Chapter Nine:
One Single Fear
"Jamie, I'm just warning you, if the obstetrician asks me to leave, it's not going to be pretty," I informed her rather matter-of-factly.
We were sitting in the waiting room, awaiting her appointment. It was late in the afternoon and the receptionists and nurses were already leaving. Dr. Nelson had been kind enough to schedule a last-minute appointment for the end of his day.
"Are you sure you want to even come back? I see they have a subscription to Sesame Street Magazine. I'd hate to keep you from checking up on Cookie Monster," she carelessly giggled.
"You think that's funny, do you?" I laughed. I put my arm around her and drew her to me, kissing the top of her head as she nodded.
"I know I sure do." We looked up to see a tall, mustached man standing in the hallway, watching us with a smile. "Jamie, Landon, I'm Dr. Nelson. It's nice to meet you." We joined him in his office before he continued. "Dr. Marshall contacted me yesterday and let me know a little bit about your situation, but he has a way of dehumanizing things."
"Dehumanizing – you're not kidding! What an understatement!" I mentally mumbled.
"Test results do give us a lot of information about disease progression and how the body is reacting to it, but they fail to reveal anything about the strength of the human spirit and the love that two people can share. Those two variables, in my opinion, are more important than any number of tests we can run. In that regard, you two are very well-off," Dr. Nelson said with quiet laughter.
I took Jamie's hand in mine and smiled at her, realizing we were doing something right after all.
"However, you need to be aware that only 0.1 – 0.07% of new pregnancies occur in cancer patients; the number with an advanced stage of leukemia such as yourself is almost non-existent." He shifted in his seat as he reached for a stack of paper.
"What are the risks involved?" I had to know exactly what we were facing.
Quickly bringing me back to reality, Dr. Nelson continued. "Jamie, I've done some research and your pregnancy does pose some risks to both you and the baby. During this first trimester, there is a greater chance of miscarriage. The body has great intuition; it will know if you are going to be able to handle the demands that are going to be placed on you. But if you can make it to term, I must be honest … it's hard to say if you will be able to make it through childbirth."
"Miscarriage … Lord, I am just fully realizing how excited I am. Now I have to learn that it might be taken away from us? I don't know how I would be able to handle that – let alone how Jamie would. Moreover, what would I do with a new baby if I didn't have Jamie to share it with? ... Where's the silver lining?"
Everything around me became a blur, until Jamie brought me back in focus. "Dr. Marshall made it very clear to me that I might only have two or three months left. Do you think making it to term is a possibility?" She said it without any signs of alarm, fully shocking me.
"Answer this one question: do you want this baby?" He leaned back in his chair, awaiting her answer.
Jamie smiled. Squeezing my hand, she didn't take her eyes from mine as she answered, "I want nothing more than to have this baby with the man I love. It's more than I ever dreamed of."
I was left speechless as I stared back into her dark brown eyes with all the love I had.
"It looks like you have something to fight for then, doesn't it?" the doctor replied. A grin had returned to his face. "I'm going to want to run blood work every couple of weeks to monitor your leukemia on top of your normal visits, if that's alright with you. I want to make sure to keep a pulse on all aspects of your health during the pregnancy."
"Yeah, that's fine. … I don't want to know any of the blood test results though." Jamie's gaze was still upon me.
"Why's that?" I had finally found my voice.
She winked at me, "I'm doing this with my faith and a lot of hope."
"Hope, hugh?" I directed my attention to Dr. Nelson, "Same here."
He nodded, "Very well, then. I can't say that I can understand your decision, but I definitely respect it."
When we reached the car, I asked Jamie the question that had long-filled my mind. "Jamie, did any of that scare you?"
She sighed in thought, turning towards me. "No, I'm not afraid. There are uncertainties, obviously, but if we truly believe that God has His hands in our lives, then what good would fear do? I know that I must trust that He knows how to take care of this better than I do." Her hand traveled to my face as she ran her fingers along my cheeks. "It wasn't long ago that my fear almost got in the way of the best thing that ever happened to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I was so afraid of letting anyone get close to me for fear that I would only cause them pain when I got sicker. If it wasn't for your persistence, my trepidations would have kept you out of my life. Now, when I think about all the happiness that I would have missed out on, it's obvious to me that fear doesn't facilitate God's plan, but rather impedes it." Her hands now rested on my shoulders.
"Jamie, I never would have given up on you." I leaned in, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close. Leaning in towards her ear, I whispered, "You were so worth the fight."
We met midway, our lips joining and welcoming each other. We let all remaining reservations flow between us as we countered them with love, comforted in knowing that that was one thing we would always have enough of.
"There is one thing I am scared of, though, Landon." Her wide eyes were glancing at me with doubt.
"And what's that?" I ran my fingers through her hair in reassurance.
"I am scared of telling our parents."
"I hadn't even thought of that yet," I groaned, resting my forehead on hers. "You don't think we can just play it cool and wait to tell them until after the baby's born? They can't hit us when there's a newborn baby between them and us."
She laughed, "It's going to be kind of hard to hide it in a few months once I start to show."
"A few months, hugh? So what's the rush in telling?" I could just picture Jamie's father lunging at me, knowing all too well what Jamie and I had done. The image sent shivers down my back. "He sent me home when he caught me kissing her, for heaven's sake – what's he going to do when he finds out that I … He's going to kill me!"