TWELVE: THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY IN ANCIENT GREECE
Note from author: Took me a while to write this, I know. But beware, this chapter does not further the plot of the story. It's irrelevant. I couldn't think of how to carry forward the plot so I wrote this fodder piece. : ) Don't hate me too much, okay? And don't forget… reviews are my friends, because I don't have any real ones (friends, that is).
"This is a perfect day start to my morning," Lorelai grumbled as she pulled Rory away and walked speedily towards Luke's diner. "If things keep up, I should be bleeding from a head wound by lunch."
"Aw, mom, Miss Patty was just being herself," Rory said, "It'll all go away soon."
"Yeah? But how soon is soon? I'll have you know, soon is relative - to you, what if soon means to you what forever means to me, and who are you to say that your soon is the acceptable level of soon-ness by which all time should be measured?"
"You took your crazy pills today, didn't you."
"I mean, Miss Patty's idea of 'soon' could be even longer – if she were in Ancient Greece and they asked her when computers would be invented, she would probably say 'soon'."
"Okay, mom, unless Miss Patty has invented some form of time-traveling device, or she is Michael J. Fox, there's no way that scenario could ever happen," Rory said. "I think you need to take a deep breath, calm down, grab a nice cup of coffee. Preferably in that order."
"Ugh, I want to hit Miss Patty over the head with a stick. One that's blunt but edgy."
"And now we've crossed into violence," Rory stopped and pointed to Luke's diner. "Look, Luke's. What say we go in and get coffee."
"Oooh. Coffee. Me like coffee. Coffee good. Calming down, thinking of coffee," Lorelai sighed.
"That's a good girl," Rory pushed open the door and walked in. She found an empty table near the counter and took a seat, Lorelai following close behind.
Luke walked up to them. "So, what are you having?"
"A large blunt stick with which to mutilate a fellow town member," said Lorelai. "And coffee."
"Same here," said Rory. "Minus the large blunt stick."
"So, one large blunt stick and two coffees," Luke repeated.
"Yes."
"Say, Miss Patty walked in a couple of minutes ago," Luke said, "And she kept giving me the strangest look. It was like a half-wink with a half-smile. It was neither here or there. Did she finally get that stroke?"
"In a perfect world, the answer would be yes," said Lorelai.
"Miss Patty get on your nerves today, too?"
"It's a very long story," said Lorelai. "Could you bring us our coffee please? If I don't get my fix soon I might actually turn into one of those movies with Jane Seymour in them – dull and lifeless."
"I'll get right on it," said Luke, turning around and walking to the counter.
"Don't forget my stick."
"I'll get right on that, too."
"Oh!" Rory got up. "My bus!"
"What?" Lorelai looked around. "Where?"
"No! My bus, I'm late," Rory put her wrist forward so her mother could look at her watch. "I totally forgot, the bus driver said he would come early today."
"What? Why?"
"I don't know," said Rory. "I was reading so I wasn't really listening. Anyways, I have to run or I'm going to miss my bus and Paris will laugh in my face."
"Ah, Paris. God bless that child."
Rory picked her school bag from her chair and slung it over her shoulder. "I'll see you later today, okay, mom?" She turned and hurried out the door, but not before she gave Luke a frantic wave goodbye as she tumbled out of the dinner and raced towards her bus.
"Hmm. She forget something?" Luke asked, as he put down a cup of coffee on Lorelai's table.
"No, early bus."
"Ah." Luke sat down opposite Lorelai. He seemed to hesitate a moment before he did it, but he did it anyways. "Hey, Lorelai…"
"If this is about last night, I am so sorry," said Lorelai, reaching into her purse. "I know, it was completely my fault, and I know what you said earlier, but if you'd just listen to me, I'm sure you won't be completely against a small cheque for your truck."
"Come on, Lorelai, you know I won't take your money."
"But your truck's all wrecked. It was your pride and joy. It was like the child you never had. It's like … I killed your child. If this were 'A Map of the World', I would be Sigourney Weaver to your Julianne Moore."
"Hey, it's no big deal, it's just a care. I'm just glad things didn't end up as bad as they could have. Nobody got hurt, so that's the important thing."
"Yeah, but if I didn't get you to take part in that stupid bachelor auction, and if I didn't drink all that wine you wouldn't have crashed your truck and we wouldn't have ended up in jail."
"Well, the bachelor auction *was* stupid," said Luke, after a while, "And there's no way in hell I'm doing that again. But if it's anybody's fault, it's Taylor's."
"Why Taylor?"
"If he didn't organize it you wouldn't have persuaded me to join it in the first place," said Luke, with a small smile. "So let's put the blame on Taylor and leave it as that, okay?"
"Are you sure? Because if you want, I could pay for at least half …"
"It's fine," said Luke. "Forget about it."
"But your child…"
"I'll adopt another."
Lorelai laughed. "Okay, but if you ever change…"
"Give it a rest, Lorelai."
"I don't know the meaning of rest."
"It's a verb, meaning to cease work or activity," said Luke, getting up. "Look it up."
"Oh, that's the pot calling the kettle a kitchen instrument used for heating, Workaholic Wally," said Lorelai. "If I had a dollar for ever day you took a day off, I wouldn't even have enough money to buy one of Monica Lewinsky's handbags over the internet."
"Hey, I can't just up and leave the diner whenever I feel like it. People depend on me for food. And I know *you* depend on. The last time I went out of town for a couple of days I found you in the corner of your room, curled up in a ball and whispering 'coffee' over and over again."
"Let's not talk about that," said Lorelai. "It was a very tough period in my life. Although Rory did say I sounded a lot like Gollum that one time. My preciousssss coffee."
Luke gave her a look. "Stop that."
"You have no idea who Gollum is, do you."
"You're going to tell me anyway no matter what I say."
"How can you have not watched Lord of the Rings? What is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you mad? Is that it? Are you crazy? Are you mad?"
"Look, Lorelai, I don't have time to wa …"
"You at least read the book , right? How could you have not read the book? You must have read it in high school, at least. What is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you mad? Is that it? Are you crazy? Are you mad?"
"When I was in high school, I was too busy helping out in my dad's hardware store to even read, okay. Now, if you…"
"You're sadly uneducated in pop culture. I must say I'm disappointed."
"And I must say I want to leave. I have work to do, Lorelai, or have you forgotten that I actually run a diner."
"You're an embarrassment."
"Go home, Lorelai. Or to work. Go somewhere."
"They should put you parade you around town and shame you."
"I'm busy."
"Anna Nicole Smith would look at you in disgust."
"If I make you some pancakes will ya keep quiet?"
"Deal."
"Good," said Luke, as he walked behind the counter.
* end of this part *
NEXT WEEK ON HEY MR. BACEHLOR MAN
1. Lorelai finds out she is pregnant with Sookie's baby. How will this affect her relationship with Luke, and Sookie's relationship with Jackson?
2. Stars Hollow holds its first annual Charles Manson appreciation day – but one towns member takes the celebrations a little to far when Michel is found decapitated outside the Inn. The mystery thickens as Rory is spotted wielding an axe and drinking beer…. is it Rory, or is it her twin sister Lorita that Lorelai gave away at birth?!
Note from author: Took me a while to write this, I know. But beware, this chapter does not further the plot of the story. It's irrelevant. I couldn't think of how to carry forward the plot so I wrote this fodder piece. : ) Don't hate me too much, okay? And don't forget… reviews are my friends, because I don't have any real ones (friends, that is).
"This is a perfect day start to my morning," Lorelai grumbled as she pulled Rory away and walked speedily towards Luke's diner. "If things keep up, I should be bleeding from a head wound by lunch."
"Aw, mom, Miss Patty was just being herself," Rory said, "It'll all go away soon."
"Yeah? But how soon is soon? I'll have you know, soon is relative - to you, what if soon means to you what forever means to me, and who are you to say that your soon is the acceptable level of soon-ness by which all time should be measured?"
"You took your crazy pills today, didn't you."
"I mean, Miss Patty's idea of 'soon' could be even longer – if she were in Ancient Greece and they asked her when computers would be invented, she would probably say 'soon'."
"Okay, mom, unless Miss Patty has invented some form of time-traveling device, or she is Michael J. Fox, there's no way that scenario could ever happen," Rory said. "I think you need to take a deep breath, calm down, grab a nice cup of coffee. Preferably in that order."
"Ugh, I want to hit Miss Patty over the head with a stick. One that's blunt but edgy."
"And now we've crossed into violence," Rory stopped and pointed to Luke's diner. "Look, Luke's. What say we go in and get coffee."
"Oooh. Coffee. Me like coffee. Coffee good. Calming down, thinking of coffee," Lorelai sighed.
"That's a good girl," Rory pushed open the door and walked in. She found an empty table near the counter and took a seat, Lorelai following close behind.
Luke walked up to them. "So, what are you having?"
"A large blunt stick with which to mutilate a fellow town member," said Lorelai. "And coffee."
"Same here," said Rory. "Minus the large blunt stick."
"So, one large blunt stick and two coffees," Luke repeated.
"Yes."
"Say, Miss Patty walked in a couple of minutes ago," Luke said, "And she kept giving me the strangest look. It was like a half-wink with a half-smile. It was neither here or there. Did she finally get that stroke?"
"In a perfect world, the answer would be yes," said Lorelai.
"Miss Patty get on your nerves today, too?"
"It's a very long story," said Lorelai. "Could you bring us our coffee please? If I don't get my fix soon I might actually turn into one of those movies with Jane Seymour in them – dull and lifeless."
"I'll get right on it," said Luke, turning around and walking to the counter.
"Don't forget my stick."
"I'll get right on that, too."
"Oh!" Rory got up. "My bus!"
"What?" Lorelai looked around. "Where?"
"No! My bus, I'm late," Rory put her wrist forward so her mother could look at her watch. "I totally forgot, the bus driver said he would come early today."
"What? Why?"
"I don't know," said Rory. "I was reading so I wasn't really listening. Anyways, I have to run or I'm going to miss my bus and Paris will laugh in my face."
"Ah, Paris. God bless that child."
Rory picked her school bag from her chair and slung it over her shoulder. "I'll see you later today, okay, mom?" She turned and hurried out the door, but not before she gave Luke a frantic wave goodbye as she tumbled out of the dinner and raced towards her bus.
"Hmm. She forget something?" Luke asked, as he put down a cup of coffee on Lorelai's table.
"No, early bus."
"Ah." Luke sat down opposite Lorelai. He seemed to hesitate a moment before he did it, but he did it anyways. "Hey, Lorelai…"
"If this is about last night, I am so sorry," said Lorelai, reaching into her purse. "I know, it was completely my fault, and I know what you said earlier, but if you'd just listen to me, I'm sure you won't be completely against a small cheque for your truck."
"Come on, Lorelai, you know I won't take your money."
"But your truck's all wrecked. It was your pride and joy. It was like the child you never had. It's like … I killed your child. If this were 'A Map of the World', I would be Sigourney Weaver to your Julianne Moore."
"Hey, it's no big deal, it's just a care. I'm just glad things didn't end up as bad as they could have. Nobody got hurt, so that's the important thing."
"Yeah, but if I didn't get you to take part in that stupid bachelor auction, and if I didn't drink all that wine you wouldn't have crashed your truck and we wouldn't have ended up in jail."
"Well, the bachelor auction *was* stupid," said Luke, after a while, "And there's no way in hell I'm doing that again. But if it's anybody's fault, it's Taylor's."
"Why Taylor?"
"If he didn't organize it you wouldn't have persuaded me to join it in the first place," said Luke, with a small smile. "So let's put the blame on Taylor and leave it as that, okay?"
"Are you sure? Because if you want, I could pay for at least half …"
"It's fine," said Luke. "Forget about it."
"But your child…"
"I'll adopt another."
Lorelai laughed. "Okay, but if you ever change…"
"Give it a rest, Lorelai."
"I don't know the meaning of rest."
"It's a verb, meaning to cease work or activity," said Luke, getting up. "Look it up."
"Oh, that's the pot calling the kettle a kitchen instrument used for heating, Workaholic Wally," said Lorelai. "If I had a dollar for ever day you took a day off, I wouldn't even have enough money to buy one of Monica Lewinsky's handbags over the internet."
"Hey, I can't just up and leave the diner whenever I feel like it. People depend on me for food. And I know *you* depend on. The last time I went out of town for a couple of days I found you in the corner of your room, curled up in a ball and whispering 'coffee' over and over again."
"Let's not talk about that," said Lorelai. "It was a very tough period in my life. Although Rory did say I sounded a lot like Gollum that one time. My preciousssss coffee."
Luke gave her a look. "Stop that."
"You have no idea who Gollum is, do you."
"You're going to tell me anyway no matter what I say."
"How can you have not watched Lord of the Rings? What is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you mad? Is that it? Are you crazy? Are you mad?"
"Look, Lorelai, I don't have time to wa …"
"You at least read the book , right? How could you have not read the book? You must have read it in high school, at least. What is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you mad? Is that it? Are you crazy? Are you mad?"
"When I was in high school, I was too busy helping out in my dad's hardware store to even read, okay. Now, if you…"
"You're sadly uneducated in pop culture. I must say I'm disappointed."
"And I must say I want to leave. I have work to do, Lorelai, or have you forgotten that I actually run a diner."
"You're an embarrassment."
"Go home, Lorelai. Or to work. Go somewhere."
"They should put you parade you around town and shame you."
"I'm busy."
"Anna Nicole Smith would look at you in disgust."
"If I make you some pancakes will ya keep quiet?"
"Deal."
"Good," said Luke, as he walked behind the counter.
* end of this part *
NEXT WEEK ON HEY MR. BACEHLOR MAN
1. Lorelai finds out she is pregnant with Sookie's baby. How will this affect her relationship with Luke, and Sookie's relationship with Jackson?
2. Stars Hollow holds its first annual Charles Manson appreciation day – but one towns member takes the celebrations a little to far when Michel is found decapitated outside the Inn. The mystery thickens as Rory is spotted wielding an axe and drinking beer…. is it Rory, or is it her twin sister Lorita that Lorelai gave away at birth?!