Chapter Four:
Surrendered Dreams
Images flashed through my mind, stirring up a stream of emotions as they passed: "Maybe you should try backing into it from somewhere else." … "You're act only works on an audience." ... "Ok, I'll pray for you." … "Like we could be secret friends?" … "I know now you're my only hope." … "People can see." … "You don't know how to be someone's friend." … "I'm not allowed to date." … "Everyone can dance." … "You choose." … "I feel wonder, beauty, joy, love." … "I told you not to fall in love with me." ... "Are you trying to seduce me?" … "I love you." ... "To marry in the church where my mother grew up, the church where my parents were married." … "I'm sick."… "I'm scared of not being with you." … "Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself."… "You're my angel." … "I, Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan, do solemnly swear to take Landon Rollins Carter as my lawfully wedded husband, to love him and cherish him all the days of my life."
I rode the roller coaster, reliving the best and worst moments of my life, clearly seeing the puzzle pieces being strategically placed – all bringing me to my present with Jamie.
Suddenly I found myself on our front porch, sitting in the glider with an open Bible in my lap. Browsing Romans, Chapter 8, one passage caught my eye:
"Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience." Romans 8:24-25.
A young boy rode his bike down the street. Raising his hand from the handlebars, he waved, "Good evening, Reverend Carter. Tell Jamie hi for me."
My eyes strained to open. "It was all a dream… Wow." The rain had stopped, and the sun was just starting to peak its face over the horizon. Inhaling the fresh air, I glanced down to find Jamie's head resting on my chest, her arm stretched out across my abdomen – her bare skin against mine. "Now this – this is perfection." My mind reflected on our tender expressions of love that had filled the previous evening as I carefully ran my fingers through her still damp hair.
"Mmmm…" Jamie's eyes fluttered open.
"Morning."
"Good morning." She turned her head to face me. "It stopped raining."
"It's the beginning of a new day." My fingers lightly traced her features, and a smile graced her face. There was an unspoken understanding that with Jamie's health as it was now, the closeness we had just shared was a one time occurrence, but that only made it all the more special. "Have you ever read Romans 8:24-25?"
"Have I? Oh my, many a time! Why do you ask?" She seemed almost surprised at it being mentioned, although I failed to see why.
"It was in my dream last night, and it's just really stuck with me." The whole dream had, actually – I mean, Reverend Carter?
"Wait here. I've got something for you." Jamie stood, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears; she left the balcony and escaped inside the house.
"Reverend Carter? Reverend Carter? Lord, where did that come from? …"
"I meant to give you this last night, but it slipped my mind," she explained as she knelt down on the blankets and handed me a small, pale yellow book tied with a plaid ribbon. She was positively glowing, and I could tell she was really excited to be giving it to me.
Taking it into my hands, I was nervous. It was obviously something of personal value to her. I carefully opened the cover, letting my eyes fall upon the gentle sweeping cursive on its pages. I shot Jamie a glance. "Romans 8:24-25? Where did you …? What did you …?" I was astonished.
"The Lord shared that verse with me in a dream right after I was diagnosed. That's a special passage, isn't it?" She rested her hand on my knee as I turned the page – it was her to-do list. "It was that verse that inspired me to start my list in the first place."
It was all there:
1. Marry in the church my parents were married
2. Become a mother
3. Lead a child to the Lord
…
7. Make a medical discovery
8. Own my own home
…
21. Spend a year in the peace core
…
32. Be in two places at once
…
42. Befriend someone I don't like
43. Get a tattoo
…
I could not believe what I was looking at – here in my hands was everything that Jamie had ever hoped for, ever dreamed of. It went on for pages. Little checkmarks occasionally left in the margins. I was touched to see little stars next to each and every dream I had helped her fulfill. "Jamie, I … I can't take this."
"Landon, I want you to have it." Her hands went to my face caressing it as she went on. "When I married you yesterday, my dreams were pushed aside – sacrificed for something much more important." She could see the confusion on my face. "My dreams were surrendered to our dreams, Landon."
"You're too good to me."
She only shook her head, leaning in to place a dainty kiss upon my lips. Whenever she kissed me and our breaths mingled, she made it clear to me through her tenderness and sheer innocence that her love for me was pure. Each kiss left me winded – wanting more of her touch, her sweet scent, and her kind words. "What am I ever going to do without her?"
I set the book to the side, quickly returning my attentions to my wife. "Jamie, is that a freckle there behind your knee?" I grabbed her leg, lifting it up to inspect it.
Jamie fell back on her back. "Landon! What are you doing?" Laughter was erupting from her as she tried to grab me. "Landon!"
"Ticklish, are we?" My fingers were tip-toeing their way up the outside of her leg, stepping from freckle to freckle. When I reached her stomach, she captured me, grabbing my arm and pulling me down to her.
I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me while I listened to her gentle breaths. We laid there, watching the sunrise in silence – just like we had in the cemetery. Neither of us wanted to move. We knew that when we left the balcony, things would be different; we would have to face reality and all that it would entail. "If only we could just remain here in this moment forever…Lord, I don't know what awaits us – I'm not even sure if I want to know. All I do know is that I have never known contentment until Jamie walked into my life. But, I trust you now… I really do. Please teach me to have hope in the things that I cannot see and to make the most of every second I have with Jamie at my side."