Chapter Eight:
Unburdening My Heart
I awoke at dawn, having far too much running through my mind to go back to sleep. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of my card. It lay open, a mere ten inches away from me. Carefully, I lifted my arm from Jamie's back, trying my best not to wake her, and picked it up. I reread its words intently, amazed at how drastically a single phrase could change everything I felt about the world around me: "… our new little miracle of love…" Now, I could finally allow myself to take an inventory about how I felt about the news, and it was clear that I was scared. "Lord, what have I done? I'm only eighteen years old, but… you already know that. Am I ready for this? I feel so confused – I realize that this is a true blessing but I can't imagine doing this without Jamie."
Jamie shifted slightly and made a short, soft humming sound, like she did every morning. I knew she would be waking shortly.
"Oh how I have come to look forward to that daybreak greeting… God, I need your peace now more than ever…"
"Hey," she sighed.
I lay the card back down beside me. "Hey."
"How many times have you read that?" There was a calmness about her this morning that surprised me, and she was smiling.
"So many that I've lost count…" I returned my arm to her back, embracing her.
"I owe you an apology about last night." Her eyes were glancing up to mine. "I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and I completely forgot to even ask how you were feeling about all of this…"
"No, no, no." I placed my fingers to her lips, bringing her words to a halt. "You had been through so much yesterday. You needed someone to confide in, and I felt honored that you chose me."
Jamie propped herself up on her elbow and glanced down upon me. "You went through a lot yesterday, too, you know, and you haven't had a chance to unburden your heart to anyone yet. What's going on in there?" She was tapping my chest directly above my heart.
I sighed. "Jamie, I have never felt so conflicted – it's like I'm being pulled in three entirely different directions. On one hand, I keep having these overwhelming feelings of guilt, asking myself how I could have allowed this to happen to you. I had promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get that close to you, that I would control myself. I feel like I failed you." It was hard to keep eye contact with her; I was ashamed.
"Look at me, Landon. You will never fail me. It's not possible." Her voice was composed and sincere, pulling my eyes back to hers. "Do you remember our drive from the church to the wedding reception – when you asked me what I was thinking?"
I nodded, intrigued.
"I was praying. I prayed that whatever did or didn't happen between us that night would be in accordance to God's plan for our lives." She leaned in, her voice lowering to a mere whisper, "I have no regrets about our wedding night. Do you?"
Putting my hands up in self-defense, I replied, "No, no complaints here – none at all."
We kissed, momentarily losing ourselves in the moment until Jamie pulled back. "Wait a second! When you were feeling so guilty just a few minutes ago, what were you thinking – that God was on vacation that night?"
"Apparently I wasn't thinking at all." I laughed, as she joined in.
"So that's one direction, what is the second?" I detected a bit of satisfaction in her voice, she knew she had blown my reasoning out of the water.
"Well, on the other hand, I'm scared. There are so many unknowns, so many risks, and so many challenges that now lay ahead of us…" Tears had escaped from my eyes against my will.
Sweeping them from my face, Jamie interrupted me. "'Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience' Romans …"
"8:24-25," I finished.
She nodded. "With hope, anything is possible."
"What will I ever do without you to remind me?" The thought was almost unbearable.
Jamie lay back down along side of me, resting her arm on my chest. Her eyes focused in on mine, and she sang.
"'I'll fly with you through the night
so you know I'm not letting go.
I'm not letting go.'"
The horrible thought left from my mind. I took a deep breath, "Thank you."
A few minutes passed, each of us just enjoying the comfort we felt in being close to each other. The silence held a serenity that both of us needed.
"Landon, you said you were being pulled in three directions. What's the third?"
"The other, other hand, you mean?" I chuckled. "That's the part of me that is in absolute awe of you." Jamie's eyes grew large in surprise while I continued. "There's a part of the two of us living and growing inside of you, and I can't wait to meet it." My hand caressed her stomach. "I know of nothing more miraculous. I feel so fortunate to be able to share this moment with you."
She sighed in contentment, placing her hand atop of mine, telling me all I needed to know.