Rite of Descent

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  Thank fate – it saves you from Irish Drinking Songs.

Author's Note: Yet another parody of mine, this time the target are all those stories out there where Harry/Ron/Hermione/Draco/Ginny/Etc. are the distant descendants of the Hogwarts founders, and are forced to take some epic quest to rid the world of evil.  Ok, not the biggest subset of ff.net.  Oh well, it's got Filch – surely that's worth something.

"What is it now, Ginny?" Ron asked in exasperation.  His little sister had been popping in and out of her 4th year dormitory for the last hour, each time coming up with a flimsy excuse to bother Harry, Hermione, and her brother.

However, this time, instead of caving in, she steeled herself and half-squeaked, "I want to read you three something."  Ginny yet again went inside her dorm room.

Ron was about to remark about his sister's odd habits, when an irresistible urge filled his brain.  Without even thinking, he bolted out of the common room, following the instincts inside of him.  He didn't even realize that Harry and Hermione were right behind, in the same half-trance.

Ginny emerged from her dorm and reentered the commons, blushing furiously.  If she didn't have her eyes clenched shut in nervousness, she would have noticed that only Fred and George were left in the room.  "Are you three ready?" she asked anxiously.

Fred, desperately trying to sound like his younger brother, and trying even harder not to snigger, called, "Uh-huh."

Ginny, her eyes still clenched, read her composition, which obviously must have been memorized.  "1000 Reasons I Love Harry Potter.  Number one, I love Harry Potter because he's so brave.  Number two, I love Harry Potter…"
"Ooh, this is going to be good," whispered George.

Ron, Hermione, and Harry finally came to their senses, and saw that they were at the rolling hills slightly south of Hogsmeade.  Even more amazing, Dumbledore was smiling down at them.

"Professor, we didn't… how…" Harry sputtered.

"Calm down," Dumbledore softly spoke.  Harry suddenly noticed a robed figure running towards them at an alarming pace.  Harry gasped in fright as he saw that he figure was none other than Voldemort.

"I am glad you could join us, Mr. Riddle," Dumbledore spoke as Voldemort came to his senses as well.

"Riddle…" Ron nervously said, "Tom Riddle?  As in, You-Know-Who?!"

Voldemort whipped around, noticing the students for the first time, "Potter!  Finally I will be able to finish the job I started 15 years ago!"

However, Voldemort couldn't seem to find his wand, and Dumbledore took the opportunity to say, "Your wand is not on hand, Tom.  I am sure you four are wondering why you're here.  Well, as you know, Hogwarts was founded by four wizards and witches.  However, you probably don't know that each of you is an heir to them.  Harry is the heir to Godric Gryffindor.  Hermione is the heir to Rowena Ravenclaw.  Tom Riddle is the heir to Salazaar Slytherin.  And Ronald Weasley is the heir to Helga Hufflepuff."

"I'm the heir to… Hufflepuff?" Ron asked in a state between confusion and outrage.

"What are we doing here?" Voldemort asked almost cautiously, realizing he was alone and wandless next to his two worst enemies.

Dumbledore smiled and said, "Unfortunately, a curse was somehow created when the four founders disbanded.  Every 114 years, the heirs to all four must reenact the final years.  Or else the magical world will cease to exist."

Although Harry, Ron, and Hermione all gasped, Voldemort began to smile.  Dumbledore noticed this and chided, "Tom, if that happens, you and your death eaters will vanish as well."

Everyone was silent as this.  Finally, Harry asked, "Well, what do we reenact?"

Dumbledore started his narrative, "The four founders created Hogwarts in peace.  However, shortly after, the relationship they all shared began to change.  First, Godric Gryffindor and Rowena Ravenclaw fell in love."

Harry and Hermione both looked at each other and muttered, "Er…"

"Then," Dumbledore continued, "Helga Hufflepuff fell in love with Salazaar Slytherin."

"NO!" Ron shouted, while Harry and Hermione shot him sympathetic looks.

"However," Dumbledore said, "Salazaar didn't like Helga, believing her to be an unintelligent fool.  But he also grew jealous as Godric and Rowena grew closer together.  So Salazaar tried to love Helga, but couldn't, and eventually the two separated.

"Whew!" breathed Ron.

"Finally driven to madness," Dumbledore continued, "Salazaar created a legion of crazed circus monkeys."

"Yes," Voldemort whispered, "We're to the good part!"

"And he terrified the world until eventually being stopped by Godric smacking him upside the head with a two by four," Dumbledore finished.

"Number 463," Ginny continued, eyes still shut, "I love Harry Potter because of his scar, which hints at his dark and dangerous past.  Number 464…"

"First up," Dumbledore commanded, "Is the declaration of love between Rowena and Godric."

Harry and Hermione both groaned, but walked up to each other.  "Rowena," Harry hesitantly said, "I, er, love you."

Hermione blushed and stammered, "I love you too, Godric."  The two then stood and looked at each other, not knowing what to do.

Finally, Ron burst out, "You two are hopeless.  Watch.", then walked up to Hermione and kissed her passionately on the lips.

Eventually, Ron let up and backed away.  "Er, could you show me that again?" Hermione asked weakly, although nobody heard her.

Harry hesitantly walked forward and said, "I love you," and briefly kissed Hermione.

"Now it's time," Dumbledore announced, "for Helga and Salazaar."  Ron shuddered.

"Number 693," Ginny listed, "I love Harry Potter because of his hair, which screams 'Try and tame me.'  Number 694…"

"NO! I won't do it!" Ron insisted stubbornly.

"Ron," Hermione hissed, "it's for the sake of the world!"

Ron clenched his teeth, but managed, "I love you… Slytherin."

Voldemort appeared to relish the momentary position and hissed, "Yet I don't love you, you idiotic, foolish, sodding moron!"

While Ron glared at Voldemort, Dumbledore said, "Now Salazaar grows jealous…"

Voldemort appeared to lose his appetite for the game abruptly and merely hissed, "I've grown jealous.  I hate you two."

"… and marries Helga"

Voldemort turned back to Weasley and said, "Let's marry."

Ron gulped, obviously never imagining being proposed to by the dark lord.  Still, he managed to catch on to how the entire ordeal was being speeded up by Voldemort, and merely said, "Yes.  Let's."

Dumbledore looked at the two in slight annoyance, but said, "Helga and Salazaar later break up…"

"Get lost," Voldemort hissed.

"Sod off," Ron shot back.

"…and Salazaar creates a horde of crazed circus monkeys and sets them loose on the world," Dumbledore said.  "Hmmm… I think we'll need some help.  Fortunately, the heir to Zimbolu, the head chieftain of Salazaar's elite monkey legion, is close by."

Dumbledore closed his eyes, and suddenly made a person appear before them.  Harry gasped in amazement as he saw it was Argus Filch.

"Where am I?" Filch asked, confused.

Voldemort turned to the caretaker in disgust and said, "Go, Zimbolu, and reign terror upon the world."

"What?" Filch demanded, even more confused.

Dumbledore narrated, "Then, finally, Godric defeated Salazaar by whacking him upside the head."

After the headmaster conjured a plank of wood, Harry eagerly grabbed it and smacked Voldemort with it.  Dumbledore finished, "And the massive monkey armies all collapsed."  Harry quickly took the opportunity to knock Filch with the board as well.

Dumbledore looked over the scene for a moment, and then pronounced, "It is finished.  Cataclysm has been averted for another 114 years.  You're all free to go."

Ron, Hermione, and Harry all eagerly left, leaving Dumbledore and the stunned bodies of Voldemort and Filch behind.

"Number 819," Ginny said, with her eyes still clenched while blushing, "I love Harry Potter because of his unsurpassable quidditch skills.  Number 820…"

"That was very amusing, Albus," McGonagall said, after everyone had departed besides the headmaster, and she made her way from the tree she was hidden behind.  "Still, it's completely false."

Dumbledore looked at her with his eyes twinkling and asked, "Why do you say that?"

McGonagall replied, "It doesn't make any sense.  First, Rowena didn't have any children outside of her marriage with Godric.  So, logically, any heir to Ravenclaw would also be an heir to Gryffindor, and vice-versa.  Second, Hufflepuff never had children.  She doesn't have an heir.  Third, if Hufflepuff had an heir, it most certainly wouldn't be Ron Weasley, especially since he's not even the eldest child in the family.  And both of us know there was no such thing as an army of crazed circus monkeys!"

Dumbledore smiled and said, "You're absolutely right.  I just read up on a new compulsion charm and wondered if I could get Tom Riddle to let Harry Potter smack him with a piece of wood."

"And number 1000," Ginny said, "I love Harry Potter because…"

Ron, Harry, and Hermione all entered through the portrait, still in shock about what had just happened, and were greeted by Ginny finishing, "Harry Potter, you've been one of the best friends in my life!"

Ginny finally opened her eyes and smiled nervously.  Harry stammered, "Er, thanks Ginny.  I think the same about you."

Ginny immediately let out a giddy squeal, ran over, and kissed Harry.  After a few seconds, she noticed everyone in the common room was staring at her, and quickly ran back to her dorm room.

Harry said in a puzzled voice, "Ginny sure is acting strange tonight."

"And what is up with those two?" Ron asked, looking at his elder brothers, crying with laughter on the floor.

---

Time for the flame awards!  I'll keep them short – they were starting to approach the size of the parodies themselves.

Nightmare on Mary-Sue Street

AVADA KEDAVRA!!!! (A flash of green light illuminates wherever you are reading this and Kevin lays sprawled on the floor, never to write bad fluff stories again)

But What About Ron?

Eat [deleted] You [deleted] [deleted] please die a most painful and bloody death

A/N: Crystal (not the person who wrote that) deserves some credit (not for a flame) – I used her idea for Hermione's hair and Harry's muscles in Hogwarts: with Hormones.  Sorry the credit is so belated.

Not Another James and Lily Fic

YOU LITTLE [Deleted]! I OUGHTA STUFF YOUR BLOODY EXCUSE OF A FANFIC UP MY NOSE AND SNEEZE IT OUT INTO YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOU WILL CHOKE AND BE SEVERELY TORTURED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!

Malfoy Sings, Voldemort Laments, A Tragic Tale

OMG!! DRACO AND HERMIONE WILL SO NEVER EVER EVER LIKE EVER HOOK UP !  HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT? I TOTALLY THINK YOU SHOULD BE TAKEN INTO CAPTIVITY BY THE EVIL CAMELS AND TOTRTURED UNMERCIFULLY BY THE COMMUNIST SQUIRRELS DANCING PINK CROCIDILES!

Hogwarts: With Hormones

SICK AND WRONG!! You *points a finger at Kevin* are so sick! I am honestly so shocked that someone could even think of writing this kind of garbage! It is so surprising that you have that sick of a mind!

Lumberjacks and Pining for Harry

That was god awful! Please be run over by a dump truck filled with acid, that has a leak! Battery acid! And then, even when you think you are going to die from acid burns and being run over, have the battery bunny thing (you know who I'm talking about you gay!) step on your head! Then he will pound his drum in your ear and you will go deaf! Then I will come and laugh. Then I'll walk away.