Chapter Six:

Unanswered Questions

            Jamie and I drove to her doctor's in silence, neither really knowing what to say.  "How to you even begin to comfort the person you love the most, when you don't even know how to come to terms with what is going on?" 

The radio was playing, but I was too deep in thought to really notice it.  That is, of course, until something caught my attention.  "…An eloquent example of this is the first single, "Fly," off of Jars of Clay's new album, written about a friend whose wife succumbed to cancer not long after the couple wed."

Jamie's hand reached up to turn the station, but something in me stopped her.  "Jamie, it's okay.  I need to hear this."

"Yeah," her answer was a mere whisper as her hand reached for mine.

"Addressing the loss of a loved one through the eyes of faith means those left behind must cling to the hope of an afterlife, but it's a bittersweet consolation expertly conveyed here.  Take a listen:

Be still; let your hand melt into mine.
The part of me that breathes when you breathe is losing time.
I can't find the words to say I'll never say goodbye.
I'll fly with you through the night

so you know I'm not letting go.
I'm not letting go.
My tears like rain fill up the sky.
Oh my love, I'm not letting go, I won't let you go.
I saw the host of silent angels waiting on their own.
Knowing all the promises of faith come alive

when you see home.
Hold still and let your hand melt into mine.
I'll fly with you through the night

so you know I'm not letting go.
I'm not letting go.
Tears like rain fill up the sky.
Oh my love, I'm not letting go, I won't let you go.
I won't let you go.

Shed your heart and your breath and your pain and fly.
Now you're alive."

            Tears were running down my face as God showed me exactly what my heart had been so scared of – letting go.  I pulled into the parking lot and took the first open spot before I poured my soul.  "Jamie!  Jamie!  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I've been such a fool."  Her hands went to my face, carefully wiping away my tears, allowing her own to continue their descent down her face.  "The past few days, I've felt numb – not knowing what to say to you.  The only thing I knew was that I wasn't ready to let go of you yet.  But now … now I realize that I don't ever have to let you go – in fact, I never will."

            Jamie wrapped her arms around me, "Landon, I've always wanted to fly – especially with you."

            I pulled back slightly to look at her tearful face where a smile was slowly beginning to appear.  "Just not yet, okay?"

            "No, not yet."  She laughed, "We haven't even seen the doctor yet, remember?  We're still in the parking lot!"

            A few minutes later we were sitting in an examination room and they were running blood tests.  "Well, Jamie, everything appears to be fine, although you are running a bit of a fever… We'll see what we get back from the lab, here, shortly."  Dr. Marshall took a seat next to the two of us.  "I heard the two of you recently got married.  Congratulations.  How long ago was this?"

            "It will be two weeks on Saturday," Jamie answered proudly, looking at me with a smile.

            The doctor continued, "I must admit, I find it very admirable."

            "Well, we're in this one together."  I responded.

            It was just about that time that the door opened and the nurse handed Dr. Marshall a stack of papers.  "Thank you.  Now then, let's see what we have here."  He flipped through the stack, stopping at each one to browse its contents.  "I don't see anything that is any different from our last visit three weeks ago, Jamie."

            Jamie and I let out a sigh of relief and I squeezed her hand.  He flipped to the next page.  "Wait a second… what do we have here? …  Landon … could you please give me a moment alone with Jamie?"

            I stood to leave, everything in me telling me to stay.  "Didn't you just say the two of you were in this together?  She needs you – now more than ever."

            My hesitance must have been noted, because Jamie placed her hand on my arm.  "It's alright, Landon, really."

            I headed towards the waiting room, not at all happy with the situation.  "Hmm… the receptionist is busy on the phone, so if you can just sneak over there and get her coffee mug, then you could use it to listen through the door and actually hear what's going on with your wife … yeah, there you go."  I was rather impressed with my spy abilities as I crept up to the desk and quietly lifted the mug.  "You've done it!  You're home free.  Now just act cool."

            "I'm sorry; can I help with you with anything Sir?"  The receptionist had lowered the phone from her ear and was now staring directly at me.

            "Um… no, I was just getting a magazine."  Trying to recover, I grabbed the first magazine within reach, sat down the coffee mug, and took a seat in the waiting room.  "Real smooth, real smooth.  Wait a second… why is everyone looking at me?"  I opened my magazine to find Big Bird staring back at me.  Sliding down in my seat, I hid behind the magazine, fully realizing that I had just made a scene to grab a copy of Sesame Street Magazine.

            Hearing a door open down the hallway, I peered over my magazine to catch Jamie exiting the room, wiping her eyes. 

            "Wow, if I had known that they had a subscription to Sesame Street Magazine, I would have swapped you places," she joked as she approached the waiting room.

            "Hey, I'll have you know there was a touch-and-go moment there where it looked like the Cookie Monster was going through withdrawals after Big Bird ate the last of his cookies.  We're not talking kid-stuff here."  I have to admit, by this point even I was laughing.  I sounded ridiculous, and frankly, I didn't even care.

            "Of course we're not."  Jamie patted me on the shoulder, trying her best to keep a straight face as we headed towards the door.  "Do you suppose we could stop by the store on the way home?  Since your mother is having the two of us and both of our fathers over on Sunday for Father's Day, we should stop and pick-up a few cards."

            "Sure thing."  Noticing that Jamie wasn't volunteering any information about her talk with the doctor, I decided to prod.  "So what did Dr. Marshall have to say?  How are you feeling?"

            She just smiled, replying, "I feel fine."  She let herself in the car, and buckled up.

            "Well, that clears up a lot of unanswered questions," I muttered as I buckled my seatbelt and then started the car. 

            Jamie leaned over, lightly kissing me on the lips.  "Yes, I thought so, too."