TITLE: I Am Not Lonely
AUTHOR: Jillian
RATING: G
CATEGORY: Angst
SPOILERS: Nothing specific, but in general: Requiem, Within, Without, Existence, Nothing Important Happened Today I & II, to name a few.
TIMEFRAME: It takes place in season nine, after Mulder has left Scully and William, but before the episode 'William' happens.
SUMMARY: "The night is left lonely, from the hills to the sea. But I, who cradle you, I am not lonely."--Gabriela Mistral, 'I Am Not Lonely.'
FEEDBACK: Yes, please! To the site or at JILLIBEAN@aol.com
AUTHORS NOTES: I read this poem for English a while ago, and this came to mind. Just a little something I though I'd post in between my longer stories. Hope you like it.
DISCLAIMER: What would they do if I said 'Yes, I do own the X-Files, and all the mentioned characters. I'm making millions off of them, and copy-right infringement is intended.' Would they really sue me?
The poem 'I Am Not Lonely' is written by Gabriela Mistral, and was translated by Langston Hughes. I am not making any profit off of her work, and no copyright infringement is intended.
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"I Am Not Lonely"
by Gabriela Mistral
The night is left lonely
from the hills to the sea.
But I, who cradle you,
I am not lonely!
The sky is left lonely
should the moon fall in the sea.
But I, who cling to you,
I am not lonely!
The world is left lonely
and all know misery.
But I, who hug you close,
I am not lonely!
I hold William close in my arms, cradling his tiny frame. I pull him close to my chest, shielding him, protecting him. I hate having to let him go, even for seconds. I hate leaving for work every morning, because I'm afraid. These people keep taking him, insisting he's "special." I don't want him to be special, I want him to be my son and a miracle, but not anyone else's miracle. I want to be his protector, but it's so hard...
Its times when I'm cradling him like this that I wonder if I'd be better off with a normal life. A white picket fence, a husband, two point five children, a dog, and a job as a doctor. I wouldn't have known Mulder, we wouldn't have produced William, yet still, I wish for that life for his sake. My son did not choose to be born to an FBI Agent seeking "the truth." He did not ask to be born to a father who could never see him or his mother, who had to hide, fearing for his life and the lives of his family. Family. How I wish we had a normal family.
I know I've made the right decisions in life. I do not regret the course I've chosen, because I'm fighting the good fight. I just never knew how difficult that fight would be. I've lost too much, and without Mulder here it's harder. A tear slides down my cheek, one I hadn't noticed in my eyes. I cry for Mulder, the man I love, because he is not here to hold and protect his son as I am. I am lucky to have him here, but I am so stricken to have Mulder taken away from me.
I'm crying heavily, now clinging to William. He is my resolve, my strength. He is why I will never give up. He is the beauty of the truth. He is the result of two crusaders, two people seeking that truth, seeking each other. Without Mulder here, I so often wonder why I continue. When I look at my son, I can see why. I look into his eyes, and realize he is my life, my will to continue. With his father gone, I am alone but not lonely. I have my son here, who is the spirit of his father and all he stood for. He is "special", somehow relating to our tireless search. He is miraculous, born of a barren womb. He should not be yet he is, and he has saved my life time and again just as his father has. Mulder had my back in the field, rescuing me from more serial killers, freaks, and mutants than I could count. Now, in a different way, each day my son saves me.
I look out into the night sky. It's dark, darker than usual. I can't see the moon, or any bright stars. It's rather fitting for my mood, I think, as I wipe a tear haphazardly with one hand, still supporting the child against my chest. I know his father is out there somewhere, but as long as William is with me, I am not lonely. I have him here, and he keeps me living. There were so many times I thought I could not continue like this--"alone." But I am not alone. I would think of ending it all, and then I would see my son. If it were not for him, I would have ended everything so long ago, when I lost Mulder the first time. The promise of his life saved me then, and his presence saves me now when I am again without his father.
I stop crying and hug the child. The world could fall apart outside--which it may very well do one of these days--but it would not matter. I have my son, *our* son. Even though his father is not here to see him, I am not alone. I spent a large portion of my life alone, and lonely. Now, however, with just William, I am not lonely. I miss his father, and his father is probably lonely. I am thankful that I am not, that I have my son here to love. I save him, and he saves me. I keep him safe, or at least try to, and he keeps me alive and searching. We need each other, and it's ironic how dependent I am on a tiny child, especially since my entire life was a fight for independence. Now, however, I need William. I need him here with me more than I have ever needed anyone. I need him here to combat that loneliness his father had to leave me with.
With him, I am not lonely.