Chapter Fourteen

Lights On, Lights Off

            "Jamie, what's bothering you?" I begged, hopping up on the kitchen counter.

            Jamie was standing at the sink, looking out the window, her back turned towards me.  The only replies were the quiet sniffles coming from her direction. 

              "I can't stand to see you upset.  Please talk to me," I pleaded.  I would have gotten down on my knees and groveled if I had thought that would help.

"It's funny, it doesn't seem like you've been talking to me about certain things," she muttered.

            "What haven't I told her about? … Oh no…"  It finally registered.

            "The phone was for you.  It was some lady from UNC.  She wanted me to let you know that since she never received your letter of intent, she's assuming you have chosen to attend elsewhere." I could hear the pain grow in her voice as she continued.  "She asked me what your plans were, and I … I didn't know what to tell her."

            My head sunk into my hands, ashamed.  I could vividly remember how hurt I felt when I learned that Jamie had been keeping her leukemia a secret from me – but at least she was the one to tell me about it in the end.  I hadn't even given her that courtesy, the realization of which only made me feel worse.  "I'm sorry.  It's not that I wanted to keep anything from you.  There was just so much going on that … well, figuring out my exact plans for the fall just didn't seem as crucial.  It definitely didn't seem like something I should worry you about."

            "Landon, that's what I'm here for.  We're supposed to support each other, but there's no way I can support you if I don't know what you're dealing with," she said, turning around to face me.  You could still see the paths her tears had taken down her cheeks.  "This might surprise you, but I haven't perfected mind reading quite yet."  The corners of her lips rose into a faint smile as she crossed the kitchen and joined me up on the counter, taking my hand in hers.

            I sighed, taking in the softness of her hand and the firmness of her grip.  It totally encompassed everything about her.  Here I had hurt her – hid things from her – yet her strength still allowed her to find a way to be gentle with me.  "The acceptance letter talked about 'new and exciting roads'," I explained, mocking the phrase.  "I don't want 'new and exciting,' I want 'right here, right now.'"

            "Landon … it's an expression."

"Ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to explain it…"  I tried again.  "Do you realize that if I went ahead with medical school our child would be seven years old before I finished?  Late classes, labs, practicum – that's no way to raise a child.  Even after I graduate, my schedule would be less than accommodating. …  I remember on my fourth birthday, right before my parents were divorced, my dad was going to teach me how to fish.  We were half way to the lake when he was paged.  We had to turn around so he could head to the hospital.  I was crushed."  I glanced over at her.  "I don't want that to happen – I refuse to let that happen."

            "So you're just going to give up on your dream?"  Her question wasn't probing or forceful.  Rather, it had a soothing affect on me.

            "No, I'm not giving up on my dream.  When we got married, my dreams were sacrificed for our dreams, remember?"  I smiled at the familiar words, as did she.

            "What are your plans, then?"

            "Actually, I was thinking about going to Bible school."

            Jamie's eyes widened and her mouth opened.  "Where did this idea come from?"

            "Well, recently I've been having dreams that have been leading me in this direction.  It's like … my dreams have been showing me what I could have if I would just wake up. … Crazy?"  I knew the whole concept still sounded crazy to me.

            She shook her head.

            "Besides, your father has been really helpful with the whole matter."

            I knew that was bound to get a reaction out of her, and I wasn't let down – it was the perfect mixture of shock and delight.  "You've talked to my dad about this?  What did he say?"

            "At first, I think I about gave him a heart attack.  His face got so pale," I chuckled.  "But we had a nice talk.  I explained where I was coming from – my worries about going to UNC and the dreams I've had.  I was surprised that he actually understood.  He helped me find a good school that's only a half hour away from here.  He even wrote me a letter of recommendation for my application, which I sent off last week."

             "Sounds like you have everything pretty much figured out."  She stuck her lower lip out, pouting, "Didn't you leave anything for me to help you with?"

            I thought a moment before replying.  "Well, there was one thing I hadn't figured out yet.  I could really use some advice on how I should break the news to my wife," I replied, winking at her.

            That night, lying in bed, a million thoughts were running through my head.  Hours had passed and sleep had completely eluded me.  There was a comfort in my life that hadn't been there in weeks.  I was amazed at how much pressure had been placed upon me this whole time.  However, a part of me was still a little apprehensive, wondering how Jamie really felt about everything.  "She took the news so well… almost too well, actually.  Would she have told me if she thought I was making a mistake?" 

            I leaned over and flipped on the lamp on the nightstand.  "Jamie," I whispered, brushing a few strands of hair away from her face.  "Jamie, are you awake?"

            She slowly drew her hand to her eyes, rubbing them.  "Well, I am now."  Sleep was still present in her speech.  "What's wrong?"

            "How are you able to sleep after everything that's happened today?" I asked, partly out of curiosity and partly out of frustration for my own lack of sleep.

            "Landon, I meant it when I told you that you could do anything.  Nothing's changed."  She curled up beside me and her eyes soon closed.

            I turned off the lamp.  Laying there in the dark, the minutes passed.  For some reason, it just wasn't enough.  I flipped on the light.  "But what if I've made some huge mistake.  I mean, I have a couple of dreams and then change all of my plans."

            She yawned as she propped herself up to look at me. "Abimelech, Jacob, Laban, Midianite, the Pharaoh of Egypt, Solomon, King Nebuchadnezzar, Eliphaz, Daniel, Joseph, Pilate's wife, Peter, and Paul – do you know what all these people have in common?"  She was deep in though as she listed them, pausing between each one.

            I looked at her with as much confusion as I was feeling.  "Not a clue."

            "God revealed things to all of them through their dreams."  A smile crossed her face.  "It's no different with you."  She ran her fingers down my cheeks before lying back down.

            I turned off the lamp, finally beginning to relax until a little doubt crept back it.  The light went back on.  "Jamie, how do you know that's what my dreams were?"

            "Faith.  God takes care of our prayers," she managed to mutter, struggling to open her eyes.  "Just like I know that He will take care of my prayer for a good night's sleep." 

            I chuckled as I turned off the light for the final time that night.  "I love you," I whispered against her forehead, as I wrapped my arms around her.  No reservations remained – Jamie was behind me, and of that I was certain.  A vote of confidence and a reminder of Who was really behind the change, was all I needed to hear to put my mind at ease.

            Just as I started to drift off to sleep, a light whisper pulled me back.  "I love you, too."