Once upon a time, there was a young lady.  Sometimes she would lock herself into her room, turn on her laptop, and pretend she had some writing talent.  This was totally false, but that's life.  A lot of the time she didn't write, though.  Instead, she went to fanfiction sites and read… well, fanfiction.  Duh.  Fanfiction does tend to be on fanfiction sites.

She rather liked Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, a comic book by the almighty Jhonen Vasquez.  Unfortunately, she had only read one book, but she did know the plotlines for the others.  So, one day, in an attempt to fill the non-JtHM-ness in her life, she went to fanfiction.net to read JtHM fanfiction.

God Almighty.

"Pathetic" is too weak a word.

Of course, she didn't think she could do much better, either.  So she went about her business like a normal person, lalalala, isn't life great.

But this would be pretty darn boring and pointless if that was all that happened.

Not that it's not going to be boring and pointless.

Gee.  I really don't like myself, do I?

Right.  So she registered the name "Jaz," mostly because she liked it.  (And no, it has nothing to do with "Gaz."  When I chose the name "Jaz," I had no idea that anything remotely resembling that name had been used by Mr. Vasquez.)  She will be known as Jaz for the remainder of this pointless bit of text, and you will never know her real name, so nyeah.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.

And now, through a nifty contrived plot device to get this darn thing off the ground, she appeared in the "Magical Pretty-Author Office-Type-Thing" in the world of JtHM.  (Jaz got hit in the head with a magical pretty-author sparkly presto-change-o rolling pin given to her by a fuzzy-cute animal.  Don't ask.)  Then, through another nifty contrived plot device, she got a strange disease.  And she got to know Johnny-doll and Squee and Devi and stuff, because magical pretty-authors are just too darn cool like that.  (read: Jaz doesn't feel like going into that.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.)

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"I dun feel good…"  Jaz glowered at her laptop screen, wrapped in multiple layers and clutching a cup of tea.

"Moof," she added intelligently as a certain homicidal maniac kicked in the door to her office.  "Don't break the door.  I like the door.  It has a lock.  Locks are pretty…"

"What… have… you… DONE… to me?"  You-know-who glowered at her. 

"I came down with a nasty case of Badfic-a-writeis," Jaz answered.  "It burns… it burns…"

"You're destroying my character."

"Me?  It's the disease!  Don't hurt me… I like life…"

Johnny stared at Jaz in disgust as she burst into tears.

"I'm out of character.  I eat puppies.  And on top of this all, once I leave this office, random caps locks pop into being.  Do you know how ANNOYING this is?" he asked in an extremely out of character way.

"Go 'way."  And with magical pretty-author powers, Nny turns and walks out the door.

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OUTSIDE:

OOOOOOMG!!!!!111  LIKE, NNY GOES OUTSIDE AND HESEESLIKE THIS CHICK and she's like hi nny and he's like how do you know who i am and she's like oooomfg!!111111!!! YOU're like the coolest and he's like i 'm going to killyou now and she pulls out aknife and says no i'm going to kill you no you arent yes i am no yes my name is jaz whoa, you're hottt!!!!111 let;s have sex yes lets and they went and had HOT SEX LIKE OOOOOOMFG!!!!1111!!! 

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Somewhere, in a Magical Pretty-Author Office-Type-Thing, Jaz sneezed and got another scarf.

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KILL ME NOW! screamed the last vestiges of the Johnny's OOC sanity.

Suddenly, the bad spelling and annoying "!!!11" things disappeared. 

Instead, the scene magically shifted to midnight.  Mary Sue Jaz (MSJ for short) and Johnny are stargazing.

And now I shall wax poetic about MSJ's many good points.  Her long chestnut hair flowed to her slender, tapering waist.  Her beautiful, finely cut features were striking in the moonlight.  Her large blue eyes were piercing.  She was beautiful, but deadly.  The many knives she had hidden about her person and the waves of death she left behind were silent testimony to that.  So.  Is the audience insanely jealous of MSJ?  Or do they just want to kill her?  I personally want to end the life of the magical pretty-author.  Gee, who does this author think she is, anyway?  Stupid bitch.  Can't even use the brains God gave her to write a fic with a point.  Ah, well, c'est la vie.

Johnny held the beautiful MSJ in his arms and gazed into her beautiful blue eyes, eyes he could drown in. 

Magical pretty-author suddenly felt ill.

"I… I love you, MSJ," Johnny said quietly.

"I love you too," she replied.

Magical pretty-author lurched towards the bathroom, both hands clamped over her mouth.

Johnny kissed MSJ on the lips.  Insert cherubs, flowers, fireworks, romantic music, etc, here, if you will.  I refuse to defile my writing any worse.

And they lived happily ever after – after adopting Squee and killing his parents and they went around randomly killing people and the first person they killed was Devi because she was a bitch and was only using Johnny and blaaaaaa bla bla bla, hear (see?) me type away like a total idiot over a pathetic story with no plot and a blatant Mary Sue because I don't have the brains to come up with an original idea.

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Author's Notes (kinda sorta… moof.)  Gee, it's hard to type like that.  Er.  This was written after utter sickness at the massive amount of Mary Sues that pop into JtHM fanfiction… and people who can't spell… and the caps lock.  Oh God, the caps lock.  May the great Zoamel Gustav strike down the followers of the false god, Caps Lock.  Not to say that all OCs are Mary Sues.  I've seen some that were pulled off quite well in all fandoms, but let's admit it: someone who can kill like Johnny-doll can is a Mary Sue. 

And I'd write more, but I'm too tired to get my braincells to stupid down quite that much, so nyeah.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.