Who I really am
They think they know me. They think they've got me sussed. But they're wrong. They will never know. Only you ever knew the real me.
I'm sorry I did not speak to you on the Farplane. I could not face it. I will never say goodbye to you, as you are always with me…
I remember how we met. Do you? It's as clear as yesterday to me. I was in a ht with Yuna, showing her the beautiful Besaid weavings… All of a sudden you and Wakka burst in, play-fighting as always over nothing. I caught your gaze and that was that. I was in love.
We were so different, you and I… you were always so cheerful and full of life. As for me… well, I think it is safe to say that I did not fit in well with Besaid life. When my parents were killed, I was infected with Sin's toxin. I spent years of my childhood bedridden. It made me quiet, reserved…
Or as you liked to put it, "Grumpy".
It is strange to think that we were together for so long… just you, me, Wakka and Yuna. I suppose it seems such a short time now because I long for it… I would give everything to watch you play Blitzball again, to have you laugh at my flaws…
To have you kiss me.
It is strange to be only twenty-two and have the one thing in your life that gave it any meaning snatched away from you. You know the worst part of it all? That you died before I could say goodbye. Before I could tell you that I loved you.
Before I could say I was sorry.
I hate myself for doing it.
You had pledged to join the Crusaders, even though I had asked- no, begged- you to stay. I was so hurt, so lonely, so confused, and nobody understood.
Except Wakka.
I regretted it from the moment I did it. We both did. Wakka's guilt was heartbreaking. When he told you what had happened, you forgave him. I'm so glad of that. But though you claimed to forgive me, the coldness in your heart towards me was undeniable. Wakka too distanced himself from me. He only talked to me after…
I remember that day well. I went to meet Wakka during half time at Luca to beg his forgiveness, as I did every day. All of a sudden I saw Luzzu running down the hall, saying the Crusaders had fought Sin. I followed him as he headed to the Aurochs room…
He told us the news soon enough. Many had died fighting Sin. You were amongst the fallen.
That moment runs through my mind every day. Wakka was screaming at Luzzu, refusing to believe it at first, and then getting at Luzzu, blaming him for you leaving. It wasn't his fault. It was ours, and we knew it.
Eventually Luzzu left, leaving only Wakka and myself. He stood in silence, looking out on to the arena until I lay my hand on his shoulder. He spun round and buried himself in my arms, weeping. As for me… I suppose I was too distraught for tears.
Do not think that just because I never cried over you that your death did not touch me. Your death did not just cause me a few months of tears. It ripped away my youth, slaughtered my spirit... it took away every human touch I ever had, leaving me empty.
Wakka told you about Tidus. The resemblance is shocking, but that is all it is. A resemblance. Wakka is trying to use the boy as an incarnation of you, a new chance to right the wrongs of before… Tidus told me that I should move on from you. Even into the arms of Wakka, of all things. You have to understand that I will never forget you, but he does have a point when he says I should move on.
I doubt I will ever love anyone like I loved you. But I have a responsibility to Yuna to protect her with my mind, body, soul and heart. I cannot do this while my heart pines for you.
I love only you, Chappu. Do not forget. I know I will not.