the repairs, I promise."
"Forget about it, accidents happen," Luke waved his hand. "Just go easy on the wine next time, okay? I think I've had enough of jail time to last me a lifetime."
"Promise. Cross my heart and hope that Mariah Carey dies," Lorelai traced a cross over her heart with her index finger. She turned to go. "Good night, Luke. I had a really nice time tonight. Except for the jail bit. And the Emily bit. Basically everything after the hydrant was blah."
"Yeah," Luke smiled at her. "Good night, Lorelai."
*
"Well, well," said Rory, flipping the light switch open suddenly, as Lorelai stepped inside. The once dark hall was almost instantly illuminated by the glow of the lamp. "Finally back home."
"Gah!" Lorelai took a step back, surprised. "How many times have I told you to stop lurking in the shadows? You're not Angel, okay?"
"So, how was your night?" Rory asked, sweetly.
"Oh, it was nice," said Lorelai. "By the way, thanks for calling my MOTHER to pick me up from jail. Remind me to send you a nice fruit basket. Or a decapitation."
"I didn't know what to do," Rory said, getting up from the couch, "It's not like I had the money. I searched the whole house and I only came up with $34.56 and a licorice stick… which is about six years old, so I don't think it's worth very much."
"You could have called Sookie."
"I don't know!" Rory exclaimed. "I panicked, okay? Excuse me for not knowing what to do when my mother calls me in the dead of the night and tells me that she's been thrown into jail because the cops thought she was a hooker."
"Ah, forget about it," said Lorelai, plopping down on the couch. "I'm just glad the whole thing is over. You will not believe your grandmother… she gave me such a long lecture that when we left even one of the inmates was curled up in a ball in a corner of his cell. I think the Sergeant even offered her a position on riot control."
"Is she going to take it?"
"Well, I don't know, she's been sort of busy lately what with her role in the anti-terrorism squad and everything."
"You know, while we're on the subject," Rory said, "Grandma did bring up a very good point when I spoke to her on the phone. I believe her exact words were 'What on earth is your mother doing in prison?' I had to spend three minutes telling her it wasn't because of drugs. Elaborate, please."
"Oh, it's such a long story," said Lorelai, "And it's been such a long night. I'll tell it to you tomorrow. Or 2010. Whenever I feel like it."
"Mom…"
"Okay, fine," said Lorelai. "You know how sometimes when you're walking down the road and you see this man, who looks like his magically controlling this dancing puppet with like, nothing, but actually, there are these tiny strings attached to the puppet and only you can't see them?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Rory. "So what are you saying - they arrested you for holding a puppet show?"
"Well, you could say that."
"I don't understand."
"Well, you see, the police officer, he thought I was the magician who was… magically controlling… Luke's puppet. Okay, I chose a wrong analogy. You know how sometimes in winter, you see a tree that looks like it should be…"
"Please stop."
"No, wait, this one's really good and I think it'll help you get a clear picture of what happened. You see, I'm a tree that everybody thinks was servicing Luke sexually in his truck."
"I regret asking."
"I think one day, we will all look back on this and laugh," said Lorelai. "Sure, it'll be preceded by many years of crying and shameful glances, but eventually we'll laugh."
"How did this even happen?"
"Well, Mommy became good friends with Mr. Wine," said Lorelai, "And Luke crashed his truck into a hydrant, and I spilt some water on his pants, and I'll just spare you the lewd details – needless to say, we were visited by a police officer who read us our rights, and I passed out on the way to the station."
"Why did Luke crash his truck into a hydrant?"
"Hmm, you know what? I don't actually know," said Lorelai. "My memory's pretty fuzzy on that one. Maybe I tried to grab the steering wheel or something. You do know how I like to touch other people's steering wheels when they drive."
"Yeah, you do. What's up with that?"
"I don't know," said Lorelai. "Anyways, you grandmother had a cow, I think she's going to sew me a scarlet letter to wear, as a symbol of my shame. O, for Oral."
"Ew, don't be gross."
"I don't think I can show my face at Friday night dinners anymore," Lorelai tossed t her hand on her forehead in an exaggerated manner. "The shame, the shame. I've brought my family's name to ruins."
"Slow down there, Hester," said Rory. "And how's Luke?"
"Oh, you know him, embarrassed as hell," said Lorelai. "He'll probably block this night out, like how he always does with any unpleasant events… like the time he tripped and landed face down on his own pie –"
"Funny."
"- or the time Miss Patty grabbed him and pretended it was an accident."
"Gross."
"And like those two, unpleasant events, he'll get over this one," said Lorelai. "Just don't breathe a word of this to him. I think he wants to forget this as soon as possible. And so do I."
"My lips are sealed."
"And as long as Miss Patty doesn't find out, no one else will."
*
"Oh, Lorelai," Miss Patty literally ran up to Lorelai and Rory as they were walking towards Luke's the next morning. "I just heard the news."
"What news?"
"You know," Miss Patty looked around, and then covered Rory's ears. "About your little indiscretion at Hartford."
"What?!"
"Miss Patty, what are you doing?" Rory gently removed Miss Patty's hands from her ears. "And what's going on?"
"Oh, nothing, sweetie," Miss Patty gave Rory a small pat on her head. "Your mother and I were just talking, that's all. Nothing important."
"It's all right, Miss Patty," said Lorelai, "Rory knows. Because there's nothing to know. Nothing happened. It was just a big mix-up. So I'd appreciate it if you just not tell anyone about it, okay?"
"Oh, a mix-up," Miss Patty gave Lorelai a wink. "Yes, I understand completely."
"No, you don't," said Lorelai. "It was an actual mix up."
"I get you, honey. A *mix-up*," Miss Patty stressed the last two words.
"No, I don't think you're getting it," said Lorelai, "Nothing actually happened. Stop making things seem more exciting than they really are."
"Oh, Lorelai, it's nothing to be ashamed of," said Miss Patty, "We've all been there. Why, once, when I was with this young, strapping man from Brazil and he …"
"Please cover my ears again," Rory begged.
"How did you find out about it, anyways?" Lorelai asked.
"Andrew was at Hartford last night," Miss Patty explained, "For some reason, I forget. So anyways, he saw Luke crash his truck into that hydrant, and saw the policeman, and after everything quieted down, he asked them what happened. So he told Babette, who told me. And I must say, I also speak for Babette when I say … you go girl!"
"Oh, God," said Rory. "Why isn't anybody covering my ears?"
"There's nothing wrong with being a little adventurous now and again, that's my motto," said Miss Patty.
"I thought your motto was 'The more, the merrier'," said Lorelai.
"Yes, that too," Miss Patty. "Anyways, I'm so happy for the two of you. You finally got your act together. And oooh, what an opening act, I must say. Although I must admit that I never thought Luke would be the type of man who would …"
"Yes, you're right," Lorelai cut in, "Luke isn't the type of man who would – because nothing happened. I don't know how else to convince you – I'm actually stopping short of hypnotism and voodoo magic."
"Well, if you say so," Miss Patty said, not convinced at all, "I've got to run, my ballet class won't teach itself. I'll see you girls around." She gave them a small wave before hurrying off in the opposite direction.
"This is going to be a long day," sighed Lorelai.
*to be continued *
NEXT WEEK, on a Very special Christmas Episode of "Hey, Mr. Bachelor Man"
- The town of Stars Hollow plays secret Santa, and Rory has to buy a gift for Michel. An unlikely romance soon blossoms between the two of them when she discovers that all he really needs is love.
- Dean confesses his true feelings to Jess , who is confused, since he already is in a relationship with Tristan. Special guest star Ellen Degeneres appears and tells them that the only way to be truly happy is to follow their heart.
Lorelai and Luke stared off into the darkness as Emily's car pulled away from the driveway. Ninety percent of the journey back from Hartford was silent, and when they finally reached Lorelai's house, it was as if a huge burden was lifted. Lorelai quietly muttered a prayer of thanks that the uncomfortable ride was over, as she and Luke got out.
"You could have just asked her to drop you back off at the diner," said Lorelai, "I don't think she would have minded. Then you won't have to walk back all alone. In the dark."
"It's okay," Luke shoved his hands into his pants. "I didn't really want to be in that car any longer than I have to. The whole ride back she was giving me these death glares through the rear view mirror."
"Ah, the infamous Death Glare, an Emily Gilmore trademark. No doubt it's been improved for the year 2002 – comes complete with a withering look and stinging commentary. You're lucky we got out as soon as we did – one more minute and I think she would have tried to force you to marry me to protect my reputation."
"Ugh," Luke shuddered.
Lorelai glared at him. "Gee, thanks."
"Oh, no, I wasn't … not because it's a horrible thing… because, I mean, not that I don't want to marry you, but not that I do, it's just… I'm shuddering at the thought of your mother, because, you know, she's …"
"Okay, pull out of reverse gear there, fella," Lorelai put her hand on his shoulder. "I was just kidding."
"Er.. good," Luke sighed. "So was I."
"Yeah, you're a regular Don Rickles."
"I'd better get going," said Luke, motioning towards the direction of his diner. "I don't want to get back after Jess – too many questions. Too complicated."
"Yeah, okay," Lorelai said. "Hey, I'm really sorry about your truck. I'll help you pay for the repairs, I promise."
"Forget about it, accidents happen," Luke waved his hand. "Just go easy on the wine next time, okay? I think I've had enough of jail time to last me a lifetime."
"Promise. Cross my heart and hope that Mariah Carey dies," Lorelai traced a cross over her heart with her index finger. She turned to go. "Good night, Luke. I had a really nice time tonight. Except for the jail bit. And the Emily bit. Basically everything after the hydrant was blah."
"Yeah," Luke smiled at her. "Good night, Lorelai."
*
"Well, well," said Rory, flipping the light switch open suddenly, as Lorelai stepped inside. The once dark hall was almost instantly illuminated by the glow of the lamp. "Finally back home."
"Gah!" Lorelai took a step back, surprised. "How many times have I told you to stop lurking in the shadows? You're not Angel, okay?"
"So, how was your night?" Rory asked, sweetly.
"Oh, it was nice," said Lorelai. "By the way, thanks for calling my MOTHER to pick me up from jail. Remind me to send you a nice fruit basket. Or a decapitation."
"I didn't know what to do," Rory said, getting up from the couch, "It's not like I had the money. I searched the whole house and I only came up with $34.56 and a licorice stick… which is about six years old, so I don't think it's worth very much."
"You could have called Sookie."
"I don't know!" Rory exclaimed. "I panicked, okay? Excuse me for not knowing what to do when my mother calls me in the dead of the night and tells me that she's been thrown into jail because the cops thought she was a hooker."
"Ah, forget about it," said Lorelai, plopping down on the couch. "I'm just glad the whole thing is over. You will not believe your grandmother… she gave me such a long lecture that when we left even one of the inmates was curled up in a ball in a corner of his cell. I think the Sergeant even offered her a position on riot control."
"Is she going to take it?"
"Well, I don't know, she's been sort of busy lately what with her role in the anti-terrorism squad and everything."
"You know, while we're on the subject," Rory said, "Grandma did bring up a very good point when I spoke to her on the phone. I believe her exact words were 'What on earth is your mother doing in prison?' I had to spend three minutes telling her it wasn't because of drugs. Elaborate, please."
"Oh, it's such a long story," said Lorelai, "And it's been such a long night. I'll tell it to you tomorrow. Or 2010. Whenever I feel like it."
"Mom…"
"Okay, fine," said Lorelai. "You know how sometimes when you're walking down the road and you see this man, who looks like his magically controlling this dancing puppet with like, nothing, but actually, there are these tiny strings attached to the puppet and only you can't see them?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Rory. "So what are you saying - they arrested you for holding a puppet show?"
"Well, you could say that."
"I don't understand."
"Well, you see, the police officer, he thought I was the magician who was… magically controlling… Luke's puppet. Okay, I chose a wrong analogy. You know how sometimes in winter, you see a tree that looks like it should be…"
"Please stop."
"No, wait, this one's really good and I think it'll help you get a clear picture of what happened. You see, I'm a tree that everybody thinks was servicing Luke sexually in his truck."
"I regret asking."
"I think one day, we will all look back on this and laugh," said Lorelai. "Sure, it'll be preceded by many years of crying and shameful glances, but eventually we'll laugh."
"How did this even happen?"
"Well, Mommy became good friends with Mr. Wine," said Lorelai, "And Luke crashed his truck into a hydrant, and I spilt some water on his pants, and I'll just spare you the lewd details – needless to say, we were visited by a police officer who read us our rights, and I passed out on the way to the station."
"Why did Luke crash his truck into a hydrant?"
"Hmm, you know what? I don't actually know," said Lorelai. "My memory's pretty fuzzy on that one. Maybe I tried to grab the steering wheel or something. You do know how I like to touch other people's steering wheels when they drive."
"Yeah, you do. What's up with that?"
"I don't know," said Lorelai. "Anyways, you grandmother had a cow, I think she's going to sew me a scarlet letter to wear, as a symbol of my shame. O, for Oral."
"Ew, don't be gross."
"I don't think I can show my face at Friday night dinners anymore," Lorelai tossed t her hand on her forehead in an exaggerated manner. "The shame, the shame. I've brought my family's name to ruins."
"Slow down there, Hester," said Rory. "And how's Luke?"
"Oh, you know him, embarrassed as hell," said Lorelai. "He'll probably block this night out, like how he always does with any unpleasant events… like the time he tripped and landed face down on his own pie –"
"Funny."
"- or the time Miss Patty grabbed him and pretended it was an accident."
"Gross."
"And like those two, unpleasant events, he'll get over this one," said Lorelai. "Just don't breathe a word of this to him. I think he wants to forget this as soon as possible. And so do I."
"My lips are sealed."
"And as long as Miss Patty doesn't find out, no one else will."
*
"Oh, Lorelai," Miss Patty literally ran up to Lorelai and Rory as they were walking towards Luke's the next morning. "I just heard the news."
"What news?"
"You know," Miss Patty looked around, and then covered Rory's ears. "About your little indiscretion at Hartford."
"What?!"
"Miss Patty, what are you doing?" Rory gently removed Miss Patty's hands from her ears. "And what's going on?"
"Oh, nothing, sweetie," Miss Patty gave Rory a small pat on her head. "Your mother and I were just talking, that's all. Nothing important."
"It's all right, Miss Patty," said Lorelai, "Rory knows. Because there's nothing to know. Nothing happened. It was just a big mix-up. So I'd appreciate it if you just not tell anyone about it, okay?"
"Oh, a mix-up," Miss Patty gave Lorelai a wink. "Yes, I understand completely."
"No, you don't," said Lorelai. "It was an actual mix up."
"I get you, honey. A *mix-up*," Miss Patty stressed the last two words.
"No, I don't think you're getting it," said Lorelai, "Nothing actually happened. Stop making things seem more exciting than they really are."
"Oh, Lorelai, it's nothing to be ashamed of," said Miss Patty, "We've all been there. Why, once, when I was with this young, strapping man from Brazil and he …"
"Please cover my ears again," Rory begged.
"How did you find out about it, anyways?" Lorelai asked.
"Andrew was at Hartford last night," Miss Patty explained, "For some reason, I forget. So anyways, he saw Luke crash his truck into that hydrant, and saw the policeman, and after everything quieted down, he asked them what happened. So he told Babette, who told me. And I must say, I also speak for Babette when I say … you go girl!"
"Oh, God," said Rory. "Why isn't anybody covering my ears?"
"There's nothing wrong with being a little adventurous now and again, that's my motto," said Miss Patty.
"I thought your motto was 'The more, the merrier'," said Lorelai.
"Yes, that too," Miss Patty. "Anyways, I'm so happy for the two of you. You finally got your act together. And oooh, what an opening act, I must say. Although I must admit that I never thought Luke would be the type of man who would …"
"Yes, you're right," Lorelai cut in, "Luke isn't the type of man who would – because nothing happened. I don't know how else to convince you – I'm actually stopping short of hypnotism and voodoo magic."
"Well, if you say so," Miss Patty said, not convinced at all, "I've got to run, my ballet class won't teach itself. I'll see you girls around." She gave them a small wave before hurrying off in the opposite direction.
"This is going to be a long day," sighed Lorelai.
*to be continued *
NEXT WEEK, on a Very special Christmas Episode of "Hey, Mr. Bachelor Man"
- The town of Stars Hollow plays secret Santa, and Rory has to buy a gift for Michel. An unlikely romance soon blossoms between the two of them when she discovers that all he really needs is love.
- Dean confesses his true feelings to Jess , who is confused, since he already is in a relationship with Tristan. Special guest star Ellen Degeneres appears and tells them that the only way to be truly happy is to follow their heart.