Title: Because
Chapter 3/3: Buffy
Author: Anna
Website: http://devoted.to/spark
Feedback: what's not to love about it?
A/N: as you've all guessed, yes, this chapter is Buffy's POV and its incredibly cliché… all the chapters are just kinda general thoughts after 'Bring On The Night' because I got this brilliant idea the other day to write about Buffy's thoughts on her relationship with Spike (from a Spuffer's POV, lol) and the first two chapters were actually an after thought… oh well… enjoy! And don't forget to review :)
It's painful, you know. It's all so painful. The scratches on my face, the bruises on my limbs, the twinge in my back… but it's nothing compared to the emotional torture I'm feeling right now.
My big speech had worn me out and I retired back to my room, curling up in a ball in the soft comfort of my bed. It's times like these that I long to be comforted by someone… anyone. But I always build a wall around myself, never letting that desperately needed comfort in. Why do I do that? I think it's a slayer thing. Or it could just be me… maybe it's just the normal part of me that is so screwed up.
I hear the front door open and close, and then the soft pattering of feet on the stairs and the soft closing of doors down the hall. I strain my ears for another sound, but all is finally quiet on the home front. That's when I break down.
The tears come freely as I bury my face into my pillow. I sob and hiccup and try to breath deeply to calm myself, but I know the tears won't stop anytime soon. I scold myself for the breakdown, saying that I should be stronger than this. There I go again, trying to be strong when I don't have to be.
As my breathing slows my thoughts drift to Spike, wondering if he's even still alive. What kind of torture is he enduring? I sigh. The same kind of torture he's been enduring since he came back… and I didn't help him. I reprimand myself again for not taking action sooner. Maybe if I had, he'd still be here… still be with me…
I imagine Spike's soft touch as I close my eyes and picture him wrapping his arms around me. He whispers words of reassurance, telling me I don't have to be tough for him. I start to cry again and I crave his embrace. If only I had saved him…
When I chained him up in the basement I had no intention of pouring out my heart to him. I told everyone I was just going down to check on him, to make sure there was no major damage, and to see if he knew anything about what was happening to himself… but I lied to them. I was worried about him. I was so worried that I might be forced to stake him or that he wouldn't be able to come back from all this. As soon as he started talking I knew what he wanted me to do. He wanted me to kill him to ensure all of our safety. God, I could never do that…
His words were harsh, and I suddenly realized that he doesn't understand that he is good. I've been telling him he's evil for so long that I guess he finally started to believe me.
Me and my big mouth. I had to fix that. I took a step closer to see his face better in the dim light of my basement, and I saw all the pain and fear he held in his eyes. Then I started to rant. I'm not sure exactly what I said. I remember the feelings behind it, but not the exact words. It's hard to remember what comes straight from your heart.
Oh! But I do remember the last part of my speech…
"You might not see it. But I do. I do." I can clearly remember the look on his face as I say this. That image is priceless. "I believe in you, Spike."
But my words of faith have once again come too late because suddenly the power goes out and the Bringers attack us. If I had known they were coming for Spike, I would have stayed in the basement. But how could I know?
The First has him and I was crushed when I realized I might never see him again. There was so much good he was still supposed to do. For the world… for himself… for me. And there was still so much more I could do for him.
That's when I made the oath that I would get him back. I owed him that much. If I am able to save him…no. When I save him… I will say all the things to him that I never got to say. I will be true to myself and for once I will allow myself to simply get lost in his sapphire eyes… I will put everyone else's opinions out of my mind and lead my life the way I want to… because for once I'm going to try.
So, why am I so sure I can change? Why am I so adaman? Why is it going to work out this time?
Because I love him.
Author's Note: I can just hear the collective "aww" lol. I hope you all liked the story and thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews! If you want to read more of my stories, you can look them up on fanfiction.net or go to my site…
http://devoted.to/spark