Chapter Seven:

I'm not Letting Go

            "Lord, what is it?  What is Jamie keeping from me?  I know I saw her wipe her eyes as she left the examining room. … Okay, Landon…  You've been over this a thousand times, ran through her every word searching for subtext, and have come up with nothing.  Just give her some time." 

            I looked up at Jamie.  She was standing in our bathroom, slowly running a brush through her long hair, starring off into space.  Any frustrations I might have been feeling were instantly washed away.  Step by step, I approached her; she didn't notice. 

Picking her up around the waist, I was delighted to hear her squeal in surprise.  "Landon!  Put me down!"  She finished with a whisper, "Oh, you're asking for it!"  Her legs were flailing around, as she held on to my shoulders tightly.

Laying her on our bed, I joined her.  She was positively glowing.  "So Jamie, how do you do it?"

"Do what?"  A slight smirk crept on her face, her fingers passing through my hair.

I smiled.  "How do you manage to drive me crazy with your secrets – I mean, first there was your number one and now, the mysterious doctor's visit today.  Seriously, how many secrets do you have – any hidden husbands in foreign countries I should know about?"

"Don't worry – all three of my other husbands know about us, and they promise me that they won't do you any bodily harm.  However, I believe husband #2 has a restraining order out against husband #1, for some strange reason…  It's nothing for you to concern yourself about, though."  She pulled me down into her waiting kiss, her hand running down my back.

"We're in this together, aren't we?"  We were just inches apart, my fingers drawing figure-eights on her stomach.

She glanced down at my hand and sighed.  "Yes, we definitely are."  Pecking me on the nose, she sat up and reached for the nightstand.  She silently handed me an envelope from the drawer.

I sat up, slowly removing the card from the envelope.  I smiled to see the starry sky on the front.  As my eyes focused on Jamie's writing inside, a lump formed in my throat.

"Landon,

Every day I am amazed to find

myself more in love with you

than the day before.

I now know that that is just

one of the blessings God has

bestowed upon us.

Tonight, may your heart be forever captured

by our new little miracle of love.

With all of my love and adoration,

Jamie"

It was like the wind had been knocked right out of me.  I read and re-read the card, convincing myself of its contents.

            Shifting my attentions, I glanced up to find Jamie watching my every move, a quiet countenance about her.  With a slight smile, she was the first to speak and it came out almost as a sigh, "I realize it's a few days early, but … Happy Father's Day, Landon."

            "Jamie…" 

Before I could continue, tears were welling up in her eyes.  It was enough to break my heart.  Any thoughts or concerns I had were pushed aside, as I focused on my wife.  "Jamie, come here."  I lay down, wrapping my arms around her.  "Please don't cry."  I wiped her face free of tears.

Her soft voice was fluctuating, coming out in small heaves as she forced herself to speak.  "Dr. Marshall … wanted to speak to me alone today … because he thought I should … have an abortion and not tell you. … He doesn't think … I'll be able to hold on long enough … to have the baby."

"Some doctor!  Oh, do I have a few words for him!"  I gently rocked her, trying to get her to calm down.  "What did you tell him?"

"I told him that … having an abortion would be … killing a piece of you … a piece of me … proof of just how much … we love each other. … He's sending me to … an obstetrician tomorrow."

I stroked her back, speaking in slow, hushed tones, "Jamie, 'Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience.'"  I could feel her breathing slow and become more regular, her muscles relaxing against mine.  "#2, Jamie, #2," I said with a smile.

A slight grin broke through her tears, "Yeah, #2."  Her head nuzzled in against my neck, and I tightened my grasp.  A tear dripped from her face, running warm on my skin.

I then did something I never thought I would be able to do – sing.  Jamie had such a beautiful voice; I had always been embarrassed to sing in front of her.  Placing a light kiss on her forehead, I forgot any lingering embarrassment.

"'I'll fly with you through the night

   so you know I'm not letting go.
                       I'm not letting go.'"

            I could feel Jamie's face lighten against me.  "You've never sang for me before. … Thank you, Landon."

            "For what?"

            "Thank you for the security you've shown me.  When I'm in your arms, I know that I'm safe, that nothing in this world can take me away from you."  Her fingers ran up and down my chest.

            I didn't know how to respond – she was my rock, my strength.    I allowed my fingers to browse her features, swiping down the bridge of her nose and brushing up against her lips before reaching her dainty chin.  "Well, I'm not letting go."

            Hours must have passed, with me laying there listening to her gentle breaths, absorbing the beauty in each one.  "Lord, thank you for the strength you gave me tonight.  Sometimes it seems so overwhelming – our path is changing around every turn.  Please stay with us; guide us."  With that, I slowly drifted off to sleep.