Disclaimer: I don't own them. JK Rowling does.
Notes: This was created as a complete parody, designed to use all the cliches of slash stories written about the HP fandom. Nothing against slash since I do love it quite a lot. Dedicated to Andrea because this was written for her.
WARNINGS: Slash. HP/SS, HP/RL, HP/SB, HP/Everyone, extreme use of cliches. Often written in quite poor taste. *grins*
Harry Potter was dead tired, so tired that he wanted to do nothing more than fall into his dormitory and sleep for days. Then again, Quidditch would do that to you. Quidditch . . . the game that made Harry's body lean and muscular and perfect in every aspect of the word . . . of course. That's just what happens by his seventh year. Everyone knows that already. If you don't then you're stupid. And you're not down with the cliches. Stupid.
Anyway, Harry walked back to Hogwarts, dragging his broom behind him, when who should appear in the doorway but Severus Snape. Harry stopped dead and stared up at the Potions Master. Weird, all of the sudden the man looked strangely . . . appealing. Of course, Harry was used to finding men attractive, ever since that day in fifth year when he had rubbed a little too close to Draco Malfoy. Yes, ladies and gentlmen, Harry Potter was gay. Gay since that fateful day. Yep, that day was his undoing, but Draco is kinda hot, so we'll forgive him.
On with the story. Severus was standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips looking mighty attractive, even if Harry hadn't noticed it in his two whole years of being decidedly gay. Severus glared at Harry and for a moment, Harry wondered if he saw lust in the depths of those black eyes.
"Potter!" Severus snapped. "The Headmaster wants to see you."
Harry followed, staring at the back of Severus' robes as they swished around his hips and . . . Harry shook his head. He couldn't let his mind wander there, not while he was wearing his Quidditch uniform which wasn't exactly the biggest robe he'd ever worn.
Severus must have done something, Harry decided. The Potions Master didn't look *that* good on a regular basis. Maybe he had been uglifying himself in order to hide from Voldemort . . . well, it made sense, didn't it? No, I didn't think so either.
Whatever the case was, Severus looked good and Harry was suddenly realizing it. He kept his mouth shut until they reached the winding staircase that led to Dumbledore's office, then tossed a grin in Severus' direction.
Severus scowled back in response. Only Harry would DARE to toss Severus a grin like that . . . he was, after all, THE BOY WHO LIVED! Muahahahahaha! Err . . . right, where was I?
"Chocolate frogs," Severus growled at the staircase and it slowly began to move upwards.
Harry grinned; you could always count on Dumbledore to use some kind of candy as his password. Candy, or something about socks, the Headmaster was strangely fond of socks.
Harry and Severus entered Dumbledore's office together and stood in front of his desk, Harry still sneaking appreciative glances in Severus' direction.
"Harry," Dumbledore said warmly. "So good to see you."
Harry smiled. "Sexy Sev-er . . . Professor Snape said you wanted to see me."
No one seemed to notice his slipup, but Severus' frown seemed to deepen.
Dumbledore nodded. "I did want to see you, my boy. You may leave us, Severus."
Severus nodded and left the office, his robes billowing around him (in a very sexy manner, mind you) as he left.
Dumbledore steepled his fingers in his chin and stared at Harry gravely over his glasses. "Now, Harry, I understand that you're flamingly gay."
Harry's jaw dropped. "What? Does everyone know?"
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "How can we not, my dear boy? It's so . . . obvious. I mean, you're THE BOY WHO LIVED, after all."
Harry stared at the Headmaster, unsure of what to say.
"Anyway," Dumbledore continued, waving his hand. "That's not the point. The point is that I'm tired with being cryptic, Harry. Enough of this 'is does not do to dwell in dreams and forget to live' nonsense."
Harry frowned. "What do you mean, Headmaster?"
Dumbledore fixed him with a stern gaze. "It's my understanding that Sexy Sev, as you so fondly called him, has been madly in love with you for the past seven years. I'll admit, I'm a lecherous pervert who has no business telling my student to go fuck his teacher, especially since teacher-student relationships are generally looked down upon, but I think in this case I can make an exception. Harry, please go give Severus a good shag."
Harry left Dumbledore's office five minutes later, completely baffled and completely horny, which was an odd combination.
On his way back to the Gryffindor common room Harry ran into Draco in the hall. Draco was carrying his broom as well and, HEY! Would you look at that. Draco's body is lean, toned and muscular as well. Must be all that broom riding those boys do. No pun intended. Honestly.
Draco grinned at Harry, because, as everyone knows, they were sleeping together. "Hey, Potter."
Harry just nodded and continued walking down the hall.
Draco glared after him, then put his hands on his hips (dropping his broom in the process) and stuck out his lower lip.
"Fine!" he yelled. "See if I ever give you a blow job in the showers, LOVE! Muahahahahaha!" he cackled, then ran off toward the Slytherin common room to shag some other random male character who also happens to be gay.
Harry was so deep in thought that he didn't see Sirius Black until it was too late. They collided headlong into each other and Sirius grinned.
"Harry, if you want some of the godfather action, just ask."
Harry just shook his head. Sirius had been teaching there since his sixth year when he had been cleared of all his crazy murder charges and become Remus Lupin's male lover. Who was also working at Hogwarts at that time. Wasn't everyone?
Including Hermione, even though she hadn't graduated from school, she was just THAT smart. But she's a female and doesn't have a penis and isn't gay, so she doesn't matter.
Harry sighed and looked at Sirius. "Do you think Severus is in love with me?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh boy, lemme tell ya. Who isn't Severus in love with? Once he's stopped making himself ugly in order to hide from Voldie, you'll want him bad. Trust me."
"That theory makes no sense," Harry said.
"Shut up!" Sirius hissed. "You're ruining the cliches!" He stood up and brushed off his robes. "C'mon kid, Moony and I will make you feel all better."
Harry grinned, suddenly deciding that a raunchy threesome with his godfather and werewolf teacher was EXACTLY the thing he needed.
Three hours, twenty nine minutes and six seconds later, Harry stumbled breathlessly from Remus' chambers, clutching his robes to his chest. He'd never know that Quidditch uniform turned Remus into a wild animal like that . . . no wonder his father had has such fond memories of Remus.
A moment later Sirius and Remus stepped out of the chambers, still nuzzling and kissing, because, as I've mentioned, EVERY SINGLE MALE IS GAY . . . except maybe Dumbledore . . . and Hagrid.
Remus paused and sniffed the air, then turned, his golden eyes narrowed and looked at the curtains that hung on either side of the random window.
"Severus," he growled, "I can smell you." He sniffed the air again. "Oh, Lord, couldn't you wait?"
Harry turned to look at the curtains and found it bulging in the very obvious place that Severus was standing. The Potions Master's black shoes stuck out from the bottom of it. And if that doesn't make him look ridiculous, I don't know what does.
Severus stepped out guiltily from behind the curtains, then fell to the floor, sobbing. (Hey, he's either evil, or a big softie and I don't have time to get into the masochism.)
"I'm sorry, I'm just so in love with Harry that I can't see straight."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Last week you were in love with me, the week before with Sirius and the week before that with Draco. Just go back to Luicus. He'll fix you up real nice." Remus smiled knowingly because he had also had sex with Lucius. Lucius Malfoy has had sex with everyone ... I swear, EVERYONE. Even me. Lucius is a big slut, his life soundtrack is music from a cheesy 70's porn.
Back at Hogwarts, Severus was still tearful.
"I want to be with Harry forever," he said.
"HEY!" Ron yelled, jumping out from behind the curtain. "What about me?"
Harry's eyes bulged. "Ron! I didn't know you were gay!"
Ron sighed and spoke as if he were addressing a two year old. "Harry, love,"
"That's MY pet name for him," Draco was heard from somewhere random.
Ron rolled his eyes and began again. "Harry, baby, don't you get it? The writer is being made to torture us. It's a cliche. We're all bloody well gay! Get used to it."
Harry nodded. "Is that why there aren't any girls in this story?"
"Well," Ron said. "Hermione ought to appear at any moment and advise us all on our present situation because she's just sooooooo understanding. She'll know what to do about everything. And the fact that we're all gay will warm her heart. Just wait."
In that instant, Hermione walked into the darkened classroom and stared at them all. "Wow. You're all in a big mess, aren't you?"
Every single gay male in the room nodded his head . . . which meant everyone was nodding at the same time. Even Neville and Draco who had appeared from down the hall with their arms around each other.
Hermione sighed and began to tick things off on her fingers. "Remus and Sirius are perfectly happy together, everyone leave them alone." She glared at Harry. "And that means no more raunchy, sweaty, sexy, hot, steamy threesomes with them. Severus, go back to Lucius you big whore. You've done things Harry can't even fathom yet." She paused, scrutinizing the room. "Harry and Draco, you two have to stay together beacause you're mortal enemies and it's just SSSOOOOOO obvious. Ron and Neville .. well, you two figure something out without blowing anyone up."
Remus sniffed the air again. "Hey, do I smell a conclusion?"
Sirius broke into a big grin. "You smell something, alright, Moony," he said, grabbing him and pulling him back into the room they had just had their threesome in.
Harry noticed just then that Severus was, indeed, completely handsome. Because, God only knows, Alan Rickman isn't enough for you people out there! He doesn't just oooooooooze sex appeal, right? Stupid, unappreciative jerks. Fine, Severus now looked remarkably like ... well, someone handsome, other than Alan Rickman. And Harry was turned on ... again, the kid is a machine, I tell you. A sex machine.
Thankfully, before he could do anything, Lucius Malfoy stepped into the room and crooked his finger in Severus' direction. Somewhere in the distance cheesey porno music began to play and Severus went running after Lucius' retreating form. Hey, I'd run after him too and I'm not a gay man.
Harry looked over at Draco, who was standing alone now that Neville had run over to NOT blow things up with Ron.
Harry tried a hesitant smile. "Sorry I ignored you in the hall."
Draco shrugged. "It's okay."
"Can we go fuck like bunnies now?" Harry asked.
Draco grinned and nodded. "Damn right."
So they ran off together and everyone was happy because they were all having sex. Except Hermione. She was left standing in the middle of the room, all alone, still feeling completely satisified because she had fixed all the problems.
And *THAT*, ladies and gentlemen, is what too many books can do to you. Make you an oblivious virgin for the rest of your life.
THE END
*grins* Wasn't that horrid? And I also don't agree with the too many books line ... I like books. Anyway, this was written for Andrea and it was fun to write, so I figured I post it and share the insanity with everyone!
Notes: This was created as a complete parody, designed to use all the cliches of slash stories written about the HP fandom. Nothing against slash since I do love it quite a lot. Dedicated to Andrea because this was written for her.
WARNINGS: Slash. HP/SS, HP/RL, HP/SB, HP/Everyone, extreme use of cliches. Often written in quite poor taste. *grins*
Harry Potter was dead tired, so tired that he wanted to do nothing more than fall into his dormitory and sleep for days. Then again, Quidditch would do that to you. Quidditch . . . the game that made Harry's body lean and muscular and perfect in every aspect of the word . . . of course. That's just what happens by his seventh year. Everyone knows that already. If you don't then you're stupid. And you're not down with the cliches. Stupid.
Anyway, Harry walked back to Hogwarts, dragging his broom behind him, when who should appear in the doorway but Severus Snape. Harry stopped dead and stared up at the Potions Master. Weird, all of the sudden the man looked strangely . . . appealing. Of course, Harry was used to finding men attractive, ever since that day in fifth year when he had rubbed a little too close to Draco Malfoy. Yes, ladies and gentlmen, Harry Potter was gay. Gay since that fateful day. Yep, that day was his undoing, but Draco is kinda hot, so we'll forgive him.
On with the story. Severus was standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips looking mighty attractive, even if Harry hadn't noticed it in his two whole years of being decidedly gay. Severus glared at Harry and for a moment, Harry wondered if he saw lust in the depths of those black eyes.
"Potter!" Severus snapped. "The Headmaster wants to see you."
Harry followed, staring at the back of Severus' robes as they swished around his hips and . . . Harry shook his head. He couldn't let his mind wander there, not while he was wearing his Quidditch uniform which wasn't exactly the biggest robe he'd ever worn.
Severus must have done something, Harry decided. The Potions Master didn't look *that* good on a regular basis. Maybe he had been uglifying himself in order to hide from Voldemort . . . well, it made sense, didn't it? No, I didn't think so either.
Whatever the case was, Severus looked good and Harry was suddenly realizing it. He kept his mouth shut until they reached the winding staircase that led to Dumbledore's office, then tossed a grin in Severus' direction.
Severus scowled back in response. Only Harry would DARE to toss Severus a grin like that . . . he was, after all, THE BOY WHO LIVED! Muahahahahaha! Err . . . right, where was I?
"Chocolate frogs," Severus growled at the staircase and it slowly began to move upwards.
Harry grinned; you could always count on Dumbledore to use some kind of candy as his password. Candy, or something about socks, the Headmaster was strangely fond of socks.
Harry and Severus entered Dumbledore's office together and stood in front of his desk, Harry still sneaking appreciative glances in Severus' direction.
"Harry," Dumbledore said warmly. "So good to see you."
Harry smiled. "Sexy Sev-er . . . Professor Snape said you wanted to see me."
No one seemed to notice his slipup, but Severus' frown seemed to deepen.
Dumbledore nodded. "I did want to see you, my boy. You may leave us, Severus."
Severus nodded and left the office, his robes billowing around him (in a very sexy manner, mind you) as he left.
Dumbledore steepled his fingers in his chin and stared at Harry gravely over his glasses. "Now, Harry, I understand that you're flamingly gay."
Harry's jaw dropped. "What? Does everyone know?"
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "How can we not, my dear boy? It's so . . . obvious. I mean, you're THE BOY WHO LIVED, after all."
Harry stared at the Headmaster, unsure of what to say.
"Anyway," Dumbledore continued, waving his hand. "That's not the point. The point is that I'm tired with being cryptic, Harry. Enough of this 'is does not do to dwell in dreams and forget to live' nonsense."
Harry frowned. "What do you mean, Headmaster?"
Dumbledore fixed him with a stern gaze. "It's my understanding that Sexy Sev, as you so fondly called him, has been madly in love with you for the past seven years. I'll admit, I'm a lecherous pervert who has no business telling my student to go fuck his teacher, especially since teacher-student relationships are generally looked down upon, but I think in this case I can make an exception. Harry, please go give Severus a good shag."
Harry left Dumbledore's office five minutes later, completely baffled and completely horny, which was an odd combination.
On his way back to the Gryffindor common room Harry ran into Draco in the hall. Draco was carrying his broom as well and, HEY! Would you look at that. Draco's body is lean, toned and muscular as well. Must be all that broom riding those boys do. No pun intended. Honestly.
Draco grinned at Harry, because, as everyone knows, they were sleeping together. "Hey, Potter."
Harry just nodded and continued walking down the hall.
Draco glared after him, then put his hands on his hips (dropping his broom in the process) and stuck out his lower lip.
"Fine!" he yelled. "See if I ever give you a blow job in the showers, LOVE! Muahahahahaha!" he cackled, then ran off toward the Slytherin common room to shag some other random male character who also happens to be gay.
Harry was so deep in thought that he didn't see Sirius Black until it was too late. They collided headlong into each other and Sirius grinned.
"Harry, if you want some of the godfather action, just ask."
Harry just shook his head. Sirius had been teaching there since his sixth year when he had been cleared of all his crazy murder charges and become Remus Lupin's male lover. Who was also working at Hogwarts at that time. Wasn't everyone?
Including Hermione, even though she hadn't graduated from school, she was just THAT smart. But she's a female and doesn't have a penis and isn't gay, so she doesn't matter.
Harry sighed and looked at Sirius. "Do you think Severus is in love with me?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh boy, lemme tell ya. Who isn't Severus in love with? Once he's stopped making himself ugly in order to hide from Voldie, you'll want him bad. Trust me."
"That theory makes no sense," Harry said.
"Shut up!" Sirius hissed. "You're ruining the cliches!" He stood up and brushed off his robes. "C'mon kid, Moony and I will make you feel all better."
Harry grinned, suddenly deciding that a raunchy threesome with his godfather and werewolf teacher was EXACTLY the thing he needed.
Three hours, twenty nine minutes and six seconds later, Harry stumbled breathlessly from Remus' chambers, clutching his robes to his chest. He'd never know that Quidditch uniform turned Remus into a wild animal like that . . . no wonder his father had has such fond memories of Remus.
A moment later Sirius and Remus stepped out of the chambers, still nuzzling and kissing, because, as I've mentioned, EVERY SINGLE MALE IS GAY . . . except maybe Dumbledore . . . and Hagrid.
Remus paused and sniffed the air, then turned, his golden eyes narrowed and looked at the curtains that hung on either side of the random window.
"Severus," he growled, "I can smell you." He sniffed the air again. "Oh, Lord, couldn't you wait?"
Harry turned to look at the curtains and found it bulging in the very obvious place that Severus was standing. The Potions Master's black shoes stuck out from the bottom of it. And if that doesn't make him look ridiculous, I don't know what does.
Severus stepped out guiltily from behind the curtains, then fell to the floor, sobbing. (Hey, he's either evil, or a big softie and I don't have time to get into the masochism.)
"I'm sorry, I'm just so in love with Harry that I can't see straight."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Last week you were in love with me, the week before with Sirius and the week before that with Draco. Just go back to Luicus. He'll fix you up real nice." Remus smiled knowingly because he had also had sex with Lucius. Lucius Malfoy has had sex with everyone ... I swear, EVERYONE. Even me. Lucius is a big slut, his life soundtrack is music from a cheesy 70's porn.
Back at Hogwarts, Severus was still tearful.
"I want to be with Harry forever," he said.
"HEY!" Ron yelled, jumping out from behind the curtain. "What about me?"
Harry's eyes bulged. "Ron! I didn't know you were gay!"
Ron sighed and spoke as if he were addressing a two year old. "Harry, love,"
"That's MY pet name for him," Draco was heard from somewhere random.
Ron rolled his eyes and began again. "Harry, baby, don't you get it? The writer is being made to torture us. It's a cliche. We're all bloody well gay! Get used to it."
Harry nodded. "Is that why there aren't any girls in this story?"
"Well," Ron said. "Hermione ought to appear at any moment and advise us all on our present situation because she's just sooooooo understanding. She'll know what to do about everything. And the fact that we're all gay will warm her heart. Just wait."
In that instant, Hermione walked into the darkened classroom and stared at them all. "Wow. You're all in a big mess, aren't you?"
Every single gay male in the room nodded his head . . . which meant everyone was nodding at the same time. Even Neville and Draco who had appeared from down the hall with their arms around each other.
Hermione sighed and began to tick things off on her fingers. "Remus and Sirius are perfectly happy together, everyone leave them alone." She glared at Harry. "And that means no more raunchy, sweaty, sexy, hot, steamy threesomes with them. Severus, go back to Lucius you big whore. You've done things Harry can't even fathom yet." She paused, scrutinizing the room. "Harry and Draco, you two have to stay together beacause you're mortal enemies and it's just SSSOOOOOO obvious. Ron and Neville .. well, you two figure something out without blowing anyone up."
Remus sniffed the air again. "Hey, do I smell a conclusion?"
Sirius broke into a big grin. "You smell something, alright, Moony," he said, grabbing him and pulling him back into the room they had just had their threesome in.
Harry noticed just then that Severus was, indeed, completely handsome. Because, God only knows, Alan Rickman isn't enough for you people out there! He doesn't just oooooooooze sex appeal, right? Stupid, unappreciative jerks. Fine, Severus now looked remarkably like ... well, someone handsome, other than Alan Rickman. And Harry was turned on ... again, the kid is a machine, I tell you. A sex machine.
Thankfully, before he could do anything, Lucius Malfoy stepped into the room and crooked his finger in Severus' direction. Somewhere in the distance cheesey porno music began to play and Severus went running after Lucius' retreating form. Hey, I'd run after him too and I'm not a gay man.
Harry looked over at Draco, who was standing alone now that Neville had run over to NOT blow things up with Ron.
Harry tried a hesitant smile. "Sorry I ignored you in the hall."
Draco shrugged. "It's okay."
"Can we go fuck like bunnies now?" Harry asked.
Draco grinned and nodded. "Damn right."
So they ran off together and everyone was happy because they were all having sex. Except Hermione. She was left standing in the middle of the room, all alone, still feeling completely satisified because she had fixed all the problems.
And *THAT*, ladies and gentlemen, is what too many books can do to you. Make you an oblivious virgin for the rest of your life.
THE END
*grins* Wasn't that horrid? And I also don't agree with the too many books line ... I like books. Anyway, this was written for Andrea and it was fun to write, so I figured I post it and share the insanity with everyone!